Episode 5 HH: Gory Games

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# You'd better turn off This show ain't for you

# Still watching?

# Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

# Horrible Histories Gory...Games. #

Hello and welcome to Gory Games, with me, Dave Lamb.

And me, Rattus Rattus.

This is the show where you get to test your knowledge

of Horrible Histories with some of the messiest games known to man.

But not to rat, oh no.

In fact, the messiest game I know is my local log flume ride.

Yeah, well, log flume rides are usually wet

but not usually that messy.

Not our rat log flume ride, which is from the toilet

at the top of a tower block.

You stand on the seat, jump up to pull the flush,

then leap down the bowl...

all...

all the way down to the main sewer.

Splash down!

Now, THAT'S messy, I can tell you.

Let's meet today's Horrible Historians.

Hey, I'm Sonnyboy.

Hello, my name's Carrera.

Hi, I'm Aaron.

Lovely, they're all here. Welcome, all of you.

-Dave.

-Yes?

-Dave.

-What?

-Dave.

-What?

-Dave.

-WHAT?

-I thought we could play a classic playground game.

-Oh.

-With a Middle Ages twist.

-Oh.

-I'm sure everybody's heard of hopscotch, well,

we're going to play it as though it were in a genuine Middle Ages street.

All our contestants have to do is avoid the animal guts,

horse droppings and human droppings! In a game I'm calling Plopscotch.

And just to make it really tricky, let's make it night-time.

Oh, great(!)

Right then, get hopping in three, two...

NO, no, no way. Don't worry, you won't have to do that.

Big Tony, can we get all this cleaned up, please?

I can't see where I'm going.

Fine, excellent, I'll just clean it up myself, will I, if I have to?

Ooh, mind the...

SQUELCHING NOISE Too late.

Ah, brilliant, that is just fantastic(!)

I'm going to need a clean shirt, a clean pair of trousers and,

probably, a clean pair of shoes if you've got 'em.

Right, Sonnyboy, Carrera, Aaron, you are playing to win Year Spheres.

Each Year Sphere contains a historical date

and at the end of the show your Year Sphere dates will be added up

with AD dates being added to your total

and BC dates being subtracted from it.

So, if these were your Year Spheres your total would be, Rattus?

Er, 734.

That's actually really close, do you want to try again?

30?

OK, I give up.

It's 735, and at the end of the show, the person

with the highest year score will win

a unique historical prize.

That's right, something I've picked out myself

and to say it's amazing would be an understatement.

To say it's amazing would be a lie, wouldn't it?

Oi.

Right, let's get cracking

and to find out who this round's about it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Terrible Tudors.

Four questions on the Terrible Tudors,

the person who gets the most right wins the first Year Sphere,

and your four Tudor topics are...

Sonnyboy, it's your turn to pick first in this round,

-what do you fancy?

-Um, Witches.

Witches.

Hope you're feeling brainy. Here's my question.

Let's see those answers now, please.

OK, the boys agreeing on A, Carrera thinks B. Let's find out.

Hope you got it right. The answer is...

It's horrible but it's true.

So, no points, actually, in that first question.

Carrera, it's your turn to choose a topic, what do you fancy?

Mean Queens?

Mean Queens.

My daughter, Queen Mary, was a Catholic

and married the King of Spain.

He didn't like her much and went home to Spain,

but what did she send him to try and encourage him to come back?

There we go, well, Aaron's gone for A,

Carrera's gone for A, Sonnyboy on his own with C.

Let's see what the answer is.

The answer is C,

to encourage him to come back she sent him pies.

Well, would have worked with me.

Probably would have worked on me, to be honest.

Er, getting a bit peckish, actually.

So, Sonnyboy, well done.

You're in the lead with one point

and, Aaron, it's your turn to pick a topic.

I'll pick Superstitions.

Superstitions.

What did we Tudors do to predict our future luck?

A - Jump over a moss-covered rock,

B - Jump over a lit candle,

or C - Jump over a sleeping cat?

