Episode 6 HH: Gory Games

-Ow! OW!

-Oh, Dave, what's the problem?

-It's my ankle, it's really swollen.

-Oh, let Dr Rattus have a look.

Take your shoe off and let's have a peep.

HE SNIFFS INTENTLY

Oh-ho-ho!

Oh, sorry, Dave - can't resist a cheesy sock!

Anyway, that ankle does look a bit swollen.

-Yeah, at your ripe old age, it's probably the rheumatism.

-Really?

Mmm. I'll pop down the pharmacy.

Don't be too long, Rattus, the show's about to start.

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# Better turn off This show ain't for you

# Still watching? Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

# Horrible Histories Gory...

# ..Games! #

Hello, and welcome to Gory Games. I'm Dave Lamb.

And I'm Rattus Rattus.

Quick, Dave, put that on.

-It's a cure for rheumatism.

-What is it?

Well, it's some donkey skin. I got it from a Tudor pharmacy.

-A Tudor pharmacy?

-Yeah, go on, put it on. What have you got to lose?

-Er...

-Just my dignity, as it turns out - again!

Time to meet our Horrible Historians.

Hi, my name's Ruhama, and I'm from London.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hi, I'm Ben, and I'm from Wiltshire.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hi, I'm Charlotte, and I'm from Leeds.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome, everyone. Right, you lot are playing to win Year Spheres.

The person with the highest year score at the end of the show

will win a prize fished - or should that be flushed -

out of the Time Sewer by Rattus Rattus.

Uh, that's Dr Rattus Rattus MD CBBC PhFlea.

Yes... Time to crack on with round one.

Let's find out what it's about by going over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Measly Middle Ages.

So, four questions on the Measly Middle Ages coming up.

The person who gets the most right wins the first Year Sphere.

And your four Measly Middle Ages topics are...

So, Ruhama, it's your turn to pick first in this first round.

-Which would you like?

-Can I have Kings, please?

In 884, who became the king of Western Francia?

Show me now, please.

OK, what's the answer?

The answer is...

It's true, or my name isn't Sam the Stinky.

Which it is. It absolutely is. Well done, Ben, an excellent start.

-What would you like, Ben?

-I would like Peasants, please.

In the early Middle Ages, peasants, or churls,

made their homes out of wattle and daub.

Wattle was made of long slender hazel branches woven together,

but what was the daub?

A mix of water, mud, straw... and what?

And the answers now, please.

What's the answer, please?

The answer is...

Which is also what holds my clothes together.

One of the many reasons the Middle Ages is in my top three eras.

Yes, I can well believe it. Excellent work.

We're all level pegging again. There are two categories left.

Charlotte, you get to choose this time.

-Monsters, please.

-Monsters. That is a question from Rattus Rattus.

In the Middle Ages... My favourite era!

..people believed in monsters from far-off lands.

One such monster was a bonnacon, but what is it?

Is it A, a giant monkey that spat at you,

B, a giant rat with a lethal spiky tail,

or C, a giant bull that attacked you with its poo?

Show me now, please.

What's the answer, Rattus?

The answer is...

People in the Middle Ages believed a bonnacon was a giant bull

that used projectile poo as a weapon.

Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, beware of the bull!

So, Ruhama and Ben take a slender lead with one category left.

Rattus, can I take these donkey ears off now, please?

Oh, no, no, no, no-one will notice you're wearing them anyway.

You look just the same. Hee-haw!

Brilliant. So glad I asked! The final topic is Popes.

What did Pope Innocent VIII do on his deathbed to try

and prolong his life?

..Or C, drink the blood of living children?

Let's see those answers.

-What is the answer, please?

-The answer is...

Pope Innocent VIII drank the blood of living children

in an attempt to prolong his life.

Pope, maybe, but innocent? Not so much.

Eurgh... Well, that's the end of the round.

Ruhama and Ben, you've done extremely well -

three points a piece.

