Episode 11 HH: Gory Games

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# You'd better turn off this show ain't for you

# Still watching?

# Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible History's Gory Games

# Horrible History's Gory... Games! #

Hello and welcome to Gory Games, with me, Dave Lamb,

and the rodent we know as Rattus Rattus,

but who 10,000 fleas simply call "home".

Hey! I'll have you know I've got fewer fleas than I used to have.

How could you know that?

Cos I just saw at least three jumping onto you.

Oh, what? Oh, thanks a lot(!)

This is the show where you get to test your knowledge

of history's most horrible happenings.

Or as I like to call them, the best bits.

By taking part in the goriest games imaginable.

-Oh, that's it! Tonight you are having a bath.

-Uh?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Yes!

Let's meet our Horrible Historians.

Hi, I'm Erin.

Hi, I'm David.

Hi, I'm Rebecca!

Hey, Rebecca! Hanging nicely.

To start things off today, I've come up with a rat-tastic new game

from the Middle Ages, called Leech Yeech.

Leech Yeech?

Yeah! Doctors used leeches to treat illnesses back then,

so leeches were worth money, and poor people would collect them

by standing in putrid ponds until they were bitten.

And how exactly are you going to make THAT into a game?

With three buckets of stinky pond water, with plenty of leeches!

Contestants run around the buckets and collect as many leeches...

No, this is not going to happen, not on my watch.

-The contestants will get bitten! They'll lose blood!

-Come on!

They'll be fine! Just a quick game.

No! Could someone help me get these out of here? I'm not happy.

Don't go. I spilt pond water and if you're not careful,

you're going to... you're going to...

-You're going to fall over.

-Argh!

Brilliant(!) Now I've got fleas AND leeches.

On the bright side, you've just won the game!

A-ha-ha(!) A-ha-ha(!) Ow!

Sorry I need a bath and a change of shirt.

Can someone help with the rest of these leeches?

Right, Erin, David, Rebecca, you're playing to win Year Spheres.

Each one contains a historical date, and at the end of the show

your Year Sphere dates will be added up,

with AD dates being ADded to your total.

Do you see where we're going with this?

And BC dates suBtraCted from it.

So if these were your Year Spheres your total would be, Rattus?

Erm, it's not three, is it?

No it isn't. It's 735.

Exactly. So like I said, it's not three.

At the end of the show the person with the highest year score

will win a truly unique historical prize.

It's something I've picked out myself. You're going to love it.

That would be a first(!)

And we're off! So to find out

what this round's about, it's over to the Gory Grid.

Arrr! The Putrid Pirates it be!

So four questions coming up on Putrid Pirates. The person who gets

the most right wins the first Year Sphere.

Your four pirate topics are, punishments, pirate talk,

Sadie the Goat and pirate names.

Erin, it's your turn to pick first.

Er, the goat.

Sadie the Goat.

You're extremely lucky.

It's a prop question!

Yes, it is, it's a prop question, and here comes...

-Oh, my word!

-RATTUS CHUCKLES

Oh! That is a bitten-off ear. Here's the question.

A famous pirate from the 1800s called Sadie the Goat,

so she was a pirate, had her ear bitten off in a fight,

but what did she do with the chewed-off ear? Did she,

A, wear it on a chain around her neck?

B, eat it with some tomato sauce?

Or C, mount it on the wall in the crew's quarters

to make them think she could hear anyone plotting against her?

Let's see those answers now please. Everybody's gone for C.

I can tell you that the answer is actually...

A! She wore it on a chain around her neck.

Right, David it's your turn to choose a topic next.

Punishments.

What did pirate Ned Low do to the captain of a captured whaling ship?

A, cut off his ears?

B, maroon him on an island?

Or C, make him walk the plank?

Let's see your answers now, please.

Oh, interesting! Erin and Rebecca going for B, David going for A.

Let's hear the actual answer.

The answer is A.

