Episode 5 HH: Gory Games

Get up to anything nice at the weekend, Rattus?

Yeah, went to the British Museum. It's great.

-It's even got free entry for rats.

-Really?

Yeah, via the U-bend in the toilets.

See anything good? Rosetta Stone? The Elgin Marbles?

The cat mummies. Got to love a dead cat.

But if they want to attract more rats...

Which I very much doubt.

..they really need some new exhibits,

and I've got an idea.

I don't like the sound of that.

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# You better turn off This show ain't for you

# Still watching? Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

# Horrible Histories Gory...

# ..Games! #

Hello, and welcome to Gory Games

with me, Dave Lamb.

And him, Dave Lamb.

And so it begins.

Let's meet today's horrible historians.

Hi, I'm Danyal, and I'm from London.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hi, I'm Rose and this is Magic,

-and we're from the Wirral!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hi, I'm Tia, and I'm from Derby.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome, everybody. You are playing to win Year Spheres, of course.

The person with the highest year score at the end of the show

will win a prize that has been plucked

out of the Time Sewer by Mr Rattus Rattus.

And you won't be disappointed.

I beg to differ. Time to crack on with round one.

Let's find out what it's about by going over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Incredible Inca.

So, four questions, then, on the Incredible Inca coming up.

The person who gets the most right wins the first Year Sphere.

And your four Inca topics are...

So, Danyal, you get to pick first this round.

-Which of those takes your fancy?

-Pachacuti, please.

-Pachacuti.

-Let's hear that question.

-Pachacuti was a famous Inca emperor,

but what does his name actually mean -

A, he who shakes the Earth,

B, he who rules the skies,

C, he who ate too much llama?

Show me now, please.

OK, Danyal and Rose think it's A. Tia thinks it's C.

What's the answer?

The answer is A, he who shakes the Earth.

Me, I'm he who ate too much llama.

-TUMMY RUMBLES

-Oh! Excuse me!

Ooh, crikey! Excellent start. Bad luck, Tia.

That's a point apiece for Danyal and Rose.

And, Rose, it's your turn to pick now. What'll you have?

-Myths, please.

-Let's hear that question.

What did the Inca believe the first man emerged from?

Show me now, please.

Danyal and Tia think it's A.

Rose disagrees this time. What's the answer, please?

The answer is B. We believe the first man

emerged from a cave called Paqariq Tampu.

Point for you there, Rose. Well played. Well played indeed.

Tia, your turn to pick.

Could I have Discipline, please?

You certainly can, and that is a prop question.

-BOTH:

-Prop question! Prop question! Prop question! Prop question!

-Oh.

-No-one's joining in. How embarrassing.

In Inca times, badly-behaved school pupils

were disciplined by caning, but where were they caned?

Was it A, on the palms of their hands,

was it B, on the soles of their feet,

or was it C, on their bottoms?

-HE LAUGHS

-You said bottom!

-Rattus...

-Zip!

All right, let's see those answers now, please.

Everybody thinks it's C.

The answer is actually B,

they were caned on the soles of their feet. Wha-cha!

Oh, bottoms would have been funnier.

To be fair, it probably would have been.

Right, there is one topic left in this round, and it is Llamas.

How many llamas were sacrificed every month

at the Temple of the Sun God?

Let's have a look at those answers.

Everybody thinks it's C.

Are they all right or are they all wrong?

The answer is B, 100 llamas.

It's to make sure the God brings the sun up every morning,

and it works!

Whatever you say. So, that's a point for no-one there. Unlucky.

But it does mean that, at the end of this round, Rose,

you have won the first Year Sphere. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And that means it's also time for me to say...

TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS ..all hail the Potty Pyramid!

OK, Rose, help yourself to your first Year Sphere.

Choose carefully, though, Rose,

because AD dates will be added to your total,

and as you know, BC dates will be subtracted.

We'll see what's inside there later on.

So, winning the Inca quiz means that Rose

is automatically through to play the Inca game.

But will she be alone or will everyone get to play?

Let's find out, shall we?

Ooh, it's a single-player game, Rose.

So, off down the Time Sewer on your own.

