Episode 10 HH: Gory Games

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# You'd better turn off This show ain't for you

# Still watching Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible History's Gory Games

# Horrible History's Gory

# Games. #

Hello and welcome to Gory Games, with me, Dave Lamb.

And me, Rattus Rattus. Can I come out now?

Are you going to behave yourself?

-Yes.

-Promise?

-Promise.

All right, then.

I'm sorry we had to do that.

This is the show where you get to test your knowledge

of Horrible Histories with quirky quiz questions and gory games.

So without further ado, let's meet today's horrible historians.

I'm Kelly.

I'm Jonah.

-And I'm Zofia!

-Hello! Welcome, one and all.

To get things going this week, I've come up with...

No! Sorry, sorry. You always do this.

You come up with some awful warm-up game that gets me

into trouble with the BBC. Well, not today.

-I was only going to suggest football.

-Football? Just football?

Well, Tudor football. I mean it's got to be historical, obviously.

-OK.

-Granted, it is played with an inflated pig's bladder,

but other than that, it's just football.

There's nothing wrong with football. I'll allow it.

Right. First to three goals wins.

And just like in actual Tudor football, there are no rules,

so you can kick, punch, bite, scratch, maim,

-pull each other's arms off...

-No. Whoa, whoa, whoa! No way.

That's how the Tudors played it.

I don't care. We're getting rid of this for a start.

-THUD!

-Ah!

Sorry, Big Tony. Really sorry. I didn't mean...

It is possible I didn't entirely drain that pig's bladder.

You promised me you were going to behave yourself.

I had my tail crossed. Ha, ha, ha!

Right. Kelly, Jonah and Zofia, you are playing to win Year Spheres.

Each Year Sphere contains a historical date,

and at the end of the show your Year Sphere dates will be added up,

with AD dates being added to your total

and BC dates being subtracted from it.

If these were your Year Spheres, your total would be, Rattus?

-Er, can I phone a friend?

-All right.

-KEY TONES BLEEP

PHONE RINGS

-735.

-Thanks.

-The answer is...

-I know.

Oh...right. At the end of the show,

the person with the highest year score

will win an amazing prize that I've selected myself.

And that's as fantastic as it sounds.

By which I mean, not at all. Right, we're off.

And to find out what Round One's all about, over to the Gory Grid.

It's the measly Middle Ages.

Four questions on the Middle Ages coming up.

The person who gets the most right wins the first Year Sphere.

And your four topics are...

Kelly, you get to pick first this round. Which is it going to be?

Pot Luck.

Pot Luck.

True or false -

the phrase "pot luck" comes from Middle Ages pottery?

Hmm. True or false? Let's see your answers now, please.

Jonah and Zofia going for true, Kelly going with false.

What's the answer?

It's false.

It comes from Middle Ages cookery,

where all the food was just chucked into a pot and left stewing.

Whatever you actually got from the pot was just pot luck.

Us rats have a similar expression. "bin luck".

-We get whatever's chucked in the bin. Ah!

-Well done, Kelly.

One point to you. Jonah, your turn to pick a topic.

Castles.

-Castles. That is a question from Rattus Rattus.

-Oh, thank you.

Is it true or false -

when attacking a castle,

knights were known to sneak in by climbing up the toilet chute?

Typical Rattus question, I'm afraid. Let's see your answers now, please.

Two falses and a true. Kelly and Jonah with falses,

Zofia goes for true. Rattus, put us out of our misery.

The answer is...

true! Ha-ha!

I guess they've just got to hope nothing's coming down the other way.

It would be awful! Awful! Zofia, your turn to choose a topic.

Um, can I have Writing, please.

True or false -

we monks used to write on velum,

which was made from treated and dried animal skin?

Kelly and Zofia going for true, Jonah with false.

-Let's hear the answer.

-It's true.

Hmm, there you go, a point each for the girls there.

-It was usually calf or goat's skin.

-Never rat skin, though?

-No, no.

OK. It's a draw at the moment with one question left in this round.

Kelly and Zofia, all to play for.

Let's do the final question. It's on Kings. Let's hear what it is.

True or false -

Henry VI of England and James V of Scotland both became kings

when they were just nine years-old?

Interestingly, the girls have disagreed,

so we are going to have a winner. Let's find out which of you it is.

It's false. They both became king when they were just babies.

So at least when those kings were behaving like babies,

-they actually were babies.

-Yes.

Fantastic. That means, Zofia, you've won the quiz.

