Episode 6 HH: Gory Games

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# You'd better turn off this show ain't for you

# Still watching?

# Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible History's Gory Games

# Horrible History's Gory...

# Games. #

Hello and welcome to Gory Games with me, Dave Lamb.

And me Rattus Rattus

and I'd just like to extend a very special welcome

to all of Dave's fans.

Oh, that's very sweet of you.

Or to put it another way, "Hello, Dave's Mum."

RATTUS LAUGHS

Hilarious.

Welcome then to the goriest game show you will ever see.

Let's meet today's Horrible Historians.

-Hi, I'm Molly.

-Hi, I'm Georgie.

Hi, I'm Josh.

-Dave.

-What?

-Dave.

-What?

-Dave!

What better way to get Gory Games rolling

than with one of my trademark warm up games?

Is that a serious question?

This is a game I like to call the Gunpowder Plot.

No. No way.

We are not, repeat not re-enacting Guy Fawkes' attempt

to blow up Parliament.

Dave, what do you take me for?

That would be highly irresponsible.

Parliament is the cradle of democracy in our fair country.

Anyway, we haven't got any gunpowder.

-Good.

-So, we're going to need to make some.

In Stuart times the key ingredients of gunpowder

were bird droppings and human urine.

Now, I've already collected some bird droppings

so all we need now is some wee, which is where you come in, Dave.

Come on! Fill her up.

Rattus, you really are beyond the pale.

Yeah, but don't you be! RATTUS LAUGHS

Try getting it all in the pale, not beyond it, eh?

I'd chuck this over you but you'd probably enjoy it.

-Hm.

-Hm. Right.

Molly, Georgie, Josh, you are playing to win year spheres.

Each year sphere contains a historical date

and at the end of the show your year spheres will be added up

with AD dates being added to your total

and BC dates being subtracted from it.

So, for example, if these were your year spheres

your total would be... Rattus?

-Now, I've noticed a bit of a pattern to this bit of the show.

-Oh, yes?

Yeah. Well, last time the total was 735.

The time before, it was 735 and the time before that it was also 735.

So, I'm going to go out on a bit of limb here

and say that the total is...

735,321 and a half.

At the end of the show,

the person with the highest year score

will win a unique historical prize,

picked out of the Time Sewer by my glamourless assistant.

Oh, you are going to be dead impressed.

Unlikely.

Right, let's get cracking

and to find out what this round's about it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Gorgeous Georgians.

Your four Georgian topics are:

Molly, you get to pick first this round.

Which topic takes your fancy?

-Beauty products.

-Beauty products.

The question is:

Let's see your answers now, please.

Look at that. Molly and Josh agreeing with C.

Georgie out on her own with A.

The answer is...

"I always use ash, coal dust and candle wax

"because I'm worth it."

THEY GIGGLE

I don't. I was just doing a voice. Right.

Georgie, it's your turn to pick a topic.

-Can I have school, please?

-School.

In 1793 the school boys at Winchester School did what?

A, invented a new sport,

B, rioted

or C, pretended to be girls?

And you've all ended up with exactly the same answer.

You've all gone for B. Let's find out.

The answer is B, they rioted, they really rioted.

They even fired pistols at some of the teachers.

I'm pretty sure that's against the school rules.

I'm almost certain it is.

Josh, it's your turn to pick a topic.

-I think I might go with Aristocrats.

-Aristocrats.

The Duke of Chandos had his own private what?

So Molly and Josh are going for C.

Georgie thinks it's B.

The answer is B.

He had his own private orchestra consisting of 27 musicians.

That's right. Just 27.

Kind of like having an MP3 player, only less portable.

THEY LAUGH

-True.

-Thanks.

So, the scores are all square.

Two points each and the final question this round is on Shoes.

And it's a prop question.

RATTUS SNIFFS

Oh, cheesy!

Only the very best. Here is your question on Shoes.

Why did sailors in the Georgian navy not wear shoes?

