Episode 7 HH: Gory Games

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# You'd better turn off This show ain't for you

# Still watching? Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

# Horrible Histories Gory...Games. #

Hello and welcome to Gory Games with me, Dave Lamb,

and my assistant, Rattus Rattus.

Er, before we go any further,

can I just say that rats are known as dirty creatures

that carry numerous highly infectious diseases,

but, er, I have undergone rigorous checks for those diseases,

and I can assure you I have every single one.

Want some salmonella?

Just keep on your side of the desk, all right, Rattus?

Lovely.

This is the show where you test your knowledge

of Horrible Histories with quirky quiz questions and Gory Games.

Before I catch anything from Rattus...

RATTUS LAUGHS

..let's meet today's horrible historians.

Hello, I'm slimy Stuart Thomas.

Hi, I'm Harriet.

Hi, I'm Dominic.

Woh-hoh-hoh! Look out, it's Dominic. Right, OK.

Sorry, have you not got one of your terrible games for us at the start?

-No, I'm spent.

-Well, good. Excellent.

Let's get on with today's show, then.

Oh, no, do you know what? We could play a game from ancient Greece

that I like to call Don't Cry For Me.

Great(!)

This contest used to take place in front of a statue of Artemis.

Now, Spartan boys were super tough,

so this game is a real test of endurance.

Basically, each of our contestants is flogged

until they cry out in pain. Last one to cry out wins.

-What?

-Now, right then, Dave.

If you'd be so good as to do the flogging, cos with my little arms...

No, no, don't panic, all right? Absolutely not.

That is not going to happen. Not on my watch.

You can't flog our contestants.

-Oh, come on. I'm bringing history to life.

-Well, me, too.

Throughout history, rats have travelled long

distances aboard ships, just as you're about to.

Uh-oh. Argh!

What if I promise to behave?

Shall we let him out?

-Give him another chance.

-You're very lucky, Rattus.

But I have to say, this is your very last chance.

Again?

Right, then. Thomas, Harriet, Dominic.

You are playing to win Year Spheres.

Each Year Sphere contains a historical date.

At the end of the show, your Year Sphere dates will be added,

with AD dates being added to your total,

and BC dates subtracted from it.

So, if these were your Year Spheres,

we'd add 1,215, and then subtract 480,

giving us a total of, Rattus?

-Er, does it start with a seven?

-It does.

-Does it end with a five?

-Yes.

-It has a three in the middle?

-It has.

-Is it 24?

It's not. It's 735.

At the end of the show, the person with the highest year score

will win a unique historical prize.

Something I picked out of the Time Sewers myself.

Something that you'll never, ever forget.

Mainly because you'll never be able to wash off the smell.

OK, off we go. And to find out what round one's all about,

it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Terrible Tudors.

Your four Tudor topics are...

So, Thomas, you get to pick first in this round. Pick away!

Er, executions, please.

Executions, let's hear the question.

True or false? I cried at the execution of my wife, Anne Boleyn.

Is that true or false?

Everybody has gone for false. Are they all right, or all wrong?

It's false. I wasn't even at her execution.

In fact, people say I was busy playing tennis.

I couldn't possibly confirm one way or the other. Naughty Henry.

What a naughty monarch. So, Harriet, it's your turn to pick a topic.

-Sport.

-Sport?

It is, in fact, a prop question.

Oh! Prop question, prop question... He's got a big stick, so shush.

Yes, exactly. True or false?

The Tudor sport of cudgelling involved hitting your opponent

with a heavy stick until they bled.

Let's see those answers now, please.

Interesting. They've all gone for true.

I can tell you that the answer is... true. Well done.

The first person to make the other bleed won.

It makes the sport of boxing look positively sensible.

Indeed it does. Serious moment.

Please do not try cudgelling at home.

Dominic, your turn to choose a topic.

Um, war.

Let's hear that question.

Is this true or false?

So, is that true or is that false?

Wow, a little bit of disagreement this time.