Ned Low cut off his ears and made him eat them,

sprinkled with salt. Huh! Original.

Wish I'd thought of it, actually.

Well done, David. You're the first off the mark.

You have a point, and Rebecca, it's your turn to choose a topic.

-I'll do pirate talk.

-Will you? Very interesting.

-Yes.

Lovely, well considered, lovely choice. Let's hear that question.

What does the pirate expression "heave to" mean?

A, stop the ship?

B, be sick over the side?

Or C, fire the cannons?

So what does the pirate expression "heave to" mean?

Let's see those answers now, please.

Oh, a complete spread of answers there, the full range.

See what the actual answer is.

The answer is, A, "heave to" means stand still.

So it means "stop the ship".

Can't believe you didn't know that you scurvy landlubber!

Ah, which means "person who'd be happier on land",

and has a nasty disease.

Thanks for clearing that up, very helpful.

That means, with only one question left and David on two points,

you have won the Year Sphere! Congratulations, David.

He's won the Year Sphere?

I've added it up - he's won the Year Sphere!

Thanks, Rattus, up to date as always(!)

So, David, you have won the quiz, time to choose your Year Sphere.

Let's hope it's not one with a Stone Age date inside,

because that can be worth a few million minus points.

Push, push, push, push, push, push, push, push, push, push!

David, come and choose a Year Sphere.

-Any one you like.

-I'll have this one.

That one? Lovely choice. Hm...

Push, push, push...

Winning the quiz means that David is automatically through to play

the Pirate Game,

but will he be alone, or will everyone get to play?

Let's find out.

It's an All Play messy game,

so it's off down the Time Sewer with the lot of you. Go on, Rebecca,

-lead the way. It's not as bad once you get in there.

-Oh, it stinks!

-In you go, David.

-Oh, no, urgh!

-Away you go, Erin.

-Do I have to?

-Yeah, sorry, bye.

COUGHING AND SPLUTTERING

This game is all about chests and keys.

And where are the keys? Well, that would be telling

but there are some clues to help you find them.

The first person to retrieve the treasure map from inside

their colour-coded chest will win the Year Sphere.

But be warned - all is not as straightforward as it seems.

It's time to play:

KLAXON BLARES

Oh, a bit of a cautious start from everyone there, Rattus, wasn't it?

I think they're not quite sure of what it is

they're attempting to do.

Well, what they have to do

is read the instructions on the chest.

Without that, they are going to be hopelessly lost,

and it looks to me as if David has done just that

because he's headed to his

correctly colour-coded tub

and he's going back with the first key.

Erin has the wrong key.

The only way she could have the wrong key

is by not following the instructions.

They're very slippery, these keys. But that's not stopped David.

He's through the first chest.

Now, will he read the instructions on the second chest? There he is!

Time to get yourself all mucky, Swabbie's Bucket, so yucky.

He's gone to Swabbie's Bucket, and he's got the key! It's very simple

-when it's done correctly.

-Absolutely.

It's very clear. It's written down on the side

-of the trunks there.

-You have to say,

Erin's making it look particularly difficult.

But David is onto his third chest.

Rebecca's realised she has to take the little chest out of the big one.

Good. But David... David's run into trouble. He can't find his clue.

Can't find the instructions, but he's found them.

Want to get the swag?

Go look in the hanging bag!

Well, he's doing just that,

and he's having a good rummage round.

He's just got to open this

to win it.

Too late for Rebecca and her new best friend, the parrot, I fear.

He's opened it!

Sound the hooter. It's all over,

for David has the Scroll of Superbness

in his mucky, mucky hands.

Welcome back, everyone.

David, collect your Year Sphere.

I'll have this one.

Why not? It looks a good one. Moving on,

over to the Gory Grid to find out who's up next.

It's the Vile Victorians.

Good day!

So, four questions again, and here are your four Victorian topics:

David, your turn to pick first.

Famous Victorians, please.

Robert Peel was famous for what?

