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# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing
# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king
# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo
# You'd better turn off
# This show ain't for you
# Still watching?
# Then let's test your brains
# With Horrible Histories Gory Games
# Horrible Histories Gory...
# Games #
Hello and welcome to Gory Games, with me, Dave Lamb.
You may have heard me on Come Dine With Me.
And me, Rattus Rattus. You may have heard me rooting through your bins.
Can I thank the couple at number 17, Riverside Road,
for throwing out that chicken carcase? Cheers, guys!
This is the show where you get to test your knowledge
of Horrible Histories with quirky questions and gory games,
so before Rattus thanks anyone else for their leftovers,
let's meet our Horrible Historians. Introduce yourselves, please!
-Hi, I'm Joanne.
-Hi, I'm James.
-Hi! I'm Ty!
-To start the show off, a little warm-up game
of my very own - a sort of cookery challenge,
to see if our contestants can whip up a batch
of that much-loved Roman delicacy, garum sauce.
This bucket contains the three main ingredients,
-mackerel, tuna and eels.
-OK. Well, that all sounds all right.
HE CHOKES AND GAGS Yes, I should've said, shouldn't I?
The fish has to be completely rotten. HE CACKLES
Our contestants have to pull out the rotting fish guts
-and leave them to dry in the sun.
-That is disgusting!
-What is wrong with you?
-No, honestly! Once it's dried out,
garum sauce actually has quite a subtle, delicate aroma.
-Look! Here's some I prepared earlier.
-It's subtle and delicate?
HE SNIFFS DEEPLY Argh!
Well, it's subtle and delicate if you live down a sewer.
Joanne, James and Ty, you're playing to win Year Spheres.
Each sphere contains a historical date,
and at the end of the show your dates will be added up,
with AD dates being added to your total
and BC dates being subtracted from it.
So, if these were your spheres, your total would be... Rattus?
-Has it got six in it?
Ah, so close!
The person with the highest year score
will win a fantastic prize.
-Chosen by yours truly!
-All right. Maybe not a fantastic prize, then,
but a prize nonetheless.
Right! Off we go. And to find out what round one's all about,
it's over to the Gory Grid.
It's the Measly Middle Ages.
So, four questions on the Measly Middle Ages coming up.
The person who gets the most right wins the first Year Sphere,
and your four topics are...
Joanne, you get to pick first this round.
-What's it going to be?
-True or false -
monks used to make ink from squished woodlice.
Hmm! So, true or false.
Let's see your answers now, please.
-And you've all gone for false!
Interesting! Let's hear what the correct answer is.
False. But they did use wasps' eggs,
mixed with vinegar, gum to thicken it,
-and copper water for colour.
-You've all made a fantastic start.
It's a point each. James, it's your turn to choose a topic.
-I choose washing.
True or false - in the Middle Ages,
peasants used to wash their clothes in buckets of poo.
What a question that was!
Well, Ty and Joanne going for false. James thinks that's true.
Interesting! Let's hear the correct answer.
It's false, although they did wash their clothes in buckets of wee.
So, there you go, you see. Washing your clothes in poo
is probably not a very good idea.
Mind you, neither's washing them in wee, and they did that!
-Ty, your turn to choose a topic.
Bet you don't know this one.
Well, a clean sweep of trues! What's the answer?
It's true! It was massive, as tall as a man.
Look at the scores. Three points each for Joanne and Ty,
two for James, with one question left.
James, you can still bring this into a tiebreak.
The final question is on kings. Let's hear it now, please.
True or false - in 1216, King John lost his crown jewels.
They were being transported along the coast
when the tide came in and swept them out to sea.
Everybody has gone for false.
-What's the actual answer?
King John also died in 1216.
I think it's safe to say 1216 wasn't his best year.
Awful! Losing your jewels and dying. Terrible business.
I'm afraid no-one got that right, but what it does mean
is that Joanne and Ty have drawn that round.
So we're in a tiebreaker situation. Ty and Joanne,
fingers on your buzzers.
The first person to buzz in with the correct answer
wins the Year Sphere. Beginning with the letter H,
what is the name of the battle in which William the Conqueror -
Hastings is absolutely right, Joanne!
