Episode 7 HH: Gory Games

-Dave, do you know anyone who works in television?

-Well, me.

No, I meant someone important. I've got a great idea for a TV show.

Come on, then, let's hear it.

Well, we take a celebrity, or someone like you,

and we uncover their family history. Pretty original, hey?

Sounds exactly like Who Do You Think You Are?.

Well, yes, but you know we're going to give it

some kind of Rattussy spin.

HE LAUGHS It's never going to happen.

# If mummies, rats and fleas Ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound Of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared And don't laugh at poo

# You'd better turn off This show ain't for you

# Still watching? Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

# Horrible Histories Gory...

# ..Games! #

-Hello and welcome to...

-Who Do You Think You Are?.

-No!

-Yes, the show where you actually get to meet your ancestors.

-No, no, no!

Shut it, Rattus! Shut it!

It's not Who Do You Think You Are?, it's Gory Games,

so welcome, everyone, to Gory Games.

Let's meet today's Horrible Historians.

Hi, I'm Affan and I'm from London.

CHEERING

Hi, I'm John Oscar and I'm from Falkirk.

CHEERING

Hi, I'm Elisabeth and I'm from North Yorkshire.

CHEERING

Welcome, everyone. Right, you lot are here to win Year Spheres.

The person with the highest year score at the end of the show will

win a prize pulled out of the Time Sewer by this vile vermin.

-No need to thank me.

-No need indeed.

Let's crack on with round one, shall we?

And to find out what it's about, it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Savage Stone Age.

So, four questions on the Savage Stone Age coming up.

The person who gets the most right, wins the first Year Sphere.

You all know this! Your four Stone Age topics are...

So, Affan, it's your turn to pick first in this opening round.

-I would go for Fire, please.

-Fire.

Which of those did Stone Age people living in Orkney Islands

use as fuel for fire?

A - human hair, B - animal poo, or C - horse guts.

Show me now, please.

OK, complete disagreement, they all think it's a different answer.

What is the actual answer?

Answer is B. We used animal poo

as fuel for fires. Clever.

-Stinky though.

-They burnt poo?!

Yeah, yeah, absolutely true. Poo can burn.

After I found a vindaloo in your bin, my bottom was on fire.

-Thanks for sharing that, Rattus.

-No, no, thank you for sharing.

Affan, you have taken the lead, well played.

Plenty of time to catch up, of course. John Oscar, pick a topic.

Can I have Chinchorro Tribe, please?

Boldly picking the hardest one to pronounce.

What did Stone Age Chinchorro tribe do with loved ones

when they're dead?

A - eat them, B - mummify them, or C - throw them off cliff.

Show me those answers now, please. Total disagreement again.

-What's the answer?

-Answer is...

B. Chinchorro tribe

mummify dead relatives and bring them out for special occasions.

Spooky.

Like there aren't already too many relatives

around the table at Christmas.

You're telling me. Last year, we had 30,000 round.

That is a lot of crackers. Well done, Affan. Excellent work.

Two-point lead. You can all still catch up. Elisabeth, have a pick.

-Can I have Art, please?

-That sadly is a question from Rattus Rattus.

-Yay!

-Oh, that's nice.

Created more than 40,000 years ago,

Europe's oldest piece of cave art is thought to be what?

-Is it A - a brown bison...

-BELLOWING

-..B - a red dot...

-SPLAT!

..or C - a black circle?

Show me those answers now, please.

Total disagreement again! Are you ever going to agree on anything,

I wonder? What's the answer, Rattus?

The answer is...B.

A red dot is Europe's

oldest piece of cave art.

Well, either that or Europe's oldest swatted bug.

I suppose it could go either way. Elisabeth, well done.

You're in the game. That's a point to you. Just one topic left.

It is a question on Leather. Let's hear it.

Stone Age people turn animal skin into leather by soaking it in what?

A - animal brains, B - fox poo, or C - seal blubber.

Show me now, please.

John Oscar and Elisabeth have agreed.

Well, that's the first time anyone has agreed during this entire show.

