Episode 12 HH: Gory Games

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# Better turn off This show ain't for you

# Still watching? Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

# Horrible Histories Gory...

# ..Games! #

Welcome to Gory Games with me, Dave Lamb and my assistant Rattus Rattus.

And not forgetting my assistant, Terry The Tapeworm.

Ha-ha-ha! Oh, stop it, Terry, that tickles!

It tickles! Ha-ha-ha!

This is the show where you test your knowledge of Horrible Histories

with quirky quiz questions and Gory Games.

So, before we learn any more about Rattus's insides...

It's a tickly little worm!

..let's meet our Horrible Historians.

Hi, my name's Mia.

Hi, my name's Lucas.

Hi, my name's Emily.

Brilliant. Lovely to see you all present and correct.

-Dave.

-What?

-Dave.

-What?

-Dave.

-Doh!

-Before we start the show proper

I've come up with a little ancient Egyptian warm up game.

Our contestants will race each other in a house building contest

using that most common of all Egyptian building materials -

bricks made out of dried animal poop!

Grab a brick, we're off in three, two one...

No! No! No we're not.

This is a health and safety nightmare.

You can't let children handle these bricks

if they're really made from...

-For heaven's sake!

-Whoops!

I'm going to need a clean shirt.

# Horrible Histories Gory Games. #

Right, Mia, Lucas, Emily, you are playing to win Year Spheres.

Each Year Sphere contains a historical date

and at the end of the show your Year Sphere dates will be added up

with AD dates being added to your total

and BC dates being subtracted from it.

If these were your Year Spheres, you total would be, Rattus?

Hm? Oh, a million.

Huh! 735.

-I thought we were rounding up to the nearest million.

-We're not.

At the end the person with the highest year score

will win a unique historical prize.

And it's something I've picked out myself so you won't be disappointed.

Though for legal reasons I have to tell you

that you may in fact be disappointed.

Right, let's get cracking,

and to find out what this round's about it's over to the Gory Grid.

Arr! The Putrid Pirates it be!

Your four Pirate topics are...

Mia, you get to choose first in this round. What will it be?

-Disguises.

-Disguises.

True or false - some pirates attacked merchant ships

by disguising themselves as women?

Is that true or false? Let's see your answers.

Right. Mia and Lucas going for true, Emily going for false.

Let's hear what the actual answer is.

It's true! Yeah.

It was a good way to lure the merchant ship in

by pretending to be ladies in distress.

"Oh, help me, sir, please help me! I'm a lady in distress."

Yeah, I need to work on the voice a little bit.

Just a little bit I think. Yes.

Lucas it's your turn to pick a topic, so pick away.

-I'm going to go with Blackbeard.

-Blackbeard.

Tis I, Blackbeard the pirate. Here be my question.

All going for true.

Well, let's see if you're all right or all wrong.

It's true.

Yes and he'd chop off their whole hand if they had more than one ring.

Oh, that's horrible!

If the rat thinks it's horrible, then it's really horrible.

Emily, your turn to choose a topic.

-Sugar.

-That is a prop question.

Ooh, prop question! Prop question!

It's a bag of sugar.

True or false - in the 1700s

there was so much sugar it was quite worthless?

They've all gone for false.

You're absolutely right.

Sugar was one of the most precious things around in the 1700s.

Well done.

The question remaining in this round is on Treasure.

True or false - when us pirates buried treasure

we would sometimes murder a prisoner and bury him on top of the treasure?

OK, all three of you agreeing on false.

Let's find out what the actual answer is.

It's true! Ha-ha-ha! Yeah.

That way if someone tried to dig up the treasure,

they'd find a "skellington" and think it was just a grave!

It worked every time.

And that is the end of the round,

so Emily, just for now you're history I'm afraid.

But you two, fingers on your buzzers.

Because we are going to have the tie breaker question.

Beginning with the letter S, in the famous pirate expression,

what word went before "..me timbers"?

FART

-Lucas.

-Shiver.

"Shiver me timbers" is right.

Time for you to choose your Year Sphere.

Oh! Heave, heave, heave, heeeeeeeeeaaaave.

Oh, it's heavy when it's a full one.

Lucas, come and collect your Year Sphere.

You really don't want to get one with a Stone Age date inside,

that'd mean a few million minus points.

Ooohhh. Nice one.

Or maybe not.

Heave, heave, heave, heave. Oh, no. Wait a minute, he's taken one off it.

Ooh, that's much lighter. Lalalala.

So, winning the quiz means that Lucas is automatically through

to play the Pirate game.

But will he be alone or will everyone get to play?

