Episode 9 HH: Gory Games

-Next left, driver.

-Rattus, I am not your chauffeur.

Don't talk to the talent, driver.

I am not your driver.

Well, how come I'm in the back ordering you around

and you're in the front driving?

Because your feet can't reach the pedals.

We're just carpooling to save the environment.

Cut down on emissions.

RATTUS BREAKS WIND

And that's not helping.

Next right, driver.

HE LAUGHS

Oh, give me strength.

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and you don't laugh at poo

# You better turn off This show ain't for you

# Still watching?

# Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

# Horrible Histories Gory...

# Games. #

Hello and welcome to Gory Games.

With the star of the show, me, Rattus Rattus,

and his ex-chauffeur, Dave Lamb.

"Ex-chauffeur"?

-Yeah, you're fired.

-You can't fire me, I don't work for you.

Not any more you don't, you're fired.

Let's meet today's horrible historians.

Hi, I'm Paris and I'm from Windsor.

CHEERING

Hi, I'm Keaton and I'm from Liverpool.

CHEERING

Hi, I'm Zainab and I'm from London.

CHEERING

Welcome, everyone.

You lot are playing to win Year Spheres.

The person with the highest year score at the end of the show

will win a terrible prize fished out of the time sewer

by the even more terrible Rattus Rattus.

# Just cos I fired you. #

He simply didn't.

Time to crack on with Round One.

Let's find out what it's about by going over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Rotten Romans.

So, four questions on the Rotten Romans coming up.

The person who gets the most right wins the first Year Sphere

and your four Roman topics are...

RATTUS RATTUS LAUGHS

So, Paris, you get to pick first this round.

What are you going to go for?

-I'm going to go for Toilets, please.

-Toilets!

And you won't be surprised to hear that that is a question from Rattus.

It certainly is. True or false -

Roman public toilets didn't have cubicles,

so everyone had to do their business sitting next to each other?

TOILET FLUSHES

HE LAUGHS

Is that true or is that false? Show me now, please.

Wow. Everybody has gone for true.

What's the answer, Rattus?

It's true. Yeah.

They would even share the same sponge on a stick

to wipe their bottoms.

I would never share a pooey sponge on a stick.

-No, good for you, Rattus.

-No, I'd eat it all myself.

That's a point apiece. What a cracking start.

Superb. Keaton, pick us a topic.

Can I go for Banquets, please?

True or false - at banquets in ancient Rome, slaves would

crawl around the floor mopping up the guests' vomit?

Is that true or is that false? Let's see.

Wow. Keaton and Zainab both think it's false.

Paris think that's true. What's the answer, please?

It's true.

I mean, you'd have to be sick between courses

so you could eat more,

meaning there was plenty of sick for those slaves to clear up.

Oh, talk about a dream job!

Hey, Dave, you should apply.

Now I've sacked you as my driver.

PARIS GIGGLES Moving on.

Let's give a point to Paris, shall we? There we go.

Fabulous. OK, Zainab, your turn.

-Caligula, please.

-Caligula it is.

Let's hear that question.

True or false - Caligula once got so bored at a gladiator games

that he ordered his guards to throw a section

of the audience into the arena to be eaten alive by wild animals?

Is that true or is that false? Let's see.

Wow. Paris and Keaton think it's true.

Zainab thinks that false. What's the answer?

It's true.

On the bright side, they did get an excellent view of the games.

Well played, Paris and Keaton. A point apiece.

There is one question left in this round

and it is a question on Catapults.

True or false - when the Roman army ran out of ropes

for their catapults, they used rat tails knotted together?

Don't you worry, Taily, it was a long time ago.

Is that true or is that false?

Zainab and Keaton agreeing this time, both thinking it's false.

Paris has gone for true. What's the answer?

It's false.

But they did sometimes use women's hair.

Phew, you're all right, Taily, you're all right.

I'm sure we're all delighted for Taily,

but I'll tell you who is delighted -

Keaton and Zainab. They get a point each there.

And look at that - at the end of the round,

we have a tie-breaker situation.

Zainab, just for the moment, you are history.

Keaton and Paris, you're going

head-to-head for the first Year Sphere.

Beginning with the letter L, what were the wild animals...

RATTUS RATTUS BREAKS WIND ..in the Roman arena

to which Christians were often fed?

-Keaton.

-Lions.

Lions is correct. Congratulations, Keaton,

-you have won the first Year Sphere.

-Yes!

-Excellent work.

And that means it's time for me to say...

ECHOING VOICE: All hail the Potty Pyramid!

Keaton, help yourself to the first Year Sphere.

