Episode 1 HH: Gory Games

Rattus, dare I ask why you've put cameras all over my car?

It's my brilliant new idea

to improve your internet profile, Dave.

Car-poo karaoke!

All we need is one run-of-the-mill host, that's you,

and one five-star celebrity.

That's me! Time for some tunes.

DRUMBEAT PLAYS

# Because the poopers gonna poop, poop, poop

# And the stinkers gonna stink, stink, stink

# Baby, auntie's gonna whiff, whiff, whiff!

# Plop it off, plop it off!

# Cos I love a sewer works

# You got to love a sewer works!

# Make them go phew, ew, ew!

# As you stink up to the sky-y-y! #

Well, it's safe to say I will never be happier to arrive at the studio.

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# Better turn off This show ain't for you

# Still watching? Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible Histories: Gory Games

# Horrible Histories: Gory...

# ..Games! #

Hello, and welcome to Gory Games,

with me Dave Lamb.

And me...

Follow me on Instagram.

Whatevs!

Let's meet today's Horrible Historians.

Hi, I'm Dan from Hertfordshire.

Hi, I'm Eva and I'm from Tottenham.

Hi, I'm Shai from Norfolk.

Welcome, everyone. Right, you lot are playing to win Year Spheres.

The person with the highest year score at the end of the show

will win a prize dredged out of the Time Sewer by Rattus Rattus.

That's @horriblerattus#

Get with the lingo, Grandad.

Time to crack on with round one.

Let's go over to the Gory Grid to find out what it's all about.

It's the Awesome USA!

So, four questions on the Awesome USA coming up.

The person who gets the most right wins the first Year Sphere.

And your four Awesome USA topics are...

-So, Dan, you get to pick first in this first round.

-Civil War, please.

The American Civil War it is.

100 Union soldiers escaped the notorious Libby Prison

through an abandoned area of the basement, known as...

Show me now, please.

Well, Daniel thinks it's B, Eva and Shai both think it's A.

What's the answer, please?

The answer is A.

They escaped through Rat Hell, which was swarming with thousands

and thousands of rats.

Rat Hell? Sounds more like rat heaven to me.

Yes, I'm sure it does, but whatever it sounds like to you,

that's a point to Eva and Shai, good start.

Eva, your turn to choose.

-Gunpowder, please.

-That is a question from Rattus Rattus.

During the American Civil War, the Rebel Army in the South

ran very short of gunpowder,

because it was made by the Yankees in the North.

They found a way to make it using what? Was it...?

Show me now, please.

What's the answer, Rattus?

The answer is C.

You can also fire buffalo poo

using a catapult made out of frog guts.

We'll have to take your word for that, Rattus.

Well done, Shai, it's a thunderingly good start

and it's your turn to pick a topic.

Can I have pets, please?

In the 1820s, President John Quincy Adams

used to hang out at the White House with his groovy pet.

But what was it?

Show me now, please.

Oh! Everyone's gone for C. What's the answer?

The answer is C.

President Adams had a pet alligator.

Far out, dudes!

Oh, I can't stand alligators.

They eat rats like they were some kind of snack.

-Crisps or something.

-What, poo-flavoured crisps?

Oh, someone should make those! They'd make a fortune.

Ugh! That's a point to everybody. Well played, well played.

One category left and that category is presents.

In 1802, what rad present did the American town of Cheshire

give President Thomas Jefferson?

Let's see those answers.

OK, Shai and Eva think it's A.

Dan thinks it's C. Let's find out.

The answer is C.

The town gave the President a cheese that weighed over 550 kilos.

Out of sight! They, like, sent the Big Cheese a big cheese!

HE LAUGHS

Well played, Dan, a good answer there.

It was very close but, as we can see, at the end of that round,

Shai, you have won the first Year Sphere.

And that means it's also time for me to say...

All hail the Potty Pyramid!

And, Shai, imagine it's your nose and pick carefully.

Yes, indeed. Because AD dates will be added to your total.

Of course, BC dates will be subtracted from it.

Now, winning the Awesome USA quiz means

that Shai is automatically through to play the Awesome USA game.

But will he be alone or will everyone get to play?

Let's find out.

Oh, it's a single player game.

So, Shai, off down the Time Sewer on your own.

Oh, it stinks!

America's notorious gang, the Wild Bunch,

robbed a train in 1899.

Can you repeat their explosive exploits? As we play...

Get the door to the carriage open to find three safes.

Then, connect the right cable and blow them up.

Until you find the one with the cash, and grab 50,000

within the time limit to earn yourself a Year Sphere.

