Episode 4 HH: Gory Games

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# You'd better turn off, this show ain't for you

# Still watching?

# Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible History's Gory Games

# Horrible History's Gory Games. #

Hello and welcome to Gory Games with me, Dave Lamb.

And me, Rattus Rattus, fresh from my annual bath.

Wow, well, perhaps I should take this rare opportunity

to give you a bit of a stroke seeing as you're clean.

Aah, he's lovely, he's lovely.

You don't know what I'm doing behind your back.

And you don't know what rats bathe in.

Urgh, ha-ha. Ah, ah.

Oh!

That is disgusting,

which I'm afraid is about all you can expect on this show,

which tests your knowledge of Horrible Histories

by playing the goriest games we could think of.

But before we can start, we need some Horrible Historians.

-Hi, I'm Hannah.

-Hi, I'm Noah.

-Hi, I'm Daisy.

-Welcome, one and all.

-Dave.

-What?

-Dave.

-What?

-Dave.

Let's get things underway with a little Georgian warm-up game

that I call Techno Trash.

Oh, why do I feel nervous?

Back in the Industrial Revolution,

textile workers didn't like losing their jobs

to the huge new weaving machines

brought in to replace them, no!

So they started smashing the machines up.

We couldn't find any genuine Georgian technology for you to smash up

in this game so we're having to use some modern technology instead,

specifically, Dave's mobile phone, MP3 player and watch.

-What?

-Grab your hammers and get smashing.

No, no, no, stop.

No, no, we are not doing this, not on my watch

and definitely not on my watch, OK?

Uh, hold on, these are all wet.

You'd locked them in your dressing room,

so I had to get in and out through the toilet.

Well, water and electrical goods do not mix, this MP3 player is ruined.

Frankly, Dave, with the music that was on it

I've done you a favour, mate.

Right, words, Rattus. You and I are going to have words.

Dave! Dave! Stop, think about it -

are you really going to hit a rat with a mallet on network television?

No, of course I'm not.

THEY LAUGH

Right, Hannah, Noah and Daisy, you are playing to win Year Spheres.

Each Year Sphere contains a historical date and,

at the end of the show, your Year Sphere dates will be added up

with AD dates being added to your total

and BC dates being subtracted from it.

So if these were your year spheres your total would be, Rattus?

-Can I use a calculator?

-If you must.

Can someone show me how to use it?

It's 735.

Oh, do you know, that brain of yours works well for its age, doesn't it?

All right, that's enough.

The person with the highest year score

at the end of the show will take home a unique historical prize.

-Ooh, that's right - one I picked out with my own fair paws.

-Enough said.

Right, let's get cracking

and to find out what this round's about it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Vile Victorians. Good day.

Four questions on the Victorians coming up.

The person who gets the most right wins a Year Sphere

and your four Victorian topics are...

Hannah, it's your turn to pick, what's it going to be?

-Sport.

-Sport.

In 1875 Matthew Webb became the first man to what?

Was it: A) To score a hat trick in the cup final

B) To run a mile under four minutes

or C) Swim the English Channel?

Let's see those answers now please.

Everyone is agreed on C, are they all wrong or are they all right?

The answer is C, he swam the English Channel.

In 1883 he attempted to swim the rapids above Niagara Falls.

Didn't go very well. He snuffed it.

So you're all off to a great start, that's a point apiece.

-Noah, your turn to pick a topic, what's it going to be?

-Gadgets.

-Gadgets, that is a prop question.

-Prop question, prop question, mm, mm.

And here is the prop.

OK, this is a genuine Victorian contraption but what was it for?

Is it: A) Stretching top hats

is it: B) Cleaning canon barrels

or is it: C) An automatic hair cutting device?

OK, the girls agreeing on B,

Noah out on his own with A.

The answer is A,

it's a device for stretching top hats.

Daisy, it is your turn to pick a topic.

-Queen Victoria.

-Queen Victoria.

Let's see how clever you really are.

What did Queen Victoria love?

A) Insects

B) Eating turtle soup

or C) Opera music.

Oh, it's complete agreement, everybody thinks it's C,

are they all right or are they all wrong?

Righty-ho, the answer is C, she loved opera music.

Well, they were, of course, all right

and she hated insects and turtle soup.

Excellent, so the scores, therefore, are Noah with three,

Hannah and Daisy with two.

There's one question left and it is on schools.

If you were caught talking in class at a Victorian school

you were punished with the log

but what did that punishment involve?