Bad luck, Charlotte. For now, you are history.

We are entering a tie-breaker situation.

KLAXON

Beginning with the letter A,

what was the name of the mythical English king who had a round table?

King...?

Ruhama.

-Arthur.

-Arthur is correct.

Well done, Ruhama - you've won the quiz.

Time to choose your Year Sphere,

and that means it's time for me to say...

VOICE ECHOES: All hail the Potty Pyramid!

Hee-haw!

TRIUMPHANT CHORAL MUSIC

Ruhama, help yourself.

And choose wisely, because AD dates will be added to your total score

and of course BC dates will be subtracted from it.

Stick it on the podium. We'll find out what's in there later.

Now, winning the Middle Ages quiz means that Ruhama is automatically

through to play the Middle Ages game, but will she be alone

or will everyone get to play? Let's find out.

Oh, it's a single-player game,

so Ruhama, off down the Time Sewer on your own, please.

-Eurgh, it stinks!

-Yeah, eurgh!

It's time for a swine of a game

featuring one of the most unusual musical instruments ever invented.

Yes, it's time to play...

Unbelievably, King Louis XI of France actually had one of these.

Each key poked a spike into a different-sized pig.

Their squeals formed a musical note. All you have to do is listen

and repeat a sequence of piggy squeals which gets longer each time.

Remember, nine in a row and you've got yourself a Year Sphere.

In three, two, one...

Squeal!

Yes, this is a Gory Games classic. The first sequence is four squeals.

Let's see how she gets on.

PIGS SQUEAL Yes.

Lovely. Terrific!

No problems there. Five this time.

Remember, she needs to complete a sequence of mine squeals to win.

Here she goes. PIGS SQUEAL

Terrific. Yeah.

Textbook. Smashing.

Ruhama's making this look easy, isn't she, Rattus?

She certainly is, Dave.

I've got an old recording of a pig piano,

but there's a lot of crackling.

DAVE CHUCKLES Oh, I say!

Of course, if the pigs hit the wrong notes, they get a rights roasting!

Oh...! DAVE LAUGHS

Hey, Rattus, Rattus, this game is squeal-y good!

RATTUS SIGHS

Sque... Squeal-y good... OK...

Let's get back to the game, shall we?

-Ruhama's doing extremely well, here. That's one. That's two.

-Two.

-PIG SQUEALS Three. Successful.

-Three.

-Four.

-Four.

-Yes, five.

-Five.

-Yes, six.

-Six!

-Seven!

-Seven!

-She is cruising along here, isn't she?

-Eight to come next. Can she do it, Rattus - yes or no?

-Yes!

I've put him on the spot. He thinks she's going to do it.

Let's find out.

Yes.

Yes, Rattus!

-SQUELCHING Oh!

-Oh!

-And there's so much poo!

It was a fantastic effort, but there's no Year Sphere.

Let's get Ruhama's reaction.

It was really annoying to get so close and not finish it properly,

and it was horrible being squirted by the poo cos it was so disgusting.

Oh, bad luck, Ruhama. Bad luck.

No Year Sphere this time, but plenty more still on offer.

-Dave, how's the ankle?

-Oh, it's not good, Rattus. It's no better.

Actually, this is coming off. HE SPLUTTERS

Look, I think I know why that didn't work.

-Because it was a load of old hocus-pocus nonsense?

-No.

You've got gout!

So I've also picked up this Tudor cure.

It's a mix of worms, pig marrow and herbs

all brought together with a red-haired dog.

-Oh, that sounds terrible.

-Just rub some on your foot.

No, Rattus, get off me!

-Bad rodent! Bad rodent!

-There we are. How does that feel?

Well, slippy. Mostly slippy...!

Oh! Argh!

Oh, great! Now I've got a headache as well.

Thank you, Dr Rattus!

GIGGLING

On to round two.

To find out what's next, it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Awful Egyptians.

And here are your awful Egyptian topics.