Although, if you've got 50,000,

you probably don't care about the Year Sphere.

Oh, that's nonsense, of course you do!

Go!

So, the first thing this robber needs to do

is actually get into the train carriage.

It's Shai versus door.

And surely, there can only be one winner here?

Although you have to say, the door's holding

its own at the moment, Rattus.

No, of course, Shai has won that battle!

And he's through, over to the fuses now.

He's got to find the right one here.

-Oh, this part always makes me hungry.

-Why is that, Rattus?

-They look like intestines. Delicious!

-Oh, for heaven's sake.

Well, I think that one's too short, I think we can all see that.

Shai has certainly seen it, he's back to the barrel.

This one looks much longer, he's just got to get to be other end.

He's running over, he's onto a winner here, Rattus.

Block your ears up, look out!

Boom!

He runs over to have a look.

-It doesn't look like the right one to me, Rattus.

-No, Dave.

You can tell that because there's not lots of money flying around.

You're absolutely right. So, hang on, what's going on here?

He's picked up another fuse!

Only one of those fuses is long enough to reach.

And that's the one that was in the other safe. That's not...

You can stretch that as long as you like, Shai,

you're going to have to revert to the other fuse.

Well, he's worked it out.

Fair play to him, Rattus, he's worked that out.

The long fuse is attached, it's boom time!

Boom! Oh, what a shame.

Time for Shai to do his Old Mother Hubbard,

the cupboard is very much bare.

Now, he transfers that fuse to the final one.

Surely, Rattus, it's got to be in there, hasn't it?

Well, or someone's getting fired.

-Hey!

-The safe is fired, there's money everywhere.

Now he's got seven seconds to make 50 grand.

I'm sorry, but that is not going to happen, is it, really?

Bad luck, Shai.

Yep, it's all over. Let's see how he's feeling.

I was committing a crime. So, it's good that I got caught.

Ah, bad luck, bad luck, Shai. Bad luck.

No Year Sphere this time, but don't worry.

Still plenty more Year Spheres to play for.

-HE GASPS

-Dave, look!

Our car-poo karaoke is blowing up.

What, not like the safe?

-No, it means people love it.

-Do they?

# Because I'm whiffy...

# Sing along if you feel like a message that just won't send

# Because I'm whiffy...

# Sing along if you feel like you're stuck in life's U-bend... #

People on the internet like watching people singing in cars?

-That's considered entertainment?

-Yes, Dave. It's the future.

-I feel so old!

-Time to get with the interwebs, Grandpa.

I'm going to make you an online sensation.

Oh, goody.

Maybe, before that, we can have round two.

And to find out what's up next, let's go over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Vile Victorians. Good day!

And here are your all-important Vile Victorian topics...

So, Eva, it's your turn to pick a topic first this time.

I think I'll go with surgery, please.

True or false?

Before the Victorians invented anaesthetics to numb pain,

some surgeons would knock their patients out

by punching them on the jaw. Paff!

Is that true or is that false? Show me now, please.

Everybody thinks it's true. Let's find out if they're all right.

It's true.

Note to self, never visit a Victorian surgeon.

Nowadays, of course, anaesthetics can be injected or inhaled as a gas.

Personally, I prefer gas.

HE FARTS

Agh!

Knockout!

OK, that's a point to everyone there.

Well played, well played indeed.

Shai, your turn to pick a topic.

Queen Victoria, please.

True or false? When the Shah of Persia visited Buckingham Palace

in 1873, he surprised Queen Victoria by juggling with the Crown Jewels.

Is that true or is that false? Let's have a look at your answers.

They all think it's false this time. What's the answer, please?

It's false.

In fact, the Shah surprised the Queen by sacrificing

a sheep on one of her expensive carpets.

Funny, I thought the Queen liked a red carpet!

HE LAUGHS He liked that one.

Excellent work, everybody, maximum points so far in this round.

-Dan, your turn.

-Health, please.

-Health.

Now, that is a prop question.

-ALL:

-Prop question, prop question, prop question!

-Prop question!

Yes, it's a new beard.

True or false?

In the Victorian era, doctors prescribed beards for men

to keep them healthy.

Is that true or is that false?

Let's see your answers.

Well, I can tell you it is true!

Yes!

Yes, it was thought that beards acted as a filter

for diseases in the air.

I can tell you, they don't.

My facial hair traps diseases.

Only so I can pass them on.

-Kisses, Dave?

-Erm, maybe not.

And for future reference and to save you time,

-that will always be the answer.

-Oh!

So, excellent, Dan and Eva, another point for you,

you're all still in this around, though.