Dominic and Harriet going for false, Thomas out on his own with true.

Let's find out what the answer is.

It's...false.

Drake only sunk 16 Spanish ships.

The other 60 were sunk thanks to the British weather.

So, our lousy British weather's good for something after all.

HE LAUGHS

Your final category is music. Let's hear that question.

True or false?

I was a keen musician, and owned 78 flutes.

Let's see those answers now, please.

Harriet and Thomas agreeing on true.

Dominic out on his own this time with false.

What's the answer?

It's true. I also owned ten trombones,

14 trumpets, 76 recorders,

five bagpipes, and I was a keen singer.

-I think I'd rather listen to the bagpipes.

-I heard that.

Oops! So, Harriet, you've won the quiz.

Time to choose your Year Sphere. And it's pot luck.

Pick one with a Stone Age date,

and you could score a few million minus points.

Pick one that the rat's touched, and you could catch salmonella.

Oh, it's win, win, win, Harriet!

Push, push, push, push, push. Argh, there you go.

Come and pick your Year Sphere, any one you like.

Interesting, maybe foolish. Push, push, push, push...

So winning the quiz means Harriet is automatically through

to play the Tudor Game. But will she be alone,

or will everyone get to play? Let's find out.

It's an All Play Brainy Game.

So, it's off down the Time Sewer with the lot of you.

Go on, Dominic. Lead off.

Woh!

I'll get you back for this, Dave.

Queen Elizabeth I was no oil painting.

So, when she had oil paintings done,

she made sure the artist copied portraits from her youth,

when she was prettier,

rather than have them paint the rotten tooth pockmarked reality.

It's time to play...

Your challenge is to assemble

two perfect copies of an Elizabeth portrait.

The problem is, your two puzzles

are made out of differently-shaped pieces.

Complete your puzzles quicker than the other Horrible Historians

to win the Year Sphere.

In three, two, one.

HORN BLARES

So, here we go, then, with Puzzling Portraits, Rattus.

Two portraits of Queen Elizabeth I, different sized pieces.

Harriet could have the advantage here, being a girl.

Girls tend to do well at this, I find.

It's multi-skilling allows them to do that, I think.

I think you're absolutely right.

It's a cagey opening from Dominic, too. He's having a good look.

You don't want to go just charging in there, do you, Rattus?

Popping stuff down, willy-nilly.

No, that's not a good way to start at all.

Well, look at this.

Harriet does seem to be doing rather well,

working on two puzzles at once, of course.

Dominic very different in his tactics, there.

He's trying to complete one first,

and then move onto the second.

Two very different approaches.

I will say that Harriet seems to be doing incredibly well now.

Thomas is going to have to go some to win it from here.

That looks like someone in a hall of mirrors.

But Harriet, look at her, taking her time.

Composure personified, isn't she, Rattus?

Certainly is. Have you ever noticed what a shifty-looking queen

Elizabeth I is?

She really looks like she's up to something in that portrait.

Well, I'm glad YOU said that because, of course,

her distant relative Elizabeth II, still very much alive.

If she happened to be watching,

that could be trouble for you, Rattus. Big trouble.

She's just as shifty-looking.

He said it again there, Ma'am.

I want to make it clear that's not my opinion.

But in the meantime, Harriet is doing extremely well here.

She's only got a couple of pieces remaining.

It's looking very, very good for Harriet.

Yes. It's all over. Two portraits completed, and there she is.

Double single-digit salute.

Oh, Harriet is someone who knows how to celebrate!

Harriet, go and pick up your Year Sphere. Well done.

Was it not complicated for you doing them both at the same time?

I've had a lot of experience with 750-piece puzzles.

Right. And this was only about 20 pieces with the two of them,

wasn't it? On to round two.

To find out what's up next, it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Rotten Romans.

And here are your four Roman topics.

So, Harriet, it's your turn to pick first this time.

What's it going to be?

-Toothpaste.

