Episode 9 HH: Gory Games


Episode 9

Quirky quizzes and gory games. Rattus is on the hunt for a new chauffeur, and Paris, Keaton and Zainab battle it out to win Year Spheres.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

-Next left, driver.

-Rattus, I am not your chauffeur.

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Don't talk to the talent, driver.

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I am not your driver.

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Well, how come I'm in the back ordering you around

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and you're in the front driving?

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Because your feet can't reach the pedals.

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We're just carpooling to save the environment.

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Cut down on emissions.

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RATTUS BREAKS WIND

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And that's not helping.

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Next right, driver.

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HE LAUGHS

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Oh, give me strength.

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# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

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# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

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# If you're easily scared and you don't laugh at poo

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# You better turn off This show ain't for you

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# Still watching?

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# Then let's test your brains

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# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

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# Horrible Histories Gory...

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# Games. #

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Hello and welcome to Gory Games.

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With the star of the show, me, Rattus Rattus,

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and his ex-chauffeur, Dave Lamb.

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"Ex-chauffeur"?

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-Yeah, you're fired.

-You can't fire me, I don't work for you.

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Not any more you don't, you're fired.

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Let's meet today's horrible historians.

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Hi, I'm Paris and I'm from Windsor.

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CHEERING

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Hi, I'm Keaton and I'm from Liverpool.

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CHEERING

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Hi, I'm Zainab and I'm from London.

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CHEERING

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Welcome, everyone.

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You lot are playing to win Year Spheres.

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The person with the highest year score at the end of the show

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will win a terrible prize fished out of the time sewer

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by the even more terrible Rattus Rattus.

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# Just cos I fired you. #

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He simply didn't.

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Time to crack on with Round One.

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Let's find out what it's about by going over to the Gory Grid.

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It's the Rotten Romans.

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So, four questions on the Rotten Romans coming up.

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The person who gets the most right wins the first Year Sphere

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and your four Roman topics are...

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RATTUS RATTUS LAUGHS

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So, Paris, you get to pick first this round.

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What are you going to go for?

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-I'm going to go for Toilets, please.

-Toilets!

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And you won't be surprised to hear that that is a question from Rattus.

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It certainly is. True or false -

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Roman public toilets didn't have cubicles,

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so everyone had to do their business sitting next to each other?

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TOILET FLUSHES

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HE LAUGHS

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Is that true or is that false? Show me now, please.

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Wow. Everybody has gone for true.

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What's the answer, Rattus?

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It's true. Yeah.

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They would even share the same sponge on a stick

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to wipe their bottoms.

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I would never share a pooey sponge on a stick.

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-No, good for you, Rattus.

-No, I'd eat it all myself.

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That's a point apiece. What a cracking start.

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Superb. Keaton, pick us a topic.

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Can I go for Banquets, please?

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True or false - at banquets in ancient Rome, slaves would

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crawl around the floor mopping up the guests' vomit?

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Is that true or is that false? Let's see.

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Wow. Keaton and Zainab both think it's false.

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Paris think that's true. What's the answer, please?

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It's true.

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I mean, you'd have to be sick between courses

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so you could eat more,

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meaning there was plenty of sick for those slaves to clear up.

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Oh, talk about a dream job!

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Hey, Dave, you should apply.

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Now I've sacked you as my driver.

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PARIS GIGGLES Moving on.

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Let's give a point to Paris, shall we? There we go.

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Fabulous. OK, Zainab, your turn.

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-Caligula, please.

-Caligula it is.

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Let's hear that question.

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True or false - Caligula once got so bored at a gladiator games

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that he ordered his guards to throw a section

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of the audience into the arena to be eaten alive by wild animals?

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Is that true or is that false? Let's see.

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Wow. Paris and Keaton think it's true.

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Zainab thinks that false. What's the answer?

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It's true.

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On the bright side, they did get an excellent view of the games.

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Well played, Paris and Keaton. A point apiece.

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There is one question left in this round

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and it is a question on Catapults.

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True or false - when the Roman army ran out of ropes

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for their catapults, they used rat tails knotted together?

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Don't you worry, Taily, it was a long time ago.

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Is that true or is that false?

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Zainab and Keaton agreeing this time, both thinking it's false.

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Paris has gone for true. What's the answer?

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It's false.

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But they did sometimes use women's hair.

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Phew, you're all right, Taily, you're all right.

