Episode 12 HH: Gory Games

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# You better turn off This show ain't for you

# Still watching? Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

# Horrible Histories Gory...

# ..Games! #

Hello and welcome to Gory Games with me, Dave Lamb,

-and my assistant, Rattus Rattus.

-That's me.

All right, all right, all right. Not so close, please, Rattus.

It's a well-known fact that rats are riddled with diseases.

Oh, are they now?

Well, I'll have you know that there are as many diseases

-on your hairbrush as there are on an average rat.

-Is that true?

-Well, there are since I started using your hairbrush.

-Oh, Rattus!

Ah, for heaven's sake.

Ugh. Of course, fleas and disease are everywhere on this show,

which takes you through the most horrible parts of history,

testing your knowledge of the perilous past

in a foul feast of fun.

So, let's meet our Horrible Historians.

-Hi, I'm Oliver.

-Hi, Oliver.

-Hi, Dave. I'm Kayley.

-Hi, Kayley.

-Hi, I'm Omari.

-Hi, Omari.

As a warm-up game, I think we should go all the way back

to Scotland in Georgian times, so I can reintroduce

my favourite ever historical game called Bash The Barrel.

Back then, the barrel would be hung from a tree

and the players would gallop to it on horseback and try to smash it open.

Of course, we decided that horse riding was far too dangerous.

Very sensible for once.

Yes, so our contestants will just run up to the barrel

and keep smashing it until the cat falls out.

-OK, get ready. Three, two, one...

-Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Until the WHAT falls out?

Didn't I mention? They would put a cat inside the barrel

-and when it falls out, you get to kill it. Right, three, two...

-No.

No way. No-one is bashing a cat. All right? Not on my watch.

What is wrong with you? They're cats, Dave.

Yes, but cats are lovely. People like cats, I like cats.

How are you, little pussykins?

Don't worry, no-one's going to bash you today.

-BABY VOICE:

-No-one's going to bash you today.

That sort of thing shouldn't be allowed on television.

I feel sick. Can we move on, please?

Right, Oliver, Kayley, Omari, you are playing to win Year Spheres.

Each Year Sphere contains a historical date,

and at the end of the show, your Year Sphere dates will be added up,

with AD dates being added to your total

and BC dates being subtracted from it.

So if these were your Year Spheres, your total would be... Rattus?

Mm? Um...

HE MUTTERS

Bearing in mind that the answer is 735.

-15!

-Oh, dear.

At the end of the show, the person with the highest year score

will win a horribly historical prize.

And I picked it out myself,

so you have my word that it will be genuinely historic.

As well as genuinely horrible. Right, let's get cracking.

And to find out what this round's about, it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Frightful First World War.

Four questions on the Frightful First World War.

The person who gets the most right wins the first Year Sphere.

And your four First World War topics are...

Oliver, it's your turn to pick first in this round. What'll you have?

-Lice.

-Lice.

That is a question from Mr Rattus Rattus.

It certainly is. HE CLEARS THROAT

True or false?

One soldier in World War One was found to be carrying

10,428 lice on his body.

So is the answer true or is it false? Show me now.

So they've all gone for true. What's the answer, Rattus?

They're all right, it's true.

He also had 10,253 lice eggs on him.

RATTUS LAUGHS

I tried to count my lice once. But they just wouldn't keep still.

Oh, there goes another one. Oh, I think it landed on you, Dave.

Oh, not again! Rattus, you've got to control your lice.

Kayley, it's your turn to pick a topic.

-Weapons.

-Weapons. Let's hear that question.

True or false?

On September 15th, 1916,

the British unveiled the first ever submarine.

Is that true or false?

OK, Kayley and Omari have gone for true. Oliver on his own with false.

-Let's find out what the answer is.

-It's false.

They unveiled the first ever tank.

Tanks were originally called land ships,

but we soldiers thought they looked more like a water tank,

and the name stuck.

I did not know that.

-Well, now you do.

-Yeah.

Omari, your turn to pick a topic.

