Episode 2 HH: Gory Games

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# Better turn off This show ain't for you

# Still watching? Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

# Horrible Histories Gory...

# ..Games! #

Welcome to Gory Games. I'm Dave Lamb, and this is...

Votes for rats! Votes for rats!

What are you doing, Rattus?

I'm campaigning for rat rights. I'm a suffratgette.

You know, like the suffragettes who campaigned for...

For women's rights, yes, I do get it.

Yeah, well, there are tens of millions of rats in the UK,

but do we get any say in how the country is run?

No! Votes for rats! Votes for rats!

This is going to be one of those shows. Ha-ha!

Let's meet today's Horrible Historians.

Hi, I'm Seb, and I'm from Cheshire.

Hi, I'm Brooke, and I'm from Kettering.

Hi, I'm Nathan, and I'm from London.

-Welcome, everybody. Right, you are playing to win...

-Votes for rats!

Votes for rats!

You are playing to win Year Spheres.

The person with the highest year score at the end of the show

will win a prize fished out of the Time Sewer

by famous rat rights campaigner Rattus Rattus.

Votes for rats!

Yes. Time to crack on, I think, with Round One.

Let's find out what it's about by going over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Incredible Inca.

So, four questions on the Incredible Inca coming up.

The person who gets the most right wins the first Year Sphere,

and your four Incredible Inca topics are...

So, Seb, you get to pick first in this first round.

Which one of those takes your fancy?

-I'll go for Punishments.

-Punishments.

Let's hear that question.

The Incas' punishment for rebelling against the state

was having a slow, agonising death,

with your bones being turned into what?

Show me now, please.

Everyone's gone for B.

Let's find out if they're all right or if they're all wrong.

The answer is...

Musical instruments!

I like to play music with my friend Maita.

This is Maita.

PLAYS A TUNE

Poor old Maita!

Well, a point for everyone, there. Excellent start.

Brooke, your turn to pick a topic.

-Erm... Can I have Myths, please?

-Myths it is.

We Inca believe that Manco Capac,

the sun god who became the first lord of the Incas,

killed two of his brothers by turning them into what?

Show me now, please.

Hoo-hoo!

Total agreement once again! What's the answer, please?

The answer is...

He wanted to rule alone,

so the first lord turned his brothers to stone.

-Paper would have been better.

-How come?

Well, stone beats scissors, but paper beats stone.

Yeah, I walked into that one, didn't I?

You always do, Dave.

No points scored there, I'm afraid. Nathan, what's your topic?

-Can I have Fish, please?

-You certainly can.

The Inca had a relay team of runners to take messages round the Empire.

One emperor also used them to bring him fish from the coast.

If the fish wasn't still fresh, what happened to the messenger?

Let's have a look at those answers, please.

They've agreed again!

They've totally agreed on everything!

-Let's have a look at the answer.

-The answer is...

Whatever happened to "don't shoot the messenger"? Eh?

-HE SNIFFS

-Ooh...

Superb work, everybody.

A point apiece, and we come down to our final topic, Bracelets.

At festivals, Inca would wear shaker bracelets

on their wrists and ankles made of llama what?

Show me now, please.

Right, we have a disagreement at last!

What's the answer, please?

The answer is...

Llama toenails.

Ooh, I think I know what I want from Santa this Christmas.

Yeah, well, that would require you being good all year, Rattus.

Fair point.

Not going to happen, is it? You can kiss that goodbye.

OK, that means that Brooke and Nathan,

you have another point each, and we have a tie-breaker situation.

Seb, for now, you're history.

Brooke and Nathan, here comes your tie-breaker question.

Beginning with the letter D, name the musical instrument

that Incas would sometimes make out of the skin of their enemy.

-Brooke.

-Drum.

Drum is the correct answer, well done, Brooke, you have won the quiz.

It's time to choose your Year Sphere,

which means it's also time for me to say...

-WHISPERS:

-Votes for rats.

Votes...

No!

All hail the Potty Pyramid.

Brooke, help yourself to the first Year Sphere.

Choose wisely, Brooke!

Oh... AD dates, of course, will be added to your total score,

but BC dates will be subtracted from it.

We'll find out what's in there later on.

OK, Brooke, so as the winner, you're through to play the Inca Game,

but will it be just you, or is everyone coming along?

Let's find out, shall we?

Wow, it's a single player game, so Brooke,

it's just you off down the Time Sewer.

Sorry, it's a bit stinky.

HE COUGHS Crikey.

She's completely disappeared!

You'll need guts to play this game, literally.

It's time to carry out a royal Inca mummification as we play...