You can take Magic.

-See you, Rose!

-Bye!

-Oh, it stinks!

For this next game, we've got a royal Inca mummy -

don't ask how - and it needs to get stuffed. It's time to play...

First, get the guts out and stuff some herbs in.

Then, swap the eyeballs for shells.

Tie them up, pop on the wig and headpiece so they look lovely.

Well, less horrible.

Do it all within the time limit, and the Year Sphere is yours.

Are you ready, Rose? Are you ready, Magic?

In three, two, one...

HORN BLARES

Away goes Rose.

Sensibly, a look over the shoulder there at the instructions.

-Isn't that sensible, Rattus?

-Very sensible.

And, straight away, out come the intestines.

-Oh, she's really pulling.

-Oh, it's like a tug of gore.

Actually, that's very good, Rattus. Well done. Well done.

She's bunging them in the rope basket. Nice.

-Yeah, the guts are taken out and they are replaced with herbs.

-Herbs.

-Herbs!

-Herbs!

-Herbs!

And in go the herbs. Superb. A little tentative here.

She needs to go a little bit faster, I feel. Onto the eyes.

Onto the eyes, and there, she's involved a spoon.

That's great. The judges are very happy with that,

-and out comes the first eyeball, Rattus.

-Scoopy McScoop.

Scoopy McScoop-face. It's in there. She's got to take a shell now

and replace the eyeball with that in the bandaged socket.

Out comes the second eye. Oh, you never get used to this,

no matter how many times you've seen it, Rattus.

There goes the second shell. Still that's done now. That is done.

And that is what she's aiming for, Rattus.

That gentleman in the background there. Oh!

Oh, it's a bit of snappy leggy there.

Oh, it went back the wrong way!

It's a good job this mummy's passed on

because that really would have hurt.

He's not playing ball, though, is he, this mummy?

The rigor mortis has set in there.

That's what's the problem here, I think. He's not very pliable.

30 seconds remaining.

Just 30 seconds left, and, thankfully,

Rose is onto the rope.

She's really got her work cut out here,

but she's still in the game.

Now, that's got to get tied up.

We're not going to insist on it looking exactly like

that one in the background, are we, Rattus?

-No, we're not pedants.

-No, we're not pedants.

That's the last accusation

that could be levelled at us.

But we do like to see the rope involved,

and that is a rope, and it is involved.

She just needs now to get

the wig and the headdress on,

and she's going to have this, Rattus.

There goes the wig! There goes the hat!

She's done it!

And what, I wonder, did Magic think of that?

Magic thought that it was very gross, like I did.

Well, it was disgusting, but how did you complete it in the time?

I think I might have broken its leg just a little bit.

Well, what's a little break amongst friends?

Congratulations, Rose, on a splendid mummy.

Help yourself to a Year Sphere.

Excellent. What's in there? We'll find out later on.

HE SNIFFS Rattus, what is that terrible stink?

No, the fabulous stink is my new museum exhibit -

the Rattus Rattus collection.

Mm, yeah, I've gone down the Time Sewer to get

a sample of poop from every single king or queen of England

and Britain since William the Conqueror.

Oh, good grief!

When it's complete, I'm going to leave it to the British Museum.

-Quite sure they're going to want that?

-Course. Who wouldn't?

I can think of one person who wouldn't.

Do you mind if I put it down here for a bit? Oof!

Onto round two. To find out what's up next,

it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Terrible Tudors.

And here are your all-important Terrible Tudor topics...

So, Rose, it's your turn to pick first this time.

-Which one do you fancy?

-Father Christmas.

-Father Christmas.

And that is a prop question.

Prop question! Prop question!

-ALL:

-Prop question! Prop question!

Whoosh! Ho-ho-ho!

True or false - during Tudor times,

Father Christmas was known as Daddy Christmas?

Is that true or is that false? Show me now.

Ooh, everybody thinks it's true.

Well, I can tell you, it's false.

In Tudor times, Father Christmas was known as Captain Christmas.

Tia, it's your turn to pick.

Henry VIII, please.

True or false - in 1513,

Henry VIII took a portable bowling alley with him to France?