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I'm sure we're all delighted for Taily,

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but I'll tell you who is delighted -

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Keaton and Zainab. They get a point each there.

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And look at that - at the end of the round,

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we have a tie-breaker situation.

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Zainab, just for the moment, you are history.

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Keaton and Paris, you're going

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head-to-head for the first Year Sphere.

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Beginning with the letter L, what were the wild animals...

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RATTUS RATTUS BREAKS WIND ..in the Roman arena

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to which Christians were often fed?

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-Keaton.

-Lions.

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Lions is correct. Congratulations, Keaton,

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-you have won the first Year Sphere.

-Yes!

-Excellent work.

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And that means it's time for me to say...

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ECHOING VOICE: All hail the Potty Pyramid!

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Keaton, help yourself to the first Year Sphere.

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Choose wisely, because AD dates will be added to your total score,

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but BC dates will of course be subtracted.

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We'll find out what's in there later on.

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Now, winning the Roman Quiz means that Keaton is automatically through

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to play the Roman Game,

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but will he be alone or will everybody get to play?

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Let's find out, shall we?

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It's a single player game.

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Off you go down the Time Sewer, Keaton.

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Good luck.

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Bleurgh!

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I'm going to vomit.

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The year is 31 BC and the Roman Empire is at war with itself!

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RATTUS RATTUS LAUGHS

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Octavian and Mark Antony are going head-to-head

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for the ultimate victory. Yes, it's time to play...

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You are on Octavian's side.

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Use your catapult to sink Mark Antony's ships.

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One point for hitting a ship.

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Two points if it's Mark Antony's blue ship.

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Score five points to win a Year Sphere.

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On my command...

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Three, two, one...

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Unleash hell!

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FOG HORN BLARES

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And that's exactly what Keaton is going to do.

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-He loads the catapult.

-I don't like catapults.

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Largely, because they contain the word "cat."

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LAUGHING: No, it's a fair point.

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He's having a miss there to start.

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A second miss. Well, is he going to hit at all, Rattus?

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-Oh!

-Oh, yes!

-Yes, he is.

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And that was Mark Antony's ship, so he starts off with two points.

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Lovely. There's a third.

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-Rattus, he's flying now, isn't he?

-He certainly is.

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I'm willing him on.

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Oh, well done, and it's making a difference.

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That's four points already and here comes Trevor the Seagull.

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Trevor always tries to defend Mark Antony's fleet,

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but he's got nowhere there!

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Keaton has done it! What a seafaring genius.

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How did that feel?

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The game was fun and exciting.

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It was really difficult at first,

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but once you got into the hang of it, it was amazing.

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I bet that seagull was a high point.

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When the seagull came in, it was really annoying,

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-cos I got distracted a lot.

-HE IMITATES SEAGULL: Hello, Keaton.

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Got any chips for me?

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Congratulations, Keaton.

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Superb ship sinking.

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Help yourself to another Year Sphere.

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Rattus, what are you doing?

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I'm writing an ad.

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"Wanted, new driver for a hugely successful Rattus."

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THEY GIGGLE

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""Must be better than my current one, which won't be difficult."

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That is going straight down the Time Sewer.

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Aw!

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Not that I was ever your driver.

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Onto Round Two and to find out what's up next,

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it's over to that most goriest of all grids.

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It's the Measly Middle Ages.

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And here are your all-important Middle Ages topics.

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So, Keaton, it is your turn to pick a topic first.

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Can I go for Monks, please?

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Bored monks sometimes added cheeky images

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to religious manuscripts they were illustrating.

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The Rutland Salter features a demon firing an arrow into what...?

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Show me now, please.

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Oh, they've all gone for B.

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Every one of them thinks it's a dragon's bottom.

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-What's the answer?

-The answer is...

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A.

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The monk drew a demon firing an arrow into a merman's bottom.

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Naughty monky.

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And if you don't believe us, here it is.

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I bet when they saw that,

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all the other monks broke their vow of silence.

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THEY LAUGH

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Zainab, your turn to pick a topic.

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Can I have Richard III, please?

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Richard III. You certainly can, and that is a prop question.

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# Prop question

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# Prop question Prop question. #

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Prop question.

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That is a human bone.

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In 2012, the bones of King Richard III were discovered in Leicester,

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but where exactly?

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THEY GASP Was it...?

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All answer now, please.

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They've all gone for A,

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and they are all correct.