-Toothpaste?!

What did we Romans use for toothpaste?

A, powdered rat brains?

B, powdered mouse brains?

Or C, powdered crocodile skin?

Let's see those answers now, please.

Interesting. Everybody has gone for B. Are they all right, or all wrong?

The answer is B. Powdered mouse brains.

Minty-fresh and squeaky clean!

Obviously, a powdered rat brain would be absolutely no use at all.

Far too small.

Right, Dominic. Your turn to pick a topic.

Um, Emperors.

Emperors. Let's hear that question.

Emperor Caligula was very hairy, and was said to look like which animal?

Let's have a look at those answers.

Everybody has gone for A! Let's see if they're right.

The answer is B, a goat.

Caligula was quite touchy about it.

If you said the word "goat" in his presence,

he would have you executed.

Of course, being told you looked like a rat would just be a compliment.

Hm, in your dreams. Right, Thomas your turn to pick.

-Punishments.

-Punishments.

What was the Roman punishment for killing your own father?

Was it being A, thrown off a cliff?

B, fed to the lions?

Or C, tied in a sack with wild animals and thrown in a river?

-You're smiling Dominic, do you think you know this one?

-Yeah.

Excellent. Good. Let's have some answers.

Well, the boys agreeing on C. Harriet on her own, with A.

What's the answer?

The answer is C. You were tied in a sack with wild animals

and thrown in a river.

Usually with a snake, a cockerel, a monkey and a dog.

Well, that seems desperately unfair.

Had the animals killed their own fathers as well?

-I don't imagine so.

-Oh!

-Just a bit of bad luck for them.

So, the final question this round is on cabbages.

And it is a prop question.

Oh, prop question, prop question, prop question.

A Roman cure for feeling unwell

involved eating cabbage for a day, and then what?

Was it A, eating nothing else for a week?

B, making yourself sick it all up again?

Or C, collecting and drinking your own cabbage-y wee?

-HE LAUGHS

-Let's see those answers now, please.

The boys agreeing on C. Harriet on her own with B.

The answer is, C. Of course it is!

They'd collect and drink their own cabbage-y wee.

So, a point each for the boys.

Thomas and Dominic, it's fingers-on-buzzers time.

We're going to have the tiebreak question.

Beginning with the letter T,

what item of clothing was worn by posh men in Rome?

-FLUSHING

-Yes, Dominic?

-Toga.

Toga is absolutely right.

Go and collect your first Year Sphere.

Dominic, you're through to play the Roman Game, but will it be

an All Play or a Single Player game? Let's find out now.

It's an All Play Gory Game,

so that means it's back off down the Time Sewer with the lot of you.

There's really not much you could teach the Romans about sieges,

apart from maybe the concept of playing fair, because the Romans

just loved to catapult awful things at enemy fortresses.

It's time to play...

They'd fire rocks, beehives, even severed heads of captured defenders.

Your challenge is to fire as many missiles

into your fortress target as possible.

The person who gets the most in the time limit wins the Year Sphere.

So, catapults at the ready. In three, two, one.

HORN BLARES

So it's Savage Siege. They've all gone for a rock, first up.

Let's see how they go with these.

Bang one, bang two! Can he make it a hat trick?

No, he can't. Oh, that was a shame.

That was a very exciting start, wasn't it, Rattus?

-Rattus?

-Certainly was, Dave. A very exciting start...

Yes, and there it is. There's the third stone in, it is a hat trick.

And the first beehive going in, in the middle there.

Harriet, using a beehive. There's a decapitated head.

Beautiful technique from Dominic. Oh, what style he has.

Just watch this.

He pulls, and a little leap, as if he's putting top spin on it.

Meanwhile, though, Harriet into the lead.

Wonderful, with four points already.

Thomas straight back at her, with three.

Look at Harriet wrestle with the decapitated head.

It's probably got blood on her hand, there.

Not very pleasant. And one goes sailing over the top there.

