Episode 8 HH: Gory Games

Rattus? Rattus! Anybody seen Rattus?

Have you seen Rattus? I've looked everywhere for him.

The show's about to start.

HE SIGHS

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# You'd better turn off This show ain't for you

# Still watching? Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

# Horrible Histories Gory...

# ..Games! #

Hello and welcome to Gory Games.

I'm Dave Lamb and this is...

Well, there's no Rattus Rattus.

I'm afraid he's gone missing and I have no idea where he is.

RATTUS PANTS

I'm so sorry I'm late.

I've been on holiday in the Saxon era

and on my way back there was a blockage in the Time Sewer.

Henry VIII had had this particularly big lunch

-and he'd...

-All right, too much information!

Let's crack on and meet today's Horrible Historians.

Hi, my name's Melissa and I'm from London.

CHEERING

My name is Ella and I'm from Manchester.

CHEERING

Hello, my name is Ashley and I'm from Essex.

CHEERING

Welcome, everyone. Right, you lot are here to win Year Spheres.

The person with the highest year score at the end of the show

will win a prize that Rattus has dredged out of the Time Sewer.

And where better to find a prize?

Well, pretty much anywhere.

Anyway, time to crack on with round one.

Let's find out what it's about by going over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Groovy Greeks.

So, four questions, then, on the Groovy Greeks coming up.

The person who gets the most right wins the first Year Sphere.

Your four Greek topics are...

So, Melissa, it is your turn to pick first.

Which of those would you like?

-Apples, please.

-Apples?

Let's hear that question.

In Ancient Greece, why would you throw an apple at someone?

-A - to get their attention.

-Cooee!

B - to declare your love for them.

-C - to tell them they smell.

-Eugh!

Let's have a look at your answers, please.

Ah, interesting.

Melissa thinks it's C, the other two think it's B.

What is the answer?

The answer is B. In Ancient Greece,

throwing an apple at someone was a declaration of love.

Yeah, a pretty girl threw an apple at me once.

Was it love?

No, she set shouted, "Get out of my kitchen, you disgusting rat!"

So, that is a point each for Ella and Ashley. A good start.

Pick a topic, please, Ella.

Tyrants, please.

How did Ancient Greek tyrant Cleisthenes of Sicyon

defeat the town of Kryssia?

A - by diverting a river through the town,

B - by setting the town alight,

C - by giving all the inhabitants diarrhoea.

Let's have a look at your answers, please.

Melissa thinks its C, Ella and Ashley agreeing again on B.

Some sort of psychic thing going on there. Let's find out the answer.

The answer is C,

Cleisthenes contaminated their water supply with laxatives so when

all the inhabitants were weakened with diarrhoea, he took the city.

Oh-oh-oh!

I'm not sure you'd want it after that.

RATTUS LAUGHS That's a fair point, actually.

A very fair point. Well done, Melissa,

you're straight back into the game.

Ashley, it's your turn to pick.

Can I have beans, please?

You can have beans.

That is a question, unsurprisingly really, from Rattus Rattus.

Eh? Is it? Oh. Oh, here we go.

Why would some Ancient Greeks not eat beans?

Because they thought they contained...

Show me now, please.

Ah, in total agreement there.

Everybody thinks it's A. What's the answer, Rattus?

Well, the answer is...

I'm afraid its C.

Yes, some Ancient Greeks wouldn't eat beans as they thought

they contained the souls of the dead.

HE CACKLES

HE SPLUTTERS

The beans you eat contain the wind of the dead.

RATTUS FARTS Oh!

DAVE COUGHS Unnecessary!

All to play for here. One topic left.

Philosophers is our final category.

How did Ancient Greek philosopher Empedocles try to prove

he was a god?

A - by walking on water,

B - by fighting an army all by himself,

C - by jumping into a volcano.

Show me your answers, please.

They all think it's A this time.

What's the answer?

The answer is C.

He jumped into a volcano thinking he would come back as a god.

Presumably the god of total idiots.

