Episode 7 HH: Gory Games


Episode 7

Quirky quizzes and gory games. Rattus pitches a disgusting new show idea to Dave, while Affan, John Oscar and Elisabeth compete to win Year Spheres.


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Transcript


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-Dave, do you know anyone who works in television?

-Well, me.

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No, I meant someone important. I've got a great idea for a TV show.

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Come on, then, let's hear it.

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Well, we take a celebrity, or someone like you,

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and we uncover their family history. Pretty original, hey?

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Sounds exactly like Who Do You Think You Are?.

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Well, yes, but you know we're going to give it

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some kind of Rattussy spin.

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HE LAUGHS It's never going to happen.

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# If mummies, rats and fleas Ain't your thing

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# And you don't like the sound Of an exploding king

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# If you're easily scared And don't laugh at poo

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# You'd better turn off This show ain't for you

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# Still watching? Then let's test your brains

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# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

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# Horrible Histories Gory...

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# ..Games! #

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-Hello and welcome to...

-Who Do You Think You Are?.

-No!

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-Yes, the show where you actually get to meet your ancestors.

-No, no, no!

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Shut it, Rattus! Shut it!

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It's not Who Do You Think You Are?, it's Gory Games,

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so welcome, everyone, to Gory Games.

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Let's meet today's Horrible Historians.

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Hi, I'm Affan and I'm from London.

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CHEERING

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Hi, I'm John Oscar and I'm from Falkirk.

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CHEERING

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Hi, I'm Elisabeth and I'm from North Yorkshire.

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CHEERING

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Welcome, everyone. Right, you lot are here to win Year Spheres.

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The person with the highest year score at the end of the show will

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win a prize pulled out of the Time Sewer by this vile vermin.

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-No need to thank me.

-No need indeed.

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Let's crack on with round one, shall we?

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And to find out what it's about, it's over to the Gory Grid.

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It's the Savage Stone Age.

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So, four questions on the Savage Stone Age coming up.

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The person who gets the most right, wins the first Year Sphere.

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You all know this! Your four Stone Age topics are...

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So, Affan, it's your turn to pick first in this opening round.

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-I would go for Fire, please.

-Fire.

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Which of those did Stone Age people living in Orkney Islands

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use as fuel for fire?

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A - human hair, B - animal poo, or C - horse guts.

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Show me now, please.

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OK, complete disagreement, they all think it's a different answer.

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What is the actual answer?

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Answer is B. We used animal poo

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as fuel for fires. Clever.

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-Stinky though.

-They burnt poo?!

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Yeah, yeah, absolutely true. Poo can burn.

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After I found a vindaloo in your bin, my bottom was on fire.

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-Thanks for sharing that, Rattus.

-No, no, thank you for sharing.

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Affan, you have taken the lead, well played.

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Plenty of time to catch up, of course. John Oscar, pick a topic.

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Can I have Chinchorro Tribe, please?

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Boldly picking the hardest one to pronounce.

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What did Stone Age Chinchorro tribe do with loved ones

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when they're dead?

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A - eat them, B - mummify them, or C - throw them off cliff.

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Show me those answers now, please. Total disagreement again.

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-What's the answer?

-Answer is...

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B. Chinchorro tribe

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mummify dead relatives and bring them out for special occasions.

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Spooky.

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Like there aren't already too many relatives

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around the table at Christmas.

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You're telling me. Last year, we had 30,000 round.

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That is a lot of crackers. Well done, Affan. Excellent work.

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Two-point lead. You can all still catch up. Elisabeth, have a pick.

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-Can I have Art, please?

-That sadly is a question from Rattus Rattus.

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-Yay!

-Oh, that's nice.

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Created more than 40,000 years ago,

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Europe's oldest piece of cave art is thought to be what?

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-Is it A - a brown bison...

-BELLOWING

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-..B - a red dot...

-SPLAT!

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..or C - a black circle?

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Show me those answers now, please.

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Total disagreement again! Are you ever going to agree on anything,

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I wonder? What's the answer, Rattus?

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The answer is...B.

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A red dot is Europe's

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oldest piece of cave art.