You have won the quiz. Time to choose your Year Sphere.
-I hope you don't pick one
with a Stone Age date, with a few million minus points,
but I can think of two people who hope you do.
That's them there. OK, Joanne.
You've won the quiz, so you're automatically through
to play the Measly Middle Ages game, but will you be playing alone
or will everyone get a go? Let's find out.
It's an all-play gory game! You can hear them celebrating.
They want to get down there. Let's put them out of their misery.
Off down the Time Sewer with all of you!
-There goes Ty.
At William the Conqueror's funeral, his servants stole his jewels
and the church burnt down. Apart from that it went smoothly.
It's time to play Yuckaroo!
You are William's servants, and your challenge
is to take his treasure and put it in your chest.
All the treasure is colour coded. You must only take your own colour.
Whoever collects the most pieces wins the Year Sphere.
And you'd better be quick, because the church is going to burn down.
-Your time starts...
Here we go, then, with Yuckaroo.
Treasure needs to be colour coded. They need to steal their own bit
and pop it in their chest.
You must have done a bit of theft in your time, Rattus.
I don't know what you're saying, Dave. I've never stolen anything.
A likely story. Look, he's unscrewing that candlestick
as much as he can. He's doing quite well, though, Ty.
He's off to a pretty decent start.
That's two pieces he's got. Joanna also off the mark.
James is having problems with that crown, but he's got it off now,
and it's in the chest. Can I just make it clear
that we're not in any way encouraging stealing?
Even if it's from a murderous tyrant from the Middle Ages?
-Yes, even then.
They're all trying these things...
-They're finding them difficult to remove.
-They're bolted down, Dave.
The area I live in, if it's not bolted down, it goes.
Oh, and his stomach has exploded!
I think I may have failed to tell you
that his stomach exploded during the funeral,
but you saw it with your own eyes there. Guts absolutely everywhere.
Let's hope that hasn't put them off too much.
This game is more my cup of tea - or, as we rats say,
my dustbin of entrails. HE LAUGHS
I can't imagine what the smell is like
with all that entrails, guts and gore spread everywhere.
That doesn't come across from the pictures.
It must be absolutely humming in there.
Guts everywhere - the guts of a dead person, as well,
-not a live one.
-Not a live one.
-Not nice fragrant guts.
There's another piece going in for James.
He may be mounting something of a comeback.
Look out! The church is on fire!
There's smoke rising up everywhere!
They're going to have to finish this fast!
-Time's up. That's how it's finished,
and that is what actually happened at William the Conqueror's funeral.
The church did catch fire. What a result!
Welcome back! Take your places. With a total of six pieces,
the winner was Ty! Collect your Year Sphere now.
So, tell me, everybody, did you enjoy Yuckaroo?
-Who actually saw the stomach explode?
-I went, like, "Ooh!"
-You weren't expecting it?
-I thought it was going to pop up.
So the explosion was probably a good thing!
Over to the Gory Grid to find out what's up next.
It's the Vile Victorians. Good day!
Four questions again. Here are your four Victorian topics.
James, it's your turn to pick first this time.
The question is as follows.
Look at that! Everyone seems very confident that it's B.
-Let's find out.
-The answer is...
You're absolutely right. Well played indeed.
She had a fear of bishops as a small child,
and she kept it into adulthood.
Hey! I too have an irrational fear -
of soap and clean water.
It is irrational, and it's very unfortunate for me.
Ty, your turn to pick a topic.
I'm going to go for Eccentrics.
Which of these would you not have found
inside the second Baron Rothschild's house -
A, snakes twined around the banisters,
B, a lion wearing a bow tie,
or C, 12 dressed monkeys having a dinner party?
Wow! Everybody thinks it's B. Let's find out.
It's B, a lion wearing a bow tie.
Imagine trying to put a bow tie on a lion!
The second Baron Rothschild was eccentric, not crazy.
You fancy putting a bow tie on a lion, Rat?
-Not really, no.
-But you've all scored two points.
This is a tremendous round for all of you. Joanne, pick a topic.
I'll pick cars.
How fast was the speed limit for early Victorian cars?
This is extraordinary! They're all in total agreement again.