Time to chose your Year Sphere.

Push, push, push, push, push, push, push...

Zofia, choose your Year Sphere.

Beware! One of them could contain a Stone Age date

worth a few million minus points.

-This one.

-That one?

-Yes.

Ho, ho, ho! Good luck. Push, push, push, push...

Zofia, you've won the quiz, which means you're automatically through

to play the Measly Middle Ages Game,

but will you be playing alone or will everyone be playing?

Let's find out.

It's a single-player silly game.

Zofia, it's off down the Time Sewer with you. Careful, it stinks.

Aw, aw! That's a bad one.

We're going over to France in the 1400s to the court of King Louis XI.

Louis has taken delivery of a new, original instrument.

It's time to play the...

Pig Piano!

The instrument consisted of pigs of different sizes and a keyboard.

Play a key and a little spike would prick a piggy and make it squeal.

The larger the pig, the deeper the squeal.

Your challenge is to listen to and repeat a sequence of piggy squeals.

The sequence will start with three squeals

and get one squeal longer each time.

Correctly repeat nine squeals within the time limit to win a Year Sphere.

Get one note wrong, however, and, er... Well, you'll find out.

HONK!

Let's get squealing.

PIGS SQUEAL A TUNE

There's the first sequence. Can she copy that?

PIGS SQUEAL A TUNE

Yes, she can.

The idea here, Rattus, is for the pigs to make a sequence of noises,

and then Zofia has to copy that sequence without making a mistake,

otherwise something unspeakable will happen.

-What unspeakable thing, Dave?

-I can't say, it's unspeakable.

-Unspeakable, yes, yes.

-Absolutely. She's doing very well.

Every time she gets a sequence correct,

we add a squeak to that sequence.

PIGS SQUEAL

As you can see, she's moving through the sequences nicely here.

I like Zofia's style - two-handed.

It's a double-handed press she uses there.

And look at that, doesn't it make her happy.

-PIGS SQUEAL

-Let's just reiterate,

the way in which these squeaks are made

is that a spike goes into the piggy's bottom.

Oh, it's so wrong Dave, it's right!

She's doing well, going through the sequences incredibly well.

She's not making any mistakes, Rattus.

Yeah, she's a cheery pig-torturer, is Zofia.

-You have to say, it's hypnotic, this, isn't it?

-Certainly is.

Although, if you think about it, it's utterly harrowing.

Do I need to point out that these aren't real pigs?

-Are they not real pigs?

-No, I'm not going to.

The pig piano - part musical instrument, part Sunday lunch.

THRRRP!

Oh, big one's let one go!

Well, that was extraordinary. Did you see that, Rattus?

I did see a gust.

It was a puff of something and came out of the big one.

-I don't know what happened there.

-THRRRP!

Oh, there's another one!

Oh, it's Liberty Hall! They're all going for it now!

You have to say, Zofia remains absolutely focussed.

There's pigs guffing left and right, she's barely noticed.

But this is the final sequence.

She has to get these nine squeals correct to win a Year Sphere.

Here she goes.

One...

two, three...

Aw! ..five, six,

seven, eight, nine!

-She's done it!

-She has done it.

That's the full nine squeally squeaks,

and Zofia is Queen of pig torture!

Welcome back, Zofia. Choose yourself a Year Sphere.

Fantastic. Well done, Zofia, that was absolutely brilliant.

Now it's over to the Gory Grid to find out what's up next.

It's the Awful Egyptians.

Here are your four Egyptian topics...

Jonah, it's your turn to pick a topic first.

The Underworld, please.

You have selected a question to be asked by Rattus Rattus.

Ancient Egyptians believed when you died you travelled to the underworld,

where you faced numerous dangers, including a huge river of what?

Was it...

Thank you, Rattus.

Let's see you answers now.

And everybody has gone for C, Rattus. Are they all right?

-They are indeed all right.

-Well done.

-It's C, fire!

Though faced with a river of fire,

I imagine there was the odd river of poo too!

Rattus... Zofia, it's your turn to pick a topic.

Um, can I have Mummies, please?

Is this true or false?

Kelly and Jonah in agreement with B, Zofia going for C.

The answer is B - 40 days.

They used salt to dry the bodies you know?

-It sucks all the moisture out.

-Kelly, your turn to choose a topic.

Can I have Pharaohs, please.

Hatshepsut and Cleopatra were female pharaohs.

But traditionally, all pharaohs were supposed to be men.

