Episode 2 HH: Gory Games

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# You'd better turn off This show ain't for you

# Still watching? Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible History's Gory Games

# Horrible History's Gory...Games. #

Hello and welcome to Gory Games with me,

Dave Lamb, and my ir-rat-ating assistant, Rattus Rattus.

-Ir-rat-ating? That's very funny, but it's not very nice.

-No, it's not,

-and neither is using my toothbrush as a back-scratcher.

-Yeah.

Ah, er, fair enough. Apologies.

Yes. This is the show where you get

to test your knowledge of Horrible Histories by playing games

that cover you not only in glory, but also in gunge.

So, let's meet today's foolhardy Horrible Historians.

-Hi, I'm George.

-I'm Hope.

-Hi, I'm Saqlain.

-Lovely to see you all.

-Dave!

-What?

-Dave!

-What?

-Dave!

-What?!

-Dave!

-Oh...!

Dave, Dave! Today's little warm-up game is designed to do just that -

warm you up.

You see, the trenches of World War I were seriously freezing in winter,

-so the soldiers were given something to help them keep warm.

-Right!

So this is a game about seeing how many extra layers of army uniform

-our contestants can get on in under a minute?

-Er...

Not quite, no. They have to strip off their clothes

and cover themselves from head to toe in lovely greasy whale fat.

Right, then, contestants - blubber at the ready.

-Three, two, one...

-No, no.

-..go.

-No way.

But it's what the World War I soldiers did, Dave.

-Surely we have to be true to history!

-Oh, do we now?!

-You know what else they used to do in the trenches, don't you?

-What?

-Eat rats! Dinner time!

-No!

-You wouldn't, would you?!

-Well, I might. Just behave yourself.

-Hmm.

OK! George, Hope, Saqlain,

you are playing to win Year Spheres.

Each Year Sphere contains a historical date.

At the end of the show, your Year Sphere dates will be added together

with AD dates being ADded to your total

and BC dates being suBtraCted from it.

So, if these were your Year Spheres, your total would be, Rattus?

735.

Yes, that's right! Say that again.

-Three.

-Yeah. I thought that was too good to be true. 735 is the answer.

At the end, the person with the highest year score

-will win a unique historical prize.

-That's right.

-Something I've chosen myself.

-Which sadly can only be bad news.

-Oi!

-Well!

Right, let's get cracking.

To find out who this round's about, it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Awful Egyptians.

Four questions on the Awful Egyptians coming up.

The person who gets the most right wins the first Year Sphere.

And your four Egyptian topics are...

George, it's your turn to pick first. What do you fancy?

Um, Pyramids, please.

Pyramids.

True or false?

Pyramids, our burial tombs, were built near the Nile

so, in the afterlife, we could have a nice view of the mighty river.

Let's see those answers now, please.

OK. Hope and Saqlain agreeing on true,

George is alone on false and looks like he's beginning to regret it.

Let's find out who's right.

It's false. They were built near the Nile

as the huge stones had to be carried from quarries by boat.

Nothing to worry about, George. You were right. You get the first point.

-Hope, it's your turn to pick a topic.

-Can I have pets, please?

Pets.

That's a question from my esteemed colleague, Mr Rattus Rattus.

True or false?

After they died, wealthy people had their pet cats mummified as well.

Everybody has gone for true. Interesting.

Rattus, are they are all right or all wrong?

They are all...

right! Ha-ha! Yes, it's true!

And I certainly am in favour of cats being mummified.

All cats, whether alive or dead. The sooner the better.

RATTUS CACKLES

What?! I'm a rodent! I don't like cats!

Yes, that is coming across.

Saqlain, your turn to pick a topic.

-Dates.

-Dates. That is a prop question.

We love a prop question, especially one we can eat after.

Not yet. There they are - dates. True or false?

Egyptians used trained goats to pick dates from tall trees.

Everybody has gone for false.

I can tell you that it IS false.