OK, everybody going for B.

Are they all right or all wrong?

The answer's B, jump over a lit candle.

If the candle went out it was bad luck,

little bit like marrying me, uh?

Laugh or I will chop your head off.

And it's this activity that's being described in the nursery rhyme,

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack jump over the candlestick.

Ah, the rat knows all.

Except how to add up.

Do you know, if I had a pound coin for every time you took the mickey

out of my adding up skills, I'd have...

No idea how many coins you had.

OK, one question left in this round.

Sonnyboy in the lead with two, the others on one

but everyone can still win this round.

The final question is on Laws and it is a prop question.

Prop question, prop question.

That is a prop and it's a woolly hat.

Queen Elizabeth passed a law about woolly hats but what was it?

Was it A, that all woolly hats were banned,

B, everyone had to wear a woolly hat on Sundays,

or was it C, that all bald men had to wear woolly hats?

Interesting, Carrera and Aaron agreeing on B,

Sonnyboy on his own with C.

The answer is in fact B, everyone had to wear a woolly hat on Sundays.

It was to boost sales in the English wool trade.

And to make everyone look more than a bit stupid.

That was, sadly, a by-product of it.

OK, well, that's the end of the round and, look at that,

we have a complete tie, everyone has two points.

So we are going to a tie-breaker buzzer question.

Fingers on those buzzers, please.

Beginning with the letter E,

what's the name of King Henry VIII's daughter who reigned for 44 years?

Carrera.

Elizabeth?

Elizabeth is absolutely right! Well done, Carrera.

You have won the first Year Sphere.

Yay!

Yay. Time to choose your Year Sphere from our trolley-wally.

Ooh, push, push, push, push, push, push, push, push, push.

There you go. Come on, Carrera, any one you like.

But be warned, one of those spheres may contain a stone age date

which could be worth a few million minus points.

-That one, are you sure?

-Yeah.

OK. Push, push, push, push, bye.

Winning the quiz means that Carrera is automatically through to play

the Tudors game but will she be alone or will everyone get to play?

Let's find out.

It's an All Play Brainy Game!

So, that means it's off down the Time Sewer with the lot of you.

Lead 'em off.

Queen Elizabeth's portrait artists knew that to keep their heads

they had to keep the Queen happy, which meant making her look

far more glamorous in her portraits than she really was.

In fact, they had to copy portraits of her from her younger days.

It's time to play...

Your challenge is to assemble two perfect copies

of an Elizabeth portrait. The only problem, is your two puzzles

are made out of differently shaped pieces.

Complete your puzzles quicker than the others

to win the Year Sphere.

In three, two, one.

HORN SOUNDS

So, here we go then with Puzzling Portraits

and let's hope that, at the end of this,

we don't find one of the pieces is missing,

like at Christmas. That'd be awful wouldn't it, Rattus?

If there is a piece missing,

I can pretty much guarantee it'll be in a mug on the mantelpiece

along with a paperclip and two pieces of half-chewed chewing gum.

Yes, remind me never to spend Christmas at your house, Rattus.

There's Carrera doing, well,

sort of trying to saw it together there a little bit.

Not much joy yet.

Oh, Aaron having a look at the main portrait there,

well, that seems to me to be a very, very good plan indeed.

I'm surprised, Dave, that they don't glance around more often,

to see what the finished puzzle should look like.

And Sonnyboy, look how well he's doing already.

He's doing two at once, Dave.

This is an excellent piece of tactic, I think,

this is the strategy you need.

He's doing this like a machine,

I've never seen it done this fast, it's extraordinary.

Look at him, he's nearly finished over there.

And they say men can't multi-task, that's utter rubbish, isn't it?

And it's being proved to be utter, utter rubbish today.

He's got one piece left.

Oh, he's done it!

That is extraordinary.

He may well bounce up and down because he has just done two puzzles

extremely quickly, let's just leave it at that.