Choose wisely, because AD dates will be added to your total score,

but BC dates will of course be subtracted.

We'll find out what's in there later on.

Now, winning the Roman Quiz means that Keaton is automatically through

to play the Roman Game,

but will he be alone or will everybody get to play?

Let's find out, shall we?

It's a single player game.

Off you go down the Time Sewer, Keaton.

Good luck.

Bleurgh!

I'm going to vomit.

The year is 31 BC and the Roman Empire is at war with itself!

RATTUS RATTUS LAUGHS

Octavian and Mark Antony are going head-to-head

for the ultimate victory. Yes, it's time to play...

You are on Octavian's side.

Use your catapult to sink Mark Antony's ships.

One point for hitting a ship.

Two points if it's Mark Antony's blue ship.

Score five points to win a Year Sphere.

On my command...

Three, two, one...

Unleash hell!

FOG HORN BLARES

And that's exactly what Keaton is going to do.

-He loads the catapult.

-I don't like catapults.

Largely, because they contain the word "cat."

LAUGHING: No, it's a fair point.

He's having a miss there to start.

A second miss. Well, is he going to hit at all, Rattus?

-Oh!

-Oh, yes!

-Yes, he is.

And that was Mark Antony's ship, so he starts off with two points.

Lovely. There's a third.

-Rattus, he's flying now, isn't he?

-He certainly is.

I'm willing him on.

Oh, well done, and it's making a difference.

That's four points already and here comes Trevor the Seagull.

Trevor always tries to defend Mark Antony's fleet,

but he's got nowhere there!

Keaton has done it! What a seafaring genius.

How did that feel?

The game was fun and exciting.

It was really difficult at first,

but once you got into the hang of it, it was amazing.

I bet that seagull was a high point.

When the seagull came in, it was really annoying,

-cos I got distracted a lot.

-HE IMITATES SEAGULL: Hello, Keaton.

Got any chips for me?

Congratulations, Keaton.

Superb ship sinking.

Help yourself to another Year Sphere.

Rattus, what are you doing?

I'm writing an ad.

"Wanted, new driver for a hugely successful Rattus."

THEY GIGGLE

""Must be better than my current one, which won't be difficult."

That is going straight down the Time Sewer.

Aw!

Not that I was ever your driver.

Onto Round Two and to find out what's up next,

it's over to that most goriest of all grids.

It's the Measly Middle Ages.

And here are your all-important Middle Ages topics.

So, Keaton, it is your turn to pick a topic first.

Can I go for Monks, please?

Bored monks sometimes added cheeky images

to religious manuscripts they were illustrating.

The Rutland Salter features a demon firing an arrow into what...?

Show me now, please.

Oh, they've all gone for B.

Every one of them thinks it's a dragon's bottom.

-What's the answer?

-The answer is...

A.

The monk drew a demon firing an arrow into a merman's bottom.

Naughty monky.

And if you don't believe us, here it is.

I bet when they saw that,

all the other monks broke their vow of silence.

THEY LAUGH

Zainab, your turn to pick a topic.

Can I have Richard III, please?

Richard III. You certainly can, and that is a prop question.

# Prop question

# Prop question Prop question. #

Prop question.

That is a human bone.

In 2012, the bones of King Richard III were discovered in Leicester,

but where exactly?

THEY GASP Was it...?

All answer now, please.

They've all gone for A,

and they are all correct.

Of course, Richard III's bones were dug up in a Leicester car park.

My mate Trevor's body was found in a Leicester car park.

On a wheel.

He was a hedgehog.

Sad.

And if you're a hedgehog

and have been affected by any of the issues in today's programme...

then bad luck.

A point for everyone.

Smashing stuff.

Paris, it's your go to pick a topic.

Please may I have Robert of Artois?

-That is a question from Rattus Rattus.

-Good choice.

The French count Robert of Artois was a real prankster.

But which of these was not one of his pranks?

Was it A -

a hidden hosepipe to squirt water up ladies' dresses?

B - a spitting statue?

Hwak! Ptui!

Or C - a file of slippery fox poo left on the floor?

Show me those answers now, please.

Every man jack of them has gone for C. Rattus, what's the answer?

Well, the answer is indeed C.

Yes, the pile of slippery fox poo left on the floor

-wasn't one of Robert Artois's pranks.

-No indeed.

SQUELCH

Whoa!

Oh! Although it is one of mine.

Very...very amusing, Rattus. Another absolutely smashing joke.

That's a point apiece.

That leaves us with one question remaining

and it's a question on Charles VI.