Well done. They used trained baboons, in fact.

Right, George, you're in the lead with three

but anyone could catch up by getting this right.

The final question in this round is on servants.

True or false?

Us Pharaohs did very little for ourselves

and even had a servant to wipe our bottoms.

RATTUS WHEEZES Bottom!

-It's... bottom!

-I do apologise, everyone.

Rattus finds the word bottom extremely amusing.

Enough now, Rattus. OK. Let's see those answers now, please.

Everybody has gone for true. What's the answer?

It's true. You didn't honestly expect me to do it myself, did you?

HE LAUGHS: Anyway, being a royal bum-wiper was a top job.

Well...more of a bottom one. HE LAUGHS

There's that B word again. It's set him off, I'm afraid.

At the end of that round, George, you have maximum points. Fantastic.

And that means that you have won the quiz.

It's time to pick a Year Sphere.

Push, push, push, push! Hey, George. Oh, there we go.

Come and pick a Year Sphere.

Go on, do you want a clue? I haven't got a clue.

You said it.

Oi! Cheeky.

-Are you sure that's the one you want?

-Yes.

-OK.

Push, push, push, push...

So winning the quiz means George is automatically through to play

the Egyptian Game, but will he be alone

or will everyone get to play? Let's find out.

It's an All Play silly game,

so it's off down the Time Sewer with the lot of you. Lead on, Saqlain.

-See you, George.

-It stinks!

Now, Egyptian Pharaoh King Pepi II

was just six years old when he came to the throne,

which might explain some of his more unusual ideas, such as this one.

Flies were a huge problem in ancient Egypt, but King Pepi had a solution.

Pour honey over slaves and stand them

in the corners of the room to attract the flies.

It's time to play...

You are a honey slave. Your challenge - to catch as many flies

on your honey suit and fly swat as possible. The person who catches

the most in the time limit wins the Year Sphere. Here come those flies.

In three, two, one...

HOOTER BLARES

So, here we go, then, with the Egyptian Honey Slaves

and they're trying to catch those flies on their fly swats

-and on their person, Rattus.

-They certainly are, Dave.

-Of course, their person being covered, smothered in honey.

-Yep.

Absolutely. And there's a lovely spread of flies, isn't there?

Very much being spread out there in a nice wide arc.

-Got our contestants running around a bit, which I like to see.

-Mmm!

Honey and flies, or as I call it, sweet and sour.

-RATTUS CACKLES

-Truly revolting.

Can you smell them on my breath? RATTUS BREATHES OUT LOUDLY

Phew! What a hoy that was!

George has managed to use

both sides of his swat, an excellent move early doors,

and Hope's done the same. No flies about their person as yet.

Maybe that honey not quite as sticky as they thought.

George and Hope in the lead together there.

Oh, and George has taken the lead on his own.

BONG! DEEP VOICE: '30 seconds remaining!'

There's 30 seconds left, so they want to get catching those flies.

George and Hope level pegging now. Maybe, Rattus,

you might want to think about brushing your teeth one day as well.

Just going back to that breath stink earlier.

Just have a think about it. Saqlain there has got one on his head.

Oh, they're coming thick and fast at the end of the game.

The flies, look at that. Fly, fly, fly, fly, fly.

No wonder King Pepi wanted to get rid of 'em.

They're everywhere! There are flies everywhere!

HOOTER BLARES 'Time's up.'

That's the end of the game and Hope has been the best at catching flies.

Stick her in the corner and cover her in honey.

Welcome back. Back behind your podiums, please.

Marvellous. And the winner, with 14,

was Hope. So congratulations, Hope. Help yourself to a Year Sphere.

-Um, this one.

-Oh! Is that one a good one

or is it a bad one? We will find out at the end of the show.

On to Round 2 and to find out what's up next, it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Vicious Vikings.

Four questions again, and here are your all-important Viking Topics.

Hope, your turn to pick first.

-What are you going to go for?

