Episode 3 HH: Gory Games

-Psst! Psst!

-What's that noise?

Rattus, you're not having a wee, are you?

No, I'm psst-ing you because it means it's secret.

I'm offering you the chance to invest

in my top-secret business venture.

Oh, oh, let me have a think about that. No!

What if I told you, you were going to be the centrepiece of my

new star-studded celeb museum?

Hm! What, a bit like Madame Tussauds?

Yeah, a bit like it.

Think about it - crowds of adoring tourists taking selfies

with your gorgeous look-alike.

-Really?

-Hm.

-I'd be the star attraction?

-Mm-hm.

OK, I'm in!

You won't regret it.

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and you don't laugh at poo

# You'd better turn off This show ain't for you

# Still watching?

-BOTH:

-# Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible Histories: Gory Games

# Horrible Histories: Gory

# Games. #

Hello, and welcome to Gory Games

with me David Rat.

And me, Lambus Lambus.

Or something like that, anyway.

Let's meet our horrible historians.

Hi, I'm Sam and I'm from Woking.

Hi, I'm Noah.

Hi, I'm Chiedza and I'm from Staffordshire.

Welcome, everyone.

Right, you lot are playing to win Year Spheres.

The person with the highest score at the end of the show will win

a prize fished out of the Time Sewer by Rattus.

-So good, they named me twice.

-Indeed.

Time to crack on with round one.

Let's find out what it is all about by going over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Terrible Tudors.

So, four questions on the Terrible Tudors coming up.

The person who gets the most right wins the first Year Sphere.

And your four Terrible Tudors topics are...

So, Sam, it's your turn to pick first in this opening round.

-Which one do you fancy?

-I'm going to go with Executions, please.

I thought you might, Sam. Let's hear that question.

What weapon was used to execute Anne Boleyn?

Was it...?

Show me now, please.

What's the answer?

The answer is...

Yeah!

Henry VIII brought an expert French swordsman over from Calais to

ensure Anne's execution was as swift and painless as possible.

Oh, that Henry, he was all heart, wasn't he?

Wasn't he just?

And that trademark Sam celebration tells us that he is off the mark.

Congratulations, Sam. Noah, what's your topic?

Barbers.

That is the question, sadly, from Rattus Rattus.

Besides cutting hair, what else were Tudor barbers qualified to perform?

Was it...?

Let's have a look at those answers. Wow!

Total agreement this time.

What's the answer, Rattus?

Oh, I'm afraid...

They are absolutely right! It is, indeed, C.

Tudor barbers were also surgeons.

Amazing.

"I'd like a short back and sides and a kidney replacement, please."

"Did you do anything nice for your holidays?"

Crikey!

OK, so that's points all round.

Congratulations, congratulations, congratulations.

Chiedza, your turn to pick.

Cures, please.

A Tudor cure for deafness was to put what in your ear?

Show me now, please.

Ooh! Sam and Noah agree on B.

What's the answer, please?

-SHOUTS:

-The answer is B!

Sorry, am I shouting?

I can't hear a thing,

my ears are full of hare gallbladders and fox fat.

Well, if you weren't deaf before the cure, you sure were after.

Sam and Noah, another point apiece.

The last question is on Salt.

Why did we Tudors often throw salt over our left shoulder

before eating? Was it...?

Show me now, please.

Let's hear the answer.

The answer is...

We Tudors believed that the Devil sat on your left shoulder

and we'd throw salt over it to blind him.

I mean, you'd be crazy not to!

You would be crazy not to

and you'd be crazy not to admire Sam's full house!

CHEERING Superb work and superbly celebrated.

Sam, you have won the quiz,

which means it is time for you to choose your Year Sphere

and that means it's time for me to say -

all hail the Potty Pyramid.

Help yourself, Sam, to a Year Sphere.

Choose wisely, though, because AD dates will be added

to your total, but, of course, BC dates will be subtracted from it.

We will find out what's inside that sphere later on.

So, winning the Tudor quiz means that Sam is automatically through

to play the Tudor game,

but will he be alone or will the others get to play too?

Let's find out.

It's an all-player game.

So, off down the Time Sewer, with the lot of you, please.

-Bye, Chiedza.

-Bye.

-See you, Noah.

Henry VIII may have been a mighty and powerful king,

but he couldn't go to the toilet without assistance.

Yes, it is time to play...

Being the groom of the stool wasn't for the faint-hearted.

When Henry calls, you have to rush to check his poop.

In the meantime, brick up the doorway to keep him

safe from assassins.

First to brick it up wins the Year Sphere.