Welcome back, everybody.

Sonnyboy, pick up your first Year Sphere, well played.

That was excellent puzzle work, it was really impressive.

Very good, you did both at once,

-you thought that'd be the best tactic, did you?

-Yeah.

-Aaron, did you find that difficult, easy?

-Pretty difficult.

Were you just concentrating on one?

Concentrated on one because I forgot about the other one.

Oh, did you? Easily done. Now, how did you find that, Carrera?

It were hard because you had to work out if pieces fit, like,

-and it were really complicated.

-Yeah.

You know, that portrait shows just one of the 3,000 dresses

Elizabeth I is believed to have owned.

But I'm willing to bet she still used to say,

"I can't possibly go out tonight, I've got nothing to wear."

Hang about, isn't that a bit rude to women, Dave?

You're so right. Sorry.

Moving swiftly on, on to round two, in fact,

and to find out who's up next, it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Gorgeous Georgians.

Four questions again, here are your all-important Georgian topics.

So, Carrera, it's your turn to pick first in this round.

Police?

Police.

1749 saw the first organised police force in London

but what were they known as?

A - The Bow Street Bobbies,

B - The Bow Street Runners,

or C - The Bow Street Terries?

Let's see those answers now, please.

OK, the boys agreeing on B, Carrera on her own with A.

-What's the answer?

-The answer is B, the Bow Street Runners.

So, the boys there both scoring their first points of the round.

Aaron, your turn to pick a topic.

I'll pick Gloves.

Gloves it is.

Oh, this is exciting.

The question is...

OK, Sonnyboy and Carrera agreeing on B,

Aaron on his own with A.

What's the answer?

I can tell you the answer is...

C, they were given 192 pairs of gloves a year.

Yes, that's right!

No-one got that one right, I'm afraid.

So the scores remain Sonnyboy, one, Aaron, one and Carrera yet to score.

Two questions left in this round, though, so no need to panic.

-Sonnyboy, it's your turn to pick a topic.

-Fans.

Fans, that is a prop question.

And here is the fan, as you can see.

Georgian ladies used fan fluttering as a sort of messaging system,

but what did this gesture mean?

Ooohhhhh!

Yes, all right, Rattus.

Was it, A, "I am tired",

B, "I am sorry",

or was it C, "I need the toilet"?

OK, Carrera and Aaron agreeing on C,

Sonnyboy with B.

The answer is...

..I am so sorry, it's B.

And so you should be.

Well done, Sonnyboy, excellent stuff.

OK, one more question left in this round,

Sonnyboy, if you were to get it right you'd have won yourself

another Year Sphere.

The one remaining question in this round is on Nelson and here it is.

How was Lord Nelson's body brought home

after his death at the Battle of Trafalgar in 1805?

A - In an ornamental coffin,

B - In a casket of tea,

or C - In a barrel of brandy?

OK, Sonnyboy with A,

Carrera and Aaron agreeing again on B.

The answer is C, in a barrel of brandy

so his body wouldn't rot too quickly.

So, nobody got that one right.

OK, that's it, that's the end of that round and it means, Sonnyboy,

you have won another Year Sphere,

collect it, please.

So, Sonnyboy, as quiz winner

you're also through to play the Georgian game,

but will you be playing alone or will everyone get to play?

Let's find out.

It's an All Play Silly Game!

So, off down the Time Sewer with the lot of you.

Oh, head first!

Feet first.

Head first.

In Georgian times, anyone who was anyone wore a wig

and your wig was home to more bugs than the average rat.

-I'll take that as a compliment.

-Do what you like.

It's time to play...

Loads of fleas and lice

will be flinging themselves from a giant Georgian wig.

You have to catch as many bugs in your wig as possible.

The player who catches the most wins the Year Sphere.

Let the Flea Fling begin!

HORN BLOWS

So, here we go then with a Flea Fling and there's a lot of fleas out

but none so far on the wigs.

Oh, it's so wrong, it's right.

