Episode 4 HH: Gory Games

Rattus.

-Rattus, we're on in five minutes.

-Eh?

-We're on in five minutes.

All right, then.

I'm just laying down some vocals on my brilliant new track.

-It's a guaranteed number two.

-Surely you mean number one.

-No, I always prefer number twos.

-Of course you do.

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and you don't laugh at poo

# You better turn off This show ain't for you

# Still watching

# Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible History's Gory Games

# Horrible history's Gory

# Games. #

Hello and welcome to Gory Games.

-I'm Dave Lamb.

-And I'm Rat.i.am.

-Rat.i.am?

Yeah, you're not in the music biz, Dave, you wouldn't understand.

Great start. Let's meet today's Horrible Historians.

Hi. My name is Edward and I'm from Buckingham.

Hi. I'm Inaaya and I'm from Essex.

Hi. I'm Jasmine and I'm from Yorkshire.

Welcome, everyone. Right, you lot are here to win Year Spheres.

The person with the highest year score at the end of the show

will win a terrible prize yanked out of the time sewer by Rattus Rattus.

And by terrible, Dave means brilliant.

I know what I mean.

Time to crack on with round one.

Let's find out what it's about by going over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Awesome USA.

So four questions then on the Awesome USA.

The person who gets the most right wins the first Year Sphere

and your four Awesome USA topics are:

Space Travel, Dr Seuss,

Presidents and Fails.

So Jasmine, you get to go first in this first round.

-Which of those takes your fancy?

-Fails.

OK, dudes, in 1876 Big Jim Kennally from Chicago

failed in an attempt to do what?

A. Steal President Lincoln's dead body.

B. Blow up the Statue of Liberty.

C. Make the world's largest pizza.

Show me your answers now.

-What's the answer please?

-The answer is A.

Big Jim Kennally wanted to steal Lincoln's body

and hold it hostage for 200,000,

but got busted by the Secret Service.

Righteous man.

I think the moral of this story is

don't try and ransom the dead body of a president.

Dave, what's a moral?

If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you.

Great start, Jasmine and Edward. Excellent work.

-Edward, it's your turn to pick.

-Can I have Presidents, please?

Gabriel Green was a presidential candidate between 1960 and 1972.

But who did he say told him to run for president?

A. A tree.

B. His mum.

C. An alien.

Show me now. What's the answer, please?

The answer is C.

Gabriel Green claimed he decided to run for president

because an alien told him to.

Far out. What planet was he on?!

I mean the president, not the alien.

Thanks for clearing that up. So no points there.

-Inaaya, your turn to pick.

-Can I please have Space Travel?

Unfortunately, that's a question from Rattus Rattus.

In 1961 the second man into space was American Alan Shepard Junior.

His launch was delayed for such a long time

that he had to do what in his space suit?

A. A poo.

B. Go for a wee.

C. Pass wind.

Let's see your answers, please.

Let's find out who's right.

The answer is B.

His launch was delayed so long

he had to go for a wee in his space suit.

At least he didn't pass wind. Imagine that inside the space suit.

Oh, yeah. Heaven!

Not quite what I meant.

But Jasmine and Edward, more points for you there.

That just leaves us with one topic and it's Dr Seuss.

When famous children's author Dr Seuss

suffered from writer's block, would he,

A. Go into a cupboard full of hats.

B. Swim in a giant goldfish bowl.

C. Eat green eggs and ham.

Let's see those answers now.

What's the answer?

The answer is A.

He would go into a cupboard full of hats,

try them on and not come out until he could continue to write.

Dig it, man.

Excellent work. That's a point apiece for Jasmine and Inaaya

and that means at the end of the first quiz round,

Jasmine, you have won the first Year Sphere,

which means that it's time for me to say,

All hail the Potty Pyramid.

And make sure you choose a good one.

Yes, because AD dates will be added to your total.

And of course BC dates will be subtracted from it.

We'll find out what's in that later on.

Now, winning the Awesome USA quiz means that Jasmine

is automatically through to play the Awesome USA game.

But will she be alone or will the others get to play too?

Let's find out.

It's a single player game.

So, Jasmine, off down the Time Sewer on your own please.

-See you, Dave.

-See you.

1899 America. The Wild Bunch.

A deadly gang of robbers are enjoying a boom time.

Yes, it's time to play...

Calamity Train.

First, get the carriage door open to reveal three safes.

Then connect the right cable

and find out which one contains the cash,

with the help of some dynamite.

Grab as many dollars as you can before the time runs out.

50,000 gets you a Year Sphere.

In three, two, one, bang!

Time then for Jasmine to rob a train.