KLAXON BLOWS

So, everyone rushes back to their pile of bricks.

They each have one piece in place.

We've given them that, but that is all the help they will get.

And then after that, they're going to have to get their hands dirty.

Really, really dirty.

-Oh, I'm so jealous!

-I bet you are.

Well, they are all working on the largest piece,

that seems to be sensible. Chiedza is off to an absolute flyer.

-HENRY:

-I'm finished!

-Oh, no. Here it comes.

Oh, yes, here it comes.

Oh, this is so disgusting. Did you invent this game, Rattus?

You know, it is actually a traditional rat party game,

only we don't bother with building a wall.

Oh, crikey.

Sam, you have to say, is struggling a wee bit here,

but Noah and Chiedza are getting very close indeed.

I hope nothing distracts them, because this could be it.

We might not have to see any more poo.

-HENRY:

-I'm finished!

Oh, no.

The groom of the stool was actually well-paid to inspect poo, you know?

Imagine that, getting paid to do your hobby! Brilliant!

Everyone is right back into it. This is incredibly close.

I think Chiedza may just have the edge.

I think she's got one more piece to go.

But so has Noah, but Chiedza is going to get there first.

It's going to be very tight. Who is going to get it?

Chiedza wins it.

That's lovely stuff.

What did she make of that, besides from a wall, of course?

I found it quite fun actually because of the poo bit.

Any advice for Henry, boys?

I would tell Henry VIII to have a balanced diet with meat

and vegetables.

Go on a diet for nine years or so.

Welcome back, everybody. Welcome back. Congratulations, Chiedza.

Collect yourself a Year Sphere. What's in there?

We will find out later.

So, how is our celebrity museum coming along, then, Rattus?

Oh, great. Really great. I've learned from the best.

Madame Tussaud.

THE Madame Tussaud, from the French Revolution?

-Uh-huh.

-Well, she used to take the severed heads of nobles

killed by the guillotine and then cast their faces in wax.

I hope you're not planning to do that.

No, no, no.

I'm not using wax.

-So what, then?

-Take a look.

Welcome to Madam Poosauds!

Who is that meant to be?

Na-POO-leon. Isn't it obvious?

Admittedly, it does look a bit like Henry number two.

Oh, all right. On with the show. I think I'm going to move this.

Oh, I wish I hadn't touched that.

Wet wipe?

Going to take more than a wet wipe to sort that lot out.

On to round two.

And to find out what's up next, it is over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Awful Egyptians.

And here are your all-important Awful Egyptian topics.

So, Noah, it's your turn to pick first this time.

I'm going to go with Gods.

Worship of the crocodile god started with the priest

re-enacting the pharaoh doing what?

Let's see those answers, please.

Total disagreement.

What is the answer.

The answer is...

The priest re-enacted the pharaoh going to the toilet.

HE LAUGHS

Hey, that's so funny, I've just re-enacted me going to the toilet.

Oh!

Big Tony, can I have a mop?

-Thank you.

-Oh, it's all dripping down the back.

Oh, dear me.

The priest was actually re-enacting pharaoh's full washing ritual.

Keep mopping, slave!

Thanks, Tone.

So, that's a point for you, Sam. Chiedza, it is returned to pick.

Can I have cats, please?

The punishment for killing a cat in ancient Egypt was...?

Let's have a look at those answers.

Who is right?

The answer is...

If you killed the cat, you were put to death!

Quite right too.

Cats are sacred.

Yeah, in rat lore, if you kill a cat, you're given a medal.

Just saying.

So, Sam, another point for you.

You have yet to get a question wrong in this show.

I don't want to talk about maximums, but, you know, it's in the air.

-Sam, it's your turn to pick.

-I'm going to go with Cures, please.

Cures. That unfortunately for you is a question from Rattus Rattus.

An ancient Egyptian cure for earache involved burning

frog bone, tortoiseshell and what else?

Show me those answers please.

-What's the answer, Rattus?

-The answer is...

Crocodile poo, tortoiseshell and frog bone where burned

and the smoke was wafted into the ear.

HE LAUGHS

-Yeah, I've got a good cure for an earache.

-What's that, Dave?

Ah, that's better already. MUFFLED SPEECH

HE SPITS

Noah, congratulations. A point on the board for you.

Teeth is the final category in this round.

What did we ancient Egyptians believe caused tooth decay?

Show me those answers now.

Complete spread of answers there.

No-one agreeing with each other whatsoever.

What's the answer?

The answer is...

The ancient Egyptians believed tooth decay was caused by worms

living within the mouth.

Have I got any?

So, Noah, you are on a roll now.