The final topic is Charles Dickens and here comes the question.

True or false?

As a child, Charles Dickens worked in a boot-blacking factory

as a rat exterminator.

Oh, please be false, please be false!

Show me those answers now, please.

Everyone thinks it's false.

What's the answer?

It's false.

Dickens used to put labels on jars of polish.

-Phewee!

-Result for Rattus there.

Charles Dickens used his experiences in the factory

to write the novels Oliver Twist and David Copperfield.

I did not know that!

Nor did I, I've just read it off this card.

Wow, what a round!

Dan and Eva, maximum points,

Shai, just for the moment, you're history.

But, for you two, it's a tie-breaker situation.

Fingers on buzzers. Buzz in when you think you know the answer.

Beginning with the letter L, Florence Nightingale, the famous...

-Eva?

-Erm, was it...?

A... Was it...?

-Oh, I've forgotten now!

-You forgot?

Oh, I thought that was going to be extraordinary.

OK, the whole question for you then, Dan.

Beginning with the letter L, Florence Nightingale,

the famous nurse, is often known as The Lady With The what?

Lady With The Lamp.

Lamp is correct! Congratulations, Dan.

You can help yourself to a Year Sphere.

Excellent choice, or is it?

OK, Dan, you're through to play the Victorian game,

but will it just be you or will the others get to come along, too?

Let's have a look.

It's an All Play game!

So, that means it's down the Time Sewer with the lot of you.

Lead us off, Shai!

-Oh, stink!

-Oh, man, it really stinks in here.

-Get some air conditioning.

In Victorian times, they sent children up chimneys to clean them.

Hard to see how sending a filthy street urchin up a chimney

would actually make it cleaner, but never mind.

Because it's time to play...

You have to scramble up the chimney and shift four blockages.

The first person to pop their sweep brush

out of the chimney is the winner.

And it's a nice, smooth start from everyone,

and they're off to the first blockage, Rattus.

Dan picks up his nest, he's heading back.

Eva and Shai close behind, or should I say hot on his heels?

Do you get it, Rattus, because of the fire?

Do I even need to say it, Dave?

-Leave the jokes to you?

-Exactly.

-Fine.

This is all looking very close, it has to be said.

Victorian children would sometimes get stuck up narrow chimneys.

I once got stuck up a drainpipe. It was terrible.

It rained and I got washed completely clean.

Yeah, I wish we could arrange for that to happen again,

Rattus, I don't mind telling you.

Now, Shai has taken lead but,

very quickly, Dan equalises and Eva's back in it, too.

This is tight, this is very, very tight,

but Shai is maintaining a slight advantage.

That's three obstacles already.

Now, Eva's having a bit of trouble getting that nest free,

and here comes the master chimney sweep

to give Dan some encouragement.

Encouragement in the form of a poke with a pin!

Well, it was horrible but it does seem to have worked,

he scores again.

Amazing that children as young as five did this job, Rattus.

I know! "Happy birthday, son. Here's your present, a brush.

"Now, get up that chimney!"

And Shai has completed his fourth and final obstacle.

It's a straight arm race up the chimney now.

There he is, hand over hand over hand.

He's just got to get to the end,

he's not going to be caught from here.

Watch his head hit the brush.

Boomer! Broom's out the end, Shai is the champion cleaner.

How was that, fella?

The hardest part was trying to untie the crows and the nest.

But I've made up my time by being really fast on the trolley.

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

Congratulations, Shai.

Help yourself to another Year Sphere, fella.

Lovely. Lovely stuff.

Oh, is that going to be important, that one? We'll find out later.

Right, Dave, I've set you up your own PooTube channel.

A channel called Dave? That's never going to work, is it?

Now, then, I want you to unpack this box in front of the camera.

-Why?

-It's an unboxing video.

People like watching people unboxing things on the internet.

Do they, really?

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.

This is going to contain a poo, isn't it?

-HE SIGHS

-Dave, would I be so obvious?

Give me some credit.

Oh!

-I thought you said it wouldn't be a poo.

-It's not.

-It's five poos.

-Urgh!

Can't believe that's happened again.

Right, round three

and it's over to the Gory Grid to find out what's up next.

It's the Groovy Greeks.

Four questions, as always, and here are your four Greek topics.

So, Shai, it is your turn to pick first this time.

-What are you going for?

-Alexander the Great, please.

Let's hear that question, please.

True or false?

Alexander the Great untied the supposedly impossible Gordian knot

by setting it on fire.

Is that true or is that false?

Let's see.

What's the answer, please?