First, she needs to unbolt the door to the carriage.

This is not as easy as it looks, by the way,

when you're up against the clock.

Yes, she's doing nicely with it though.

Almost there and she has done it. She's in.

Now the tricky business of finding the correct length of fuse

to connect the detonator to the safe.

-No. That's not it.

-She'll have to try the others, Rattus.

Did you know that when they actually robbed the train

the leader of the gang, Butch Cassidy, wasn't even there.

-He must have misread the timetable!

-Good one, Rattus!

Now, is that the correct fuse? No. It isn't.

But it does mean that this must be the one. Here we go now.

She's getting it right in there.

-It's coming back to the plunger, Rattus.

-In the plunger.

-Here we go.

-Boom! Where's the money?

-Where is the money?

Well, she's bagged a few rogue dollars there

but it's not the huge stash of cash that she needs to win the game,

so she's going to have to try the other safes.

She is sensibly moving the fuse now. Look at that.

-Here we go again, Rattus.

-Plunge.

-Boom!

-Look at that!

I'm no expert but I think Jasmine has used way too much dynamite.

Just like the Wild Bunch did in the real robbery.

And she is having a field day out there.

She's got loads of cash, look at the cashometer.

Look at the rattlesnake. He doesn't like being woken up, does he?

No, sir. No, indeed. She's got plenty of money...

Hang on, what is she doing here, Rattus?

She's blown the third safe just for kicks. This is crazy behaviour!

I've never seen anything like that. She's still gathering cans.

She's already done it. It's like she's done it before. Maybe she has.

My favourite part of the game was the big explosion.

My hobby is robbing trains.

145,000.

Not that you need one, but help yourself to another Year Sphere.

Well played, Jasmine. Very well played indeed.

-Where have you been, Rattus?

-Rat.i.am, please.

-Whatever.

I've been down the Time Sewer

putting the finishing touches to my music video.

You are not a pop star. I mean, a plop star maybe!

Take a look at this.

# Do your sewer slide

# Hey lovely lady

# Poo, poo, poo, poo, pooey

# Rodent style

# Do the sewer slide

# Poo, poo, poo, poo, pooey

# Rodent style. #

So what do you reckon, Dave?

It really, really stinks.

Compliments will get you everywhere.

On to round two

and to find out what's up next it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Awful Egyptians.

And here are your all-important Awful Egyptian topics.

Cures, Army, Ramesses and Funerals.

So, Edward, it's your turn to pick first this time. What will you have?

Can I have funerals?

True or false, in ancient Egypt

women could be hired as professional mourners at funerals?

Is that true or is that false? Let's have a look.

-What's the answer please?

-It's true.

If you didn't have enough friends and family,

you could hire professional mourners to give you a big wailing send-off.

SHE WAILS

That will be 20 pieces of silver.

Give us a fiver, Rattus, and I'll sob when you're scoffed

by a Doberman.

I'm joking. I'm joking. It's going to cost you a tenner.

-No, come here. I'm only kidding.

-Get off me.

-It's all right.

Oh, no, Doberman!

Argh! Argh! Where?! Where?!

For heavens sake, have you just weed yourself?

Serves you right. Rodent style, yeah.

That's points there for Edward and Inaaya. All still to play for.

-Inaaya?

-Can I please have Army?

True or false, you could join the Egyptian army at nine years old?

Is that true or is that false? Let's have a look. What's the answer?

It's false. Joining the Army at the age of nine?

Please! We were more civilised than that.

You had to be 10.

So not far out with nine but just far enough.

Well done, Jasmine. Your turn now to pick a topic.

-Could I have Cures please?

-And that is a prop question.

-Prop question.

-Prop question.

-Prop question.

A slap on the head with a dead fish

was an ancient Egyptian cure for a migraine.

Is that true or is that false?

I can tell you it is true.

Congratulations, Edward. You go into the lead.

-Now then...

-Ouch! You've given me a headache.

I can make that better.

Oh, you've cured me.

That is the most fun I've ever had on this show. Terrific.

One category left and that category is Ramesses.

True or false, Ramesses had over 200 wives.

Is that true or is that false?

It's true.

I should know, I'm his wife number 203.

Which makes me feel so special.

I'm sure it does.

Inaaya grabs a point at the end there,

which means that we are in a tie-breaker situation.

Beginning with the letter B,

which organ was removed by sticking a hook...

-Edward?

-Brain.

-Absolutely right.

Beginning with the letter B, which organ was removed by sticking

a hook up the nose in the mummification process.

It was the brain. Congratulations, Edward.

Help yourself to a Year Sphere.

There we go. We'll find out what's in there later on.