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Of course, Richard III's bones were dug up in a Leicester car park.

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My mate Trevor's body was found in a Leicester car park.

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On a wheel.

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He was a hedgehog.

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Sad.

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And if you're a hedgehog

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and have been affected by any of the issues in today's programme...

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then bad luck.

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A point for everyone.

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Smashing stuff.

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Paris, it's your go to pick a topic.

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Please may I have Robert of Artois?

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-That is a question from Rattus Rattus.

-Good choice.

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The French count Robert of Artois was a real prankster.

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But which of these was not one of his pranks?

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Was it A -

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a hidden hosepipe to squirt water up ladies' dresses?

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B - a spitting statue?

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Hwak! Ptui!

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Or C - a file of slippery fox poo left on the floor?

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Show me those answers now, please.

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Every man jack of them has gone for C. Rattus, what's the answer?

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Well, the answer is indeed C.

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Yes, the pile of slippery fox poo left on the floor

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-wasn't one of Robert Artois's pranks.

-No indeed.

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SQUELCH

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Whoa!

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Oh! Although it is one of mine.

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Very...very amusing, Rattus. Another absolutely smashing joke.

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That's a point apiece.

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That leaves us with one question remaining

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and it's a question on Charles VI.

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Middle Ages French King Charles VI lost the plot

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and started to think he was made of glass.

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Doctors tried to treat him by doing what?

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A - jumping out at him to surprise him?

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B - covering him in fox grease?

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Or C - making him swim in a pool of fish eyeballs?

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Show me your answers now, please.

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Oh, that's divided them.

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Girls think it's B. Keaton thinks it's C. What's the answer?

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The answer is A.

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Oh.

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The doctors jumped out at Charles VI,

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thinking the shock would cure him.

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Hey, Rattus! Rattus...

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I bet he was shattered!

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BELL TOLLS

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WIND HOWLS

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Thought he was made of glass.

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No?

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Never mind.

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OK, at the end of that round, it's a three-way tie

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and we all know what that means.

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It's a tie-breaker situation.

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Beginning with the letter C,

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this piece of siege equipment would be used to hurl stones at castles.

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TOILET FLUSHES

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-Zainab.

-Catapult.

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Catapult is absolutely right.

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Congratulations, Zainab. Help yourself to a Year Sphere.

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I wonder what's in there.

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OK, Zainab, you are through to play the Middle Ages game,

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but will it be just you or will the others get to play, too?

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Let's find out.

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It's an All Play game!

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Yes! Come on!

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So it's down the Time Sewer with the lot of you. On you go.

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Lead them off, Zainab.

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Eugh!

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That one's particularly stinky.

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Now, this is a game where we train you to become a knight

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in slightly less than the usual 14 years.

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You've got 2 minutes. Let's play...

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This skill is called running the rings.

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You have to tear through the course, hooking one ring at a time

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and dumping it back in your basket.

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The first person to collect five rings wins the Year Sphere.

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HORN BLOWS

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And they're away, and Keaton has gone off like an express train,

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but I don't think, Rattus, he's actually grabbed a ring.

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I think he's missing the hoop.

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He's forgotten the hoop, or maybe he's planning to get it at the end.

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Yes, this is tactics, this, Rattus. Look, there he is.

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-He's started back to front.

-Crafty!

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But it's worked for him. Look at that.

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One point already

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and then Paris levels it up

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and then Zainab makes it a three-way tie.

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Well, contrasting styles but an interesting race.

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There we go, we're watching Paris there.

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Chasing after Keaton, who is delivering number two.

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Look at this, this is neck and neck.

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Two horses at the top of their game!

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And of course Zainab's still in it as well.

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I'll tell you what, Rattus, this is so exciting,

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my voice is going a little "horse".

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Yeah, leave the jokes to me, Dave.

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Of course, I keep forgetting that!

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Keaton forging into the lead again.

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He's always just ahead, and Zainab has snuck back into second.

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Well, what a comeback from her

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as Keaton continues his relentless march to five rings.

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Oh, Dave, don't count your chickens before they've pooed.

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That doesn't even mean anything,

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Rattus, you've just used poo gratuitously there.

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But I'm going to count my chickens, I'm going to count everything,

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because Keaton has done it.

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Keaton's the winner, but the question on everyone's lips is,

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what's he named his horse?

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I've called it...Jefferson.

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NEIGH!

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Nice horse.

