Episode 9 HH: Gory Games

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# You'd better turn off this show ain't for you

# Still watching, then let's test your brains

# With Horrible History's Gory Games

# Horrible History's Gory...Games. #

Welcome to Gory Games with me Dave Lamb.

-And me! What's my name?

-Are you all right?

I was in my dressing room

and a woman came in, screamed and someone hit me with a shovel.

-That's an occupational hazard for a rat.

-Ooh! I'm a rat?

-That would explain the hairy arms and the whiskers.

-Yep.

This is where you get to test your Horrible History knowledge.

-It's coming back to me.

-Try to keep quiet. Let's meet our Historians.

-Hi, I'm Christian.

-Hi, I'm Isabel.

-Hi, I'm Harry.

-Excellent.

Let's get the show started with a warm up game I've come up with

-called man-eating cats!

-No! No way, not on my watch, all right?

We are not having dangerous man-eating cats in the studio.

-I didn't mean cats that eat men.

-Thank goodness.

I meant a man who eats cats. There was one who used to do it

for the crowds as part of a Georgian sideshow and eat the dead ones,

but I thought it would be much more fun if we ate a real one.

-First person to eat it wins.

-No, no, no. Absolutely not.

-Don't worry, you won't have to eat a cat.

-Why not? He'd eat me.

Wait a minute. That's Socks. That's the Blue Peter cat!

We are at the BBC. Where did you think I was going to get a cat from?

Are you trying to get us fired? I'll take him back. Come on, Socks.

You spoil sport.

-Feeling better?

-Much, thank you, Dave.

Christian, Isabel, Harry, you are playing for year spheres.

Each one contains a historical date.

Your year sphere dates will be added up with AD dates

being added to your total and BC dates being subtracted from it.

If these were your year spheres we'd add 1215 then subtract 480

-giving us a total of?

-735.

-That bang really has messed with your brain.

The person with the highest score will win an amazing prize.

Yes. I imagine a games console, a widescreen TV.

Forget that and imagine some rubbish that he's dragged out of the sewer

-cos that's what you're getting.

-I usually clean off most of the poo.

Bonus! Let's get cracking and to find out what this round's about,

it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the awful Egyptians.

Four questions as always and here are you four Egyptian topics:

Mummies, Soldiers, Tutankhamun and Pyramids.

-Christian, it's your turn to pick. What are you going for?

-Pyramids.

Pyramids. That is a prop question.

Oh, prop question, prop question, prop question, prop quest...

You're going to stop doing that now. True or false.

Pyramid workers were paid partly in radishes and garlic.

Let's see those answers now, please.

Christian and Isabel agreeing on true. Harry on his own with false.

Well, I can tell you that it is in fact true.

After pulling huge stone bricks all day in the hot sun

I suspect pongy breath was the least of their worries.

-Fancy some of that?

-No. Gives you pongy breath.

That'll be the least of your worries as well.

-Isabel, let's pick a topic please.

-Mummies.

-Let's hear that question.

True or false. In Egyptian history, mummification sometimes went wrong.

and when a Mummie's arms dropped off they used a stick instead.

Is it true or is it false? OK. Everyone in total agreement.

They've all gone for true. Are they all right or wrong?

It's true. You need some big old sticks to replace these guns though.

Check out these babies.

-OK. Harry, your turn to pick a topic.

-Tutankhamun.

-Tutankhamun.

-That's a question from my colleague, Mr Rattus Rattus.

-I thank you.

True or false.

Tutankhamun's tomb was cursed so all the archaeologists

who discovered it, died soon after they entered it.

Is that true or false? Show me now. Isabel and Harry think it's true.

Christian out on his own with false. Who's right, Rattus?

Ah! It's false, I'm afraid.

The infamous curse of Tutankhamun was a story made up by the papers.

Howard Carter, the lead archaeologist,

lived for another 17 years, so don't believe everything you read.

OK. One question left in this round. It's a question on Soldiers.

True or false. Ordinary Egyptian soldiers wore ornate metal helmets.

There we go. The boys agreeing on false.

Isabel on her own with true. Who's right?

It's false. Only officers had metal helmets.

Ordinary soldiers protected their heads by growing their hair thick.

-Tough luck if you were bald.

-That's the end of the round

and we can see that Christian has won the first year sphere

but be warned, some of them could contain

a Stone Age date which could be worth a few million minus points.

