Episode 1 HH: Gory Games

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# You'd better turn off, this show ain't for you

# Still watching?

# Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

# Horrible histories Gory Games. #

Hello and welcome to Gory Games with me, Dave Lamb.

And me, Rattus Rattus, the rat so great they named him twice.

-Yeah. I don't think that's why you were named twice.

-You're jealous.

Of your repetitive name? Don't be ridiculous.

You are SOOOOO jealous.

No, I'm not jealous at all.

SOOOOOOO jealous!

I'm not jealous all right and now you've ruined the start of the show

so we're going to have to do it all over again, Rattus.

Hello and welcome to Gory Games with Rattus Rattus and me,

Dave Dave Lamb Lamb!

-Oi!

-Shut up!

A man so great they named me twice.

This is the show where you test your knowledge of Horrible Histories

by taking part in the goriest games known to man or, indeed, to rat.

Right then. Let's meet today's Horrible Historians.

-I'm Nehaal.

-I'm George.

-It's Lydia.

-Excellent.

-Dave.

-What?

-Dave.

-What?

-Dave.

-WHAT?

-Dave.

-Hm.

-Barbara.

-Barbara?!

-Dave.

-What?

-Time to get this show on the road with a little warm up game

all of my very own.

-Yeah, sorry, we haven't discussed this, have we?

-No need to, Dave.

I know exactly what I'm doing.

It's time to play Greased Goose Grab.

Bring on the goose!

DRUM ROLL

Greased Goose?

Chillax!

This is a traditional game from the Georgian era

which was very popular at fairs.

-Oh.

-A goose was hung by its feet from a tree

and riders galloped underneath trying to pull its head off.

-Pull it's head off?!

-Don't worry.

The grease makes it really hard to do.

No, no way. Time out all right, everyone.

You might get away with that in Georgian Britain, Rattus,

but we are not doing it today.

Let's just get this goose down. I'll do it myself if I have to.

Oh! For heaven's sake, I'm covered in grease now.

-You see, it's hard isn't it?

-Oh, I'm going to need a towel here.

And can someone please get rid of that goose and the rat?

Ooooh!

Right. Nehaal, George, Lydia you are playing to win Year Spheres.

Each Year Sphere contains a historical date and at the end

of the show your Year Sphere dates will be added together with AD dates

being ADded to your total, and BC dates being suBtraCted from it.

So, if these were your Year Spheres your total would be, Rattus?

-Er, to how many decimal places?

-Whole numbers will be fine.

Gotcha. Er, 7.492.

-I give up with you. It's 735.

-Like I said.

At the end of the show, the person with the highest year score

will win a brilliant historical prize.

One that I picked out myself.

And, believe me, it really is amazing

that anyone could think that it's a decent prize.

So mean, so mean.

Right, let's get cracking

and to find out what this round's about it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Frightful First World War.

Four questions on the Frightful First World War coming up

and your four First World War topics are...

Nehaal, it's your turn to pick first in this round. What will it be?

German inventions, please.

German inventions. Let's hear that question.

On January 15th, 1915, what German invention was used

to attack Great Yarmouth in East Anglia?

Show me your answers now.

Everybody in total agreement.

They all think it's B.

Are they all right or are they all wrong?

The answer is B, a Zeppelin.

A massive great inflatable airship

that was the first air raid in British history.

Yes, Zeppelins were huge and filled with gas which unfortunately meant

they were very, very easy targets.

George, it's your turn to pick a topic.

-I think I'll go potatoes.

-Potatoes.

That is a prop question.

Ah, look at that lovely potato.

Which of these was given as a nickname to potatoes

in World War One?

Let's see your answers now, please.

OK. George and Lydia going for A.

Nehaal on her own with C.

Well, I'm afraid none of you are right. The answer is B.

Soldiers called potatoes Bombardier, which came from the French word

for potatoes, pomme de terre, which sounds a little bit like Bombardier.

Although, to be fair, not much like it.