RATTUS LAUGHS Thanks, Rattus.

OK, well, there we go. That's the end of the round

and we can see that we have gone straight to a tie-breaker situation.

Fingers on those buzzers.

Buzz in as soon as you think you know the answer.

Beginning with the letter A,

what was the name of the Ancient Greek city which is still

their capital today?

-Ella.

-Athens.

-Athens is right.

Well done, Ella.

You have won the first Year Sphere.

Which means it's time for me to say...

all hail the...

HE MUMBLES

Help yourself, Ella.

I hope you chose wisely.

So do I, because AD dates will be added to your total score

but BC dates will be subtracted from it.

There it is, sitting on the plinth.

We'll find out what's in there later on.

Now, winning the Greek quiz means that Ella's automatically

through to play the Greek game.

But will she be alone or will the others get to play, too?

Let's find out.

Oh, it's a single-player game, Ella,

so, off you go down that Time Sewer on your own, please.

Ew!

SHE GAGS

There's no such thing as a free lunch.

Unless you're playing...

Spartans started school at seven.

The age, not the time.

Thank you, Rattus. And spying and sneaking was on the turntable.

Your lesson today is to practise stealing food from a sleeping

soldier. Climb through the vines but watch the bells.

Three rings and you'll get more than detention.

Your time starts in...

FOGHORN HONKS

OK, Ella, time to get sneaking. Ah, Rattus, she's taking the low road.

-We've seen that work before.

-I'm a big fan of the low road, Dave.

I've heard that rumour.

She's moving very carefully, which is essential, of course.

BELL TINKLES Oh, there's bell number one.

There's a little tinkle. Ooh, he's waking up.

-And he's fallen asleep.

-Yup, that's called stirring, Rattus.

Come on, Ella, you can get this food.

-You really oughtn't to steal food...

-No, that's quite right,

-Rattus, actually.

-No, you should wait until the teacher chucks them

-in the bin.

-That's not quite what I meant.

BELL TINKLES Oh, there's bell number two!

Well, she's going to have to be very careful now.

Still persisting with this low trajectory.

In fact, she couldn't get any lower than that.

Although, it looks like she's going slightly off-piste here, Rattus.

Nope, she's just having a sit down.

Yup, this is a break, I think.

-This is officially a break.

-Oh, she's going for the under-leg.

Oh, hang on a minute. I don't like the look of this

and there's bell number three! And now it's time for her to run.

Ooh, he's an aggrieved teacher.

He really is. Ella escapes back up the tunnel without lunch

or a Year Sphere. Penny for your thoughts, Ella.

When I froze, I was thinking maybe he didn't hear it.

But when he did, I was just like, "Oh, no."

So I had to run away.

Bad luck.

No Year Sphere for you this time.

-What's that, Rattus?

-Hm?

Oh, you don't think I'd go on holiday to Saxon times

and not bring you back a present?

Oh, you shouldn't have!

Oh, you really shouldn't have!

It a Saxon maw-worm.

-Eugh!

-Saxon Britain was very, very dirty. Mm!

Which is why it's my favourite holiday destination.

-Of course it is.

-Oh, come on, Dave, give Mawy a home.

You've room for one little Saxon parasite in your guts.

Not going to happen.

He's all stomach trained and everything.

N-O!

Oh, don't worry, Mawy, Rattus still loves you.

Onto round two. And to find out what's up next,

it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Measly Middle Ages.

Mm! And here are your all-important Middle Ages topics.

So, Ella, it is your turn to pick a topic first this time.

-What'll you have?

-Crusades, please.

-Crusades.

That is a question from Rattus Rattus.

Certainly is.

True or false -

when off on a long crusade,

a knight would often take an old woman with him.

Is that true or is that false?

Let's have a look at your answers, please.

Everyone thinks it's true. What's the answer, Rattus?

It's true.

Knights would often force old women to come with them on their crusades

to do their washing,

find and cook their food and get rid of their nits.

-That is shocking.