Push, push, push, push... Here's a hint, Christian!

Pick a gold shiny one.

Oh, he's got good reach. Are you sure?

-Yeah.

-Okey dokey. Push, push, push, push!

Christian, you are through to play the Egyptian game,

but will you be playing alone or will everyone else get to play, too?

Let's find out.

It's an all play silly game, so that means it's off

down the Time Sewer with the lot of you. Lead the way, Harry.

Now the ancient Egyptians were so smart that they built giant pyramids

and invented clocks that ran on water.

Hard to believe then that they also thought

human fly traps were a good idea. Yes, it's time to play...

Flies were such a problem in ancient Egypt, King Pepi had honey

poured over slaves and stood them in the corners of the room to attract the flies.

You are a honey slave.

Your challenge - to catch as many flies as possible.

The person who catches the most flies in the time limit

wins the Year Sphere

and here come those flies. In 3, 2, 1.

-SIREN SOUNDS

-Here we go then with Honey Slaves

and remember the flies have to stick to their paddles,

which are sticky on both sides, Rattus,

or their costumes, which are very much like honey.

They certainly are, Dave.

They also look a bit like custard monsters.

They do, you're absolutely right.

If you catch any tasty looking ones, save them for me!

Come on, Rattus. Let's not get involved.

They've got a lot to be concentrating on.

They don't need to be sorting out your lunch

or your dinner.

Lots of flies coming out now.

Look at that! Little rush of them.

Must have disturbed a nest.

nearly stuck to each others' paddles there.

Terrible thing about this game,

You can get stuck together if you're not careful.

You certainly can.

And look at this.

Christian is aiming for them with his paddle

but a few are getting stuck to his chest.

He is now part covered in flies.

Look at that.

He's now winning by a considerable margin.

Isabel lagging behind.

Oh, look at Christian. He's got one on his apron.

That's the first time we've seen a fly there.

He's really attracting the flies.

I don't know if he's sprayed himself in something,

but he's winning this by a country mile.

SIREN BLARES

Time's up.

And it's all over. For my money, if you ever get

an infestation of flies in your house, there's your man.

Get behind your podiums. Lovely, lovely, lovely.

Christian, I've never seen a man

more covered in flies than you just were.

-Talk me through it.

-Well, I was just like...

Ah, so if they missed the bat, they landed on you?

Yeah.

Winner of the Year Sphere, with a new Gory Games record,

it's Christian.

Help yourself to another Year Sphere, Christian. Excellent.

-Dave?

-Yes?

Is it true that King Pepi had to prove his fitness to rule

-by running around the pyramid every 30 years?

-I believe so, yes.

Wow!

So you would have had to do that about six times already

-because you're old!

-He did understand it.

-Ha-ha-ha!

-OK.

Onto round 2 and to find out what's up next, it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the frightful First World War.

And here are your all-important World War I topics.

-Don't know what you're looking at me for.

-You're a rat.

Isabel, it's your turn to pick first this time.

What's it going to be?

Rats.

That is a question from Sir Rattus of Rattus.

Who was known by World War I soldiers

as rats after mouldy cheese?

Was it...

Let's have a look at those answers.

OK.

So the boys agreeing on B. Isabel on her own with A.

Who, if anyone, Rattus, is correct?

Well...

Isabel is absolutely right with A. It was, in fact, doctors and nurses.

They came from the Royal Army Medical Corp

whose initials are RAMC,

the same initials as Rats After Mouldy Cheese.

The rat knows all!

-So, Harry, it's your turn to pick a topic.

-Slang.

Let's hear that question.

What was the trenches slang for toilet paper?

Show me your answers everyone. OK.

The boys agreeing again, with A. Isabel again out on her own with C.

What's the answer?

The answer is A.

Bumf. It was short for bum fodder.

Food for your bottom!

He just said food for your bottom!

RATTUS CACKLES

Food for your bottom! Food for your bottom!

-Finished?

-Bottom.

One more bottom. Lovely.

Christian, your turn to pick a topic.

Trenches.

Trenches.

Your question is...

Let's see those answers now please.

OK. All three answers different.

Let's see which one was right.

The answer is...

Because no man would want to set foot there for fear of being shot.

-That's horrible, but it's true.

-It is indeed.

