Episode 13 HH: Gory Games

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# You'd better turn off This show ain't for you

# Still watching? Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

# Horrible Histories Gory...

# Games! #

Hello and welcome to Gory Games

with me, Dave Lamb, and my assistant, Rattus Rattus... Rattus?

-Sorry. I was just preparing dinner.

-What are you having?

-Cockroach.

Lovely. How do you prepare a cockroach for dinner?

I say, "Hello, nice to meet you. Now I'm going to eat you!" Ha-ha!

On this show he makes bad jokes while I test your knowledge

of horrible histories with quirky quiz questions and gory games,

so let's meet today's horrible historians.

Hi, I'm Jack.

-Hi, I'm Maisy.

-Hi, I'm Okechukwu.

-Excellent. Everybody's here.

To get everyone warmed up today,

I've organised a Middle Ages game called Crusader Taste Test.

The Christian soldiers off fighting in the Crusades

were so badly supplied that they often ate things

like tree bark and wheat found in animal droppings.

No! Forget it. Our contestants are not eating animal droppings.

No, they don't have to eat animal droppings.

-They'll taste-test Crusader meat.

-Really?

-All they have to do is correctly identify which is chicken...

-OK.

-..which is beef...

-Fine.

-..and which is the meat

that truly starving Crusaders turn to -

-slices of human flesh carved out of the bum cheek of a dead warrior.

-Oh!

So, contestants, which is the botty bacon?

-Are you ready? Three, two, one...

-Stop! Absolutely not!

Don't worry. You won't have to do that. Not on my watch.

You can't have children eating the bums of dead people.

-When you put it like that, we probably can't, can we?

-No.

-I think we should move on.

-I agree.

Jack, Maisy, Okechukwu, you are playing to win Year Spheres.

Each one contains a historical date.

At the end of the show, AD dates will be added to your total

and BC dates will be subtracted from it.

If these were your Year Spheres, we'd add 1,215, then subtract 480,

-giving us a total of, Rattus...?

-735.

That's right. How did you do that?

I added the 1 to the 8, put the 12 and the 4 into the 10s column,

carried the 0, and while you're distracted,

-I sneak a look at the answers on your autocue! Ha-ha!

-Very clever.

The person with the highest year score will win an amazing prize.

-I pulled it out of the Time Sewers myself.

-That's right.

Your prize was found in the sewers.

Worse still, it's had his grubby little hands all over it.

Oi! Technically, they are not hands.

-They're feet.

-Whatever. Right, let's get cracking.

To find out who this round is about, it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Awful Egyptians.

And your four Egyptian topics are...

So, Jack, you get to pick first.

-Fashion.

-Let's hear the question.

What was a popular Egyptian hair fashion for women?

"A", wear a wig with a wax cone,

"B", shampoo your hair with crocodile wee

or "C", dangle onions and radishes from your plaits?

So, is that A, B or C?

They've all agreed on "A". Let's see if they're all right or wrong.

The answer is "A" - wear a wig with a melted wax cone on it.

The cone was perfumed too. Apparently. I'm not a woman.

Fantastic. Great start, a point apiece. Everybody is off the mark.

-Maisy, it's your turn to pick a topic.

-Tombs.

-Tombs.

-Let's hear the question.

-The question is...

Let's see your answers now, please.

They're all in total agreement again. Let's see if they're right.

The answer is "A", The Book Of The Dead.

OK, Okechukwu, your turn to choose a topic.

Can I have Myths, please?

-That is a question from Rattus Rattus.

-Thank you.

According to Egyptian myth, why did the sun go down every night?

"A", because it was drowned by the moon,

"B", it was swallowed by a cow goddess,

or "C", it got sleepy and needed a rest?

Let's see your answers now, please.

The boys agreeing with "B", Maisy out on her own with "A".

-Rattus, what's the answer?

-Well, I can tell you the answer is...

"B"! Yeah, it was swallowed by a cow goddess.

Goddess of the sky...Nut.

I thought the cow was meant to jump over the moon, not swallow the sun!

Slight misunderstanding. The final topic is War.

And this is your question.

To prove how many men they'd killed in battle,

Egyptian soldiers used to cut off and keep what?

Let's see your answers now, please.

Maisy and Jack agreeing with "B", Okechukwu on his own with "C".