-I'm going to go for Pigeons.

-Pigeons, let's hear that question.

True or false?

It didn't matter how hungry you were in the trenches,

you never ate a messenger pigeon.

Let's see your answers now, please.

There we go. Oliver and Kayley going for true.

Omari this time on his own with false. Let's find out.

It's false. Pigeon pie is very tasty.

And if there were no messages to send, you may as well eat one!

Not that I ever did. No, no.

So Oliver and Omari are level, Kayley just one behind

with one question remaining.

The final question in this round is on Bombs.

And it is a prop question.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Dave, what have you got there?

It is actually a bucket of poo.

-RATTUS LAUGHS

-He loves poo. This is the question.

True or false? In World War One, animal poo was used to make bombs.

Let's see those answers now, please.

The boys agreeing on true, Kayley on her own this time with false.

The answer is true.

The bombs in the First World War used the explosive TNT,

which was made from glycerine, which comes from fat,

which could be extracted from animal poo.

So just by going to the loo in the morning,

a pig could've done its bit for the war effort. Very nice.

Excellent. Well, Oliver and Omari, you have tied that round.

So fingers on buzzers, it's tiebreak time.

Beginning with the letter G,

which country was ruled by Kaiser Wilhelm during the First World War?

TOILET FLUSHES

-Yes, Oliver.

-Was it Germany?

It was Germany. Well done, Oliver, you have won the first Year Sphere.

Wow.

Let's just hope it doesn't contain a Stone Age stinker,

which could be worth a few million minus points.

Oh, push, push, push, push,

push, push, push, push, push, push, push, push, push.

Come and choose your Year Sphere.

That one, excellent. Bye! Push, push, push, push, push, push.

Winning means Oliver's through to play the World War One game.

But will he be alone or will the others get to play too?

Let's find out.

It's a Single Player Silly Game.

So, Oliver, get yourself down that Time Sewer.

Very quick.

In World War One, the British soldiers

would often wake to find their trenches overrun

with troublesome rats.

Or to put it another way,

some harmless rats would often wake to find their field overrun

with troublesome soldiers.

It's an interesting perspective... that I'm going to entirely ignore,

as we play...

Yes, just like the soldiers in those muddy trenches, you've got to start

splatting some rats. Whack 15 rats with your spade

within the time limit to win the Year Sphere.

And your time starts now.

HORN BLARES

So here we go then with Oliver's

attempt to Vanquish Vile Vermin,

and he's not scored anything yet.

A few rats have popped their heads out but they've got away with it.

Oh, I can't watch. I can't watch.

No, as usual, Rattus is struggling with this game.

Oh, I thought he was going to squish one there!

But he just missed out. He's really going for it though,

-Oliver, isn't he?

-RATTUS SOBS

My apologies if you can hear this crying at home,

I'm afraid my co-commentator

has completely lost all sense of his own professionalism

and has slightly gone to pieces.

There's the moustachioed one.

Oh! He's gone for it big-style there

and Rattus lets out...

an impromptu squeak.

And why wouldn't he, because Oliver is not holding back here,

he's wielding that spade, well, like a spade! But in an angry way.

30 seconds remaining.

It's as if the rats have personally affronted him.

Oh, look at that! Another one's snout bashed in there.

He's on 9. He needs 15 to win the challenge.

Now this, I think, is going to be close.

10, the score creeping up, 11,

now he just needs four more.

Oh, just missed out there!

These rats are being very cunning, they're coming out at safe moments.

He just got that one, just landed.

He just needs three, but he's going to have to hurry.

Two more required, two more left, now just one!

-HORN BLARES

-Time's up.

He got it right on the buzzer!

Oliver is a champion rat smasher.

Well whacked, Oliver,

help yourself to a Year Sphere.

And I have to say, you were giving those rats one heck of a whacking.

Sorry, Rattus Rattus,

I-I know they're your brothers or sisters. I'm sorry.

You're the first one that's ever apologised

and I appreciate that, Oliver.

Of course it wasn't just rats that filled those trenches.