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Well, either that or Europe's oldest swatted bug.

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I suppose it could go either way. Elisabeth, well done.

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You're in the game. That's a point to you. Just one topic left.

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It is a question on Leather. Let's hear it.

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Stone Age people turn animal skin into leather by soaking it in what?

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A - animal brains, B - fox poo, or C - seal blubber.

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Show me now, please.

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John Oscar and Elisabeth have agreed.

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Well, that's the first time anyone has agreed during this entire show.

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What's the answer?

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Answer is A. Animal brains

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make animal skin so soft. Nice.

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I always knew we'd find a use for that brain of yours

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one day, Rattus.

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John Oscar, Elisabeth, well done. A point apiece there.

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And at the end of that round,

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we can see that Affan and Elisabeth are in a tie-breaker situation.

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John Oscar, just for now, you're history.

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Affan and Elisabeth, here is your tie-breaker question.

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Beginning with the letter A, what was the name of the missile

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invented by cavemen that was commonly used with a bow?

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Arrow.

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Arrow is correct. Well done, Affan. You have won the quiz.

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It's time for you to choose your Year Sphere,

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but that means it's also time for me to say...

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all hail the Potty Pyramid.

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Affan, help yourself.

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We'll find out what's inside at the end of the show.

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So, winning the Stone Age quiz means Affan is automatically

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through to play the Stone Age game,

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but will he be alone or will everyone get to play?

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Let's find out.

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Ooh, it's a single player game. So, Affan, off down that

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Time Sewer on your own, fella.

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Oh, it stinks!

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Yeah, it is pretty unpleasant in there.

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It's the Stone Age,

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when food could be absolutely anything from healthy vegetables

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right down to the contents of a dead mega bear's stomach.

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Yes, let's play...

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Simply have a rummage around the dead mega bear's stomach

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and fish out the half digested stuff that's in there

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and then, match the items to the cave painting before any live

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mega bears turn up and spoil the party.

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GROWLING

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So, Affan surveys the bear before diving in.

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He doesn't look like he wants to get his hands dirty here, Rattus,

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but I'm afraid that's what this game is all about.

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A quick glance at the clues there, smart move.

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-He's a smart lad and he's grabbed a fish.

-Oh, that looks tasty!

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Just like Granny's old recipe for fish basted in stomach acid.

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Urgh! That sounds unspeakable,

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but he's really getting into it now, is Affan.

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That's a rock but he's heading over to the table, he thinks it's a rat.

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Of all the cheek!

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Dave, do I look like a rock to you?

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-No, Rattus, you're far too smelly to be a rock.

-Oh.

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BELL DONGS

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Whoa! Now, that sound means he needs to get a move on.

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Affan's going for it here,

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but not quite quickly enough.

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It looks more like he's looking for money

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down the side of a settee,

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albeit the most disgusting settee in the world,

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filled with guts and smelly stuff.

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-You mean my settee?

-Exactly like your settee.

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Well, Affan has the leaf of a cabbage here.

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That's going to have to do,

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but he still needs two more items,

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he's only got eight seconds.

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He's staring down the barrel of defeat here.

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Time is ticking away.

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No, it's not going to happen, Rattus.

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GROWLING

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Nice try, Affan, but no Year Sphere this time.

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It was so, like, wet and disgusting.

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Well, it is Gory Games.

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Welcome back, Affan.

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STONE AGE MAN ROARS Stone Age man! Stone Age man!

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-That's not just any old Stone Ager, that's early Lamb.

-What?

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Who Do You Think You Are?, he's one of your first ancestors.

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Hey, he's just like you, Dave. Only more articulate.

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Look over there, sir!

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DAVE SCREAMS

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HE LAUGHS

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Oh, well, the show must go on. Affan, are you there?

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Ah, great!

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Sadly, no Year Sphere for you this time,

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but it's still all to play for.

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What's up next? Let's go over to the Gory Grid.

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It's the Vile Victorians. Good day.

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And your four Victorian topics are...

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Oh, looks like we've got another visitor. Who do you think it is?

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Lord David Montague De Feffle Lamb at your service.