So what did they do to make them seem more manly?

A - play violent Egyptian sports,

B - wear false beards

or C - talk in low, growly voices like mine?

All three going for B. Are you all right?

The answer is B - the female pharaohs had to wear false beards.

Actually, my nan's growing a real beard.

Don't tell her I told you that.

We won't say a word.

So, three points apiece for Kelly and Jonah.

Zofia one point behind, but there's one question left,

so everyone still has everything to play for.

That question is on Festivals and we're going to hear it now.

In the early days of Egypt, once every four years

at the Heb-Sed Festival,

the pharaoh had to run three times around the Palace.

What happened if the pharaoh couldn't complete the course?

A - he was killed, B - he was made into a peasant,

or C - he was banished.

Well, girls both going for C, Jonah going for A. Who is right?

The answer is A - he was killed, he's clearly too unfit to rule.

Congratulations, Jonah. You've won the quiz round.

-Collect a Year Sphere, please.

-We should have made them Year Noses.

Then picking them would be funnier.

-Picking them. Picking them! No, I'll shut up.

-I think that's best.

Jonah, as the quiz winner

you're also through to play the Egyptian game,

but will it be just you,

or will the others play too? Let's find out.

It's an all-play brainy game!

So that means it is time for you all to get off down the Time Sewer.

Go on! Go on, Zofia, get in there. Go on, Jonah. That's it, Kelly.

In you go. Oh, a head first there. And she's gone.

Now, Egyptian Pharaohs like to be buried in style,

and what could be more stylish than a pyramid?

-It's time to play...

-Pyramid Puzzle!

You're about to build your very own pyramid,

much like the real ones only, thankfully, a lot smaller.

Nine building blocks, your challenge -

to work out which block goes where.

We've even put the first block in place to help you along.

-First to finish their pyramid wins the Year Sphere.

-Ready, steady...

-HONK!

-Get building!

Zofia goes straight for the big piece, as does Kelly.

Sensible - get the biggest piece on the board straightaway.

Jonah's done it too.

They've all cottoned onto that incredibly quickly.

That's an excellent start.

There's a lot of pieces, isn't there, Rattus?

-Fundamentally, that's the game, Dave.

-Absolutely.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm glad there are lots of pieces.

If it was just one big piece it'd be over...

Well, before they started.

You could hardly call it a challenge.

There'd be no challenge to be had.

Jonah. He is flying through this challenge.

The base layer is complete

and he's started on the first floor already!

Oh! And Zofia's completed her base layer as well.

Whereas, Kelly, look at that.

That's just a load of pieces in a hotchpotch of, disorder, really.

But there's Jonah, look at him.

Zofia's on the second level, too.

There, in fact, there, the two of them are doing very nicely.

Zofia and Jonah on the first floor.

Kelly having a look at every piece

before committing to that ground floor, and why wouldn't you?

Zofia is doing nicely, as is Jonah,

and Kelly seems to be getting there herself.

It's very, very tactical at this stage.

It's all about trial and error, isn't it really, Rattus?

Kelly's completed the ground floor. Very nice.

Jonah putting his piece.

Kelly, she's coming with a bigger piece here.

Kelly could be coming with a bit of a late run here

and that's tremendous because, after a great start,

Jonah seems to be having one or two problems now.

And there's Zofia. Actually, she's doing extremely well!

This has crept up on us, Rattus.

Look at this! She's only got two pieces!

Out of nowhere, only two pieces left to get!

Oh, one more piece to go!

Just the top piece. Surely she can't go wrong from here!

Dave, there is a point to this game, and it goes on the top there.

There it is! And there's the trademark celebration.

Arms in the air,

and well may she celebrate, for she hath built a pyramid!

Well played, and well played, Zofia.

Help yourself to a Year Sphere.

-Zofia, did you find that difficult?

-Yes.

-You did extremely well.

It's very tricky, the pyramid game.

-Ever tried building a pyramid?

-No, that would be just insane.

-Yeah, it would be, wouldn't it?

-Yep.

Excellent. Right.

Time for us to go over to the Gory Grid to find out who's up next.

It's the Gorgeous Georgians!

And here are your four Georgian topics.

Posh people.

Teeth.

Cures.

And Sailors.

Zofia, it's your turn to pick first.

Could I have Posh People, please?

You certainly can.

True or false? When the Earl of Carlisle built his posh stately home,

he gave all the locals in the nearest village a present of a flamingo.

Let's see your answers now please.

