Episode 9 HH: Gory Games

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# You'd better turn off - this show ain't for you

# Still watching?

# Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

# Horrible Histories Gory Games. #

Hello and welcome to Gory Games with me, Dave Lamb and my assistant,

Rattus Rattus.

Rattus, have you been eating my jelly beans?

What gives you that idea?

I don't know. Maybe that you've got your head stuck in the jar.

Oh, this? Oh, no, no, no. I'm just training to be an astronaut.

Oh, that's good. Because I will happily boot you into space

if you eat any more of my sweeties.

Oh! Ah! I'll breathe in, I'll breathe in. Ah!

Hah! Hah!

On this show, you get to test your knowledge

of horrible histories with quirky questions

and gloriously gory games,

so let's crack on and meet our horrible historians.

-Hi, I'm Jasmine.

-Hello, Jasmine.

-Hi, I'm Greg.

-Hello there, Greg.

-Hi, I'm Monica.

-And hello there, Monica.

Today, I thought we could start the show off

-with a nice, healthy Georgian sporting event.

-Really?

-I've worked out a whole tournament. Look.

-Oh!

OK, well that sounds great.

Right, let's get this Georgian pinching match under way.

Pinch each other as hard as you can. Greg, you're up against Dave.

-First one to scream loses.

-No! No way.

This isn't going to happen. Sorry, Greg. Stay where you are.

I was going to organise another Georgian entertainment,

but I had a problem with security.

-They wouldn't let me in with a bull covered in fireworks.

-Argh!

Ah! You screamed! You lost! Ha! Greg, you're through to the final.

-You're not, Greg. I'm ignoring you now.

-But...

-No.

-But...

-No.

-But...

-Er.

-Ah, but... Ah, but...

-I've stopped doing it.

-You have, sorry.

Jasmine, Greg, Monica, you're here to win Year Spheres.

Each Year Sphere contains an historical date.

At the end of the show, your Year Spheres will be added up

with AD dates being added to your total

and BC dates being subtracted from it.

So if these were your Year Spheres, your total would be, Rattus...?

Er... Ah... 312?

Nope. Wrong answer.

Or to look at it another way, the right answer to a different question.

Your total would be 735.

At the end of the show, the person with the highest year score

wins a historical prize picked out by my own fair paws.

One that money can't buy.

And more often than not, one that money wouldn't want to buy.

Oi!

Right, time to get stuck in.

And to find out what this round's about, it's over to the Gory Grid.

Arr! The Putrid Pirates it be.

And your four pirate topics are...

Jasmine, you get to pick first this round.

Punishments, please.

In 1695, Dutch pirate Dirk Chivers

captured Captain Sawbridge and held him for ransom.

Sawbridge moaned so much that Pirate Dirk did what to him?

a) Threw him overboard,

b) sewed up his mouth, or c) cut off his tongue?

Let's see your answers now.

Everyone has gone for c).

Well, let's find out.

b) He sewed up his mouth.

Yeah, that ought to shut him up.

It would shut him up, but sadly you were all wrong.

You were all being too gruesome, to be honest.

It's an awful thing to happen, isn't it?

I know someone here who could have their mouth sewn up.

Who's that, Dave?

Who? Who? Who can it be?

Please, tell me Dave? Tell me now if you could, please?

Take a wild guess, Rattus.

So, Greg, your turn to pick a topic. No points scored yet.

I'll take Pirate Talk, please.

Pirate Talk.

That is a question from Rattus Rattus.

A-hem! What were pirates' slops?

Were they a) horrible leftover food,

b) their trousers,

or c) the contents of the ships toilet?

Jasmine and Greg in agreement,

Monica going out on her own.

Rattus, what is the answer?

The answer is...b).

Slops were pirate trousers.

Sailors were the first people to wear trousers.

Just because I'm asking the question doesn't mean it's always about poo.

No, not always.

Well done. You've scored the first point of the game.

We're on our way. It's your turn to pick a topic.

Messages, please.

If an angry pirate was coming to get you, what might he send you?

Was it a piece of paper with a) a red diamond,

b) a black square,

or c) a black spot?

So Jasmine and Greg agreeing again with c),

and Monica going for a).

Let's hear the answer.

c) He'd send you the black spot.

-Obviously, that was before email.

-Long before email.

So that means that everyone is level pegging

with just one topic left in this round.

That topic is Blackbeard.

'Tis I, Blackbeard the Pirate. Here be my question.

Why did I shoot me mate, Israel Hands?

a) For burning me supper,

b) for stealing a gold coin,

or c) for fun?