Middle Ages French King Charles VI lost the plot

and started to think he was made of glass.

Doctors tried to treat him by doing what?

A - jumping out at him to surprise him?

B - covering him in fox grease?

Or C - making him swim in a pool of fish eyeballs?

Show me your answers now, please.

Oh, that's divided them.

Girls think it's B. Keaton thinks it's C. What's the answer?

The answer is A.

Oh.

The doctors jumped out at Charles VI,

thinking the shock would cure him.

Hey, Rattus! Rattus...

I bet he was shattered!

BELL TOLLS

WIND HOWLS

Thought he was made of glass.

No?

Never mind.

OK, at the end of that round, it's a three-way tie

and we all know what that means.

It's a tie-breaker situation.

Beginning with the letter C,

this piece of siege equipment would be used to hurl stones at castles.

TOILET FLUSHES

-Zainab.

-Catapult.

Catapult is absolutely right.

Congratulations, Zainab. Help yourself to a Year Sphere.

I wonder what's in there.

OK, Zainab, you are through to play the Middle Ages game,

but will it be just you or will the others get to play, too?

Let's find out.

It's an All Play game!

Yes! Come on!

So it's down the Time Sewer with the lot of you. On you go.

Lead them off, Zainab.

Eugh!

That one's particularly stinky.

Now, this is a game where we train you to become a knight

in slightly less than the usual 14 years.

You've got 2 minutes. Let's play...

This skill is called running the rings.

You have to tear through the course, hooking one ring at a time

and dumping it back in your basket.

The first person to collect five rings wins the Year Sphere.

HORN BLOWS

And they're away, and Keaton has gone off like an express train,

but I don't think, Rattus, he's actually grabbed a ring.

I think he's missing the hoop.

He's forgotten the hoop, or maybe he's planning to get it at the end.

Yes, this is tactics, this, Rattus. Look, there he is.

-He's started back to front.

-Crafty!

But it's worked for him. Look at that.

One point already

and then Paris levels it up

and then Zainab makes it a three-way tie.

Well, contrasting styles but an interesting race.

There we go, we're watching Paris there.

Chasing after Keaton, who is delivering number two.

Look at this, this is neck and neck.

Two horses at the top of their game!

And of course Zainab's still in it as well.

I'll tell you what, Rattus, this is so exciting,

my voice is going a little "horse".

Yeah, leave the jokes to me, Dave.

Of course, I keep forgetting that!

Keaton forging into the lead again.

He's always just ahead, and Zainab has snuck back into second.

Well, what a comeback from her

as Keaton continues his relentless march to five rings.

Oh, Dave, don't count your chickens before they've pooed.

That doesn't even mean anything,

Rattus, you've just used poo gratuitously there.

But I'm going to count my chickens, I'm going to count everything,

because Keaton has done it.

Keaton's the winner, but the question on everyone's lips is,

what's he named his horse?

I've called it...Jefferson.

NEIGH!

Nice horse.

Well, congratulations there, Keaton. Superb work.

Help yourself to another Year Sphere. Incredible stuff.

There we go.

Whoa! Roman! It's a Roman!

Oh. I think it's your ad, Rattus.

It must have floated off down the Time Sewer.

So, Tony, what experience do you have of driving?

I'm so sorry. He calls all Romans Tony.

It's all right, it's my name.

Oh. Lucky guess, Rattus. Sorry, you were saying?

I used to race chariots in the arena, until this shipwreck.

Now, shipwreck - that is what they used to call chariot crashes.

Yes, I know, I know!

Well, I'm looking for someone who's a bit less, you know, shipwrecky.

-Sorry, Tony.

-Aww!

-Oh, well.

-Sorry about that. Leave that here if you like.

Oh, and chuck the ad back in, Dave.

Yeah, will do.

Not quite so easy to replace your driver as you thought, eh, Rattus?

Not that I was ever your driver.

Right, Round Three,

and it's over to the Gory Grid to find out what's up next.

It's the Incredible Inca.

So, four questions as always, and here are your four Inca topics.

So, Zainab, what's it going to be?

Crime, please.

Let's hear that question.

What was the punishment for insulting the Emperor?

Was it being A - thrown off a cliff?

B - thrown into a pit of snakes?

C - chopped up and fed to guinea pigs?

Show me now, please.

Right, Paris and Keaton agree on B. Zainab thinks it's A.

What is the answer, please?

The answer is A.

If you insulted the Emperor, you were thrown off a cliff.

Just for the record, though, I think the Emperor is the greatest.

Yay, Emperor!

Yay indeed. Well done, Zainab.