What's the answer?

Answer is A. Animal brains

make animal skin so soft. Nice.

I always knew we'd find a use for that brain of yours

one day, Rattus.

John Oscar, Elisabeth, well done. A point apiece there.

And at the end of that round,

we can see that Affan and Elisabeth are in a tie-breaker situation.

John Oscar, just for now, you're history.

Affan and Elisabeth, here is your tie-breaker question.

Beginning with the letter A, what was the name of the missile

invented by cavemen that was commonly used with a bow?

Arrow.

Arrow is correct. Well done, Affan. You have won the quiz.

It's time for you to choose your Year Sphere,

but that means it's also time for me to say...

all hail the Potty Pyramid.

Affan, help yourself.

We'll find out what's inside at the end of the show.

So, winning the Stone Age quiz means Affan is automatically

through to play the Stone Age game,

but will he be alone or will everyone get to play?

Let's find out.

Ooh, it's a single player game. So, Affan, off down that

Time Sewer on your own, fella.

Oh, it stinks!

Yeah, it is pretty unpleasant in there.

It's the Stone Age,

when food could be absolutely anything from healthy vegetables

right down to the contents of a dead mega bear's stomach.

Yes, let's play...

Simply have a rummage around the dead mega bear's stomach

and fish out the half digested stuff that's in there

and then, match the items to the cave painting before any live

mega bears turn up and spoil the party.

GROWLING

So, Affan surveys the bear before diving in.

He doesn't look like he wants to get his hands dirty here, Rattus,

but I'm afraid that's what this game is all about.

A quick glance at the clues there, smart move.

-He's a smart lad and he's grabbed a fish.

-Oh, that looks tasty!

Just like Granny's old recipe for fish basted in stomach acid.

Urgh! That sounds unspeakable,

but he's really getting into it now, is Affan.

That's a rock but he's heading over to the table, he thinks it's a rat.

Of all the cheek!

Dave, do I look like a rock to you?

-No, Rattus, you're far too smelly to be a rock.

-Oh.

BELL DONGS

Whoa! Now, that sound means he needs to get a move on.

Affan's going for it here,

but not quite quickly enough.

It looks more like he's looking for money

down the side of a settee,

albeit the most disgusting settee in the world,

filled with guts and smelly stuff.

-You mean my settee?

-Exactly like your settee.

Well, Affan has the leaf of a cabbage here.

That's going to have to do,

but he still needs two more items,

he's only got eight seconds.

He's staring down the barrel of defeat here.

Time is ticking away.

No, it's not going to happen, Rattus.

GROWLING

Nice try, Affan, but no Year Sphere this time.

It was so, like, wet and disgusting.

Well, it is Gory Games.

Welcome back, Affan.

STONE AGE MAN ROARS Stone Age man! Stone Age man!

-That's not just any old Stone Ager, that's early Lamb.

-What?

Who Do You Think You Are?, he's one of your first ancestors.

Hey, he's just like you, Dave. Only more articulate.

Look over there, sir!

DAVE SCREAMS

HE LAUGHS

Oh, well, the show must go on. Affan, are you there?

Ah, great!

Sadly, no Year Sphere for you this time,

but it's still all to play for.

What's up next? Let's go over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Vile Victorians. Good day.

And your four Victorian topics are...

Oh, looks like we've got another visitor. Who do you think it is?

Lord David Montague De Feffle Lamb at your service.

Wow! It's Dave's great-great-grandpa,

Victorian Dave. Just like Dave, only more up-to-date.

-Can you help me host the quiz, Lord Dave?

-I'd be honoured, rodent.

-What do I do?

-Well, you just read the cards.

-Any fool could do that.

Any fool does.

You boy, John Oscar, only two names? You should have ten like me.

Ridiculous amount of names. Choose a question, boy.

-Could I have Prisons, please?

-Acceptable.

Sadly, this appears to be a question from the rodent.

Victorian prisons were

so overcrowded that some convicts were held on prison ships

floating on the River Thames, but what were the ships called?