I have to agree with you there, Rattus, but still no one's scored.

There's the first flea!

Landed by Aaron who, literally, nearly threw himself off his feet.

Look at that! He's actually over.

-Oh!

-He's over!

He threw his head at that.

If he could've taken his head off and thrown it, he would have done.

I think he would, Dave.

Sonnyboy's got one hanging on the edge of his wig there.

Aaron's got two there, look, two fleas.

Oh, flea on the knee.

I think you have to catch them on your wig

so that flea is not scoring.

That's another one for Sonnyboy,

holding on to his wig there to support it.

Carrera's doing the same.

'30 seconds remaining.'

Look at Aaron, he's just free-styling,

he is throwing himself into this game with extraordinary vigour.

And his peripheral vision is being obscured there by a flea.

It really is extraordinary how many fleas are in this wig,

I mean, I know it's not life-size, the wig, neither are the fleas.

-HORN SOUNDS

-I think it's all over

and, for me, Aaron has won that but only just.

Welcome back, everyone, back behind those podiums.

Help yourself to a Year Sphere.

You know, I find my lice are so hard to count,

by the time you've counted them their eggs have all hatched

and you've got to start all over again!

And it's really hard to count the ones on your bottom.

Oh, dear.

On with the show and to find out who's up next

it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Vile Victorians. Good day.

Here are your four Victorian topics.

Aaron, it's your turn to lead off this time, what's it going to be?

London.

London, that is a question from my colleague, Rattus Rattus.

Ooh, colleague, thank you. Bit lower please. Thank you.

True or false?

In the summer of 1858, the River Thames turned pink.

Hm, interesting.

Let's see those answers now, please. So you've all agreed on false.

Are they all right or all wrong, Rattus?

You're all right!

It's false.

The River Thames turned brown

cos all of London's sewage used to go straight into the Thames,

so it stank of poo!

For some reason, people didn't like it, don't understand that myself.

OK, Sonnyboy, your turn to pick a topic.

Gadgets.

Gadgets, that is a prop question.

And there is the prop. True or false?

This is a genuine Victorian contraption

for gentlemen to keep their moustache clean whilst eating.

OK, unanimous agreement again on true and I can tell you

that it is true, absolutely true. Well done, everyone.

I love food getting stuck on my facial hair.

Leave it to rot there for a few more days and it's even tastier.

Yes. Carrera, it's your turn to pick a topic.

Factories.

Factories.

True or false? In Victorian factories, no singing was allowed.

OK, well, we are in total agreement once again,

everybody going for true.

Are they all right or all wrong?

It's true.

No singing was allowed, far too much fun,

not that you could hear it above the din of the machines anyway,

they were very loud. Can anyone else hear that ringing?

No, no, just you.

So, it's three points each,

it's a maximum score for the round so far, that is extraordinary.

We have one question left, that question is on Doors.

True or false?

Some poor Victorians stole front doors from houses

so they could sleep on them.

And they are totally agreeing again with false,

this is extraordinary, they've agreed on everything in this round.

Are they all right this time?

It's true.

Poor people living in slums slept on the doors

rather than the cold, damp ground.

I slept on one last night, it's dead uncomfortable.

Probably should have taken that door knob off first.

Maybe filled in the letterbox as well.

OK, well, that means that we have a three-way tie again

at the end of that round and that means we have a buzzer question.

Fingers on buzzers.

Beginning with the letter A,

what was the name of Queen Victoria's husband?

Prince...

-Sonnyboy.

-Is it Arthur?

Oh, you're very close, unlucky, unlucky, Sonnyboy, it isn't Arthur.

-Carrera.

-Albert?

Albert is absolutely right. Well done, Carrera,

you've won yourself another Year Sphere.

OK, Carrera, you're through to play the Victorian game

but will it be All Play or will it be Single Play?

Let's find out.

It's a Single Player Brainy Game!

So, get yourself down that Time Sewer.