OK. Edward's through to play the Egyptian game

but will it be just him or will the others get to play too?

Let's find out.

It's an All Play game,

so that means it's down the Time Sewer with the lot of you.

-Adios.

-Adios, Inaaya.

Time to 'work' like an Egyptian as we play...

Pyramid Puzzle.

In 2,500 BC the Great Pyramid was constructed

out of an amazing 2.3 million limestone blocks.

But our lucky contestants only have 11 polystyrene ones.

First to complete their pyramid wins a Year Sphere.

Three, two, one, build!

And off they go. So, we've mixed things up here, Rattus.

They need to find their stones from the pile

before they can build their pyramids.

-Ho-ho! And they've released a mummy.

-Ooh, mummy alert! Mummy alert!

I was not expecting that, and neither were you, Rattus,

by the look of that puddle on the floor.

-Oh, no, Dave, that was there before. It's how I like it.

-Of course it is.

Silly of me to forget that momentarily.

These mummies really are putting them off.

Inaaya there, particularly distracted

-for my money.

-That is their job.

No, that's true. That is very true. Did you know, Rattus,

the stones for the actual Pyramids came from 500 miles away?

Not next-day delivery, I'm guessing.

Ooh, imagine the cost of the post and the packaging.

Astronomical, Rattus!

Now, Jasmine has her first piece in place, but look at Edward.

He's moved on to his second layer there.

This is interesting. I think he's taking a slight lead.

Inaaya looks as if she's in a slight state of disarray,

as Edward continues his relentless march

towards construction completion. Builders always say they're going

-to be finished before they are, don't they?

-And they never turn up

when they say they're going to turn up, either.

And they're always going for tea breaks.

But enough about builders! Never mind about them.

Look at that. That tessellates perfectly.

We're liking that.

Yeah, I have to say, Jasmine is still very much in this.

Jasmine is in this because that bottom layer is nearly complete.

Inaaya just slightly off the pace, it has to be said.

But Edward is nearly there.

For my money, Rattus, he's doing extremely well now.

That's really beginning to look like a pyramid, isn't it?

It certainly is,

but it's the points and the slopes that make it really tricky.

Yeah, it is, but all he has to do is deliver the point. This is it.

This is the end of the game, Rattus. He's done it.

Edward has built it. He wins. Any thoughts?

The mummies quite surprised me because...

-Hello.

-MUMMY GROANS

..because when they jumped out, you probably wouldn't expect it.

Terrific effort, everybody. Terrific effort.

Well played, Edward. Help yourself to another Year Sphere.

Excellent stuff. What's in there? We'll find out later.

Ooh, Dave, Rodent Style's gone viral.

Everything goes viral when you're around.

-Either that or bacterial.

-It's bigger than Despacito.

People love it! Look around you. Everyone's doing the Sewer Slide.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

# Do the Sewer Slide

# Poo, poo, poo, poo-ee!

# Rodent style! #

-Can you do the Sewer Slide, Dave?

-DAVE CHUCKLES

# Do the Sewer Slide

# Poo, poo, poo, poo-ee!

# Rodent style. #

-You could have just said no.

-Yeah, I should perhaps have said no.

Right, round three.

Over to the Gory Grid to find out what's up next.

It's the Measly Middle Ages.

Four questions, as always,

and here are your four Middle Ages topics...

So, Inaaya, it's your turn to pick first this time.

-What would you want?

-Can I please have Gold?

In the Middle Ages, people believed they could make gold

from mixing which two substances?

Show me now, please.

Ooh, a complete spread!

What's the answer, please?

The answer is B.

We believed you could make gold from eggs and horse poo, of course!

-HE SCOFFS

-Figs and cat wee!

That would never work!

It's true. Italian alchemist Bernard of Treviso

spent eight years hard-boiling chicken eggs,

mixing them with horse dung and leaving them to rot

until he had a disgusting-smelling mixture of chicken eggs and poo.

Which is obviously far better than gold.

To some folk.

Congratulations, Edward. A point to you.

Jasmine, it's your turn to pick.

Please could I have Knights?

How long was the training to become a knight?

Show me now, please.

What is the answer, please?

The answer is B.

-Yes!

-A knight trained for 14 years.

He was first a pageboy at seven, then a squire at 14,

then a knight at 21.

Then a corpse at 28.

Yeah, most probably that's true, Rattus.

Well played, Inaaya. A point for you there.

Edward, it's your turn to pick a topic.

Can I have Leeches, please?

-That is a prop question.

-Oh, it's a prop question.

-BOTH:

-Prop question! Prop question! Prop question!

Leeches were popular for Middle Ages medicine,

but how did a leech collector collect them?