That is a point for you. Excellent.

Paris, which one of those would you like?

Um... Instruments, please.

Instruments. Now, that is a prop question.

Prop question! Prop question! Prop question! Prop question!

Here we go, then. There is your prop. That is a conch shell.

Incan festivals featured musical parades with men playing drums,

tambourines, flutes and conches.

HONK!

Whew, 'scuse you!

What was the Inca conch called?

Was it...?

RATTUS LAUGHS

Show me your answers, please.

Ah, BBC. I love it when that happens.

I can tell you that the answer

is C. Pututu.

HONK!

All right, all right! This isn't an audition for Inca's Got Talent!

But if it was, I'd have got on.

Excellent. Well done, Zainab.

That's another point for you. You are steaming along.

Keaton, let's choose a topic.

Can I have Myths, please?

The third Inca lord, Lloque Yupanqui, was known as

the Unforgettable Left-Handed One.

Left-handed because he was... left-handed, and unforgettable

because he was so what?

Show me now, please.

Paris thinks it's B. Keaton and Zainab agreeing with C.

What's the answer?

The answer is C. He was unforgettably ugly.

We're talking llama bottom ugly.

Hey, Dave, do you mind if I call you the Unforgettable Right-Handed One?

Yes, I do.

Well, that's a point each there for Keaton and Zainab,

and that means with one question to go in this round,

Zainab has already won herself a Year Sphere.

Help yourself.

OK, Zainab is the winner of that Inca quiz.

You're through to play the Inca Game.

Is it just going to be Zainab

or is everyone going to join in? Let's find out.

It's a Single Player game,

so Zainab, down the Time Sewer on your own, please.

It stinks!

The clean way to prepare an Inca mummy is to leave it to dry out

up a mountain, but we're going the messy route.

It's time to play...

It's your basic royal mummification.

Guts out, herbs in, eyes out, shells in.

Add the rope, wig and headpiece. Lovely.

Well, not that lovely.

If you do it within the time limit,

there's a Year Sphere for your trouble. Ready?

Go!

Right, here goes Zainab, and she's ignored the instructions,

she's gone straight for the mummy.

Oh, look at those lovely guts.

Oh, lovely's one word for it. In they go.

Oh, there's more to come. Oh, crikey.

Well, that's the guts out now, thankfully.

Time for the herbs, Zainab.

Zainab, the herb...

Oh, my goodness, she's skipped that step,

she's gone straight for the eyeballs. And she's got 'em.

Fast walk there. I like that, Rattus, very nice.

Oh, that's a lovely shimmy.

It was indeed. She squeezes the shells into place.

Now where's she going to go?

Oh, she's skipping ahead again.

Look, that's the wig and the headdress.

Most male mummies had short black wigs, Rattus.

So as well as being dried-out corpses,

they also looked ridiculous.

She can't seem to get the wig on at that angle.

30 seconds to play!

Does she have enough time here?

That's it, Zainab, put your back into it.

Oh, crikey, it looks like

Zainab's just broken his leg.

Luckily he's already in bandages, eh, Rattus?

Oh, Rattus, I cannot watch this.

It's been a very plucky effort, this, from Zainab,

but I feel the sands of time

are slipping away too quickly, Rattus.

Yeah, the rope's not going to save it now.

I think we can count this one down.

Three, two, one...

HORN BLOWS

well, it was a good effort, Zainab. Could this be a possible new career?

I never want to mummify a real person. It's too hard.

Judging by this footage, that's probably for the best. Ouch.

Oh, bad luck, Zainab.

Unfortunately, no Year Sphere for you this time,

but there's still time to win one more. Don't you worry about that.

Oh, hello! Looks like you've got another job applicant, Rattus.

Oh, yes, I like the look of him.

Like a proper chauffeur, got the right hat and everything.

The job's as good as his.

So, tell me, what experience have you got?

I'm the captain of the Titanic.

Oh, dear. And you thought the last bloke was a bit too shipwrecky.

Er... Thank you, but I do have a lot of other applicants.

I bet you wish you hadn't fired me now.

It's going to be a long walk home for you.

Go on, skipper, off you go.

Time now for the final round,

so it's over to the Gory Grid to find out what we've got.

It's the Awesome USA!

No quiz this time - it's straight to our All Play end game,

and that means it's down the Time Sewer with all of you.

Did you know that thanks to astronauts,

the moon is littered with poo? It's true.

The astronauts dumped it to make their spacecraft lighter.

It's time to play...

You are an Apollo 15 astronaut

and have to dump your bags of poo, vomit and wee in moon craters,

then collect three precious moon rocks, then leg it back to base

and raise your flag.