OK, so Greg and Jasmine agree again with c),

and Monica has gone with b).

The answer is...c).

I shot him and maimed him for life just for fun.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-har!

Excellent. That means at the end of the round,

we have a tie-breaker situation.

Jasmine and Greg, you're still in. Monica, you're history for now.

First one to buzz in and give me the correct answer will win

a Year Sphere, so fingers on buzzers, please.

Beginning with the letter C, what is the name of a pirate's curved sword?

-BUZZER: At-choo!

-Jasmine?

-I forgot.

-Oh, no!

It's not the answer I've got down here.

Bad luck, Jasmine. That means it automatically

-passes over to you, Greg.

-Cutlass.

Cutlass is right. Congratulations, you've won the first quiz.

Time to choose your Year Sphere from our trolly wally.

Push, push, push, push. Oh!

This is heavier than it looks, Greg.

There we go. Come on, choose your Year Sphere. Any one you like.

I'd beware. One of those could contain

a Stone Age date, and that could be worth

a few million minus points.

Push, push, push, push...

So, winning the quiz means that Greg is automatically through to

play the Pirate Game. Will he be alone,

or will everyone get to play?

It's an all-play messy game,

so that means it's off down the sewer with the lot of you.

Go on, Monica. Get in there. It's not as smelly as it seems.

In you go. Follow her down. Lovely stuff.

Just try and hold your nose there, Jasmine.

COUGHING

This game is all about chests and keys.

Where are the keys? Well, that would be telling,

but there are some clues to help you find them.

It's time for Pirate Treasure.

The first person to retrieve the treasure map

from inside their chest

will win the Year Sphere, but be warned,

it may not be as easy as it seems.

Ha-ha-ha-har!

Thank you. Are you ready?

In three, two, one...

HORN BLARES

So, our gamers need to read the clues on the chests carefully.

-Oh!

-Yes, difficult.

Difficult, aren't they? They've got to find the appropriate keys

in the right place.

There's Jasmine's.

Pretty clear, she's got to go and find a pirate coat.

That's the first thing Jasmine has to do. In we get.

Monica, she's found a key there in her swabbie's bucket.

That's excellent. Excellent stuff.

Jasmine's supposed to be looking in a coat. Don't know what she's doing.

Monica's going to unlock the first trunk.

Jasmine's got a key,

but that's the wrong key. I can be pretty sure of that.

Yep, well done.

She's realised that mistake and gone back to the bucket.

That is an error, but Monica is off. Now she's got the second clue.

Here it is.

I think that's a parrot, Rattus, and there's one.

-You know your species.

-Greg's going about his business quietly.

He's got the first key there.

Look at that key. It's absolutely covered in gunge.

Jasmine, really, this is a waste of time, I'm afraid,

because your key's in there!

Now, hang on a minute, Monica's got a key, but that's not the right one.

That was a bucket, not a parrot.

Jasmine's still nowhere near a coat.

Now, the second chest emerging for Greg.

-Brilliant, isn't it, Rattus?

-Excellent.

Excellent result. Greg's doing very well on today's programme.

And as we can see,

Greg needs the swabbie's bucket for his second key.

He's looking for it, he's looking for it.

There's a hand.

-Excellent, excellent hand there.

-Did I notice

-a tooth mark in that hand? Has someone been nibbling?

-Might have.

I've told you not to meddle with the props

before the games have taken place.

Monica still struggling to work out her clue.

Over here!

Jasmine's got to a hiatus here.

She seems to be stuck.

Well, she's either considering it or she's completely bemused.

Yes, it's one of the two, isn't it? One of the two.

Hello, this looks good.

-Greg's gone into a storming lead here, Rattus.

-He has,

but Monica is struggling with the lock.

Well, neither girls have got the right key, that's why.

There's the third chest, it's the third chest.

Yes, Greg is really close now. All he's got to do is look very

carefully at the instructions. He's put slime

on the instructions. Greg!

But he's after the hanging bag, and he's at the hanging bag.

-He's found the key, Rattus.

-He's found it!

This is very exciting. He's opening the third chest now.

Can he be caught from here? I wouldn't have thought so.

-He's opened the third chest.

-He's opened the chest!

Oh! He's got the scroll!

Greg has won the Pirate Treasure challenge.

# Horrible Histories Gory Games. #

Greg, collect yourself your Pirate Treasure/Year Sphere.

Did you know that in pirate times, maps were considered to be treasure?

They were rare and showed all the trade routes,

so pirates could lie in wait for merchant ships to pass

and steal their precious cargo.