If you're not having that mouldy potato, can I have it?

Yeah, knock yourself out, Rattus. Lydia, your turn to pick a topic.

Can I please pick Slang?

Slang. Let's hear that question.

What was trenches slang for being tired?

Let's see those answers now please.

Nehaal and George agreeing on C.

Lydia, this time, out on her own with B.

Let's find out who's right.

The answer is C. If you were tired you were chin strapped.

Soldiers were usually so tired it was said they were only held upright

by the strap on the helmets lifting their chins.

So, one question left in this round. Everything still to play for.

Let's hear the final question.

How did the French Army get many of its soldiers to the trenches?

So, is the answer A? Is it B? Or is it C?

OK. The girls agreeing on C.

George has gone for A, all on his own.

Let's find out who, if anyone, is right.

The answer is A! In lots of taxis.

It's, er, right at the barbed wire

and left at the unexploded bomb please, cabbie.

Can you imagine? Ah!

So, George, you have won the quiz.

It's time to choose your Year Sphere from our trolley wolley.

Hm. Push, push, push, push, push, push, push.

Oh, there you go, George. Come and choose your Year Sphere.

-That one?

-Yep.

Push, push, push, push, push, push, push. Might be a good one.

Yes, that could be a good one or bad one.

We won't find out until the end of the show.

So winning the quiz means that George is automatically through

to play the World War One game

but will he be alone or will everyone else get to play?

Let's find out.

It's a single player silly game.

So, off you go, soldier. Get down that Time Sewer with you.

Wooh!

Ooh, head first.

There were thousands of soldiers fighting in the trenches

of World War One and for every soldier there were several rats.

But whilst rats had greater numbers, the soldiers had spades.

Yes, it's time to play...

-This is wrong. Just so wrong!

-He, he, he!

Whack 15 rats with your spade within the time limit

to win the Year Sphere and your time starts now.

HORN SOUNDS

George attempts to Vanquish Vile Vermin. There's one with a hat on.

Well, Rattus, you don't see that every day, do you?

There was a degree of profiteering to be had on this game.

I sold more hard hats for a pound a piece.

Well, I hope you can live with yourself.

Been selling white flags as well, have you, Rattus?

Dear oh dear, disgraceful.

I have a feeling that that surrender is not going to help him. Ooh!

-He got a very serious smash on the head anyway.

-Poor Uncle Whipmeyer.

Poor Uncle Whipmeyer, exactly. Well, look. He's a little bit...

He's not doing brilliantly well, George. He's doing well enough

but there are quite a lot of rats popping out and escaping.

His hair's in his eyes. That's the problem, Dave.

He could do with a good trim.

That's a very military attitude you're showing, Rattus,

but I suppose it's a appropriate seeing as this is World War One

we're playing in here.

Dave, I think the least we could do is give the rats spades.

They're getting spades, Rattus. Square in the face!

RATTUS SOBS

Don't talk, Rattus. Don't talk. I'll do the commentary.

Well, he's got nine, George. He's got nine so far. He needs 15.

And he does miss a few, George,

but when he does hit them, boy, do they stay hit like that one there.

He won't be troubling us again.

There's a lot of jiggery-pokery here. A lot of fast action.

Rats emerging and disappearing again. He just needs two more.

One more required.

BUZZER SOUNDS

He's run out of time.

George has run out of time. That one's not going to count

but it means Uncle Whipmeyer spends the night in field hospital.

Welcome back, George. Bad luck. You are quite aggressive with a spade.

-Have you ever hit a rat with a spade before?

-No.

-Would you like to hit Rattus here with a spade?

-Definitely.

It's all right. It's all right.

I won't let him near you. I won't let him near you.

On to Round 2 and to find out what's up next it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Rotten Romans.

Here are your four Roman topics.

-George, it's you to pick first. What's it going to be?

-Gladiators.

Let's hear the question.

What was unusual about the Gladiators called the Andabatae?

A - They fought with their arms tied behind their backs?