Nothing too complicated, pull the guts out, stuff the herbs in,

swap the eyeballs for shells, add the rope, wig and headpiece,

and hey presto, one Inca mummy.

If you can do all that in the time limit,

you'll scoop another Year Sphere for your collection.

Are you ready, Brooke?

In three...

two...

one...

Now!

And sensibly, Brooke heads straight for the instructions.

She knows it's guts out first.

-Looking a bit hesitant, there, though.

-I wouldn't hesitate, Dave.

That looks delicious!

-Save some for me, Brooke!

-Please don't do that, Brooke.

Anyway, away with the guts.

Now, she's walking - quite slowly, it has to be said,

I'd pick up the pace if I were her.

-She's found the horrible green things.

-They're herbs, Rattus.

The Inca would stuff the body cavity with them, as Brooke is doing now.

Yeah well, oh... Urgh!

Look at her digging around for those eyeballs.

It's less scooping out eyeballs,

and more repeatedly jabbing a spoon into the face!

Well, they're loose, they are loose, and they're on the loose.

Back to the table for the shells,

quick glance at the instructions - sensible - and they're in.

-Right, here comes the best part.

-I can't watch this.

She's got to get the mummy into a sitting position.

She's fast running out of time.

I did not know human knees made noises like that.

They're really not supposed to, Rattus, not at all.

I think I'm going to be sick!

-Ooh, save some for me, Dave!

-Bleurgh!

-Try and get some in my lunchbox.

-Oh, that's disgusting!

Well, that's going to have to be good enough.

She's moving onto the ropes now.

I have to say,

that mummy is not looking exactly like the finished one,

but it is Brooke's first time.

At least we hope it is.

Oh, now, now, she's left the headdress, I notice,

-but to be honest, she doesn't have enough time.

-No!

Oh, it's all over. Great effort.

Let's see what she thought of that.

I had trouble with the eyes.

They were very difficult to get out of the head,

especially with the spoon.

Oh, bad luck, Brooke, bad luck.

No Year Sphere this time, but listen, don't worry -

there are still plenty more to play for.

What is it now, Rattus?

I'm taking my rights for rats campaign straight to the top,

just like two suffragettes did in 1909,

and I'm posting myself to the Prime Minister.

Rattus, you do know there's a cat that lives at Number Ten?

Oh.

Didn't totally think that through, did I?

No, Rattus. This is quite the most half-witted campaign in history.

HE SOBS

Can't you read? It says I'm fragile.

HE SOBS

Come here. Come here.

Gentle, gentle.

All right? RATTUS SOBS

On to Round Two, and to find out what's next,

it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Measly Middle Ages.

And here are your all-important Middle Ages topics.

So, Brooke, it is your turn to pick first this time.

Which of those would you like?

-The Black Death, please.

-Let's hear that question.

True or false?

In 1349, the Black Death hit England,

but had not yet reached Scotland,

so the Scots went to the border and jeered at the English.

Is that true or is that false? Let's have a look.

Ooh... Seb and Brooke think it's false, Nathan thinks it's true.

What's the answer, please?

It's false.

The Scots invaded England

to attack while the English defences were down,

but they caught the plague themselves

and took it back to Scotland.

Talk about shooting yourself in the foot!

Oh, did they do that as well?

It's an expression, Rattus.

What, like "a poo a day keeps the doctor away"?

Kind of.

That's a point apiece, then, for Seb and for Brooke. Nice start.

Nathan, what would you like?

Can I have Rules, please?

Rules it is. Let's hear it.

True or false - at tournaments, knights fought each other

but they were not allowed to attack someone who was unarmed.

Is that true or is that false? Let's have a look.

Oh, Brooke and Nathan agreeing this time with true.

Seb thinks it's false. What's the answer, please?

It's false.

It was fine for knights to attack an unarmed man.

So much for chivalry, eh?

So much indeed. It's a point for Seb, though.

He'll be pleased with that. Seb, it's your turn to pick now.

I'll go with Food.

-Food. Now, that is a question from Rattus Rattus.

-Certainly is.

-Can you see that in your bag?

-I certainly can, here we go.

True or false - you could get takeaway food delivered

to your door in the Middle Ages.

So is that true or is that false? Show me now, please.

Nathan and Brooke agreeing again with false.

Seb thinks it's true. What's the answer, Rattus?

It is indeed true!

You could get roast thrushes and hot sheep's feet.

Oh, I bet you fancy a hot sheep's foot, don't you, Rattus?

No, not me. I'm going on hunger strike, like some suffragettes did.

Until rats get the right to vote, I'm not eating another thing.