So, Ben, it's your turn to start us off this time.

Which one of those do you fancy?

I'll pick Tutankhamun, please.

True or false - Tutankhamun had his own personal nose picker that

would pick bogies from his nose?

Show me now, please. What's the answer?

It's...true!

And the Pharaoh's nose picker was paid three head of cattle.

-As well as all the bogeys he could eat.

-Well played, everybody.

That's a point a piece. A very, very good start indeed.

-Charlotte, it's your turn to pick.

-War, please.

-War.

Let's hear that question.

True or false - the ancient Egyptians were almost

always at war, fighting other nations?

Is that true, or is that false? Show me now, please.

What's the answer, please?

It's...false.

The deserts around Egypt meant it had no direct neighbours,

so no constant military threat.

Smug face!

Wow, well played, Ruhama. Another point for you there.

-And it's your turn to pick a topic.

-Can I have Cleopatra, please?

True or false - Cleopatra bathed in camel's milk to keep her skin soft?

Is that true, or is that false? Show me now, please.

Everybody thinks it's true. What's the answer, please?

It's...false.

Cleopatra bathed in donkey's milk. Camel's milk - as if!

I've been known to shower in donkey's wee.

That's a lovely image I'm not getting rid of quickly.

Thanks for that, Rattus.

Excellent. One more topic left in this round. Everything to play for.

It's on Ramesses II, and it is a prop question.

Prop question!

BOTH: Prop question, prop question!

That is a bull's tail.

Pharaoh Ramesses II wore a bull's tail pinned to his back -

is that true, or is that false? Show me now, please.

The answer is...that it is true.

As part of his kingly apparel,

Ramesses II did wear a bull's tail pinned to his back.

Quite right, too!

All great leaders should have something pinned to their back.

Oh, hang on...

Is there anything pinned to my...? Is there anything pinned to my back?

Is...? Come on, be honest. Is there anything pinched to my back? No?

-No, there isn't?

-No.

-There isn't!

Well, you missed a trick there, Rattus. Missed a trick!

There's a point a piece.

And at the end of that round, we can see that Ruhama,

you have won yourself another Year Sphere.

Go and pick it up.

TRIUMPHANT CHORAL MUSIC

OK, Ruhama, you're through to play the Egyptian game, but will

it be just you, or will the others get to play too?

Let's find out.

Yeah! It's an all-play game, so come on, all of you down the Time Sewer.

It stinks!

Poo-ee!

This next game consists of a pile of blocks that have to be

transformed into three spectacular pyramids.

It's a puzzle to make pyramids, so we've called it...

It's important to get everything in the right order,

otherwise your pyramid will be bang out of order. OK, let's do this.

In three, two, one...

HORN SOUNDS Go!

We've made a small but fiendish change to this game, Rattus.

Now the contestants' blocks are all piled up at the back.

They've got to find the correct pieces to build with,

and everyone is getting their bases in order.

But oh, my goodness, they've woken up some mummies,

and boy, do they look grumpy!

-Well, wouldn't you be if you were woken up during a nap?

-I would, yes.

Ruhama backing away there from that mummy, clinging to her piece.

Well, Charlotte's ploughing on regardless.

And it looks like the mummies are off to scare someone else.

Well, what an interesting interlude that was.

It's very close at the moment, isn't it?

Everyone on the second layer.

Pyramids, of course, the last resting place

for the great Egyptian Pharaohs.

Dave, a little fact - great rat kings are also buried in pyramids.

-Of poo?

-Of course.

-Nice. I thought they might be.

I really thought... Did you see that little dance from Ben there?

A little premature celebration, I thought.

Well, you know, who knows? He might actually win it, Rattus.

You never, never know, not with the giant pyramids.

It's a bit early at this stage of the game, Dave, to be honest.

I agree with you. Ruhama... Oh! Did you see her kick that off...?

-Give it a good kick!

-Just hoofed it one.

Just hoofed it one, and rightly so, in my opinion.