-Isn't it?

Why would you want to get rid of your nits?

-MAWY SQUEAKS

-What's that, Mawy?

-MAWY SQUEAKS

-Yes? Mawy says,

"Be nice to parasites."

This is turning into a bit of a nightmare for me.

-Ashley, it's your turn to pick a topic.

-Can I have crimes, please?

You certainly can. What's that question?

True or false - an Early Middle Ages method for seeing

if someone was guilty of a crime was to see

if they'd choke on a slice of bread and cheese.

Is that true or is that false? Show me now.

Everyone thinks it's false. What's the answer?

It's true.

It was called trial by sacred morsel.

If you choked on the food, you were guilty.

Which reminds me, Rattus,

did you steal a sandwich from my dressing room?

-Guilty.

-Oh, Rattus!

No points for anyone that time, I'm afraid.

Melissa, your turn to pick.

I choose myths, please.

Myths it is. Let's hear that question.

True or false -

in the Early Middle Ages, people believed that

rheumatism was caused by invisible dragons biting you.

Show me now, please.

Melissa and Ella both think it's false.

But Ashley thinks that is true.

-What's the answer?

-It's...

false. We believed that rheumatism

was caused by elves firing tiny little arrows at you.

-Boo!

-Which makes an awful lot more sense.

Not!

Melissa and Ella, a point apiece there. One topic left.

The last topic is toothache.

True or false, an Early Middle Ages cure for toothache was to boil

a holly leaf, lay it on a saucer of water, raise it to your mouth

and belch.

They've all gone for true. What's the answer?

It's false.

As if that'd work!

You have to raise a saucer to your mouth and yawn.

-Then it works.

-Of course you do!

Duh.

OK, no points for anyone there,

and looking at the abacus

we can see that we're about to

enter a tie-breaker situation.

OK, this is between Melissa and Ella.

Beginning with the letter D,

what was the name of the special doors to castles that could be

raised and lowered across the moat or keep invaders out.

-Melissa?

-Drawbridges.

Drawbridges! Absolutely right.

Well played, Melissa.

Help yourself to a Year Sphere.

Look at that. The agony of choice.

What's in there? We'll find out later.

OK, Melissa's through to play the Middle Ages game.

But will it be just her or will the others get to play along, too?

Let's find out.

It's an all-play game,

so it's off to down the Time Sewer with the lot of you.

Lead them off, Ashley.

-It stinks in here! Bleugh!

-It really does.

Bye, Dave!

Ooh! This is gross.

It is g-ross.

It's the Middle Ages and you're laying siege to a castle.

And what better way of getting them to let you in than

by catapulting a whole load of foul things at them?

It's time to play...

You've got to catapult in rocks, rotten meat

and some lovely horse heads.

The Year Sphere goes to the person who fires the most

missiles into their fortress target within the time limit.

Your time starts in...

FOGHORN HONKS Let's get sieging!

Oh, do you know, Dave, this may be my favourite game.

-Oh, yeah, why's that?

-Well, it's all the delicious leftovers.

I see where you're coming from.

Everyone misses with that opening volley there.

But they're back for seconds. Ashley opting for some rotting meat there.

Why are they flinging the rotten meat, Dave?

-Is that to feed the rats?

-No, Rattus, it's to spread disease.

I thought that was my job.

Well, sadly it is in a lot of places,

and Melissa's off the mark.

Excellent. She draws first blood.

Can Ashley match her with this pebble?

Oh, I think not!

I think not, too, that could be in the middle of next week, I think.

There's a lot of firing going on but not too much scoring.

Oh, I spoke too soon there.

That rock rings Ella level with Melissa on one apiece.

30 seconds remaining.

Oh, 30 seconds to go already

and Melissa takes a 2-1 lead.

Surely that could be unassailable in a low-scoring game such as this.

-What can the others do about it, Rattus?

-Er...work harder?

Yes, that's a good thing.

Do you know, another way to take a castle was to dig a tunnel

underneath it, cause it to collapse.

