Episode 10 HH: Gory Games

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# You better turn off This show ain't for you

# Still watching? Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

# Horrible Histories Gory...

# Games! #

Hello and welcome to Gory Games,

with me, Dave Lamb, and my assistant, Rattus Rattus.

And I think you'll agree, Dave, that I've never looked better.

I spent a day at the rat health spa, went to the steam room,

had a mud treatment, and then a nice dip in the plunge pool.

Which I'm guessing means the sewer, an old puddle,

-and you fell in the canal.

-I didn't know you were a member!

DAVE SIGHS

This is the foul-smelling fun fest that tests your knowledge

of Horrible Histories with quirky quizzes and Gory Games.

So, let's meet the Horrible Historians

who'll be facing the filth today.

Hi, I'm Georgia.

Hi, I'm Paramvir.

-Hi, I'm Olivia.

-Welcome, one and all.

Right, let's get things underway with a Stone Age warm-up game

-I've come up with myself.

-Oh, no.

It's called Guess The Animal.

Oh. Actually, that sounds like it might be quite a nice game.

One of these creatures was a giant bear called a mega bear. Mmm.

If a caveman was lucky enough to kill one,

they'd eat the whole thing, even the contents of the stomach.

Oh, I think I feel a headache coming on.

So I've emptied out a mega bear's stomach

and all our contestants have to do

is see how many of the semi-digested animals you can identify

-by eating them.

-I am not having children

eating half-digested animals from a bear's stomach.

Come on, it's not like you haven't.

What?

Well, what do you think was in that curry I made the other night?

Oh...

Oh, dear. Excuse me a second. Sorry.

Chicken! Dave, it was just chicken!

Ha-ha-ha! No, it wasn't.

Any more of your tricks and I'll tell Pest Control where you are.

Yes...

Right, Georgia, Paramvir and Olivia, you are playing to win Year Spheres.

Each Year Sphere contains a historical date.

At the end of the show, your Year Sphere dates will be added up

with AD dates being added to your total

and BC dates being subtracted from it.

So, if these were your Year Spheres, for example, your total would be...

-Rattus?

-Three.

No, not quite.

At the end of the show, the person with the highest year score

will win a unique historical prize.

And it's something specially picked out of the time sewers

by my own fair paws, which gives you some idea of how good it is.

Or rather how bad it is.

Right, let's get this show on the road.

And to find out what this round's about, it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Rotten Romans.

Four questions on Rotten Romans coming up.

The person who gets the most right wins the first Year Sphere.

And your four Roman topics are...

Georgia, you get to pick first in this round.

-What are you going to go for?

-Legends.

Legends.

According to legend, Rome was founded by the twins Romulus and Remus.

But what animal is said to have acted as a mother to the twins?

Was it...

Let's see those answers now, please.

Look at that, Paramvir and Olivia agreeing on C,

Georgia's out on her own with B. Let's find out.

The answer is B. A wolf acted as their mother.

Well done, Georgia, you're up and running.

Paramvir, it's your turn to choose a topic.

I pick food.

Food.

Roman Emperor Elagabalus once served 600 what at a dinner party?

A, ostrich brains,

B, rat brains,

Or C, lion brains.

Well, complete agreement, they've all gone for A.

Let's find out if they're all right.

The answer is A, ostrich brains.

Ah, rat brains aren't even a good appetiser.

Oi, cheeky!

Well, they're far too small! Ha-ha.

OK, Olivia, your turn to pick a topic.

Nero.

Nero.

Prrrop question! Prop question! Prop question!

-Prop question! Prop question!

-Enough.

-Prop question! Prop...

-Enough. Good.

Evil Emperor Nero had his wife, Octavia, murdered.

But what did he do with her head?

Did he... A, have it sent to his new girlfriend,

B, hang it in his dining room,

Or C, throw it into the River Tiber.

Well, look at that.

Paramvir and Olivia agreeing on A,

Georgia out on her own with C.