But look at that - you can see behind that Ben...

I mean, Charlotte's doing well, but Ben is high up here.

He is about to start his third layer.

Look at him, he's picking up two pieces at once.

I mean, we're going to consult with the rule book - is that cheating?

-PAGES RUSTLE

-It is perfectly legal, Dave.

It is legal - I've checked with the rule book. That's above board.

But look at them, they're neck and neck.

It's even-stevens, they're at loggerheads,

they're all on the same storey of the pyramid.

But no! Ben's just knocked half of his down,

and out of nowhere, look at Ruhama!

She's come from nowhere. There goes the top piece!

She is the best Egyptian. Let's hear what she thought.

I felt the pressure because Ben and Charlotte were catching up,

and I tried to run everywhere to get the pieces, and it was really hard.

How about those mummies, Ben?

They did actually put me off quite...a bit...

MUMMY GROANS

Oh, well done, everybody. Well done. Congratulations, Ruhama.

Help yourself to another Year Sphere.

TRIUMPHANT CHORAL MUSIC

Superb work. What's in there, we'll find out later.

-Hello, Rattus, what is this?

-Oh, it's for your headache, Dave.

I've been to a Roman pharmacy this time.

Just pop your hand in there.

It's not made from some other poor dead creature, is it?

Absolutely not.

HE YOWLS, ELECTRICITY BUZZES

Argh!

It's a live one. An electric eel - a Roman cure for headaches.

Ow!

OW!

Ow...

-Forgotten about the headache, though, haven't you?

-WHIMPERS: Ow...

Right, round three. Over to the Gory Grid to find out what's up next.

It's the Awesome USA.

So, four questions, as always,

and here are your four Awesome USA topics.

So, Charlotte, it's your turn to lead us off.

-Which of those would you like?

-Big Nose George, please.

Big Nose George. OK, then.

True or false - Wild West outlaw Big Nose George was arrested

and hanged in 1881, and afterwards, his skin was made into a saddle?

Is that true, or is that false? Show me now, please.

Let's find out if they're all right, or if they're all wrong.

It's...false.

Big Nose George's skin was turned into a pair of shoes.

The new Governor of Wyoming then wore

the shoes at a ball in his honour.

Whoa... Bad vibes, man.

No points there, I'm afraid, everybody.

Ruhama, it's your turn to pick.

Can I have Black Bart, please?

You certainly can.

True or false - the famous Wild West outlaw Black Bart would

leave behind poems after robbing stagecoaches?

Is that true, or is that false? Show me, please.

They all think it's true. Are they right this time?

It's...true.

Out of sight, man!

Imagine that, the polite Black Bart has taken your treasure,

No need to thank me, it was my pleasure.

Can't think of anything that rhymes with Bart. Hold on, I've got it!

HE BREAKS WIND

So sorry you had to hear that. That's a point in a piece, though,

a point a piece. Lovely stuff. And Ben, it's your turn to pick.

-I'd like to pick Lincoln, please.

-Now that is a prop question.

Prop question, prop question, prop question!

This is an Abraham Lincoln beard and hat, in that order.

And here is your question.

True or false - Abraham Lincoln grew his famous beard

because he was told to do so in a letter from an 88-year-old granny?

Is that true, or is that false? Let's have a look.

You know that beard suits you, Dave? Hides your face a bit.

Thanks for that.

And I can tell you, the answer is,

it's false.

Congratulations.

Lincoln was told to grow his beard

in a letter from an 11-year-old girl.

And I think if all presidents took the advice of an 11-year-old girl,

the world would be a safer place.

Congratulations, there's a point a piece there.

It's all to play for. Very exciting, one topic left.

It is a question from Rattus Rattus.

True or false? In 1607, the first settlers founded Jamestown,

but they had no reliable food supply and starvation soon set in.

By 1609, some settlers got so hungry, they ate human poo.

Is that true, or is that false? Show me now, please.