A, bringing the first oranges into the country?

B, founding the first police force?

Or C, being the first person to swim the English Channel?

Let's see those answers now, please.

Everybody is going for B.

Well, let's find out if everybody's right.

The answer is, B.

Robert Peel founded the first police force in 1829,

which is why they were nicknamed "the Peelers".

You learn a new thing every day.

Yes, like never work with animals(!)

Thank you.

So an excellent start from all of you, a point apiece. Erin,

it's your turn to choose a topic.

Gadgets.

And THAT is a prop question.

-Now then.

-Wooh!

Now then. What was this invention for?

Was it A, an early TV aerial?

Was it B, a carpet beater?

Or was it C, a fly scarer?

Let's see your answers now, please. And so

David and Rebecca going for B, Erin going for A. I can tell you

that the actual answer is, C!

It was a fly-scarer. Would you believe that?

Rebecca, your turn to choose a topic.

-I'll do slang, man.

-Slang.

-Slang.

I like it. I like it. Don't know what I'm doing with my hands.

Slang, let's hear the question.

Poor children in Victorian London sold "pure".

But what was pure?

Was it A, dog poo?

B, rotten fruit?

Or C, horse sick?

Let's see those answers now, please. Interesting,

Erin and David going for A, Rebecca going for C. Rattus,

put us out of our misery.

The answer is A, dog poo. They sold it to tanners to make leather.

Let's just award the points there, one for Erin, one for David.

The final question

and this is about the Crimean War. Let's hear the question.

Florence Nightingale was a famous nurse during the Crimean War,

but what was her nickname?

The lady of the what?

Was it A, the thermometer?

B, the lamp?

Or C, the tramp?

Let's see your answers now, please. Everybody has gone for

B. Let's see if you're all right.

The answer is B.

She was known as the Lady of the Lamp,

for her habit of making hospital rounds at night.

So what we have here is a tie-break situation between Erin and David.

If you could be ready, poised above those buzzers,

as what we have here is a buzzer question.

Beginning with D, what's the surname of the famous Victorian writer

who wrote Oliver Twist and a Christmas Carol?

Charles...? David?

-Dickens.

-Dickens is correct. You've just won another Year Sphere.

Superb work.

OK, David, as the quiz winner

you're also through to play the Victorian game,

but will it be just you,

or will the others get to play, too?

Let's find out.

It's a single player brainy game.

So, David, back down that Time Sewer with you.

-In you go, fella.

-Argh!

Victorians came up with some of the silliest names on the planet.

Names like the Princess Cheese and names like Abraham Pooh...

-CHORTLES

-..both real Victorian names.

So seven Victorian names, but two are totally made up. Choose five

and move them to the real board,

then touch the Princess Cheese,

and be thankful it's not an Abraham Pooh.

To see how many you've got right, keep trying new combinations

until you have all five. Be quick - you're against the clock.

It's time to play:

KLAXON BLARES

So David begins the Victorian Name Game.

What'll he go for first? He's having a good look, isn't he?

I always think this is one of our cleanest games,

but one of our trickiest games.

It's so very easy to wrong-foot yourself. If you doubt

the validity of your choice at the start of this game,

then it's all over for you, really, Dave.

It is. He seems to be doing well.

He's gone for Nutty Haddock and Batty Treasure.

There goes Squirrel Nutkin. So he's made his first three selections.

I like the way this lad's taking his time, Felicity Made-up goes on.

Having a little spurt.

He's really sprinting. Farty Gladwish. Touched Princess Cheese.

-'Three right!'

-He's got three right.

And the tactics come on.

He's got James Bottom Bottom Bottom.

Three guesses where James Bottom Bottom Bottom came in the class!

Donald Duck's gone up,

Farty Gladwish has come off. James Bottom Bottom Bottom in his hand,

back on the real board, Felicity Made-up leaves.

'Four right!'

Four right, so he found one of those he just put on there was correct.

