Episode 3 HH: Gory Games

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# Better turn off This show ain't for you

# Still watching? Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

# Horrible Histories Gory...

# Games! #

Hello, and welcome to Gory Games with me, Dave Lamb

and my assistant Rattus Rattus.

Who would like to apologise to the people at 32 Wolsey Avenue

who accidentally locked me in their larder last night.

Let's just say that some of the raisins on the larder floor

aren't raisins.

This is the show where you get to test your knowledge

of Horrible Histories with quirky quiz questions and gory games,

so let's meet out horrible historians.

How's it going? I'm Lloyd.

Hermione.

-And I'm Sam.

-Hey, Sam.

-Dave!

-What?

-Dave!

-What?

For our warm up today, I thought we could play a little Roman game

I like to call What Happens Next.

Now, if Roman priests wanted to know what happens next,

they turned to Haruspicy, an ancient religious practice

in which they predict the future by inspecting animal entrails.

So, three plates of chicken guts, all you three have to do....

No, no, no, no, no...

No-one is reading the future in chicken entrails, not on my show.

If no one's going to read them, can I eat them?

I predict they will taste disgusting.

Right - Lloyd, Hermione and Sam, you're playing to win year spheres.

Each year sphere contains a historical date

and at the end of the show, your dates will be added up

with AD dates being added to your total

and BC dates being subtracted from it.

So, for example, if these were your year spheres,

your total would be, Rattus? Any point asking you?

Well, actually, I found this book on basic mathematics.

Oh, right, so the answer is?

No idea. I haven't read it yet.

735.

And at the end of the show, the person with the highest year score

will win a fantastic historical prize,

something I picked out myself from the time sewer.

I shudder to think.

Right, let's get cracking.

And to find out who this round's about, it's over to the gory grid.

It's the gorgeous Georgians.

So your four Georgian topics are...

So, Lloyd, it's your turn to pick first in this round.

Crime.

Crime it is.

Thief taker General, Jonathan Wild, was in charge of stopping crime

in Georgian London, but what was odd about this?

A, he was the biggest criminal in London.

B, he was actually dead.

Or C, he was only two years old.

OK. Well, Hermione and Sam agreeing on A,

Lloyd going for B. Let's hear what the answer is.

The answer is A. He was the biggest criminal in London.

He would organise a robbery

and then charge people money to get their stolen goods back.

Right, you couldn't make it up.

Well, you could but it wouldn't be as interesting.

Ha-ha-ha!

-Hermione, your turn to pick a topic.

-Fashion.

Fashion.

Here we go. Good luck.

Lloyd's gone for A,

Hermione and Sam have agreed again on B.

Let's hear what the answer is.

I can tell you the answer is...

B, mouse skin.

Lloyd, you are a sick and twisted individual, I must say.

Rat skin, indeed.

So two points each for Hermione and Sam.

Still plenty of time to catch up, Lloyd. Nothing to worry about.

Sam, it's your turn to pick a topic.

I'm going to pick inventions.

Inventions.

Georgian John Joseph Merlin injured himself with his own invention,

but what was it?

A, a cannon ball.

B, a cardboard submarine.

Or C, roller skates.

The boys agreeing on C,

Hermione out on her own with B.

The answer is C, roller skates.

They had no brakes and he smashed into a mirror

showing them off at a posh party. Ha-ha-ha!

On the bright side, he would have won 250 quid from You've Been Framed.

Ha-ha-ha!

I'm just being silly. Right, one question left in this round.

Sam, if you were to get this one right,

you would win the first year sphere.

The question remaining is on sport

and that is a question from Rattus Rattus.

Oh, yes, it is. I can see the card, I can see the card.

Which popular American sport was first played in Georgian England?

Was it A, basketball,

B, baseball

or C, American football?

Hermione and Lloyd agreeing with B,

Sam going with A.

What's the answer Rattus?

B, baseball.

It was first played in Surrey in the 1700s.

Very, very interesting, Rattus.

