Episode 8 HH: Gory Games

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# You'd better turn off This show ain't for you

# Still watching? Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible History's Gory Games

# Horrible History's Gory Games.#

Hello and welcome to Gory Games. I'm Dave Lamb.

And I'm Rattus Rattus OBE.

-You haven't got an OBE.

-Yes, I have.

The Queen's given you an Order of the British Empire, has she?

No, no. It's a rat OBE.

It stands for Order of the Stinky Sock.

That would be an OSS, wouldn't it?

Yeah, but rats can't spell.

Can't do everything, you know. Only talking. Ah!

This is the show where you get to test your knowledge

of Horrible Histories

by taking part in the most quirky quizzes and gory games imaginable.

Before we can do that, we need some Horrible Historians.

-Introduce yourselves.

-Hi, I'm Phoebe.

-Hi, I'm Andrew.

-Hi, I'm Maisie.

Welcome, everybody.

-Dave.

-What?

-Dave.

-What?

-Dave.

-What?

Could we do a little warm-up game I came up with last night?

It's a Georgian taste test.

Ooh, let me guess.

What's it going to be? Rotting fish pate,

monkey brains, dung burgers?

No, biscuits. It's time to play Guess The Biscuit.

To win this game, our contestants simply have to pick out

which of the biscuits is a genuine Georgian recipe.

One of the plates has your classic chocolate bourbon.

Another has plain old digestives.

But only one has a genuine Georgian chips biscuit

as eaten by the British Navy.

Stale as anything and riddled with weevils and maggots.

Right, then, you lot, blindfolds on and let's get tasting.

No, no. Stop, stop. No-one is eating those.

You'll give them all food poisoning.

No, I tested them.

But you rats can eat any old rubbish.

No, I tested them on you.

Remember at the cinema last night when I offered you a biscuit?

Oh!

Excuse me, someone fetch me a bucket.

I think he remembers.

Urgh, right.

Phoebe, Andrew and Maisie, you're playing to win year spheres.

Each year sphere contains a historical date

and at the end of the show,

your year spheres will be added together with AD dates

being added to your total, and BC dates being subtracted from it.

So, if these were your year spheres, for example,

-your total would be, Rattus?

-Er, I want to say eight.

Please don't, because it's 735.

-That was my next guess.

-Good.

At the end of the show,

the person with the highest year score will win a prize

to take home and keep.

That's right, and I picked it out my very self.

You probably don't want to know what he picked it out of.

Let's get cracking.

To find out what this round's about, it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Measly Middle Ages.

The person who gets the most right wins the first year sphere

and your four Middle Ages topic are...

Phoebe, you get to pick first in this round.

-What topic would you like?

-Entertainment.

Entertainment. And that is a prop question.

That's what that's for.

This is a jester's hat.

Henry II's favourite jester was Roland the what?

Let's see your answers now, please.

And you've all gone for A, and I can tell you that you're all right.

The answer was Roland the Farter. Well done, everybody.

No prizes for guessing his act.

He's got a point.

King Henry II liked him so much that he gave Roland the Farter some land.

Not sure where, presumably somewhere windy.

-That's very good!

-Thanks very much.

-Somewhere windy!

Thanks very much.

Good, good, good.

Andrew, your turn to choose a topic.

Er, Tournaments.

Tournaments. Excellent choice.

Which of these was not one of the rules of knightly chivalry?

Well, interesting. Andrew and Phoebe agreeing with B.

Maisie going on her own with A. Let's see who's right.

The answer is B.

Defend the poor, and quite right too!

Knights should be too busy being nice to ladies

to have time to defend the poor.

I agree with that.

One behind, Maisie, but plenty of time to catch up

and it's your turn to pick a topic.

Um, I'll go with Monks.

Monks.

What did the monks of Greyfriars Monastery in London

see every morning when they left the monastery?

OK. You've all gone for A. All in total agreement.

Let's find out if you're right or wrong.

The answer is B, piles of animal guts. Yuck!

Disgusting!

Yes, the town butchers in London

used to dump all the unwanted animal meat outside the monastery.

Delivery for Mr Rat! Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

That leaves the scores unchanged

and there's just one topic left in this round.

That topic is Cures. Let's hear the question now.

A Middle Ages cure for skin disease was to cover the sore spot with...

Very good.

So the girls agreeing on B.

Andrew out on his own with A.

Let's hear what the answer is.

We believed you just place it on the affected area

and the skin disease then attacks the wolf's skin

instead of your own skin.