That's two apiece. And at the end of that round,

we can see that Noah and Sam are in a tie-breaker situation.

SIREN WAILS

Beginning with the letter S, what is the name of the massive desert

that covers parts of each of...

The Sahara Desert.

Sahara Desert is absolutely right, Sam.

Congratulations.

Good celebration. Help yourself to a Year Sphere.

Bad luck, Noah. Bad luck. Extremely close.

OK, then. Sam is through to play the Egyptian game,

but will it just be him or will the others get to play too?

Let's find out.

Sam, it's a single-player game.

Off down that Time Sewer by your lonesome.

It's time for a bit of good old-fashion tomb raiding.

Tutankhamun's tomb was never looted in ancient Egyptian times,

but don't let that stop you having a go. Yes, it's time to play...

Smash your way in through the tomb wall and find Tut's loot.

Place all four items on the right plinth within the time limit

and you've earned yourself a Year Sphere.

KLAXON BLOWS Start!

Right, Sam, he goes for the right loose block

and through the wall he goes!

-Let the rummaging commence, Rattus.

-Oh, I love a good rummage.

Yes, I heard that about you.

Egyptians were buried with their possessions, which they would need

in the afterlife. Money, clothes, weapons,

they had everything they wanted.

Well, apart from, you know, being alive.

Wow! Sam is reaching right inside King Tut's stomach there.

Oh, he's spotted the pants.

The pants... Oh, there's the first item.

The death mask, right in the pile of pants.

Do you know it's a fact that Tutankhamun was buried

with 145 spare pairs of underpants?

Well, you can never have enough pants.

That's one item down, three more to find.

But he is going to have to get a wriggle on.

And wriggle, he certainly does. He moves a mummified cat there.

And, yes, treasure number two.

Just like me. I treasure my number twos.

Yes, you treat them with peculiar reverence. It's on the plinth.

And back through the wall he goes.

Sam is keeping up a good pace.

He literally leaps back into action there. Where is he going to go next?

I'd look in the pile of pants again.

Well, you would do, wouldn't you, Rattus?

But there is no reason to do that. That's the problem.

He's having a rummage in a chest there.

He seems to be hitting something of a metaphorical brick wall here.

Looking in a basket, it's all gone a bit random.

A little bit drifty.

Sam needs to get hold of this game and get hold of it he does!

A third trinket emerges.

And back to the wall he goes. KLAXON BLOWS

But it's too late.

Oh, it was great looting, but there's no Years Sphere.

What was the game plan, fellow?

When I got through the wall, it was...look everywhere!

Sadly, I ran out of time.

Was it grim looking through the pile of pants?

"Was it grim looking to the pile of pants?"

-Of course it was!

-Right.

Why would anyone ask a question like that?!

Oh, sorry Sam.

Oh, bad luck, Sam. Bad luck. No Year Sphere this time.

But, still, plenty more spheres to play for, everyone.

Oh! Rattus, what is this?!

Oh, Dave, I know why you're upset.

It's cos I've not done your Madame Poosauds bust yet.

So, come on, let's take a cast of your head.

Go on, stick it in the bucket.

Not going to happen, Rattus!

Not going to happen. I want a wax replica or nothing.

All right, then. I'll see what I can do.

Good gracious me!

Round three. Over to the Gory Grid to find out what's up next.

It's the Vile Victorians. Good day.

So, four questions, as always,

and here are your four Victorian topics...

So, Chiedza, it's your turn to lead us off. What do you fancy?

Can I have Queen Victoria, please?

True or false - Queen Victoria had herself named

the Empress of India and visited the country a total of 19 times?

Is that true or is that false? Let's see.

What's the answer?

It's false.

The so-called Empress of India never visited India.

-I've been to the Taj Mahal.

-Really?

Yeah, it's my local curry house. I'll have a Friday-night curry.

-From the bins, obviously.

-Appalling.

Sam and Noah, congratulations. A good start to that round.

Sam, it is your turn to pick.

Can I have Crimean War, please?

True or false - during the Crimean War,

the starving British soldiers were freezing in old, tattered tents

until the Duke of Cambridge arrived with 17 wagonloads

of clothing and provisions for them?

Let's see your answers, please.

What's the answer?

It's false.

The Duke's 17 wagons of clothing and provisions

were just for himself, and quite right, too!

Outrageous!

Well done, Sam and Noah, though. A good start to this round.

You're still in it, Chiedza. Don't you worry about that.

-Noah, your turn to pick.

-Limps, please.

True or false - it was fashionable for Victorian ladies

to walk with a pretend limp?