Was it: A) A heavy log being strapped to your shoulders

B) Being beaten with a log

or C) Having to roll a heavy log up a hill?

Split of opinion, Hannah and Noah going for B,

Daisy on her own with A.

The answer is A, a heavy log was strapped to your shoulders.

That stopped the talking all right.

Well, that means, at the end of that round,

we have ourselves a tiebreak situation.

Hannah, for now, don't buzz in, in this round

but Noah and Daisy, fingers on your buzzers

for the tiebreak question.

Here we go.

Beginning with the letter R, which sport began as football

but adopted new rules, an odd-shaped ball and a new name in 1871?

-Noah.

-Rugby.

-Rugby is the correct answer.

Well done, Noah, you've just won the quiz,

it's time to choose your Year Sphere from our Trolley Wally.

Push! Shove! Ugh!

Come on, Noah, come and choose your Year Sphere, lighten me load.

But be warned, one of those year spheres has a Stone Age date inside

that could be worth a few million minus points.

Back to your podium. Thanks very much.

Fwor, push, p...

Oh no, it's lighter. Whee!

Winning the quiz means that Noah is automatically through

to play the Victorian Game.

But will he be alone or will everyone get to play?

Let's find out.

It's a Single Player Brainy Game.

So, Noah, get your thinking cap on and get down that Time Sewer.

In a seated position, strange.

Everyone loves magic, right?

Well, I bet Victorian engineer Isambard Kingdom Brunel

went off it a bit when a trick he was doing went wrong

and he ended up with a large coin lodged in his windpipe.

He eventually managed to dislodge it using a clever device.

It's time to play Barmy Brunel.

Your challenge is to work out which cog goes where.

Once they're in the right place you can turn the wheel

and flip Brunel upside down to dislodge the coin

and win your Year Sphere.

But be quick, you're against the clock which is starting to tick now.

KLAXON

So here goes Noah then on Barmy Brunel.

That tiny little cog's not going anywhere is it, Rattus?

Tiny little cogs seldom do, Dave.

That's a better cog,

it's quite small but it certainly fits in there, which is good.

Dave, I have to say, this series of poorly fitting cogs,

surely this is what the inside of your brain looks like?

Who said that?

He seems to be approaching this very methodically, doesn't he, Rattus?

He certainly is, he's taking a great deal of care and consideration

over each of those heavy, heavy brass cogs.

He knows that the cogs need to be able to touch each other

and, for me, that's going to make this quite easy for him,

because once you've worked that out

it really does become just a case of trial and error

as you said earlier, and that's exactly what Noah is doing.

It's a terrific display this, it's very impressive.

Dave, my fear here is that one day the machines will turn against us.

Was that just a film I saw?

Either way I think you're right,

it would be horrific to have the machines turn against us

but this machine might be turning itself here.

One more to get in, he just needs to wiggle it. It's there.

There he goes, turning it, there goes Brunel

and I think that coin'll be nestling in the roof of his mouth now.

he's had to put his fingers in but he's claimed it, he's claimed it.

Noah has saved Brunel's life and he looks pleased with himself.

Congratulations, Noah, help yourself.

Ha-ha-ha! Straight in there.

Well done, Noah, very good work. Your second Year Sphere is in place.

Lovely. On to round two and to find out what's up next

it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Awful Egyptians.

Four questions as always then on the Awful Egyptians,

Noah, it is your turn to pick first.

-Fashion.

-Fashion.

Who wore the most make-up in Egypt?

A) Men

B) Women

or C) They both wore the same amount.

Let's see those answers.

Noah and Hannah have gone for A,

Daisy all on her own with C. What's the answer?

The answer is C, men and women both wore the same amount.

Do you like my eye shadow? It's macho, isn't it?

Not the word I'd use.

-Daisy, your turn to pick a topic.

-Er... Pyramids.

Pyramids, that is a question from Rattus Rattus.

According to archaeologists,

how many workers were needed to build the Great Pyramid of Giza?

Was it: A) 500

B) 70,000

or C) 2 million?

Oh, look at that,

everybody has gone for C.

Ooh, the answer is B) 70,000.

The Great Pyramid is made up of 2.3 million massive stones

but, apparently, it only took five years to build.

Five years indeed, Rattus. Hannah, it's your turn to pick a topic.

-Egyptian gods.

-Egyptian gods.

-Here's what I want to know.

Oh-ho-ho, complete agreement.

Let's see if you're right.

Well, I can tell you the answer is A) a falcon.

Yes, you're absolutely right.