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Wow! It's Dave's great-great-grandpa,

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Victorian Dave. Just like Dave, only more up-to-date.

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-Can you help me host the quiz, Lord Dave?

-I'd be honoured, rodent.

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-What do I do?

-Well, you just read the cards.

-Any fool could do that.

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Any fool does.

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You boy, John Oscar, only two names? You should have ten like me.

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Ridiculous amount of names. Choose a question, boy.

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-Could I have Prisons, please?

-Acceptable.

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Sadly, this appears to be a question from the rodent.

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Victorian prisons were

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so overcrowded that some convicts were held on prison ships

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floating on the River Thames, but what were the ships called?

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Was it...

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Let's see those answers, please.

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What's the answer, rodent?

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The answer is A, hulks.

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Nothing for the gentleman. One point for the young gentleman.

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One point for the young lady. Young lady, choose a category, please.

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-Can I have Cures, please?

-Yes, you can.

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Which of these was a Victorian cure for boils?

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A - rubbing the boil with snake skin, B - piercing the boil

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with a hedgehog spine, or C - placing porridge on the boil?

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Let's see those answers. What's the answer, please?

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The answer is C. The Victorian cure for a boil

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was to place porridge on it.

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I'm sorry to tell you that no-one scored any points there.

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Quite ridiculous and pathetic. Young man in green, choose a topic.

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Queen Victoria.

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Which of the following did Queen Victoria have as a pet?

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Let's see those answers, please.

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You've all gone for C.

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What's the answer, please?

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The answer is A. Queen Victoria

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had a pet rat. Good gracious!

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Well, let's hope it wasn't a talking rat, eh? A talking rat.

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You know what? I should sell you to a Victorian freak show.

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Oi, back off, Victorian Dave.

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I've got a full bladder

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-and I'm not afraid to use it.

-Good heavens.

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One more question in this round,

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no-one gets to choose and that's how it should be.

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In Victorian times, poor people, or riffraff as I call them,

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would scavenge through the filth at the side of the Thames

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looking for anything they could sell. Were they known as...

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Let's see those answers.

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And you've all gone for C - sewer rats.

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Good choice, but is it?

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The answer is B -

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mudlarks.

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Yes, that's right and let's not forget our Victorian

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sewers emptied straight into the Thames.

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Yes, it was the big splash at the end of the log flume.

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Well, at the end of that round,

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we see that two of you have the same score.

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Some sort of deadlock shatterer must be in order.

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You, er, you wouldn't happen to have a little card with some

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deadlock questions on, would you?

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For heavens' sake, I'm saving this show.

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Beginning with the letter A, Lewis Carroll wrote a famous

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children's book about a girl who...

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-Yes?

-Alice In Wonderland.

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Alice In Wonderland. Well, I'm going to give it to you.

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That full question - beginning with the letter A, Lewis Carroll

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wrote a famous children's book about a girl who

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fell down a rabbit hole, what was her name?

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Alice, I think you'd have got that, absolutely. Well done.

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You have won yourself a Time Orb.

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-Er, Year Sphere.

-You've won yourself a Year Sphere.

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You're very good at this. You should do it all the time.

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Thank you very much.

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So, Elisabeth, you are the winner of that round, congratulations.

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You shall be the one to play the Victorian game, but shall

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you play alone or will your little urchin friends here join you?

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Victorian Dave, you couldn't press the button, could you?

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-Yes, pressed it.

-No, no, the one on the desk.

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I'm pressing... On the desk? Ah, this chap.

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Elisabeth, only you shall play. Down the Time Sewer, please.

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-It stinks in here!

-I hope she's not blaming me for that.

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During the Industrial Revolution, small children were forced to

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work in dangerous factories, and quite right too.

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There was always a high risk of injury, that's just part of the job.

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It's time to play...

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Somewhere in this factory are four fingers.

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Well, there are a lot more than that, but the four

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we're interested in are scattered around.

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You have to navigate your way through the machinery

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and reunite the hand and all its digits.

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You've got to get it all done within the time limit

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to collect your Year Sphere.