Was it...

Let's see those answers, please.

What's the answer, rodent?

The answer is A, hulks.

Nothing for the gentleman. One point for the young gentleman.

One point for the young lady. Young lady, choose a category, please.

-Can I have Cures, please?

-Yes, you can.

Which of these was a Victorian cure for boils?

A - rubbing the boil with snake skin, B - piercing the boil

with a hedgehog spine, or C - placing porridge on the boil?

Let's see those answers. What's the answer, please?

The answer is C. The Victorian cure for a boil

was to place porridge on it.

I'm sorry to tell you that no-one scored any points there.

Quite ridiculous and pathetic. Young man in green, choose a topic.

Queen Victoria.

Which of the following did Queen Victoria have as a pet?

Let's see those answers, please.

You've all gone for C.

What's the answer, please?

The answer is A. Queen Victoria

had a pet rat. Good gracious!

Well, let's hope it wasn't a talking rat, eh? A talking rat.

You know what? I should sell you to a Victorian freak show.

Oi, back off, Victorian Dave.

I've got a full bladder

-and I'm not afraid to use it.

-Good heavens.

One more question in this round,

no-one gets to choose and that's how it should be.

In Victorian times, poor people, or riffraff as I call them,

would scavenge through the filth at the side of the Thames

looking for anything they could sell. Were they known as...

Let's see those answers.

And you've all gone for C - sewer rats.

Good choice, but is it?

The answer is B -

mudlarks.

Yes, that's right and let's not forget our Victorian

sewers emptied straight into the Thames.

Yes, it was the big splash at the end of the log flume.

Well, at the end of that round,

we see that two of you have the same score.

Some sort of deadlock shatterer must be in order.

You, er, you wouldn't happen to have a little card with some

deadlock questions on, would you?

For heavens' sake, I'm saving this show.

Beginning with the letter A, Lewis Carroll wrote a famous

children's book about a girl who...

-Yes?

-Alice In Wonderland.

Alice In Wonderland. Well, I'm going to give it to you.

That full question - beginning with the letter A, Lewis Carroll

wrote a famous children's book about a girl who

fell down a rabbit hole, what was her name?

Alice, I think you'd have got that, absolutely. Well done.

You have won yourself a Time Orb.

-Er, Year Sphere.

-You've won yourself a Year Sphere.

You're very good at this. You should do it all the time.

Thank you very much.

So, Elisabeth, you are the winner of that round, congratulations.

You shall be the one to play the Victorian game, but shall

you play alone or will your little urchin friends here join you?

Victorian Dave, you couldn't press the button, could you?

-Yes, pressed it.

-No, no, the one on the desk.

I'm pressing... On the desk? Ah, this chap.

Elisabeth, only you shall play. Down the Time Sewer, please.

-It stinks in here!

-I hope she's not blaming me for that.

During the Industrial Revolution, small children were forced to

work in dangerous factories, and quite right too.

There was always a high risk of injury, that's just part of the job.

It's time to play...

Somewhere in this factory are four fingers.

Well, there are a lot more than that, but the four

we're interested in are scattered around.

You have to navigate your way through the machinery

and reunite the hand and all its digits.

You've got to get it all done within the time limit

to collect your Year Sphere.

In three, in two, in one.

HORN BELLOWS

So the first obstacle appears to be a mangle.

She's through there quickly enough.

Takes me back to my childhood actually that, the mangle,

watching the servants wring out the laundry.

That was terrific fun for me, just standing there watching them,

shouting at them.

It was all good, clean fun.

Victorian Dave, you really are a dreadful man.

Thank you, I take that as a huge compliment.

So, what's this guttersnipe up to now?

Er, well, she seems to be fiddling with her finger,

trying to get it out of those screws, and she's done it.

Very good. Bravo, urchin.

One finger collected, three more to be discovered.

What's she doing now? Rummaging.

Hmph. I can't say I approve of rummaging.

-Well, she has to rummage to find the finger.

-So she does.

And so she has. Two fingers found,

this girl has some modicum of talent.