Everybody has gone for false. What's the real answer?

It's false. In fact, he had the nearest village flattened.

Well, of course he did. It was quite ruining his view.

Quite right, too. Don't want your view ruined!

So, Kelly. Your turn to pick a topic.

-Teeth, please.

-Teeth it is.

True or false?

If you needed a false tooth

your Georgian dentist might give you one taken from a dead soldier.

Very good. All going for true. Let's see if you are right.

It's true. Teeth were taken from dead soldiers at Waterloo.

You know, I think this one's previous owner

used to like garlic! Ugh.

How absolutely revolting.

So, everyone on two points. Jonah, pick your topic please.

-Cures please.

-Cures. That is a question from Rattus Rattus.

It certainly is, Dave.

True or false?

A Georgian cure for a stye on your eyelid

was to rub it with the tail of a black (SPITS) cat.

Let's see your answers now, please.

Jonah and Zofia going for false. Kelly for true.

Rattus, what is the answer?

True! And if it's all the same to you,

I'd rather keep the stye, and my life, for that matter.

Hmm. Absolutely.

Kelly, you've taken the lead with one question left in this round.

If you get this right, there's nothing

either of the other two can do to catch you

and the final question in this round is on Sailors,

and it is a prop question.

Here is your prop.

True or false?

Georgian sailors ate food from square plates.

Show me now.

Zofia's going for true. Jonah and Kelly going for false.

The answer is, true!

And that is where we get the expression "a square meal".

-I did not know that!

-Yeah, it is true.

-True, yeah.

As we can see, we have a tie.

Kelly and Zofia have three points each.

Jonah's not involved in the buzzer round,

but fingers on buzzers,

Kelly and Zofia, we're going for the tie-break question.

Beginning with the letter G, which king came next

after George I, George II and George III?

ATCHOO!

-Kelly.

-George IV.

You're absolutely right, Kelly, you've won yourself a Year Sphere.

Well done. Everyone has Year Spheres now. I like it when that happens.

OK, Kelly. You're through to play the Georgian game

but will it be just you, or everyone else, too? Let's find out now.

It's an all play silly game!

So, off down that Time Sewer with the lot of you!

Lead 'em off, Zofia.

Lovely. Well done, Jonah, in you go. And now then.

Picture a Georgian and you picture someone in a wig

with lots of make-up - and that's just the men!

Yes, all Georgians loved wigs, but there was one problem.

They were home to hundreds of bugs. It's time to play...

Flea Fling!

Fleas and lice will fling themselves from a giant Georgian wig.

Catch as many in your hair net and wig as possible.

The player who catches the most wins the Year Sphere. Are you ready?

Are you steady? Let the fleas fling!

Remember, our contestants have to catch those fleas

in their nets or on their wigs.

Fleas and lice there. Some people call them parasites.

I call them friends.

Yeah. Look at them!

There's hundreds of them, firing out from all angles.

I didn't think there'd be that many fleas in a Georgian wig

but clearly there are.

Well, Georgians were notably filthy, Dave, it has to be said.

Lice are impossible to get rid of, just like rats, eh?

I hear you. Boy, do I hear you.

Nits are actually the eggs of the louse, Dave.

Um, so they are technically one and the same species.

I bet you wish some fleas had set up home on your mangy head.

Thanks.

I do apologise for calling him mangy,

I didn't mean that, but look at the amount of the fleas

that are being gathered! We're getting very near to the end.

Those nets will get pretty heavy if it carries on like that, Rattus.

It will give them arm strain.

Absolutely. None have attached themselves to the players' heads.

Those wigs remain flealess, which is ironic.

-Time's up.

-And it's all over and we have a tie!

Welcome back, Gory Gamers. Behind your podiums, please.

I can tell you that in third place with 26 points

was Jonah, but joint first with 36 points each were Zofia and Kelly.

Zofia, if you'd like to go first. Choose yourself a Year Sphere.

And now Kelly. Help yourself to a Year Sphere.

Did you know, only important people in Georgian times

could afford a big wig. That's where the phrase "big wig" is from,

-meaning an important person.

-Dave...

If a wig goes bald, do you need to get a wig for it?

Answers on a postcard please and mail it to The Rat,

No Fixed Abode, The Sewer.

Moving swiftly on. It's time for the final round.

Over to the Gory Grid one last time to find out what we've got.

It's the Vicious Vikings.

No quirky quiz in our final round.

It's straight to our big all-play Viking end game

and it's a scary one! Mooah! Sorry.