Was it A, because they could cause explosions,

was it B, because they couldn't afford them

or was it C, because they wanted to show how hardy they were?

Georgie on her own again with A.

Molly and Josh still agreeing on C this time.

The answer is...

A.

The nails in the soles of the shoes made sparks

which could ignite gunpowder. You couldn't make it up.

Well, you could but it wouldn't be as interesting.

So, Georgie, you've won the quiz.

Time to choose your first year sphere.

Push, push, push! Oh, it's very heavy when it's full.

Ah, come on, Georgie.

Come and pick your year sphere, whichever one you want.

But beware, inside one is a Stone Age date

worth a few million minus points.

Push, push, push, push, push, push! Bye!

So winning the quiz means that Georgie is through to play

the Georgian Game, but will she be alone or will everyone get to play?

Let's find out.

It's a single player silly game. So, Georgie,

it's off down the Time Sewer with you.

I'm coming through.

It's 21st October 1805.

Heavily outnumbered, the British Navy face the combined might

of the French and Spanish fleets. It's time to play...

You are a British Navy gunner.

Your mission - to load, aim and fire your cannon at the enemy ships.

You score a point for every enemy ship you shoot

and lose a point for every British ship you hit.

Score six points in the time limit to win your year sphere.

Let the battle commence!

KLAXON BLARES

So, here goes Georgie with the Battle of Trafalgar, Rattus.

In goes the first ball and let's see what's she done,

it's fallen short, it's fallen short.

It didn't quite make it to the sea, did it, Rattus?

It didn't. It went straight into the sky and off into outer space.

Yes, and I'm afraid that's the kind of thing that can happen

and will happen if Georgie doesn't point the cannon at the ships.

She is basically not bothering to aim here, Rattus,

which is a very, very interesting technique.

We've not seen this before.

All she's doing is loading up the cannon and firing it.

Oh no, wait a minute, she's pointing it this time and that was better.

-Lovely day there, isn't it, at sea...

-It is, Dave.

..in the Battle of Trafalgar?

Lovely blue sky, a perfect day for sailing

but not for some of these sailors who are about to get blown

out of the water, although maybe not,

because that one almost blew up her own ship.

It nearly rolled out of the end of the cannon and blew herself up.

-There's a nasty sea mist rolling in, Dave.

-There certainly is

and that seagull has never looked safer for me.

Er, she's not really getting the aiming right here.

And she's running out of time.

You have to say it's not looking likely at all for Georgie.

-Oh, she hit one!

-She's hit.

-She hit one!

We could see there the benefits of aiming the cannon at the ships

and she got it straight away and that wasn't a fire off either.

Oh, but the penny's dropped just too late for Georgie

and I'm afraid the French and the Spanish have got away with murder.

Welcome back, Georgie. Bad luck. What happened there?

You seemed to be struggling a bit with it.

I knew I wouldn't get a very good score

because my aim is terrible. I can't aim to save my life.

At the start, you weren't actually aiming at all though.

-You didn't actually sort of move.

-Exactly.

-And you got one down in the end?

-But I was still rubbish.

Sadly, Admiral Lord Nelson,

the brains behind the British victory,

was shot by a French sniper and died at Trafalgar.

Not the first time he'd been shot.

In a previous battle, his right arm had been hit by a bullet

-and it had to be hacked off with a saw.

-That's nothing!

A mate of mine got caught in a trap and had to gnaw his leg off.

Like we needed to know that.

Erm...

On to round two and to find out what's up next,

it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Measly Middle Ages.

And here are your all important Middle Ages topics.

So, Georgie, it's your turn to pick first this round.

I think I'll go for School, please.

School.

True or false?

At schools in the Middle Ages you were beaten

if you made spelling mistakes.

Let's see your answers now, please.

Josh and Georgie think it's true. Molly thinks it's false.

It's...false.

In the Middle Ages there were no spelling corrections.

You spelled English anyway you wanted to and that's a "facte".