Well, that is the end of the round and an excellent come back

from you, Lloyd, but unfortunately, you didn't quite get enough.

Hermione and Sam, you are going into the Buzzer Round.

You're history for now, Lloyd. Fingers on buzzers.

Beginning with the letter B,

which violent sport did former slave Bill Richmond become famous for?

Hermione?

Boxing.

It is boxing, Hermione. Well done, you've won the first year sphere.

Time to choose it from our trolley wally.

Push, push, push, push, push.

Oh, Hermione! You're already there. Ha-ha-ha!

Help yourself to a year sphere, any one you like.

Yes, let's hope you haven't picked one with a Stone Age date in it,

cos that could be worth a few million minus points.

Push, push, push, push, push.

So winning the quiz means that Hermione

is automatically through to play the Georgian game.

But will she be alone or will everyone get to play?

It's an all play silly game!

So that means get down that time sewer, the lot of you!

Go on, Sam, lead off.

Down you go, Hermione.

No messing.

And Lloyd. Woh, hoh, hoh.

Wigs were very much the fashion in Georgian times.

In fact, people were more likely to tease you

if you weren't wearing a wig.

But most of them were teaming with bugs.

It's time to play...

Loads of fleas and lice will be flinging themselves

from a giant Georgian wig.

You have to catch as many bugs in your wig as possible.

The player who catches the most, wins the year sphere.

Are you ready? Are you steady? Then let the flea frolics begin.

HORN HOOTS

There we go then, with the Georgian flea fling.

And look at that! Hermione has scored one already.

There is the main wig,

which I have to tell you

is not actual size.

The Georgians were not

a race of giants.

She got another one, but Lloyd's got one, too. This is good.

Fleas aren't attracted

to dirty hair, are they Rattus?

No, of course they're not.

They're attracted to clean,

freshly scrubbed hair.

And yet, you're riddled with them. Go figure.

Meanwhile, the game continues

and Lloyd is well in the lead here.

What an excellent burst he's put on,

although he's got one obscuring his face.

He may have scored his last point

because he surely can't see anything at the moment.

He's got eight but look at that!

Two right across his face!

It's a wonder he can see anything at all.

Dave, it really is

quite literally

raining fleas and lice here.

Which is vastly preferable

to cats and dogs,

in my humble opinion.

Look at that. They're all bumping into each other

and it's getting very, very close in there.

Sam has come with a good late run here,

just one point behind Lloyd now.

Just one point in it.

Hermione slightly behind, despite that excellent start.

It really is going to be close, this one.

Hermione creeping back into it now.

Oh, right back into it now.

Oh, this is very tight.

HORN HOOTS

And just on the hooter, she got that crucial final flea,

which means that Hermione and Lloyd have tied it.

I've got one in my face.

There's more than one in your face, fella.

Welcome back, everyone. Back behind your podiums.

Excellent. Well, that was extremely close.

Lloyd, how did you find it?

I thought it was going to be quite easy

but it's actually quite hard, they just come flying at you really fast.

-I'm pretty sure you couldn't see much towards the end.

-Not really.

Well, you all did extremely well. And Lloyd and Hermione...

you both get a year sphere. So, Lloyd, if you pick yours first.

Interesting choice.

And Hermione, you pick one as well.

Nobody knows what's in them, so it could be good, could be bad.

We shall find out later on.

It's on to Round Two,

and to find out what's up next, it's over to the gory grid.

It's the measly Middle Ages.

Here are your all important Middle Ages topics.

Hermione, it's your turn to pick first this time.

I'll have fashion.

Fashion. That...

is a prop question.

Oh! Prop question, prop question, prop question.

It is a long pointy shoe.

Long pointy shoes became very fashionable in the Middle Ages

but they got so long that people started to trip over them.

So, what did trendy men do about it?

Did they A, attach them

with chains to their knees,

B, wear them on their hands

or C, tie the ends in a knot?

OK. Hermione's going with C,

the boys going with A.