It's a single-player silly game waiting for you

at the end of that Time Sewer.

You'd better get down there and find out what it is.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, I'm rather keen on this next game.

It's time to play...

Tch! And yet my Whack-A-Human was considered to be in bad taste!

Double standards or what?! Tut!

Pirate ships were infested with rats -

disease-ridden and tapeworm-carrying...

-Oi! You leave Terry out of this!

-..and your job is to whack 'em.

Whack 15 rats in the time limit to win the Year Sphere.

Are you ready?

Your time starts...

-now.

-KLAXON SOUNDS

So Lucas begins Whack-A-Rat

and poor old Rattus Rattus can't watch.

RATTUS SOBS

Don't punish yourself, Rattus, I'll do this one.

That's excellent strike there from Lucas.

He's off to a fine start and, I'm afraid to say,

he's enjoying himself out there. Another one takes it on the bonce.

There was a cheeky one, popping his head up there.

He's wasn't looking. Both are there!

And he didn't quite get over in time to...

Oh, he got that one all right, though.

Lovely little blow that.

It's a shame you can't watch, it's good fun.

RAT SQUEALS

Oh, he's going to have a headache tomorrow!

I fear that may be optimism.

There'll be thousands rats that aren't bopped.

This is just a little, tiny selection who, admittedly,

are being pretty badly beaten.

But the majority are fine.

Do you know what, Dave?

It's quite fun if I just imagine they're cats.

You keep doing that, Rattus.

'30 seconds remaining.'

Some of these rats are actually enjoying it.

That one with the eye patch certainly is -

-he's a cheeky little rat, that one.

-Ooh!

It's OK, Rattus. It was a glancing blow. He'll live.

He may not be the same rat he was,

but he'll certainly live.

As will Lucas, who needs just one more... And he's done it!

He's done it.

There's one after the buzzer, that was gratuitous.

That doesn't alter the fact he won.

Well done. Help yourself to a Year Sphere.

I'm afraid to say the downside is that Rattus

is no longer speaking to you.

-RATTUS MUTTERS SULKILY

-Come on, Rattus.

-Oh, all right.

-I guess it is the point of the game.

-Yeah.

You've never whacked a rat in real life?

-No, but I'd like to try.

-Oh, that's ruined it!

-Sorry, Rattus.

Of course, rat hunts weren't the only way that pirates

tackled their rodent problems.

Many crews had a ship's cat to catch the rats for them.

On to round two, then.

And to find out what's up next, it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Gorgeous Georgians.

Here are your all-important Georgian topics.

Lucas, it's your turn to pick first. What's it going to be?

-Monkeys!

-Monkeys.

What was a Georgian power monkey?

A. A woman who wore too much make-up.

B. A boy who carried gunpowder on ships.

Or C. A circus monkey.

Mia and Lucas agreeing with B, Emily on C. Let's find out who's right.

The answer is B. A powder monkey was a boy

who carried gunpowder on ships.

They could run fast and made smaller targets for the enemy.

Horrible but true.

Emily, it's your turn to pick a topic.

-Fashion.

-Fashion.

In Georgian times, what was a macaroni?

A. A travelling performer.

B. A pasta salesman.

Or C. A man who wore make-up and tight clothes.

Emily and Lucas agreeing on C, Mia out on her own on A.

Let's see what the answer is.

The answer is, of course, C.

A macaroni was a thoroughly fashionable man,

who wore make-up and tight clothes.

So points there for Emily and Lucas.

Mia, it's your turn to choose a topic next.

Punishments!

Punishments. That is a prop question.

# Prop question, prop questiooooon. #

There it is. It is a whip.

For a serious crime on board a Georgian ship,

you could be beaten by a nine-stranded whip, called a what?

Was it...?

Mia going with A. The other two of you agreeing on B. The answer is...

A. It is a cat-o-nine-tails.

Proving that when something is really evil,

it's always got the letters C-A-T in it.

I think that's just coincidence.

Mia and Lucas neck and neck with two points, Emily on one,

but there's a question remaining, so all is still to play for.

The final question this round is on Nelson.

OK, here we go. Good luck.

A. He was scared of water.

B. He got horribly sea sick.

Or C. He was petrified of seagulls.

Everybody completely in agreement. They're all going for B.

-Let's see if you're all right or all wrong.

-The answer is...

B. He used to get horribly sea sick.

There you go. You were all absolutely right.

And I notice that Mia and Lucas have once again tied. Bad luck, Emily.

I'm sorry to say you're not involved in the buzzer round this time.

It's the tie-break question. Beginning with the letter F,

which European country was ruled by Napoleon Bonaparte?