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In three, in two, in one.

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HORN BELLOWS

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So the first obstacle appears to be a mangle.

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She's through there quickly enough.

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Takes me back to my childhood actually that, the mangle,

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watching the servants wring out the laundry.

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That was terrific fun for me, just standing there watching them,

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shouting at them.

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It was all good, clean fun.

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Victorian Dave, you really are a dreadful man.

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Thank you, I take that as a huge compliment.

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So, what's this guttersnipe up to now?

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Er, well, she seems to be fiddling with her finger,

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trying to get it out of those screws, and she's done it.

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Very good. Bravo, urchin.

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One finger collected, three more to be discovered.

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What's she doing now? Rummaging.

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Hmph. I can't say I approve of rummaging.

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-Well, she has to rummage to find the finger.

-So she does.

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And so she has. Two fingers found,

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this girl has some modicum of talent.

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Maybe I should offer her a position at one of my own factories.

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Were all Victorians this vile?

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Yes, across the board. Absolutely all of us were.

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Well, she's through the loom

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and now, she's manipulating

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a finger downwards using a chain pulley system.

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Hello, who's this chap?

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Oh, it's the factory owner!

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And he's almost as big a monster as you.

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Well, well, I think it's about time

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we had someone like this arrive.

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He's giving that child proper encouragement.

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Poking her with a rather sharp stick.

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This is what needs to happen here,

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and she will thank him for it.

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HE TUTS

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Well, he's gone now.

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And, almost certainly,

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she's not going to do it, as a result.

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Yes, two seconds left, it's all over.

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KLAXON WAILS

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Bad luck, you failed, time to go to the workhouse.

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The factory boss was putting me off,

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and he was very annoying, because he kept...

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-I heard that!

-Ah!

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Go away. Please go away.

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Well, jolly bad luck, Elisabeth.

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So near and yet so far.

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Right, well, I've got to go, tea with Queen Victoria at five.

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Pip pip, old bean.

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-Ta, Victorian Dave.

-Good day.

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Right, then. What's next on the old era agenda?

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It's the measly Middle Ages.

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Oh, it looks like we've got another of Dave's rellies.

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Don't tell me, you're Peasant Dave.

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No, I'm King Dave I in a stupid peasant disguise.

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-Really?

-No, I'm joking with you, I am Peasant Dave.

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You're much like Modern Dave, aren't you?

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Only you smell better.

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Mm. That's a bonus.

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So, four questions on the measly Middle Ages, coming up.

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So, Elisabeth, your turn to lead off. What's it to be?

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Can I have the Black Death, please?

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Why would you want the Black Death?

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Let's hear the question.

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True or false?

0:16:150:16:16

A Middle Ages cure for the plague was to fart in a jar...

0:16:160:16:18

FARTING

0:16:180:16:20

-..and then to smell it.

-SNIFFING

0:16:200:16:22

Let's see those answers, please.

0:16:220:16:24

Well, everybody's gone for false.

0:16:240:16:27

But what's the answer?

0:16:270:16:28

It's true!

0:16:280:16:29

Well, that's what I always do. And I never caught the Black Death.

0:16:290:16:32

HE COUGHS

0:16:320:16:34

Sorry.

0:16:340:16:35

-The...

-HE COUGHS

0:16:350:16:37

Black Death! He's got the Black Death!

0:16:370:16:40

Calm down, Peasant Dave.

0:16:400:16:42

-That's easy for you to say! You're just a carrier!

-That's true.

0:16:420:16:45

Oh, no, Black...

0:16:450:16:47

Calm down!

0:16:470:16:48

Affan, your question next.

0:16:480:16:50

-Weddings.

-Let's hear the question.

0:16:510:16:53

True or false?

0:16:530:16:55

At medieval weddings, the wedding cake was thrown at the bridegroom.

0:16:550:16:59

Oh, now, I know this. I know this.

0:16:590:17:01

True or false?

0:17:010:17:03

Oh, so, what's the answer?

0:17:050:17:07

It's false.

0:17:070:17:09

You threw the wedding cake at the bride!