It's...false.

Alexander the Great chopped the Gordian knot in two with his sword.

He should really have been called Alexander the Cheat.

He certainly should. Well, that's a point apiece for Eva and Shai.

Dan, pick a topic.

-Guts, please.

-Guts!

That is a prop question.

Oh, prop question!

-ALL:

-Prop question! Prop question! Prop question!

Prop question.

The ancient Greeks read the future using the guts of dead birds.

True or false?

Show me your answers, please.

And the answer is that it is...true!

I predict a short life for this bird.

Points for everyone there. Lovely stuff. Lovely stuff.

-Eva, what'll you have?

-Can I have Aesop, please?

You certainly can.

True or false?

The ancient Greek storyteller Aesop was richly rewarded

by the Prince of Delphi for his work.

Show me now, please.

What's the answer?

It's false.

They threw Aesop off a cliff.

I love a story with a happy ending.

Apparently, one of Aesop's stories is about a rat and an elephant.

A nimble, clever rat and a slow, old, lumbering creature.

Sound familiar, Dave?

And the moral of this tale is never work with Rattus.

That's a point apiece for Dan and Eva. Still all to play for.

One topic remaining, and it is slaves.

True or false?

Wealthy Greeks would send their slaves to sit on toilet seats

to warm them up before they sat on them.

Show me now, please.

What's the answer, please?

It's true.

Toasty. Nice.

Oh, yeah. There's nothing worse than a freezing cold toilet seat.

Except when you're licking it,

cos sometimes you can get your tongue stuck.

Never engage him in conversation.

A point apiece, then, for Dan and Eva.

And at the end of that round, we can see that, with a full house,

Eva is the winner of her first Year Sphere.

Help yourself.

All the way round, eh? All the way around there. Lovely.

So, as the winner of the Greek Quiz,

Eva is through to play the Greek Game.

But will it be just Eva,

or will the others get to play as well? Let's find out.

It's a single player game, Eva.

So off down that Time Sewer, on your own.

-Adios!

-Adios, amigo!

Have you got what it takes to be a Spartan warrior?

Let's find out as we play...

You are a young Spartan learning how to be a sneaky warrior.

You need to climb through the vines

and steal the sleeping soldier's lunch without waking him.

But mind the bells.

Three rings and it's wakey-wakey!

So, Eva, are you ready?

Shh!

Now, that first bell is the school bell.

That doesn't count against her.

-Eva making a cautious start, but cautious is good in this game.

-Yeah.

Listen to that Spartan snoring.

You know, Spartan boys really did learn to steal, Rattus.

It's just like rat school.

Rats have a school? How big were your classes?

-Pretty small. Just 300 pupils.

-Crikey.

She's looking a little bit...

BELL RINGS

Oh, no! Now, that's bell number one.

The Spartan is stirring, but he's back to sleep.

She's right back to it, too, taking a lot of care now.

And, Rattus, she's nearly through the first maze.

-In fact, as I say that, she exits.

-Excellent.

This one's trickier, though, but I think Eva can handle this.

BELL RINGS

-Oh, no!

-You jinxed her there, Dave!

Oh, that was the commentator's curse, wasn't it, Rattus?

She's only got one bell left now.

She's going to have to be very careful indeed.

BELL RINGS

-Oh, there goes the final bell!

-No supper for Eva!

No supper at all, Rattus, just a really angry Spartan.

And he really does look furious.

And sensibly, Eva's making a break for it.

Wow, that's a close escape! Let's hear from her.

The Spartan teacher was quite scary,

because he chased me up the Time Sewer,

but it was really, really fun.

Oh, unlucky there! Bad luck.

Welcome back. No Year Sphere this time, I'm afraid.

DAVE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Cheers.

Hey, you won't believe it, Rattus,

but all your stupid videos have really paid off.

I've now got a huge sponsorship for my channel.

Check it out! Check it out! Look! I've got even more hits than you.

People love me. They love me!

Yeah, you clearly haven't read the comments, have you?

Hmm?

Oh, good grief!

That's not even spelled right!

I'm retiring from public life.

-Oh, shall I unblock you?

-No! Never!

Erm...

You did remember to take out the poops?

DAVE SCREAMS

Oh, that's just brilliant, isn't it?

It's the final round, so it's over to the Gory Grid

to find out what we've got.

It's the Incredible Inca.

Here's a game all about the Incan royal family

that'll have you spitting.

Off down the Time Sewer with the lot of you.

Come on!

Off you go.

Yes, it's time for...

You are servants to the Incan Emperor.