-I'll go for Toilets, please.

Toilets? And, not surprisingly, that is a question from Mr Rattus Rattus.

I don't know why you're assuming that. Ahem...

Which of these would Vikings use instead of toilet paper?

Let's see your answers now, please.

OK. The boys agreeing on A. Hope out on her own with B.

-What's the answer, Rattus?

-Well, I can tell you

it's actually A, moss, yes.

So next time you're about

to sit on some moss, do first check it for Viking poop.

-Ha-ha!

-Safety first. OK. Saqlain,

-it's your turn to choose a topic.

-Let's see...

-Deaths.

-Deaths.

Let's see if you know this one. My question is...

There they are, all in total agreement.

Are they all wrong or all right?

Let me put you out of your misery. The answer is...

I've had cow bones thrown at me too,

when I was spotted in my local butchers.

You were lucky to get away with just cow bones, to be honest.

George, it's your turn to pick a topic.

Explorers, please.

Explorers.

Answer me this if you can.

OK. Hope and Saqlain going for A,

George out on his own on C,

and looking very, very alarmed by that. Who's right?

The fact is it's...

Wow. There you go, George. That's right.

A Viking was the first European

to land in America, over a thousand years ago.

Did you learn about that in school, Dave,

or were you actually on the ship?

Oh, dear! Right, one question left in this round.

George, if you were to get it right, you would win another Year Sphere.

Your final question is on Word Plays, and here it is.

We Vikings love to use "kennings", or wordplay,

but what did we mean when we spoke of "the sweat of the sword"?

OK. The boys going for B,

Hope on her own with C.

What's the answer?

We also called blood "the sea of the wound".

Well, we needed quite a lot of words for blood. We spilled a lot of it.

A lot.

-LAUGHTER

-It's true though, isn't it, Rattus?

Very true. Those naughty Vikings.

They were very naughty.

So, at the end of that round, George, you've got a maximum score

for the second time. That means you've won the Year Sphere.

-Help yourself.

-Cool.

So, George, you have won the quiz and, because of that,

you're through to play the Viking Game,

but will it be just you or will the others get to play? Let's find out.

Ooh! It's a single player brainy game,

so, George, get your thinking cap on and get back down that Time Sewer.

Wooh!

Wooh! Funny way to say goodbye.

Vikings didn't just raid Britain. Many of them stayed.

Must have liked our lovely weather.

And some Viking words have since become part of the English language.

It's time to play...

Seven words, but two don't come from the Vikings.

Your challenge, to work out which five do.

Choose five words and move them to the Viking Board.

Then touch the Viking Axe - not the sharp bits, mind -

to find out how many you've got right.

Keep trying new combinations until you've got all five.

You must be quick, you're against the clock. And your time starts...

-now!

-HOOTER BLARES

So a slightly uncertain start there for George.

Welcome is the first he's gone for. He's looking for five Viking words -

two of them, of course, not Viking words.

-Ransack, well that sounds right, doesn't it, Rattus?

-Ha-ha!

Here he goes. What will his third choice be?

Nausea.

Interesting. Interesting choice.

Scream. That sounds as if it might be right to me as well.

-Aah!

-You're not going to act 'em all out, are you, Rattus?

Oh, idiot. Maybe you are! He touches the axe.

-'You have three right.'

-He's got three right!

Oh, two of those are wrong. And off comes nausea.

Scare looks better than nausea to me.

Scare looks a very Viking word, in my opinion.

He's not touched the axe! How will he know that's correct?

Never mind, he's taken off idiot

and he's put on hit. Let's see. Maybe he doesn't need another go.

-'You have all five right!'

-No, he doesn't!

-He's got all five!

-He's done it!

-He's got all five!

-Celebration!

-It's game over.

Well played. Well played indeed.

-Go and grab yourself a Year Sphere, why don't you?

-Ooh!

So, you're quite right. "Idiot" and "nausea" aren't Viking words.