F-A-C-T-E. Facte.

Not how you spell fact. Never mind.

Josh, it's your turn to pick a topic.

-Hm. Maybe Tournaments.

-Tournaments.

Is this true or false?

Look out. Everyone's in complete agreement.

Three trues. Are you all right or all wrong?

I can tell you it's...

true.

I reckon they should just do away with the World Cup trophy

and hand over a massive fish. What do you think?

Oh, one of your better ideas, certainly, but still not very good.

Molly, it's your turn to pick a topic.

-Animals, please.

-Animals.

True or false?

King Henry III built England's first zoo in the Tower of London,

home to a polar bear, which was allowed to fish for dinner

in the Thames.

The girls think it's false. Josh on his own with true.

It's...true.

The polar bear's keeper used to take it for walks on a lead.

SHE LAUGHS

Yes and you need a very big plastic bag to clear up after a polar bear.

RATTUS LAUGHS

Everyone a winner when it's about poo.

He's said it again.

I've said it again. I'm not saying it again.

One question left in this round.

Josh and Molly are on two points each.

Georgie, you can still catch up with this last question

and it is about Henry II.

True or false?

Henry II of France was riding through a town

when the Cistercian monk stumbled and fell over.

His robe flew over his head and he showed the King his backside.

Well, everyone has gone for true. Trues across the board.

It's true.

RATTUS CHUCKLES

It's not funny!

Shtoom, shtoom, Rattus. So, that is the end of the round.

Georgie, I'm afraid for now you're history

-but you've already got a sphere so don't worry.

-Fantastic.

Molly and Josh, you are going to go head to head to decide

who wins the next year sphere. Fingers on your buzzers.

Beginning with the letter K,

what is the name for a warrior who fought in a suit of armour?

-Molly.

-A knight?

A knight is correct. Well done, Molly.

Help yourself to a year sphere.

Molly, as the winner of the quiz you are also through

to play the Middle Ages game

but will it be just you or will the others get to play too?

It's an all play Gory Game and you're all celebrating.

So celebrate down the Time Sewer.

Free away!

Oh, bleurgh! It stinks.

William the Conqueror was a big old bully.

At his funeral in 1087, his servants stole his jewels,

his body was so bloated it exploded, and the church burnt down.

A fitting tribute I think you'll agree.

It's time to play...

You are William's servants and your challenge is to take as much

as the old tyrant's treasure as possible and put it in your chest.

All the treasure is colour coded. You must only take your own colour.

Whoever collects the most pieces wins the year sphere

but you'd better be quick because the church is going to burn down.

Your time starts...now.

So here we go with Yuckaroo.

They've got to steal the colour-coded treasure

and stick it in their own chests and look at the speed of them going.

This is the fastest speeding we've seen yet, Rattus.

He's so shocked, he's dumbfounded, he's not speaking.

There is some top speed theft happening here

and Molly goes in for the crown. Now, we've not seen this before.

The crown is being stolen. And about time to,

it's got to be the most precious piece of treasure, hasn't it?

They all look very pleased with themselves there, Dave,

but the truth of the matter is they're not going to get

any of that through customs.

No, you're absolutely right.

And Georgie there putting a bit of green treasure in her chest.

That wouldn't count so she's rightly removed it again. Excellent.

They've got ten pieces each to collect, of course,

so they're doing very well indeed.

No. One's dropped out there. That bounced out, Josh.

That won't count for him.

And I have to say,

Molly is one of the fastest thieves I have every seen.

Faster even that the pickpocket who relieved me

of my wallet on the way over here this morning.

Whoa! And William the Conqueror's stomach has exploded!

William the Conqueror's stomach has gone up

and it has spattered our contestants in all manner of gory gunk

but they don't seem that troubled by it.

They're pressing on with their task, although, I should point out

at this stage that tomb-raiding generally is a bit of a no-no.

Please don't do it.

Georgie, dropping in another piece of treasure there, Rattus.