0:17:090:17:11

SPLAT WOMAN SHRIEKS

0:17:110:17:12

Eyeball to the green fella, skull to the yellow lady.

0:17:120:17:15

Skull!

0:17:150:17:17

OK, John Oscar, it's your choice.

0:17:170:17:20

Could I have coin stampers, please?

0:17:200:17:22

True or false?

0:17:230:17:25

In the early Middle Ages, if you worked as a coin stamper

0:17:250:17:27

and stole one of the coins,

0:17:270:17:30

then your hand was cut off and nailed to the workshop door!

0:17:300:17:33

HAMMER BANGS

0:17:330:17:34

Is that true or false?

0:17:340:17:36

What's the answer, please?

0:17:380:17:39

It's true.

0:17:390:17:40

Just checking.

0:17:430:17:44

Right. And them coin stampers weren't even paid.

0:17:460:17:49

They just got bed and board.

0:17:490:17:51

So they were making money,

0:17:510:17:52

but they weren't making any money.

0:17:520:17:55

That's harsh.

0:17:550:17:56

So, that's one for Affan and one for John Oscar.

0:17:560:18:00

It's the final question, and it's on castles.

0:18:000:18:02

So, true or false?

0:18:020:18:04

When a rival came to kill 11th century aristocrat Gerald of Wales,

0:18:040:18:08

he was forced to flee to safety from Cilgerran Castle

0:18:080:18:12

by sliding down the toilet chute

0:18:120:18:14

and crawling out through the cesspit.

0:18:140:18:16

Is that true or false?

0:18:160:18:19

Let me see your answers, please.

0:18:190:18:20

And you've all gone for false.

0:18:200:18:24

And the answer is...

0:18:240:18:25

..true!

0:18:250:18:27

Oh, I love crawling through cesspits!

0:18:270:18:30

Oh, me too, Peasant Dave.

0:18:300:18:32

We've got a lot in common, really.

0:18:320:18:34

So, Affan, at the end of that round,

0:18:360:18:38

you've won yourself a Year Sphere.

0:18:380:18:40

Come and collect it.

0:18:400:18:41

MARTIAL MUSIC PLAYS

0:18:410:18:44

OK, Affan, as the winner of the Middle Ages quiz,

0:18:440:18:47

you're through to play the Middle Ages game.

0:18:470:18:49

But will it be just you, or is everyone going along?

0:18:490:18:53

Let's find out!

0:18:530:18:54

Could you push the button, please, Peasant Dave?

0:18:540:18:56

-What button?

-The thingummiejigger.

0:18:560:18:58

Oh, the thingummiejigger! Why didn't you say?

0:18:580:19:01

It's an all-player game!

0:19:030:19:05

-So, are you ready, the lot of you?

-Yeah!

0:19:050:19:08

Then down the Time Sewer with you!

0:19:080:19:09

It's the Middle Ages, and you want to get into a castle, really badly.

0:19:110:19:17

Who knows why? Maybe it's got a really nice gift shop.

0:19:170:19:20

Anyway, it's time to play...

0:19:200:19:22

Get the castle defences to give up by splatting them with

0:19:240:19:27

rocks, rotten meat and horse heads.

0:19:270:19:29

HORSE NEIGHS

0:19:290:19:30

Get the most missiles into your fortress target

0:19:300:19:32

within the time limit to win the Year Sphere.

0:19:320:19:35

Siege the moment!

0:19:350:19:36

Fire!

0:19:400:19:42

Well, they're all running around, they've got a stone each.

0:19:420:19:46

And fire!

0:19:460:19:47

There goes the thing, flying through the air, missing the thing.

0:19:470:19:50

Elisabeth shoots. And scores!

0:19:530:19:55

I once hit my head on a stone.

0:19:550:19:57

-Why doesn't that surprise me?

-What?

0:19:570:20:00

And John Oscar scores!

0:20:000:20:01

Ha-ha, the thing went in the thing!

0:20:010:20:04

Really starting to miss Modern Dave.

0:20:040:20:06

-Oh, John Oscar makes it two points!

-Yes!