It's quite ingenious when you think about it.

And it's utter, utter nonsense.

So, Andrew, you've won the quiz, time to choose your year sphere.

Oh, ice cream, ice cream!

Anybody like lovely ice cream?

It's not really ice cream, Andrew.

It's year spheres, worth far more.

Come and choose one.

Whichever one you like. Not the vanilla.

Be warned, one of those could contain a Stone Age date

worth a few million minus points.

Good choice, or maybe not.

Wait and see. Wait and see.

So, winning the quiz

means Andrew is automatically through to play the Middle Ages game

but will he be alone or will everyone get to play?

It's a single-player silly game.

So, Andrew, get down that Time Sewer with you.

Head first!

Let me take you back to the 1400s,

to the court of King Louis XI of France.

The king has just taken delivery of an original new musical instrument.

It's time to play the Pig Piano!

The instrument consisted of pigs of different sizes and a keyboard.

Play a key and a little spike would prick a piggy and make it squeal.

The larger the pig, the deeper the squeal.

Your challenge is to listen to and repeat a sequence of piggy squeals.

The sequence will get one squeal longer each time.

Correctly repeat nine squeals within the time limit

to win a year sphere.

Get one note wrong and you're out, so don't.

No, really, don't.

Let's get squealing.

Here we go, with Pig Piano.

Andrew must follow the sequence of squeals caused, of course,

by a spike going up a pig's bottom.

-What do you think of that, Rattus?

-It's funny, Dave.

He's got that first one right, so he's off and running.

SQUEALS

So, four squeaks to follow this time, here he goes.

Lovely.

Terrific stuff, terrific stuff.

Squeals remembered in the correct order. Here we go again.

SQUEALS

I love the way their mouths open.

Oh, there's a little fart there, from the tiny pig there.

He didn't let it upset him, though. He did well to remember that.

-PHHRRRTT!

-Ooh! Another one goes at the end there.

Here he goes on sequence four.

Oh no, he's got it wrong.

Oh! Oh, he's been caught in the face by a shaft of poo.

That's awful, awful for Andrew.

He's got poo on his shirt.

He's got poo on his head, but he's still smiling.

What a trouper.

Welcome back, Andrew.

Thankfully completely cleaned up, I notice.

-Yes.

-Very well done. Bad luck.

You didn't quite manage the task, but you did get covered in poo.

-Yes.

-How did that feel?

-Icky.

-Icky.

I think that's how it looked, to be honest. Excellent.

Yes, the Pig Piano is, without doubt,

the sickest instrument in history.

What about the Incan Drums, made out of enemy skin?

All right, it's the second sickest instrument in history.

Or the Incan flutes made out of enemy bones.

The third sickest instrument in history.

Or the Aztec...

The Pig Piano is one of the sicker instruments from history. OK?

-Agreed.

-Good.

Onto round two.

And to find out who's up next, it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Rotten Romans.

Here are your four Roman topics.

So, Andrew, it's your turn to pick a topic first.

-Emperors.

-Emperors it is.

Emperor Elagabalus had an unusual hobby.

What did he have a hug collection of?

Let's hear your answers now, please.

Andrew and Maisie going for B.

Phoebe on her own with A. Let's hear what the answer is.

Emperor Elagabalus collected them by the ton.

So there were no flies on him!

HE CHUCKLES

Don't laugh, you'll only encourage him.

OK, Maisie, it's your turn to pick a topic.

Food.

Food.

We Romans loved eating snails,

but how did we fatten them up to make them juicy for eating?

Did we keep them in a bowl of...

A complete spread of answers.

Complete disagreement. Let's see who's right.

Sometimes, we fatten them in milk,

but blood really improves their flavour.

Oof! Yummy.

Whoa! Yummy indeed. Snails in blood.

I must try that.

Ugh! Ughhh!

Phoebe, your turn to pick a topic.

Gladiators.

Gladiators.

Here comes your question, ready or not.

So the girls in agreement with A.

Andrew on his own with C. Let's find out who's right.

Right, then.

The answer is...

It also worked as a kitty litter for all the big cats.

Big cat! Where's the big cat? Oh!

You can come back, Rattus, there are no big cats, I promise.

There we go, halfway. That'll do.

The girls are tying at two a piece,

with just one question left in this round on Cures,

and it's a question from Rattus Rattus.

Thank you.

A Roman cure for snakebite involved putting what on the bite?