Was it A, with a net, B, by standing in a marsh,

or C, with a jar of blood?

Show me your answers, please.

I can tell you, the answer is...

-..B.

-Oh!

-Well done, Edward.

Each collector stood in marshes

and waited for the little bloodsuckers to bite their legs.

Well played, Edward.

Oh, Rattus. Oh, Rattus, please tell me you haven't eaten them.

HE BURPS

Excuse me.

Rodent style.

Final question in this round is on Anglo-Saxons, and here it comes.

Which famous manuscript that chronicled the history

of the Anglo-Saxons was begun in 891?

The Anglo-Saxon what?

Show me your answers, please.

What's the answer, please?

The answer is A.

The Anglo-Saxon Chronicle. It's a great read.

Or so I'm told. Us peasants can't read.

Probably best just to look at the pictures.

Well done, Edward. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Another point for you means that you have secured yourself

another Year Sphere. Collect away.

OK, Edward is the winner of the Middle Ages quiz,

so he goes through to play the Middle Ages game.

But will he be on his own or will everyone get to join him?

Let's find out.

Oh, it's a single-player game.

-So, Edward, off down the Time Sewer on your own.

-Goodbye!

-Goodbye.

Imagine a piano, but instead of musical notes,

each key triggers a different pig squeal.

Sounds deranged, eh? That's cos it is. Time to play...

Can you believe King Louis XI

actually had one of these crazy instruments?

All you need to do is listen and repeat a sequence of piggy squeals.

They'll get one longer each time.

If you can repeat nine squeals, you'll win a Year Sphere.

Three, two, one... HORN BLARES

So, here we go with the first piggy sequence.

PIGS SQUEAL

Edward? PIGS SQUEAL

Yes, he's off to a flying start there.

So now the sequence, Rattus, gets one note longer each time.

He steps up to play again. I tell you what, you don't see this

-on Young Musician of the Year, do you?

-Which is a shame.

It is a shame in many ways.

Yes, he's safely through that. Six squeaks coming up.

Six lovely squeaks.

No pigs are injured in the playing of this piano.

Just want to make that absolutely clear.

PIGS SQUEAL

Ever played any animal instruments, Rattus?

-Er, the porcupine quill.

-Lovely. Excellent.

He's done it again. That means we're going to...

Oh, nasty guff there. Nasty guff from the end pig.

All designed to put him off, Rattus.

-Shameful, really.

-But it hasn't put Edward off at all.

-He's cracking on there.

-Is he going to get through this one?

Let's have a look.

PIGS SQUEAL

Yes, he's done it. I tell you what, he hasn't hit a bum note yet,

has he? DAVE CHUCKLES

A bum note, Rattus! RATTUS LAUGHS

Oh, well done, me. Terrific.

He's... I like the way he moves his hand, Rattus.

Do you see that? It's like he's counting,

almost trying to influence the pigs with his mind rays.

There's a glorious smell of bacon during this game,

-isn't there, Dave?

-Oh, there certainly is.

I mean, that really is the best thing about it, actually.

He's a virtuoso, this lad. This is the final sequence.

He's done well up to now,

but this nine-squealer is very problematic indeed.

Here we go. He's on the way.

-Edward is a focused lad.

-He certainly is.

He's only got about four squeaks left!

He's going to do it, I think, Rattus!

-He's there!

-Splendid.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE He's avoided being pooed on,

and that's always good.

When I was younger, I was at a farm with my childminder,

and I leaned over the fence to have a look at the pig

and it pooed on my shoe.

Well done, Edward. Tremendous memory skills.

Help yourself. By all means, help yourself.

There we go. Lovely.

Still one chance to win a Year Sphere, and this is it.

It's the final round.

Over to the Gory Grid to find out what we've got.

It's the Rotten Romans.

So, no quiz this round.

Straight down the Time Sewer with the lot of you.

-A-bye-bye, Dave!

-A-bye-bye!

Eugh, it smells like dog poo!

So, it's time for what I can safely say

is Rattus's favourite game.

Whoohoo!

What's stercus, Rattus?

-It's Latin for poop, of course.

-Of course it is.

And your job is to collect the stercus from the cesspit,

carry it along your lane, and slop it into your measuring cylinder.

The most proficient stercus farmer gets the Year Sphere.

-In three...

-Number two.

-Number ones!

HORN BLARES

So, our farmers leap into action,

everyone furiously gathering their first sack of stercus.

Oh, those poo troughs remind me -

it's been ages since I've been swimming.

Oh, that's horrible, Rattus.

Well, everyone's dropping a load of stercus here.