Be the first and win the Year Sphere.

This is going to take far too long. Blast off!

HORN BLOWS

Here we go, then, and, remember, this first lap,

they each need to be looking for their coloured crater

-to drop off the first bag of poo, Rattus.

-That's absolutely right.

They're all fully loaded at the moment,

carrying around that effluent,

and there goes the first one.

Yeah, Keaton is the first to drop off his plops.

He's top of the plops all right.

Paris tossing a stinker.

Zainab's looking a bit confused. I'm sure that won't last, though.

I'm sure that won't last.

There goes a second one.

It's an excellent start, this, from Keaton. He's forged ahead.

Paris matching him plop for plop.

Zainab still yet to drop off anything.

Both the others have released two number twos.

I stand corrected, Keaton's done three,

and Zainab's off the mark,

-and there's a collision, Rattus!

-Oh!

-Oh, that looked nasty.

-Bumper-to-bumper.

Yeah, luckily the friendly astronaut is on hand to sort it all out.

Keaton now grabs his first rock,

and there it is, placed in its receptacle.

Oh!

Oh, but Paris has missed hers.

Paris has missed the crater with that poo

and she's going to have to wait for help.

Keaton's got two rocks on board.

The friendly astronaut helps Paris deliver the poo.

Zainab's getting in on the act.

But, frankly, it's all about Keaton here.

He just needs one more rock

and then it's just a flag and he's got that final rock, Rattus.

Oh, Dave, they say there's no atmosphere on the moon,

but this is electric.

It certainly is, and... Oh, no!

Keaton has got himself snarled up by a crater there

and Paris is round him.

Now Paris needs to get a complete circuit under her belt here,

grab that final rock and then she can maybe hunt Keaton down,

because Keaton is finding this last circuit very, very tricky indeed,

and there's another shunt.

Well, the insurance claims after this are going to be extraordinary

to behold. Keaton is there, though, he's out of the vehicle.

He's got the flag.

And he's planted it.

-Yes!

-No!

-Yes!

-Urgh!

Well done, everybody. Superb work.

Top driving, Keaton.

Help yourself to another Year Sphere. Wow.

And, Keaton, you were so brilliant in your Space Race buggy

that I've got something else for you.

Yes, it's a chauffeur's hat. You're my new driver.

Unlucky, Keaton. Talk about a booby prize.

You'll find him very rude and very stinky.

Awful business. Awful!

OK, time to count up those Year Spheres now,

and, remember, AD dates are added and BC dates are subtracted.

Paris, we start with you.

You have nought.

Now, that may not be a bad thing.

That could be a very good thing,

depending on what's going on on the other two podiums.

Keaton, let's have a look at your first Year Sphere, please.

1969 AD!

Neil Armstrong is the first man to walk on the moon that year.

Let's have a look at number two.

1867 AD!

The USA purchase Alaska from Russia that year.

Let's have a look at number three.

Oh, it's still AD - 1921 this time.

Albert Einstein wins the Nobel Prize that year.

This is the crucial one. Let's have a look at it.

Oh, it's another AD!

1849.

The safety pin was invented by Walter Hunt that year.

Well, that is a terrific, terrific score, Keaton.

I'm not sure it can be beaten,

but let's have a look at Zainab's spheres anyway.

14 AD.

Well, it's a start, but it's a small start.

That was the death of Emperor Caesar Augustus.

Let's have a look at your second one there, Zainab.

Oh!

38,000 BC! Crikey!

The earliest cave paintings are from around about that time.

Well, that is a comprehensive result,

and I can announce that Keaton

is today's winner with 7,606 points.

Superb work, and you have won

an absolutely unbelievable prize, Keaton.

Totally unbelievable, actually,

because it's something Rattus has dredged up from the Time Sewer.

Yes, it's a Stewart sword salve.

-A what what?

-A cure for sword injury.

It looks more like a jar of brains and worms.

Correct. Pigs' brains and earthworms. A Stewart sword salve.

Or a Rattus lunch. Ha-ha!

Well, there you go. I'm very sorry.

And not only that, but I'm afraid

-you've got to drive Rattus home as well.

-Wahey!

So, Paris, Zainab, I'm afraid it's time for you to go home,

down through the Time Sewer. Oh, no.

Hey, Keaton! Have you got fleas?

-No.

-You have now.

Come on, let's go!

SHE GASPS

Oh, yuck!

I've been Dave Lamb, he's been Rattus Rattus, as ever.

And you've been watching Gory Games. Goodbye.

# Games! #