-What's the answer?

-The answer is "B", the right hand.

Oh, it's horrible, but it's true.

That means, at the end of the first round,

Jack, with four, has won the first Year Sphere.

Ah! Jack, come on down and choose your Year Sphere.

-Is that the one you're going for? Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Excellent choice.

Or maybe not.

Yes, you do not want one with a Stone Age date in it

because that could be worth a few million minus points.

Jack is automatically through to play the Egyptian game,

but will he be alone or will the others play too? Let's find out.

It's an All Play Brainy Game,

so you are all heading off down that Time Sewer. Okechukwu, lead the way.

-Cowabunga!

-Yeah, cowabunga indeed! Go on, Maisy.

-It stinks!

-It stinks! Go on, Jack.

-Whee-ee!

-Ha-ha-ha!

No-one is sure exactly how the Egyptians built the Great Pyramids,

but it was nothing like this.

-Yes, it's time to play...

-Pyramid Puzzle.

Nine blocks. You work out which block goes where.

We've even put the first block in place.

The first to finish wins the Year Sphere,

so ready, steady, get building!

So here we go with Pyramid Puzzle.

Obviously, they're looking to get the large pieces at the bottom.

-That's right. The point to this game is in fact...the point.

-Absolutely.

Okechukwu having a look at that piece from every conceivable angle.

He really was rotating it there.

The problem is if you just spend all your time considering one piece,

you don't get anywhere.

It's best to push them all together and kick them until they fit!

That's your theory, Rattus, and I'd keep it to yourself.

Jack's starting again. Good.

Remember, it did take 20 years for the Egyptians to build the Pyramids,

so these three will probably be through in half the time!

Ha-ha-ha!

Although having said that...

-Have you got a clock on this?

-Yeah, there you go.

I'm going to be out after this.

Blocks everywhere here.

Nothing in the way of geometric shapes as yet,

although wait a second, there we go!

Jack, I'm glad to say, has completed the ground floor of his pyramid.

Now we're getting somewhere -

Jack very much in the lead, but Maisy rallying nicely herself.

This is developing into a nice little battle.

Maisy's got the ground floor too.

Okechukwu sadly hasn't yet.

He seems to be lagging behind here, Okechukwu.

He has got to pull his finger out if he wants to feature in this contest.

The Ancient Egyptians were often paid in radishes and garlic

for building their pyramids.

I'm not sure Okechukwu deserves half a spring onion for what he's done.

A very disappointing salad he'll give to his friends. Unlike Jack!

His second level is now complete.

He just has three more pieces to construct.

It's only a matter of time. Only Maisy can catch him now

because Okechukwu is destroying what little pyramid he had to begin with.

There is literally two pieces on him.

Jack has only got one piece left, just the pinnacle.

-Jack's the winner.

-Jack has completed his pyramid.

And look at that celebration.

It's a mixture of dancing and boxing and being a bit silly.

And Okechukwu's distraught.

Well done, Jack. Help yourself to a Year Sphere.

Did you know that the Great Pyramid at Giza is big enough

-to cover eight football pitches?

-That's humongous!

-Yes, it is.

Time for Round 2. To find out what's up next, it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Gorgeous Georgians.

-You all look happy. Have you revised the Georgians?

-Yes.

Jack, you haven't. Bad luck. The other two are up for it!

Here are your four Georgian topics.

-Maisy, you pick first this time. What will you have?

-Women, please.

True or false? Women were only allowed to vote

in elections in Georgian times if they were rich.

Let's see your answer now, please.

So Maisy and Okechukwu going for "true", Jack for "false".

-What's the answer?

-It's false.

Obviously, no women were allowed to vote in Georgian Britain.

Only male landowners like me. Ha-ha! Hmm...

What a horrible man! Okechukwu, your turn to choose a topic.

Can I have Death, please?

True or false?

In 1830, William Huskisson died in the first ever air balloon accident.

So is that true or false?

The boys agreeing on "true", Maisy out on her own with "false".

What's the actual answer?

It's false. Huskisson was run over by one of the first ever trains.

Too-toooooot!

A train impression there from Rattus.

-Jack, your turn to pick a topic.

-I would like Kings, please.

Is this true or is it false?

Let's see those answers now, please.

