Episode 10 HH: Gory Games

Rattus? Rattus?

You are unbelievable!

I mean, what more do I have to do?

Oh, I'm sorry, Dave. I can't help myself.

You're so selfish!

Just get such powerful cravings!

You don't know what it's like to be a rat.

And you don't know what it's like to be a human.

You should try putting yourself in my shoes, for once.

Oh. I already have.

HE SNIFFS Oh!

Rattus! Eugh!

# If mummies, rats and fleas ain't your thing

# And you don't like the sound of an exploding king

# If you're easily scared and don't laugh at poo

# Better turn off This show ain't for you

# Still watching? Then let's test your brains

# With Horrible Histories Gory Games

# Horrible Histories Gory...

# ..Games! #

Hello and welcome to Gory Games.

Yes, the only game show on television

that's presented by a human and a rodent.

And there's a very good reason for that.

Yeah, adult humans are notoriously difficult to work with.

Not quite what I meant. Let's meet today's Horrible Historians.

Hi, my name is Leon and I'm from Bridlington.

Hello, I'm Ellen and I'm from County Down.

Hi, I'm Katherine and I'm from Hampshire.

Welcome, everybody. Right, you lot are playing to win Year Spheres.

The person with the highest year score at the end of the show

will win a putrid prize, as selected by our resident rodent.

Dave wouldn't know true quality if it splatted him in the face.

I might, you know! Time to crack on with Round One.

Let's find out what it's about by going over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Awful Egyptians.

And your four Egyptian topics are...

So, Leon, it's your turn to pick first this time. What will you have?

-Please can I have Cures?

-You certainly can.

What was the cure for sore throats in ancient Egypt?

Show me your answers, please.

Look at that, the girls agreeing on C.

Leon thinks it's A. What's the answer, please?

The answer is C.

Hot donkey wee was a cure for sore throats.

-SHE GULPS

-Eugh! Eugh! Ah!

Now, all I need is a cure for bad breath. Blargh!

Well, that's a point apiece for Ellen and Katherine. Good start.

-Ellen, your turn to pick.

-Could I have Cleopatra, please?

You certainly can.

When out sea fishing, Roman general Mark Antony

tried to impress Cleopatra.

He sneakily paid some fishermen to do what?

A - hold a shark for him to spear,

B - dress up as mermen,

C - put fish on his hooks?

Show me your answers now, please.

Again, the girls in agreement, Leon thinks it's C. Let's find out.

The answer is C.

Mark Antony paid the fishermen

to dive underwater and put fish that had already been caught

onto his hooks.

So, Leon, a point for you, everyone level pegging.

Katherine, it's your turn to pick.

-Can I have Demons, please?

-You certainly can.

-Unfortunately, that is a question from Rattus Rattus.

-Hmm? Oh!

What did ancient Egyptians use to lure demons out of the body?

HE CHUCKLES

HE CHUCKLES

Show me now!

OK, it's spelt out "bab," which I find quite amusing.

-Let's find out what the answer is. Rattus?

-The answer is...

HE LAUGHS

They put poo up your bottom to lure the demons out of your body.

-HE LAUGHS

-Yeah, it's true, Dave.

They thought the little demons were attracted to poop.

And I know one little demon who certainly is.

Well done, Ellen. That is a point for you.

There is one category left in this round, and it is Apis Bull.

We ancient Egyptians had a sacred bull called the Apis bull,

who we believed could tell the future.

What would we do when the bull reached its 28th birthday?

Show me your answers, please.

Leon thinks it's C, Ellen and Katherine think it's B.

What's the answer?

The answer is C.

We drowned the bull.

Bet it didn't see that coming.

Well, no, indeed. Congratulations, Leon.

That is an extra point for you, and at the end of the round,

we can see that we have a tie-breaker situation!

OK, Katherine. Just for now, you are history.

Leon and Ellen, as soon as you think you know the answer,

you can buzz in.

Beginning with the letter H, what sticky substance

did the Egyptians cover their slaves in to attract flies?

-Leon?

-Honey.

Honey is right, Leon. Congratulations!

You have won the quiz.

So, it's time for you to choose your Year Sphere,

which means it's also time for me to say...

ECHOING: All hail the Potty Pyramid!

-Help yourself, Leon!

-Yes, choose well, Gory Gamer.

Indeed, because AD dates will be added to your total,

but BC dates, of course, will be subtracted from it.

There it is!

Oh, one of the quickest dabs I've ever seen!

It was a lightning dab. Do it again, Leon.

Oh, that was fast!

What a dab that was.