Huh, Thomas literally doesn't know his own strength on the end.

I don't know the difference between rocks and boulders, Dave.

Is it an international issue, or...?

It's a highly technical difference. I won't trouble you with it now.

Suffice to say, there is a difference.

It's just very, very small.

Thomas and Harriet level pegging, five points apiece.

And here comes Dominic. He's making his way back.

30 seconds left.

If he could land this, it would help him. He's not quite done it.

30 seconds remaining.

It's neck-and-neck.

And here comes Dominic, too.

It really is very close.

Oh, that one bounces in nicely there for Thomas.

He's in the lead at a crucial stage.

Oh, and another severed head hits its mark there.

It may be a severed head but at least he gets to travel.

There are seconds remaining here. It's looking like it's Thomas's.

No, it's not Thomas!

HOOTER BLARES

Harriet has tied it at the last second.

What a shot that was! Thomas and Harriet getting a sphere each.

Thomas, you go first and select yours, please.

Look at that. Cautious selection.

And Harriet, help yourself to your third.

Those weren't the only terrible tactics the Romans used.

They'd also dump dead animals into their enemy's water supply,

so they'd fall ill.

Because sick soldiers are much easier to defeat than healthy ones.

Oh, that's weird.

In my experience, rotting animals just make things taste better.

Which is why, to this day,

I have never agreed to come round to yours for dinner.

Over to the Gory Grid to find out what's up next.

It's the Vile Victorians. Good day!

And here are your all-important Victorian topics.

So Dominic, it's your turn

-to lead us off this time. What's it going to be?

-Factories.

Factories. Let's hear that question.

True or false? In some factories, managers would alter the clock

so you'd be late for work.

Everybody thinks it's true. Let's find out.

It's true. It happened to me,

and then the bosses fined me thruppence for being late.

Where am I supposed to find that kind of money from?

That's what I get paid for doing the show.

That, and all the canteen waste I can eat.

Lovely. Thomas, it's your turn to pick a topic.

Um, gadgets, please.

Gadgets.

That is a prop question.

Get a load of that. True or false?

This was a Victorian device for automatically making you

a cup of tea in the morning.

You've all gone for true. Well done, you're all absolutely right.

It's absolutely true.

You set the time on the clock and have a nice brew in the morning.

So, two points apiece. Harriet, your turn to pick a topic.

-Cats.

-Cats.

And that is a question from Mr Rattus Rattus.

True or false?

Victorian scientist Charles Babbage

got a law passed

stopping street performers because they were too noisy.

So some street protestors threw dead cats at him.

Is that true, or is that false?

Interesting. Everybody has gone for false. Rattus, what's the answer?

It's true. So, they were bad protestors, but good cats.

That's because I think the only good cat is a dead cat.

Yes, can I just apologise for the fact that my co-presenter is a rat?

HE LAUGHS

Final question, this round. The question is on eccentrics.

Let's hear what it is.

Is this true or false?

Let's see those answers now, please.

Oh, total agreement, once again! Everybody's gone for false

Let's find out.

It's...false.

Yes, his carriage was actually pulled by zebras.

I wonder if he stopped or crossed at a zebra crossing?

Interesting. I'll get back to you on that one.

So, it's a three way tie, which means fingers on buzzers, please.

Beginning with the letter H, what was the surname

of the famous detective created by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

-Sherlock...?

-FLUSHING

-Dominic?

-Holmes.

Holmes is absolutely right. Well done, Dominic.

Help yourself to another Year Sphere.

OK, Dominic is the quiz winner.

He's through to play the Victorian Game. Will it be just him,

or will the others get to play, too? Let's find out.

It's a Single Player Brainy Game.

So, Dominic, engage the old grey matter,

and get yourself down that Time Sewer.

Isambard Kingdom Brunel

was a brilliant professional engineer,

but a rubbish amateur magician.

He once made a coin disappear, but not quite how he planned.

He managed to get the coin lodged in his windpipe.