The answer is...

A, he had his wife's head sent to his new girlfriend, Poppaea.

So now we have a three-way tie.

OK, one more question left in this round, it is on money

and this is what it is.

Here comes your question, ready or not.

Complete spread of different answers there, on show.

Let's see who's right.

The answer is...

That's right, Roman soldiers were paid in salt,

and that's where we get the word "salary" from.

Yeah, the rat knows all. Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, ah, trolley time!

Well, that decisive question

means that the winner of the first Year Sphere is Georgia.

Push, push, push, push!

It's a heavy trolley... Push, push, push.

Georgia, come and choose your Year Sphere.

Any one you like. But be warned. If it's a Stone Age date inside,

that could mean a few million points to be subtracted from your score

by someone who's better at maths than me.

Push, push, push, push....

Now, winning the quiz means that Georgia is automatically through

to play the Roman game.

But will she be alone, or will everyone get to play?

Let's find out.

It's an All Play Gory Game.

So, it's off down the time sewer with the lot of you.

Woo!

Ah. No!

-Bye, Dave!

-Bye. Breathe deeply.

These days, getting into an ancient fortress will cost you

about five quid, plus the price of the guide book.

But back in Roman times, it would cost some people their very lives.

It's time to play...

Yes, if Romans wanted to get into an enemy fortress,

they would use catapults to fire all sorts of awful things,

such as heavy rocks, hives of stinging bees

and even the severed heads of dead enemies.

Your challenge is to fire as many missiles

into your fortress target as possible.

The person who gets the most in the time limit wins the Year Sphere.

So, catapults at the ready. In three, two, one...

HORN BLARES

Here we go, then, with Savage Siege, and the head

coming straight out of the basket there for Olivia

and it's gone...and it's in!

She'd landed it, and so did Georgia over the other side.

Oh, well, Georgia's actually dropped her head on the floor.

That's, er, that's not what we're after at all.

Oh, it goes again, what a slippery head! That must be covered

in margarine, Rattus, I don't know what's going on.

Can she keep this one in the catapult?

Oh, she can! And look at that,

she only has to keep it in the catapult to land it,

it would seem. Tremendous stuff from both the girls, actually.

Paramvir, however, hasn't made a brilliant start.

He is lagging behind.

There's a sad-looking empty net there for Paramvir.

Two-each for the girls. He's going to have to try and find

his target and find it quickly

or he's going to be out of this completely.

Well... Oh, there we are! There we go. He swaps to a rock

and immediately he lands one.

Well, there's a lesson there for Paramvir.

The rocks fly well for the lad.

Do they ever! That's two he's got.

Superb! What a recovery, he's back in this. Three!

Paramvir's gone rock crazy!

It's rock, rock, rock all the way from Paramvir,

and he's right back in this.

It's a three-way tie, this is very exciting. Paramvir's in the lead!

Well, this is absolutely remarkable.

He was so far behind and now he leads...

And now he's going crazy! Well, he's just showing off now.

He's got five rocks on the trot...

Six! This is extraordinary.

I've never seen anything like this, he has nailed six rocks.

-GONG CHIMES

-30 seconds remaining.

Six rocks in consecutive shots, that was extraordinary.

But, 30 seconds remaining. There's Paramvir with his trusty rock.

Seven rocks.

But very nice from Olivia, keeping pace with him there.

Another rock on its way.

Oh, he's landed another one!

It was off, it bounced off the side

of the rear and it was straight in.

Paramvir, an exp... Hang on, he's put one in Olivia's basket!

That won't count. Don't panic, don't you worry about that.

'Time's up.'

And it's all over! It's all over.

And Paramvir may not roll, but, boy, does he rock!

'Horrible Histories Gory Games!'

Back behind your podiums, please.

Well played, everybody.

-In first place was Paramvir with eight.

-Yeah!

Yeah! So help yourself to a Year Sphere, Paramvir, well played.