-Don't you mean precious Caaargh-go?

-No, I don't.

Moving swiftly on. On to round two, and to find out what's up next,

it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Rotten Romans.

Here are your Roman Topics.

Greg, it's your turn to pick a topic first.

-Away you go.

-Hygiene, please.

True or false -

we Romans gargled human wee as a type of mouthwash?

Let's see your answers now, please.

And you've all gone for true. Let's find out.

It's true.

Yes, gargle with wee for the fresh, fresh whiff of the toilet.

Do not try gargling wee at home.

Unless you're a Roman or a rat.

Unless those two things.

So, that's a point to everyone. An excellent start.

-Monica, please pick a topic.

-Sport, please.

True or false -

in Roman horseraces, the losing horse was killed?

Well, you've all agreed again. You've gone for false.

See if you're right.

It's false.

It was the winning horse that was killed

as a sacrifice to Mars, the god of war.

Always a good idea to keep in the god of war's good books.

And at the finish line it's Unlucky Boy who wins by a head,

which is to be chopped off. Eurgh! Imagine. Horrible!

Oh, I can imagine it. It's great!

Terrible, It's terrible. Well, you're all doing very well.

Two points each. Lovely.

-It's your turn, Jasmine, to pick a topic.

-Can I have Britain, please?

-Britain.

-Oh, it's a prop question.

There are our props. Two apples.

True or false -

it was Romans who first brought apples to Britain?

You've all gone for false.

Well, I can tell you that it's actually true.

The Romans also introduced roses to Britain.

Yeah, as well as cats. Stupid Romans!

I think cats are lovely.

OK, the final question. You're all level pegging.

You're all still in this. This question's crucial,

and it is a question on punishment.

Is this true or false?

Let's see your answers now, please.

Jasmine and Monica go for true, Greg goes for false.

I can tell you that it's false.

In fact, the punishment involved

one in ten soldiers being stoned to death.

Greg has won another Year Sphere. Fantastic work, Greg.

As the quiz winner, you're also through to play the Roman Game,

but will it be just you, or will the others play too?

Oh, it's a single-player Brainy Game.

Greg, back down the time sewer with you.

Go on, get in there. It's not too horrible.

Phew, it stinks!

The Romans had a god for just about anything.

For instance, they even had Deverra, goddess of brooms.

I guess they'd run out of the good jobs.

It's time to play...

Seven odd gods, then, but two are totally made up.

Your challenge is to work out which five are the real Roman gods.

Choose five names, then move them to the real boards.

Then touch Deverra's broom to find out how many you've got right.

Keep trying new combinations of names,

but be quick, because you're against the clock.

And your time starts now.

HOOTER BLARES

Here goes Greg. What's going to be his choice for his first real god?

Robigus, god of mildew.

Well, it sounds funny, doesn't it? But, you know, Romans did have gods

for virtually everything, so he could well be right.

He might be wrong. What's your assessment, Rattus?

He's reading the words from the beginning to the end,

which you find difficult, Dave.

I do find that very difficult. He is doing well.

Look at that, he's got all five up. Let's see how he's going to do.

You've four right.

He's got four right. I won't give away which one is wrong,

because people at home are playing.

-And you don't know the answer.

-Yes, that as well.

Anyway, Robigus is gone, and up comes Infesta, goddess of head lice.

You have three right.

He's now got more wrong, so Infesta, goddess of head lice must come off.

That makes sense. Up goes Robigus.

Back up there for Robigus.

He's taken Vanilla, god of ice cream, off.

Where does that leave us? What's he doing here?

Invidia, goddess of jealousy.

-This looks good. And I think he's done it.

-You have all five right.

-Yes, yes.

-Well, what a brainy child!

Greg, choose yourself another Year Sphere.

And you're quite right. The made-up ones were Infesta,

goddess of head lice, and Vanilla, god of ice cream.

-It isn't that funny.

-No, it isn't, really.

Romans really believed in gods of mildew and cupboards,

door hinges and jealousy, as well as a Roman goddess of sewers.

Or as we rats know her, goddess of home.

So, over to the Gory Grid to find out what's up next.

It's the Vile Victorians. Good day.

Here are your four Vile Victorian topics.

Gadgets, cures, criminals and cars.

-Monica, it's your turn to pick first.

-Criminals, please.

True or false - Victorians believed they could tell a criminal

just by their looks and general appearance?

Hmm.

Do you all have an answer?

And you've all gone for true.

Well, let's find out.

It's true.