B - They fought blindfolded?

C - They were children?

Let's see your answers now please.

Oh, look at that.

A complete spread of different answers.

Let's find out who's right.

The answer is B.

They fought blindfolded which was really funny for the spectators.

Not so funny for the gladiators.

No, I could imagine!

Lydia, it's your turn to pick a topic. What's it going to be?

-Nero, please.

-Nero. Let's hear that question.

Emperor Nero had a massive Egyptian slave called Polyfargus

but what was unusual about him?

A - He ate absolutely anything

B - He had three arms, or

C - He ate absolutely nothing.

Let's see those answers.

Again, total disagreement. Let's find out who's right.

The answer is A - Polyfargus ate absolutely anything

and everything including a live human. Urgh!

-Crikey. Suddenly the rat's diet seems positively pleasant.

-Oi!

OK, Nehaal, it's your turn to pick a topic.

-Can I have roads, please?

-Roads. You certainly can.

Here comes your question, ready or not.

Let's see your answers now, please. The girls agreeing this time on B.

George on his own with C. Who, if anyone, is right?

The answer is

C - on the left.

Interesting. OK. So, one point apiece.

Well played, everybody.

One question left in this round and it's a question on Wings.

-And it's a question from Mr Rattus Rattus.

-I thank you.

Evil Emperor Domitian liked to pull the wings off which creature?

Let's have a look at your answers right now.

So George and Lydia agreeing with B. Nehaal with A. Who's right, Rattus?

It's George and Lydia with B.

Yes, flies.

Well, at the end of that round,

George and Lydia, you go into tie-break question.

Fingers on buzzers.

Beginning with the letter R,

what was the capital city of the Ancient Roman Empire?

George.

-Rome.

-Rome is absolutely right, George.

A big exhale from Lydia who knew that one as well

but George collects another Year Sphere.

Help yourself, George.

OK, George, you are through to play the Roman game

but will he be playing alone or will he be joined by the others?

Let's find out.

It's an All Play Gory Game

so off down the Time Sewer with the lot of you!

Lead the way, Lydia.

Waah!

Wooh!

-Oh, it stinks!

-It certainly does, Nehaal.

When it came to wars, Romans didn't like to lose

so they employed some of the most brutal battle tactics ever.

It's time to play...

Yes, if Romans wanted to get into an enemy fortress they would use

catapults to fire all sorts of awful things such as heavy rocks,

hives of stinging bees and even the severed heads of dead enemies.

Nice touch.

You must fire as many missiles into your fortress target as possible.

The person who gets the most in the time limit wins the Year Sphere.

So catapults at the ready. In three, two, one!

HORN SOUNDS

So, here we go then with Savage Siege

and you notice straight away that Lydia's gone for the beehive.

The other two for decapitated heads.

Who's going to land with that first blow? No one, quite honestly.

So we learnt nothing, nothing at all.

I did once stick my nose in a beehive once.

Won't be doing that again, Dave!

You shouldn't have done it in the first place, quite frankly, Rattus.

Very, very dangerous practice, that. Nose in the old beehive there.

Very lucky to escape a very, very badly swollen nose.

Still, on with the game and Nehaal's back in it.

-Lovely stuff.

-Oh! And that one bounced right off.

Yeah. A very low trajectory on that one, wasn't it?

She really gave it some welly. She's doing it again look. Wa ha ho!

She really is firing them, firing them hard,

and George grabs his first beehive.

Lovely to see the beehive going in it. Underused, I feel.

-First head there.

-Yeah, first head there for George. Lovely.

Nehaal also on two at the end there. She's doing nicely.

George is really into his stride now. He's just landed a rock.

He's gone into the lead. That's tremendous shooting.

A word about these rocks.

-They're lighter than they look, aren't they, Rattus?

-Certainly are.

They're a specially designed lightweight boulder

for international use.

Yeah, they have been passed by

the International Savage Siege Federation or the ISSF.