She's gaining on Molly, isn't she?

-She is, Dave.

-That's a very nice piece, isn't it?

What would you say that would be worth at auction, Rattus?

Absolutely nothing. We got all of this junk from a Pound Shop.

We got it from the Pound Shop

so it'll be worth at least a pound at auction, I'm saying.

That's irrelevant because it's been stolen.

It's been stolen by Molly and put into her chest.

I have to say, I think Molly might be on the point of stealing

every single bit of treasure available.

She gets another piece, that's her ninth piece, I think.

And the church is on fire! And that can mean only one thing.

The end of the game is imminent.

She's only got one more piece of treasure to get for the clean sweep.

Here it comes. There goes... the hooter!

Oh, the hooter beat her to it.

She was on the point of a memorable world record

but at least Molly has the consolation of a year sphere.

Welcome back, Gory Gamers. Get back behind those podiums.

-Did you enjoy that?

-No. It was disgusting.

-What didn't you enjoy about it?

-Who wants guts flying over them?

You got covered in guts. Did everyone get covered in guts?

-No, I didn't.

-You didn't? You escaped?

-I'm jealous of you.

I think I got a bit of a stomach on my shoulder.

That was extraordinary.

The winner with nine pieces of treasure was Molly.

Help yourself to a year sphere.

William the Conqueror's coronation in 1066 was just as eventful.

The congregation cheered when the crown was placed on his head

but his guards thought it was a riot so they attacked the crowd

and set fire to the buildings.

He knew how to liven up a church service, that William.

He certainly did. Over to the Gory Grid to find out what's up next.

It's the frightful First World War.

Four questions as always and here are your four World War I topics.

Josh, it's your turn to pick first this time.

-I'll go with bombs.

-Bombs.

Your question is:

Let's see your answers now, please.

Georgie and Josh agreeing with B. Molly, out on her own with A.

What's the answer?

The answer is:

And by sheer coincidence,

Goggle-Eyed Booger was my Rat School nickname.

I can well believe it.

Molly, it's your turn to choose a topic.

-Um, Trenches.

-Trenches.

Which of these diseases affected soldiers in World War I?

Let's see you answers now, please.

So, Molly and Josh agreeing on C. Georgie thinks it's B.

Let's hear the answer.

The answer is C! Trench foot.

When you foot got cold and damp, blisters could get infected

and turn to gangrene.

Best way to avoid it was -

not get sent to the trenches in the first place. Ha ha.

Yes. That's the ideal way to avoid it, certainly.

-Georgie, your turn to pick a topic.

-Can I go for food, please?

You can go for food.

And that is a prop question.

Look at those beauties!

What did French peasants do with British Army biscuits?

Was it A, feed them to their cows,

was it B eat them

or was it C, light fires with them?

Georgie and Josh going with B. Molly on her own with C.

The correct answer is...

C! They lit fires with them.

They thought they were far too horrible to eat.

-Oh, Dave, Dave, Dave!

-Yep.

-Can I... could I?

-Yep. I'll leave them there for you.

-Thank you.

There is actually one question left in this round but looking at

the scores, we don't need to ask it because Molly you can't be caught.

You've won yourself another year sphere.

You're through to play the World War I game

but will it be an all play or will it be a single play game?

Yes. It's a single player silly game

so Molly, off you go down the Time Sewer.

Ah!

Much of World War I was fought in the trenches,

which were truly frightful and full to the brim with rats.

It's time to play...

Your job, quite simply, is to splat that rat.

Hm! Hm? What have us rats every done to you?

Well, two words. The plague.

Fair cop.

Whack 15 rats with your spade within the time limit

to win the year sphere and your time starts...now.

KLAXON BLARES

So, Molly about to Vanquish Vile Vermin.

There's a little one, missed that one. Wow!

She gave that one a thomp though.

She's making up for lost time here, Rattus.

And Rattus, I have to say is staring at the this open mouth.

Rattus, she is wielding that spade like a lunatic.