Well, we'll see how long that lasts, won't we?

Well done, Seb, that's another point for you.

And with only one question left in this round, I can say that you

have won yourself a Year Sphere. Help yourself, fella.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ooh, not that one.

Pay no attention to Rattus, Seb.

We'll find out what's in there later on.

OK, Seb's through to play the Middle Ages game, but will he

be alone or will the others get to play too?

Let's find out, shall we?

It's an All Play game! So it's off down the time sewer

with the lot of you. Lead us off, Nathan.

Have you got the fight to be a knight?

Yes, it's time to play not Lance-a-bit, but...

HORSE NEIGHS

One of the ways a medieval knight practised their lance skills

was by running the rings. So you have to head around the course

skewering the rings and putting them into your basket.

The first person to collect five rings will become the proud owner

of a Year Sphere.

They're under starters orders.

HORN BLARES And they're off!

Well, it's a bit of cautious start from all three of them here.

Looks like everyone's just getting a feel for those horses.

I know some mice who play this game with pencils and Hula Hoops.

Ho-ho! Now that I'd like to see.

So, Brooke and Nathan both headed down the home straight here.

Nathan drops his ring off like a pro there.

And hot on his heels, here comes Brooke.

-Equalling the score!

-Oh, this is going to be close, Dave.

It certainly feels that way. Seb's on the scoreboard too,

but Nathan, he's already dropping number two, look!

And here comes Brooke.

Now can she...

Yes, she can!

But Nathan's already grabbing his third.

Seb drops off his second, but it's Nathan with this third.

He really is very fast on that horse!

He really is. Oh, look, hang on. What have we here?

Look out, two horse pile-up!

Seb and Brooke locked horse head to horse head.

No-one's giving way!

Deadlock broken now, but that will have cost both of them, Rattus.

Nathan really pulling away now.

That one means he's only got one more to go!

Brooke desperately trying to close the gap.

And oh! It's out! It's out, Rattus.

It was in and out, you hate to see that.

-I do hate to see that, Dave.

-Seb scores next.

Nathan just needs to drop this off and he's won!

Oh, look, it's out again!

-We should check that basket for spring!

-Well, let's hope

there's no springs in there, that really would bring the game

into disrepute.

Look at this, it's getting very, very close at the end now!

Nathan is on the charge! Seb delivering one there, but he's not

in contention at the moment.

Is this going in? He takes his time, he secures the game.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I feel really happy and now I've got a Year Sphere.

What about those controversial fisty hooves halfway through?

I've got one thing to say...

it was all her fault!

He stopped horizontally.

She stopped her horse.

I couldn't do anything about it.

All right, you two, let's just leave it all on the field of play,

shall we?

Excellent work, everybody, excellent work.

Nathan, please help yourself to a Year Sphere.

-And you are?

-Emmeline Pankhurst.

-Oh, wow! The leader of the Suffragette Movement!

-Yes, Dave.

I've invited her to come and help me mastermind my campaign -

Votes For Rats.

What do you say, Emmeline?

Vermin! Kill the vermin!

Oh! Goodness sake!

He went that way!

Kill the vermin!

RATTUS PANTS FOR BREATH

You've got to admit "kill the vermin" is a lot catchier

than "votes for rats."

That's not funny!

Well, it's quite funny.

Right, Round Three, and it's over to the Gory Grid to find out

what's up next.

It's the Awesome USA!

Four questions, as always, and your four Awesome USA topics are...

So, Nathan, it's your turn to lead us off this time.

-Which of those do you fancy?

-Can I have Harriet Tubman?

Harriet Tubman was a slave who escaped and went on to free

many other slaves.

Go, sister.

She used to distract the attention of slave owners

by carrying a what?

CHICKENS CLUCK

RAT SQUEAKS

GLASS SMASHES

Show me those answers now, please.

Seb and Brooke agree with B, Nathan thinks it's A.

Let's find out.

The answer is...

She carried a chicken to distract the slave owners, and it worked.

Sweet!

They clearly were a bunch of idiots.

Very nasty idiots.

Nathan, congratulations. A point for you. A good start.

Seb, your turn to choose.

-I'm going to go with Presidents, please.

-Presidents, it is.

George Washington was like the first president of the United States,

but when he died - heavy, man - what did his friend William Thornton

want to do with his body?

GROANING

CANNON FIRES

TAPPING

Show me your answers now, please.

Seb and Brooke agreeing with B, Nathan thinks it's A.

What's the answer, please?

The answer is...

Dr Thornton wanted to try to bring President Washington back to life

by transfusing lamb blood into his body.

Uncool.