-But are they right?
-The answer is A, four miles per hour.
Who could want to travel faster than that? It would be madness!
Victorian Top Gear can't have been very exciting.
The track record would have been two hours!
-Yeah. Victorians didn't have TV.
-I know! I was just joking.
-It was just a silly joke. Huh!
-You're all doing amazingly well.
You've got three points each. This is the last question in this round.
-It's about gadgets, and it's a prop question.
-A prop question!
I love prop questions! Oh, look!
That is a prop. This is a genuine Victorian contraption.
But what was it used for? Was it A, blowing up whoopi cushions...
Let's see those answers now, please!
It's all in total agreement again!
You've all gone for B, oiling bicycles.
On this occasion, you're all absolutely...
I know. Look at Ty's face. He can't believe it!
The answer was C.
-This was for filling doughnuts.
What that means, of course, is that we have a three-way tie,
and that means fingers on your buzzers.
Here we go. Beginning with the letter V,
which queen, famous for wearing black clothes...
Is the right answer. Well done, Ty.
You have just won yourself a second Year Sphere.
-He's quick off the mark!
-OK. Ty, as the quiz winner,
you're also through to play the Victorian Game.
But will it be just you, or will the others all play too?
It's a single-player brainy game!
Ty, get yourself down that Time Sewer. Go on, fella!
Not everyone in Victorian times had a sensible name
like Queen Victoria. Oh, no. In fact, some had very silly names -
-for instance, Princess Cheese.
That was a real Victorian name. She wasn't a real princess.
I think I'd remember if we'd had a Queen Cheese.
-It's time to play the...
-'Name Shame Game!'
Seven Victorian names, but two are totally made up.
Your challenge, to work out which five are real.
Choose five names and move them to the "real" board,
then touch the Princess Cheese to find out how many you've got right.
Keep trying new combinations until you've got all five,
-and your time starts now!
Ty is off. So, we're looking for real Victorian names.
He's gone for Scary Looker.
Oh, Minty Badger. Minty Badger getting a run-out.
-That's good news.
-You're not wrong, Dave!
And there it is. That's Farting Clack. Farting Clack.
I don't know about Farting Clack or Minty Badger, Dave,
but I did once live on a riverbank near a farting badger.
Too much information there, Rattus.
Artemis Bumwhistle there.
And the final one, Susan Semolina-Thrower.
Well, he's got one wrong.
John Idiot going in there, off the subs bench.
-'You have all five right!'
-He has done it!
He has won that game in extraordinary time.
Princess Cheese only got two hammerings.
He was right - Artemis Bumwhistle and Stupid Cupid were made up,
but the others, remarkably, were all genuine Victorian names.
-John Idiot was a real Victorian?
-Yes, he was, Rattus.
Do you think he had a descendant - Dave Idiot?
HE CACKLES THEY LAUGH
Just asking. Just asking.
Ty, tell us exactly how you managed to do that game.
I just knew all of them apart from that one.
Well, you were incredibly quick. Right! Over to the Gory Grid
to find out who's up next.
It's the Awful Egyptians.
And here are your four Egyptian topics.
And Ty, it's your turn to lead us off.
Here's what I want to know.
A, crushed bat,
B, liquefied snail,
or C, chopped mouse.
Let's see your answers now, please.
So, you've all gone for C.
Well, I can tell you, the answer is...
C! We used chopped-up mouse.
You should not use mice to clean your teeth.
They're disgusting little things, with their little tails
-and their strange little whiskers.
-Have you looked in a mirror lately?
So, that's a point each there. Well done.
-Joanne, it's your turn to pick a topic.
-That is a prop question.
-I like the prop questions.
Hello! A mummy's hand. Hello, everyone.
Lovely. Mummification was very popular in ancient Egypt,
and so many mummies were dug up in the Victorian era
they became used for all sorts of things.
But which of these was not one of them?
Was it A, making newspaper,
B, scaring birds away from fields,
or C, repairing cracked walls?
Ah! So Ty and Joanne with A,
James a B. The answer is...
B, James! The mummy's going to give you a point.
Mummies were not used for scaring birds away from fields,
but they were mulched and used as newspaper,
as well as filler for walls. Excellent. James,
-your turn to pick.