0:20:060:20:09

Affan is still trying to find his range. Oh, he's hit the camera!

0:20:090:20:12

What on earth is a camera?

0:20:120:20:14

Well, that's going to come out of his pocket money.

0:20:140:20:16

Make that three for John Oscar!

0:20:160:20:18

Did I tell you I once hit my head on a stone?

0:20:180:20:21

And Elisabeth scores!

0:20:210:20:22

This is going to be a close one.

0:20:220:20:25

Oh, and John Oscar's got one in Elisabeth's basket,

0:20:250:20:27

so that's not going to count.

0:20:270:20:29

So, like, if one of them gets a thing into someone else's thing,

0:20:290:20:32

-that doesn't count as a thing?

-That's exactly it.

0:20:320:20:34

Well, that's a funny thing, isn't it?

0:20:340:20:36

And it's landed in someone else's thing, so it doesn't count.

0:20:360:20:39

He's got a funny thing,

0:20:390:20:40

he fires it, it landed in someone else's thing,

0:20:400:20:42

so it doesn't count.

0:20:420:20:44

-I'm not sure you're helping.

-I've got the hang of this!

0:20:440:20:47

And now it's finished.

0:20:470:20:49

I wonder who's won?

0:20:490:20:50

Probably that bloke there, dancing around with a horse's head.

0:20:500:20:53

John Oscar wins! How does it feel?

0:20:530:20:55

It feels great! I didn't think I was getting a Year Sphere at all.

0:20:550:20:58

Could you open the door, please, Peasant Dave?

0:21:000:21:02

Righty oh. Come on in, you lot.

0:21:020:21:04

And jump back down it, because you were utterly useless.

0:21:060:21:10

I never thought I'd say this, but I want Modern Dave back.

0:21:100:21:13

See you later, then.

0:21:130:21:15

Cheerio, you lot.

0:21:150:21:17

John Oscar, well done. Collect your Year Sphere.

0:21:170:21:20

MARTIAL MUSIC PLAYS

0:21:200:21:22

I got a Year Sphere!

0:21:220:21:24

Will it be an AD date or a BC date?

0:21:240:21:27

We'll have to wait till the end of the show to find out.

0:21:270:21:30

AMERICAN ACCENT: Hi!

0:21:300:21:31

I'm Dave Lamb from the future.

0:21:310:21:33

Dave Lamb's great-great-grandson.

0:21:330:21:37

Oh, they've invented a cure for baldness, then?

0:21:370:21:40

NORMAL ACCENT: No, I'm only kidding with you, it's me!

0:21:400:21:43

I've come via the 1960s

0:21:430:21:45

and nicked all this clobber from the Doctor Who set.

0:21:450:21:47

It's the final round, so it's over to the Gory Grid

0:21:470:21:49

to find out what we've got.

0:21:490:21:51

It's the awesome USA!

0:21:530:21:55

Are you ready to venture into the unknown?

0:21:550:21:59

Well, let's get down there, then.

0:21:590:22:00

Absolutely stinks in here!

0:22:030:22:04

It will do.

0:22:040:22:06

You didn't mention it smelled!

0:22:060:22:07

This is a tribute to those brave astronauts

0:22:090:22:12

who travelled all the way to the moon,

0:22:120:22:14

and left bags of poo behind.

0:22:140:22:16

No, they really did, to make their spacecraft lighter.

0:22:160:22:20

Yup. It's time to play...

0:22:200:22:22

You are an Apollo 15 astronaut and have to dump your...

0:22:240:22:27

..well, dumps, wee and vomit into the handy moon craters

0:22:270:22:32

whilst grabbing yourself some moon rocks.

0:22:320:22:34

The first person to make it back to base with three rocks

0:22:340:22:37

and raise their flag will be the proud owner of a Year Sphere.

0:22:370:22:40

It's time for lift-off, in...

0:22:400:22:42

Well, this is a lovely, futuristic game to end on.

0:22:460:22:49

You said you're not from the future.

0:22:490:22:51

Well, you'll never know!

0:22:510:22:53

Everyone needs to find their coloured crater

0:22:530:22:55

to drop off their first bag of poo.