Is that true or is that false? Show me now, please.

Wow. Everybody in total agreement once again.

They all think it's true. What's the answer?

It's true.

Henry VIII loved playing skittles so much,

he took a portable set with him when he travelled to France.

Well done, everybody. A point apiece there. Superb stuff.

Danyal, pick away.

-Spies, please.

-Spies.

That is a question from Rattus Rattus.

True or false - to send secret messages,

spy master Sir Francis Walsingham used wee as an invisible ink?

Is that true or is that false? Show me now, please.

They all think it's true. Are they right or are they wrong, Rattus?

Oh, it's a terrible shame because

it's true!

Walsingham did indeed use wee as an invisible ink.

He did. He also used lemon juice.

Mm. I use wee to leave messages myself.

The message is usually,

-"Rattus weed here."

-THEY LAUGH

HE SIGHS One topic left in this round.

It is Gardens. Here comes the question.

True or false - in Tudor times,

posh people would keep their gardens free of pests

by burying a pig bladder in the garden?

Is that true or is that false? Let's have a look at those answers.

Well, some disagreement here. Danyal thinks it's false.

Rose and Tia both think it's true. What's the answer, please?

It's false.

Tudors kept pests away by burying a horse's head in the garden.

-That was supposed to keep pests away?

-Mm.

-I bet it attracted rats.

-Oi! We are not pests.

I beg to differ.

Danyal, congratulations. An extra point for you.

That means that you have won your first Year Sphere.

Help yourself. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HE SNIFFS He sniffed it.

-He sniffed it, Rattus.

-Good choice.

Well done, Danyal. You're through to play the Tudor game,

but will it just be you or will the others get to play, too?

Let's find out, shall we?

It's an all-play game!

Everybody, down the Time Sewer together.

-Bye!

-Off you go, Tia. Bye!

-Bye, Rattus.

-Oh, see you later.

-Bye, Rattus and Lamb.

-Rattus?

-Have fun!

Henry VIII was one of Britain's most powerful kings ever,

so he had people to do everything for him, and I mean everything,

even wipe his bottom.

It's time to play...

Oh, that's great.

I haven't got a sample of Henry VIII's poop yet.

Oi, will one of you bring some back, please?

You are the groom of the stool, groom meaning servant,

stool meaning, well, poop. HE LAUGHS

When Henry calls, you come running and check his poop.

In the meantime, brick up the bedroom door

so that he can sleep safe from assassins.

First to brick up the entire doorway

wins themselves a lovely Year Sphere.

In three, two, one, go! HORN BLARES

OK, off we go, and Tia is off like a shot. What a start, Rattus.

-It's excellent.

-Danyal's had a refusal already,

and Rose very calmly assessing the situation.

I like it. I like it a lot.

The trick to this game is to get a couple of pieces in play

-to discover which is the wrong bit.

-Yeah, no, that's true.

-You've got to make mistakes to make progress.

-I'm finished!

Now, Henry needs his stool groomed, and here come the willing groomers.

Tia taking a cursory look there.

Danyal plopping it out really quite aggressively, I thought.

And Rose trying not to look. I don't blame her.

I don't blame her at all. It's disgusting, that bit.

OK, back to these walls.

Look at this. Rose is doing very nicely indeed.

That's a tricky little piece, and she's got it secured properly.

That looks wrong from Danyal there.

And Tia's got a bit that's sticking out

facing either the corridor or the room, we don't know.

-I'm finished!

-Oh, look out!

-Henry's gone again. Everybody, look away now!

-Why?

-You'll miss the best bit.

-It's not the best bit.

It's absolutely disgusting.

I can't believe we're allowed to get away with it.

-It's a lovely brown soup.

-Oh!

Back to the wall building, which I really quite enjoy.

And Rose is doing remarkably well here.

She's only one piece shy.

-I think she's going to do this, Rattus.

-I think she is.

Oh, Magic will be absolutely cock-a-hoop about this.

-And so will Rose.

-And it's in there!

-It's in!

It's all over, and look at the pattern.

Beautiful pattern, as well. Well played, Rose. Well done, Magic.