The first Year Sphere is on the podium,

we'll find out what's in there later.

Now, winning the Egyptian quiz means that Leon is automatically

through to play the Egyptian game, but will he be alone

or will the others get to play, too? Let's find out, shall we?

Oh, it's a Single Player. Leon, are you ready to play?

-Maybe.

-Maybe? I'm going to take that as a yes.

Get down that Time Sewer, please.

-Oh, Rattus, couldn't you have waited?

-I don't know what he means!

Back in Egyptian times, the famous tomb of Tutankhamen

was never looted. But good news, you can do it now!

It's time to play...

Your challenge is simple - break through the wall of the tomb

and find the loot. You've got four items to find.

If you can place each item on the right plinth

within the time limit, well, you've won yourself a Year Sphere.

In three, two, one...

HORN BLOWS

So, Leon dives straight for a loose block there

and pushes it aside as if it were made of foam.

-Which it definitely isn't.

-It definitely isn't.

Four items of treasure to find, then.

He searches the mummy, now he's into the guts.

And he's got one! That looks like the bracelet, Rattus.

-Certainly does.

-He can only get one at a time,

so he's back through the wall.

He pops the bracelet on the plinth.

Back into the treasure room now.

I'd like to be buried in a tomb full of treasure.

-You're talking about a cesspit, aren't you?

-I am indeed.

We're witnessing some first-class rummaging here, Rattus.

It's very impressive, Dave. Well, for a human.

That's rude, Rattus.

Humans rummage very nicely, thank you very much.

Oh! Treasure number two there, that's the leopard head.

It's a tight squeeze, with the leopard head in his hands.

He's thrown it on the floor! That's put a dent in it.

Two more left to find now.

Tomb builders often made collapsing stairways

to protect the tomb from robbers.

Well, either that or they were just rubbish builders.

Well, I suppose it could have been that, yes.

Nothing in that chest, by the look of it.

He's up against the clock, remember.

There's the third item!

He's got three,

and now he's walking on his hands like some sort of gymnast!

Come on, Leon. One more to go.

You know, Rattus, sometimes it was the people

who built the tombs that looted them.

That is despicable, disgraceful and...

-Well, actually, that's quite clever.

-It is quite clever.

He still hasn't checked that huge pile of pants on the floor.

King Tut was actually buried with

145 pairs of pants.

That's the real treasure right there.

Well, he's gravitating towards the undergarments

and he's got the final gong!

It's the mask. That's going to need a wash.

He's put it on the plinth, Year Sphere bagged.

I thought it went really well, especially at the last minute.

The hardest thing to find was this guy here.

Obviously not hard enough!

Hey, congratulations, Leon. You are indeed an excellent thief.

Help yourself.

Hey!

-Rattus, where have you been?

-I've been looting treasure.

I've swiped a pair of Tutankhamen's pants.

Is that really your idea of treasure? Old pants?

I will never understand you rats.

Well, I'll never begin to understand you humans.

-Give them here.

-No! No!

BOOM!

Rattus, I... I'm feeling kind of weird.

Yeah, Dave. Me, too!

-BOTH:

-Whaa!

We've swapped bodies!

I'm all dirty and hairy!

And I'm all clean and...not hairy.

It's like we've been the victims of some highly factually inaccurate

ancient Egyptian curse.

Oh, make it better, Rattus, make it better!

Pull yourself together, Dave. We've got a show to make.

Oh... Onto Round Two!

And to find out what's up next, it's over to the Gory Grid.

It's the Terrible Tudors.

And here are your all-important Tudor topics...

So, Ellen, it's your turn to pick first.

Could I have Executioners, please?

True or false? Tudor executioners were often paid a tip by the victim.

Let me see your answers, please.

What's the answer?

It's...true.

Yes, the person who was about to have his head chopped off

would often give their executioner coin,

in the hope that they would do a speedy and clean job.

-Heads or tails? Heads, you lose!

-HE LAUGHS

Yeah, if you could just do the scores for us?

So, that's a point to Leon and Ellen.

Oh, my arms are massive!

-I didn't like that.

-So, Katherine, it's your turn next.

-Can I have Elizabeth I?

-Of course you can.

True or false?

At her coronation, Queen Elizabeth I had a rat burned

to symbolise the releasing of demons.

Please be false, please be false!

Let me see those answers, please.

Oh, and we've all gone for false. What's the answer?

It's...false.

To symbolise the releasing of demons at her coronation,

Elizabeth had a cat burnt.

I love a story with a happy ending.

Rattus! Please.

Sorry, more points.

Whoa! Enormous arm.