Rattus, what's the answer?

-It's true!

-Eurgh!

-What's the problem?

What do you mean, what's the problem?! Crikey. Eurgh!

Well, that's a point for Ben and a point for Charlotte.

And that means we are in a tie-breaker situation.

KLAXON

Beginning with the letter W, the home of the President

of the United States is called the WHAT House?

-Ben.

-The White House.

The White House is correct. Well done, Ben.

Help yourself to a Year Sphere.

TRIUMPHANT CHORAL MUSIC

OK, Ben, as the winner of the Awesome USA quiz,

you're through to play the Awesome USA game.

But will it be just you, or is everyone else coming along?

Let's find out.

Oh, it's a single-player game, so off you go down the Time Sewer.

Ooh, iffy!

It's America, 1899,

and you're robbing a train with the notorious Wild Bunch.

Yes, it's time to play...

Get the carriage door open to reveal three safes,

attach the right cable and blow them up

until you find the one with the cash.

Then grab 50,000 before the time runs out to get

yourself a Year Sphere.

Three, two, one...

TRAIN HORN

Ben steps off his imaginary horse and tries to get into the carriage.

Several bolts, of course, to get through,

but he's making short work of them, and he is in.

Straight to the barrel.

Now, he tosses rope after rope aside until he finds the one he likes.

Ooh, I like that one too! It's like a big long lovely tail.

Crikey, I'd hate to meet the rat that that tail belongs to.

Well, he's doing excellently here.

The rope's connected, he's heading back.

Here it comes, Rattus, already!

-Ka-boom!

-But there's nothing in there.

He's going to have to go again. He already has. Crikey!

He's wasting no time here. Second explosion coming.

Boom!

Empty again. I think Ben just likes blowing things up, Rattus.

-It's got to be in this one, hasn't it?

-Surely.

-It absolutely has to be.

-Here we go.

-Boom!

Well, I think Ben has used too much dynamite -

just like the real Wild Bunch.

I think you might be right, Rattus.

There is cash everywhere, but keep your eye on that cash-o-meter,

because he's got to get 50,000 into his over-the-shoulder bag

to win the Year Sphere.

Is he going to do this? He's still got 14 seconds. Keep your eyes left.

The cash is creeping up, it's filling up fast.

He's going to do it, I think, but it's going to be close. Yes!

Benny the Bandit has won himself a Year Sphere. Marvellous stuff.

Any plans for all that dosh, fella?

Now I've got all this money,

I'm probably going to spend it on a house,

maybe on some new furniture, but definitely a gold bar.

Gold bar - nice.

Congratulations, Ben. Superb work.

Help yourself to another Year Sphere.

Superb, superb, superb.

TRIUMPHANT CHORAL MUSIC

Oh, Rattus, what is that?!

Well, it's a mixture of wine and goat poo -

a Roman cure for broken ribs.

There is nothing wrong with my ribs.

No, but I think I've broken some of me own...

..laughing at you!

RATTUS LAUGHS

Oh, oh, oh, quick, Dave, rub on, rub on some of the goat poo, go on.

I'm not touching you with that.

I mean, it's bad enough touching you without that,

but I'm not touching you with that. All right, have we got that?

OK, it's the final round, so it's over to the Gory Grid

to find out what we've got.

It's the Terrible Tudors.

As ever, no quiz - just our big, all-play endgame.

So it's back down the Time Sewer with the lot of you, please.

-Bye.

-Thank you, Charlotte. Bye.

-Woo!

King Henry the Eighth? More like King Henry the ATE!

It's time to play...

His Royal Roundness certainly liked his grub,

so fling the pies into his gob.

Whoever gets the most pies into his kingly cakehole

within the time limit gets the Year Sphere.

In three, two, one...

KLAXON Feed the monster!

It's pies all round, as everybody lines up.

And they all miss.

-That's a disappointing start, wasn't it, Rattus?

-It is, I'm afraid, Dave.

