Episode 13 HH: Gory Games

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# Better turn off This show ain't for you

# Still watching? Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

# Horrible Histories Gory...

# ..Games! #

Hello and welcome to Gory Games with me, Dave Lamb,

him, Rattus Rattus, and him, the Blue Peter cat.

What? Woah. Oh.

DAVE LAUGHS DEVILISHLY

-Got you.

-Don't joke about the Blue Peter cat, you clown,

his studio's only next door.

This is the show that separates out the cool cats

from the scaredy rats.

Oh yes, I see what you did there.

As we test their knowledge of Horrible Histories with

quirky quizzes and gory games so let's meet the Horrible Historians.

Hi, I'm September.

Hi, I'm Sol.

-Hi, I'm Morgan.

-Fantastic.

There are the contestants.

By way of a little warm-up game today

I thought we'd go back to nature with a wholesome Georgian pastime.

-Really?

-Absolutely.

Just picture the scene.

It's 1764, we're in a tranquil Georgian farmyard.

A cockerel crows in the distance...

COCKEREL CROWS

Spring lambs chew the grass in a nearby field.

LAMBS BLEAT

Chickens peck lazily at the grain from the dusty ground.

CHICKENS CLUCK

And along come our lovely contestants

ready to play the favourite game of Georgian aristocrat

Lord Huntingdon.

Yes, it's time to play

Hunt The Hen! Simply chase the chicken round the studio

and the first to pull some feathers from his bottom wins.

Release the hen. Three, two, one...

No, no, no, not on my watch.

For heaven's sake, for once I would just like to start this show

without anything disgusting or upsetting happening.

Thank you.

Oh, brilliant.

I'm going to need a change of shirt now, aren't I?

And someone better find out where he got that chicken from.

I'm a naughty little rat.

Right, September, Sol, Morgan, you are playing to win Year Spheres.

Each Year Sphere contains a historical date and,

at the end of the show, your Year Sphere dates will be added up

with AD dates being added to your total and BC dates being subtracted

from it, so if these were your Year Spheres,

we'd add 1,215 then subtract 418 giving us a total of, Rattus?

Mm? Oh, I do know but I can't tell you.

-Why not?

-It's a secret.

-No, it isn't.

-It must be otherwise you'd know already.

-I do know already.

-Then what is it?

-It's 735.

All right, you've passed the test. It's 735.

OK, thank you.

At the end of the show the person with the highest year score

will win a unique historical prize.

As chosen by yours truly.

It's the kind of prize you couldn't even sell on eBay.

Let's get cracking and to find out who this round's about,

it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Awful Egyptians.

So four questions on the Awful Egyptians coming up now.

The person who gets the most right wins the first Year Sphere.

Your four Egyptian topics are:

So, September, you get to pick first in this round,

-what's it going to be?

-Gods.

Egyptian gods, let's hear that question.

The Egyptian god Sobek had the head of a crocodile

but what was he the god of?

Was it:

Let's see those answers now please.

OK, so Morgan and Sol agreeing on A, September out on her own with C.

-Let's find out what the answer is.

-The answer is C,

he was the Egyptian god of water, though

if there's one thing you don't want to find in your water

-it's a crocodile.

-Or a sewer rat.

Oi, I heard that!

-You were meant to. So, Sol, it's your turn to pick a topic.

-Mummies.

Mummies.

That is a prop question. This is a pot of mummy's dust.

Stuart king Charles II of England had a collection of mummies.

He used to gather the dust and powder that fell off them

but what did he do with it? Did he a) rub it into his skin,

b) sprinkle it on his food,

or c) throw it at people he didn't like?

Let's see those answers now please.

Everybody in total agreement on A and you're all right.

He did used to rub it into his skin,

he thought the greatness of the mummies would rub off on him.

That is sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick, sick,

sick and not in a good way. Huh.

-Morgan, your turn to pick a topic.

-Hieroglyphics, please.

Hieroglyphics, let's hear that question.

Ancient Egyptian scribes wrote things down in hieroglyphics

but what does "hieroglyphics" mean?

So is that A, B or C?

Everyone in total agreement. Let's see what the answer is.

The answer is C - "hieroglyphics" means "sacred engraving".

Is that sacred as in "Holy cow!

-"What on earth is that supposed to mean?"

-No, it isn't, Rattus.

-Oh.

OK, with the scores September, three, Sol, two and Morgan, two,

we have one question left in this round so it's all still to play for.

The final topic is pyramids. Here's the question.

Here's what I want to know.

Do you think that's A, B or C?

OK, the girls agreeing on B.

Sol out on his own with C.

Let's find out what the answer is.