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Well, congratulations there, Keaton. Superb work.

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Help yourself to another Year Sphere. Incredible stuff.

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There we go.

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Whoa! Roman! It's a Roman!

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Oh. I think it's your ad, Rattus.

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It must have floated off down the Time Sewer.

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So, Tony, what experience do you have of driving?

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I'm so sorry. He calls all Romans Tony.

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It's all right, it's my name.

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Oh. Lucky guess, Rattus. Sorry, you were saying?

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I used to race chariots in the arena, until this shipwreck.

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Now, shipwreck - that is what they used to call chariot crashes.

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Yes, I know, I know!

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Well, I'm looking for someone who's a bit less, you know, shipwrecky.

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-Sorry, Tony.

-Aww!

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-Oh, well.

-Sorry about that. Leave that here if you like.

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Oh, and chuck the ad back in, Dave.

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Yeah, will do.

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Not quite so easy to replace your driver as you thought, eh, Rattus?

0:16:040:16:08

Not that I was ever your driver.

0:16:080:16:11

Right, Round Three,

0:16:110:16:12

and it's over to the Gory Grid to find out what's up next.

0:16:120:16:15

It's the Incredible Inca.

0:16:170:16:19

So, four questions as always, and here are your four Inca topics.

0:16:200:16:25

So, Zainab, what's it going to be?

0:16:300:16:32

Crime, please.

0:16:320:16:34

Let's hear that question.

0:16:340:16:35

What was the punishment for insulting the Emperor?

0:16:350:16:38

Was it being A - thrown off a cliff?

0:16:380:16:40

B - thrown into a pit of snakes?

0:16:400:16:43

C - chopped up and fed to guinea pigs?

0:16:430:16:45

Show me now, please.

0:16:450:16:47

Right, Paris and Keaton agree on B. Zainab thinks it's A.

0:16:470:16:50

What is the answer, please?

0:16:500:16:52

The answer is A.

0:16:520:16:53

If you insulted the Emperor, you were thrown off a cliff.

0:16:530:16:57

Just for the record, though, I think the Emperor is the greatest.

0:16:570:17:00

Yay, Emperor!

0:17:000:17:03

Yay indeed. Well done, Zainab.

0:17:030:17:05

That is a point for you. Excellent.

0:17:050:17:07

Paris, which one of those would you like?

0:17:070:17:09

Um... Instruments, please.

0:17:090:17:11

Instruments. Now, that is a prop question.

0:17:110:17:16

Prop question! Prop question! Prop question! Prop question!

0:17:160:17:19

Here we go, then. There is your prop. That is a conch shell.

0:17:190:17:23

Incan festivals featured musical parades with men playing drums,

0:17:230:17:28

tambourines, flutes and conches.

0:17:280:17:31

HONK!

0:17:310:17:32

Whew, 'scuse you!

0:17:330:17:35

What was the Inca conch called?

0:17:350:17:37

Was it...?

0:17:370:17:38

RATTUS LAUGHS

0:17:430:17:46

Show me your answers, please.

0:17:460:17:48

Ah, BBC. I love it when that happens.

0:17:480:17:50

I can tell you that the answer

0:17:500:17:53

is C. Pututu.

0:17:530:17:55

HONK!

0:17:560:17:58

All right, all right! This isn't an audition for Inca's Got Talent!

0:17:580:18:02

But if it was, I'd have got on.

0:18:020:18:04

Excellent. Well done, Zainab.

0:18:040:18:05

That's another point for you. You are steaming along.

0:18:050:18:08

Keaton, let's choose a topic.

0:18:080:18:10

Can I have Myths, please?

0:18:100:18:12

The third Inca lord, Lloque Yupanqui, was known as

0:18:140:18:17

the Unforgettable Left-Handed One.

0:18:170:18:19

Left-handed because he was... left-handed, and unforgettable

0:18:190:18:23

because he was so what?

0:18:230:18:25

Show me now, please.

0:18:300:18:32

Paris thinks it's B. Keaton and Zainab agreeing with C.

0:18:320:18:36

What's the answer?

0:18:360:18:37

The answer is C. He was unforgettably ugly.

0:18:370:18:40

We're talking llama bottom ugly.

0:18:400:18:43

Hey, Dave, do you mind if I call you the Unforgettable Right-Handed One?

0:18:430:18:47

Yes, I do.