The boys agreeing again on "true", Maisy thinks that's false.

-What's the answer?

-It's true.

He was German and despite being King of Britain,

he never bothered to learn English.

-You've never bothered to learn Rat.

-No, I haven't.

-Duh-duh, duh-duh-duh.

I dread to think what he just said.

The final question is on Smugglers

and it's a question from Rattus Rattus.

True or false? Georgian smugglers got valuable lace into the country

by hiding it up a pig's bottom.

Let's see your answers now, please.

Jack and Maisy go for "true", Okechukwu goes with "false".

-What's the answer, Rattus?

-Oh, it's false.

But Georgian smugglers did used to stuff lace down a goose's neck.

If you hid lace up a pig's bum, it wouldn't be so pretty afterwards.

I think you're absolutely right. That's the end of the round.

The boys are tied with two points each,

but fingers on buzzers, Jack and Okechukwu, because it's a tie-break.

Beginning with the letter W,

name the type of boots named after the British general... Okechukwu?

-Wellingtons.

-Absolutely right. Well done.

Help yourself to a Year Sphere.

Okechukwu is through to play the Georgian game,

but will he play alone or will he play with everyone?

Let's find out.

It's an All Play Silly Game,

so off down the Time Sewer with the lot of you.

-Lead off, Okechukwu.

-Yippee!

-It stinks!

-Stinky-winky!

Stinky-winky indeed!

Now, Georgian wigs were huge and with huge wigs came a huge problem -

the number of bugs that called the wig home.

-It's time to play...

-Flea Fling.

Loads of fleas and lice will fling themselves from a Georgian wig.

Catch as many bugs in your wig as possible.

The player who catches the most wins the Year Sphere.

Ready? It's time to fling those fleas. Here we go.

They're all out straight away.

Lots of fleas and bugs and lice coming out of there.

Okechukwu's made a good start. There's one clinging to his wig.

There's a second. And now Jack's off the mark.

-There's a second clinger.

-They are little clingers, it has to be said!

Jack's got one in front of his face.

It's obscuring his view, but it's helping him. How does that work?

I'm not sure. The danglers are a bit odd, Dave.

-Sometimes they help, sometimes they hinder.

-That's danglers for you.

Okechukwu and Jack neck and neck, Jack just forging ahead again.

Nothing so far for Maisy, but there's still time left.

It's a very tricky game.

You've got to keep your eye on the flea, but then not look at them.

You have to see where they're coming from, but then tip your head forward

to catch the little blighters.

If you don't, you'll cop a flea in the face.

As your face isn't made of Velcro, it will not stick.

It will just bounce right off. Maisy's got one.

Excellent stuff. And another one. She's on fire now.

But Jack is stretching his lead ever so slightly.

He's 6-5 up. A rush of them means the end of the game is approaching.

Jack's gone two points clear. That could be a crucial lead.

Okechukwu and Maisy both get one.

-HOOTER

-It's very close, but just hanging on

to win the Flea Fling, it's Jack.

He's got a wig full of lice, a broad grin

and a flea obscuring his face!

Back behind your podiums! Maisy, you were going for them with your face.

-I needed to see where they were.

-You have to move your head forward.

If you look at it, it'll hit your face.

Jack, you had one across your face. How did you see anything?

I saw lots of fleas and I was just wafting it about. It was so funny.

Jack, have another Year Sphere.

Georgian wig fashion changed. Long wigs were popular until the 1760s,

then the fashion changed to shorter wigs.

-So people took the wigs in for a haircut?

-I'll press on, if I may?

-Yes, please do.

-Lovely.

Over to the Gory Grid to find out what's up next.

-It's the Vicious Vikings.

-Here are your all-important Viking topics.

So, Okechukwu, it's your turn to choose first.

I would like to choose Viking Myth.

-Let's hear that question. It's from Rattus Rattus.

-It certainly is.

According to Viking beliefs, clouds in the sky are really:

"A", floating sheep,

"B", good witches

or "C", the brains of a dead giant?

Let's see those answers now, please.

You're all agreed. You've all gone for "C".

Rattus, are they right or wrong?

Oh, I'm afraid, Dave...

They're all right! Yes, it's "C", the brains of a dead giant.

Ha-ha-ha! Imagine a Viking weather forecast.