Maybe I should offer her a position at one of my own factories.

Were all Victorians this vile?

Yes, across the board. Absolutely all of us were.

Well, she's through the loom

and now, she's manipulating

a finger downwards using a chain pulley system.

Hello, who's this chap?

Oh, it's the factory owner!

And he's almost as big a monster as you.

Well, well, I think it's about time

we had someone like this arrive.

He's giving that child proper encouragement.

Poking her with a rather sharp stick.

This is what needs to happen here,

and she will thank him for it.

HE TUTS

Well, he's gone now.

And, almost certainly,

she's not going to do it, as a result.

Yes, two seconds left, it's all over.

KLAXON WAILS

Bad luck, you failed, time to go to the workhouse.

The factory boss was putting me off,

and he was very annoying, because he kept...

-I heard that!

-Ah!

Go away. Please go away.

Well, jolly bad luck, Elisabeth.

So near and yet so far.

Right, well, I've got to go, tea with Queen Victoria at five.

Pip pip, old bean.

-Ta, Victorian Dave.

-Good day.

Right, then. What's next on the old era agenda?

It's the measly Middle Ages.

Oh, it looks like we've got another of Dave's rellies.

Don't tell me, you're Peasant Dave.

No, I'm King Dave I in a stupid peasant disguise.

-Really?

-No, I'm joking with you, I am Peasant Dave.

You're much like Modern Dave, aren't you?

Only you smell better.

Mm. That's a bonus.

So, four questions on the measly Middle Ages, coming up.

So, Elisabeth, your turn to lead off. What's it to be?

Can I have the Black Death, please?

Why would you want the Black Death?

Let's hear the question.

True or false?

A Middle Ages cure for the plague was to fart in a jar...

FARTING

-..and then to smell it.

-SNIFFING

Let's see those answers, please.

Well, everybody's gone for false.

But what's the answer?

It's true!

Well, that's what I always do. And I never caught the Black Death.

HE COUGHS

Sorry.

-The...

-HE COUGHS

Black Death! He's got the Black Death!

Calm down, Peasant Dave.

-That's easy for you to say! You're just a carrier!

-That's true.

Oh, no, Black...

Calm down!

Affan, your question next.

-Weddings.

-Let's hear the question.

True or false?

At medieval weddings, the wedding cake was thrown at the bridegroom.

Oh, now, I know this. I know this.

True or false?

Oh, so, what's the answer?

It's false.

You threw the wedding cake at the bride!

SPLAT WOMAN SHRIEKS

Eyeball to the green fella, skull to the yellow lady.

Skull!

OK, John Oscar, it's your choice.

Could I have coin stampers, please?

True or false?

In the early Middle Ages, if you worked as a coin stamper

and stole one of the coins,

then your hand was cut off and nailed to the workshop door!

HAMMER BANGS

Is that true or false?

What's the answer, please?

It's true.

Just checking.

Right. And them coin stampers weren't even paid.

They just got bed and board.

So they were making money,

but they weren't making any money.

That's harsh.

So, that's one for Affan and one for John Oscar.

It's the final question, and it's on castles.

So, true or false?

When a rival came to kill 11th century aristocrat Gerald of Wales,

he was forced to flee to safety from Cilgerran Castle

by sliding down the toilet chute

and crawling out through the cesspit.

Is that true or false?

Let me see your answers, please.

And you've all gone for false.

And the answer is...

..true!

Oh, I love crawling through cesspits!

Oh, me too, Peasant Dave.

We've got a lot in common, really.

So, Affan, at the end of that round,

you've won yourself a Year Sphere.

Come and collect it.

MARTIAL MUSIC PLAYS

OK, Affan, as the winner of the Middle Ages quiz,

you're through to play the Middle Ages game.

But will it be just you, or is everyone going along?

Let's find out!

Could you push the button, please, Peasant Dave?

-What button?

-The thingummiejigger.

Oh, the thingummiejigger! Why didn't you say?

It's an all-player game!

-So, are you ready, the lot of you?