-They are regulation weight and size. There's another rock.

-Oh!

Landing beautifully round the rim there of the basket.

This is looking very, very good for Lydia all of a sudden.

She's suddenly spurted ahead.

She really would have made a very good Roman soldier, wouldn't she?

She certainly would.

George has fired one into Lydia's basket there.

It won't count but could be crucial for George as time is running out.

There's Lydia. Fires one over the top but I think time's run out.

George though, the one away. It's not enough.

BUZZER SOUNDS

There it is, it's all over. Lydia, give us a nod if you've won it.

Bang!

-Excellent Savage Siege. Lydia, have you done that before?

-No.

-You look very good at it.

-Thank you.

-Which ones did you like?

The heads cos there was more of them so I got more used to them.

So, Lydia, help yourself to a Year Sphere.

Another Roman Siege tactic was to build giant wooden towers on wheels

that had ladders inside them.

They'd wheel these towers up to the fortress walls,

Roman soldiers would climb up the inside

and jump out onto the enemy's battlements.

-Well, a bit like an early elevator.

-Well, kind of.

But, rather than taking you up to menswear and the cafe,

they'd take you up to violent bloodshed and possible death.

-I think I'll give that shop a miss.

-So will I.

Over to the Gory Grid to find out what's up next.

It's the Awful Egyptians.

And here are your all important Egyptian topics.

So, Lydia, it's your turn to pick a topic first this time.

Can I please have Pharaohs, please?

Pharaohs. You can indeed.

That is a question from my esteemed colleague, Mr Rattus Rattus.

Esteemed colleague!

He's after something.

True or false? Ramasses II had a very spotty face.

Well, that was a quick question.

Let's see you answers now, please. Well, look at that.

George and Nehaal going for false. Lydia going for true.

Rattus, who's right?

George, Nehaal, I'm afraid you're wrong cos it's true!

Archaeologists found his tomb, unwrapped his mummy

and could tell that he had a spotty face.

I was a spotty teenager.

Fortunately, you couldn't see it under all this fur.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

-I'll shut up.

-Nehaal, it's your turn to pick a topic.

I'd like Egyptian Gods, please.

Egyptian Gods. Let's hear that question.

True or false?

We believed Tar was the god of all things in the world.

He made them exist just by speaking their names.

So, is that true or false?

George and Nehaal agreeing with each other again on false.

Lydia on her own with true. Let's see who's right.

-It's true.

-Ooh, what a neat trick, eh?

I wonder if I can make things exist just by speaking their names.

Pile of rotting animal guts! Pile of rotting animal guts!

No, no joy.

-George, it's your turn to pick a topic.

-Houses.

Houses. Let's hear the question.

True or false?

Most ancient Egyptians lived in houses made of stone bricks.

So, is that true or false? OK.

The girls are going for false. George with true. What's the answer?

It's false. Most Egyptians lived in houses made of mud bricks

baked hard by the hot sun.

Me? I lived in a palace. I mean, mud hut, as if? Get real!

So, no need for the last question.

Lydia, you've already won the round

and that means you get to collect another Year Sphere.

Lydia, as the quiz winner, you're also through to the Egyptian Game

but will it be just you or will the others get to play too?

Let's find out.

It's a Single Player Scary Game

which means you have to go down the sewer all on your own, Lydia.

Good luck.

-Bye.

-Bye.

I hope she's all right in there.

The goriest bit of the mummification process involved removing all

the body's organs so guess which bit of the mummification process

we're basing this next game on?

Yep, it's time to play...

Yes, whoever mummified this Pharaoh forgot to remove some organs

and you've got to sort out the mess.

Your challenge is to remove the stomach, liver, intestines and lungs

and put them in the correct canopic jars.

The brain needs to be yanked out of the nose and binned

but the heart must be left inside the body.

Got that? Good.

Just don't let your time run out if you want to win a Year Sphere.

In three, two, one...

Mummify Me!