We're expecting plenty of Sunna, god of the sun,

with scattered dead giant brains.

Well done, Rattus. OK, Jack, your turn to pick a topic.

-I would like Blood Axe.

-Blood Axe.

How did Viking Egil Skallagrimsson, real name,

save his own life when he met his enemy, King Eric Bloodaxe?

"A", he pretended to be someone else, "B", he wrote a nice poem,

or "C", he begged for mercy on his knees?

Let's see those answers now, please.

The boys are going for "B", Maisy on her own with "A".

-What's the answer?

-The answer is "B".

He wrote such a good poem, the King didn't kill him.

Maisy, you choose a topic.

Can I have Slaves, please?

What was a Viking slave called?

Let's see those answers now.

Jack and Maisy agreeing with "A",

Okechukwu's going for "C".

-What's the answer?

-The answer is "A", a thrall.

We gave them nice names like "oaf", "stinking" and "blob-nose".

I think they liked them. I really do.

Maybe they did, maybe they didn't. OK, one question left in this round.

It's on Assassins. Let's hear it now.

Let's see if you know this one. My question is...

Maisy reacted to that question. Maybe she thinks she's got it.

Is the answer A, B or C? Show me now.

Look, complete agreement across the board. Everyone's gone for "B".

-Are they all right or wrong?

-The answer is...

"B", in his toilet. Brilliant.

-Yes!

-So, at the end of that round, Jack, with another maximum score,

has won himself a Year Sphere. Help yourself to your fourth Year Sphere.

Jack, as the quiz winner, you are through to play the Viking game,

but will you play alone or will the others play too? Let's find out.

This time, it's a Single Player Brainy Game.

So, Jack, go down that Time Sewer on your own.

Many Vikings had names that spread terror, names like Eric Bloodaxe

that conjure up images of huge, hairy, axe-wielding Vikings.

But not all Vikings had such terrifying names.

-It's time to play the...

-Viking Name Game.

Seven Viking names, but two are made up.

You work out which five are real and move them to the real board.

Touch the axe - I think it's been washed - to see how many are right.

Keep trying new combinations of names until you've got all five.

But be quick. You're against the clock. And your time starts now.

Here we go then with the Viking Name Game.

He's got to choose the five genuine names and stick them on that board.

There's his first one - Sweyn Forkbeard.

-That sounds like a name to conjure with.

-It certainly does, Dave.

I wonder if he had a forky beard? I'm suspecting he did!

He's got a second one up there. There goes Eric The Scared,

along with Gudmund The Excellent.

Here comes the fourth one - Sigrid The Ambitious.

And to complete his line-up, Olaf The Quiet.

-'You have four right.'

-And there's one of those wrong.

Which is it going to be? Eric The Scared comes off.

I wonder if that was the wrong one?

Up goes Eysteinn The Farter.

'You have all five right.'

Eysteinn The Farter was a genuine man. Can you believe it?

What cruel, cruel parents!

Back you come, Jack. Have another Year Sphere.

You've got a full podium. Well done.

Harold Pudding-Face and Eric The Scared aren't real Viking names.

Do you know which city is named after Sweyn Forkbeard?

Yes, I do. I know this, I know this.

Sweyn...Sweyn Sea. Sweynsea. Swansea, Swansea!

Correct. To those of you who live in Swansea,

be grateful your city wasn't named Forkbeard-sea.

Or more importantly, it wasn't named after Eysteinn The Farter.

Time for the final round. What's the Gory Grid got for us this time?

-It's the Terrible Tudors.

-No quirky quiz in our final round.

It's straight to our big All Play Tudor End Game

and it's a very, very silly one.

Everyone get down that Time Sewer.

Cowabunga!

-Oh, it stinks!

-Geronimo!

Henry the Eighth certainly liked his food.

Nonsense! I didn't like food.

I loved it! Absolutely loved it!

He loved his food and he wants feeding now.

-It's time to play...

-Who Ate All The Pies.

You have to grab pies and chuck them into the King's mouth,

a task hindered by the fact that we've attached you to bungee ropes.

The person who gets the most pies

in their Henry's mouth in the time limit wins the Year Sphere.

Three, two, one, it's pie time!

Here we go with Who Ate All The Pies. The answer's Henry the Eighth!