Is that true or is that false? Show me now, please.

Ah! So, it's Sam and Chiedza who agree this time on false.

Noah thinks it's true. Is it true or false?

It's true.

Fashionable young women mimicked the limp

of Victorian trendsetter Princess Alexandra.

Shopkeepers even started selling footwear

with one high heel and one low.

How stupid would you have to be to buy a pair of those?

Oops!

THAT stupid. HE LAUGHS

Noah, well played. You're into the lead,

but, Sam, you can still catch him.

One more question left in this round,

and it's on Jelly,

-and it's a prop question.

-Prop question!

-ALL:

-Prop question! Prop question! Prop question!

HE GROANS Yuck!

Victorian jelly was made out of calf feet,

pigs' bones and sturgeon bladders - true or false?

Show me your answers now, please.

I can tell you that the answer is that it's true.

It is true. To give the jelly its wobbly but firm texture,

Victorian chefs would use calf feet, pig bones and sturgeon bladders.

That is absolutely disgusting.

-Oh, delicious!

-HE GROANS

So, congratulations, Chiedza.

You finished that round strongly, but looking at the scoreboard,

it's Noah who wins the next Year Sphere.

Help yourself.

What's going to be in there? We shall find out later on.

Well done, Noah. OK, Noah's the winner of the Victorian quiz.

He's through to play the Victorian game,

but will it be just him or is everybody else going to join him?

Let's find out.

Ooh, it's an All Play game!

So, come on, all of you, down that Time Sewer.

Go on, Chiedza.

-Go on, Noah.

-See you! Bye!

Back in Victorian times,

they used to send children up chimneys to unblock them.

You had to be small and nifty or you'd get stuck in the chimney

and someone had to be sent up after you to shift you.

Brutal business. It's time to play...

Scramble up your chimney, shift the four blockages,

and get your brush out the top before anyone else to win the game.

In three, two, one...

HORN HONKS ..sweep!

So, off they go, and that is a terrific start from Chiedza.

She's already at her first blockage.

She looks like she's done this before.

Maybe she has this game set up in her back garden.

Well, Noah's no slouch either, but it looks like Sam might be

-having a little bit of trouble with knots.

-Use your teeth, Sam!

Don't do that, Sam. Chiedza's got item number two already.

She is absolutely flying up and down that chimney.

She drops it off. That's it. She's taken a two-one lead.

Sam seems to be struggling still with his first item,

but Noah is keeping things interesting.

He's returning with his second. Meanwhile, Chiedza's got three.

Oh, Chiedza's already got her third in her hand

as the other two deliver one apiece.

And here comes the sweep to offer some more encouragement.

-Not that she needs it.

-She doesn't need it at all.

She's going back up the chimney

for what will be her final item.

This is extraordinary.

This is some of the finest chimney sweeping we have ever seen.

The boys aren't going to catch her here, I don't think,

-no matter how much encouragement they get.

-I don't think so.

No, I don't think so, I KNOW so!

Look at Sam wrestling there with that final blockage.

And Chiedza drops her fourth and final blockage,

and now she's got to go.

Sam's out of this, I'm afraid.

It's Chiedza all the way for me.

She's just got to get up to the end

and get that broom sticking out proud from the chimney.

That's it. FANFARE PLAYS

Use your head, Chiedza.

She's only gone and won herself a Year Sphere.

My technique was to just concentrate and not get distracted.

I just tried to do it as fast as I could.

Would you make a good chimney sweep, Sam?

Probably not. I'd probably be burned to death.

Hey, well done, everybody. Well done.

And congratulations, Chiedza.

Help yourself to another Year Sphere.

Excellent.

Ooh, Rattus, is this my wax model?

HE CHUCKLES EXCITEDLY

-Ta-da!

-CHIEDZA LAUGHS

-And that's supposed to be me?!

-Yeah! Can't you tell?

Well, at least it's made out of wax.

Yeah, earwax.

Careful! Do you not know how long it took me

to collect that much earwax?

Most of it is Viking. They love a good ear clean, Vikings.

Lovely. Moving on, it's the final round,

so it's over to the Gory Grid to find out what we've got.

-It's the Awesome USA.

-So, no quiz, this round.

It's straight down the Time Sewer for our massive endgame.

Lead off, Chiedza.

Imagine what you'd see if you were on the surface of the moon.

-Bags of astronaut poo.

-Yes, it's true.

Yeah, they dumped it to make their spacecraft lighter.

It's time to play...

Our Apollo 15 astronauts have to dump their bags of poo,

wee and vomit whilst grabbing themselves three moon rocks.