The answer is C.

There are more than 100 pyramids in Egypt.

Yeah, there are more pyramids on Egyptian soil

than I've got flea bites on my bottom. Ha ha ha! But only just.

I was going to say, it must be close. And talking of close,

it's very close here. We finish that round with September and Sol tied.

Fingers on your buzzers - we're going to the tiebreak question.

Beginning with the letter H,

Egyptians believed that in the underworld,

to tell whether you'd led a good life

-which of your organs was weighed? Sol.

-Heart.

Heart is absolutely right so, Sol, you have won the quiz.

It's time to choose your Year Sphere from our trolley wally.

I'll have you know I'm not a trolley wally! I'm a sewage expert.

Ooh, so much better.

Be warned, Sol, one of these Year Spheres could contain

a Stone Age date worth a few million minus points.

Push, push, push, push, push, push, push, push,

push, push, push.

Hah, come on, Sol, come and choose your Year Sphere,

whichever one you want, preferably a shiny one.

-Is that the one you want?

-Yes.

-Good.

So winning the quiz means that Sol is automatically

through to play the Egyptian game but will he be alone

or will the others get to play, too? Let's find out.

It's an All Play Brainy Game

which means all of you must get down that time sewer.

-Lead off, Morgan.

-Whoo!

Excellent, off you go, Sol.

There you go, September.

When they died,

Pharaohs didn't really go for the small engraved gravestone thing.

They were more into the two million massive stone block thing.

It's time to play...

Your challenge, to build a pyramid.

Just work out which massive block goes where.

First to finish wins the Year Sphere. So, ready,

steady, get building! And here we go, then, with Pyramid Puzzle

and the idea here, Rattus,

is to get the big blocks on that base, isn't it?

That's right, the clue's in the title, Dave, they have to build...

-a pyramid.

-That's a nice big piece there from Sol.

September's looking a little small for me, though.

Of course, things can go very badly wrong on this game.

Particular if you thank you can squeeze a piece into a gap

that just isn't there. This is interesting.

September's realised her mistake and she's gone with the bigger bits.

Sol, basically picking all the bits up and throwing them around,

which is an interesting technique.

Morgan looks as though she's close to finishing her ground floor.

That looks good. Now that looks very good,

but wait a minute, if you look at the back closely,

I'm not sure that's right.

I think that Morgan may think she's got the base finished there,

but I'm not sure that she has. What do you think?

It's poking out over the edge and if your bottom layer

isn't parallel with the bottom edges of the plinth,

then that's it, we're onto a hiding to nothing.

You are and you've got to take into account the slanting

sides of the pyramid. I'm not sure she's done that,

so Morgan could be barking up the wrong tree.

September, wrestling with another huge piece.

Now, that is what you call a base.

She has completed the ground floor of her pyramid.

Sol is in all sorts of trouble here.

And so is Morgan.

Those jaggedy bits sticking out, if you look closely.

That, however, looks very encouraging and September, for me,

now is well on her way to winning this challenge, Rattus.

Sol still is struggling. There's a great big rift

right in the middle of his...

That's it, September's got a second layer!

You've called it correctly, my furry friend.

She's got that second layer. On she goes now for the third layer

and that's going to take not very long at all.

Shortly to be followed by the top piece, and there it is!

-There it is.

-It's a perfect pyramid from September.

She does a little leap, than a half spin. It's a victory celebration.

And Morgan's livid. Not really.

Welcome back, well played.

September, help yourself to a Year Sphere, why don't you.

-Morgan, how did you find it?

-I found it great fun.

-Did you? Excellent.

-You had a piece in the base, didn't you?

-It was the other one,

the one I put on top was the one on the bottom.

Good effort. Sol, how did you find it?

-Hard.

-Difficult, one word. Hard. But, September,

-what a magnificent pyramid you constructed, did you enjoy it?

-Yeah,

it was fun but I put all the small ones on,

I had to wipe it completely off and put the massive one on so...

Well done, because it meant that you won.

The Great Pyramid of Giza was one of the Seven Wonders of the World.

It was finished around 2560 BC,

and weighs about six and a half million tons.

So, are you one of the Seven Wonders of the World, Dave?

Where are you going with this?

Well, you're very old and heavy.

Just try to ignore him if you can. That's what I do.

Moving on. On to round two and to find out what's up next

it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Frightful First World War.

Four questions again,

here are your all-important World War One topics:

So, Sol, it's your turn to pick first, what do you fancy?

-Gas masks.

-Gas masks, let's hear that question.

True or false? No animals were given gas masks.

Let's see those answers now please. Well, look at that,

all three in complete agreement, everyone thinks it's false.