So, the final question this round

is on MI5 and here it comes.

MI5 was Britain's top secret spy service in World War One,

but who did they sometimes use as messengers?

Let's see those answers now please.

Again, all three answers appearing.

Let's find out who's right.

The answer is...

MI5 used Girl Guides as secret messengers.

Wonder if you got a badge for that?

Probably not. Wouldn't be a very good way of keeping it secret.

So, that's the end of the round. Two points each for Harry and Isabel.

Fingers on buzzers please because this is the tie break question.

Beginning with the letter G, what did soldiers have to wear

on their face to stop their lungs filling up with poison?

Isabel?

Gas masks.

Gas mask is absolutely right.

Well done, Isabel. You've won yourself a Year Sphere.

Please collect it now. Isabel, as the quiz winner,

you're also through to play the World War One game

but will it be just you or will the others get to play too.

Let's find out.

It's a single player silly game.

So, Isabel, get down that Time Sewer with you.

The trenches of the First World War were terrible places to be,

made even worse by all the rats.

It's time to play...

Just like in the trenches, you've got to splat some rats.

I'm not listening! # La, la, la, la! #

Whack 15 rats within the time limit to win the Year Sphere

and your time starts now.

SIREN BLARES

So, here goes Isabel,

attempting to Vanquish Vile Vermin

Rattus, you might want to look away here.

I've a horrible feeling

Isabel crowned me at the top of the show!

Turns out Isabel crowned Rattus

at the start of the show

and that is surely a police matter.

That helmet isn't enough to protect that rat

from the inevitable concussion.

So, Isabel has six bomps and she needs 15.

She's doing well.

Seems very unfair to me, Dave.

Isabel comes across as being

such a loving, caring, considerate child

when, in fact, in reality, she's a monster!

Well, that's the thing. Rats shouldn't be there

if they don't want to get bopped on the head

They're all wearing protective helmets now.

It seems to have caught on.

You might want one yourself, maybe a little bandana.

You'd look quite nice.

Well, a bandana's not going to afford me

any protection from a spade, is it? You clown!

All right! Dear, oh dear!

Isabel has done it! Well, superb.

15 rats bashed on the head

and Isabel, the smiling assassin has done it.

Well done, Isabel. Congratulations.

Help yourself to another Year Sphere.

The soldiers didn't just whack rats

that voluntarily popped their heads up.

Sometimes they'd smoke the rats out of their burrows using explosives.

Forcing us out of our homes! I mean, honestly, you people

are whatever the equivalent is of inhumane.

In-rat-humane. Huh! Or in-rat-aid.

Has anyone got a dictionary?

Over to the Gory Grid to find out what's up next.

It's the Terrible Tudors.

And your four Tudor topics are...

So, Harry, it's your turn to pick a topic first.

Cures.

That is a question from my dear old chum, Rattus Rattus.

I thank you.

One cure for sickness in Tudor times was known as fustigation

but what did it involve? Was it...

A - fanning someone to give them air.

B - sitting in a smoke filled room.

Or C - beating them with a stick.

A, B or C? Show me now.

Ooh, interesting. Isabel and Harry agreeing with B.

Christian out on his own with C.

Rattus, what's the answer?

The answer is...

C - beating them with a stick.

-Christian, your turn to choose a topic.

-Deaths.

See what you make of this one.

Let's see your answers.

OK, the boys agreeing with B.

Isabel on her own this time with A. Let's find out.

The answer is...

9 out of 10 Tudors died before their 40th birthday.

-Dave?

-Yeah.

-Can you remember your 40th birthday

or do your memories not go that far back?

-HE SIGHS

-OK.

Let's just ignore Rattus. Isabel, your turn to pick a topic.

Palaces.

Palaces. Let's hear the question.

I had a huge palace built in Surrey that was to be the biggest

of all my building projects, a celebration of the power

of the Tudor dynasty. But what did I call it?

Let's see your answers now please.

OK. Total agreement on that one. Everybody thinks it's C.

All right or all wrong?

The answer's B. I called it Nonsuch Palace.

Because there's no such palace as grand as it.

Get it? No such? Nonsuch?

But I don't hear you laughing.

FORCED LAUGHTER

That's more like it.

You don't want to upset him.

OK. To the final question in this round and it is a question on tax.

Let's hear what it is.