Oh, what have those Romans been eating, I wonder.

-Quite literally everything, Dave.

-Yeah.

You have to say, Rattus, these three are going really, really fast.

It's very impressive so far.

And I'm always surprised at how enthused they are

-to get their hands in the poop.

-Yeah, well, you know,

I would have thought you'd have understood that, Rattus.

You of all people. Inaaya's got a slight edge here, I think.

She's well underway here, isn't she?

But Edward and Jasmine are hot on her heels.

There's no doubt about it, this is going to be tight.

-Nice leap there from Edward.

-Yeah, very much so.

What do you think of those buckets, Rattus?

Well, they're not necessarily the best way to carry poop around.

One of the best ways to carry poop is actually on your fur.

Yeah, keep your distance, please, fella. Keep your distance.

Look at this. It's going very well

for all. I'm impressed. CLOCK CHIMES

-Now, that means there's 30 seconds left.

-Ooh!

-Oh!

Ho-ho-ho! Jasmine's down.

There is now stercus

everywhere, and you have to wonder whether Jasmine

will make it down that lane again.

But Inaaya - look at this!

Well, she's defying the slip.

She's skirted the stercus.

She's skirted the stercus

and she's managed to get another delivery and...

-Edward's down!

-Oh, he's all over the shop!

I think Inaaya could be onto something good here

because while the others flounder in the dirt,

she is farming the stercus.

ALARM BLARES And there's the final one.

-It's all over.

-She's done it.

Inaaya's farmed her way to first place,

and doesn't she look pleased about it?

The poo dropped on the left side,

and I went across to the right side, so I managed to skip the poo.

Skip the poo - words to live by.

Ah, well done, everyone. Welcome back.

Help yourself to a Year Sphere, Inaaya. Congratulations.

Excellent work.

Now, it is time to count up those Year Spheres.

And, remember, AD dates are added to your total,

and BC dates are subtracted from it. Here we go. Jasmine, let's

open up that first one, please.

1553 AD.

Roman Catholicism was restored in England

by Queen Mary I that year.

This could be crucial,

particularly for Inaaya.

Let's have a look at that second one.

Oh, it's a BC, Inaaya!

So, that keeps you in the game.

It's 509 BC.

Tarquinius Superbus, the last king of Rome,

was run out of the city that year.

Extraordinary. So, you're in the positive. That's good.

But you're not clear. Edward, let's have a look

at your first one.

Oh, my word!

170,000 BC!

All that hard work -

it's disappeared.

Humans first started wearing clothes round about then.

I mean, thank goodness they did, but it's cold consolation.

Let's have a look at that second Sphere.

That is 1596 AD.

Pocahontas was born that year.

Let's have a look at the third one there.

1542. You're on a roll now.

1542 AD. Mary, Queen of Scots

was born that year.

And what about that final one?

Well, again, another good one. 1613 AD.

The thatch roof at Shakespeare's

Globe Theatre caught fire that year.

Now then, Inaaya,

you suddenly find yourself very close to winning this.

You have to beat Jasmine's score of 1,044.

Let's have a look

what's inside there.

-It's 1509 AD.

-Yes!

Henry VIII ascended

to the English throne

that year.

And that means that, with that 1509 -

-1,509 points - Inaaya, you are today's champion.

-Yeah!

She's well pleased. RATTUS LAUGHS

She's made-up. That's excellent. What a comeback.

So, come on, Rat.i.am,

what terrible prize have you dredged up for us this week?

Oh, no, Dave. This week, I'm handing over something

which is truly special, which I was given

for the amazing number of downloads of my single, Rodent Style.

-Actually, that does sound pretty good.

-It's a brown disc.

-A BROWN disc? Shouldn't that be a gold disc?

-No.

It's a cowpat, isn't it?

-Yes.

-Yep.

-Heaven's sake! Here you go, Inaaya.

-Thank you.

That'll look good on the wall, I suppose.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Maybe look even better in a field

full of cows, however.

-Ew!

-And as for our runners-up, well, it's time for them to...

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

# Do the Sewer Slide

# Poo, poo, poo, poo-ee! #

Off you trot.

-Cheerio. Well played. Well played. Well played.

-Bye-bye!

-Bye, Dave.

-Bye!

-See you!

-# Hey, lovely lady

# Poo, poo, poo, poo-ee!

# Rodent style

# Do the Sewer Slide... #

-Oh, this is sick.

-# Poo, poo, poo

# Poo-ee! Rodent style! #

-He's been Rattus Rattus.

-Rattus, I was.

You've been watching Gory Games.

-BOTH:

-Goodbye!

# Poo, poo, poo-ee! Rodent style! #