When the Romans laid siege to the Gaulish stronghold of Avaricum,

the Gauls put up a great fight and only gave up

because it started to rain.

The Gauls thought the downpour was a sign that the gods were angry

with them. So they gave up and ran away.

Oh, I can understand that, Dave, rain's a pretty terrifying thing.

-No, it isn't.

-It is when you live in a storm drain.

Er, well, no, fair enough. Under those circumstances, I suppose.

On to round two.

And to find out what's up next, it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Frightful First World War.

Four questions again, and here are your all-important

World War One topics.

And Paramvir, it's your turn to pick first in this round.

-So what's it going to be?

-Food again.

Food again. That is a prop question.

That is a very syrupy coffee in a World War One mug. If you will.

True or false? When coffee supplies ran out,

people in Germany drank fake coffee

made with coal tar.

Let's see those answers now, please.

OK, Paramvir and Olivia agreeing on true.

Georgia has gone for false. I can tell you...

it's true. They also made it out of roasted acorns or beech nuts

or even turnips.

You know, hot water and turnip is one of my favourite brews.

It is.

-Really?

-True.

-Fascinating. Let's move on, though.

Olivia, it's your turn to pick a topic.

-Um, pigeons.

-Pigeons.

True or false?

The British Army used messenger pigeons to send messages,

so the Germans trained hawks and falcons to attack them.

Everybody's gone for true. Let's find out if they're right.

It's true! The Germans had squadrons of birds of prey,

who would be used to catch any pigeon flying back to Britain.

So next time you're scoffing a rotting pigeon,

-remember what they did for us during the war.

-I almost feel bad.

Almost. OK, Georgia, your turn to pick a topic.

Let's go for boots.

Boots is a question from Rattus Rattus.

I thank you. True or false?

Soldiers softened the tough leather of their boots by pouring

tomato ketchup on them.

Everybody has gone for false.

Total agreement once again. Are they all right, Rattus?

Yes, it's false! They used to wee on them. Ha-ha-ha!

It really softened the leather and, as an added bonus,

made them stink of wee. Ha!

Yes.

OK. One question left. Georgia, you can still catch up in this round.

The final question in this round is on tights.

True or false?

Scottish soldiers in World War One wore ladies' tights

to protect their legs during poison gas attacks.

Well, Georgia's gone for false.

Paramvir and Olivia have agreed on true. Let's find out who's right.

It's true! The tights helped stop poison gas from burning their skin.

At the end of that round, Georgia, I'm afraid you're not playing

in this tie-break, but Paramvir and Olivia, two maximums.

Tremendous, you can't get better than that. So, fingers on buzzers.

Beginning with T, what is the name of the ditches soldiers had...

-PHRRT!

-Paramvir.

-Trench.

Trenches is right. Well done, Paramvir.

Help yourself to another Year Sphere.

Paramvir, as the quiz winner, you're also through

to play the World War One game.

But will it be just you, or will the others get to play too?

Let's find out.

It's a Single Player Silly Game,

and it's waiting for you at the end of that time sewer.

To the time sewer at the double. Sir!

Back in World War One, there was one enemy

who would infiltrate your trench every single night,

and that enemy was rats.

They were probably just being friendly.

A likely story. Well, I'm afraid the soldiers weren't very friendly back.

It's time to play...

Just like the soldiers in those muddy trenches,

you've got to start splatting some rats.

Whack 15 rats with your spade within the time limit

to win the Year Sphere. And your time starts now!

So, Paramvir wields his shovel, he's straight off the mark there,

excellent start. Those are very thick eyebrows for a rat.

Quite rightly he's been bashed in the face.

Rattus is horrified by what he's seeing.

He's gone mute, which, you know,

is a bonus for me.

There's the one with the hat!

That would've been a regular army tin hat.

Remember, this is the First World War.

Everyone would have worn hats.