0:18:470:18:49

Well, that's a point each there for Keaton and Zainab,

0:18:490:18:51

and that means with one question to go in this round,

0:18:510:18:54

Zainab has already won herself a Year Sphere.

0:18:540:18:57

Help yourself.

0:18:570:18:58

OK, Zainab is the winner of that Inca quiz.

0:19:030:19:06

You're through to play the Inca Game.

0:19:060:19:08

Is it just going to be Zainab

0:19:080:19:09

or is everyone going to join in? Let's find out.

0:19:090:19:11

It's a Single Player game,

0:19:140:19:16

so Zainab, down the Time Sewer on your own, please.

0:19:160:19:19

It stinks!

0:19:220:19:23

The clean way to prepare an Inca mummy is to leave it to dry out

0:19:250:19:29

up a mountain, but we're going the messy route.

0:19:290:19:32

It's time to play...

0:19:320:19:33

It's your basic royal mummification.

0:19:350:19:37

Guts out, herbs in, eyes out, shells in.

0:19:370:19:40

Add the rope, wig and headpiece. Lovely.

0:19:400:19:43

Well, not that lovely.

0:19:430:19:44

If you do it within the time limit,

0:19:440:19:46

there's a Year Sphere for your trouble. Ready?

0:19:460:19:48

Go!

0:19:510:19:53

Right, here goes Zainab, and she's ignored the instructions,

0:19:530:19:56

she's gone straight for the mummy.

0:19:560:19:57

Oh, look at those lovely guts.

0:19:570:19:59

Oh, lovely's one word for it. In they go.

0:19:590:20:02

Oh, there's more to come. Oh, crikey.

0:20:020:20:04

Well, that's the guts out now, thankfully.

0:20:040:20:06

Time for the herbs, Zainab.

0:20:060:20:07

Zainab, the herb...

0:20:090:20:10

Oh, my goodness, she's skipped that step,

0:20:100:20:12

she's gone straight for the eyeballs. And she's got 'em.

0:20:120:20:15

Fast walk there. I like that, Rattus, very nice.

0:20:150:20:17

Oh, that's a lovely shimmy.

0:20:170:20:18

It was indeed. She squeezes the shells into place.

0:20:180:20:21

Now where's she going to go?

0:20:210:20:23

Oh, she's skipping ahead again.

0:20:230:20:24

Look, that's the wig and the headdress.

0:20:240:20:27

Most male mummies had short black wigs, Rattus.

0:20:270:20:29

So as well as being dried-out corpses,

0:20:290:20:31

they also looked ridiculous.

0:20:310:20:33

She can't seem to get the wig on at that angle.

0:20:330:20:36

30 seconds to play!

0:20:360:20:37

Does she have enough time here?

0:20:370:20:39

That's it, Zainab, put your back into it.

0:20:390:20:42

Oh, crikey, it looks like

0:20:420:20:44

Zainab's just broken his leg.

0:20:440:20:46

Luckily he's already in bandages, eh, Rattus?

0:20:460:20:48

Oh, Rattus, I cannot watch this.

0:20:480:20:51

It's been a very plucky effort, this, from Zainab,

0:20:510:20:54

but I feel the sands of time

0:20:540:20:56

are slipping away too quickly, Rattus.

0:20:560:20:59

Yeah, the rope's not going to save it now.

0:20:590:21:01

I think we can count this one down.

0:21:010:21:03

Three, two, one...

0:21:030:21:05

HORN BLOWS

0:21:050:21:07

well, it was a good effort, Zainab. Could this be a possible new career?

0:21:070:21:11

I never want to mummify a real person. It's too hard.

0:21:110:21:14

Judging by this footage, that's probably for the best. Ouch.

0:21:140:21:18

Oh, bad luck, Zainab.

0:21:180:21:20

Unfortunately, no Year Sphere for you this time,

0:21:200:21:23

but there's still time to win one more. Don't you worry about that.

0:21:230:21:26

Oh, hello! Looks like you've got another job applicant, Rattus.

0:21:260:21:29

Oh, yes, I like the look of him.

0:21:290:21:32

Like a proper chauffeur, got the right hat and everything.

0:21:320:21:35

The job's as good as his.

0:21:350:21:37

So, tell me, what experience have you got?

0:21:370:21:41

I'm the captain of the Titanic.

0:21:410:21:42

Oh, dear. And you thought the last bloke was a bit too shipwrecky.