0:22:550:22:57

Affan's having a little difficulty, there.

0:22:570:22:59

John Oscar tosses his first poo, it's a miss.

0:22:590:23:02

He'll have to get that back from the astronaut later on.

0:23:020:23:04

Elisabeth drops off her plops,

0:23:040:23:06

and John Oscar's buggy bumps into her.

0:23:060:23:08

Well, that wasn't very gallant.

0:23:080:23:10

Affan very carefully tosses his first number two,

0:23:100:23:13

but something is wrong here.

0:23:130:23:15

That is the wrong crater!

0:23:150:23:16

He'll have to wait for some help retrieving that.

0:23:160:23:19

Oh, I've been there, Affan.

0:23:190:23:20

I'm always leaving poo where it isn't wanted.

0:23:200:23:23

Truer words were never spoken.

0:23:230:23:25

The astronaut's busy retrieving John Oscar's poo,

0:23:250:23:28

so Affan has to wait here. This is going to cost him.

0:23:280:23:31

Heavy traffic behind Affan, now.

0:23:310:23:33

And finally, he's away.

0:23:330:23:36

So, the astronauts who went to the moon,

0:23:360:23:38

they left a load of rubbish and urine and poo on the surface?

0:23:380:23:42

Yeah, you'd have felt right at home, there.

0:23:420:23:45

Now, Elisabeth gets her third poo,

0:23:450:23:47

and that means she is now after moon rocks.

0:23:470:23:50

John Oscar deposits number two number two,

0:23:500:23:54

and Affan gets his first poo away.

0:23:540:23:57

There's Elisabeth, trying to grab that rock, she's missed it.

0:23:570:24:00

Well, that could be crucial, couldn't it?

0:24:000:24:02

She can't really go into reverse.

0:24:020:24:04

John Oscar is now on his rocks.

0:24:040:24:07

And Elisabeth claims her first.

0:24:070:24:09

So, at the moment, it's between John Oscar

0:24:090:24:11

and Elisabeth, with Affan slightly behind.

0:24:110:24:14

But they're neck and neck, look at this!

0:24:140:24:16

It's really rally driving, this, in many ways.

0:24:160:24:19

That's the first rock for John Oscar,

0:24:190:24:21

Affan deposits number two number two.

0:24:210:24:24

Oh, agonisingly close, but that rock has gone awry!

0:24:240:24:29

And is there a chance for Affan, here?

0:24:290:24:31

He's creeping back.

0:24:310:24:33

He's creeping back, and John Oscar's taken the lead.

0:24:330:24:36

He's got two rocks.

0:24:360:24:38

Well, Elisabeth seems to have thrown this away, slightly.

0:24:380:24:41

John Oscar's now got his third rock, he's come from nowhere!

0:24:410:24:44

He's now got to get back and plant that flag,

0:24:440:24:47

as Elisabeth finally secures rock number two.

0:24:470:24:50

That took her a while, it has to be said.

0:24:500:24:53

John Oscar needs to get back and plant his flag.

0:24:530:24:56

He's getting out of the moon buggy now.

0:24:560:24:58

This is going to be it!

0:24:580:25:00

John Oscar wins the space race!

0:25:000:25:01

It was hard at first, but then I found it easier.

0:25:030:25:06

I missed my first two bags of poo,

0:25:060:25:08

but then the astronaut got it for me, and I got the two in.

0:25:080:25:10

I was really happy that I won. I had no idea I was actually going to win!

0:25:100:25:13

Well, you did.

0:25:130:25:14

Oh, terrific work, everybody! Terrific work.

0:25:140:25:17

Help yourself, John Oscar. Well played.

0:25:170:25:21

That was the final Year Sphere.

0:25:220:25:24

It has been won.

0:25:240:25:26

And now, it's time to count them up.

0:25:260:25:28

Remember, AD dates are added to your total,

0:25:280:25:30

and BC dates are subtracted from it.

0:25:300:25:33

Here we go, then.

0:25:330:25:35

Affan, open up that first Year Sphere, please.

0:25:350:25:37

Oh, it's an AD date, but it's a very small one.