Was it A - chicken droppings,

B - pig droppings

or C - horse droppings?

Again, a complete spread of answers, so we know someone's right.

Rattus, what's the answer?

The answer, Dave, is...

Well, obviously, it is.

Putting chicken or horse droppings on it, that would just be crazy.

It would be.

So, Phoebe, that means that you've won yourself your first year sphere.

Congratulations. Pick it for us now.

Did that one feel like it had a good aura about it, did it?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, OK.

Phoebe, you're through to play the Roman game

but will you be playing alone or will everyone get to play?

It's an all-play Gory Game,

so that means it's off down the Time Sewer with all of you.

Lead off, Maisie.

Ooh, head first.

Go on, Andrew.

And there goes Phoebe.

Romans were big old bullies and when they wanted to conquer a city,

they used some pretty ruthless methods.

It's time to play...

Savage Siege.

Romans would use catapults to fire all sorts of awful things -

rocks, beehives, even the severed heads of captured defenders.

Your challenge is to fire

as many missiles into your fortress target as possible.

The person who gets the most in the time limit wins the year sphere.

So, catapults at the ready.

In 3, 2, 1!

So, here we go, then, with Savage Siege.

They've all gone for a stone straight away.

They have. They're between a rock and a hard place on this game, Dave.

Yeah, Maisie's landed her first stone,

so that was a tremendous selection from her.

It's not working for the others.

Some of those are going way over the top.

Look at this, Maisie, she's got a second stone.

The stones are working for Maisie.

I do hope these catapults are made out of real cat?

Well, I have to say, that is not the opinion of this programme.

Horrible Histories Gory Games has nothing against cats,

-unlike my colleague here.

-Yeah, well, quite right.

So, a first stone landed there by Andrew.

Lovely to see, and Phoebe as well.

They're getting the measure of the stones.

Maisie got it straight off, the other two are picking up on it.

They're picking up on it nicely

because Phoebe is now level with Maisie.

She's in the lead!

She takes the lead there, and look at that!

Andrew up with Maisie as well, so it's all change here,

apart from what they're throwing, that remains the same.

Everybody throwing rocks and, as I say that,

Maisie selects the first head. Let's see how it flies.

That's why they haven't chosen heads. It just doesn't work.

That trajectory was too flat.

They need to need to loop it, as Andrew takes the lead now.

Onto four points. Maisie trying everything.

That hive went off at right angles. We won't be finding that again.

She's gone back to the rocks.

Very sensible, Maisie.

-30 seconds remaining.

-My colleague informs me

there are 30 seconds remaining and this is very, very close.

This could go down to the wire.

Andrew lines up another head, that could be a lead.

He takes a two-point lead now.

That could be absolutely crucial.

Maisie fires a beehive into the middle of next week.

You can't get the direction, that's the trouble.

She recovers nicely with a head and so too does Phoebe.

Andrew responds the only way he knows.

He re-establishes his lead, we're very close.

And he's out.

There's the hooter. Andrew's done it by two clear points.

-Well done.

-Horrible History's Gory Games.

Welcome back. Well played, everyone. That looked fantastic.

-Did you enjoy that?

-Yes.

It was good, wasn't it? Well, I can tell you,

the winner of the year sphere, with six, was Andrew.

Collect it for us now, please. And there we go.

Your second year sphere there.

Roman catapults were powered using tightly twisted ropes

and sometimes, when they ran out of rope,

they actually used women's hair.

To be fair, Dave, they did cut it off the woman first.

Yes, obviously.

-You know, rat hair has loads of uses as well.

-Oh, such as?

Well, mud collecting, grease absorbing, bin scouring,

affordable flea housing.

-I could go on.

-Please don't.

Let's just get over to the Gory Grid,

to find out what's up next.

It's the Terrible Tudors.

Here are your all-important Tudor topics.

Maisie, it's your turn to get first pick this round.

I'm going to go with Dodgy Diets.

Dodgy Diets. And that is a question from Mr Rattus Rattus.

True or false?

Queen Elizabeth once ate a chess board.

Let's see your answers now then, please.

Ooh, interesting.

Andrew and Maisie are going for false but Phoebe thinks that's true.

Which is it, Rattus?

It's true!

Although, to be fair, the chess board was made of marzipan.

Ooh, yes. Tricky question that one.

-Tricky.

-Yeah, Elizabeth had something of a sweet tooth.

Though, much like the rest of her teeth,

her sweet tooth fell out from eating too many sweets.