They believed sure signs of being a criminal were

a low forehead, dirty face, heavy dark eyebrows...

Hold on, I'm describing myself here.

It wasn't me, Officer, I promise!

Mmm, we've only got your word for that.

So, Jasmine, your turn to pick a topic.

-Gadgets, please.

-Gadgets. That...

-Which prop... Sorry, I'm excited!

-Rattus has just excitedly told you

it is a prop question, and there is your prop. True or false -

here is a genuine Victorian contraption which was made

for making crinkly toasted sandwiches?

You've all gone for false. You're all absolutely right.

Of course it's not for making crinkly toasted sandwiches.

It is actually a Victorian iron, which was used for ironing ruffs,

-which were special Victorian collars. Oh, yeah.

-Was it hard,

ironing your collars in Victorian times, Dave?

Cos you were alive back then, weren't you?

Is it me or can anyone else hear a really irritating noise? No?

No, must be just me, then.

Greg, your turn to pick a topic.

Cures, please.

True or false -

a Victorian cure for a cold was to wrap a dead snake around your neck?

Jasmine and Greg going for true, Monica going for false.

It's false.

A cure for a cold was to wrap a sweaty sock around your neck.

Fortunately, when your nose is blocked, you can't smell it!

I'm glad I can't smell your socks.

Monica, you did well.

You've gone into the lead. There's one question left. Cars.

Is this true or false -

a man would walk in front of early Victorian cars waving a red flag

to warn other road users that the car was coming?

You've all gone for true.

-It's true.

-You're absolutely right.

Early Victorian cars travelled so slowly.

The speed limit was only four miles an hour.

The good old days,

when there were fewer squashed animals on the road.

I can think of one animal I wouldn't mind seeing squashed.

-Not really, Rattus.

-I just... Oh...

-I love you really.

That means that Monica, with a clean sweep, four out of four,

has won the Year Sphere, so choose a Year Sphere for us, Monica.

Don't forget, BC dates will be subtracted from your final score.

You are through to play the Victorian game,

but will it be an all-play or a single-play game?

It's a single-play brainy game. So, Monica, you know the drill.

Down that time sewer with you. Go on, in you go.

There she goes. Bye.

It's horrible.

Brunel was a brilliant Victorian engineer,

but a very average magician.

While performing a magic trick in 1843,

he accidently swallowed a coin, which became lodged in his throat.

Brunel dislodged the coin with the aid of a clever device.

It's time to play...

Your challenge is to work out which cog goes where.

Once they're in the right place, turn the wheel

to flip Brunel upside down, to dislodge the coin

and win your Year Sphere.

Be quick, you're against the clock, which is starting to tick now.

Here we go with Barmy Brunel, a game of invention and imagination.

It certainly is. I'm imagining it.

It's going to be the best game.

What an extraordinary start. She's gone straight in,

and I think that's the correct one.

It interlocks nicely with the main driving cog.

-It does appear to do that.

-Yes, now in goes number two.

Is it a good fit?

Mmm, certainly room for it on the end there, isn't there?

-There certainly is.

-She only needs to find

two more cogs, and she's there.

Oh, this is amazing, there's one right there. Just needs one more.

She's almost done it. She's going to do it.

The last cog going into place now. She's done it already!

Extraordinary.

Look out, here goes Brunel. He's tipping it over.

-Wow.

-Brunel is over.

The coin will be nestling on the roof of his mouth.

She's got it, the coin is out of Brunel's mouth,

and it's all thanks to Monica.

Well done, Monica. Collect yourself a Year Sphere.

Did you know, Brunel's full name was Isambard Kingdom Brunel?

What bizarre Christian names, eh?

-Actually, I've been meaning to ask you...

-Yes.

-Have you got a middle name?

-Yes, I do, actually.

-Come on, what is it?

-It's Rattus.

Rattus Rattus Rattus?

-That is lazy of your parents.

-When you've got 100 kids,

good Christian names are in short supply.

Fair enough. Well done, everybody.

You're playing well. Jasmine, don't worry about not having spheres,

because you can win the game with no spheres. Time for the final round.

Over to the Gory Grid to find out what we've got.

-It's the Measly Middle Ages.

-No quirky quiz in our final round.

It's straight to our big all-play Middle Ages end game,

and it is a very, very messy one.

Get back down that time sewer.

That's it, Monica.

Just follow the others, Jasmine.

Now, being a gong farmer may sound like a nice enough job,

but let me tell you, it wasn't as you'll find out when we play...

"Gong" was a Middle Ages word for poop,

and your job is to collect the gong from the cess pit,

carry it and slop it into your measuring cylinder.