-Yeah!

Then down the Time Sewer with you!

It's the Middle Ages, and you want to get into a castle, really badly.

Who knows why? Maybe it's got a really nice gift shop.

Anyway, it's time to play...

Get the castle defences to give up by splatting them with

rocks, rotten meat and horse heads.

HORSE NEIGHS

Get the most missiles into your fortress target

within the time limit to win the Year Sphere.

Siege the moment!

Fire!

Well, they're all running around, they've got a stone each.

And fire!

There goes the thing, flying through the air, missing the thing.

Elisabeth shoots. And scores!

I once hit my head on a stone.

-Why doesn't that surprise me?

-What?

And John Oscar scores!

Ha-ha, the thing went in the thing!

Really starting to miss Modern Dave.

-Oh, John Oscar makes it two points!

-Yes!

Affan is still trying to find his range. Oh, he's hit the camera!

What on earth is a camera?

Well, that's going to come out of his pocket money.

Make that three for John Oscar!

Did I tell you I once hit my head on a stone?

And Elisabeth scores!

This is going to be a close one.

Oh, and John Oscar's got one in Elisabeth's basket,

so that's not going to count.

So, like, if one of them gets a thing into someone else's thing,

-that doesn't count as a thing?

-That's exactly it.

Well, that's a funny thing, isn't it?

And it's landed in someone else's thing, so it doesn't count.

He's got a funny thing,

he fires it, it landed in someone else's thing,

so it doesn't count.

-I'm not sure you're helping.

-I've got the hang of this!

And now it's finished.

I wonder who's won?

Probably that bloke there, dancing around with a horse's head.

John Oscar wins! How does it feel?

It feels great! I didn't think I was getting a Year Sphere at all.

Could you open the door, please, Peasant Dave?

Righty oh. Come on in, you lot.

And jump back down it, because you were utterly useless.

I never thought I'd say this, but I want Modern Dave back.

See you later, then.

Cheerio, you lot.

John Oscar, well done. Collect your Year Sphere.

MARTIAL MUSIC PLAYS

I got a Year Sphere!

Will it be an AD date or a BC date?

We'll have to wait till the end of the show to find out.

AMERICAN ACCENT: Hi!

I'm Dave Lamb from the future.

Dave Lamb's great-great-grandson.

Oh, they've invented a cure for baldness, then?

NORMAL ACCENT: No, I'm only kidding with you, it's me!

I've come via the 1960s

and nicked all this clobber from the Doctor Who set.

It's the final round, so it's over to the Gory Grid

to find out what we've got.

It's the awesome USA!

Are you ready to venture into the unknown?

Well, let's get down there, then.

Absolutely stinks in here!

It will do.

You didn't mention it smelled!

This is a tribute to those brave astronauts

who travelled all the way to the moon,

and left bags of poo behind.

No, they really did, to make their spacecraft lighter.

Yup. It's time to play...

You are an Apollo 15 astronaut and have to dump your...

..well, dumps, wee and vomit into the handy moon craters

whilst grabbing yourself some moon rocks.

The first person to make it back to base with three rocks

and raise their flag will be the proud owner of a Year Sphere.

It's time for lift-off, in...

Well, this is a lovely, futuristic game to end on.

You said you're not from the future.

Well, you'll never know!

Everyone needs to find their coloured crater

to drop off their first bag of poo.

Affan's having a little difficulty, there.

John Oscar tosses his first poo, it's a miss.

He'll have to get that back from the astronaut later on.

Elisabeth drops off her plops,

and John Oscar's buggy bumps into her.

Well, that wasn't very gallant.

Affan very carefully tosses his first number two,

but something is wrong here.

That is the wrong crater!

He'll have to wait for some help retrieving that.

Oh, I've been there, Affan.

I'm always leaving poo where it isn't wanted.

Truer words were never spoken.

The astronaut's busy retrieving John Oscar's poo,

so Affan has to wait here. This is going to cost him.

Heavy traffic behind Affan, now.

And finally, he's away.