FART

-France.

-France is the correct answer, Lucas.

You've won yourself another Year Sphere. Go and collect it.

Lucas, as quiz winner,

you're also through to play the Georgian game.

But will it be just you or will the others get to play, too?

Let's find out.

It's an all-play silly game.

So that means it's off down the Time Sewer with the lot of you.

Lead 'em off, Emily.

-Oh, what an interesting entrance that was!

-Whee!

Head-firster.

Argh!

And there we go.

Now, Georgian people famously loved to wear wigs -

the bigger, the better.

The only problem was that most of the wigs were alive with bugs.

It's time to play...

Loads of fleas and lice will be flinging themselves

from a giant Georgian wig.

You have to catch as many bugs as possible.

The player who catches the most wins the Year Sphere.

Are you ready?

-Let the flea flinging begin!

-KLAXON SOUNDS

Here we go with the Georgian Flea Fling

and here come the bugs and the lice

and the creepy-crawlies and the tiny, little things

that scurry around in your scalp.

Rattus, you must have a few of these running around on you,

even as we speak.

I certainly do, Dave, but I'm quite happy -

they pay their rent and don't annoy the neighbours.

Good for them.

Like to hear about upstanding bugs.

What do you feel, Rattus?

Is planting yourself in one position

the trick to this game?

That would be foolhardy, I think,

cos the fleas and the lice

are less likely to jump in the same position.

Our contestants all certainly moving around a lot.

And, as if to prove my point, there they are, you see?

They come from the left and from the right and the left again,

then the right and the middle, the left, the right

-and the kids are all over the place.

-Lovely knee-slide there from Lucas.

A terrific catch.

Sliding on his knees, like a celebrating footballer.

But I fear that may turn out to be a consolation for him,

because Emily is way in front at the moment. And there's the hooter.

And look at that - Emily's got an absolute net full.

Welcome back, gamers.

Well, that was superb. Emily, help yourself to a Year Sphere.

All posh Georgians wore wigs,

but Georgian women's wigs could be enormous!

And some of them contained real fruit as decoration.

Oh, I all too often have real fruit in my hair.

It's a basic hazard of rooting through bins.

Moving swiftly on, I think.

Over to the Gory Grid to find out what's next.

It's the Measly Middle Ages.

Here are your four Middle Ages topics.

Emily, it's your turn to pick first in this round.

What are you going to pick?

Crime.

Crime.

In 1317, a traveller was robbed of £200 whilst journeying to London.

But what was unusual about the robbers?

A. They were dressed as chickens.

B. They were children.

Or C. They were monks.

Lovely. The girls agreeing on C, Lucas on his own with B.

Let's find out who's right.

They answer is C, they were all monks.

-Yes!

-Yeah.

The first - but not the last - criminals to wear hoodies.

OK. Mia, it's your turn to choose a topic.

The plague.

The plague.

The terrible disease, the bubonic plague, arrived in Britain in 1348.

But what did we call it?

Yes, you've all agreed.

Anyway, let's see if you're all right or all wrong.

The answer is B.

We called it the Black Death

because of the dark blotches it made on a victim's skin.

No, no. I'm fine.

COUGHS VIOLENTLY

THUD!

She's very far from fine.

But your performances were very fine,

because you all had a point in that round.

Lucas, it's your turn to pick a topic.

I'm going to go with monks.

Monks.

How did monks keep the bald patch in the middle of their heads?

A. They polished it with a piece of rock.

B. They would burn it off with molten wax.

Or C. They had it grazed by a miniature sheep.

OK. Mia and Emily agreeing on A.

Lucas, again, out on his own with C. Let's see who's right.

The answer is A.

They polished it with a pumice stone, a sort of volcanic rock.

Is that what you use, Dave?

Or do you have a miniature sheep in your pocket?

I have a miniature sheep. I find it works for me.

Mia and Emily, you are on three points each.

There's one question left in this round, it's on toads

-and it is a prop question.

-Ooh, goody!

There is the prop - you'll have to trust me,

there's a toad in that bag.

A dried toad in the bag, worn around the neck,

was a Middle Ages cure for what?

A - bleeding inside the body?

B - sleeplessness?

Or C - warts?

OK. Mia and Lucus have gone for C, Emily has gone for B.

The answer is A - bleeding inside the body!

No points scored in that particular game.

That means that, at the end of that round,

Mia and Emily are in a tie-break situation!

Lucus, for now, you're history, but you've got three spheres,

so that shouldn't trouble you.

Mia and Emily, let's get those fingers on the buzzers.

Beginning with the letter J,

what word is the name of the contest in which two medieval knights...