Phoebe, it's your turn to choose a topic.

-Anne Boleyn.

-Anne Boleyn.

True or false?

Anne Boleyn made a joke before her head got chopped off.

Interesting.

The girls going for true. Andrew thinks that false.

Let's find out who's right.

It's true.

She said she had a little neck, so it would be easy to chop off.

Marvellous. Good girl. Cracking one right up.

Wish I'd been there to hear it myself.

So, there we go, another point each to the girls.

Phoebe's in the lead with two in this round.

Maisie on one, Andrew yet to score, but there's two questions remaining,

-and Andrew, it's your turn to pick a topic.

-Sport, please.

-Sport.

-True or false?

I once wrestled King Francis I of France.

I was taller and heavier, so I made mincemeat out of him.

Excellent. Phoebe and Andrew going with false.

Maisie thinks that's true. Which is it?

It's false.

I lost. Francis I won by tripping me over.

Lousy cheat. And anyone who thinks it's funny

can have an appointment with my executioner.

I didn't think it was very funny. Did you, Rattus?

No. No, no, no.

Despite having one question left in this round,

looking at the score, I see that Phoebe cannot be caught.

She has a lead of two points.

So, Phoebe, help yourself to another year sphere.

So, Phoebe, as the quiz winner, is through to play the Tudor Game,

but will it be just Phoebe or will the others get to play too?

Let's find out.

It's a single-player brainy game.

Phoebe, it's just you.

Get down that Time Sewer, please.

It's time to play...

Crazy Cures.

Seven Tudor sickness cures, two of them totally made up.

Your challenge - to work out which five are real.

Choose five cures and move them to the real board.

Touch the severed Tudor head to find out how many you've got right.

Keep trying new combinations until you've got all five

but you've got to be quick, you're against the clock

and the clock starts ticking now.

So here we go. The Tudor Cure Name Game.

Let's see what's going to be first. What does Phoebe think?

Oh, a complete change of mind there, Dave.

Oh, very early to be changing your mind.

Apply leeches, goes up.

-We can safely say that might be correct, Rattus.

-We can, Dave.

Wear the skin of a donkey. Not sure what you do that for.

Maybe a bit of sunburn, perhaps.

Drink cat's blood? That won't make you feel well.

I'm all in favour of that.

Swallowing frogs has gone up and hug a rat.

You have four right.

So, one of those was wrong and I must say,

I have hugged a rat, Rattus, as you well know,

-and it didn't make me feel any better.

-Oi!

-She's replaced that one with drink tea.

-You have four right.

Oh, drink tea's not right either, so, by a process of elimination,

there we go, she's onto this, I think.

I think this is it.

You have all five right.

The final press on the Tudor woman's decapitated skull

tells us that Phoebe has won the Name Game.

Welcome back, Phoebe. Help yourself to another year sphere.

Tremendous effort. Did you know those answers?

A few, I knew from Horrible Histories

but I guessed most of them.

It was very good guesswork, cos you did extremely well.

Superb effort.

There was no tea in Tudor Britain, as you correctly guessed.

It only arrived on these shores in Stuart times.

Hug a rat was, of course, completely made up.

Even in Tudor times, they knew you should never hug a wild rat.

-You don't know what you might catch.

-Thank you.

Time now for the final round.

Over to the Gory Grid one last time to find out who we've got.

It's the Vile Victorians.

Good day.

No quirky quiz in our final round.

Straight to our big all-play game and have we got a scary one for you.

Everyone, get down that Time Sewer once again.

And they were gone.

Horrible, but true.

Some criminals used to steal dead bodies and sell them to surgeons

who would experiment on them

to learn more about how the human body works.

It's time to play...

Grave Robbers.

Your challenge, to steal three bodies from the graveyard.

Get them through the railings, onto the carts,

find the key to the cemetery gate

and get them onto the surgeon's table.

If you hear this noise...

WHISTLE BLOWS

..you must rush back to the cemetery and hide,

so the policeman doesn't spot you.

A second whistle means you can go again.

The first person to get all their bodies to the surgeon's table

and grab their dodgy money is the winner. 3, 2, 1.

Here we go then, with the Victorian grave-robbing.

They're straight through the railings,

grabbing the first corpse,

which they'll put on those wheelbarrows

and wheel towards the surgeon's table.

Phoebe's already off, and there's Maisie.

You can see just how wobbly those trolleys are,

and Andrew in the background.