Are they all right or are they all wrong?

It's false, horses were key to the war effort

so special gas masks were made for them.

Morgan, it's your turn to pick a topic.

-Um, dogs please.

-Dogs you say, let's hear that question.

True or false?

German Shepherds were renamed Alsatians as a result of the war.

So is that true or false?

All in total agreement once again, all thinking it's true this time.

Are they right or are they wrong?

It's true. We were at war with Germany

so they were renamed not to sound German.

I'm not very fond of Alsatians but they love me...for dinner.

Obviously not picky eaters.

-September, your turn to pick a topic.

-Hankies please.

Hankies.

That is a question from my esteemed colleague, Mr Rattus Rattus.

I thank you.

True or false?

If you were caught in a gas attack in World War I

without a gas mask, you should wee on your hankie,

tie it round your mouth and nose and breathe through it.

Hm, interesting. Let's see your answers now please.

Look at that, all in total agreement once again,

all going for true this time.

-What's the answer, Rattus?

-Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear,

it's true! Although what you did if you didn't need a wee I don't know!

Three points each,

one question remaining so this may well decide the round.

It's a question on bombs, let's hear what it is.

Is this true or false?

Let's see those answers now please.

Total, total agreement once again.

-Let's find out if they're right.

-It's true.

Yep, it's horrible but it's true. So look at that, we've ended up with

a three-way tie, everyone getting maximum points in that round.

That means it's fingers on buzzers.

Beginning with the letter F, name the medical condition

caused by the freezing cold in the trenches

that could make soldiers' toes drop off.

-ATCHOO!

-September?

-Frostbite.

-Frostbite is the right answer, congratulations,

help yourself to a Year Sphere.

Very good, well done,

you qualify for the First World War game

but will you be alone or will everyone get to play too?

Let's find out.

It's a Single Player Brainy Game so, September,

off down the time sewer on your own.

Nowadays, most army regiments have an animal mascot,

for example, the Third Battalion of Royal Horrible Historians,

that's us, has a rat.

I'd salute but my arms are too short.

Dear oh dear. It's time to play...

Marvellous Mascots.

Your challenge today is to work out which five of these

are genuine World War One lucky mascots.

Choose five and move them to the real board then touch

the stuffed dog with a medal...

is that really the best we can do? Oh well.

..to find out how many you've got right. Keep trying new

combinations until you've got all five but you're against the clock!

And your time starts...now.

So, September attempts to play Marvellous Mascots,

and what's her first choice? Let's have a look.

That's Private Derby the Ram.

Some of these names are hilarious!

Corporal Charlie the cockroach!

He's actually quite a good flute player.

Bella and Bertha the cows go up next, er,

then Taffy, Taffy the goat.

Yeah, Taffy IV there actually.

Er, sounds a bit Welsh really.

-Or am I just stereotyping them?

-Yes, probably,

please don't upset the Welsh, Rattus,

we're in enough trouble as it is. Stubby the Dog up.

How's she got on?

Oh, she's got four,

what one will she take away? The Cockroach!

Off he goes, dragging his tiny little flute behind him.

Nancy the Springbok goes up there and it gives her the game.

What a celebration there! Textbook!

September, it was an absolute triumph,

help yourself to another Year Sphere, why don't you?

You were right, Blue the Kangaroo

and Corporal Charlie the Cockroach and were the made up ones.

The lucky mascots of the Scots Guards were two cows called

Bella and Bertha,

they were the only survivors from a herd that had been hit by a bomb.

So the Scots Guards got two mascots and all the mince they could eat!

-LAUGHS

-That's inappropriate.

-Yeah, sorry.

-OK.

Over to the Gory Grid to find out what's up next.

It's the Measly Middle Ages.

Four questions as always and here are your four Middle Ages topics:

So, Morgan, it's your turn to pick first this time,

-what's it going to be?

-1066 please.

-1066.

Is this true or false?

So is that true or is that false?

Interesting, the girls agreeing on false, Sol has gone for true.

Let's find out who's right.

It's true.

Yeah, he was called Ivo Taillefer

and he was William the Conqueror's jester.

He charged at the Saxons while juggling

and obviously he was killed immediately.

So I guess the Saxons had the last laugh after all.

What an idiot.

OK, September, it's your turn to pick a topic.

Can I have laws please?

Yes, you can...

And that is a prop question.

-Ooh!

-Rattus loves those prop questions.

OK, here is your question. True or false?

One Middle Ages method for seeing

if someone was guilty of a crime involved eating cake.

They've all gone for true.

That's absolutely right, it was true, the accused person

would eat a slice of cake, if they choked on it then they were guilty.

