Episode 1 Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians

# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

# Cavemen, savage fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

You might think going to a Roman Emperor's dinner party would be fun.

Well, think again.

Four Romans. Four banquets.

400 courses!

Yes, it's Roman Come Dine With Me

and tonight it's teenage emperor Elagabalus's turn

to cook for his guests.

But the young emperor's reputation has some of his guests nervous

before they even arrive.

I'm a bit scared to be honest.

Apparently Elagabalus is a bit crazy.

A friend of mine was invited to one of his feasts

and he made them eat live parrots.

Imagine trying to swallow all those feathers!

It'd make you sick as a parrot.

So how is the potty prankster

planning to impress his guests tonight?

Well, tonight I thought I'd just do something really easy.

It's easy because I'm not making it, my slaves are.

HE LAUGHS

What are you cooking?

Well, I'm going to do camels feet with scooped out flamingo brain

and, er, some nice stuffed snails.

-Oh.

-Then we've got

the sows udders,

the jellyfish, I'm going to do

dormouse which is rolled in...

..Jackdaws, horsemeat sausages,

and rotten fish guts,

and cold peas! With little nuggets of gold.

That sounds like a really nice starter, what's the main?

Agrippina is the first to arrive and there's a shock in store.

SHE SCREAMS

-HE LAUGHS

-Don't tread in those.

-Those are the guts of some people I had sacrificed earlier.

-Urgh!

They're to tell the future.

And the guts say...

my pudding is going to be so scrummy you won't literally believe it.

Elagabalus goes to check on the food,

while the rest of his guests have a snoop round the palace.

I wonder what's in here.

No, no, no, please don't go in there.

Come on, it can't be that bad.

-ARGH!

-Lion!

-There's a lion in here!

-Argh!

HE CHUCKLES

I hid a lion in there. Ha-ha!

Random.

The guests who survived the lion join their host for dinner.

Tuck in.

CRUNCHING OF TEETH Argh!

That's rock hard.

That's because it is rock.

I gave you both bits of wax and stone

that are made to look like food

while I get the real food which is actually really nice.

Mmm.

How mad am I?

How mad am I?

Eat it.

CRUNCHING TEETH

HE CHUCKLES

Time for some scores.

Well, I slipped on human guts,

I was attacked by a lion and I was forced to eat rocks.

So I'm going to give him a two out of...

If you give me a bad score I'll have you executed, so...

..So I'm going to give him X out of X.

Sweet!

-And I got you a doggy bag because I'm so generous.

-Thank you.

It's an actual dead dog!

HE LAUGHS

I'm so random.

Stay in touch, yeah?

That's 100% accu-rat.

Elagabalus really was one extreme prankster.

I mean, hiding lions around the house,

what's wrong with good old itching powder and whoopee cushions?

SOMEONE BLOWS A RASPBERRY That wasn't me!

That was Marcus my pet flea.

He's like an all in one itching powder and whoopee cushion.

MARCUS BLOWS A RASPBERRY Oh, Marcus! I do apologise.

Walsingham? What happened to you?

The Queen threw a slipper at me...again!

What did you do this time?

I told her she had a short temper.

You idiot! You know that makes her angry.

I know. Have you finished her portrait yet?

Mmm...it's getting there, but I'm petrified.

What if she doesn't like it?

Better hope she's in a good mood.

-Is she ever?

-No.

Where's my portrait!

Urgh!

Oh, I can't look!

It's grotesque.

The hideous nose, rotten teeth and pock-marked skin.

Walsingham.

Have that man relieved of the burden of his head.

-Ma'am, you're looking into a mirror.

-Oh.

This is the portrait.

Ah!

Petite nose,

perfect teeth,

porcelain skin...

Why, however did you manage to capture my good looks?

Well, my lady,

I just did an exact copy of the only portrait you've ever liked.

As per your orders.

Splendid. Do me another.

And see if you can capture my regal beauty again.

I think it looks nothing like her.

I heard that! >

As well as art, Queen Elizabeth loved plays by Shakespeare,

especially one called Titus Andronicus...

The pie was made out of her two sons!

Yes, Shakespeare wrote some truly unforgettable things.

May we have our next contestant please?

Hello.

Your name please?

William Shakespeare.

Your occupation?

One that doth make words to dance upon the page

and thence into the ear of the throng.

I'm sorry, I don't quite...

I write plays.

Right, well why didn't you just say so?

And your chosen specialised subject.

Phrases what I made up.

William Shakespeare, you have two minutes on phrases what you made up

starting from...now.

To be or not to be, that is the question.

-I know it is.

-I'm sorry?

I know that's the question, you just asked me it.

No, the questions is did you make it up?

You just said the question was to be or not to be.

To be or not to be, that is the question,

IS the question.

Oh, yes I see, yes I did make that up.

Correct. Good riddance.

I've only just arrived.

No, did you invent the phrase, good riddance?