So, the astronauts who went to the moon,

they left a load of rubbish and urine and poo on the surface?

Yeah, you'd have felt right at home, there.

Now, Elisabeth gets her third poo,

and that means she is now after moon rocks.

John Oscar deposits number two number two,

and Affan gets his first poo away.

There's Elisabeth, trying to grab that rock, she's missed it.

Well, that could be crucial, couldn't it?

She can't really go into reverse.

John Oscar is now on his rocks.

And Elisabeth claims her first.

So, at the moment, it's between John Oscar

and Elisabeth, with Affan slightly behind.

But they're neck and neck, look at this!

It's really rally driving, this, in many ways.

That's the first rock for John Oscar,

Affan deposits number two number two.

Oh, agonisingly close, but that rock has gone awry!

And is there a chance for Affan, here?

He's creeping back.

He's creeping back, and John Oscar's taken the lead.

He's got two rocks.

Well, Elisabeth seems to have thrown this away, slightly.

John Oscar's now got his third rock, he's come from nowhere!

He's now got to get back and plant that flag,

as Elisabeth finally secures rock number two.

That took her a while, it has to be said.

John Oscar needs to get back and plant his flag.

He's getting out of the moon buggy now.

This is going to be it!

John Oscar wins the space race!

It was hard at first, but then I found it easier.

I missed my first two bags of poo,

but then the astronaut got it for me, and I got the two in.

I was really happy that I won. I had no idea I was actually going to win!

Well, you did.

Oh, terrific work, everybody! Terrific work.

Help yourself, John Oscar. Well played.

That was the final Year Sphere.

It has been won.

And now, it's time to count them up.

Remember, AD dates are added to your total,

and BC dates are subtracted from it.

Here we go, then.

Affan, open up that first Year Sphere, please.

Oh, it's an AD date, but it's a very small one.

60 AD. Boudicca rebelled against the Romans that year.

Let's have a look at the second one.

Oh!

It's a big BC,

it's 4000 BC.

The domestication of the horse happened round about then.

So you have a large BC total, there, 3,940.

Who knows? it may be enough.

John Oscar, let's have a look at that first one.

1170 AD!

Thomas Becket was murdered in Canterbury Cathedral that year.

Let's have a look at that second one.

Oh, it's another AD,

you'll be delighted to hear!

1887 AD, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

published his first Sherlock Holmes story that year.

You've got an excellent total, John Oscar.

I don't think it can be beaten. Elisabeth,

let's see what you've got, anyway.

1533, it's a decent score.

Henry VIII married Anne Boleyn that year.

But it's congratulations to John Oscar, because he has amassed

a whopping 3,057 points,

which means that he is today's winner.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And John Oscar, I'm afraid that's where the good news ends.

Because sadly, your prize is going to be

something disgusting that's been scooped out of the murky waters

of the Time Sewer by Rattus, here.

No, I tell you, Dave, this one's a cracker.

I'd give my right arm to get this!

Because it is, in fact, a right arm!

SHRIEK

Whose arm?

St Oswald's!

It was a sacred relic that was famously stolen

in the Middle Ages by a bunch of monks from Peterborough Abbey.

Cheeky monkeys!

Who would want a right arm? What do they use it for?

Scratching your back? Getting biscuits off the top shelf?

Shaking hands with politicians?

I mean, the list of uses is endless.

There you go, John Oscar.

Try not to high-five it.

Oh, you have high-fived it.

A mistake, in my opinion.

Well, I hope you enjoy it.

At least you don't have to face the perils of the Time Sewer,

which is, I'm afraid, what's going to happen to you two runners-up.

Go on, then, off you go.

-Bye, Elisabeth.

-Adios.

-Adios.

-Bye, Affan.

-See you later!

-Adios.

-Adios.

Eww!

Oh, it's so horrible!

Oh...

I've been Dave Lamb.

And I've been Rattus Rattus.

And you've been watching...

Poo Do You Think You Are?

-..Gory Games!

-Poo!

-Goodbye!

-Goodbye!

# Games! #