That one's got a helmet on in the foreground.

I'm afraid that's not going to be enough protection.

She is whacking like a berserker. Rattus, this is terrible.

You don't want to watch this. She is sparing none of these rats.

She's not just trying to score points here.

She's trying to inflict damage and boy is she doing that.

Oh, no! My colleague Rattus is getting emotional.

And that one, oh, it just slipped off the side of the helmet.

Probably poked its eye out. Poor thing, what a way to go.

Whacked by a spade.

Well, Molly just needs one more to win this now.

It'll all be over, Rattus.

And she's done it. And Rattus has gone.

Rattus has fainted

while Molly celebrates her fourth year sphere.

Welcome back, Molly. Well done.

Pick yourself a year sphere, why don't you?

Tell me about your technique.

I just tried to whack them really hard cos I don't really like rats.

THEY LAUGH

Have you had a go at Rattus?

It's the last time I take a peep out during that game.

Yeah. I'd keep well away from that game if I were you.

You did brilliantly, Molly. Well done.

Soldiers in World War I didn't just whack the rats,

they also had a cunning trick.

They'd put a bayonet on their rifle then

a lump of cheese on the bayonet.

They'd aim the rifle at the enemy lines,

wait for the rat to nibble at the cheese and...

I think we've heard quite enough!

Time for the next round and it better not involve injuries to rats.

Time for the final round.

Over to the Gory Grid one last time to find out who we've got.

It's the Vile Victorians. Good day.

No quirky quiz in our final round.

It's straight to our big all play game

and this one is scary with a capital S.

Everyone, get down that Time Sewer. Go on, Josh.

I really don't want to do this!

-Bye.

-Bye, Georgie. Bye, Molly.

-See ya.

-See ya.

Bodies were stolen from graveyards to sell to surgeons

who wanted to experiment on the corpses to find out

more about how the human body works. It's time to play...

You are a rotten robber.

Your challenge - to steal three bodies from the graveyard,

get them through the railings onto the carts, find the key

to the cemetery gate and get them onto the surgeon's table.

-If you hear this noise...

-WHISTLE BLOWS

..then you must rush back to the cemetery and hide

so the policeman doesn't spot you.

A second whistle means you can go again.

The first person to get all their bodies to the surgeon's table

and grab their dodgy money is the winner. Three, two, one...

KLAXON BLARES

So, here got the grave robbers!

Through the railings, grabbing their first bodies now.

I'm afraid Josh, you're not going to get it through like that.

That's it, very good. The drag through is the best way

of getting them through.

And Molly's off and running straight away. Look at that.

Up to the cemetery gates already. Found the key.

That can be a problem. We've seen that in the past

and she's working away at the lock already.

She's through. She's through with corpse number one.

There it is. Two more to go for her.

That's delivered, you can leave it now.

I've got a bad feeling about Georgie and that middle corpse.

She's looking in his trousers for the key,

it's hanging off the end of a chain.

And Josh is taking his trolley into the final sector of the game.

That's not necessary either

so the person who's listened the most is once again in the lead.

And Josh has found the key.

Well, that's a good start. That is a very good start.

-Where's Josh going with the trolley?

-WHISTLE SOUNDS

Here come the police! They've got to be quick.

They've got to get behind those gravestones and be quiet

because here he comes.

It's our Victorian bobby. The Peeler, the rosser.

Here he comes,

looking for naughty grave robbers in amongst the topiaried hedges.

Clearly, this policeman doesn't think there's anything wrong

with a corpse hanging halfway through a railing.

WHISTLE SOUNDS

The whistle goes, the second whistle.

They're back to the game to where they were

and Molly resumes her battle with corpse number two.

She's through and it's on the trolley and off she goes

and there, look he's got a golfer. The check trousers there,

I think, in his lifetime this corpse was clearly a golfer.

Dave, I think it has to be said, golfers do in fact die eventually.

They certainly do but not normally on the course and they're not

normally buried in their kit but this one clearly has been.