Isambard Kingdom Brunel was a brilliant engineer,

a visionary designer and a lousy children's entertainer.

Whilst showing off magic tricks to his kids one day,

he accidentally got a large coin lodged in his throat

and he eventually managed to dislodge it using a clever device.

It's time to play...

Your challenge is to work out which cog goes where.

Once they're all in the right place you can turn the wheel

and flip Brunel to dislodge the coin,

and win yourself a Year Sphere.

But be quick, you're against the clock, which is starting to tick.

HORN SOUNDS

So, here goes Carrera attempting Barmy Brunel.

That's not going to work. I can't believe she's left it there

but, clearly, that is not in contact with the driving cog

and neither's that one.

All cogs standing completely isolated from each other,

Rattus, that's not going to get Barmy Brunel tipped up is it?

Dave, I have to say,

if Carrera does manage to do this, can I keep the coin?

I'll put it up for auction on the rat auction site - Fleabay!

Ha, ha, Fleabay!

RATTUS LAUGHS

Yeah, right.

Here goes a piece that's finally fitting, that's lovely,

she's got one that actually tessellates

with one of the other shapes which is very, very nice.

This isn't going to work, in my book.

Dave, could you please give us a definition of the word tessellate?

Shapes that fit together nicely, Rattus, would do for you I think.

That doesn't work. Don't think that works.

I think you're absolutely right, Carrera, well done for replacing it.

Now, this looks interesting.

Is that going to fit in with the driving cog?

Yes, it is.

Yes, it's there.

She's learning, you've got to admire that,

she is learning as she goes on.

That bit is still floating independently from the other...

That's nice! That's nice, that bit of the mechanism...

Oh! But she's taken it off, she's taken it off!

Oh, dear, oh, dear! I'm not sure that's going to work quite as well.

'30 seconds remaining.'

We've got 30 seconds left and she's taken off bits

that were in the right place. Let's hope she doesn't take that first...

She's taken another one!

She's having a bit of a panic.

Oh, that's the other one that was fitting,

she's taken off all the bits that were in the right place.

Oh, she's going to be kicking herself when she sees this back.

Poor old Barmy Brunel lying there with a coin lodged in his throat,

he might want the Heimlich manoeuvre

because he's not going to get the coin out this way,

I can tell you that for nothing.

She's desperately just trying everything

and she's run out of time.

Bad luck, Carrera, it wasn't to be this time.

She's out! That was extraordinary.

Well done, you were keen to get back.

Bad luck, Carrera, bad luck.

What happened there?

You had to make sure that one of them fit into the big one

and it was really hard and it didn't turn round properly.

At one point you had two of them in exactly the right position

but you just didn't quite finish it off.

So, no year sphere I'm afraid.

Time for the final round, over to the Gory Grid

one last time to find out what we've got.

It's the Rotten Romans.

There's no quirky quiz in this final round,

it's straight to our big All Play Roman End Game.

So, everyone, get down that time sewer.

Woo!

Whee!

Roman Emperor Vitellius was famous for eating like an absolute pig.

In fact, he liked four feasts a day.

He even invented his own dish,

a pie made out of the brains of pheasants

and the tongues of flamingos.

It's time to play...

Horrible Historians, your challenge is simple,

to stuff Vitellius's gob.

Collect the pies and fling them into his mouth.

The person who gets the most pies in their Vitellius's gob

within the time limit, wins the year sphere.

But be warned, half way through, a servant is going to spill

a cauldron of garum sauce made out of rotten fish guts.

Yum!

You would say that. So, things might get a bit slippy.

Ready, steady, fling those pies.

So, here we go then with Foul Feast.

They have to fling pies, fish and grapes into the open mouth,

and two have gone in already, well, what a start that was.

There's a fish, thrown like a dart, it's in!

Tremendous effort, tremendous effort.

Emperor Vitellius's catering supervisor, Keithus Maximus,

working overtime at the end there.

He really is a terrific catering supervisor,

we're very lucky to have him.