My daughter Elizabeth I enforced a tax

which only men could pay,

but what was it a tax on?

Do you all have an answer in your heads?

Let's see those answers now please.

Christian, you and Isabel have agreed on A.

Harry has gone for B. What's the answer?

The answer is...

Just as well there wasn't a tax on all three!

Actually what do I care? Tudor monarchs don't pay tax. Ha ha!

So at the end of that round,

Christian and Isabel level on two points each.

It's fingers on buzzers for you two.

Here we go with the tie break question.

Beginning with the letter E, what is the name of King Henry VIII's

son and heir who died as a teenager.

Edward.

Edward is absolutely right, Christian. Well done.

Help yourself to another Year Sphere.

So, winning the quiz means that Christian is automatically through

to play the Tudor game, but will he be alone

or will the others get to play too? Let's find out.

It's an all play brainy game.

So, off down the Time Sewer with the lot of you.

Elizabeth I liked to look good in her portraits,

which meant they had to look nothing like her.

Smallpox scars and years of wearing poisonous lead make-up,

meant her good looks were long lost.

So Elizabeth made artists copy paintings of her as a young woman

rather than paint how she really looked.

It's time to play...

Your challenge is to assemble two perfect copies

of an Elizabeth portrait.

The only problem is your two puzzles are made out of different pieces.

Complete your puzzles quickest to win the year sphere.

In 3, 2, 1.

SIREN BLARES

Here we go then with Puzzling Portraits.

Christian in green, Harry in yellow

and the rat murderer... Sorry! Isabel in brown.

The girls are normally good at this.

Very good at thinking in two areas at once.

They're very adept at multi-skilling, Dave.

I'm not stereotyping in anyway, shape or form.

Girls are just better than boys in many, many ways.

Rattus, we'll get letters now!

Please don't write to me, write to him.

Isabel has made a tremendous start.

Two portraits well under way.

That one on the left there all but done.

I can clearly make out Queen Elizabeth I there

in her younger days, of course.

As she got older,

she got rather less attractive than that.

-Yeah, her teeth fell out.

-Harry, here he comes.

Doing extremely well. Look at this!

He is well under way.

Very impressed with that performance,

but Isabel's really getting the job done here.

She's doing very well. A textbook performance.

Harry also doing well.

Christian lagging a little bit behind.

Isabel really getting there now.

Doing extremely well. Christian a long way off.

A bit hanging over the frame there,

but he won't trouble the winner here.

The winner about to be decided.

She seems to have three or four pieces left.

Harry's doing extremely well. Wait a minute!

Could be a late run from Harry,

but he's left it too late.

Just one more piece for Isabel now.

There it is. She's done it!

There she is, celebrating with the double fist pump,

the slight bounce, the ponytail swish.

It's a three way celebration and it's much deserved.

Isabel help yourself to another Year Sphere. Well done.

Isabel, you were absolutely magnificent. Did you find it easy?

-No.

-Ever done two puzzles at once?

No.

-Will you be doing two puzzles at once in the future?

-Never.

-That'll be it, your one time.

-Yeah.

-Superb.

In Tudor times, everyone wanted to look like Queen Elizabeth.

So they all desired flaming red hair, just like hers.

And you won't believe what one of the ingredients of the dye was.

I'll take a wild guess. Wee?

Yes, wee! How did you know?

Well, if you find it funny, it's probably got something to do

with number ones or number twos.

Good. Moving swiftly on. Time for the final round,

over to the Gory Grid one last time to find out what we've got.

It's the Rotten Romans.

But there's no quirky quiz in our final round.

It's straight to our big all-play Roman end game.

So, everyone limber up.

That's lovely and then get down that Time Sewer.

Whenever Roman Emperor Vitellius wasn't eating,

he liked to be eating.

Yes, old Vitellius liked to have four feasts a day

so he needed a lot of feeding. Which is where you come in.

It's time to play...

Collect Emperor Vitellius' favourite pheasant brain

and flamingo tongue pies, grapes and fish, and fling them into his mouth.

The person who gets the most in within the time limit

wins the Year Sphere but, be warned, halfway through,

a servant is going to spill a cauldron of garum sauce

-made out of rotten fish guts.

-Yummy!

So things will get mighty slippy. Ready, steady,

Fling those pies!

SIREN BLARES

Here we got then with foul feast.