The scores at the end of that question are two points to Daisy,

one point each to Noah and Hannah.

There's one question left in this round

so you're all still very much in it and your topic is pharaohs.

We pharaohs ruled Egypt for thousands of years

but what did the word pharaoh mean?

Was it: A) Great face

B) Great chariot

or C) Great house?

Hannah and Noah going for B,

Daisy out on her own again on A.

The answer is C, pharaoh means great house.

The pharaoh's mortal body was thought to be a house

for his divine soul.

So no points scored there which means,

at the end of that round, Daisy, you've won your first Year Sphere.

So, Daisy, you're obviously through to play the Egyptian Game

but will it be an All Play or a Single Play affair?

Let's find out.

It's an All Play Brainy Game which means that

all of you are heading off down the Time Sewer.

To make sure no-one forgot them after their deaths

pharaohs were buried in huge stone tombs.

It's time to play Pyramid Puzzle.

Your challenge, to build a pyramid.

Work out which block goes where

and finish it first to win the Year Sphere.

To help, we've already put a block in place.

The Egyptians took about five years to build their pyramids,

but if you're quicker, the programme on after us would be grateful.

Ready, steady, get building.

KLAXON

So here we go then with the Pyramid Game once again,

it's a lovely start from Hannah, that looks like a sizeable piece

and it should fit on the base there.

Certainly a confident start from her.

-Daisy too making a very confident start.

-Yeah.

-Good to see.

Noah seems to be having a rifle through all his pieces,

just having a look at exactly what he's got

which is methodical and very clever, I think.

Ever built yourself a pyramid, Rattus?

No but I built a small Eiffel Tower out of sugar cubes once.

That's about the same thing.

Noah has now had a look at every piece of his puzzle, I think.

Meanwhile, Hannah has completed the ground floor of hers already,

-what an excellent start that is, Rattus.

-Excellent start.

Once you have the ground floor in that's pretty much the start of it

and things'll move on swiftly from that I would imagine.

You'd have to hope so.

Ooh and Daisy nearly came a bit of a cropper there.

That big unwieldy piece almost overbalanced her completely.

Now, I don't want to worry you, Rattus,

but I've got a feeling that Noah is

building it on the flat,

several feet from where it's supposed to go

so that basically means he can't possibly win,

because to win the game you have to build the pyramid using all levels

including that base one.

Still, he doesn't know that so we can enjoy his efforts nonetheless.

Daisy meanwhile has completed her ground level

and is starting on the next floor.

Very impressive. But not as impressive as Hannah, look at this.

Very nice, very nice construction technique.

It's important to remember, Rattus,

that these pyramids aren't one-to-one scale, are they?

They're not one-to-one scale, no,

because that would mean that Egypt was the size of Birmingham.

Which it isn't.

Everyone in Birmingham's shouting "Don't be ridiculous."

There's plucky Noah carrying on,

pyramid in the wrong place of course.

Daisy looking quite good over there in the yellow,

-isn't she, Rattus?

-She's ploughing along there, Daisy.

She's doing more than ploughing along,

she's only got three pieces left,

she's going to win this I think. There goes one of them.

There goes another.

She's completed it all but the tip,

just the final piece going on now.

-It's pyramid time.

-Yay!

It's pyramid time as she dances next to the pyramid

that she has constructed, look.

Well done, everybody. Out you come, out of that Time Sewer.

Oh, it's a tricky one to get out of.

Daisy, help yourself to a year sphere. Well played.

Noah, we give you the first bit, that's your base.

-I didn't realise that that was the first bit.

-I'm sorry about that.

How was it for you, Daisy?

I kind of imagined the whole pyramid in my head and it sort of came to me.

It was very impressive, very well done.

The Great Pyramid of Giza was finished around 2560 BC roughly

and was the tallest man-made structure in the world until 1311,

when Lincoln Cathedral was finished.

Moving on. It's over to the Gory Grid to find out what's up next.

Aar, the Putrid Pirates it be.

Ah-ha-har, four questions again then

and here are your all-important piratey topics.

Daisy, it's your turn to lead off, what do you fancy?

Um, superstitions.

Superstitions.

True or false? Us pirates were very superstitious.

To bring good luck before a voyage, we'd throw a black cat overboard.

Let's see your answers now please.

The girls agreeing on false, Noah on his own with true.

What's the answer?

It's false, if you throw a black cat overboard

a storm will follow and the ship will be cursed.

But the rats on board will throw a huge party.

Yes, understandably. Hannah, your turn to pick a topic.