The answer is A.

They attached them with chains to their knees,

almost as ridiculous as wearing your trousers so low

that people can see your pants.

-Mm...but not quite.

-No, not quite.

Point each for the boys. Sam, your turn to choose a topic.

The Normans.

The Normans.

William the Conqueror wasn't the only Norman to have a nickname.

Which of these characters is not a genuine Norman?

A, Ralph the Timid.

B, Alan the Red.

Or C, Norman the Wisdom.

Oh, they've all gone for C.

Are they all right or are they all wrong?

The answer is C, Norman the Wisdom.

Yes, well done. You weren't fooled by that one at all, were you?

Lloyd, it's your turn to pick a topic.

I'll go for Henry II.

Henry II.

King Henry II was a very good king, but he had a terrible temper.

What did he once do when he was angry?

A, get on the floor and start eating the carpet.

B, punch the Bishop of London in the face.

Or C, declare war on all children.

Boys agreeing on B,

Hermione on her own with C.

The answer is A.

He went bright red

and started chewing the carpet, which was made of straw.

That's a very good source of fibre.

If you're a rat.

It is. No-one scored there.

So the scores are two points each to Lloyd and Sam,

one for Hermione, with one question left in this round on El Cid.

It's a question from Rattus Rattus.

Here you go, hm.

In 1099, the Spanish fought the Moors from North Africa.

The Moors were scared of the Spanish General, El Cid.

But why was this silly?

Was it A, cos he was just a baby,

B, because he was dead,

or C, he didn't believe in violence?

OK, Hermione and Sam going for C,

Lloyd going for A.

Well, I'm afraid the answer is B.

He was dead!

The Spanish strapped his dead body to his horse,

making the Moors think that El Cid was a zombie

come back from the dead.

So, no points scored there, which means at the end of that round,

we have another tie.

This time, it's Lloyd and Sam. Hermione, for now, you're history.

Fingers on buzzers, you two.

Beginning with the letter E,

what part of King Harold's body

was supposedly struck by an arrow at the Battle of Hastings?

Sam?

-Eye.

-Eye is correct.

Sam, you've just won yourself a year sphere. Come and collect it now.

So, Sam, as the quiz winner,

you are through to play the Middle Ages game.

But will it be just you or will the others play, too? Let's find out.

It's a single player silly game.

So, Sam, off down the time sewer with you.

Come with me if you will, and you must,

to France in the 1400's, to the Court of King Louis XI.

Louis had just been given a most remarkable musical instrument.

It's time to play the...

The instrument consisted of pigs

of different sizes and a keyboard.

Play a key and a little spike would prick a piggy

and make it squeal.

The larger the pig, the deeper the squeal.

Your challenge is to listen to and repeat a sequence of piggy squeals.

The sequence will get one squeal longer each time.

Correctly repeat nine squeals within the time limit to win a year sphere.

Get one note wrong, however, and you're history.

Let's get squealing.

HORN HOOTS

So here we go, then. Sam attempts to play the pig piano.

What's your technique here, Rattus?

How are you going to approach this?

I think the technique here is to listen very, very carefully

and duck if you get it wrong.

Yeah, that is a very wise piece of advice.

So, four to remember this time.

Here he goes.

Three, beautifully done.

Beautifully done, Sam. Well played, indeed.

I like the way he pretends to be pressing them

while he's hearing them for the first time. That's very nice.

Those candles can't be helping the pigs to remain comfortable,

I wouldn't have thought.

The way they're lighting up just below...

PRRT!

Look at that! The little one's just let one go.

The candles are actually there, Dave,

to absorb the gassiness from the chuff,

So if they were all chuffing at the same,

without the candles, the poor contestant would pass out.

Well, thank goodness, then, for those candles.

I take it all back about the candles.

And Sam has there completed a sequence of six. This is very good.

One, two, three...

PRRT!

Er, four, five, six, seven.

Can he remember?

Very confidently done!