There was stagnant rainwater that would rot the soldiers' feet,

frost and ice from freezing temperatures, and wall-to-wall mud.

Truly terrible conditions for any man to be in.

But for a rat it was like a holiday camp.

Onto round two, and to find out what's up next,

it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Rotten Romans.

Here are your all-important Roman topics.

Kayley, it's your turn to pick first in this round. What'll you have?

Um, I think I'll go for Caligula.

Caligula.

Emperor Caligula made his friend Incitatus a consul of Rome.

But what was unusual about Incitatus?

A, he was a dog,

B, he was only two years old,

or C, he was a horse.

Is it A, is it B, or is it C?

OK, a complete spread of answers,

everyone going for a different one.

Let's see who's right.

The answer is C.

Incitatus was Caligula's favourite horse.

I say, it's madness!

I don't know what's so wrong about putting an animal in charge.

-DAVE LAUGHS

-I do.

So, Omari, it's your turn to pick a topic.

-I'll go for Generals.

-Generals, OK. Let's hear that question.

Here comes your question. Ready or not.

Let's see those answers now, please.

OK, Oliver and Kayley agreeing on C, Omari on his own with A.

Let's find out who, if anyone, is right.

The answer is...

C. He used elephants to defeat the Romans.

Hannibal got his war elephants from Africa, across the Alps

and into Italy, which was thought to be impossible.

Mainly because elephants don't have passports.

Do you know why? Well, they can't get a picture, can they?

Have you tried getting an elephant into a photo booth?

It's very difficult.

Oliver, your turn to pick a topic.

I'm going to go for Nero.

Nero, let's hear that question.

Emperor Nero was a bloodthirsty sort.

Which of these people did he not murder?

Let's see those answers now, please.

We've spelt out BBC, which is a particular favourite

moment of mine. Oliver and Kayley agreeing,

Omari on his own. Let's find out who's right.

The answer is C.

Nero didn't murder his teacher.

But he did order his teacher to kill himself.

Nero murdered both his wives, his mother and his stepbrother.

-Certainly saved on birthday presents!

-Inappropriate.

Sorry. Bad rat.

Right, one more question left in this round, all still to play for.

The final topic is Weapons.

And that is a prop question.

-Ooh, prop question, prop question...

-Prop question, prop question...

Enough. Look at that. Nasty piece of work, isn't it?

A Roman spear or pilum

had a 60cm metal head that would snap off after it hit something.

Why?

Was it A, because they were badly made,

B, so the enemy couldn't pick the spear up and throw it back,

or C, so you could carry the metal head in your pocket while marching.

Let's see those answers now, please.

Everybody has gone for B, all in total agreement.

And the answer is indeed B,

so well done, everybody.

The enemy couldn't pick up the spear and throw it back.

I did not know that.

So at the end of that round, we see that Oliver, with three points,

has won himself another Year Sphere. Collect it for us now, Oliver.

OK, Oliver, as the quiz winner, you're also through

to play the Roman game. Will it be just you

or will the others play too? Let's find out.

It's an All Play Gory Game.

So that means it's off down the Time Sewer with the lot of you.

Lead on, Omari.

If Romans laid siege to your city, you might want to give up quickly,

because they'd fire all sorts of nasties at you.

Yes, they'd fire rocks and beehives into enemy fortresses

as well as the severed heads of captured defenders.

Nice touch. It's time to play...

Your challenge is to fire many missiles into your fortress target.

The person who gets the most in the time limit wins the Year Sphere.

So, catapults at the ready. In three, two, one...

HORN BLARES

Here we go then with Savage Siege

and Omari there plumping for a head first up.

I see a hive at the end there with Oliver. Kayley with a head.

And nobody has landed at all

with their first round of efforts.

There's another decapitated head coming out there.

-Yes!

-Omari scores, he's off the mark. Lovely shot.

Look at that pull back, what a draw back.

She's almost shattered the board!

Wow, Kayley really, really going for it here.

And Omari...

-Yes!