Prisoners.

Prisoners, that is a question from Rattus Rattus.

Pirate prisoners, held below decks,

could be offered food made out of grubs, beetles or cockroaches.

Is this true or false?

You've all gone for true.

Rattus, are they all right or all wrong?

Well, of course they're all right, it's true!

Hah, they were fed grubs, beetles and cockroaches.

Lucky them, that's what you serve in a rat five-star restaurant.

Ha-ha-ha! Delish.

OK, Noah, your turn to choose a topic, what'll it be?

-Tricks.

-Tricks.

True or false?

In 1720, pirate Anne Bonny and her crew

fooled a ship into coming up close so they could attack it

by all pretending to be dead.

Rattus is giving you an example of how that might have looked.

-Lovely reconstruction, Rattus.

-Thank you.

-Well done.

Let's see your answers now, please.

OK, well, Noah and Daisy have gone for true,

Hannah on her own with false.

It's true. Yeah, they covered themselves in fake blood

and waited for the sailors to climb aboard and then suddenly

they stood up and attacked 'em.

One question left in this round then.

A look at the scores shows me that Daisy's in the lead with three,

Noah and Hannah both on two, still all to play for.

The final question in this round is on Ned Lowe and here it is.

Be this true or be it false?

OK, the girls agreeing on true, Noah on his own with false.

What's the answer?

It's true.

True? That is sick and not in a good way.

No, I happen to agree with you for once,

so, at the end of that round, Daisy, with maximum points,

has won herself another Year Sphere.

So Daisy, as quiz winner, you're through to play the Pirate Game

but will it be just you or will the others play too?

It's All Play Messy Game,

so off down the Time Sewer with the lot of you.

It's time to play Pirate Treasure.

This game is all about chests and keys and where are the keys?

That would be telling, but there are some clues to help you find them.

The first person to retrieve the treasure map

from their colour coded chest will win the Year Sphere.

But be warned, it may not be as easy as it seems.

In three, two, one.

KLAXON

So here we go with Pirate Treasure.

That's good, they're all reading the first clue.

It's very important to read the clues because,

by reading the clues, you find out where the keys are hidden.

For example, why not try a pirate coat? The first green key's there.

Look in some rotten fruit,

the first brown key will be in some rotten fruit.

Hang on a second though, yes, look at that, he's goi...

-He's in the wrong bucket there.

-Oh, my God.

That's green, Noah, you're wearing brown.

Well, now, this is trouble

-because Noah will not be able to unlock his box.

-Lovely(!)

And Hannah will have a key missing when she comes to open one of hers

so that means that Daisy is surely in a good position here?

Noah, you can wrestle with that all you like, fella,

it's not going to go in there.

Hannah, well, she's doing well now but she's got trouble later on

because a key is missing for her.

Daisy, she may have a gunky hand but she's in good shape.

There we go, Hannah off for her second key,

that one she will find, that's OK, it's the rotten fruit one

she's going to struggle with and she's found it, well played indeed.

Which bird says, "Pieces of eight?" Daisy needs to find a parrot.

Ah, there we are, she's got her second key from the parrot's beak.

And there is the third chest, that's the third chest.

Unfortunately, Noah has got the key, but he's put it back,

she's just walked straight up to the barrel and taken it!

She's stolen a real march on Daisy

and if she can just get this open, Daisy's got the final chest out.

-All Hannah needs to do is unlock it.

-She's there!

-And there it is!

She holds the map aloft in her gunky fist

and she has found the treasure.

Well played, everybody. Hannah, go and get yourself a Year Sphere.

Well done. Your first one, marvellous. Relief or joy?

-Joy.

-Joy, excellent, good stuff.

Noah, you actually had Hannah's key for quite a long time, didn't you?

-Yeah...

-I tell you what, it was very good of you to put it back though.

You should be thanking Noah, he did you a favour there.

OK, time for the final round.

Over to the Gory Grid one last time to find out what we've got.

It's the Terrible Tudors.

Well, no quirky quiz in our final round,

it's straight to our big All Play Tudor End Game

so everyone, get back down that Time Sewer.

Now, you probably wouldn't describe King Henry VIII as skinny.

Quite right, I prefer the term slim and athletic myself.

Yes, well, that's your business. The truth be told, he liked the odd pie.

-Divorced, beheaded and pied.

-HE CHUCKLES

Hah!

Right then, it's time to play Who Ate All The Pies?

Your job is to collect pies and fling them into the King's mouth,

a simple sounding task made a little trickier by the fact that

we've attached you all to bungee ropes.