They actually come from Greek.

Scare, hit, ransack, scream are words we get from the Vikings,

as, rather surprisingly, is welcome.

Obviously scream is a Viking word.

They needed a word for that thing that people did when they saw them.

That is true. Over to the Gory Grid then to find out what's up next.

It's the Gorgeous Georgians.

Four questions, as always, and here are your four Georgian topics.

Saqlain, it's your turn to pick first. What are you going to go for?

-Kings.

-Kings. That is a question from Mr Rattus Rattus.

At the end of the Georgian era,

which King reigned after George I, George II, George III and George IV?

Let's see those answers now, please.

There we go. Everybody has gone for B.

No-one has gone for King Rattus I, thankfully.

-What's the answer, Rattus?

-The answer is...

Bit of a trick question, I admit. But the last king of the Georgian era

wasn't a George! Oh, no! And just in case you're wondering, Dave,

King Rattus I is going to be the next King of Britain.

In your dreams. Right, George, your turn to pick a topic.

Um, Napoleonic wars, please.

Napoleonic wars.

When Britain was at war with France, a French warship

sank off the coast of Hartlepool and the only survivor was an animal

dressed in French military uniform. But what kind of animal was it?

OK. They've all completely agreed with each other again on C.

Let's find out if that's the answer.

The answer is C - a monkey.

The good people of Hartlepool, having never seen a Frenchman,

assumed the monkey was one and, after a brief trial,

had the monkey executed.

Oh. It's horrible, it's horrible! But it's true.

Yeah, grisly, grisly. So, Hope, it's your turn to pick a topic.

Er, Pets, please.

Pets it is.

Oh, this is exciting! The question is...

Up they come. The boys agreeing on A,

Hope out on her own with B. Let's find out.

I can tell you the answer is...

Well, who'd have thought that, eh? Hope would, cos she got it right.

-RATTUS CACKLES It's true, it's true.

-It is true.

Bad luck, though, George. That means you can't get your maximum,

but you are still in this round with one question left

and that question is on Puffers.

What was Captain Richards' Puffer?

A, a steam train,

B, a treatment for asthma,

or C, a Georgian factory chimney?

That is C for George and Hope, B for Saqlain. Let's find out who's right.

The answer is A. It was a steam train built by

Richard Trevithick in 1804. It was the first ever to run on rails.

I wonder if it was due in 1704.

You know, the first train arrived in 1804, so it was a bit late!

Oh! I don't get it.

Oh, suit yourself.

-Georgians!

-Yep, I know what you mean. Excellent.

Well, at the end of that round we see that Hope, with 3 points,

is the winner of the Year Sphere. Help yourself, Hope.

So Hope, you're through to play the Georgian Game, but will it be

just you or is everyone else coming along too? Let's find out.

Well, it's a single play silly game, so, Hope,

off down that Time Sewer with you.

-Laters!

-Laters.

-RATTUS LAUGHS

Picture the scene.

It's 21st October 1805, and the British Royal Navy

are about to face the might of the combined French and Spanish fleets.

It's time to play...

You are a British Navy gunner. Your mission -

to load, aim and fire your cannon at the enemy ships.

You score a point for every enemy ship you shoot,

and lose a point for every British ship you hit.

Score six points in the time limit to win your Year Sphere.

And battle begins...now.

-HOOTER BLARES

-So here comes Hope

to play the Battle of Trafalgar,

and straight away I'm noticing that that ship is moving about.

-It's a rough day at sea today, Rattus.

-It certainly is.

Oh, that was close! That pinged up off the sea.

I don't know how she did that. A bit like skimming stones, I suppose,

but it didn't trouble the ship.

Oh, she's done it again.

Again, incredibly close, but again, a little skim up.

She's wrestling with that cannon.

She's already got two balls away here...

..but she's not struck an enemy vessel as yet.

I have to say, Hope has been very unlucky here.

They're all in the right ballpark, but nothing striking a target.