Everyone get down that Time Sewer.

Come on, in you go. You know the way by now.

Well done, Jonah.

Excellent work, Kelly. Lovely.

It's 793 AD and all is quiet in the monastery on Lindisfarne Island.

But not for long. It's time to play...

You are defenceless monks.

Your only survival hope is that the Vikings won't find you

so best not step on a squeaky floorboard.

Your challenge is to find the one squeak-free path.

Reach the end of the path and there are two doors.

Behind one is freedom! Behind the other is (MANIACAL LAUGH)...

a Viking.

Find him and you have to start all over again.

First person to escape wins the Year Sphere.

Ready, steady...

The contestants have to try

and creep up to the doors at the end by avoiding the squeaky floorboard.

And the creakers sink.

Once they creak, they have to go back to the start

and try to make their way across.

There's only one true path across this puzzle.

They have got to find it by trial and error.

I think they've got to find it by using their feet, Dave.

Yep. One and the same thing.

It's incredibly tense, as they try to recall where they've stood before

and where they may not step in the future.

Kelly making some real progress here.

The same cannot be said for Jonah or Zofia.

Kelly's getting a long way down her path.

Look how far she's going with such sureness of foot.

Now look out. Oh!

A floorboard squeak just at the wrong moment.

And back to the very beginning for her.

That must be very disappointing for the girl.

Yep. Jonah sets off again.

This is the problem for Kelly.

She was at the end but she couldn't remember the path.

No squeak there for Zofia. Not squeak there for Jonah.

No squeak there for Zofia! No...

Oh dear, Jonah's off.

But Zofia's done it.

She's through, Dave.

She's at the big crux of the challenge.

The door on the right and it's the door to freedom!

Oh!

She's free. The others are going to be hacked to death by Vikings.

Zofia, help yourself to another Year Sphere.

Vikings got a taste for raiding monasteries

as they were full of gold and silver and were defended by, er,

well, monks, so they knew they'd win.

Would have been pretty embarrassing

if the big tough Vikings had lost to monks!

Much like when you lost an arm wrestle to a rat, Dave.

I don't know what you mean.

Time to count up those Year Spheres, I think.

And remember, AD years are added to your total

and BC years subtracted.

Kelly, we'll start with you.

Please could you open your first Year Sphere.

508 BC.

Oh!

Democracy invented in Athens. Let's have a look at the second one.

It's 1658 AD. The death of Oliver Cromwell.

You have a total of 1,150.

Now, Jonah, if you can beat that, that will put you into the lead.

What have you got?

1727 AD.

George II became King.

You are in the lead.

So, if Zofia gets a large BC score

in amongst her spheres,

you are going to be our champion.

Zofia, here we go. You've won five spheres. Let's see what you've got.

55 BC.

The year Julius Caesar invaded Britain.

60 AD. Boudicca rebelled against the Romans.

You're on plus five.

899 AD.

The death of Alfred the Great.

1939 AD,

the start of the Second World War.

It's all comes down to this final sphere.

What's it going to be?

Let's have a look.

8500 BC!

The age of the oldest Stone Age house discovered in Britain.

You've been torpedoed

by a massive BC, which means that your final score is

minus 5,657.

-Which means Jonah is today's champion.

-Yes! Wooh!

And that means that you go home with our star prize

and our prizes aren't your usual game-show rubbish. Oh, no.

They're unique bits of historical rubbish

picked out of the Time Sewers by my colleague here.

So what's the big prize, Rattus?

To celebrate the amazing Roman sewage system,

which pumped all the city of Rome's poo

into the River Tiber,

it's a poo-filled Roman fish from the River Tiber!

Hooray!

-Yay.

-There it is.

Full of poo and from Rome!

Of all the rivers in all the historical eras in all the world,

why, oh why, did you pick a fish from one that's filled with poo?

Because, and this might just be me,

I have always found fish to be a little bit bland.

-Oh!

-Congratulations, Jonah.

-Well done. There you go.

-Thank you.

-Terribly sorry.

At least you get to keep your Gory Games T-shirt. So it's not all bad.

It just remains for me to say thanks to our champion, Jonah,

and our fantastic runners up, Kelly and Zofia,

and no thanks whatsoever to Rattus.

Oh, I'm nothing if not constipated.

No wait. Consistent. That's the word.

-You've been watching Gory Games. Goodbye.

-Goodbye.

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# Horrible History's Gory Games. #