So here we are, deep within a pyramid about to play Mummify Me.

Lydia dons goggles which wouldn't have been around at the time.

That's a modern thing. We've had to introduce the safety goggle here

because there's a lot of spattering as we're about to find out.

There she goes, undoing the bandages and going in for her first organ

and oh dear, oh dear, it's gungy!

Oh, it's a bit squelchy, it's a bit slimy

and that looks to me like a top of the liver.

-Oh, yeah, that it is.

-That's the liver.

The liver is out. Now, which canopic jar?

That's what she has to decide now.

She matches it up to the hieroglyphic.

Very good, very good, very methodical

but, it all takes up time, doesn't it, Rattus?

Certainly does take up time.

Every single second that you're breathing takes up time.

-That's the tragedy of life.

-Absolutely. There's the stomach.

Now which canopic jar?

She's once again circling round the coffin,

although the plinth I suppose you'd call it.

That's gone safely in. What else will she find?

I think she's left the lungs behind.

I don't want to worry you, Rattus, but she's left the lungs in there.

Yes, Dave, she's moved down to the stomach there

and she's found the intestines, she's pulling them out.

Oh my goodness me. I mean, I've seen some horrible things in my time

but that really does rank at least in the top five.

Look at the amount of guts there.

She seemed to put her hand in there for a sort of wash off!

I think she lost her watch.

I don't know what's happened there. She needs to retrieve that quickly.

We don't want a mummy with a watch inside it.

30 seconds left. She needs to get a shift on.

Now this bit is particularly upsetting.

If you're squeamish I'd look away now because that is going in there.

It's gone right into the brain and here comes a bit of the brain.

The stringy bit of the brain as it unravels inside the skull.

Which part of the brain is that, Dave? I'm not sure.

I think it's a bit of the frontal lobe that's come unravelled

and she's dragging it round the floor

and she's going to run out of time!

HORN SOUNDS

She needs to put that in the bin but she can't find a bin.

It was at the front of the pyramid all along.

She left the lungs inside so it's not really worked out for Lydia.

Welcome back, Lydia. Welcome back. Emerging from the smoke.

Did you know it was traditional for a trainee embalmer to be

chased up and down the streets being whipped by all the local people?

They were punishing him in advance

for the horrible things he'd do to their bodies when they died.

It's like when I washed my dirty feet in your coffee

to get you back for stealing my socks.

-What? I never stole your socks.

-Well, no, but you might do one day.

Oh for heaven's sake.

Time for the final round, thank goodness.

Over to the Gory Grid one last time to find out what we've got.

It's the Vicious Vikings.

So, no quirky quiz in our final round.

It's straight to our big All Play Viking End Game

and it's a scary one.

So, everyone, get back down that Time Sewer.

-Lead 'em off Lydia.

-Bye!

-Bye.

-Go on, George.

-Wooh!

-Off you go now.

-Wee!

-Wahoo!

The Vikings liked nothing more than a good fight against enemy warriors,

except, perhaps, a thoroughly one-sided fight against monks.

It's time to play...

You are defenceless monks.

Your only hope of survival is that the attacking Vikings won't find you

in your Monastery so best not step on a squeaky floorboard.

Your challenge is to find the one squeak-free path.

Every time you step on a sinking squeaky wooden panel,

you'll be sent back to the start.

At the end of the path are two doors. Behind one is freedom.

Behind the other is GRRAAAAAGGHH!!

I'm portraying a Viking.

Find him and you have to start all over again.

The first person to escape wins the Year Sphere.

Ready, steady, shh!

So here we go.

They're looking for the one squeak-free path

and they didn't find it there, Rattus.

There were squeaks all over place like someone trod on a bag of mice.

Dave, I've got a lot in common with Vikings.

We've both got whiskers and furry faces.

And you both stink.

And George heads back to the start then. Nehaal as well.

Here is Lydia attempting to find... Oh! And she's just gone.

She was doing very nicely. This is a very difficult game, Rattus.