-Donald Duck now leaving.

-'Three right!'

I would instinctively say that Donald Duck was right wrong.

Well, he, he was actually three right at that point

so he's taken Felicity Made-up back off, put Donald Duck back on.

-'30 seconds remaining.'

-BELL CHIMES

-'Four right!'

-Four!

He has time, but he'll have to pick one up rather than leaving them

all on the table. Batty Treasure goes on. What will he replace?

What's it going to replace? Squirrel Nutkin comes off.

-'Five right.'

-That has done it!

-Five, he's got five!

-What a great dance!

Congratulations, David.

Pick yourself a Year Sphere, you know the drill.

-I'll have this, thank you.

-So you're quite right, Felicity Made-up

was indeed made up,

and Squirrel Nutkin is just the Beatrice Potter character,

but the others, remarkably, were all genuine Victorian names.

To name their son Donald Duck,

his parents must have been absolutely...

Tell me you're not about to say "quackers".

-Just thought better of it.

-Good.

Over to the Gory Grid to find out who's up next.

It's the Awful Egyptians.

And here are your four Egyptian topics:

Miaow!

-So, Rebecca, what's it to be?

-Cleopatra.

Lovely choice, let's hear the question.

True or false, Egyptian Pharaoh Cleopatra could not speak Egyptian?

Is that true or is that false? Let's see those answers now, please.

Everybody has gone for true. Let's find out if you're right.

It's true. She and all her family were Greek. That's right, Greek,

descended from Alexander the Great's favourite general. Go figure.

Well, I did not know that. Did you know that, Rattus?

I did not know that either!

I did not know that either, but I've said that already.

-Erin, it's your turn to choose a topic.

-Fashion.

Fashion.

-That is a question from the lovely Rattus Rattus.

-Thank you.

-Pleasure.

True or false - posh Egyptian women regularly shaved their heads?

Let's see those answers now, please.

That's two trues from the girls, and a false from David.

Rattus, what's the answer?

It's...true!

There were so many lice in Ancient Egypt, it was more pleasant

to shave your head and wear a wig whenever you wanted.

I'd do the same myself, but I'd look silly in a wig.

To be fair, you look pretty silly without one.

David, your turn to choose a topic.

I choose pyramids.

True or false,

our pyramids were built by slaves?

Let's see those answers now, please.

Everybody's gone for true. It's a clean sweep, are they all right?

It's false, the pyramid workers were free men,

farmers who had no farming to do while the Nile flooded.

I'd inspect the work personally to make sure no-one was slacking.

No-one except me that is - I'm a Pharaoh.

HE SNIFFS

So no points there, but one question left in this round

and it means you're all still very much in the round.

The final question in this round, is a prop question. How exciting.

Look out, that is a mummified cat.

-Woah.

-When explorers discovered the Temple of Bastet,

the Egyptian goddess of cats, they found it was filled

with thousands of mummified cats. Is that true or false, I wonder?

Let's see your answers now, please.

You've all gone for true.

I can tell you that the answer is...

true!

So well done.

Yes, the mummified cats had been left as offerings to the goddess.

A moment's silence please, for the passing of thousands of cats.

Woo hoo, ha-ha-ha ha-ha-ha-ha ha-ha-ha!

Sorry, did I ruin the moment's silence? I don't like cats!

That means we're in a tie-break situation.

This is buzzer round between Erin and Rebecca.

Let's have your fingers on the buzzers.

Beginning with the letter T,

name the famous teenage pharaoh whose tomb... That's Rebecca.

Tutankhamun.

Tutankhamun is correct!

You have won yourself your first Year Sphere. So, Rebecca,

dance your way round to collect your Year Sphere. Lovely.

Dance followed by a skip, superb.

What a precious sphere you've chosen.

You are through to play the Egyptian Game

but will you be playing alone or will everybody get to play with you?

Let's find out.