Rattus, did you steal some of this cake?

COUGHING AND SPLUTTERING

No further questions, your honour. Well done, everyone,

you got that absolutely right.

-It's your turn to pick a topic, Sol.

-Cures.

Cures it is, let's hear the question.

True or false?

One Middle Ages cure for the Black Death

involved jumping over a sewer.

Is that true or is that false?

Show me now and OK, Sol out on his own again with false,

the girls agreeing with true.

Let's find out what the answer is.

It's false but we thought one way to avoid catching the plague was

to sit in a sewer. You see,

the bad air of the plague is driven off by the worse air of the drains.

It makes perfect sense, doesn't it?

Yeah, right.

Well, to be fair, I spend much of my time sitting in the sewer

and I've never died of the Black Death.

Slight misunderstanding of how biology works there,

but no misunderstanding from Sol,

even with one question left in this round

it's too late for the others, Sol has won.

So, Sol, help yourself to another Year Sphere.

Sol is through to play the Middle Ages game

but will it be just him or will everyone else be coming along too?

Let's find out.

It's an All Play Gory Game,

so it's off down the time sewer with the lot of you.

-Lead off, Morgan.

-See you!

-See you.

-Toodlepip!

-Toodlepip, Sol.

-Au revoir!

-Au revoir!

King William the Conqueror

came to power after the gory Battle of Hastings,

and the funeral that marked the end of his reign was no less gory.

His servants stole all his jewels, his body was so bloated

it exploded, and the church caught fire.

It's time to play...

Yuckaroo.

You are William's servants and your challenge is to take as much

of the old tyrant's treasure as possible and put it in your chest.

All the treasure is colour coded and you must only take your own colour.

Whoever collects the most pieces wins the Year Sphere

and you'd better be quick because the church

is going to burn down and your time starts now.

Here we go with Yuckaroo - the colour-coded treasure challenge

that ends in gooiness. Look, September off the mark,

so, too, is Sol. Lovely. And Morgan away.

-They're good thieves.

-They certainly are.

-Yeah, good to see three

such excellent thieves at the top of their game,

and all working away feverishly on William the Conqueror's treasure.

All his treasure stolen by his servants at his funeral

and the other thing to note was that his guts exploded half way through!

I've got a feeling that might be about to happen here but...

I'm rather hoping so, Dave.

..I don't think they know about it which is excellent.

Oh, dear me, Sol has put one in his chest there

that wasn't brown so that won't count.

Obviously stealing and nicking things is pretty bad on its own

but to do it from a dead man just seems downright disrespectful.

Yes, even though he was a bit of a foul bully he didn't deserve this,

no one deserves this, this is naughty behaviour.

-Oh!

-There go his guts! He's exploded and that has taken Morgan

on the arm and I think Sol got covered in it

but he barely looked up!

It's like he gets covered in guts every day of the week.

It's very close here, September and Morgan very close

and there's only two points separating all of them.

-GONG

-Very exciting with 30 seconds left.

Now, September's put the wrong stuff in her box

and that won't count. So Morgan's drawn level.

Morgan's doing very well, gathering a fair old booty

but she's also being very selective,

having a look at what she fancies the look of.

I think that's a mistake, you've just got to take it all.

The church is now very much on fire - they've got to get

out of there quickly! September drawing level

and that could be absolutely crucial and it is! September and Morgan

have tied on six pieces each

and that means they'll both get a Year Sphere.

Back behind your podiums.

-How did you find that, Morgan?

-I found it really fun.

Have you done any thieving, Sol?

-Oh yeah...

-Yeah?

-From my sister, yeah.

-She know about that yet?

-Don't think so.

She does now! So, never mind.

How did you find that, September?

Quite easy cos I didn't get covered in any gunge so...

You withdrew for that bit!

Well done, everyone. September,

if you could choose yours for me first please.

And, Morgan, help yourself to a Year Sphere.

Lovely. Everyone has a Year Sphere.

Time for the final round,

over to the Gory Grid one last time to find out what we've got.

It's the Vicious Vikings.

No quirky quiz in our final round,

it's straight to our big All Play Viking End Game

and it is a scary one.

So, everyone, get down that Time Sewer!

-See ya!

-See ya.

-Bye!

-Bye.

-Auf Wiedersein!

-Auf Wiedersein.

A multi-linguist!

Picture the scene: it's June 8th, 793 AD

and another peaceful day begins

in the tranquil island monastery of Lindisfarne.

Suddenly, an unusual sound breaks the silence.

It's the sound of a Viking chopping a monk in two.

It's time to play...