Still not used to it.

So, Leon, your turn to pick a question.

Please can I have Football?

Football!

True or false?

In Tudor times, playing football killed more people

than practising sword fighting.

Let me see your answers, please.

You've all gone for true again.

What's the answer?

It's...true!

Whole villages would play each other and the goals would be a mile apart.

Only one rule - no weapons.

At kick-off, it all kicked off! Rargh!

Imagine that - footballers properly hurt, rather than just pretending.

Wow, Dave, first time something properly funny

has ever come out of your mouth.

Oh, hardy-ha! HE LAUGHS

-I'm getting used to these arms now.

-HE CHUCKLES

Don't get too used to them.

So, one last question and it's from...me!

Rattus Rattus, me.

True or false?

Young frogs covered in butter were swallowed

to cure asthma in Tudor times.

Let me see your answers, please.

And you've all gone for true again.

What's the answer?

It is true.

I think that is what you call having a frog in your throat.

-Hey, hey, hey!

-What?

No buttered frog-eating while you've got my body!

That's a point to every... I can do this, can't I? I keep forgetting.

Yes, point, point, point. Finished.

So, that's four points for Leon and Ellen, a tie-breaker situation.

Right, Katherine, you sit this one out for the moment.

Extend arms, pick up question, adopt position.

Beginning with the letter A,

what was the name of Henry VIII's second wife?

Anne.

Anne is correct. She got it right!

Excellent, so, Ellen, you've won. Go and choose your Year Sphere.

I can clap her!

OK, Ellen, you're through to play the Tudor game.

But will it be just you or will the others get to play, too?

Let's find out.

Rattus, if you don't mind?

Here come the creepy long arms again. Whoa!

It's an All Play game.

-Down the Time Sewer with you.

-I'll get it!

My legs work as well!

Oh, it smells in here!

Shutting, shutting, weeing, weeing, walking, walking, weeing, shutting.

Want to work for Henry VIII?

Well, one way was to start at the bottom

and work your way up, literally.

It's time to play...

You are the groom of the stool.

-When Henry calls...

-I've finished!

..you must check His Majesty's poop.

In the meantime, you have to brick Henry into his bedroom at night,

to keep him safe from assassins.

First to brick up the door wins a Year Sphere.

HORN BLARES To the bricks they go.

Now, for those of you watching for the first time,

this innocent puzzle game will get really, really disgusting,

just like the filthy whiskers around my face.

-Don't you ever wash, Rattus?

-Yes! Every morning, in the sewer.

Not in my body, you don't!

I've finished!

-Right, here comes the horrible bit, then.

-You mean the good bit?

No, off they go to remove the King's horrible... Oh! Oh!

I think it's safe to say this is the only show on the planet

where you'll see children collecting a king's poo!

Right, back to the walls.

Everyone is making progress.

The patterns don't look quite right but that doesn't matter,

as long as all the pieces fit at the end, Rattus.

-That's right, Dave.

-Yes, it is right.

And talking of the end, we may be getting close,

because Leon is performing heroics.

What a brickie!

What an extraordinary brickie!

Henry VIII will be absolutely delighted with that.

He can sleep safe as houses.

A pair of lightning dabs from Leon.

Let's hear what he thought.

It feels really odd,

because I didn't expect myself to be cleaning up someone else's....waste.

Well, congratulations, Leon. Go and collect your Year Sphere.

Well done, Le... Ooh, I've had an idea. I'm off down the Time Sewer.

Run, run, run! Whee!

Will you stop hurling my body about?

-I'm back!

-Wow, that was quick.

Yeah, well, that's Time Sewers for you.

Whoa! Ooh!

What have I just said?

Oh, goodness' sake! Oh, I'll close that.

I've got hold of the Egyptian Book Of The Dead.

From the tomb of Tutankhamen?

No, from the studio of a Hollywood film producer.

Eugh! Silly, very silly.

Page 94, Tutankhamen's Curse Of The Underpants.

All you have to do is wish you were back in your own body.

Oh, this is like the worst movie plot ever.

One, two, three...

-BOTH:

-I wish I was back in my own body.

Oh, that is so much better!

Ah, yes, ha-ha!

Oh, I'm clean.

Right, Round Three

and it's over to the Gory Grid to find out what's up next.

It's the Vile Victorians. Good day.

Four questions, as always, and here are your four Victorian topics.

So, Katherine, it's finally your turn to pick first.

-Can I have Police, please?

-Yes, you can.

What did Victorian criminals call police officers?

Show me now, please.

Oh, complete disagreement! What's the answer?