His request was, like, denied, man.

I've got an old pal who's full of lamb blood.

-Is it Dave Lamb?

-Nope.

-Is it a lamb then?

-No.

It's a fox.

That's distasteful, at best.

Nathan, congratulations, storming into an early lead there.

-Brooke, your turn to pick.

-Can I have the moon, please?

The moon!

Man first landed on the moon in 1969.

Groovy, baby!

But astronaut Neil Armstrong broke a switch that fired

the rocket's engines, which could have meant his team were stuck

on the moon forever.

So what did they use as a switch instead?

PEN SCRATCHES

CRASHING

CHICKEN CLUCKS

Mmm, chicken bone.

-Don't forget your hunger strike.

-Oh, fight it, Rattus, fight it!

Show me your answers now, please.

Oh, Seb and Brooke agreeing again on C, Nathan on his own again

on B. What is the answer?

The answer is...

They used a felt-tip pen as a switch.

Far out!

Nobody scores any points there, and with only one category left

in this round it means that Nathan has won himself another

Year Sphere. Go and collect it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, Nathan has won the Awesome USA quiz

and he automatically goes through to play the game.

But will he be alone or will the others get to join him?

Let's find out.

It's a Single Player game.

So, Nathan, off down the time sewer on your own.

It's 1899 and you're an outlaw in the notorious gang the Wild Bunch.

It's time to play...

This game is dynamite! Yee-haw!

Sorry. Get the train door open to reveal three safes,

connect the right cable and blow them up until you find the one

with the loot. Then grab a stash of cash in a flash.

You've got to get 50,000 within the time limit to win yourself

a Year Sphere.

TRAIN WHISTLES

So, first up, Nathan has to unlock several bolts to actually

get inside the train carriage.

Of course, during their robbery

the Wild Bunch blew the doors off, blew the safe up

and blew most of the carriage to bits.

-What a bunch of cowboys!

-Well, exactly.

Now he needs a fuse.

Only one of these, Rattus, is long enough

to reach from the safes to the plunger, and this one looks

quite promising. He attaches one end to the middle safe.

Is it going to be long enough?

Well, yes, it is!

Lovely, he's found the right rope first try.

-Boom!

-Boom!

-There's cash everywhere!

Just like the actual Wild Bunch, Nathan has used way too much

-dynamite.

-Yes, and keep your eye on the cashometer, Rattus.

He needs 50,000 notes to get above the line and claim victory!

And he's gathering nicely here,

gathering like a Womble in many ways.

Oh, dear! It looks like a buzzard was caught in the blast.

Oh, poor Tony!

Poor Tony, indeed. I didn't realise you knew him.

Awful for you, Rattus.

Absolutely awful. Oh, no! He has woken up a rattlesnake.

-That's Tony!

-Why does everybody have to be called Tony?

So their names are easy to remember. Can I call you Tony?

No, you can't.

I have to say, Nathan is cleaning up here, literally.

Grabbing handfuls of greenback, stuffing them in his sack.

Somebody get this man a vacuum cleaner.

Well, he's getting very, very,

close to the 50,000 he needs to win now.

He really has done excellently well. And in fact he's there. He's there.

You can stop stealing money.

Well played, Nathan. Oh, he's lost his moustache. But never mind!

It's grown back!

-I'm rich.

-Well played, fella.

You're going to have to pick all those up now.

Congratulations, Nathan.

You sure did grab yourself a lot of loot there, boy!

Help yourself to a Year Sphere.

So, Rattus, how is the campaign coming along?

Oh, really well, Dave. I've got over 1,000 signatures so far.

-Oh, wow! Where are they?

-Well, they're right there.

Most rats aren't very good at writing

so they have to leave their mark in other ways.

Oh, rat wee!

HE GROANS

Well done, Dave. You found another signature.

I've got signatures all over my trousers now!

Sorry you had to see that.

It's the final round!

So it's over to the Gory Grid to find out what we've got.

It's the Vile Victorians! Good day.

So no quiz, just time for our show-stopping all-play endgame.

So come on, you lot. Down you go.

Lead us off, Nathan.

See you, Seb.

And it's all about dead bodies

because at the start of Queen Victoria's reign,

surgeons needed a regular supply of corpses to practise on.

-It's time to play...

-Graverobbers!

All you have to do is steal three corpses and get them to the

surgeon's table, but this noise...

WHISTLE BLOWS

..means there's a policeman on the way and you'd better run

and hide in the cemetery until you hear another whistle.

First to dump their bodies

and grab their illicit stash of cash is the winner.

Go! So, Rattus,

the first thing they need to do here

is find the body with the key attached.