If anything, he's getting better and better. Here comes the eight.

PRRT!

Big parp.

PRRT!

Another one.

Sam triumphs again, despite the best efforts

of the tiny pig on the end and his bottom of fear.

This is it. If he can remember this sequence of nine,

he has won himself a year sphere.

Yeah, three... He's going to get to nine!

PRRT!

Five... Here we go. It's so close!

Oh, hesitating. Oh!

PRRT!

-Watch it!

-Oh!

-Oh! That hit him right on the arm.

But he was so close to playing the pig piano all the way to the end.

But in the end, he got covered in poo.

Welcome back, Sam. What bad luck.

You did so well there.

I think it was almost the last squeak, wasn't it, that you missed.

Yeah, something like that.

Oh, you came agonisingly close, but no year sphere, I'm afraid.

Over to the gory grid to find out who's up next.

Oh, the putrid Pirates, it be.

And here are your four Piratey topics.

Sam, it's your turn to pick a topic first.

I'm going to pick punishments.

Punishments.

What did the pirate punishment of keel hauling involve?

A, being hung upside down from the mast.

B, being dragged across the bottom of the ship.

Or C, having to lift the heavy anchor on your own.

OK.

Lloyd's gone for C,

Hermione and Sam agreeing on B.

The answer is B.

Keel hauling meant a rope was tied to the victim's feet and hands,

and he was dragged under the water

across the rough barnacle covered bottom of the ship,

and up the other side.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Yeah, as punishments go,

being grounded suddenly doesn't sound quite so bad, does it?

Right. Lloyd, it's your turn to pick a topic.

-I'm going to go for Blackbeard.

-OK.

Tis I, Blackbeard the Pirate.

OK, Lloyd and Hermione with B,

Sam on his own with C.

The answer is...

C!

The skeleton is about to stab a bleeding heart.

Yeah, and the skeleton also had an hourglass in his other hand,

meaning your time is running out.

Err, spooky! Hermione, it's your turn to choose a topic.

Pirate jobs.

Pirate jobs.

Aboard a pirate ship, what was the bosun's job?

A, he was in charge of the sails.

B, he was a ship's cook.

Or C, he made wooden eyeballs.

OK. Everybody has gone for A.

The answer is A.

He was in charge of the sails,

which was kind of an important job on a sailing ship.

A point for everyone. That means, with one question left in this round,

Sam is in the lead, Hermione in second place, Lloyd in third place.

Sam, if you were to get this one right,

you'd win yourself a second year sphere.

So the last question in this round is about weapons

and it is a prop question.

Hoh! Prop question, prop question.

Don't worry, it's not loaded, everyone. It's not loaded.

What was the pirates' nickname for this gun?

Was it A, a cat-o-four-tails?

B, a four firer?

Or C, a duck's foot?

Lloyd and Hermione going for C,

Sam going for A.

The answer is...

C!

It's a duck's foot.

And that's because it looks like one.

It fired all four barrels at once,

so you were pretty likely to hit someone.

Only when it's loaded, though.

So that's a point for Lloyd and Hermione, which means

that Hermione and Sam have finished neck and neck again in this round.

Sorry, Lloyd. You're history again for a moment.

It's fingers on buzzers for Hermione and Sam. Your buzzer question...

Beginning with the letter C,

Pirate Captain Basil Hood once tried to steal

a herd of which animal?

-Sam?

-Cattle.

Cattle is the correct answer, Sam.

Help yourself to another year sphere.

Obviously, we don't know what's in any of these year spheres yet.

We'll find out right at the end of the show.

Sam, you are through to play the pirate game!

But will it be an all play or will it be a single play game?

It's an all play messy game!

So, off down the time sewer with the lot of you. Go on, Sam. Lead the way.

It's time to play...

This game is all about chests and keys.

To find the keys,

you have to follow the clues.

The first person to retrieve the treasure map

from inside their colour-coded chest will win the year sphere.

But be warned, it may not be as easy as it sounds.