Again, another good example of that.

She really is wrestling with that cannon nicely.

There's the first!

There's the first successful strike. A Spanish galleon

off to Davy Jones's Locker, down at the bottom of the old ocean.

-There's the seagull back again.

-BONG!

-'30 seconds remaining!'

-Afternoon, Squire. There's another one.

She's doing very, very well, but she is

running out of time and, if anything, she's speeding up.

This is an incredible performance.

Another ship goes down! She could just about

still do this, if she doesn't miss another ship.

Oh, and she's missed there. I think that one may cost her,

but she's struggling on manfully.

This is an extraordinary performance from Hope.

Oh, just two more needed now but she's running out of time.

She's wrestling with her cannon while the ship is being tossed

and turned on what is now a mountainous sea.

-HOOTER BLARES

-She strikes the last one

right on the hooter. And after an absolutely heroic effort,

I'm afraid it's not quite worked out for Hope.

Very bad luck. Well, what an amazing effort that was,

and you missed it by one, but it was a very good effort. Very bad luck.

After Admiral Lord Nelson's death at the Battle of Trafalgar,

a magnificent memorial was erected in his honour

and he can now be seen on top of Nelson's Column in Trafalgar Square.

In life, Nelson was fired upon by enemy snipers.

In death, Nelson is fired upon by enemy pigeons.

-Rats with wings.

-You meant that as a compliment, right?

Take a wild guess. Time for the final round.

Over to the Gory Grid one last time to find out what we've got.

It's the Measly Middle Ages.

No quirky quiz in our final round.

It's straight to our big All Play Middle Ages End Game

and it is a very messy one. Everybody...

get back down that Time Sewer one last time.

-See ya!

-See ya!

-Laters.

-Laters.

-Bye.

-Bye, George.

By George!

Green rolling fields.

The smell of freshly cut grass, lambs prancing in the springtime.

Not my relatives, actual lambs. That's what I try to imagine

while we're playing our next game, because it's absolutely disgusting.

Yes, we're going...

Gong, I'm afraid, was a Middle Ages word for poo,

and your job is to collect the gong from the cesspit,

carry it along your lane and slop it into your measuring cylinder.

Whoever collects the most collects the Year Sphere, but beware,

some Middle Ages types would poo directly onto the street below,

so mind your heads.

Ready, steady, get slopping!

HOOTER BLOWS

So here we go, then, with the gong farming and, believe you me,

it may look dry out there at the moment, but by the end of this game,

the place is going to be crawling with gong.

Here they go, then, with their first payload being taken out.

Look at that. George was down there like a flash.

Not a huge amount of gong delivered, but look - that is a lot of gong.

Oh. Hope has a full bucket there,

-brimming, brimming to the brimful with poop.

-Yeah.

That was a awful lot of poo

that Hope managed to get down that lane for the first effort.

She's filled up again magnificently there.

George is the quickest over the ground. There's no doubt about that.

And Saqlain is doing an admirable job

over there in the yellow lane, but Hope is doing remarkably well.

That's her second full bucket, Dave. Saqlain and George are only getting

-pitiful amounts of gong at this point.

-Yeah,

but they are making multiple trips.

It's a clash of styles.

Oh, and that's bad news for Saqlain.

Oh, that is very bad news, because that lane will now be slippery.

Watch this. He's going to struggle here.

Yep, there he goes.

No such problems for Hope. Another full bucket delivered there.

Problems for George, though.

-This is the trouble with gong - it gets absolutely everywhere.

-Oh!

Once it's on your lane,

it really is a mighty problem that you've got to overcome.

-Everyone falling everywhere there.

-RATTUS LAUGHS

I think actually George has become separated from his bucket there.

Meanwhile, Hope is just quietly going about her business,

she's not spilt a drop, although now the gong has fallen and so now,

everyone is in trouble. I wouldn't be surprised

if no one can stand up from here on in.

BONG! '30 seconds remaining!'