It's all down to memory, Dave, and also good listening

because it's very tricky this game because of the creaking.

Everyone else's boards are creaking. Who knows who's creaking?

The giveaway is that your floorboard will sink slightly

if it's a creaker and, look at that, he's right at the end here.

Why's he going back? It wasn't sinking!

I think George has just disciplined himself for no reason.

He chose poorly, Dave.

Well, it was very, very public spirited of him.

He was being very, very decent and sportsmanlike but,

unfortunately, he seems to have cheated himself out of a position.

This could be George's moment. This could be it.

Oh no!

All he's got to do though now is remember that path

and he's going to be home.

Oh, he's not remembered it already. And now here he comes again.

No, he's completely gone to pieces. Lydia, what's she going to do here?

-Is she going to find a solid board?

-She's done it!

Now, is she going to find freedom here or a nasty Viking?

-A Viking will send her back, remember.

-GRRRAAGGH!

All the way back to the start

and that has maybe opened the door for Nehaal.

Look how close she is! She's right up towards the other path.

Oh it's gone wrong for her. George can hear her but he's forgotten.

Lydia, we've seen how much trouble George has had remembering his path.

Can Lydia remember her path from earlier?

Can she remember under pressure? She's doing extremely well.

She's got two panels left to go, just the one left! A formality now!

She just needs to open the door! She's had it.

-Lydia's the winner!

-Lydia's done it and what a celebration.

It's a classic and it's tremendous to see.

Very, very well played all of you.

Lydia, go and get yourself another Year Sphere.

You did extremely well.

Did you know monasteries were full of books

and Vikings liked to steal them?

Yeah. Not because of their love of literature. Oh, no.

-Most Vikings couldn't read.

-No, but books were very rare in those days

and the covers were often decorated with bronze, silver and gold.

Gold! So Vikings really did judge a book by it's cover?

Well said.

Three for Lydia, two for George, none for Nehaal

but because of all the BC year totals

you could still win this with nought so don't worry.

It's time to count up those Year Spheres and, remember,

AD years are added to your total

and BC years are subtracted from it.

Best of luck.

Nehaal, now, at a glance, I am going to say that your score is nought.

George, let's open up your first Year Sphere.

1588 AD.

The Spanish Armada was destroyed. You've done well to start off with.

Let's have a look at that crucial second one.

Oh dear! 1.5 million BC.

Stone Age Man first used fire around then.

You have got a score of minus 1,498,412.

That puts you massively in the lead, Nehaal.

Lydia, what's going to happen here? Let's look at your first sphere.

110,000 BC!

Neanderthals first came to Britain around about then.

There's no coming back from this, Lydia, but let's have a look anyway.

Oh no!

It's 8,500 BC.

Britain's oldest house in Yorkshire dates back to then.

Rattus has passed out.

It's all going wrong. Let's look at that third sphere.

776 BC!

The first ever Ancient Olympics took place that year.

Well, that's extraordinary.

I can tell you, Lydia, that today your Gory Games score is

minus 119,276.

That means that today's winner with a grand total of no points at all

is Nehaal who'll be taking home our star prize

which may sound impressive, Nehaal, but is actually some old rubbish

fished out of the Time Sewer by my pongy pal.

Actually, do you know what? I did not fish this out of the sewers.

-Well, there's a first.

-A Victorian did.

-Oh, of course they did.

-Yes, poor Victorians would go toshing.

Wading through the sewers looking for coins dropped down drains

like this lovely poo-covered shilling!

It didn't, by any chance, occur to you to wash it?

-I did wash it.

-In what?

The sewer.

I give up.

Anyway, congratulations, Nehaal.

Well done, Nehaal. There you go. Sorry it's a bit sewery.

Well, it just remains to say thanks to our winner, Nehaal.

Thanks to our splendid runners up, George and Lydia

and no thanks whatsoever to Rattus.

-He loves me really.

-I don't.

You've been watching Gory Games. Goodbye.

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