They're all over the place.

What they've got to do here

is plunder a key from the pocket of the corpse and open those gates.

I notice Phoebe's through.

She's through.

There's Andrew delivering his first dead body.

Maisie having problems with the lock

but she's through now.

They're all underway.

That's one body each.

They've stolen one corpse

and donated it to medical science,

which is exactly what they're supposed to be doing.

Although I say donated, Rattus,

they are getting paid a sack load of dodgy cash for doing this.

That's the black market for you. Who are we to question it?

Here they go, look at this.

Oh, and there's a body off. A body is off Phoebe's trolley.

She's having to wrestle that back on.

That's taking the time. These trolleys are playing up today.

They're wobbling, as they're designed to,

but they're causing havoc for our contestants.

Andrew forges into the lead but there's the policeman.

There's the policeman's whistle. They've got to get back.

Get out of sight and keep absolutely quiet

because the repercussions of being caught by this policeman

will be absolutely awful. Here he comes.

Look at him, casting his beady eye around the cemetery,

just hoping to arrest a grave-robber.

Our grave-robbers keeping nicely out of sight at the moment, Rattus.

Yes, it's going to be a forlorn night for that copper.

He's found absolutely no-one.

I think they're back on. They're back on.

Back to the position when the whistle first blew,

to pick up from there.

As we can see, Maisie is marginally in the lead.

Phoebe equalising.

She brings herself level with the other two.

They've all got two corpses each. This is close.

Maisie, now taking the lead, just,

and this is the third corpse we're on here.

This is Andrew's third corpse, Maisie's third corpse.

Phoebe, in the railings.

Andrew's there, he's got to pick up the money,

the dodgy money

he's being paid for stealing dead bodies.

He's got to get through the railings and he's won it.

Andrew is our champion grave-robber.

Good lad.

Welcome back, grave-robbers. Andrew, pick up your year sphere.

Lovely. You know the drill.

In the late 1820s, when Queen Victoria was just a child,

infamous grave-robbers, Burke and Hare

stole corpses to sell to doctors.

They were making a nice profit

but soon ran out of fresh corpses to steal,

so they didn't just dig up the dead,

Burke and Hare actually started murdering people.

Funny, I once knew a HARE who was a right BERK.

Yep, I think you may have ruined the melodrama of the moment.

-Apologies.

-No, it's fine. I'm getting used to it.

So, it is now time to count up those year spheres.

Looking at you, I can see Phoebe has three, Andrew has three

and Maisie doesn't have any. However, Maisie,

a score of zero could be enough to win this whole competition,

so don't despair.

All right. Phoebe, let's open up your first year sphere.

Oh!

Oh, it's 1323 BC.

The death of Tutankhamen.

That's a bit better. That's 1770 AD.

Captain Cook claims Australia for Britain that year.

And 1605 AD,

which was, of course, the Gunpowder Plot by Guy Fawkes.

That gives you a total of 2,052.

Sadly, Maisie, that means that you can no longer win,

but it does mean you can still come second

if Andrew gets a high BC sphere.

Let's have a look what you've got, Andrew.

212 BC. It's bad but it's not a disaster.

The death of the Greek inventor

and scientist Archimedes that year.

1099 AD. The First Crusade.

It's all down to the turn of this final sphere.

What have you got?

It's 1536 AD,

the year that Anne Boleyn was executed.

That gives you a final total of 2,423

which means today's winner is Andrew,

who'll walk away with the prize. Are you excited right now?

-Yep.

-Well, make the most of it

because you're about to be horribly disappointed.

Come on, Rattus.

What old tat have you fished out of the Time Sewers today?

Well, what would make a better prize

than a hugely valuable, ornate cutlass?

To which the answer is this...

a genuine pirate's eyeball, lost to just such a cutlass.

Rattus, even by your low standards, that is an awful prize.

You're the won who said, "Go eye-catching."

I said, "Go and get something eye-catching."

Oh. Oh, right!

Well, anyway, Andrew, con-rat-ulations!

Andrew, well done. I'm just sorry it's an eyeball.

-It's fine.

-Good. Happy with that?

-Yep.

It just remains for me for me to say thanks to our winner, Andrew,

and thanks to our fantastic runners-up,

Phoebe and Maisie, and no thanks whatsoever to Rattus.

I just keep coming back.

You've been watching Gory Games. Goodbye.

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# With Horrible History's Gory Games

# Horrible History's Gory Games.#