Well, then you get a castle that's collapsed.

I mean, what's the point of that?

I don't know, they didn't think it through.

Melissa still holding a 2-1 lead here.

There's a horse's head Ashley's lining up now.

What a revolting thought that is. FOGHORN HONKS

That skips underneath.

It's all over, Melissa's won it,

and I for one would like to hear about her tactical approach.

My strategy was to do smallest to largest,

so I first went with the rocks, then the ham and then the horses' heads.

I was actually really close to Melissa

and it was really frustrating when she got another one

and I kind of just knew that I wouldn't get another one.

My worst thing was the chopped-off horses,

which are painstaking to look at.

Back you come, back you come, back you come.

Well done, Melissa, help yourself, help yourself.

Dave, Dave, I actually got you another present.

Ah.

-Well, it doesn't SOUND disgusting anyway.

-Yep.

And on it goes.

Thanks, Rattus, appreciate it.

Round three.

And it's over to the Gory Grid to find out what's up next.

It's the Savage Stone Age.

So, four questions, as always,

and here are your four Savage Stone Age topics.

So, Ashley, it's your turn to lead us off this time.

Which one do you want?

-Wolves, please.

-Wolves.

Let's hear that question.

True or false. Some Stone Age people used wolves to help hunt.

Show me now, please.

Wow, everyone thinks it's true. Let's find out.

It's...

true. Stone Age people tamed some wolves.

Wolf chase prey, people kill prey.

-WOLVES YELP

-Rah!

Make good team.

Clever.

That's right.

All dogs were descended from wolves that were tamed by Stone Agers.

Well, it's easy to believe with an Alsatian.

Hard to believe with a Chihuahua.

Yeah, they're basically rats on stilts.

-MAWY SQUEAKS

-What's that, Mawy?

That's an insult to rats? Yes,...

That's an insult to rats!

DAVE SIGHS Great.

Melissa, your turn to pick a topic.

I choose funerals, please.

Funerals, that is a prop question.

Ooh, prop question.

-# Prop question!

-Prop question!

# Prop question! #

Nice prop, huh?

Not a bad prop at all.

True or false, Stone Agers in Sweden helped their dead

into the afterlife by firing arrows into the sky.

Is that true or is that false? Show me now, please.

Well, everybody thinks it's true. I can tell you...

it's only false.

Sorry about that.

They used to shoot arrows into their corpses to help them

into the afterlife, of course.

Right, Ella, your go.

-Furniture, please.

-Furniture it is.

What's that question?

True or false - Stone Age people in Orkney Islands make furniture

out of stone.

Is that true or is that false?

Let's have a look.

-They all think it's true. What's the answer?

-It's...

true. They make furniture made out of stone and make stone beds, too.

Nice. Comfy.

If you say so. Well done.

There's a point apiece there.

This is an extremely close round.

The final topic is Neanderthals.

True or false - Neanderthal people had low, gravelly voices.

Is that true or is that false?

Disagreement. Melissa and Ashley think it's false

but Ella thinks it's true.

What's the answer?

It's...

false. Neanderthal people had high-pitched, squeaky voices.

So, that's points to Melissa and Ashley.

The throat of Neanderthals is shorter than that of a human

and they had deep rib cages and large nasal cavities, meaning...

HE MAKES VOICE SQUEAKY ..they had very squeaky voices.

-RATTUS CHUCKLES

-That's a great Neanderthal impression, Dave.

That's the face, not the voice.

Congratulations, though, at the end of that round we can see

Melissa and Ashley are in a tie-break situation.

-WHISPERS:

-It's a tie-break situation!

-Here we go.

Are you ready for this?

Beginning with the letter M,

what was the name of the huge, hairy elephant-like animal...

-Melissa.

-Mammoth.

For the viewers at home, beginning with the letter M, what was the name

of the huge, hairy elephant-like animals that were hunted by cavemen?

Mammoths is absolutely right. Well done, Melissa.