Someone's got to score first. Who's it going to be?

It's Ben!

Ben gets us off the mark, thankfully.

That was looking like 0-0 for a while there.

But Ruhama's scored now. She's notched...

Just Charlotte, to see if she can catch up.

And right on cue, she most certainly does.

Well, superb stuff this, it's close at the top.

Charlotte forges into the lead.

They're throwing these like Frisbees, aren't they, Rattus?

They certainly are, Dave.

And a little tip here, viewers - unlike pies,

Frisbees are not good to eat. I've tried, they're way too plasticky.

Well, what passes for words of wisdom from Rattus there.

Ruhama scores again. Well...

Oh, and Charlotte replies instantly!

That is superb pie-ing.

BELL TOLLS

And there, the toll of the bell.

Charlotte makes it four, look! Wonderful stuff.

Did they really have inflatables back in Tudor times, Dave?

Yes - Henry's stomach!

RATTUS LAUGHS

Oh, I love it when you laugh at my jokes.

It makes me feel all warm inside.

And Ruhama gets a pie, and that's three.

Followed by Ben. Yes, nice.

That's Ben on two, but is it too little too late?

A last frantic effort from everyone. Feeding time is nearly over.

KLAXON

Oh, it's completely over, and Charlotte wins the Year Sphere.

Did that make you hungry, Charlotte?

I love pies.

I love apple pies, any type of pie.

-Not these kind of pies.

-Who would?

Tremendous work.

Congratulations, Charlotte, help yourself to the final Year Sphere.

TRIUMPHANT CHORAL MUSIC

So, it's time for us to count up those Year Spheres,

and remember, AD dates are added, and BC dates are subtracted.

OK, Ruhama, let's have a look at that first one of yours.

Oh! It's a BC. That could bring the others into the game.

But it's not a disaster. 287 BC - Archimedes was born that year.

Let's have a look at the second one.

That's a better one. 1452 AD -

Leonardo da Vinci was born that year.

And that third and final one.

Oh, it's another BC, but again, it's a small one.

27 BC this time.

Caesar Augustus became the first Roman emperor that year.

So you're in the positive,

but it does open the door for the other two.

Ben, let's have a look at your first sphere.

Ooh, again, it's small but it's positive.

79 AD - Mount Vesuvius erupted that year.

And your second one, please, Ben.

Now, that's solid.

1845 AD - the great potato famine

began in Ireland that year.

You're nicely in the positive, but you can be caught.

Now, Charlotte, I'm going to come and help you with yours.

Let's have a look at this.

I can hardly watch...

1859 AD. Excellent.

The pony express was invented in America that year.

By the thinnest of margins, it is Ben who is this week's winner,

with a total of 1,924 points.

So, congratulations, Ben.

Time for you to collect your "prize",

as selected by Rattus Rattus.

Please tell me this is not another one of your terrible cures, Rattus.

Well, Dave, it's the fat of a lion, a hippo, a crocodile,

a tom cat, snake and a Nubian ibex

mixed together to make an ancient Egyptian cure for baldness.

No, Rattus, no. I am not trying it.

-Careful!

-There you go, Ben.

Try not to get any of it on you. Yes, yes, good reaction.

-Oh...

-Careful, Dave, you've spilt a bit.

-What?!

Oh!

Argh! Ow!

I've done the other ankle. And now I've got another headache.

-Ooh, I know some good cures!

-No, Rat...! No!

It's time for our two runners-up to go home through the Time Sewer.

You're going to have to let yourselves out, I'm afraid,

I can't actually walk.

Bye-bye.

-Bye.

-Bye.

-Hope you don't get too messy.

I hope you're feeling guilty, Rattus.

Well, I don't know. What does feeling guilty feel like?

Oh, I guess you'll never know.

Eurgh...

-I've been Dave Lamb.

-I've been Dr Rattus Rattus.

-And you've been watching Gory Games!

-Goodbye!

# Games! #