He eventually dislodged it using a clever device.

It's time to play...

Your challenge is to work out which cog goes where.

Once they're all in the right place, you can turn the wheel

and flip the idiot, I mean patient, upside down,

to dislodge the coin and win your Year Sphere.

But be quick, you're against the clock. Which is starting to tick

and also to tock. Now.

HOOTER BLARES

Here goes Dominic with Barmy Brunel.

That's a tiny little cog. That's no use.

That won't work, Dominic. But he's quickly worked that out.

I like that about this lad.

He works things out quickly, doesn't he, Rattus?

He's certainly considering each cog in turn, Dave.

Yeah, that's the way to do this. It's trial and error,

and again he's understood that is just too small for that slot.

So, well played, Dominic. Lovely.

That is a likely-looking cog, for me.

That's going to slot neatly in there, next to the crank cog.

There it is. Beautiful, the first cog in place.

What's he going to do now, Rattus?

He'll try another cog,

as that's the fundamental principle of the game.

Well, very good. Well done.

I think Brunel seems to be asleep.

Let's hope he's not choking too badly, of course.

The coin currently lodged in his throat.

Let's hope he's still alive,

because Dominic's taking his time, as he should.

But it's time well spent, I have to say that.

There's another likely-looking cog.

That's large enough to fit in there, for me.

Oh, it's not quite large enough. Well, this is the game, you see.

He's working his way methodically through, and I think inevitably

he'll do it, because he's got enough time left, hasn't he Rattus?

He has plenty of time.

Just one cog remaining now. One cog between Brunel and safety.

There goes a tiny little one. And it's working, and there goes Brunel!

He's flipped up, the coins in the roof of his mouth, and he's got it.

-Yes!

-Dominic has the saliva-covered coin. He is a life saver.

Well done, Dominic. Help yourself to another Year Sphere.

Isambard Brunel was probably the greatest Victorian engineer,

famous for designing bridges, railways and steamships.

People called him, "The Little Giant",

because the great man was only five foot tall.

Thereby proving great things come in small packages.

Sometimes.

Over to the Gory Grid one last time, to find out who we've got.

It's the measly Middle Ages.

So, no quirky quiz in our final round.

It's straight to our big All Play Middle Ages game,

and it is a very messy one.

So, come on, everyone, get down that Time Sewer.

I was beginning to get used to the smell!

Well, Thomas might be used to the smell of the Time Sewer,

but I can smell something disgusting.

And for once, I don't think it's Rattus.

Which can mean only one thing. Let's have a go at....

Gong was a Middle Ages word for poop.

Your job is to collect the gong from the cesspit,

carry it along your lane, and slop it into your measuring cylinder.

Whoever collects the most, collects the Year Sphere. But beware.

Some Middles Ages types would poo directly onto the street below,

so your lane is going to get very, very slippery.

Ready, steady, get slopping.

HOOTER BLARES

Here we go, then, with gong farming. And Thomas is off to a flyer.

He's got down to his bucket of poo first.

There we go.

They've all got a good bucketful there, Dave.

They have. They have to make their way very carefully,

cos once the lane becomes slippery,

it's very difficult to deal with. Oh, dear me!

Thomas is down already,

and that could be disastrous for Thomas.

I'm sorry, you do not want a wet lane

at this stage of proceedings. And his trousers are soaking.

He can barely stand up. He's all over the shop.

It's no good, Dave, and there's laughter. He's smiling.

I think he's really lost his impetus.

He's just enjoying rolling around in poop.

Yeah, and why wouldn't he? Why wouldn't he?!

Meanwhile, Harriet is getting on with the game.

And look at that, that's a full bag's worth she's delivered there.

And so has Dominic. That's an impressive score.

That's two full buckets of poop she's managed to get across already.

Yes, and Thomas is desperately trying to stand up.

It's not working for him. I think he's going to throw that bucket.

That is desperation at this stage of the game,

to be throwing your bucket at the measuring cylinder.