The person who gets the most pies in their Henry's mouth

in the time limit wins the Year Sphere.

Three, two, one, it's pie time.

KLAXON

Who ate all the pies? They approach the Henries...

Oh, Noah scores with his first pie

and, oh dear, Daisy was over before she'd released the pie.

-Ah.

-And that's his second one in a row, eh.

-Beautiful.

-Two in a row.

Yes, he's doing extremely well, unlike the girls unfortunately,

he has mastered this already,

I think Noah is looking very, very good for this title.

Daisy seems to be spending most of her time on the floor.

There she goes again.

The pie man working very hard again, nice to see,

he really is a professional pie man, this man.

Lovely clothes, terrific pies of course.

Noah's got four now, extraordinary performance.

There he goes again!

Noah just keeps on filling his Henry's face.

Look at the determination.

Ooh, he's shouted something there at Henry,

a bit of verbals from Noah!

# He's big, he's round

# He gets to wear a crown He's Henry, Henry... #

Ahem! Sorry. And here comes Noah, he's charging back,

he can't get back to that pie man quick enough

and looking at the scoreboard there, it seems that Hannah has actually

scored her first pie. When did that happen?

Hopefully not while Rattus and I were chanting at Henry there,

er, if that is the case I do apologise for that

and apologies to Hannah there,

but she has got off the mark, so that's good news.

30 seconds remaining.

That one went slightly wide there.

Daisy hasn't actually scored yet,

her Henry is going to be absolutely starving by the end of this.

It's all looking a little bit desperate from Hannah as well

on the end there. But it's all looking superb for Noah,

look at that, Frisbee action, straight through, eight points.

She was unlucky there but look at Hannah, she's tired,

she's tiring and that underarm technique

with a slight round arm style,

it's not really going to get anywhere.

-Time's up.

-And it's all over.

The contestants sink to the floor

in absolute exhaustion

and I can tell you that Noah has won it by a country mile.

# Horrible Histories' Gory Games. #

Welcome back, very well done.

-You're out. Third place with, sadly, no pies was Daisy.

-Yeah.

-How did you find it, Daisy?

-Tiring and exhausting.

Tiring and exhausting. In second place with one pie was Hannah.

-How did you find it, Hannah?

-Hard.

Yes, and you seem a little out of breath still.

First with eight pies is Noah.

Help yourself to a Year Sphere, Noah.

Lovely.

Ooh, which one's giving off the best vibes?

Lovely. There we go.

So, time to count up those Year Spheres then and remember

AD years are added and BC years are subtracted from your final total.

Hannah, what's in that Year Sphere of yours?

1588 AD, the Spanish Armada destroyed, that's excellent.

Noah, that's what you've to beat, let's look at your first sphere.

1851 AD, the Great Exhibition was held in London that year.

1305 AD, the execution of William Wallace.

You're in the lead now,

the third one is crucial, let's have a look at it.

Oh, it's 150,000 BC,

Neanderthals started making art round about then,

but that's no consolation at all, is it?

You've ended up with a massively low score of minus 146,844.

Oh, that's history though, it's sometimes horrible.

Daisy, let's look at your Sphere.

405 BC, it's bad but it's not disastrous,

it's also the year that the Spartans beat the Athenians

in the Peloponnesian War.

Let's look at your second Sphere.

1805 AD, the Battle of Trafalgar.

It all hinges on this sphere, let's have a look at it.

It's 79 AD, the Coliseum opened in Rome.

It's 1,479

that makes it incredibly close but not quite close enough.

So today's winner with 1,588 points is Hannah

who goes home with our star prize and if this is our star prize

I dread to think what our normal prizes would be like,

cos it's something that Rattus fished out of the Time Sewers,

probably some Victorian toilet paper or something.

-No, it is NOT toilet paper.

-Oh, thank heavens for that.

-Because Vikings didn't have toilet paper.

-Oh.

No, it's some moss used by Vikings for toilet paper.

Are you telling me that this

has actually been used to wipe a Viking's bottom?

-Give it a sniff.

-Oh, that's a yes, I'm afraid to say.

-Con-rat-ulations, Hannah.

-There you go, Hannah, well done.

You might want to handle it with gloves and not to smell it.

Well, it just remains for me to say thanks to our winner, Hannah,

thanks to our gallant runners-up, Noah and Daisy

and no thanks whatsoever to Rattus.

Yeah, don't mention it.

I won't. You've been watching Gory Games. Goodbye.

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