It's a single player scary game. So, Rebecca,

dance your way into the Time Sewer for us. Lovely. What a shimmy.

Wooh, argh!

The dancing queen has left the building.

In ancient Egypt, it wasn't just important how you looked in life,

it was important how you looked in the afterlife.

Whoever mummified this pharaoh forgot to remove some organs,

and you've got to fix things fast.

Your challenge is to remove the stomach, liver, intestines and lungs

-and put them into the correct canopic jars.

-Argh!

The brain's to be yanked out of the nose and binned,

but the heart must be left inside the body.

It's time to play:

KLAXON SOUNDS

So, Rebecca begins her go

at Mummify Me.

Goggles on. Very important, that, Rattus isn't it?

Very important to wear the goggles.

You never know what's going to burst out of that mummy.

No, you don't, but she's gone in at the top of the torso,

and that's a lung. That is a pair of lungs.

That is a pair of lungs. That'll leave him breathless!

You're absolutely right there, Rattus.

And she pops that into

the correct canopic jar. She's going back in.

-Say that again for me.

-Canopic.

-Oh, I like that!

It's a lovely word isn't it? Canopic,

begins and ends in a C.

But that, could that be the heart?

She doesn't want the heart. No, it's OK,

that's OK, that's the liver.

She's having a look to see which canopic jar

that needs to go into.

This is well played, Rattus -

calm under pressure.

Very calm, very together.

Yeah, lovely to watch.

It's top quality surgery.

And there's the stomach!

There's the stomach, that's going to go into that jar, correctly does it.

Intestines and brain required. Must leave the heart where it is.

Look out! Here come the intestines, and there's an awful lot of them.

-Oh, dear me, there we go.

-Apparently, the intestines

go right from the beginning of you,

-right way through to the end.

-Yes, and they curl round

a few times by the look of it, as well.

They're all being stuffed in there slowly.

That is absolutely revolting.

Now, what's she going to go for? She's now going in for the brain.

CRUNCH! SPLURSH!

Oh, dear me. Oh, that's got to smart.

Let's hope he's definitely dead, because that would really hurt.

The bandages are coming off! We don't want to see that! Here comes

the brain - out the nose in the approved fashion.

-She's got the lot, in the bin.

-Brain's in the bin.

That's where it's to go.

The brain needs to go into the bin.

She's checking all her pots, she's done it, the thumb's up.

-Thumbs up.

-Now, will we see the trademark Rebecca dance?

-Uh-huh!

-Yes, of course!

There's the dance, Dave!

She's not going to disappoint. It's that robotic, twisty thing!

Well done, Rebecca. Collect your Year Sphere.

Time for the final round. It's over to the Gory Grid

one last time to find out who we've got.

It's the Terrible Tudors.

So, no quirky quiz in our final round -

it's straight to our big all-play Tudor endgame,

and it's a very silly one. So,

-get down that Time Sewer.

-Let's go!

-There you go.

-Argh!

-Ohh!

-Wah!

-They're in.

Now, I think it's fair to say that, in later life,

Henry VIII did get a little bit chubby.

Oi! It's not my fault! I've got a gammy leg.

No, of course, Your Majesty.

Although constant pie eating probably didn't help.

I heard that!

You have to collect pies and fling them into Henry's mouth.

Sounds easy, right?

Which is why we've attached you to these bungee cords. Sorry!

Whoever gets the most pies in their Henry's mouth in the time limit,

wins the Year Sphere.

It's time to play:

-It's play time!

-KLAXON BLARES

And we are go with Who Ate All The Pies? Wow! Erin has scored

with her very first throw! That was extraordinary - what a start!

What a start that was.

No joy for Rebecca or David as yet, but look at them -

they're absolutely haring along. It's the fastest

we've ever seen Who Ate All The Pies played.

David missed by a whisker. Erin struggling against the bungee.

Look at that over-arm fling.

David looks incredibly determined, doesn't he?