And it's all about technique, this game.

And there's... I have to say I like Okechukwu's.

I like that a lot. That is the classic Frisbee. Look what he does.

Oh, beautiful, two out of two!

Okechukwu is resisting the spring-back tension in the bungee,

steadying himself and Frisbee-ing the pie straight through the gob.

Here he goes again. Look at this, textbook! Beautiful stuff!

What a tremendous player he is! The others are absolutely shell-shocked

by what's happening in Okechukwu's lane here.

Jack's got the underarm hoik going and he scores one there.

The pie man busying himself as always. A terrific pie man, this.

-He prepares a lovely pie.

-I wonder if fruit or meat has an effect here?

Some of the pies are meat, some are seafood

and some are full of cotton wool.

That's a very interesting point, Rattus.

That will affect the trajectory,

though whether Henry the Eighth would have liked seafood...

-I think he's very much a meat pie man.

-I would have said so.

I wouldn't be surprised if he was allergic to seafood and to dieting.

-She gets pinged back very sharply.

-Yes, Dave.

But the tension is set to the right momentum

for the size and weight of the child.

That's extremely clear. Thank you for clearing that one up, Rattus.

That has made our understanding of the game much deeper.

-'30 seconds remaining.'

-So 30 seconds left.

Now, Okechukwu is well out in front -

four pies to the good at the moment.

They're all beginning to tire now. This game gets tiring very quickly.

Okechukwu's done enough early on to win this comfortably.

It really was exciting, the way he started off the game.

Oh, dear! That was a tired fling from Maisy.

She nearly got hit in the face by a pie in the pie man's hand there.

-'Time's up.'

-And it's all over.

Respite at last for Maisy who collapses in a heap,

but our winner, without question, six pies to three, is Okechukwu.

There he is, struggling for breath!

Get back behind those podiums. Well played indeed.

Very interesting to see three very different techniques

on display during that game.

-Maisy, how did you find it?

-Hard.

Cos I just... Like, I ran, but I couldn't throw

cos I just got pulled back, so I had the same pie for about five goes.

Henry's stomach must have been rumbling.

Okechukwu, help yourself to a Year Sphere.

One Tudor feast at Greenwich Palace lasted for seven hours.

The food didn't come on plates, but on trenchers - huge slabs of bread.

So even the plates were edible?

Oh, those Tudors really did think of everything!

It's time to count up those Year Spheres.

Remember, AD dates are added to your total and BC years are subtracted.

Jack, let's see what you've got.

Oh, it's 60 BC, the year Boudica rebelled against the Romans.

It's bad, but it's not a disaster.

1840 AD - Queen Victoria marries Prince Albert. Back in the positive.

1213 BC - the death of Pharaoh Ramesses the Second.

But you're still in the positive.

476 AD - the fall of the Roman Empire.

Your final one could be crucial.

Oh, my word!

Jack, it's 16,000 BC.

The oldest caveman pots and bowls dated from about then.

So that's meant that you've ended up with a total of minus 14,957.

Maisy, I can tell you you've got nought

-which at the moment puts you firmly in the lead.

-Ha-ha-ha!

So, Okechukwu, zero to beat. Let's open that first one.

991 AD - the Vikings won the Battle of Maldon.

It's all coming down to this second sphere. Let's have a look at it.

1533 AD - the Incan Empire destroyed by Spanish Conquistadors.

Okechukwu, you are today's champion with 2,524 points.

The bad news is I entrusted Rattus with finding the prize.

-Actually, the prize is an important historical artefact.

-Really?

Oh, yes. You see, back in 1632,

a Puritan, Will Prynne, wrote a book condemning the theatre as evil.

Unfortunately, the King quite liked a spot of acting,

so the book was condemned as treason

and Will Prynne had his ears cut off as a punishment.

So an original edition of that book would make quite a prize.

You've found one in the Time Sewer?

No, but I did find Will Prynne's severed ears!

Oh, what is wrong with you?!

I wouldn't know where to start. Okechukwu, congratulations!

There you go, Okechukwu. Sorry, it's just a couple of ears on a plinth.

Thanks to Maisy, Jack and Okechukwu and no thanks whatsoever to Rattus.

-That's OK.

-You've been watching Gory Games. Goodbye.

-Goodbye.

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