-Oh, he celebrates again. You always know when Omari's scored

because he shouts very loudly. Oliver with a fist pump there.

-Yes.

-Oh, but it's nothing,

nothing compared to Omari's celebration. Superb stuff.

Look at this from Kayley, she abso...

-Oh-ho-ho, rocket!

-Yes!

And it lands!

Well, good speed for the hive there, that worked very, very nicely.

Oliver falling a bit short with his rock there.

Kayley lining up another one. She's going to be through that backboard

before the end of this game. She's going to be through that.

I don't think that backboard is going to survive.

-Yes!

-Oliver, you see, creeping up very nicely.

They're all doing very well, it's very, very close.

Three points apiece for Omari and Kayley.

Oliver with two.

And here is Omari. A very high one, it just misses out.

Just 30 seconds remaining now

as another one smashes into the backboard from Kayley.

It's very close at the top.

-Yes!

-Oh, and Omari...

-Yes!

That could be very important, but everyone else scores as well.

Oh, this is very, very close indeed.

Omari now, it bounces in! Could that be absolutely vital?

It sort of wiped its feet and it dropped in.

And there's another that leapt out the wrong way.

It's very, very close, but Oliver and Kayley need to do something

-and do something fast.

-HORN BLARES

Too late. Omari, that will count, as it was in flight on the buzzer

and Omari has won the Year Sphere.

Well played, everybody, well played. Back behind your podiums, please.

-How did you find that, Omari?

-It was all right, yeah.

-Good.

-You got a catapult at home?

-No.

-No?

-I'd like to but no...

You'd like to, would you?

Excellent, good. So help yourself to a Year Sphere, Omari. Brilliant.

Roman catapults did have their limitations.

When they got wet, the tightly-wound ropes that powered them would sag

and the catapult became completely useless.

Is that why the Romans never conquered Scotland?

I hope you're not suggesting that it always rains in Scotland.

Well, it rained every day of my holiday last year.

You should've gone during the Scottish summer, shouldn't you?

-I couldn't, I was working that day.

-Ooh, you cheeky rodent.

Over to the Gory Grid to find out what's up next.

It's the Vicious Vikings.

Four questions as always, and here are your four Viking topics.

Omari, it's your turn to lead. What will you pick?

-Stupid Death.

-Stupid Death. Let's hear that question.

True or false?

Viking ruler Sigurd Of Orkney died when he caught a cold

and sneezed himself to death.

Is that true or is that false?

OK, Kayley and Omari agreeing on true,

Oliver out on his own with false. Let's find out who's right.

It's false.

Sigurd was grazed by one of the teeth in the chopped-off head

of an enemy warrior, which he kept tied to his saddle.

And wait for it... The bite got infected and he died.

VIKING LAUGHS

Ah, that one always cheers me up!

Horrible. So, Oliver, your turn to pick a topic.

I'm going to go with Laws.

Laws. Let's hear that question now, please.

Is this true or false?

Let's see those answers. There we go, the boys agreeing on true,

Kayley out on her own this time with false.

Let's find out who's right.

It's true.

Yes, and if a judge forgot a Viking law, they were fined.

Well, that's assuming anyone could remember the Viking law

for what to do if a judge forgot a Viking law.

Indeed. Yes, very good point, Rattus.

Kayley, your turn to pick a topic.

-Navigation.

-Navigation.

That is a prop question.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

He loves prop questions, Rattus.

Here is the prop. True or false?

One of the ways that Vikings navigated was by looking at mud.

Everybody's going for false and no-one is buying that one.

Well, I can tell you that the answer is in fact true.

Well, that's surprised them.

Vikings categorised all the different types of mud they saw

and were able to recognise it if they saw it again,

which helped them to navigate.

We rats navigate by different smells in the sewer.

And let me tell you, Dave's house is dead easy to find.

Watch it, all right? I've got pest control on speed dial.

-RATTUS WHIMPERS

-Don't forget that.

One question left in this round, then.

The final topic is Washing

and this is the question.