And it's paid off! He's up and running. Lovely, lovely stuff.

Ah, David seems to be having some issues

with his cord there, it yanks him back.

Look at Erin - went back like an express train!

She's back and game for another.

And she scores!

Look at her go! Absolutely being pinged back!

Is her cord tighter than the others?

It might be,

but I don't think so cos that would be unfair

-on the contestants.

-Everything is above board and fair.

-That much we do know.

-You know what?

She does come back very quickly though, Rattus.

Oh, that's Rebecca's first pie! Congratulations.

And Erin responds with her third.

They've got to get the pies into Henry's mouth

to score points, and some are beginning to land.

Over-arm technique. That's new, a lovely over-arm technique,

There's your classic Frisbee. Lovely.

There's the netball over-arm pitch and there's the hoik.

What a lovely exponent of the hoik David is.

Erin's down again! She really is down more than she's up.

'30 seconds remaining!'

Very little time left now.

David gets his second, he's still in it!

Look at that! Rebecca's beginning to tire, Rattus.

There's the over-arm we've come to know and love,

bouncing off Henry's head. Rebecca, though,

is she still in this? I don't know. For me

I think Erin is nosing in front. Another one!

She's scored another one! She's doing incredibly well.

For me, Dave, there's just one thing missing from this game - gravy.

-Oh, she's down again.

-'Time's up!'

-KLAXON BLARES

-I think it's all over,

judging by the way that everyone seems to have collapsed.

Erin has won with four pies. Well done, Erin.

Welcome back, Gory Gamers. What a tremendous game that was.

Congratulations, Erin. Pick a year sphere, please.

Excellent. Time to count up those Year Spheres

and remember, AD years are added to your total, BC years are subtracted.

Erin, we're going to start with you.

Could you reveal for me now, please, what is in your year sphere?

1542 AD! Mary Queen of Scots became Scottish Queen,

so that gives you 1542, positive score.

David, let's start with your Year Spheres. Let's see number one.

793 AD, Vikings attack Lindisfarne monastery.

So you're off and running. Let's see two.

Oh, my goodness me, 8,000 BC!

Woolly mammoths died out.

Well, you're going to need to go some here.

Let's see the third.

1455 AD, the start of the War of the Roses.

And let's have a look at the last one.

-305 BC, Alexander the Great conquered Egypt.

-Oh!

That gives you a total of minus 6,057.

Bad luck, David. Rebecca, let's have a look at your first Year Sphere.

1199 AD, the death of Richard the Lionheart.

So, that means that the turn of this sphere will decide

who wins today. Let's have a look at it.

Oh, my goodness me! It's 16,000 BC!

That is the age of the oldest

caveman pots and bowls ever found,

and I'm afraid, Rebecca,

that leaves you with a total of minus 14,801.

But that's history, it's horrible.

Erin, you have come from nowhere to win, congratulations to you!

You have won today's star prize.

Yes, it's another piece of old junk plucked out of the Time Sewers

by my mangy mate here. Come on then, Rattus, what is it this time?

Well, Dave, today's prize is a piece of British naval history.

They belonged to a genuine Georgian hero,

it's a pair of Lord Nelson's shoes!

That actually sounds really good!

Unfortunately, he suffered from terrible seasickness

so I'm afraid they're covered in sick!

Brilliant! I take it all back.

I'm so sorry, Erin, perhaps if you wipe them off

you might be able to wear them.

It just remains for me to say thanks to our champion, Erin,

and thanks also to our gallant runners-up, David and Rebecca,

and no thanks whatsoever to Rattus.

Glad to be of service.

You've been watching Gory Games, goodbye.

# Was that show messy enough for you?

# Or would you have preferred

# A little more poo?

# Have you had your fill

# Of blood, guts and gore?

# Or have we left you

# Still wanting more?

# Well, keep watching

# We'll be back again

# With Horrible History's Gory Games

# Horrible History's Gory...

# Games! #