Giving it a good rattle around and look at that. Nathan's found it.

Go on, shove him through, Nathan. That's lovely.

Oh, Seb has stolen a march on him there!

Seb has gone into the lead while Nathan wrestles with his body.

Go on, just stuff him through! You can't hurt him, he's already dead.

Look at that. Now he's got to unlock that padlock.

Meanwhile, the others are slowly but surely catching him up.

And they're quite literally carrying a dead weight.

They are, Rattus. A very good point.

All three of them now at the gates. It's close.

-And it's in fact Nathan who gets through first...

-Oh!

Seb has got this habit of just suddenly emerging from nowhere

and seizing the initiative.

He's a "Caesar"!

He's right Caesar, just like an old Roman leader there!

Well, anyway, whatever we're going to call him,

he's already claimed his second body.

And Nathan, fiddling around with the keys there,

-I don't know what he's playing at there, Rattus.

-What's he doing?

I do know that Seb just went for a short trip!

LAUGHTER

Oh, terrific!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Here comes the policeman.

They've got to hide behind those gravestones and they've got

to be quiet because this man is one of the force's finest.

-Sadly, yes.

-He really is.

He's just come down actually from Manchester where he was catching

graverobbers hand over fist, but he's missed them all there.

And they're back into it.

Brooke just yanking her cadaver through there by the hair.

That looked awful! And that's no better!

Well, if proof were needed that these people are dead,

we just had it right there.

And Nathan, meanwhile, has squeezed one through. But it is Seb!

Every time you mention someone else, Seb slaps you in the face

and says, "I'm winning this."

He's grabbed the cash, he's through the railings, Seb has done it.

Terrific body snatching!

I think I would make a good graverobber.

It's a tricky business but it gets you somewhere in life.

Yes, prison!

Well played, everybody. Excellent robing. Seb, help yourself.

Help yourself.

Lovely. The final Year Sphere has been awarded.

Now it's time to count up those Year Spheres, and remember,

AD dates are added to your total and BC dates are subtracted from it.

All right, Seb, let's open up that first Year Sphere, please.

1858 AD - The Great Stink of London was that year.

Let's have a look at that second one.

1189 AD, Richard the Lionheart becomes King of England that year.

Well done, Seb. You've ended up in the positive.

Brooke, let's have a look at yours.

1917 AD, the US declares war on Germany that year.

It's not quite enough to catch Seb but it is a positive result.

Here we go then, Nathan. The all-important deciders.

Let's have a look at your first.

1331 AD,

The start of the Hundred Years War between England and France.

Let's have a look at the second one.

3600 BC!

The first known mummification took place in Egypt around about then.

Let's have a look at that third one.

It's good.

1815 AD, the Battle of Waterloo that year, but it's not enough.

Congratulations, Seb.

You've run up a grand total of 3047 points,

which means that you are today's worthy winner!

-Yay!

-Yes.

And what could be better than your very own prize

scooped out of the fetid waters of the Time Sewer by Rattus?

Well, almost anything but there we are.

And what a prize it is. I'm almost too jealous to give it up.

-It's a mud wasp nest.

-A mud wasp nest.

-And it gets better.

-That wouldn't be too hard.

Because it's full of maggots!

Who would want a wasps nest full of maggots?

The ancient Maya.

They'd send children to go and collect them,

then they'd heat them up

and when the maggots wriggled out they'd eat them for a snack.

Delicious! Nom-nom-nom!

Rattus, what about the hunger strike?

Forget the hunger strike! These are maggots we're talking about here.

There you go, Seb. Worst prize ever.

-Can I tell you what I think?

-Yes, you can.

VOMITING

That could be the least of your worries after you've eaten that.

-Well, if you don't want it, I'll have it.

-Settle down.

Time for you two runners-up to face the music,

by which I mean slide into the Time Sewer gunge.

I'm sorry. It's been nice knowing you.

-Bye!

-Bye!

-Bye!

It's disgusting!

-I've been Dave Lamb, he's been protesting.

-Votes for rats!

-And you've been watching Gory Games. Goodbye.

-Goodbye.

-Games!

-Votes for rats. Votes for rats! Votes for rats.

-Give it up, Rattus.

It's never going to happen.

Oh, Dave, I've chained myself to some railings,

-just like those suffragettes did.

-Right. Nice moves.

BARKING

The security Dobermans have arrived. They sound really hungry.

Dave, wait. Help, help, help!

-All right. Where's the key?

-Oh, I've swallowed it. Hang on a second.

BREAKS WIND

I think it's one of them two.

You are kidding me.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

SQUELCHING