Viking Attack.

You are defenceless monks.

Your only hope of survival is that the Vikings won't find you

so best not step on a squeaky floorboard.

Your challenge is to find the one squeak-free path.

Every time you step on a squeaky wooden panel

you'll be sent back to the start.

Reach the end of the path and you are faced with two doors.

Behind one is freedom. Behind the other is...

Rarrr!

I was portraying a Viking. Find him,

and you have to start again.

The first person to escape wins the Year Sphere.

Ready, steady, shh.

Here we go, then, and what an appalling start,

everybody's squeaked already!

That's woken up the monks,

there they are, our three custodian monks who stand at the back

to ensure fair play at all times

and also because they have absolutely nothing better to do.

SQUEAK

Oh, Sol gets that familiar sinking feeling

and that means he must return to the start.

Oh, that was a lovely cross-legged walk there from Morgan.

September, really thinking long and hard about this one

and Morgan is right at the end already. Oh no!

There's the frustration in a nutshell,

she's gone right back to start again.

But look, she's back up quickly, all three on the charge...

Morgan down, Sol down, but September wasn't down. That is peculiar!

September didn't need to go back, extraordinary.

September is very close, look how close she is here.

She just needs a solid one... Oh! She tried! She tried!

She thought, if I skip across it, it won't register,

but it will! Cheeky indeed but they all know their paths now.

It's really a case of who can remember best.

She's over! Now, which door is it? Is it freedom or the Viking?

-Oh, it's the Viking.

-Oh, it's a Viking.

-Back to the beginning.

You'd better get back, September,

before he chops some part of you off and Sol has to

go back as well which leaves Morgan our front runner, can she get there?

Can she get there? But September's coming back...

Surely she'll choose the right door? And she does!

Fist pump, double turn,

perfect celebrating at the end of a perfect game.

And Morgan knows how close that was!

Very well done, that was very exciting.

September, help yourself to another Year Sphere, of course.

Superb. September, how did you find that?

I found it really difficult because, I mean,

my and Morgan's squeaks were quite similar,

so I kept going back on hers and she kept going back on mine

-but it was fun in the end.

-Well done.

Monks spent much of their time copying out books by hand.

Monasteries were like huge libraries crammed full of hundreds of books.

But not one on how to defend yourself in the event

of a Viking attack, huh, go figure.

Time to count up those Year Spheres and, remember,

AD years are added to your total and BC years are subtracted from it.

So despite the fact that you've only got one, Morgan,

you could still win this quite easily.

OK, let's have a look at your Year Spheres then, September.

Start off with that first one.

1453 AD, the end of the Hundred Years War.

1852 AD, London's first flushing loo opened to the public.

Let's see the third.

1170 AD, Archbishop Thomas Becket murdered. The fourth?

1789 AD, start of the French Revolution!

It's all down to this last fifth sphere.

79 AD, the Colosseum opened in Rome.

That means you have ended up with a mahoosive total of 6,343.

Sol, it's going to be tricky to beat that.

Let's have a look at that first one.

Well, you started off badly in your quest for 6,000 points,

you've got 9,000 BC -

Stone Age man started using bows and arrows round about then.

Let's have a look at the second one.

1666 AD, the Great Fire of London, of course,

and that means that you have ended up with a score of minus 7,334.

Morgan, one Year Sphere,

it's going to be tough to beat September.

Oh! It's 776 BC, the first ever Ancient Olympics that year.

Well, that is no consolation whatsoever.

All that means that today's winner, with 6,343 points,

is September who goes home with our star prize

and it really is the best prize that Rattus could possibly find

which gives you some idea of how little effort he puts

into this task. What have you got, my furry friend?

Dave, today's prize just oozes class, ha-ha!

Well, actually it just oozes, cos it's what Saxon peasants used

to plaster their walls. It's pure pig poo!

That's it, is it? Just a load of pig poop.

-It's not just pig poop.

-But what else is there?

-I'm throwing in the bucket.

-Ooh, unbelievable.

Well, con-rat-ulations, September.

-There you go, well done.

-Thank you.

Sorry it's, er... Well, sorry it's a bucket of poo.

It just remains for me to say thanks to our champion September,

thanks to our runners up, Sol and Morgan,

and no thanks whatsoever to Rattus.

-You're missing me already!

-I'm not.

You've been watching Gory Games. Goodbye!

# Was that show messy enough for you

# Or would you have preferred a little more poo?

# Have you had your fill of blood guts and gore

# Or have we left you still wanting more?

# Well, keep watching we'll be back again

# With Horrible Histories: Gory Games

# Horrible Histories: Gory...

# Games! #