In three, two, one!

HORN HOOTS

So here we go, then, with Pirate Treasure,

and I cannot emphasise enough

how important it is to read the instructions.

Without that, you will be hopelessly lost.

"If you want to find the loot, best look in some rotten fruit."

"Time to get yourself all mucky, swabbie's bucket is so yucky."

Those are the sort of things

that will tell you where your keys are.

And the thing I notice is that Hermione is looking

in the right coloured barrel.

She's in brown, the barrel has a brown stripe.

And Sam is also doing very well.

He's the first to find a key.

Gunge falling off that key from Hermione.

Well, it's a slow start

from Lloyd.

He's getting nowhere with that coat.

He's resorted to just shaking it about,

hoping that something's going to fall out of it.

But Hermione's in! She's through to the second chest.

Now, she has to read this one equally as carefully.

What's she got?

Ah! So she's off to the brown swabbie's bucket.

Sam just about to move on to his second clue.

And Lloyd is back in the game.

He's back in the game, he's found his first key.

Now, then. Let's have a look - what's Sam got there?

He's got an interesting clue there, which he's reading.

And which we're not seeing.

But Hermione, meantime, is into her swabbie's bucket.

Oh! That is absolutely revolting.

Ah! There, now. There's Sam's second clue.

So, he's after a bird that says pieces of eight.

Well, that is a parrot. Everyone knows that that is a parrot.

Now, Lloyd has his chest out

and he's after a green swabbie's bucket.

There goes Sam. Well, that's not a parrot, Sam!

That is a disappointing looking bag.

You're not going to find a parrot key in there. That's the wrong key.

Oh, dear! There's the parrot key, clear as day.

And Sam could be working away on that chest

for the best part of forever,

because he ain't going to get into it.

Meanwhile, Lloyd and Hermione really now in a two-way battle for this,

because Sam simply isn't going to realise

that his key's still round that parrots neck.

Hermione's struggling with her key and Lloyd is coming

with what can only be described as a late run here.

He's got his second one open, he's gone into the lead.

There's the third box. Now, where are the instructions?

He's looking all round him. There they are.

"If you want to find the loot, best look in some rotten fruit."

Well, that's fairly self-explanatory.

Self-explanatory and tasty.

He's got the green barrel, that's a good sign!

Is he going to find the key in the rotten fruit? He's found it!

This surely must be the end game for Lloyd here!

The others are still struggling around,

faffing around like amateur safebreakers,

like the amateur safebreakers that they actually are,

whereas Lloyd is about to win this game.

Got it!

It's over and Lloyd holds the treasure map aloft!

You're looking at one happy pirate. Wave it about, fella!

But mind the parrot.

Lloyd, go and grab yourself a year sphere.

Two spheres each, everybody. Well done.

Time for the final round.

Over to the gory grid one last time to find out who we've got.

It's the vile Victorians. Good day.

No quirky quiz in our final round.

It's straight to our big all play game.

Everyone, get down that time sewer.

Monstrous criminals would steal dead bodies and sell them to surgeons,

who'd experiment on them to find out more about how the human body works.

It's time to play...

You are a rotten robber.

Your challenge?

To steal three bodies from the graveyard,

get them through the railings, onto the carts,

find the key to the cemetery gate and get them onto the surgeon's table.

If you hear this noise...

WHISTLE

..then you must rush back to the cemetery and hide,

so the policeman doesn't spot you.

A second whistle means you can go again.

The first person to get all their bodies to the surgeon's table

and grab their dodgy money is the winner.

Three, two, one.

HORN HOOTS

So let's rob some graves!

And then donate the bodies to medical science, of course.

And Hermione is the first to show. Look at that!

Yanking that cadaver through those railings.

Sam also very quickly through with his corpse.

There's Lloyd, and his corpse has gone a bit floppy there,

but he's through nonetheless.

Dave, when I go, I want to be laid to rest

in a rusty baked bean can on a rubbish dump.

That can easily be arranged.