There we go.

That's the kind of thing.

She's down straight away, but she already may have done enough.

That's a deluge of dung. Now, how's George going to get up here

with a bucket full of gong and a slippery runway?

I don't think he's got much hope, to be honest.

Saqlain looks as if he's all but given up,

and I don't blame him. It really is treacherous, as Hope demonstrates.

And there we go. George is going for the commando crawl.

He's commando-crawling

-through at least two inches of gong.

-HOOTER BLOWS

-'Time's up!'

-There's the hooter!

It's all over! Hope is victorious because she collected a lot of poo,

while the boys have just been rolling around in it!

There's poo everywhere, Dave!

-It's like a strange and beautiful dream!

-Eugh!

Thankfully, they've cleaned themselves up a bit.

Go and stand behind your podiums. That looked

incredibly, incredibly messy. Hope, that was a clever technique.

You walked slowly, deliberately, so you didn't spill any.

I knew it from the start that, if I did it slowly but got more gunge,

I might have a better chance.

It was very clever. Whereas the boys were haring up and down,

spilling stuff, falling about the place. It was very interesting.

Hope, you were our winner, so help yourself to another Year Sphere.

-Mmm... No.

-Ooh, a last-minute change of heart.

Could that be crucial? We'll find out shortly.

Apparently, the gases from the gong could sometimes

-cause gong farmers to fall unconscious and drown in poo.

-Oh!

That's the way I want to go.

But you wanted to go while eating a mouldy pickled onion!

I do. That's what I'm doing when I fall in the poo.

Brilliant. Time to count up those Year Spheres and, remember,

AD years are added to your total and BC are subtracted from it.

So, Saqlain, that means

you are still very much in with a chance of winning this.

Let's count up the Year Spheres.

George, will you open your first Year Sphere for me, please?

30 BC. It's bad, but it's not disastrous.

It's also the year that Queen Cleopatra died.

1854 AD. The beginning of the Crimean War,

you're back in the game. Let's have a look at that third one.

1453 AD. The end of the Hundred Years War.

Which means you've ended up with a very positive score indeed, George.

That total is 3,277.

A good score, which means that, Saqlain,

I'm afraid, with no Year Spheres, you can no longer win.

Now, Hope. You still can. Let's have a look at your first sphere.

79 AD. Pompeii destroyed by Mount Vesuvius.

Oh, dear me!

10,500 BC. The end of the last Ice Age,

but that's cold comfort, I'm afraid, for you, Hope!

Let's have a look at your final sphere anyway.

Oh, dear me, it's 110,000 BC.

Neanderthals first came to Britain around about then.

You've ended up with a score of -120,421,

which means that today's winner, with 3,277 points,

is George, who'll be taking home our star prize.

But don't get too excited,

it was plucked out of the Time Sewer by my little colleague here.

I'll have you know, Mr Lamb,

today the award for our lucky winner is food fit for a king.

In fact, it's exactly what Charles II himself

liked to have on his eggs in the morning.

Oh, right! So, what, freshly caught smoked salmon, was it, maybe?

Shaved truffle, caviar?

Even better! Whale phlegm!

Of course, back in Stuart times, they called it ambergris,

basically the snot from a whale's blow hole.

Charming. We have hit a new all-time low.

So con-rat-ulations, George!

Well done, George. There you go. Sorry it's absolutely disgusting.

-Ooh, lovely!

-It just remains for me to say thanks to our winner, George,

and also thanks to our runners up, Hope and Saqlain.

-and no thanks whatsoever to Rattus.

-Oh, it's a pleasure as always.

-You've been watching Gory Games. Goodbye.

-Goodbye!

# Was that show messy enough for you?

# Or would you have preferred a little more poo?

# Have you had your fill of blood, guts and gore?

# Or have we left you still wanting more?

-# Well, keep watching

-We'll be back again

# With Horrible History's Gory Games

# Horrible History's Gory...Games. #

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