BUZZER

-Mia.

-Jousting.

Absolutely right, well done,

you've won yourself your first Year Sphere, come and collect it.

So, Mia, you're through to play the Victorian game,

but will it be an all-play or single-player game?

Let's find out.

It's an all-play Gory Game!

That means it's off down the Time Sewer with the lot of you!

Lead us off, Emily.

What a lovely entrance that was. There goes Lucas.

Orthodox.

It pongs!

And Mia thinks it stinks.

Now, William the Conquerer was a huge bully, so not many

people were upset when his funeral didn't go according to plan.

His servants stole his treasure, and the church burned down.

It's time to play Yuckaroo!

You are William's servants,

and your challenge is to take his treasure and put it in your chest.

All the treasure is colour-coded - only take your own colour.

Whoever collects the most pieces wins the Year Sphere

and you'd better be quick, because the church is going to burn down.

Your time starts now! Off we go with Yuckaroo.

It's interesting - both girls have gone straight for the candlestick.

THere's a good twisting action there, isn't there?

Excellent twisting.

Absolutely, you want to be going counter-clockwise, of course.

Emily wins the twist-off. And late to the party is Lucas.

The twist off's over, Lucas!

It's all over, and you've come third on this occasion.

Should just say that stealing is of course bad, remember that, everyone.

Everyone's now got a candlestick.

They're quite easy to sell on.

I think they probably are - everybody likes a good candlestick,

particularly if you've got a lot of candles.

Yeah, absolutely, and once it's appeared on TV,

that's only going to increase its value.

And if you couldn't sell it as a candlestick,

you could melt it down and fashion it into a bracelet,

-or buckles for your shoes.

-Indeed, a trinket of your choice.

This certainly is quite a slow game,

I wish there was something we'd thought of to spice this up.

SQUELCHING

Like that?! Oh, and the guts have gone!

William the Conquerer's belly has exploded there,

and Mia copped quite a lot of that.

Lucas didn't bat an eyelid,

he just carried on fiddling with his goblet there.

-He's done it, he's got the goblet.

-Very good work from Lucas.

30 seconds remaining!

Just 30 seconds remaining and it's very close indeed.

This has crept up on us, but it's very tight at the top.

Mia fractionally ahead at this point,

but people thieving things left, right and centre,

just flying out of the tomb, these treasures.

Oh, and there's the fire!

The church is now on fire, the competition is drawing to a close.

They really need to steal these last few pieces.

A last-minute piece from Emily there. Is it too little too late?

-It might be!

-Time's up!

It's all over, and Mia has edged it.

# Horrible Histories' Gory Games! #

Welcome back, back behind those podiums.

I thought you all did extremely well.

I want to talk about the moment William's stomach exploded.

-How did it make you feel, Mia?

-Well, it went on my hand, I went, "Ew!

"Keep going, keep going!"

Lucas reacted very differently.

I didn't even flinch cos it didn't even touch me.

You didn't even look up. Emily, how did you react?

I just ran away, but I didn't get much on me. I just...you know.

That was brilliant, so exciting. I can tell you, tied with five...

were Lucas and Emily. With six, our winner was Mia!

Help yourself to another Year Sphere, Mia.

All that blood on your arm was worth it. Lovely.

Time for the final round.

Over to the Gory Grid one last time to find out who we've got.

It's the Vile Victorians. Good day.

No quirky quiz in our final round.

It's straight to our big all-play game.

Everyone, get down that Time Sewer. What a scary one we've got for you.

Ladies first!

What an absolute gentleman!

Hard to believe,

but grave robbers would steal dead bodies to sell to surgeons

keen to experiment on corpses to learn how the human body works.

It's time to play... Grave Robbers! You are a rotten robber.

Your challenge?

To steal three bodies from the graveyard,

get them through the railings, on to the carts,

find the key to the cemetary gate

and get them onto the surgeon's table.

-If you hear this noise...

-WHISTLE BLOWS

..then you must rush back to the cemetary and hide,

so the policeman doesn't spot you.

A second whistle means you can go again.

The first to get all their bodies to the surgeon's table

and grab their dodgy money is the winner. Three, two, one!

KLAXON BLASTS

So, off go the grave robbers! There they go.

Leg-first option being taken very nicely there by Emily.

Look at Lucas's technique - he looks like he's trying to get

a piggy-back off the body there.

-Extraordinary technique.

-It is, Dave.

-Quite remarkable.

It's worked for him,

he's managed to get the corpse through the fence there.

Mia struggling as well. But there's Emily working away with the key.

Look at the cobwebs on there.

How many spiders do you think it's taken to get all of them?