Very easily arranged, that is.

So Sam first through the gate.

Oh, copped a cobweb

right in the face, there.

That looked absolutely revolting.

Hermione through as well, thankfully unscathed, cobweb-wise.

Lloyd is also up and running.

He got his cemetery gate open, there.

Oh, and that corpse is alive! It's sitting up!

No, my... No, it's my mistake.

I'm being told it is not alive, it's just how it was left.

Well, that is a huge relief,

because I thought we had a reanimated corpse on our hands, there.

But I'm being told that it's not the case. Thank goodness for that!

Two corpses a piece now

for Hermione and Sam.

WHISTLE

And here comes the policeman! The policeman now has come

so they've got to get back behind those tombstones

and they've got to be quiet as mice.

Here he comes.

He's having a good look. He's on the beat.

That's what they call it, on the beat.

And he's not

the most observant policeman

in the world,

I can reveal.

What he's failed to spot is a corpse.

WHISTLE

But there's his second whistle

and that means you can go back to where you were in the game, people.

This is good! It's very, very close between Sam and Hermione.

You get the feeling that maybe, just maybe, Lloyd is not in this anymore.

But he's still valiantly wrestling with his corpse

through those railings.

There's a tremendously plucky effort from all three of them.

But this is where the real action is.

Sam's got his corpse by the hair!

Then by the neck!

Oh, these are ugly scenes

as Hermione

weaves in and out

of the highly topiary bushes,

delightful, of course, as they always have been.

But this is where it's all at! It looks like it's Hermione!

She's got the bag. What's she doing? She's stopped!

You've got to get down the other end! Oh, but Sam's realised

and he's through the railings and he's done it!

Sam has won it and Hermione has herself been robbed,

which is strangely appropriate in grave robbing.

Welcome back. Sam, help yourself to that year sphere.

Well played.

Very good.

That's all the year spheres awarded now.

Sam with three, Hermione with two, Lloyd with two.

Hermione, what happened there?

I forgot to go back into the graveyard.

Oh.

-Really annoying.

-Oh, very annoying.

-Sam?

-Just went for it.

-You went for it and you got it!

-Yeah.

You got that year sphere.

Right, it's time for that all important year sphere add up.

And remember - AD dates are added to your total

and BC dates are subtracted from it.

So Lloyd, let's start with your first year sphere.

1455 AD, start of the War Of The Roses.

Oh! 2.5 million BC!

Stone Age man started to use tools about then,

but that's no consolation whatsoever.

Hermione, let's have a look at your first sphere.

264 BC, the first Roman Gladiator games.

But it's not a disaster, let's have a look at the second one.

1086 AD. The Doomsday Book was completed that year.

That gives you a positive score of 822.

Sam, that's what you've got to beat.

Let's have a look at your first sphere.

1815 AD, the Battle of Waterloo.

Oh, no!

1.5 million BC. Stone Age man first used fire then - ish.

Let's have a look at the third one, anyway.

1042 AD, Edward the Confessor became King of England.

But it's too little too late.

Today's winner, with 822 points, is Hermione...

Yes!

..who goes home with our star prize!

Or, more likely, chucks it in the bin on her way out

because it's something that my furry friend

has fished out of the time sewers.

So what is it today, Rattus?

All the way from a Roman communal toilet,

it's your very own...

sponge-on-a-stick bottom wiper!

Oh, for heaven's sake, Rattus.

No, you can't give them that. It'll be covered in...

Don't worry, I made sure it was clean.

That makes it so much more palatable.

Just before I used it.

You dirty little rat!

Con-rat-ulations, Hermione!

Yes, well done, Hermione.

Congratulations. Don't... don't touch it too much. That's it.

Are you happy with that?

You strange individual.

It just remains for me to say thanks to our champion Hermione.

Thanks also to our gallant runners up, Lloyd and Sam,

and no thanks whatsoever to Rattus.

Don't mention it.

You've been watching Gory Games. Goodbye.

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