The first person to get them back to base

and raise their flag wins the Year Sphere.

In three, two, one...

HORN HONKS ..blast off!

So, off they go, and their first job, of course,

is to drop their bags of jobbies into their coloured craters,

as Sam looks like he's about to...

Oh, he misses!

It's one small poo for man,

one giant sack of doo-doo for mankind.

Well, indeed it is. Noah and Chiedza on the board.

Sam is waiting for a little bit of help here

from the friendly astronaut.

That's Alan Shepard, by the way,

who famously played golf on the moon.

He's keeping busy with other things today, though.

Chiedza and Noah are moving forward through this game. Chiedza has two.

Noah now has two. They're still dropping their poos.

Remember, after three poos have been dropped,

they'll be looking for rocks to grab and collect.

And almost simultaneously,

that's the point that Noah and Chiedza have reached now.

Do you know, it's a little-known fact - in 1961,

to test out space flight, Russians sent a guinea pig,

various reptiles, and 18 mice into space.

I can think of a rodent who should be sent into space.

And while Rattus has been wittering on about animals in space,

Noah has got his first rock

and has forged into the lead.

Wow, there's Alan Shepard getting involved again.

He really is a good egg, Alan Shepard.

Interesting - his golf handicap is four,

which makes him quite a reasonable player,

on the moon or anywhere else.

One rock apiece now between Noah and Chiedza.

It really is between them.

Chiedza goes into the lead. She's got two rocks.

Noah looks like he's grabbing his second, and delivers it.

It's two apiece. It's really tight at the top here.

It's going to come down to who's got the most stamina

and who's got the best leg speed

and who doesn't crash into their own crater.

Chiedza still needing that final rock.

That's Sam delivering his second rock.

Sam's coming back into it.

But now Noah has gone into the lead.

Chiedza's fighting back.

This is incredibly close.

It's all going to be about the flag plant here, I think.

Sam grabs his third,

but he's out of it now because Chiedza's out of the buggy.

She's going to do this!

She plants her flag. She claims her Year Sphere.

And, I wonder, could she be a future astronaut?

I think it would be hard to be an astronaut

because I kept crashing into stuff.

Noah, you just missed out.

I was on my third rock,

but I got overtaken right at the end.

-How was that for you, Sam?

-Wow!

There's a lot less gravity than I'm used to, I can tell you that.

Well, it is the moon.

Hey, welcome back! What a brilliant, sporting contest that was.

Chiedza, yes, go for it.

Help yourself to a Year Sphere. Lovely. Great stuff.

Now, time to count up those Year Spheres.

And, remember, AD dates are added to your total,

and BC dates are subtracted from it.

Here we go, then. Sam,

let's open up that first one.

Ooh, it's a BC, but it's not a disaster.

44 BC - the death of

Julius Caesar that year.

Let's have a look at the second one.

Oh, no, no, no! It's another BC.

1600 BC - construction stops

on Stonehenge round about then.

Sam, I'm sorry, but you've ended up with a BC total.

You may still win. Who knows what's in these?

Noah, let's have a look.

1661 AD - Charles II was crowned

King of England and Scotland that year.

I'm sorry, Sam, that means it's curtains for you.

Noah, you are in the lead.

Chiedza, that's what you've got to beat.

Let's have a look.

1718 AD. It's a very strong start.

Blackbeard the pirate was killed that year.

Let's have a look at that second one.

Ooh, 330 BC.

So, we're going back the other way.

The conquest of the Persian Empire

by Alexander the Great was that year.

It all hinges on this one.

Let's have a look at it.

It's 1431 AD.

Joan of Arc was burned at

the stake that year, but what it really means, Chiedza,

is that you are today's winner. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Congratulations, Chiedza. You have a total of 2,819 points.

And what, dare I ask, is our star prize this week, Rattus?

Oh, well, Dave, it's two tickets to Madame Poosauds.

MUSIC STOPS

Come and see some amazing celebrities -

George Pooney, Kim Kar-splash-ian,

Benedict Bumberbatch and Donald Trump.

Didn't have to change that one.

Two tickets there, Chiedza - one for you,

one for someone you really hate. SHE LAUGHS

I'm afraid our runners-up aren't getting away poop-free, either.

You two, down the Time Sewer and off home.

-Enjoy!

-Bye, Noah. Bye, Sam.

-Goodbye.

-Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Ew! That's just disgusting!

I've been Dave Lamb.

And I've been Rattus Rattus.

I can't move!

And you've been watching Gory Games.

In glorious smell-o-vision, I hope.

-BOTH:

-Goodbye.