0:21:440:21:47

Er... Thank you, but I do have a lot of other applicants.

0:21:470:21:51

I bet you wish you hadn't fired me now.

0:21:510:21:53

It's going to be a long walk home for you.

0:21:530:21:55

Go on, skipper, off you go.

0:21:550:21:56

Time now for the final round,

0:22:000:22:01

so it's over to the Gory Grid to find out what we've got.

0:22:010:22:04

It's the Awesome USA!

0:22:070:22:08

No quiz this time - it's straight to our All Play end game,

0:22:100:22:15

and that means it's down the Time Sewer with all of you.

0:22:150:22:18

Did you know that thanks to astronauts,

0:22:230:22:25

the moon is littered with poo? It's true.

0:22:250:22:29

The astronauts dumped it to make their spacecraft lighter.

0:22:290:22:32

It's time to play...

0:22:320:22:33

You are an Apollo 15 astronaut

0:22:360:22:39

and have to dump your bags of poo, vomit and wee in moon craters,

0:22:390:22:43

then collect three precious moon rocks, then leg it back to base

0:22:430:22:47

and raise your flag.

0:22:470:22:48

Be the first and win the Year Sphere.

0:22:480:22:51

This is going to take far too long. Blast off!

0:22:540:22:57

HORN BLOWS

0:22:570:22:58

Here we go, then, and, remember, this first lap,

0:22:580:23:00

they each need to be looking for their coloured crater

0:23:000:23:03

-to drop off the first bag of poo, Rattus.

-That's absolutely right.

0:23:030:23:07

They're all fully loaded at the moment,

0:23:070:23:09

carrying around that effluent,

0:23:090:23:12

and there goes the first one.

0:23:120:23:14

Yeah, Keaton is the first to drop off his plops.

0:23:140:23:16

He's top of the plops all right.

0:23:160:23:18

Paris tossing a stinker.

0:23:180:23:20

Zainab's looking a bit confused. I'm sure that won't last, though.

0:23:200:23:24

I'm sure that won't last.

0:23:240:23:25

There goes a second one.

0:23:250:23:27

It's an excellent start, this, from Keaton. He's forged ahead.

0:23:270:23:31

Paris matching him plop for plop.

0:23:320:23:34

Zainab still yet to drop off anything.

0:23:360:23:38

Both the others have released two number twos.

0:23:380:23:40

I stand corrected, Keaton's done three,

0:23:400:23:42

and Zainab's off the mark,

0:23:420:23:44

-and there's a collision, Rattus!

-Oh!

0:23:440:23:46

-Oh, that looked nasty.

-Bumper-to-bumper.

0:23:460:23:48

Yeah, luckily the friendly astronaut is on hand to sort it all out.

0:23:480:23:52

Keaton now grabs his first rock,

0:23:520:23:54

and there it is, placed in its receptacle.

0:23:540:23:57

Oh!

0:23:570:23:59

Oh, but Paris has missed hers.

0:23:590:24:01

Paris has missed the crater with that poo

0:24:010:24:03

and she's going to have to wait for help.

0:24:030:24:05

Keaton's got two rocks on board.

0:24:060:24:08

The friendly astronaut helps Paris deliver the poo.

0:24:080:24:11

Zainab's getting in on the act.

0:24:110:24:14

But, frankly, it's all about Keaton here.

0:24:140:24:16

He just needs one more rock

0:24:160:24:18

and then it's just a flag and he's got that final rock, Rattus.

0:24:180:24:22

Oh, Dave, they say there's no atmosphere on the moon,

0:24:220:24:25

but this is electric.

0:24:250:24:26

It certainly is, and... Oh, no!

0:24:260:24:28

Keaton has got himself snarled up by a crater there

0:24:290:24:32

and Paris is round him.

0:24:320:24:34

Now Paris needs to get a complete circuit under her belt here,

0:24:340:24:37

grab that final rock and then she can maybe hunt Keaton down,

0:24:370:24:41

because Keaton is finding this last circuit very, very tricky indeed,

0:24:410:24:45

and there's another shunt.

0:24:450:24:47

Well, the insurance claims after this are going to be extraordinary

0:24:470:24:50

to behold. Keaton is there, though, he's out of the vehicle.

0:24:500:24:54

He's got the flag.

0:24:540:24:55

And he's planted it.

0:24:550:24:57

-Yes!

-No!

0:24:570:24:59

-Yes!