The poo was all sloppy, and it looked like diarrhoea,

and it was so gross.

I was very close to Rose, but when I was building, my bricks,

they just stuck together, but Rose did a good job.

I think it was annoying that Henry VIII very helpfully called,

"I'm finished" just when you are putting the right bricks in.

-I'm finished!

-No, no, no. No. No.

Well played. Well played, Rose. Brilliant.

-What's that?

-Poo!

-It's for Rattus?

-Oh, Rose! Is that Henry VIII's poo?

Oh, for goodness' sake! I suppose you want me to put this

-in your collection, do you?

-Yes, please.

Oh, Rattus, this is absolutely revolting. Oh!

Do you know, you're just jealous

because the only impressive collection you've got

is of your hair down your plughole.

THEY LAUGH Right, round three, I think.

Bye, poops. See you later.

Let's go over to the Gory Grid to find out what's up next.

It's the Rotten Romans.

So, four questions, as always,

and here are your four Roman topics...

So, Tia, it's your turn to lead us off.

-Can I have Cures, please?

-Cures? You certainly can.

We ancient Romans believed a person suffering from illness

could be cured by being rubbed all over with a what?

Show me your answers now, please.

Wow! Danyal thinks it's A.

Rose and Tia think it's B. What's the answer, please?

The answer is B.

To cure sickness, rub yourself

-with a puppy.

-Yeah.

Or to catch sickness, rub yourself with a rat.

That's points for Rose and for Tia.

Danyal, which of those topics do you fancy?

-Sewers, please.

-Sewers. Let's hear the question.

What was the name of Rome's sewer system?

Show me now, please.

They all think it's A. What's the answer?

The answer is A,

the Cloaca Maxima, which was thought to be

presided over by the goddess Cloacina.

She's one of our pongier deities. Lovely girl, though.

Yes, I can imagine.

Well done, everybody. A point apiece there.

Everybody still in this round. Rose, which one would you like?

-Evil Spirits, please.

-Evil Spirits.

That, unfortunately, is a question from Rattus Rattus.

RATTUS CLEARS HIS THROAT

Romans would attempt to keep evil spirits away from the house

by putting what underneath it -

A, rotten chicken livers,

B, dogs' blood,

or C, a dead... Ooh-ooh-ooh! ..cat?

Show me now, please.

Ooh, Danyal thinks it's C.

Rose and Tia think it's A. What's the answer, Rattus?

I'm afraid the answer is B.

Romans tried to keep evil spirits away

by placing dogs' blood under the house.

One topic left in this round. It is Fires.

What were Roman fire hoses made out of?

Let's have a look at those answers.

Ooh, Danyal and Rose agreeing this time with C.

Tia thinks it's B. What's the answer, please?

The answer is A.

Roman fire hoses were made out of pickled

cow intestines. Brilliant, isn't it?

Yeah, I'll say!

Pickled cow intestines make great hoses,

-and even better snacks.

-HE LAUGHS

Oh, for heaven's sake! Well, that's the end of the round,

and as we can see here, we have a tie-breaker situation.

OK, this is between Rose and Tia.

Starting with the letter I,

which modern country did the Roman Empire originate from?

PFRRRRRRT! Rose?

-Italy.

-Italy is absolutely correct. Well done, Rose.

Help yourself to another Year Sphere.

Bad luck, Tia.

Rose, as the winner of the Roman quiz,

you're through to play the Roman game.

But will it be just you, or will the others go, too?

Let's have a look.

Oh, it's a single player. Are you ready, Rose?

Then off you go down the Time Sewer.

-Bye, Rattus.

-See you, Rose. Bring me back another poo!

-OK.

You can never have too many poos.

It's all kicking off in 31 BC.

Mark Antony and Octavian are fighting each other

for control of the Roman Empire. Let's play...

You are on Octavian's side.

Use your catapult to sink Mark Antony's ships.

For every direct hit, you get a point.

For Mark Antony's blue ship, it's double bubble - two points.

Five points gets you a big, fat Year Sphere.

Let the mayhem commence in three, two, one.

HORN BLARES So, here we go, then.

It's war, and it's time to start sinking ships.