He's one of the finest Roman catering supervisors working today.

Look at that pie thrown by Sonnyboy, he's in the lead

but that one fell short. Now grapes, more grapes.

Oh, there's a... Grapes going in there, lovely shot from Aaron!

Oh, what a fling that was from Sonnyboy, a tremendous fling.

There's a flat fish, not so lucky there from Carrera

but how will Sonnyboy do with his flat fish?

Oh, winged him on the side of the mouth, that must have smarted.

Oh, lovely, Aaron draws level with Sonnyboy! Three apiece.

There's a big bunch of grapes for both of them,

everyone going with grapes! It's grape afternoon

all afternoon here at the Foul Feast.

And it's a good job Keithus Maximus's dad owns a vineyard.

Maximus Maximus, big in grapes, big in life!

That's not relevant now.

Oh, there's the garum sauce!

There's the garum sauce and, I have to say, it is going to get much,

much more slippery out there now.

Someone's looking at a wipeout.

Let's see, who's going to slip in the garum sauce first?

It's Sonnyboy, Sonnyboy went first.

You're absolutely right, Rattus.

There he goes again, disappearing from view almost completely.

Sonnyboy's hit the deck a few times.

-Oh, they're all at it now.

-'Time's up.'

It's all over here.

Sonnyboy and Aaron have tied it.

And Keithus Maximus is absolutely furious cos he's got to clear it up.

Welcome back.

You've got yourself cleaned up I'm glad to see, lovely.

Well, that was very exciting.

With three each were Sonnyboy and Aaron.

So, Sonnyboy, if you'd like to pick another year sphere first.

There we go and, Aaron, if you'd like to pick one too.

That is all the year spheres awarded.

Did you know, when Emperor Vitellius was so full at a feast

that he couldn't eat any more,

he would tickle his throat with a feather

so he'd be sick and could start eating all over again?

I made myself sick with a long feather once, yeah,

was still attached to the chicken I was chasing.

Yes. It's time to add up your year sphere totals.

Sonnyboy, let's start with you, open up your first one for me, please.

There we go, 1086 AD.

That's the Domesday Book, written that year.

There goes the second one,

1815 AD, the Battle of Waterloo.

64 AD,

that was the year that Rome burnt down.

But what that does mean is you've avoided the BC totals

and you've ended up with a score of 2,965,

which is excellent.

Carrera, can you match that?

Let's have a look at your first one.

Oh, dear me, 2532 BC,

the great Egyptian Sphinx was finished about that time.

Let's have a look at the second one.

Oh, dear.

2.5 million BC.

-Mmm.

-Oh, no.

Stone Age man started to use tools round about then.

Carrera, that gives you a total of minus 2,502,532.

Oh, dear me.

Right, Aaron, let's see if you can win this.

What have you got in your first sphere?

Oh, dear, 8,000 BC!

Woolly mammoths died out about that time

as did your chances of winning.

Let's have a look at your second one.

Oh, it's 1042 AD.

Edward the Confessor became King of England, but it's not enough.

Aaron, that gives you a total of minus 6,958.

Today's champion, with a score of 2,965 points,

is Sonnyboy

Yay!

Yay, who will be taking home our star prize

and there really is nothing like a proper trophy

and this is nothing like a proper trophy because, once again,

it's some historical tat chosen by my furry friend here.

What is it, Rattus?

-Are you a First World War soldier?

-No.

-Getting cold in the freezing trenches this winter?

-No.

Then what you need is a nice tub of whale fat.

Nooo!

Soldiers used to have to rub it all over their bodies for insulation.

Congratulations, Sonnyboy!

-Sonnyboy, I'm so sorry, there you go, well done.

-Thank you.

I'm sorry it's so, er, well, whaley.

It just remains for me to say thanks to Sonnyboy, Carrera and Aaron

-and no thanks whatsoever to Rattus.

-Anytime.

You've been watching Gory Games. Goodbye.

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