0:25:370:25:40

60 AD. Boudicca rebelled against the Romans that year.

0:25:400:25:43

Let's have a look at the second one.

0:25:430:25:46

Oh!

0:25:470:25:48

It's a big BC,

0:25:480:25:50

it's 4000 BC.

0:25:500:25:52

The domestication of the horse happened round about then.

0:25:520:25:55

So you have a large BC total, there, 3,940.

0:25:550:25:58

Who knows? it may be enough.

0:25:580:26:00

John Oscar, let's have a look at that first one.

0:26:000:26:03

1170 AD!

0:26:030:26:05

Thomas Becket was murdered in Canterbury Cathedral that year.

0:26:050:26:08

Let's have a look at that second one.

0:26:080:26:10

Oh, it's another AD,

0:26:100:26:11

you'll be delighted to hear!

0:26:110:26:13

1887 AD, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

0:26:130:26:16

published his first Sherlock Holmes story that year.

0:26:160:26:18

You've got an excellent total, John Oscar.

0:26:180:26:21

I don't think it can be beaten. Elisabeth,

0:26:210:26:23

let's see what you've got, anyway.

0:26:230:26:24

1533, it's a decent score.

0:26:260:26:27

Henry VIII married Anne Boleyn that year.

0:26:270:26:30

But it's congratulations to John Oscar, because he has amassed

0:26:300:26:34

a whopping 3,057 points,

0:26:340:26:36

which means that he is today's winner.

0:26:360:26:39

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:26:390:26:40

And John Oscar, I'm afraid that's where the good news ends.

0:26:400:26:43

Because sadly, your prize is going to be

0:26:430:26:45

something disgusting that's been scooped out of the murky waters

0:26:450:26:49

of the Time Sewer by Rattus, here.

0:26:490:26:51

No, I tell you, Dave, this one's a cracker.

0:26:510:26:53

I'd give my right arm to get this!

0:26:530:26:56

Because it is, in fact, a right arm!

0:26:560:26:59

SHRIEK

0:26:590:27:00

Whose arm?

0:27:000:27:02

St Oswald's!

0:27:020:27:03

It was a sacred relic that was famously stolen

0:27:030:27:06

in the Middle Ages by a bunch of monks from Peterborough Abbey.

0:27:060:27:10

Cheeky monkeys!

0:27:100:27:12

Who would want a right arm? What do they use it for?

0:27:120:27:15

Scratching your back? Getting biscuits off the top shelf?

0:27:150:27:18

Shaking hands with politicians?

0:27:180:27:20

I mean, the list of uses is endless.

0:27:200:27:23

There you go, John Oscar.

0:27:230:27:25

Try not to high-five it.

0:27:250:27:27

Oh, you have high-fived it.

0:27:270:27:29

A mistake, in my opinion.

0:27:290:27:30

Well, I hope you enjoy it.

0:27:310:27:33

At least you don't have to face the perils of the Time Sewer,

0:27:330:27:35

which is, I'm afraid, what's going to happen to you two runners-up.

0:27:350:27:38

Go on, then, off you go.

0:27:380:27:39

-Bye, Elisabeth.

-Adios.

-Adios.

0:27:390:27:42

-Bye, Affan.

-See you later!

0:27:420:27:44

-Adios.

-Adios.

0:27:440:27:46

Eww!

0:27:470:27:48

Oh, it's so horrible!

0:27:480:27:50

Oh...

0:27:530:27:55

I've been Dave Lamb.

0:27:550:27:57

And I've been Rattus Rattus.

0:27:570:27:58

And you've been watching...

0:27:580:28:00

Poo Do You Think You Are?

0:28:000:28:01

-..Gory Games!

-Poo!

0:28:010:28:03

-Goodbye!

-Goodbye!

0:28:030:28:05

# Games! #

0:28:050:28:06

Rattus pitches a disgusting new show idea to Dave, while Affan, John Oscar and Elisabeth compete to win Year Spheres in gruesome games, including Factory Fingers and Mega Bear Picnic. Warning: this show contains gore, guts and gags.


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