Your job is to catch his spitballs

and deposit them in a bucket at the end of your lane.

But watch out for the troublesome spitting llamas,

who'll be making your jobs even more slippery.

The person with the most royal spitballs gets the Year Sphere.

The game starts in...

HORN BLOWS

Everyone's got their hankies and it's already raining spitballs!

Oh, look at that. Shai's away already!

Oh, my gosh. That one soaked her a bit.

But Dan and Shai are both on the scoreboard already. Come on, Eva!

Ah, there it is. Spitball number one and she's away.

Everyone's got phlegm in hand, they're racing down their lanes.

It's a scoring frenzy, Rattus.

Shai's hungry for more.

Shai is very hungry... Oh, that's an incredible catch by Dan!

If the Emperor wanted to spit, Rattus,

a servant held out their hand and the Emperor spat into it!

Doesn't sound like a great job.

-Did you at least get to keep the spit?

-No.

Not even if it was a big wobbly one? They're the best.

-Especially if they're green.

-Oh, crikey! I'll tell you what,

I haven't seen this much mucus flying around

since the last time you had a cold.

I hate colds, but I love mucus.

Oh!

-Here come the llamas!

-There they are!

They're going to be spitting on our contestants now.

And back at the game, Dan has a slight lead,

which he's just increased.

6-4-2. All even numbers.

Shai's spoiling that pattern and that llama looks furious about it!

-Oh, they're livid llamas!

-They are!

They need to wind their necks in for my money, Rattus.

They really, really do.

Llama spit, Emperor phlegm.

-This is one of the most disgusting games yet.

-Oh, yes!

-And I love it, Dave!

-I bet you do, I bet you do.

The toll of the bell.

30 seconds to go in the game.

Who is going to take this? It's very close.

Oh, my goodness me!

That is what you call a wipe-out! And wipe being the operative word.

Someone's nose is going to need a good'un.

Well, that's unfortunate, isn't it, Rattus?

Oh, yes. It's unfortunate but very funny.

Yeah, all right. I'll give you that. It is a little bit funny.

I'll tell you what.

If I had to describe this - absolute phlegmageddon.

It's all over.

Dan has won the final Year Sphere.

I couldn't get the last snotball in

because I kept slipping and I had to go legs first,

for if I went feet first,

I would've fallen over and splattered it,

so I'd get even more wet.

Ah, good work, everybody! Excellent stuff. Well done, Dan.

Go and choose yourself a Year Sphere.

Excellent work.

I hope this is a good one.

That's it.

All the Year Spheres have been won, and now it's time to count them up.

And remember, AD dates are added to your total

and BC dates are subtracted from it.

Here we go.

All right, Dan. Let's have a look at your first one.

1929 AD. The Wall Street crash was that year.

Let's have a look at that second one, Dan.

Oh, 1865 AD!

Abraham Lincoln was assassinated that year. It's a good score.

Eva, I don't think you can catch him,

but let's have a look inside that sphere.

1662 AD.

The last sighting of the dodo was that year.

Right, then, Shai. This is it.

This is where the game will be won or lost.

Let's have a look at that first one.

Oh, it's where the game will be lost!

3600 BC.

The first known mummification in Egypt round about then.

Let's have a look at the second one.

1776 AD.

The US Declaration of Independence was that year.

But it's not going to make any difference.

Dan, you have plucked up 3,794 points,

which means that you are this week's winner.

It also means that you deserve a fantastic prize.

Sadly, this is Gory Games,

and you'll be going home with something unspeakable

that's been dredged out of the Time Sewer by Rattus.

And it's a belter.

Cixi's fingernails.

She was the mother and aunt of a few Chinese emperors.

She had a son and one of her nephews killed just for disobeying her.

That is harsh parenting.

Anyway, she grew her fingernails really, really, really long.

Why on earth did she do that?!

So she could scratch servants as she passed by.

Of course.

Here you go, Dan. Be careful not to scratch herself.

Thank you very much, Dave.

You've taken it very well.

Time now, I'm afraid,

for our two gallant runners-up to head home via the Time Sewer.

And Shai doesn't look happy about it. He doesn't look happy at all.

Hope you have a good time through the gunge!

Oh, Eva, you've only just got cleaned up.

Well, he's been Rattus "Trending" Rattus.

And he's been Dave "Broke The Internet" Lamb.

Oh, no, I haven't, have I? I won't have to pay for that, will I?

-RATTUS SIGHS

-I give up.

EVA SCREAMS

-You've been watching Gory Games.

-Bye!

# Horrible Histories: Gory...

# Games! #