True or false?

Our Viking soap was made out of whale blubber.

Let's see your answers now, please.

OK, a complete agreement again.

Everybody thinks it's true across the board.

Are they all right or are they wrong?

It's false! Our soap was made out of conkers.

We Vikings washed once a week, every Saturday.

HE SNIFFS

Ooh, must be a Friday!

Washing once a week is just so wrong.

-It should be once a year.

-Yeah...

That's the end of the round. We can see that Oliver,

with two points, has won himself another Year Sphere.

Help yourself, Oliver.

Oliver, as the quiz winner, you're through to play the Viking game.

But will it be just you or will the others play too? Let's find out.

It's a Single Player Brainy Game,

so get your thinking cap on, Oliver, and then get down that Time Sewer.

Vikings didn't just raid Britain,

some settled here. And, as a result, some Viking words

have become part of the English language. It's time to play...

Seven words, but two don't come from the Vikings.

Your challenge, to work out which five do.

Choose five words and move them to the Viking board,

then touch the Viking axe to see how many you've got right.

Keep trying new combinations until you've got all five.

You must be quick, you're against the clock. And your time starts...

-now.

-HORN BLARES

And Oliver is under way,

and he starts with shy.

You're quite shy, aren't you, Rattus, underneath it all?

Er, yeah, yeah, fundamentally quite a shy rat, Dave, yeah.

Oh, by the way, Dave, should you ever meet a Viking,

two words you should bear in mind are run and away.

I'll interrupt you there, because Oliver has nearly finished the game.

You have four right.

Four right, he has four right. So one of them is wrong,

which one's he going to take off?

He's gone with slaughter and he's replacing that with attack,

-Let's see how that's gone.

-You have three right.

Three right, and rightly he removes attack, slaughter goes back on.

Oliver understands exactly

what he's doing. And he's taken off tickle and this is going to be it,

I think he's done it, I think anger.

You have all five right.

Yep, he's done it. No need to carry on, Oliver, you've finished.

And there is the trademark fist pump.

Welcome back, Oliver, welcome back.

Help yourself to another Year Sphere.

There we go, that is a full podium.

-How did you find that, Oliver?

-I didn't know that Vikings, er...

the Viking word for shy, really.

So you didn't know those answers, you were just feeling your way...

-Yeah.

-Guesswork. Very good performance.

You're right, tickle and attack aren't Viking words. Well done.

Moving on, time for the final round.

Over to the Gory Grid to find out what we've got.

It's the Measly Middle Ages.

No quirky quiz in our final round,

it's straight to our big All Play Middle Ages End Game

and it is a very, very messy one.

So, everyone, get down that Time Sewer.

DAVE LAUGHS

Now, we've had some complaints

from disgusted parents saying that our games stink.

And when it comes to this particular one, I'm afraid I have to agree.

Let's have a go at...

Gong was, of course, a Middle Ages word for poop.

Your job is to collect the gong from the cesspit,

carry it along your lane and slop it into your measuring cylinder.

Whoever collects the most collects the Year Sphere. But beware,

some Middle Ages types would poo directly onto the street below.

So your lane is going to get very, very slippery.

Ready, steady, get slopping!

-HORN BLARES

-So here we go then

with the Gong Farming, and Omari is off like a flash.

He was down that lane quicker

than anyone I've ever seen before in this game, it's extraordinary.

He's already disappeared, look. He's there,

he's unloading his first bucket.

But as we all know, Rattus,

it's not necessarily the number of visits,

but it's the amount of gong you bring, isn't it?

It's essential that you bring a full bucket

with you every time, Dave,

as we've learnt from past games.

And Kayley was very, very slow

and brought a full, full bucket.

She has the look of a winner in this game for me, Rattus.

It's all very well haring up and down the lane,

but if you've got no gong in your bucket, it's not going to help.

And also if you're going too fast, you do tend to spill stuff,

which is absolutely catastrophic.

Kayley, a lovely, lovely delivery there, precision Gong Farming.