Help yourself to another Year Sphere. Bad luck, Ashley.

Very close, that.

There we go.

Let's hope it's a nice AD date.

So, Melissa, as the winner of the Stone Age quiz,

is through to play the Stone Age game.

But will it be just her or is everyone coming along?

Let's find out.

Oh, it's a single-player game, Melissa.

So that means you're down the Time Sewer on your own.

Poo-wee!

Poo-wee!

It's the Stone Age,

when stones were just about the only thing people didn't eat.

Certainly no-one turned down a delicacy like the half-digested

food in a mega bear stomach.

-Mm!

-Mmm! So let's play...

All you have to do is fish out some dainty treats

in the form of the half-digested food in its stomach.

Put each half-chewed abomination by the right cave painting

and make sure you do it before the other mega bears turn up.

Go!

So, Melissa dives right in there,

getting up to her elbows,

and already she's got something.

It's a foot.

It's a foot. I wonder who that belongs to.

-Probably a one-legged caveman.

-Well, that's true.

That is true enough. In the bin it goes. She's back for more.

Having a really good root around in there.

What's she found? Oh, it's a rat!

Ooh, quick, Melissa, check his pulse.

-Can you feel a heartbeat?

-I'm afraid it's gone, Rattus.

Well, it's gone on the caveman's dinner table,

and Melissa is back and she's found a length of intestine,

which needs to get thrown out, and that is what she's done.

Cheekily wiping her hands, there, on the mega bear's pelt.

In she goes again. A fish this time.

That's nice. We can use that.

We've got two more items.

We need the horse's hoof and we need the cabbage. What's she got here?

-That looks cabbagey.

-Cabbagey!

It is cabbagey. It's so cabbagey, in fact, it's a cabbage.

She just needs a horse's hoof now.

In she goes again,

returning once again to the gore that is a mega bear's innards.

Look at the look of determination on her face!

She's yanking away there, it looks like the ribcage is going to go.

But it's a hoof!

It's a hoof!

And that means that Melissa has managed to empty the mega bear

successfully and can enjoy a lovely picnic. Top celebration.

What was it actually like in there?

Inside the bear it was really gooey

and I don't recommend going inside a bear

cos it's, first of all, unhygienic

and disgusting at the same time.

Just like Rattus!

Well played, Melissa. Well played indeed.

Help yourself to another Year Sphere.

Excellent stuff.

Well done. Just excuse me.

-You hungry, Dave?

-Yeah.

I didn't get a chance to eat before the show.

-I was too busy looking for you.

-Oh.

Mawy?

Mawy?

Has anyone seen Mawy?

Oh, Dave!

You've swallowed him.

-Eh?

-You've decided to give him a home after all.

Oh, no!

-Eugh!

-I'm just joking, Dave.

I'm just joking.

I love maw-worms.

-Especially for supper.

-HE CACKLES

You ate him?!

HE BELCHES

I'm going to take that as a yes.

It's the final round

so it's over to the Gory Grid to find out what we've got.

It's the Rotten Romans.

It's the Rotten Romans. The final chance to win a Year Sphere.

-Are you up for it?

-Yes.

-Yes, they are.

Get down that Time Sewer, then, the lot of you. Mind yourself. Go

-Whee! It stinks in here, though!

-Eugh. Oh.

-It stinks.

Roman farmers would pay good money for smelly fertiliser.

So you could clean up by getting very messy.

It's time to go...

Stercus is what Romans called poo.

So, slop some stercus up from the cesspit, carry it along your lane

and plop it into your measuring cylinder.

Whoever collects the most bags the Year Sphere.

Hold your noses, if you can. In...

FOGHORN HONKS

-Let's get pooey!

-Indeed.

And Ashley is the first to show, with his bag of stercus.

Ah, but it's Melissa flying out the other end first.

Terrific approach, that.

They're both on the board

and Ella taking a slightly more cautious approach.

That could be wise, for it is not about how fast you go, it is

about how much poo you deliver.

Oh, that was my school motto.