Second corpse beautifully delivered there by Molly.

Georgie's still wrestling with that lot. She's a long way behind.

There goes Josh in, second corpse delivered

so it's tight between Molly and Josh.

Oh, she's through, Georgie's finally through with a corpse.

Great stuff. And there goes Josh with cobwebs in his hair.

Molly, a little bit cobwebbed as well.

And here we go, this is the race.

They are as they stand here. Third corpse each coming through.

Josh, yanking the... Oh, and that could be crucial!

Molly loses her third corpse off the trolley.

That could cost her everything. And here comes Josh, can he cash in?

He's certainly got a cobweb on his head.

Can he cash in? Yes, he's straight for the bag.

Nothing can stop him now apart from falling into an open grave.

He's avoided doing that and it's there. Josh has made it!

He's won the grave robbing and that gives him a year sphere.

Welcome back, everybody. Welcome back and look...

Well, know need to ask you Josh, you're off.

You've grabbed yourself a year sphere. Well done.

When Queen Victoria was just a child, the infamous criminals,

Burke and Hare were plying their gruesome trade.

Not satisfied with just robbing graves, they murdered people

-and sold them to a surgeon who experimented on the corpses.

-Oh.

Burke and Hare were caught.

Hare testified against Burke who was hanged

and what happened to his body?

It was given to a surgeon who experimented on the corpse.

It's got a lovely kind of circulatory to it, hasn't it?

Yeah. Not sure lovely's the word.

It was an excellent effort, wasn't it?

How did you feel it went?

I knew I was going to win when Molly slipped up. Thanks, Molly.

Molly, you've ended up with four year spheres.

-Georgie, you've got one. Josh, you've got one.

-Yay.

Yay indeed. Anyone can win this.

It's time to count them up.

Remember, the AD years are added to your total.

The BC years are subtracted from it.

Molly let's have a look at your first sphere.

1533 AD.

The Incan Empire destroyed by Spanish Conquistadors.

1485 AD.

Richard III killed in battle that year.

1702 AD.

The death of King William III.

This all important fourth one, what is it?

1840 AD!

The first stamp, the Penny Black comes into use.

There's applause from the other two contestants.

You have scored 6,560 points,

and seeing as we don't feature years in the future

and you've got one sphere each,

neither of you can catch her but we're going to have a look

at your spheres anyway. Georgie, what have you got there?

Oh, dear. 2184 BC.

The Egyptian King Pepi II died aged 100 that year.

Josh, can you beat Georgie? Let's have a look.

Well, you can, but only just.

490 BC. The Battle of Marathon between the Persians

and the Athenians was that year.

So that means today's winner with 6,560 points is Molly,

who'll be taking home our star prize.

And when I say star think more black hole, unfortunately,

as it's been selected by the flea metropolis that is Rattus Rattus.

Well, today's prize is nothing more than a nutritious piece of fruit.

-A date to be precise.

-Oh, that sounds harmless.

-Hm.

An ancient Egyptian date, no less, picked by a trained baboon.

Hold on a second.

Tell me that isn't a bit of baboon poop on it.

-Um. Give us a sniff.

-Aw!

RATTUS SNIFFS

Yeah. You're right. It is baboon poop.

Well, all the better, more authentic, Molly!

So con-rat-ulations.

There you go, Molly.

Sorry, er, the baboon poop should come off after a while, hopefully!

Thanks.

Just try not to touch it.

It just remains for me to say thanks to our winner, Molly,

and thanks also to our gallant runners up, Georgie and Josh

and no, thanks whatsoever, to Rattus.

He doesn't mean it, not really.

I do. You've been watching Gory Games. Goodbye.

# Was that show messy enough for you

# Or would you have preferred a little more poo

# Have you had your fill of blood, guts and gore

# Or have we left you still wanting more?

# Well, keep watching

# We'll be back again

Gory Games

# Horrible History's Gory...

# Games. #