-Just the one, he's very industrious.

-I'll say.

He's been working over time and then some!

Emily brings the whole trolley through.

She doesn't need to.

She won't get penalised but it is wasting a lot of time.

And it's meant Lucas has been able to overtake her.

That could be vital later on.

Mia, however, can't find her key. Dear, oh, dear.

The others carrying on bravely.

Lucas is having a dance with his corpse - interesting.

Mia still struggling.

It's on the end of that chain coming out of that pocket there.

Emily not troubled with any of that.

Look, I'm a bit worried about Mia here.

For Lucas, the dance is over and he's started kicking him

through the fence, which I think is a much better option.

Oh! Look out, a corpse has fallen off Emily's trolley.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Now, here's the policeman, everybody's got to get back quick.

Get out of sight and keep very quiet.

-And here comes the bobby now.

-Here comes the shifty-looking peeler.

He's trying to arrest our three grave robbers,

but he's not particularly observant. Not only has he missed them,

but he seems not to have spotted the corpses,

which are littering the floor around him.

-WHISTLE BLOWS

-You can come out now!

And straight back into it.

They can continue with their grave robbing, which is good news for us.

There's the second corpse being delivered by Emily.

She's really in the lead now.

Mia, really, the key is on the end of that chain which you've

had in your hand for some time now! Look closely!

Two bodies now for Lucas.

He's a little behind but he's still in this.

Emily very, very much in the lead.

That's her final corpse being dragged through the railings.

Lucas catching up to her but still a little way behind.

This is very good. It's looking excellent for Emily.

It's looking hopeless for Mia, who simply can't see the key

which we can all see right in front of her face.

Oh, she's going to be furious when she watches this back.

Oh, it's a foregone conclusion now! Emily has delivered the...

But wait a minute. She's just got to pick that bag of money up.

Oh, she thinks she's got to undo the knot.

This could be a catastrophic misunderstanding of the rules

from Emily because Lucas is right behind her.

He's just got to pick that bag up. That's what he's meant to do.

He's done it!

Get through the railings and he's won it.

And, too late, Emily realises her mistake.

It's too late because Lucas has beaten her by a whisker!

And there he is - the greatest grave robber in town.

Welcome back. Lucas, help yourself to another Year Sphere.

What did you think, Emily? Did you think you'd won it?

The string was attached to the bag and I tried to undo it.

But you had to take it off the hook and when Lucas took it off

I went, "Ah, right."

-Take it off the hook.

-Hey, Dave. Dave.

-What did one corpse say to the other?

-I don't know,

what did one corpse say to the other?

Nothing, he was dead. Keep up.

Time to count up those Year Spheres and remember

AD years are added to your total and BC years subtracted from it

so, Mia, let's see what you've got in those Spheres.

1587 AD - the execution of Mary Queen Of Scots.

78 AD - the Romans conquered Wales.

Mia, you have a total of 1665 points.

That's what you've got to beat, Lucas.

Let's see what's in your first Sphere.

1867 AD - the invention of antiseptic for surgery, that year.

305 BC - Alexander The Great conquered Egypt that year.

So that's a negative score. Let's have a look at the third one.

1438 AD - the Incan Empire began in Peru.

1792 AD - gas lighting was invented.

That means you have an excellent total of 4792.

Emily, I don't think you can beat that but let's have a look.

It's 1086 AD - the Doomsday Book was completed that year.

That means that today's winner, with a total of 4792 points, is Lucas.

-Yes!

-And he goes home with our star prize

which promises to be simply amazing but then breaks its promise

and turns out to be some old rubbish fished out of the Time Sewer

by my good colleague Rattus.

Well, I think you'll agree that finding this prize

was a truly incredible feat.

Or rather, a truly incredible foot.

Yes, it's that Roman delicacy, a roast camel foot. Ha-ha-ha!

Who in their right mind would want a camel's foot?

Well, I reckon the camel wouldn't mind it back. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Congratulations, Lucas.

Yes, well done, Lucas. I'm so sorry it's so weird.

-That's fine.

-Are you happy with it?

-Yeah.

Well, it just remains for me to say thanks to our winner Lucas,

thanks to our magnificent runners-up Mia and Emily

-and no thanks to Rattus.

-My absolute pleasure.

You've been watching Gory Games. Goodbye.

# Was that show messy enough for you?

# Or would you have preferred

# A little more poo?

# Have you had your fill

# Of blood, guts and gore?

# Or have we left you

# Still wanting more?

# Well, keep watching

# We'll be back again

# With Horrible History's Gory Games

# Horrible History's Gory...

# Games! #