Rose readying the catapult for that all-important first shot.

Oh, dear. Well, that's just plopped out.

I think there may have been a problem

-with the mechanism there, Rattus.

-I'm thinking that myself.

I think that must have been what happened,

because that second shot is much more like it.

Really troubling those ships.

Mark Antony's fleet's in trouble here.

-And that's what... Oh!

-Oh!

-Oh, it stayed up!

You've got to strike them high on the mainsail.

You're absolutely right, Rattus. You really do have to do that.

Otherwise, they don't go over, and that one does go over,

and I think we saw there the benefit of catching it flush on the sail.

Oh, she's being so unlucky here, Rattus!

-They're very well laden with ballast in this game.

-They are.

-Mark Antony's a clever tactician...

-30 seconds remaining.

..and he's clearly loaded up his ships very heavily.

Just 30 seconds left now,

and here comes Trevor the seagull.

Watch out for your chips!

Yeah, hold on to your chips, folks!

It's big Trev the seagull,

and he's back to cause mischief and mayhem.

And, to be fair, he's putting Rose off here.

She's really grappling with that catapult still.

-It's an admirable effort.

-It certainly is.

She needs to get some shots away.

Magic can't watch any more,

or maybe he's scared of Trevor,

which, frankly, would be sensible.

It's not going to happen for her here.

-Just two seconds left.

-Time's up.

-Oh!

And Mark Antony survives unscathed. No Year Sphere for Rose.

Bad luck, Rose. Trevor the seagull put you off there, didn't he?

Cheeky Trevor.

Still, one more Year Sphere still to be won.

I've dropped the sample of Henry VI's poop somewhere.

Has anybody seen it?

Er, Henry VI was only nine months old

when he came to the throne, so it's kind of green.

Oh, well, I suppose it should be easy to spot.

-SQUELCH! Oh!

-Oh, Dave, you found it!

Oh, for heaven's sake!

The Rattus Rattus collection is complete!

Congratulations, I suppose.

I think I'll just put that down there.

Time for the final round.

Over to the Gory Grid to find out what we've got.

It's the Vile Victorians. Good day.

So, no quiz, as always.

Straight to our jumbo-sized, all-play end game,

and this one really puts the horrible into Horrible Histories.

Come on, off down the Time Sewer with the lot of you.

-Bye, Dave and Rattus!

-Bye!

-Bye, Rattus!

-See you, guys.

-Bye, Rattus and Dave.

-See you, Danyal.

At the start of Queen Victoria's reign,

surgeons needed dead bodies to practise on.

It's time to play...

All you have to do is get three corpses

onto the surgeon's table and grab your cash.

But there's a policeman about, so if you hear a whistle...

WHISTLE BLOWS ..rush back to the cemetery

and hide until you get the all clear.

First to get their hands on the dosh is the winner.

Three, two, one... HORN BLARES

And they're off, and Tia, as always,

very quick out of the blocks, isn't she, Rattus?

Oh, she's quick off the mark, that girl.

Yeah, but let's hope she's got the right corpse there.

She didn't actually check for the key, I don't think.

-And the key's key in this game.

-The key is key, as it always is.

So, she may get up the other end here

and realise she hasn't got the key she needs. Let's see.

-We're not sure.

-Oh, strangely, that cadaver's made a run for it.

Yeah, I think gravity's taking over there a little bit,

but she's popped it back on, and that, I like to see.

This is getting very close. Now, this is the big moment.

Has that cadaver got the key on it?

-Yes, it has.

-Excellent.

-Well, that's good news for Tia.

So, how are we looking here?

All three of them up at the gates and wrestling with their padlocks,

and Tia and Rose through simultaneously there.

-Pretty much neck and neck there.

-It really is close, this, isn't it?

Danyal struggling a little bit over there,

and now we're on board, we're getting a sense there

-of what it's like to be an actual cadaver on a trolley.

-Nice.

Yeah, really nice. I like that. I liked it a lot.

Danyal through now, delivers his first one.

So, they're all in the game,

and Tia wrestling her second body through those railings there.

Look at that. WHISTLE BLOWS

-Ah, the policeman!