Probably not the rats, thinking about it,

but, er, tin hats nonetheless. And Paramvir now up to five strikes.

Oh, just a bit too slow across there.

-'30 seconds remaining.'

-He's not looking over here...

Oh, he's sidled over!

Oh, what technique!

He came over sideways without giving them the eye

and they thought they were perfectly safe

and then he absolutely hammered them.

Back with the wall bopper here, and this is your...

This is your meat and drink.

Oh, Dave, I have to say, those rats are like family.

In fact, some of them are! Uncle Duke! Uncle Fred!

Well, with a name like Uncle Duke,

he probably deserves everything he gets.

'Time's up.'

And it's all over! And Paramvir has scored 12.

Not enough for a Year Sphere.

'Horrible Histories Gory Games!'

Welcome back, Paramvir. Bad luck.

Put yourself behind your podium.

A very good score, 12, just not quite enough for the Year Sphere.

-How did you find it?

-Hard, challenging, but fun.

Well played, a very good effort.

Over to the Gory Grid to find out what's up next.

It's the Measly Middle Ages.

Four questions as always, and here are your four Middle Ages topics.

Olivia, it's your turn to pick first this time.

Um, I'm going to go for Black Death.

Black Death.

What did so-called flagellants in the Middle Ages do

to try and stop the Black Death?

A, they ate nothing but spiders' legs,

B, they whipped themselves for 33 days,

or C, they ate stinging nettles.

Let's see those answers now, please.

Everybody's gone for B, complete agreement. Are they all right?

The answer is B, they whipped themselves for 33 days.

Oh, I'd happily eat nothing but spiders' legs. Delish!

Yes... So, Georgia, it's your turn to pick a topic.

-Let's go for crime.

-Let's go for crime.

King Edward I's crown jewels were stolen from Westminster Abbey by...

A, a gang of monks,

B, a gang of schoolchildren,

or C, his own guards.

OK, complete agreement yet again.

So, are they all right this time?

The answer is A, a gang of monks.

And they got away with it too,

because monks were exempt from the law.

Which is no longer the case, for any monks watching!

No points in that question, but a point apiece,

so still all to play for.

Paramvir, I believe it's your turn to pick a topic.

I've picked 1066.

1066.

It's a right tricky one, this.

Look at that, Paramvir and Olivia agreeing on A.

Georgia out on her own with C. Let's find out who's right.

Here you go, the answer is...

Yes, though Harold's bodyguards,

the Housecarls, didn't do too good a job. Because he died.

They might've done a good job of guarding his body after he was dead.

Not really the point of bodyguards, Rattus.

So there we go, one question left in this round, and it is on popes.

What was the name of the pope during the First Crusade in 1095?

Ah, everybody going for B, which is Pope Urban II.

Let's find out if they're right.

So, points all round. But because Georgia got that one right,

she has just won herself another Year Sphere.

Georgia, you are through to play the Middle Ages game.

But will it be just you, or is everyone else coming along?

Let's find out.

It's a Single Player Silly Game.

So, Georgia, off down the time sewer with you.

Woo-hoo!

Off she goes.

It's time to go to France in the 1400s

to the court of King Louis XI, who has just

been delivered a surprising and original musical instrument.

It's time to play the...

The instrument consisted of pigs of different sizes and a keyboard.

Play a key and a little spike would prick a piggy and make it squeal.

The larger the pig, the deeper the squeal.

Your challenge is to listen to and repeat a sequence of piggy squeals.

The sequence will get one squeal longer each time.

Correctly repeat nine squeals within the time limit to win a Year Sphere.

Get one note wrong, however, and you're history.

-Let's get squealing.

-HORN BLARES

PIGS SQUEAL

So, here goes Georgia attempting to play the Pig Piano,

and the first sequence begins.

PIGS SQUEAL

Lovely start. Of course, this piano not so much a Steinway as a Styway.

Rattus...

Rattus... Oh, please yourself.

Second sequence complete.

She's doing very well. She's made an excellent start.

Can I just apologise for my Styway comment there?

Er, unfortunately I read Rattus' joke book. It won't happen again.

PIGS SQUEAL

Georgia moving through this challenge effortlessly

at the moment.

-PHRRT!

-Hello, the little one's just let

one go, and what a cloud of parp that was.

It came out of his backside like a small tornado of guff.

But it's not put Georgia off in the slightest.

What concentration! What concentration she's showing here!

Amazing, she seems to be impervious to the smell of piggy wind.

Maybe she's from a long line of pig farmers.

Now, how's she going to get on with this one?

PIGS SQUEAL

She's doing extremely well, pressing the right combination.

And if she were to make a mistake, Rattus, it'd be poo time.

One can only hope that's what's going to happen, Dave.

Well, it is always nice to see the contestants

covered from head to foot in poo,

but you've got to admire the technique

and the sheer brain power here.

She's just remembering stuff.

And, Rattus, I'm beginning to wonder whether that Alice band

she's wearing, as well as making her hair look lovely,

does it actually hold her massive brain in place?

Well, be that as it may, this is her last sequence.

She's studying it very carefully, and here she goes.

Nice. Nice.

And nice.

Very nice. Nice.

Eh, oh, now... Now, there's a hesitation. This is often fatal.

She's recovered slightly but... Oh, she's not sure.

Yeah, that's right, she's done it!

She has done it.

And Georgia has played the Pig Piano like a virtuoso.

Welcome back, well played. Help yourself to another Year Sphere.

Tremendous effort. Well done, Georgia.

Moving swiftly on to something completely different.

Time for the final round.

Over to the Gory Grid to find out who we've got.

It's the Vile Victorians. Good day.

No quirky quiz in our final round,

it's straight to our big All Play Game.

And this one is sca-a-a-ry!

Everyone, time to get down that time sewer. Lead on, Olivia.

-Yahoo!

-Woo-hoo!

-Wee-hee!

-Wee-hee!

-Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

-Woo-ho!

This most gruesome game is based on the criminals

who stole bodies from graveyards to sell to surgeons,

who wanted to experiment on the corpses to find out

more about how the human body works. Let's play....

You are a rotten robber.

Your challenge, to steal three bodies from the graveyard,

get them through the railings, onto the carts,

find the key to the cemetery gate,

and get them onto the surgeon's table. If you hear this noise...

WHISTLE

..rush to the cemetery and hide, so the policeman doesn't spot you.

A second whistle means you can go again.

The first person to get all their bodies to the surgeon's table

and grab their dodgy money is the winner.

Three, two, a-one...

-HORN BLARES

-And there they go, grave robbing.

We're underway. Let's see how many corpses we can get out

to the surgeons before we get nicked by the rozzers. And look at this,

what a start from Olivia, she is through there.

Paramvir is trying the pushing method.

It never works as well as the pull.

Look, he's giving him an absolute shove, that corpse,

and through he goes. Look at this from Olivia,

she's already... Hang on, what's going on?

She's going back... She hasn't taken the correct corpse.

Rattus, this is extraordinary, she's gone back, stolen from a corpse.

She's stolen the key.

Well, let's see how she gets on.

The others have caught up here now,

and they are at the cemetery gates, all of them.

So Paramvir has done it and so, too, has Georgia,

and the first corpses are there for the surgeons.

There they are, they're down. And they must go back

and collect another one, and Olivia, after a fantastic start,

seems to be lagging well behind. There go the wobbly trolleys.

Rattus, you helped to design those trolleys.

I certainly did. They stopped short at making the wheels square, Dave,

which I thought would be amusing for everybody, except those taking part.

Well, absolutely, and Paramvir, for me, needs to try and change

this pushing technique, because it does slow him down.

Georgia's stolen a march on him there, she's back in the lead.

Look at the corpses hanging off the trolley there!

But she's still battling on.

Oh, and Olivia's through! She's through the gate at last.

-WHISTLE

-And there's the policeman's whistle.

Now they've got to get back, Rattus.

They've got to get behind those gravestones,

and then they have got to keep schtum, real schtum!

If that policeman was to spot any of them,

-it would be life imprisonment at best.

-Quite right, Dave.

There he is, there goes our policeman.

He's six foot two, his favourite sport is rugby

and he enjoys dancing and travelling.

And he's one of the least observant policemen I've ever seen

because he's missed all three of them there.

If his boss hears about this, he'll be back parking horses for a living.

-WHISTLE

-They're back in the game!

And they've got to quickly get back to exactly where they were

when the whistle blew in the first place.

And where they were is Paramvir in the lead with that

reverse technique, he runs backwards, but he lets himself down,

he slows himself up with this push.

If he could take this push out of his game

he would be unbeatable at this.

Look at that yank taking place at the end there from Georgia.

She had the corpse by its hair.

And she's really going to have to go some to catch Paramvir now.

Paramvir puts his final corpse down!

He's got the purse of monies, the ill-gotten monies.

He's just got to get up the edge... And he's forgotten his trolley!

Can Georgia catch him?

Here she comes!

And it's Paramvir, he's through the railings at the end

and he jumps for joy because he is the best grave robber

out of those three.

Paramvir, help yourself to a Year Sphere, well done.

What an excellent, excellent game that was.

Now, Olivia, what happened with that lock?

Key opening has never been one of my qualities.

Do you struggle with your front door?

I just usually just knock and someone's there.

Maybe you should have tried that. At the cemetery gates.

Bad luck, I felt for you. Well done, Georgia, that was good.

-Have you ever done any grave robbing before?

-No.

-No?

I don't think I ever want to try it.

That's your last time? What about you, Paramvir? You're very good.

Never done it before, might try again.

You might, you MIGHT try again?

Brilliant. You have three Year Spheres,

Georgia. Paramvir, you've got three. Olivia, you haven't got any.

But, because of the BC year totals, it's quite possible

that you could win today's star prize with no Year Spheres.

OK, time to count up those Year Spheres. And remember,

AD dates are added to your total and BC dates are subtracted from it.

Georgia, let's open up that first one, see what you've got.

1042 AD, Edward the Confessor became King of England that year.

1348 AD, the Black Death hit England.

But let's have a look at that third sphere.

1760 AD. George III becomes King,

which means you have a positive total, that's 4,150.

Olivia, that means that you can no longer win, I'm afraid.

Paramvir, let's have a look at your first sphere.

450 BC, the first set of Roman laws were written that year.

1837 AD, Queen Victoria was crowned that year.

You need a very large AD total,

in fact, you need one from the future and we haven't got any,

but let's have a look what you got anyway.

It's 1453 AD,

the end of the Hundred Years' War that year.

And you have ended up with a total of 2,840.

That means that today's winner,

with a total of 4,150 points, is Georgia,

who'll be taking home the star prize.

And believe me, the word impressive really doesn't do it justice

because it's not at all impressive. What is it, Rattus?

Today's prize is a beautiful Incan flute

made from the hollowed-out arm bone of an enemy soldier.

This time, Rattus, you have definitely gone too far.

I'll take that as a compliment. Con-rat-ulations, Georgia!

-Here you go, Georgia, well done.

-Thank you.

Sorry it's made from a dead man's arm and everything.

Still, put it on a high wall, you won't have to look at it too much.

It just remains for me to say thank you to Georgia,

Paramvir and Olivia, and no thanks whatsoever to Rattus.

Dave, you know full well your life would be empty without me.

You've been watching Gory Games. Goodbye.

# Was that show messy enough for you

# Or would you have preferred a little more poo

# Have you had your fill of blood, guts and gore

# Or have we left you still wanting more?

# Well, keep watching We'll be back again

# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

# Horrible Histories Gory...

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