And already the boys are slipping over, very bad news for them.

I'm very impressed by Kayley, look,

the way she steps on and off

the street there, it's quite amazing, very sure-footed.

She's being very careful with that bucket of gong,

protecting it like treasure.

It IS a kind of treasure, Dave.

Well, it is to you, but not to very many other people,

and certainly not to Omari or Oliver, who seem to be

throwing it around with gay abandon.

But Kayley, look at that, she's delivering that almost lovingly.

She's putting in an absolutely fantastic performance here.

It really is very difficult to see how she can't win this.

BOTH: OH!

Spoke too soon, Dave! Spoke too soon.

Oh, no, Kayley's been wiped out

by an enormous downpour of gong.

30 seconds remaining.

30 seconds left, and they have now got an awful lot

of mess to contend with.

Look at them sliding off the end of the street there.

They're filling up their buckets but I don't know why they're bothering.

Oh, Oliver slides off on his knees there like a celebrating footballer,

but a celebrating footballer who's covered in poo.

Yeah, desperation's kicked in now,

he's just throwing his bucket, Omari.

Oh, and Kayley's having a lie down!

-Time's up.

-But it's all over, it's academic now.

And Kayley has won this

by being super, super cautious. But that's no consolation

to her dry cleaner.

Welcome back, everyone, back behind your podiums. Excellent.

Kayley, you copped for an absolute load of that, didn't you?

-Yeah.

-Tell me what happened.

All this stuff just fell on my hair,

and I just fell down flat and I couldn't stand up again.

It was a poo fest, wasn't it? There was poo absolutely everywhere.

So congratulations, Kayley, help yourself to a Year Sphere.

Well done. One genuine gong farmer

from the Middle Ages called Richard The Raker

died when he fell through a toilet floor

and drowned in the cesspit beneath. I'm sure you can relate to that.

That's weird, why don't I find that funny?

It was actually his day off, it was his own toilet he drowned in.

Oh, right, there we go.

RATTUS LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

Ooh, a little wee.

Time to count up those Year Spheres, I think.

And remember, AD years are added to your total

and the BC years are subtracted from it.

So you are all still very much in the game.

Oliver, let's open up your first sphere, see what you've got.

1603 AD, the death of Queen Elizabeth I.

Let's have a look at the second one.

122 AD, Hadrian's Wall built that year.

Let's have a look at the third one.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

110,000 BC,

Neanderthals learned to fish round about then,

but that's no consolation, is it? Let's have a look at the fourth one.

Oh, 10,500 BC!

End of the last Ice Age.

You are actually now trying for the ultimate low score.

Let's have a look at the next one.

Ah, it's another one! 508 BC, democracy was invented in Athens.

Oh, Oliver, what a shame, all those Year Spheres

but all those negative scores. You've ended up with a total

of minus 119,283.

So, Kayley, let's see what you've got. Can you beat that?

Yes, you can is the short answer.

1483 AD, Richard III became King of England.

So, Omari, higher than 1483

and you have won. Let's have a look,

what have you got?

1707 AD, England and Scotland joined together that year,

creating Great Britain.

So that means today's winner with 1,707 points,

is Omari, who'll be taking home today's star prize.

And you'll be pleased to hear that I've had a No More Terrible Prizes

clause written into Rattus Rattus' contract.

Though you'll be less pleased to hear he signed it Mickey Mouse

So we're back to square one unfortunately.

Dave, relax! Because today I've really excelled myself.

This prize is some shampoo all the way from Incan times,

made from real human wee.

What else(?)

That's right, and it's 100% organic, so it's even kind to the environment.

Con-rat-ulations, Omari.

There you go, Omari. Sorry it's just some wee but, er, well done.

You're putting a brave face on it, good for you. Excellent stuff.

It just remains for me to say thanks to our winner, Omari,

thanks to our gallant runners-up, Oliver and Kayley,

and no thanks whatsoever to Rattus.

Coming soon to a bin near you.

You've been watching Gory Games. Goodbye.

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