-Urgh!

0:24:590:25:00

Well done, everybody. Superb work.

0:25:010:25:04

Top driving, Keaton.

0:25:040:25:05

Help yourself to another Year Sphere. Wow.

0:25:050:25:09

And, Keaton, you were so brilliant in your Space Race buggy

0:25:090:25:13

that I've got something else for you.

0:25:130:25:16

Yes, it's a chauffeur's hat. You're my new driver.

0:25:170:25:21

Unlucky, Keaton. Talk about a booby prize.

0:25:210:25:24

You'll find him very rude and very stinky.

0:25:240:25:26

Awful business. Awful!

0:25:260:25:29

OK, time to count up those Year Spheres now,

0:25:290:25:32

and, remember, AD dates are added and BC dates are subtracted.

0:25:320:25:38

Paris, we start with you.

0:25:380:25:40

You have nought.

0:25:400:25:42

Now, that may not be a bad thing.

0:25:420:25:44

That could be a very good thing,

0:25:440:25:46

depending on what's going on on the other two podiums.

0:25:460:25:49

Keaton, let's have a look at your first Year Sphere, please.

0:25:490:25:51

1969 AD!

0:25:530:25:55

Neil Armstrong is the first man to walk on the moon that year.

0:25:550:25:59

Let's have a look at number two.

0:25:590:26:00

1867 AD!

0:26:020:26:04

The USA purchase Alaska from Russia that year.

0:26:040:26:07

Let's have a look at number three.

0:26:070:26:09

Oh, it's still AD - 1921 this time.

0:26:090:26:12

Albert Einstein wins the Nobel Prize that year.

0:26:120:26:15

This is the crucial one. Let's have a look at it.

0:26:150:26:17

Oh, it's another AD!

0:26:170:26:20

1849.

0:26:200:26:22

The safety pin was invented by Walter Hunt that year.

0:26:220:26:26

Well, that is a terrific, terrific score, Keaton.

0:26:260:26:29

I'm not sure it can be beaten,

0:26:290:26:31

but let's have a look at Zainab's spheres anyway.

0:26:310:26:33

14 AD.

0:26:350:26:36

Well, it's a start, but it's a small start.

0:26:360:26:38

That was the death of Emperor Caesar Augustus.

0:26:380:26:41

Let's have a look at your second one there, Zainab.

0:26:410:26:43

Oh!

0:26:430:26:45

38,000 BC! Crikey!

0:26:450:26:50

The earliest cave paintings are from around about that time.

0:26:500:26:54

Well, that is a comprehensive result,

0:26:540:26:57

and I can announce that Keaton

0:26:570:27:00

is today's winner with 7,606 points.

0:27:000:27:05

Superb work, and you have won

0:27:050:27:06

an absolutely unbelievable prize, Keaton.

0:27:060:27:09

Totally unbelievable, actually,

0:27:090:27:11

because it's something Rattus has dredged up from the Time Sewer.

0:27:110:27:14

Yes, it's a Stewart sword salve.

0:27:140:27:18

-A what what?

-A cure for sword injury.

0:27:180:27:22

It looks more like a jar of brains and worms.

0:27:220:27:24

Correct. Pigs' brains and earthworms. A Stewart sword salve.

0:27:240:27:29

Or a Rattus lunch. Ha-ha!

0:27:290:27:32

Well, there you go. I'm very sorry.

0:27:320:27:34

And not only that, but I'm afraid

0:27:360:27:37

-you've got to drive Rattus home as well.

-Wahey!

0:27:370:27:40

So, Paris, Zainab, I'm afraid it's time for you to go home,

0:27:420:27:46

down through the Time Sewer. Oh, no.

0:27:460:27:49

Hey, Keaton! Have you got fleas?

0:27:490:27:51

-No.

-You have now.

0:27:510:27:52

Come on, let's go!

0:27:520:27:54

SHE GASPS

0:27:570:27:59

Oh, yuck!

0:27:590:28:00

I've been Dave Lamb, he's been Rattus Rattus, as ever.

0:28:040:28:07

And you've been watching Gory Games. Goodbye.

0:28:070:28:09

# Games! #

0:28:090:28:10

Rattus is on the hunt for a new chauffeur, and Paris, Keaton and Zainab battle it out to win Year Spheres in games, including I Want My Mummy and Space Race! Warning: this show contains gore, guts and gags.


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