Whoever collects the most collects the Year Sphere.

Oh, a word of warning. Some people would poo directly through holes

in the floor onto the street below.

Nice. So your lane is going to get very slippery.

Ready, steady, get sloppy!

The gong farming begins, and they each hare down their lanes

to fill up their buckets with poop. Rattus, what do you think of this?

Oh, I think it's the best game ever.

-I thought you might.

-It's poopalicious.

I'd call it poopadoopalicious.

And look at that! Well, Jasmine's already got one bucket load

into her cylinder. Make sure your bucket is brimming with poo.

That's right, Dave, and the other problem with the buckets

is they are canvas-like buckets as opposed to solid buckets,

so as they're running, they drop their buckets,

they lose all their gong.

No, and I can see you certainly don't want that to happen.

Monica seems to be doing very well now.

Monica's doing very well indeed.

She is, she is, but Greg, whilst he's very, very quick,

never seems to take much poo with him.

Getting slippery already,

-because those buckets have tiny holes in the bottom.

-Tiny holes?

They're secreting a certain amount of gong onto the runway there.

It's cruel of us to have put holes in the buckets,

but it is very funny when they fall over and get covered in filth.

Oh, taken a tumble! Poor Greg.

He'll be back up, though. He is wearing proper safety equipment.

Of course, it's very important for me to point out

-that none of this is real poop.

-What, it's not real poop?!

Of course it's not real!

We can't have children rolling around in poop.

Well, what's the point of... Oh!

There's the gong! Oh, my word!

And they did not like that.

If they weren't messy before, they're messy now.

Poor old Greg is absolutely covered in the stuff.

30 seconds remaining.

Yeah, absolutely. Well, there's Greg emptying...

He doesn't seem to empty much in, Greg, does he?

He seems to be losing his poop.

He does. He seems to be dropping his gong.

He arrives at the cylinder and doesn't get any in,

but never mind, because here's Monica.

Struggling over that middle way break.

-Dear me.

-What fool decided to

-put that in, I don't know.

-I don't know.

Monica is doing extremely well, though,

she has moved a lot of poop. It's all over.

It's all over, and Greg has come a poor third.

Jasmine slips into second with a decent amount.

Monica is the champion gong farmer.

Oh, you've changed your T-shirts, I'm glad to see.

Pick yourself a Year Sphere, Monica.

Of course, in many more remote places, cesspits still exist today,

though they're

more sanitary now, and are not usually emptied by hand.

Oh, why do they have to go and spoil everything?

Right, time to count those Year Spheres, and remember, AD dates

are added to the total and BC dates are subtracted,

and Jasmine, you're chuckling away there,

but nought could easily be the winning total,

because there are BC totals which could put the others

into minus territory.

We come to you, Greg. You've won four Year Spheres.

Let's see what you've got. Open that first one for me, please.

Oh, Greg, there is one of those BC totals.

432 BC, the building of the Parthenon was

finished in Athens that year.

1483 AD, Richard II became King of England, and more importantly,

that's put you back into the positives.

37 AD, Caligula became Emperor of Rome.

And your final one. Let's have a look at it.

1939 AD, the start of the Second World War, which means

you end up with a positive score of 3,027.

So that is what you've got to beat, Monica.

Let's start by opening your first Sphere.

55 BC, Julius Caesar invaded Britain.

We don't need any more BCs. We need big positives. Oh, no!

1323 BC, the death of Tutankhamen.

Let's have a look at the third one.

1891 AD. Well, at least you've clawed your way

back into the positives.

Your total has ended up as 513.

For those interested, by the way,

-in 1891, school was made free for every child.

-Hurray!

A significant thing.

So, Greg is today's winner with 3,027 points, and he goes home

with our star prize, and our prizes really do have the wow factor.

As in, "Wow, I can't believe they call that a prize."

It's over to my furry friend to find out what trash he's plucked out

of the time sewers for you today.

-Rattus?

-It's a plate.

It's a plate.

-Is that it?

-It's a Saxon plate made out of 100% pure horse poo!

Should have seen that coming.

Yes. Greg, here it is.

I'm so sorry about this. It's a horse poo plate. Enjoy it.

Don't, whatever you do, eat off it.

It just remains for me to say thanks to our champion Greg.

Thanks to our gallant runners-up

Jasmine and Monica, and no thanks whatsoever to Rattus.

-You've been watching Gory Games. Goodbye.

-Goodbye.

You know, I think I've only ever eaten off poo plates.

Couldn't be less surprised.

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