The answer is C.

Victorian criminals called police officers bogies.

Hey, I'll tell you what I like to call a police officer.

-Cover your ears, viewers.

-Officer.

-Always treat them with respect, Dave.

-Hmm!

I think a little bit of human might have rubbed off on you, Rattus.

-Eugh!

-So, that's a point to you there, Ellen.

Leon, your turn to pick.

-Please can I have Fogs?

-Of course you can.

Victorian London was famous for its thick fogs

caused by fog from the Thames and smoke from coal fires.

But what were they called?

Show me now, please.

Everyone agrees on that one. Everybody thinks it's B.

What's the answer, please?

The answer is...A.

We called the folks pea soupers,

because they were as thick and greenish as a bowl of pea soup.

No points there, I'm afraid.

But Ellen, you get to choose the next topic.

-Could I have Cures, please?

-Yes, you can!

A Victorian cure for blisters was to put what in your boots?

Let's have a look at those answers.

Katherine and Leon agreeing this time with B.

Ellen thinks it's C. What's the answer, please?

The answer is C.

Raw eggs.

To cure blisters, you broke a raw egg into each boot.

Hmm! Cheesy eggs. What's not to like?

Yeah, it does sound quite nice, actually!

-Oh, Rattus, what have you done to me?

-Hey, once a rat, always a rat.

Let's just hope not.

So, that's another point to you, Ellen.

And that means that you have won the next Year Sphere. Congratulations.

-Help yourself.

-Fingers crossed it's not a BC baddie!

OK, Ellen, as the winner of the Victorian quiz,

you're through to play the Victorian game.

But will you be playing alone or will the others join in with you

and provide competition? There's only one way to find out.

Oh, it's a Single Player game!

-Ellen, do you think you can pull this off?

-Maybe!

Ellen, Time Sewer, Time Sewer, Ellen. Bye!

Good news - during the Industrial Revolution,

-some kids didn't have to go to school.

-Hey!

Bad news - it's because they were working in very dangerous factories

where there was always a high risk of injury.

-Oh!

-It's time to play...

Somewhere in the lethal machinery are four severed fingers.

All you have to do is reunite them with their long-lost hand.

If you manage it within the time limit,

there's a Year Sphere coming your way.

HORN BLARES

And through the roller goes Ellen, dodging into the loom now.

And she's going straight for the furthest finger, I think.

It's an interesting strategy, this. Let's hope it pays off.

I once snuck into a modern factory where there were fingers everywhere.

-No!

-It was a fish finger factory.

-Of course it was.

There's a lot of spinning going on here.

But the finger remains trapped.

Look at that!

-Turn it, girl! Turn it faster!

-Oh, gosh, here's the factory owner.

What a testable man he is!

But to be fair, she is going much faster.

Turn it! You've got to get all the fingers.

Oh, leave her alone, you bully! That's it, get lost.

Yeah, well done, you saw him off there, Rattus.

And she's got the finger! And it's free.

Chain next. She needs to make up for lost time here.

Victorian factories were dirty and grimy. Ooh, nice!

-What do I mean, nice!?

-Truly, Dave, you have found your inner rat.

Eugh! Only a few more pulls and she's got finger number two.

Hurry up, Ellen, you can do this.

And she has!

Back through the loom she goes.

Now, then, she's going to place these, is she? Yes!

Two fingers back on the hand, two to go.

Where's she going next, Rattus? We just don't know with Ellen.

She's a maverick.

Well, she's settled on the rods. she has to unscrew these

and then pull them out, like that.

Well, no, not like that!

That has got jammed.

Well, it's all very well taking the ones out below,

but she's got to unsnag that finger, Rattus.

Go on, give it a good jiggling, Ellen!

She's jiggling it like crazy!

And it starts to fall, piecemeal,

down to the bottom of the cabinet,

and she can grab it now.

One more to find.

She's got less than 10 seconds.

The final finger is in those bags somewhere.

Can she find it in time?

I don't think she can!

HORN BLARES No!

She has got it but after the time's ran out.

How do you feel, Ellen?

I spent a long time on the one

where you had to turn it around and around.

So, I think that slowed me down for the rest of it.

Oh, bad luck, Ellen. Bad luck!

No Year Sphere this time, but there is still one more to play for.

Hey, what... What's that weird smell?

-It's soap.

-You didn't...

-You didn't wash me?

-I sure did!

Argh!

-How could you?

-Oh, it's just a bit of fun, Rattus. Come on!

One more game, one more Year Sphere available,

so let's go over to the Gory Grid to find out what we're playing.