And what a school that must have been.

This game, Ashley, gives you a snapshot of Roman life, you know.

Otherwise known as rat heaven.

Yes, indeed. Ashley dropping off bag number two.

But it doesn't look like he had much in there.

Unlike Melissa, who delivers a proper payload. Ella, of course,

taking her time here.

Is this going to prove to be a great strategy, Rattus?

Oh, er, it's too early to tell, I'd say, Dave.

I think you're right there.

She's certainly got some out the other end.

But it has to be Melissa who has the lead at the moment.

And hang on. Hang on. What's happening here?

Ashley's struggling to get up onto the lane proper.

I mean, he seems to have disappeared.

-What is going on here, Rattus?

-He's just rolling around in it.

He seems to be satisfied with just rolling...

Oh! And talking of rolling around

in it, that's what Ella's going to be doing for a while.

That is what you call a wipe-out.

Wipe being the operative word

because she's going to need to be wiped down afterwards.

She's down again.

This is what's going to happen here.

I don't think there's going to be an awful lot more stercus delivered.

Melissa struggling gamely there, but has fallen down, too.

Ella rolling about.

Ashley's been rolling about since about halfway through!

Oh, that was quite a slidey bit at the end. Will this count for Ella?

This could be important.

Well, that makes it very close indeed.

The time is up and once they've all finished sliding around

we're going to need to look at these levels.

We're going to have to look very closely. There's Ashley.

I think he's out of it.

Ella does nicely.

But it's Melissa who takes it, by about a thumbnail's width.

How did that feel?

I feel really, really happy.

Happy but pooey.

Oh, that is one of the closest games we have ever seen on this programme.

Amazing. But, Melissa, you did it again.

You've now got yourself a full podium.

But of course that doesn't necessarily mean she has won.

Everything is still to play for

because we are about to count up those Year Spheres.

And remember - AD dates are added to your total, BC dates are subtracted

from it. Melissa, start us off, please.

Open that first Year Sphere up for me, please.

Oh, and it's started off badly, I'm afraid.

4,000 BC.

Cattle were domesticated for the first time around about then.

OK, but you've got enough

Year Spheres to come back from that.

Let's have a look at the second one.

That's 1775 AD,

the American Revolution began

that year.

Let's have a look at number three.

Oh, it's good again. 1914 AD, the Christmas truce during World War I

happened that year.

Let's have a look at number four.

Yes, it's all heading the right way here. 1471 AD,

the death of Pachacuti was that year.

And now, let's have a look at this crucial fifth one.

Oh, it's another AD!

It's another AD.

1558 AD, Queen Elizabeth I

ascended to the throne that year.

You got loads of points.

Let's have a look at your one, Ella.

Come on, let's open it up anyway.

Yup, it's 1861 AD.

The death of Queen Victoria's husband Prince Albert was that year.

Ashley, you were waiting there on nought in case the others

had been negative, but they weren't,

which means that today's winner, with 2,718 points, is Melissa.

And are you going to love your prize?

No, because it's something that Rattus has found

bobbing around in the Time Sewer.

Oh, Dave, you've really put your foot in it this time.

Quite literally, because it's a Mayan sandal.

Well, it looks OK.

Oh, smells of wee!

Of course it does.

The Maya said you should wee on a sandal

and drink it to cure a heavy cold.

Certainly works for me.

And you alone.

-There you go, Melissa.

-Thank you.

-Congratulations.

A sandal covered in wee - what a prize!

But at least it's only wee, as our two runners-up have to go

home through the Time Sewer.

Oh, bad luck, you two.

-Thanks for playing.

-No, not again! Oh!

HE SQUEALS

Good luck down there, you lot. Try not to swallow any of it.

-Why not?

-For the obvious reasons.

SHE SQUEALS

I've been Rattus Rattus.

I've been Dave Lamb.

-And he's been Mawy.

-MAWY SQUEAKS

You've been watching Gory Games.

-Goodbye.

-Goodbye.

# Games! #