He's missed by a considerable distance.

Wouldn't have mattered if it had hit it, Dave.

It had nothing in it! It was an empty bucket.

As indeed is Harriet's.

She's just delivered another massive payload, and so too has Dominic.

They're both doing incredibly well. Thomas isn't.

Lord alone knows what will happen

when the poo drops from above, which it surely will, fairly soon.

He's absolutely struggling.

Forlornly takes his bucket back to the other end,

having emptied precisely... There goes the poo!

And if we thought he was in trouble before,

boy, oh, boy, is he in trouble now? They all are.

There may not be much more poo scored in those measuring cylinders

from this point on.

Because it's going to get terribly heavy underfoot, I think.

And there he is, plucky Thomas.

He hasn't moved for the best part of this game.

Harriet is now covered in quite a lot of poo, herself.

Now, this is clever.

Dominic is either attempting to make a run for it,

or he's using the side of his lane to make his way back.

They're running out of time,

and Thomas falls over for the 73rd time during this game.

-HORN BLARES

-Time's up.

And it really is all over now, and Harriet has collected the most poo.

And Thomas has done absolutely nothing.

Unless you count rolling around, falling over, and laughing.

Back behind those podiums. Thomas, talk us through that.

Well, I ran back. Slipped. Poo everywhere.

And then I was slipping and sliding about for the rest of the event.

But your measuring cylinder was absolutely bone dry.

I don't think I've ever seen a more messy contestant.

You were rolling around in poo from start to finish.

So help yourself to another Year Sphere, Harriet.

Hm, choices, choices.

Is that a good one, or is it a bad one?

Time to count up those Year Spheres.

AD years are added to your total,

and BC years are subtracted from it.

Thomas, let's have a look at it.

What is it?

Oh, Thomas!

It's 305 BC.

Alexander the Great conquered Egypt that year.

That leaves you with a minus score.

Harriet. Let's start with yours.

1840 AD. Queen Victoria married Price Albert.

Let's have a look at the second one.

1492 AD.

Christopher Columbus discovered the New World. And the third.

1665 AD.

The Plague happened round about then.

Let's have a look at your final sphere.

It's another AD. 1805 AD. The Battle of Trafalgar.

That has given you a very, very impressive total, indeed.

You've ended up with 6,802.

-So, Dominic. That is your total to beat.

-Oh!

1415 AD.

Henry V beat the French at Agincourt.

Let's have a look at that second one.

I think is going to be a BC.

Well, you're wrong. It's 978 AD.

Ethelred the Unready became king of England that year.

Let's look at your final sphere.

Oh, it's a BC, but it's not disastrous.

It's 449 BC.

Sea battle of Salamis, between the Greeks and the Persians.

Which means you're comfortably in second place with 1,944.

So, all that means that today's winner,

with a score of 6,802,

is Harriet.

Congratulations, Harriet.

You go home with our star prize.

The kind of prize you could only win on this show.

Because, sadly, it's just some old rubbish that

Rattus has fished out of the Time Sewers.

Come on, Rattus. Do your worst.

Well, when it comes to Vikings,

everyone always remembers the killing, burning, and pillaging

And they forget about all the really important stuff,

like how they had excellent ear hygiene.

To prove it, today's prize is a genuine Viking ear spoon.

Rattus, tell me you've at least cleared out the ear wax.

Of course I have, Dave!

Viking ear wax is delicious!

Pt-pt-pt-pt.

There you go, Harriet. I hope you enjoy it.

It just remains for me to say thanks

to Thomas, Harriet and Dominic.

And no thanks whatsoever to Rattus.

I like to serve.

You've been watching Gory Games. Goodbye.

# Was that show messy enough for you?

# Or would you have preferred a little more poo?

# Have you had your fill of blood, guts and gore?

# Or have we left you still wanting more?

# Well, keep watching We'll be back again

# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

# Horrible Histories Gory...Games. #