And Isabel scores immediately.

What a superb score that was.

Look at that refusal of the fish.

Oh, dear me. The Roman catering supervisor, Keithus Maximus,

will be very disappointed there.

He just hit Isabel in the mouth with that pie.

What is he playing at out there?

This is the worst catering supervision we've ever seen.

What a disgrace. Keithus, when he sees this back,

he'll be very, very disappointed.

Carrying on regardless. Well played, contestants.

Straight through.

Look at that,

the traditional custard pie chuck.

I love to see that.

I like a good custard pie chuck.

He's great at it as well, the custard pie chuck.

But not with a fish.

Terrible with a fish. It just doesn't work.

That's what you do with a fish - fin over tail.

Or under arm, works that way too.

No matter how you cut it,

Harry is in the lead.

He's throwing magnificently.

These fish have all been line caught,

not hauled in with a great big stinky net.

Christian draws level.

We are expecting the garum sauce

any moment, aren't we?

-It's coming!

-Oh!

Christian has taken that right on his head.

Never seen anyone drenched

in such a spectacular way.

We'll see him in a minute.

-Look at the state of him!

-Poor boy.

Absolutely covered in garum sauce, as is poor Isabel.

Dear oh dear! Harry's rolling around

on the floor like a puppy.

-Christian's down!

-Christian is down.

He's blinking it out of his eyes.

SIREN BLARES

There's the hooter.

It's over. Christian and Harry, both get Year Spheres

but one wonders if any of them will ever stand up again?

Back you come everyone. Well done. Well done.

-How was that for you?

-Gungy.

Christian, it landed on your head, didn't it.

-What did it taste like?

-Vinegar.

-Horrible!

Christian, if you could take yours first, please.

And Harry, collect yours as well, please.

Despite being a total glutton himself,

Emperor Vitellius actually killed his own mum

by starving her to death.

The clue's in the name.

-Horrible Histories.

-Absolutely.

Time to count up those Year Spheres

AD dates are added to your total and BC dates subtracted from it.

Christian, we'll start with you.

Open up that first one.

1746 AD.

The Battle of Culloden.

377 BC.

It's bad, but it's not a disaster.

The death of Hippocrates, the father of medicine.

Let's have a look at the third one.

Oh, that's slightly worse. 4,000 BC.

Stone Age man started farming in Britain around that time.

Christian, you need this one to be a good one.

It's a good one but it's not that good.

It's 122 AD. Hadrian's Wall was built that year.

So Christian, you have ended up

with a score of -2509.

Isabel, it's your turn. Let's have a look at your first sphere please.

1348 AD.

The Black Death hit England that year, but good news for you.

Let's have a look at that second sphere.

1479 BC.

The Egyptian Queen Hatshepsut

came to the throne that year.

That takes you back into the minus points.

Your third sphere.

It's 1861 AD.

The death of Queen Victoria's husband, Prince Albert.

That means that you have gone into the lead, Isabel

and you have a total of 1,730

but, Isabel, you can be beaten by Harry.

Harry, lets have a look what you've got in that sphere.

It's 1014 AD.

King Swain Forkbeard became

the first Viking King of England

You've ended up with 1,014 points. It's not quite enough.

Isabel, you are today's winner.

And do we have a prize for you.

No seriously, do we have a prize for her?

Indeed we do, Dave.

I have sourced some beautiful French sausages from a 600 year old

recipe all the way from the picturesque city of Orleans.

Wow. Well they actually sound rather delicious.

Specifically from the Siege of Orleans

during the Hundred Years War when the trapped French peasants

got so hungry, they ate their own fingers.

-Bon appetit!

-I should have known.

Well con-rat-ulations, Isabel.

There you go, Isabel. Sorry it's three fingers on a plinth.

Please don't eat it.

It just remains for me to say thanks to Christian, to Isabel and to Harry

and no thanks whatsoever to Rattus.

Your growing frustration is thanks enough, Dave.

-You've been watching Gory Games. Goodbye.

-Goodbye.

# Was that show messy enough for you

# Or would you have preferred

# A little more poo

# Have you had your fill

# Of blood, guts and gore

# Or have we left you

# Still wanting more?

# Well, keep watching

# We'll be back again

# With Horrible History's Gory Games

# Horrible History's

# Gory Games.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd