Episode 11 HH: Gory Games

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# You'd better turn off This show ain't for you

# Still watching?

# Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible Histories: Gory Games

# Horrible Histories: Gory...Games! #

Hello, and welcome to Gory Games with me, Dave Lamb,

and my able assistant...

Right, where is he?

Oh, oh, oh, sorry I'm late, Dave. I had to take a bit of a detour.

A crowd of autograph hunters was waiting for me.

-Are you sure they weren't from the BBC's pest control?

-Oh!

-You might be right.

-I think I might be.

This is the show where you get to test your knowledge

of Horrible Histories with quirky quiz questions

and gloriously gory games. Let's crack on

and meet our Horrible Historians.

Hi, I'm Lucy.

Hi, my name's Matty.

Hi, I'm Rhyanna.

Welcome, one and all.

For our little warm-up today I thought we could play...

-No, no, I think we've all had enough of your stupid warm-up games.

-Eh?

Yep. Today we start with an entirely unsuitable game of my choosing.

-But...

-Yep, it's the classic Victorian game of ratting

-where you get a vicious dog and see how many rats you can kill.

-Eh?

Yep, let's get on with it. Bruiser, here, boy!

-Come on, Bruiser. Come on, Bruiser.

-Oh, no! Not on my watch!

Come on, Bruiser. Come on, Bruiser.

HE LAUGHS

There he is. Do a jump, do a jump.

Ho-ho!

That is not in any way funny.

I beg to differ. I think it's very funny.

Right, Lucy, Matty and Rhyanna, you are playing to win year spheres.

Each year sphere contains a historical date.

At the end of the show, your year sphere dates will be added up,

with AD dates added to your total and BC dates being subtracted from it.

So if these were your year spheres, your total would be, Rattus?

Hm? Er, more than some but less than lots?

735.

Like I said.

At the end of the show, the person with the highest year score

will win a fantastic prize, as selected by yours truly.

So, as you can imagine, not fantastic at all.

Right, let's get cracking.

Who's this round about? Over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Gorgeous Georgians.

Four questions on Gorgeous Georgians coming up.

The person who gets the most right wins the first year sphere.

And your four Georgian topics are...

Lucy, you get to go first in this round.

-What topic would you like to choose?

-Cheese.

Cheese. That is a prop question.

Oh! Ho-ho. Delish!

True or false?

Georgians used to eat Stilton cheese teeming with mites and maggots,

and used a special spoon to eat the mites and maggots as well.

Is that true or is that false? Let's see your answers now, please.

Look at that. Everybody's going for true.

I can tell you that it is true. Congratulations.

-Dave.

-What?

-Can I have the maggots?

-Help yourself.

There we go, a point apiece. Excellent start.

-Matty, it's your turn to choose a topic.

-Dentist.

Dentist.

True or false?

Dentists would sometimes replace rotten adults' teeth

with healthy teeth pulled out of a child's mouth.

There we go. Complete agreement once again, everyone going for true.

Are they all right or are they all wrong?

It's true. See if you can spot my one.

It's good, isn't it?

It's lovely. Excellent, well, a superb start, 100% so far.

-Rhyanna, your turn to choose a topic.

-Posh people, please.

Posh people.

OK, here we go. Good luck.

And everyone in total agreement once again.

Let's see if they're right.

OK, in fact it's...

false.

The lady was allowed to go to the toilet,

but she had to ask permission from the King, then wee into a jug

held between her knees that was hidden under her dress.

Ha-ha-ha! That is 100% accu-rat.

I just hope the lady was!

HE LAUGHS

Oh, get on... Get on with the show. I'm going to laugh myself silly.

Try and hold it in.

Well done. No-one got that one right. Bad luck.

There's only one question left in this round.

It's neck and neck. Your final question is on Lord Wellington.

True or false?

Lord Wellington encouraged all his officers to use umbrellas

on the battlefield to protect themselves from the rain.

Look at this, everybody agreeing once again.

Everybody's gone for false. What's the answer?

It's false. Wellington banned umbrellas. He didn't want officers

to make themselves ridiculous in the eyes of the enemy.

I imagine Wellington was happy for them to wear Wellington boots,

seeing as they're named after him, eh? Ha!

So, at the end of that round, it's a three-way tie,

which means fingers on buzzers.

Beginning with the letter S,

the Georgian snack consisting of a piece of meat held between

two pieces of bread was named after the fourth Earl of what?

Matty?

-Sandwich?

-Sandwich is the correct answer. Well done, Matty.

You have won the quiz. Choose your year sphere from our trolley wally.

Ugh! Push, push, push, push, push.

I hate this trolley before anyone's won one. It's so heavy.

Matty, come and choose your year sphere, any one you like.

Be warned. One sphere could contain a Stone Age date

worth a few million minus points.

Push, push, push, push, push, bye!

So winning the quiz means that Matty is automatically through to play

the Georgian Game, but will he be alone or will everyone get to play?

Let's find out.

It's a Single Play Silly Game so that means, Matty,

it's off down the time sewer on your own.

Urgh, disgusting.

It is disgusting, I'm afraid.

Picture the scene. It's 21st October 1805

and the greatest naval hero in British history, Lord Admiral Nelson,

is leading the Royal Navy against

the combined powers of the French and Spanish Navy.

It's time to play:

You are a British Navy gunner.

Your mission - to load, aim and fire your cannon at the enemy ships.

You score a point for every enemy ship you shoot

and lose a point for every British ship you hit.

Score six points in the time limit to win your year sphere

and battle begins now.

So here goes Matty, then, on the Battle Of Trafalgar.

Let's hope he doesn't get seasick, Rattus,

because that platform wobbles about

to simulate a ship's movement at sea.

Well, he's made a very good start.

He's already taken out one of the enemy ships.

He needs six, of course, to win himself the year sphere.

That's right, Dave.

And there's another one.

He's very good at this. He may have done this before.

Two in a row. Amazing.

Look at that loading technique.

And there's a third!

A third Spanish galleon bites the dust

or whatever the sea equivalent of dust is.

Plankton? Bites the plankton.

He's winged that one as well!

Here comes the seagull, Rattus. What do you think about that?

I love the seagull, Dave.

He's a very nice seagull. Let's hope he doesn't get horribly destroyed.

He's missed the seagull and all the ships with that one.

So, having made a very good start, he's gone slightly off the boil.

Possibly something to do with the smoke of battle.

-30 seconds remaining.

-Oh, another one!

I think he's only got one more to get.

I think he only needs one more to win this challenge

and he's already there. He's loaded up again.

Is this going to be the shot that wins it? It is!

Yeah! He's done it!

-Matty wins the Battle Of Trafalgar all on his own.

-Remarkable.

Welcome back, Matty. Help yourself to another year sphere. Excellent.

Is that a good one? Is that a bad one? We just don't know.

So, Matty, have you ever shot at an enemy ship before?

-You seem to be quite good at it.

-No.

You've never actually fired on an enemy vessel yourself?

-Yet.

-Yet? Yeah, yet.

There could be a career there for you. It was a superb effort.

It's time for round two.

To find out who's up next, it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Measly Middle Ages.

Four questions again.

Here are your all-important Middle Ages topics:

Matty, it's your turn to pick first this time. What do you fancy?

-Execution.

-Execution.

What happened at the execution of the Earl of Lancaster in 1322?

(A) There was an earthquake.

(B) There was a snowball fight.

(C) The executioner forgot to bring his axe.

Let's see those answers.

They have agreed again. This is almost like they're psychic!

Everyone's gone for (C). Let's see what the answer is.

The answer is (B).

At the earl's execution, there was a snowball fight.

So not a psychic thing, then! They all got it wrong.

-Ha-ha!

-So no points to be awarded there.

-Rhyanna, it's your turn to pick a topic.

-Weird.

Weird.

What was unusual about Charles VI of France?

Did he think he was (A) a horse,

(B) made of glass, or

(C) an alien?

And they have disagreed for the first time today.

Lucy and Matty still agree.

They've gone with (A). Rhyanna has struck out on her own with (B).

Let's see who's right.

The answer is (B).

Poor Charles thought he was made of glass.

He must have been shattered. Ha-ha!

It's like a play on words, Dave!

-Sounds like she's stolen your joke book.

-Huh.

Rhyanna, well done. Striding out on your own has helped.

You've picked up a point.

-Lucy, it's your turn to pick a topic.

-Monks.

Monks.

Roger Bacon was a Middle Ages monk who liked to experiment with what?

Lucy and Matty still yet to disagree on anything,

both gone for C. Rhyanna on her own with A.

The answer is (A), gunpowder.

The Chinese invented it, but Brother Bacon improved it

and made it popular in Europe.

The Church didn't approve and he was thrown into prison for ten years.

Naughty monk-y. Ha!

Yeah. So, Rhyanna, ever since you split from Matty and Lucy,

you've started doing very well.

Two points, superb! And there's only one question left in this round,

so you can't be caught, so we're not going to ask it.

-Well done. You've won a year sphere.

-Yay!

-Go and get it.

Rhyanna, as quiz winner you're also through to play the Middle Ages Game,

but will it be just you or will the others get to play, too?

Let's find out.

It's an All Play Gory Game,

so that means it's off down the time sewer with the lot of you.

Lead the way, Rhyanna.

HE COUGHS

I don't think they like it in there.

William the Conqueror certainly liked a bit of gore,

so he probably would have enjoyed his own funeral.

His servants stole all his jewels,

his body was so bloated it exploded and the church caught fire.

It's time to play:

You are William's servants and your challenge is

to take his treasure and put it in your chest.

All the treasure is colour-coded and you must only take your own colour.

Whoever collects the most pieces wins the year sphere.

Oh, half way through, William's stomach is going to explode.

Oh, I never tire of this game.

And be quick cos the church is going to burn down too.

Time starts now.

HORN SOUNDS

Here we go, then, with Yuckaroo.

The contestants leap into action...

..quite slowly.

There we go. Oh, there we go. There's the first bit of treasure.

Matty stealing a little goblet. And Rhyanna, look.

She's got a goblet as well. Well played, Rhyanna, two goblets.

William the Conqueror won't really miss them much, though.

Ooh, a matching pair there.

Dave, I have to say, I hope at my funeral no-one steals my treasures.

There's little risk of that, Rattus,

given that all your treasures are maggot-infested carcases.

I don't know why you're looking at me like that, it's definitely the case.

There's two more goblets going in there.

One for Rhyanna, one for Lucy.

They've just stolen goblets so far. What's Matty got here?

It's another goblet and is that another one? Was it Rhyanna?

Seven goblets! Are they going to steal anything else, I wonder?

We see Lucy working away on the crown there,

which has to be the most valuable bit of treasure,

but she wins no extra points for that.

They're all taking a very long time and they're chatting, Rattus.

I'm not sure that's the right way to play.

You need to be concentrating, thinking about what you're doing,

not having a chinwag.

Oh, whoa!

That's woken them up! William the Conqueror's stomach's exploded

and it's covered them all in its unspeakable contents.

You have to say, it's not sped them up any.

These are the slowest thieves I've ever seen.

They're going, "Ooh, I want this. I might steal it...eventually."

-That's disgusting!

-Come on, pull it off.

30 seconds remaining.

Oh, a plate at last. Well, have a good look at it, Rhyanna, first!

There it goes, it's in. And the church is now on fire,

so they're going to have to get out of there.

They're going to have to get out of there,

and get out of there quicker than they've done their stealing

because this has been some very, very slow theft.

If anything, Rattus, they're getting slower.

They're slowing down as the end approaches.

This is extraordinary! I've never seen anything like it.

And there's the hooter. The game is over.

Look at that. It's a three-way tie.

Back behind your podiums, please.

Everybody got four bits of treasure.

You agree on everything

and now you're scoring exactly the same points as each other.

What it does mean is that you get a year sphere each.

Lucy, if you'd like to help yourself first.

Matty, you go and grab one as well.

And Rhyanna also.

It's raining year spheres here today. Extraordinary.

Did you know? When William besieged Alencon in 1048,

the townsfolk mocked him as the son of a leather tanner,

so he took 34 prisoners, chopped off their hands and feet

and threw the severed limbs over the walls.

What's rude about calling someone the son of a leather tanner?

Well, leather tanners used to make leather by dipping it in poo

and it's an insult because they used to spend so much time in poo.

What's so rude about calling someone the son of a leather tanner?

Over his head.

Over to the Gory Grid now. What's up next?

It's the Frightful First World War.

Four questions as always. Here are your four First World War topics...

Rhyanna, it's your turn to lead us off this time. What's it going to be?

Water.

-Water. That is a prop question.

-Ooh, ooh, good, cos I'm thirsty.

Go on then, Rattus.

-All right, that's enough.

-Thank you.

-You've got a little bit on your nose there.

-Thank you.

There we go. True or false?

Water was sometimes in short supply in the trenches so soldiers resorted

to drinking water collected in shell holes or holes made by bombs.

Let's see those answers now, please.

They're all agreeing with each other again.

I can tell you that you are all absolutely right. It's true.

And the grimy water was a common cause of diarrhoea.

Oh, oh...

Gangway!

Thank heavens he left.

Excellent.

Well, that's a point each. Bang, bang, three points.

Lucy, your turn to pick a topic.

-Frostbite, please.

-Frostbite.

True or false?

A recommended World War One cure for frostbite

was to rub the frostbitten area with freezing snow.

And they're totally agreeing with each other again.

This is very excellent. Let's hear the answer.

It's true. Although, in my experience,

rubbing the frozen bit with freezing snow didn't help much.

Well, that's probably because it does make it worse.

-Rattus, better?

-Er...

-Matty, your turn to pick a topic.

-Planes.

Planes. That is a question from Rattus-Rattus.

I thank you.

True or false?

A fight between two planes was called a catfight.

A little bit of disagreement this time.

Matty and Rhyanna are going for false. Lucy has gone for true.

Rattus, what's the answer?

It's false.

It was a dogfight. Ha!

Actually, I'm all in favour of catfights and dogfights.

Gives them less time to rat-fight.

I can understand that.

OK, on to the final question of this round. It's about goldfish.

True or false?

Goldfish were banned from battle areas because water was precious.

Everybody back in total agreement once again.

Everybody's gone for true. Let's hear what the answer is.

It's false. Goldfish were very useful.

After a gas attack, we rinsed out our gas masks with water

and popped in a goldfish.

If it died, the gas mask was still poisonous

and needed to be washed again.

This meant you lived to see another day, er, unlike the goldfish.

So, that's the end of the round and, Lucy, unfortunately,

you're history for now on this round. Matty and Rhyanna,

it's time to put your fingers on your buzzers

because we're in another tie-break situation.

Beginning with the letter T,

what heavily armoured vehicle was first used in World War One?

Matty?

-Tank.

-Tank is absolutely right. Well done, Matty,

Help yourself to another year sphere.

Matty has four, Rhyanna has two, Lucy has one,

but because there's lots of BC years in those spheres,

it's quite possible that Lucy's in the lead.

So, Matty, you're through to play the World War One game

but is it just you or will everyone else play, too? Let's find out.

It's a Single Player Brainy Game, so get your thinking cap on

and get down that time sewer.

-Eugh!

-And he was gone.

It's time to play:

Your challenge is to work out which five of these kit items

soldiers in the trenches would have had,

and which two they would not have had.

Choose five, move them to the kit board,

then touch the stinky army boot to find out how many you've got right.

Be warned, soldiers used to soften their boots with wee.

Keep trying new combinations until you've got all five

but be quick, you're against the clock. Your time starts now.

So here goes Matty, then, with crucial kit

and first off he's gone for newspapers.

Absolutely crucial. You have to know what's happening in the world.

There's the second one going up there, a gas mask.

I think we can safely assume he's right with that.

In goes shovel as his third choice.

He seems very confident. I think he seems to know what he's doing here.

He certainly does. Matty is certainly a quiet young man.

A God-fearing man. He's put a Bible up there as well.

There goes sleeping bag as his fifth choice.

He touches the old smelly boot.

You have four right.

He's got four right.

The sleeping bag's come off.

The chocolate's going straight back on and I think he's done it, Rattus.

You have all five right.

-He's done it.

-Done it with chocolate.

Yeah, First World War, fifth year sphere.

Matty, here he comes again. Grab another year sphere.

Well done. You're quite right, sunglasses were expensive,

so ordinary soldiers wouldn't have had them

and only officers had sleeping bags. So there we are.

That is what we call a full house.

You now have no more room left on your podium,

so we could be in a bit of trouble in a minute.

Time for the final round. Over to the Gory Grid to find out what we've got.

It's the Rotten Romans.

No quirky quiz in our final round.

It's straight to our big All Play Roman End Game.

Everybody, get down that time sewer.

See ya.

-Bye.

-Eugh.

Emperor Vitellius was famous for eating like an absolute pig,

the kind of pig that even other pigs think eats too much.

HE LAUGHS AND SNORTS

Ooh, made a noise like a pig. You're very funny. Hee-hee.

It's time to play:

Horrible Historians, your challenge is to collect

Emperor Vitellius' favourite pheasant brain and flamingo tongue pies,

along with fish and grapes, and fling them into his mouth.

The person who gets the most pies or fish or grapes

into Vitellius' gob within the time limit wins the year sphere.

But be warned, half way through, a servant is going to spill

a cauldron of garum sauce made out of rotten fish guts.

Oh, scrummy!

So things will get mighty slippy out there.

Ready, steady, fling those pies.

And off they go to fling their pies, fish and grapes

into Vitellius' open gob.

It's an excellent start from Lucy and Matty, already scoring,

and Matty gets a second point.

A rip-roaring start from Matty.

Rhyanna on the scoreboard as well.

Some grapes entering the mouth there from both of them.

From all of them.

Oh, they're scoring nicely here, very nicely indeed.

Rhyanna's got a great smile on her face.

She's clearly enjoying herself out there.

And Matty hurls that fish in and takes a two-point lead,

opening up a nice little gap. Could be useful later on.

That was a rather haphazard fling, that fish.

End over end, disappointingly short.

It's very tight at the top, though, very tight indeed.

They're moving up and down their lanes very easily.

Once the garum sauce has been dropped on them,

they won't move like that.

I think it will change.

It will become a damp game.

I'll tell you who hates the garum sauce.

Keithus Maximus there at the end.

He hates it because, at the end of the game, he has to clear it up.

He didn't join the Roman Catering Supervision Corps to clear that up.

There he is. He's an excellent catering supervisor.

Been working for Vitellius for five years now.

He says he wants to travel in the future.

Well, he may not get the chance if this carries on.

Oh, there's the garum sauce!

Oh, dear me! It's landed right on top of Matty.

Let's hope he hasn't drowned because that was...

-There goes Rhyanna!

-Rhyanna's over.

And we thought this might happen. As soon as the lane gets soaking wet,

it's very difficult to stand up.

Poor old Matty may not stand up again throughout the whole of this game.

He may not actually get back to his feet.

And Keithus Maximus is powerless.

All he can do is look on and possibly throw in

a life ring if it gets terrible. Matty literally can't stand up.

Rhyanna's the same and there's Lucy.

Will she make it up the whole length of the lane whilst the garum sauce...

I've never seen this before. She's going to make it!

She gets another shot in. Extraordinary.

It didn't go in but an excellent effort

-to get up the lane. Matty won't be troubling us again.

-Time's up.

Matty and Lucy have a year sphere each

and Keithus Maximus is going to be here till midnight.

Back behind your podiums.

I'm glad to see you've tidied yourselves up a little bit.

That's good, excellent. Well, that went well.

-How did you feel that went, Rhyanna?

-My poor hair.

Your poor hair. It's only rotten fish guts.

-Only?!

-It's good. It's moisturising.

-For you, maybe.

-For Rattus it is, yes.

-Lucy, how did you find it out there?

-Slippy.

Slippy once the guts had fallen, but before that it was all right.

-Yeah.

-Very good.

Matty, how did you find it? You spent quite a lot of time on the ground

after the garum sauce had dropped down.

-You didn't really stand up very much after that.

-No.

OK, Lucy and Matty, you've scored six each so you both win a year sphere.

Lucy, if you'd like to help yourself.

Well done.

Matty, pick a year sphere and bring it over to me.

I will look after it until it's time to open it.

I promise not to look at it.

There we go, it's sat there.

Let's look at those year spheres.

Lucy, what's in your first one?

1479 BC, I'm afraid.

Egyptian Queen Hatshepsut came to the throne that year.

Oh, it's 2184 BC.

Egyptian King Pepi II died aged 100 that year.

I'm afraid that means you've ended up with a score of minus 3,663.

Matty, that's what you've got to beat.

Let's have a look at your first one.

78 AD, Romans conquered Wales that year.

Oh, it's 377 BC.

It's bad but it's not disastrous.

The death of Hippocrates, the father of medicine.

978 AD.

Ethelred the Unready became King of England that year.

Oh, it's 4000 BC.

Stone Age man started farming in Britain then

but you could still catch it up, I think.

Let's look at that last one.

1789 AD.

The French Revolution started.

And your final year sphere, I shall bring over to you.

If you could open it and keep it held in your hand.

1845 AD. The Great Potato Famine in Ireland.

What a range of little numbers you have there.

You have ended up with a score of plus 313. You are in the lead.

Now, Rhyanna, you can win it here with these two.

You've only got 313 to beat.

Let's have a look at your first one.

1642 AD. The start of the English Civil War.

It's all on the turn of this last sphere. What have you got there?

It's 1 million BC!

-Oh!

-Oh, no!

Round about then, Stone Age man first came to Britain.

So you have ended up with a total of minus 998,358,

which means that, Matty, with a total of 313 points, you are our winner

and you will be taking home our star prize,

which you'll want to display proudly,

in a locked box under the floorboards in a dark room because

all of our prizes are plucked from the time sewer

by my flea-bitten friend here. So what have you got for us, Rattus?

Dave, prepare to be amazed

because today I have a personal possession of perhaps

the country's greatest monarch ever to have lived, Queen Victoria.

Really?

Prepare to marvel at the majesty and gasp at the glory

of her really massive pants!

Would you look at those bulging bloomers?!

RATTUS LAUGHS

She had a 50-inch waist. 50-inch waist, you know!

Rattus, it is not dignified to laugh at a monarch's underwear.

They are pretty funny though, aren't they?

Anyway, con-rat-ulations, Matty.

Well done, Matty, there you go.

-Thank you.

-Some massive pants for you there, vaguely from history.

Well, it just remains for me to say thanks to Matty, to Rhyanna

and to Lucy, and no thanks whatsoever to Rattus.

Oh, ho-ho! Pleasure as always, Dave.

You've been watching Gory Games. Goodbye.

# Was that show messy enough for you?

# Or would you have preferred a little more poo?

# Have you had your fill of blood, guts and gore?

# Or have we left you still wanting more?

# Well, keep watching

# We'll be back again

# With Horrible Histories: Gory Games

# Horrible Histories: Gory...Games! #