-I'm going to pick Festivals.
What did we pharaohs have to wear during the Heb Sed festival -
A, a pineapple on our head,
B, a wolf's tail on our backside,
or C, a monkey on our shoulder?
Three Cs. All in complete agreement. Let's see if they're all right.
The answer is B, a wolf's tail on our backside.
Let me tell you, I wasn't very happy about it.
-Nor was the wolf, for that matter.
-I'm not surprised.
So you all got that one wrong,
which means, as we come to the last question in the round,
James is in the lead. So James, if you get this right,
-you've won your first Year Sphere.
The remaining category is Ramesses IV.
When archaeologists found the mummy of Ramesses IV,
what was unusual about it?
Was it A, he was actually a woman,
B, he had seven fingers on one hand,
or C, his eyes had been replaced with onions?
You've all gone for C.
Let's hear if you're right.
The answer is C. His eyes had been replaced with onions.
Onions! Brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.
Onions were, of course, valuable, and sometimes the eyes were replaced
with valuable things. So, James, you have won yourself
-your first Year Sphere!
-They're shiny, they're round,
they come from under the ground. Year Spheres!
-No reason. Just felt like it.
So, James, you're through to play the Egyptian Game.
Will it be just you, or will everybody else be coming along?
It's time to find out.
It's an All Play brainy game!
It's off down the Time Sewer with all of you!
-There goes Ty.
-There goes James.
And there goes Joanne.
Now, Egyptian pharaohs liked to be buried in style,
and what could be more stylish than a pyramid?
It's time to play...
It took about two million heavy blocks to build a pyramid,
and you've just got nine light ones.
Your challenge, to work out which block goes where.
To help you, we've put one block in place. First of you to finish
wins the Year Sphere. So, ready, steady...
Get building! And they're off.
They've got to build a pyramid. Sounds easy, doesn't it, Rattus?
-Well, yes. The puzzle did come with instructions.
Unfortunately they were all in hieroglyphics.
That's not going to be an awful lot of use here.
So, the first pieces now beginning to go into place.
And it's a big piece.
Oh, Joanne also going in for a big piece.
James has started with a slightly smaller piece.
Isn't it interesting to see the different tactics?
I'm not so sure it's tactics. It's blind, wild guessing.
Well, yes, that's the unkind way of looking at it.
I like to think they're using their tactical nous here.
Joanne really weighing this up.
Look at James. He's doing extremely well here.
What an excellent start from James! Ty is all over the place.
Let's be fair. With the best will in the world,
you're not going to make a pyramid like that.
James has got that upside down at the moment.
Let's hope he turns it round. Yes, of course he has.
Ty looks as if he's doing well. I don't think he is.
Whereas Joanne is doing very, very nicely.
She has the whole ground floor in place, as it were,
and she's beginning to start on the first floor.
There's the first piece. James is not too far behind,
assuming the pieces he's already got down are right. I'm not sure,
to be honest. And they need to realise that each piece
will only fit on one specific place. That's the whole point.
Yes, one of those pieces is quite clearly wrong.
That's not sitting squarely on the plinth at all,
and I don't know what Ty's building, but it's definitely not a pyramid.
Joanne is getting very close to completing this pyramid, I think.
It's taking shape very, very nicely indeed.
That's another level completed. Three more pieces to go for Joanne.
That's another piece in place. There's a huge crack in her pyramid,
but we won't hold that against her. Here comes the top piece!
-She's about to take a sphere!
-Come on! One more!
-That's the one!
-Joanne wins hands-down!
-And her hands go up in triumph.
What a superb pyramid that is,
even though it has got a massive crack in it.
Well done, Joanne. Collect your Year Sphere.
So, a quick look at the scores at this stage
means that Ty has three Year Spheres, Joanne has two,
and James has one, so everybody's in the game. That's fantastic.
Time now for the final round,
and it's over to the Gory Grid one last time
-to find out who we've got.
-It's the Terrible Tudors.
No Quirky Quiz in our final round.
It's straight to a big all-play Tudor endgame,
and it is a silly one.
Everybody, get back down that Time Sewer.