-Yes, I did.

-Correct

-Heart of gold.

-Oh, thank you, that's very flattering.

No...

Were you the first person to use the phrase, heart of gold?

-Yes, I was.

-Correct.

Dead as a door-nail.

Oh yes, that is one of mine. Henry VI, part 2, the sequel!

Correct. Wild goose chase.

Yes, that's mine. Are they still using that?

They are indeed. Correct.

Knock, knock, who's there?

No, that's wrong - you say "Knock, knock," then I say, "Who's there?"

No, did you invent it?

-What?

-Knock, knock.

-Who's there?

-NO!

NO...who?

Did you come up with the phrase, knock, knock, who's there?

-Yes, I did.

-Correct.

For goodness sake.

-That's one of mine too.

-Correct.

All the world's a...

END OF ROUND JINGLE

I've started so I'll finish...

-No, that's one of yours.

-Correct.

William Shakespeare,

at the end of that round you have scored eight points.

Sorry, is this what you do for entertainment nowadays?

Yes it is, yes.

-Think I preferred the theatre.

-Hmm...

"Think I preferred the theatre."

-Get out of the chair now.

-OK.

'And now on HHTV an advertising intermission from ancient Peru.'

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Here's the sciencey bit.

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a chemical that kills bacteria,

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leaving you with shinier, healthier looking hair.

Incan Shampee - it's what all the Incan ladies are using.

I love it.

Available in all full bladders.

Bucket not included.

So, welcome to Badminton House.

I thought we'd take tea here in the gallery.

Home to our fine collection of...

Home to our fine collection of art.

CRASH!

Home to what WAS our fine collection of art

and also sadly home to my husband, the Duke of Beaufort,

-a keen tennis player.

-Hello.

Darling, can you please not play tennis in the gallery.

Of course, dear.

What would you like me to play? Football?

CRASH!

-Darling!

-All right, rugby?

WINDOW SMASHES

-Darling!

-Touch of boxing?

-No!

There must be a sport you can play indoors without smashing things up.

-Well, there's always poona.

-Poona? Sounds even messier.

Oh, no, I've just come back from India and poona is a game they play.

Like tennis, but with a shuttlecock

and it's perfectly safe to play indoors, go on try.

Ah, poona it is then.

Anyone for poona?

Oh darling, do stop saying poona.

Can't we think of a less smelly name?

Yes, what can we call this game we play here in Badminton House?

I know, something that would link it ever more to Badminton House.

Badminton House?

I've got it.

We can call it house.

Or badminton.

Ha, ha what a ridiculous suggestion!

Who's ever heard of a game called badminton?

Honestly.

A-choo!

SMASH!

Oh, darling.

Excuse me.

Great eccentrics of the Victorian era, the second Baron Rothschild.

Yes, apparently the 8th Earl of Bridgwater used to have

dinner parties with his pet dogs.

The man was out of his mind, Mr Gibbons.

Oo-oo-oo-ah-ah-ah!

I'll take that as a yes. One shouldn't really judge,

I have some strange dinner guests myself.

Of course the vicar hasn't arrived yet.

-TOGETHER:

-Oo-oo-ah-ah!

Don't worry he won't stay long.

He doesn't like the snakes wrapped round the banisters.

Tsssss!

All right, let's start I'm starving.

Oo-oo-oo-oo! >

Yes, the soup is hot.

Mr Chimpington could you pass me a roll?

Mr Chimpington, that is not how we pass... Oh!

And I very much hope that was one of cook's brownies.

Really now, we're not animals.

-TOGETHER:

-Oo-ah! Ah! Ah!

That's all true.

The second Baron Rothschild had dinner parties with monkeys

and snakes and wrapped around his banisters.

He also had a carriage drawn by - wait for it - zebras.

He did, look it up in a history book, it's all there in black and white.

And black-and-white, and black-and-white...

Ha, ha, ha!

Some Victorians really were very eccentric.

# Stupid deaths

# Stupid deaths

# They're funny cos they're true Woo!

# Stupid deaths Stupid deaths

# Hope next time it's not you. #

Don't like them? Why not?

Next.

And you are?

Bobby Leach, famous Victorian daredevil and stuntman.

Oh, I love it when stuntmen come through.

They always have the most stupid deaths.

Go on, spill the beans.

I was fearless, there was nothing I wouldn't do.

So I decided to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel.

And you died! You idiot! Ha ha ha!

No, no, I survived.

I had a few injuries but I made a full recovery.

Uh. That's a shame.

So then swam the rapids at the Niagara whirlpool.

And then you died! I bet you did. You did, didn't you? I bet you did.

No, no, I had to get rescued.

So I tried it again.

-And then you drowned!

-No, I was rescued again.

-And I got rescued a third time.

-Business it's ridiculous.

So I toured the world displaying my barrel to the paying crowd.

I ended up in New Zealand. And that's where I died.