-Here's Peter the Peeler.

Yeah, here he comes. Now, wait a minute.

Danyal has not returned to the graveyard,

which is against the rules.

The policeman's playing it very cool here,

but I think he's spotted Danyal,

and there could trouble for him later on because of that.

WHISTLE BLOWS Well, they're carrying on,

but I think we haven't heard the last of that incident.

Yes, I'm pretty certain Danyal's in trouble there.

But, anyway, Tia and Rose are back neck and neck. This is remarkable.

Tia the first to get the second body through the gate,

and there's Rose, levelling it up.

And here comes Danyal.

Really struggling with that wobbly trolley there.

-We love a wobbly trolley.

-Yeah.

Everybody's snatching bodies very nicely at the moment,

but Tia maintaining a good lead. Here she goes.

Wrestling that third body. Watch Danyal, though, in the background.

Look at that technique through the railings.

He just put his arm through and grabbed the body,

and he's made up a huge amount of ground there. Look at that.

It's a slim lead now for Tia. She's got to grab the bag of money,

and she's gone the wrong way, Rattus.

There's the bag, Tia! It's behind you! It's behind you!

Danyal's spotted his. Danyal's now taken a small lead.

He's through! He's in the lead here. He's through the railings. Tia's...

-Ooh, Tia's nearly over.

-She's down on the ground,

but, yes, the policeman spotted the rule break.

Danyal spending a night in the cell. Tia spends the night celebrating.

I felt really good because I was trying my hardest to get there,

and then I just felt like...

I just felt like dancing everywhere.

Well played. What a controversial end.

Help yourself to a Year Sphere, Tia.

Marvellous. There we go.

It's time to count up those Year Spheres.

And, remember, AD dates are added to your total,

and BC dates are subtracted from it. Here we go.

OK, Danyal, let's have a look inside that

Year Sphere. What have you got?

Open it up for us.

There we go. It's 1003 AD.

Edward the Confessor was born that year.

So, Danyal, that's good.

OK, Rose, let's start off

going through your four.

Let's have a look.

1650 BC.

Ooh, it's not a great start,

but it's not disastrous either.

The last mammoths became extinct

around that time.

Let's have a look at the second one.

Oh, it's another BC.

1343 BC - the birth of Tutankhamen.

Come on, let's get some positives going.

Let's have a look at the next one.

There we go. That's better. 1286 AD.

Eyeglasses were invented

in Italy that year. And let's have a look

at your final one.

1807 AD -

the first steamships were invented.

Rose, that means you've got 100 points,

so it means you're currently

in second place.

Danyal, you're still in the lead.

It all rests on the opening of this final Sphere.

Tia, let's have a look at it.

1756 AD.

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

was born that year, and that means that, Tia,

-you have come with a late run and you are today's winner.

-Yes!

And, Tia, your prize has been personally selected

by Rattus from the horrors floating in the Time Sewer.

Yeah. Once owned by America's first president, George Washington,

this prize is sure to put a smile on your face.

-Because it's a set of false teeth.

-Yes, indeed.

Made from ivory, lead, and Washington's own teeth,

as well as teeth extracted from his slaves.

-What?!

-Oh, it's OK, sort of.

He paid for them - 122 shillings for nine teeth.

-Tia, I can only apologise.

-It's OK.

-I hope you take some pleasure from them.

-Thank you.

Apologies also to our two runners-up,

who are taking the fast but smelly route home

down the Time Sewer.

Sorry. Off you go, Rose. Off you go.

-Bye, Rattus!

-See you, Rose!

Oh, this is gross!

-Bye, cruel world.

-See you, Danyal.

Bye, cruel world!

Oh! It's so cold! It's so cold!

I'm off to present my collection

to the British Museum.

There you go, Rattus.

Take that with you.

That was Rattus Rattus. I've been Dave Lamb.

You've been watching Gory Games.

Goodbye.

-# Games. #

-So gross! Oh!

-Eeh!

-So, did they like it?

Oh, did they like it? Did they like it?

They've given it pride of place. Look!

-In the bin?

-Exactly!

Oh, I am so proud. So proud! Eeh!