-Oh, not again!
-I know. I'm sorry, Joanne.
This'll be the last time, I promise.
-Now, it's no secret that Henry VIII liked his food.
It's true. I can't deny it.
-Ho-ho-ho! Look at that!
-HIS TUMMY GURGLES
You see? And now he wants feeding.
It's time to play...
You have to collect pies and fling them into Henry's mouth.
Sounds easy! It would be, if you weren't attached to a bungee cord.
The person who gets the most pies in their Henry's mouth
in the time limit wins the Year Sphere.
Three, two, one...
It's pie time! So here we go, then,
with Who Ate All The Pies, and the answer will be Henry VIII,
because there are three of him, with their mouths wide open
while our plucky gamers try to run up the lane
on their bungee cords and hurl pies into his open mouth.
There's our pie man. This is his fourth appearance this season.
He's terrific. We're very lucky to get him.
So, no pies have found their mark yet. There's Ty.
He's already beginning to tire. That one just misses to the right.
Catches on the chin. One on the nose.
This is very exciting, but not many pies finding their mark.
That's right, Dave. Not many at all. We've got three Henrys there,
all with their mouths wide open, but not one single pie has gone through
-as far as I can see.
-Some varying techniques being employed,
Ty going with the underarm hoick,
and some of the others going with the classical Frisbee delivery.
-There's a perfect example.
-Henry's diet is more unhealthy than mine,
and that's saying something, I can tell you.
There's one gone in! Yes, Joanne has fed Henry his first pie.
They're not really getting many in.
They're not, and they're beginning to tire.
It's a very difficult game. I tried playing it earlier on,
-and failed miserably.
-As, I'm afraid, are our contestants,
at the moment. James scores! Joanne's got another!
THEY BOTH SHOUT EXCITEDLY
After a long period of nothing happening,
James and Joanne scored... Oh, and Joanne's scored again!
This is tremendous of Joanne.
But, oh, dear, me, Ty's fallen over there,
that bungee cord recoiling and whipping him back.
James, though... Look at that concentration.
Lovely shot. Caught him right in the eye.
And I think Joanne landed another one there!
She's way out in front now. She's surely not going to be caught.
-The game is over.
The pie man stands with two pies that'll never be flung in anger,
and Joanne is our winner!
Back you come, gory gamers.
Joanne, please pick yourself another Year Sphere.
So, now it's time to count up those Year Spheres.
Remember, AD years are added to your total,
and BC years subtracted from it,
so the fact that you've only got one, James,
does not mean that you're out of the running.
Joanne, if you could open your Year Spheres first.
The death of Oliver Cromwell.
1918 AD! The end of the First World War.
And the last one - 1875 AD,
law bans child chimney sweeps.
But you have got an impressive 5,451 points.
this is going to be difficult with one sphere,
but let's see what you've got in there.
Oh, it's 2560 BC!
The Great Pyramid at Giza was finished that year,
and unfortunately so are your chances of winning today.
But history is horrible! Ty, you've got 5,451 to beat.
Let's see what you've got in your spheres.
867 AD. The Viking army was captured in York.
1603 AD. The death of Queen Elizabeth I.
This is the all-important one. Let's have a look at it.
Ireland joins Great Britain and the Union Jack is created.
That gives you a total of 4,271,
which means that today's winner, with 5,451 points,
She goes home with our star prize -
bits of old historical tat picked out of the Time Sewer
by my flea-ridden friend here. So, what's the big prize, then?
Well, you've probably heard of the expression "winning by a nose".
Well, Joanne, you've just won...a nose!
-Yes, a Saxon nose.
Saxons had a system called weregild, which meant, if you injured someone,
chopped off their nose, for instance, you had to pay for the damage!
-Not me - I just found it.
..you've done so well, and you've ended up with a human nose.
-I do apologise. But at least you get to tickle his nasal hair,
if you so desire.
It just remains for me to say thanks to our champion Joanne,
and also to our gallant runners-up, James and Ty.
And to say no thanks whatsoever to Rattus.
Ah, come on. You're missing me already.
-You've been watching Gory Games. Goodbye.
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# Horrible Histories Gory...
# Games #
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