It's the Incredible Inca.

So, no quiz in our final round. We're ending on a massive Inca game.

-It's very exciting. How are you feeling about that?

-Cool.

-Good.

Well, what are you waiting for? Pop down that Time Sewer.

Well done, Katherine.

Whee!

If you were an Inca emperor and you wanted to spit,

then someone had to catch it.

So, let's play...

Your job is to catch the mucus in your hanky before it hits the ground

and then pop it in your basket at the end of your lane.

As if that wasn't enough phlegm, watch out for the spitting llamas.

The person with the greatest amount of gob is the winner

and gets themselves a Year Sphere.

HORN BLARES Hankies up and the phlegm is flying.

Oh, that was unlucky for Katherine there.

That was very lucky, though!

Now, hang on. Oh!

Ellen's picked one up off the floor, that's against the rules.

That is not going to count.

Katherine's on board with one. Now, Leon's broken the rules, Rattus!

-Aw!

-What is happening here?

-Yeah, what is happening?

The Incan emperor spit was not allowed to touch the ground.

That's sort of the point of the game.

I know, I know, Rattus.

Oh, what's going to happen now?

Ellen, off the floor again. That is not going to count.

Dear, oh, dear!

Katherine, on the other hand, is playing entirely by the rules. Look.

And that is reflected on the score board there, 2-0-0.

And as I say that, Leon notches a legitimate score

but Katherine counters immediately.

-Although Leon's on a charge here, Rattus.

-He certainly is!

But Katherine is keeping her nose in front.

-Oh, and here's the llamas.

-There they are!

And they are going to start spitting on our contestants,

which frankly is not something we want to see you doing at home.

Here she comes, Katherine, ready to score...

Whoa!

Whoa, that must have all been llama spit, that. Oh!

That was absolute carnage.

A complete wipe-out there.

This means that Katherine,

even though she's only one point up,

may have a commanding lead.

Now she's two points up!

And I don't think Leon's going to be

standing up again!

He might as well pick them off the floor now,

he's never getting up the other end, look.

No! Dear, oh, dear.

It's just become a slip fest.

I mean, look at that.

He's not going anywhere fast there, Leon.

And down he goes! HE LAUGHS

Down he goes again.

-And oh, dear me!

-You shouldn't laugh.

Oh, they're all over the place here.

There's Katherine, she's won it.

Leon hasn't.

It got really tiring, and it was even more difficult

when the slime came down and there was llamas spitting in your face.

But apart from that, I really, really enjoyed the game.

Welcome back, welcome back. Well played, Katherine, well played.

Collect that Year Sphere.

That could be absolutely crucial in the final reckoning.

Now then, it's time to count up those Year Spheres.

And remember, AD dates are added to your total

and BC dates are, of course, subtracted from it.

OK, Leon, let's open up that first one, please.

Charles Darwin published On the Origin of Species

about the theory of evolution that year.

Let's have a look at the second one.

It's another good one, 1348 AD.

The Black Death hit England that very year.

Let's have a look at the final one.

Oh, it's AD, it's small but it is AD.

476 AD, the fall of the Western Roman Empire that year.

Now, I reckon that if you got brilliant ones, Ellen,

you might be able to catch that.

Let's have a look at that first sphere.

That's junked that theory.

-9500 BC.

-Yes!

-What?

I'm afraid that was the end of the last Ice Age.

And there's another one. Let's have a second look.

2400 BC. You've lost in enormously brilliant style!

That is tremendous losing.

The abacus was invented in Babylonia around about then.

Remarkable set of figures there. Katherine, let's have a look.

1547 AD!

Henry VIII died that year.

You've finished firmly in second place.

But today's winner is Leon, with a total of 3,683 points.

-What?

-That means that you are, of course, the winner.

But as Rattus found your prize in the Time Sewer,

you are also, in many ways, the loser.

Oh, I beg to differ, Dave!

-This prize is red hot.

-I'll be the judge of that.

Oh, wow, it is red hot.

Yeah, it's from Stuart witchfinder general Matthew Hopkins,

who said to stop a witch's power,

you had to take a red-hot poker and prod it in a poo.

There you go, Leon.

-Thanks.

-Two reasons never ever to touch it.

And our runners-up don't escape poop-free, of course.

They're off home via the Time Sewer.

And they're both absolutely cock-a-hoop about it,

for some reason.

Oh, yes!

Ah! That is good!

Well, I've been Dave Lamb.

And unfortunately, I've been Rattus Rattus,

and it's something I may never recover from.

-You've been watching Gory Games.

-Goodbye!

# Games! #