By swimming over a waterfall blindfolded?

No, I slipped on an orange peel, broke my leg and died of gangrene.

Ha, ha! By slipping on an orange peel!

You lemon! Ha ha, ha ha!

Oh, yes, that's three yeses. You're through to the afterlife.

Thank you very much.

Toodle pip!

Hey, mind how you go.

Ha! Sorry!

Ha ha ha. I'm on form, aren't I?

# Stupid deaths Stupid deaths

# Hope next time it's not you, Oo-hoo. #

Everyone knows Guy Fawkes tried to blow up Parliament on November 5th.

Did you know that he was one member of a bigger gang?

In fact there were 13 of them all together.

Come on, folks.

You couldn't have done this alone.

Who was in your gang?

I'll never tell you.

Oh, we'll see about that. Hee-hee-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

-What?

-What?

No, you don't laugh, I laugh.

It was the plot that seemed unthinkable.

Fawkes is the explosives expert.

We're going to blow up the royal family at the Opening of Parliament?

That's right.

Just for fun?

John Wright is the persuader.

Because we're Catholics and the King's hates Catholics.

-He thinks we're always plotting something.

-As if!

BOTH: Ha-ha, ha-ha!

It was the plot that sounded impossible.

Robert Gatesby is the brains.

So we roll 36 barrels of gunpowder down the Thames,

sneak it into this cellar, wait for Parliament to open -

I creep back in, light the fuse, run away and blow up the King?

-Without getting caught?

-Yes.

OK. Just checking I had that down right.

It was the plot that would surely go wrong.

So I persuaded 12 guys, that ought to do it, don't you think?

-Do you think we need one more?

-It couldn't hurt.

I'll get one more. Um...

-Excuse me? Would you like to be in a plot to blow up Parliament?

-Why not.

I'll just check my diary. When?

November 5th.

-Yeah, I'm free.

-Fabulous, that's 13 then.

Isn't 13 an unlucky number?

Don't worry I'm sure it'll be fine.

Francis Tresham is the idiot.

Hang on, my brother-in-law's due in Parliament on November 5th.

I'll send him a letter telling him to take the day off.

I'm sure he won't tell anyone.

It was the plot.

Three, two, one...

That went wrong.

-Oh.

-Horribly, horribly wrong.

Fawkes' 13.

What letter? What idiot sent a letter?

Failing to explode on 5th November, 1605.

You're going to be hung drawn and quartered.

-Gutted.

-You will be.

The answer is C.

The bodies were preserved in tar and sent to the West of England

as a warning to other would-be rebels.

Stuart punishments could be really gruesome.

Will?

Will Prinn.

What happened to you?

Sorry? King Charles I had my ears cut off for insulting the theatre.

-Pardon?

-What?

I can't hear you, I had my ears cut off

for writing a book that upset the government.

-I'm sorry, what?

-I'm sorry?

I said the king had my ears cut off

and when I was rude about some bishops he had my cheek branded.

-Ah, that looks nasty how did you get that?

-Pardon.

-Sorry?

-What?

Listen, I can't hear you.

I had my ears nailed to a piece of wood, then cut off and left there.

-Pardon?

-Pardon?

Come again?

For writing a book the government didn't like.

I'll show you, you can still see one over there.

Look, there's an ear nailed to a post.

-I wonder how it got there.

-I'm sorry?

-An ear.

-What?

Hold on, I've got an idea.

Can you hear me now?

It's no good talking to him he's as deaf as a post.

Sorry?

I made a joke.

Pardon?

I'm sorry.

What?

Come again?

Strange man.

Weirdo.

While the regular Army was away in Europe fighting Hitler

Britain had a Home Guard made up of all the men who had to stay at home

but still wanted to do their bit.

Although the whole thing was a bit makeshift.

So, General.

If we are to defend Britain against a German invasion, then every man

in the Home Guard must be armed.

But the regular Army need all our guns.

All the same, every man in the Home Guard

must be armed was some kind of weapon.

Even if it be an ancient one, like a pike.

Yes, sir. Very good, sir.

There we are, sir.

I've had 250,000 pikes made.

You've done what?

General, I said like a pike,

-I didn't literally mean a pike, pike was just an example.

-Oh.

Honestly, if I told you to go and jump off a cliff, would you?

He's gone to jump off a cliff.

Your chance to protect Britain by joining the Home Guard.

Choose from men who can't join the regular armed forces.

70-year-old man.

Baker needed at home to bake bread.

Man who's lost some toes.

Baker selected.

All the proper weapons have been taken by the regulars.

So you choose from what's left.

Cutlass, golf club, blunderbuss, a kitchen knife taped to a pole.

Blunderbuss selected.

Watch out for enemy troops trying to invade.

Ow! Oi, you nincompoop! I'm not the enemy, I'm British.

Watch out for spies.

Trust no one.

What on earth are you doing?

I am a real nun.

-And do be careful you don't shoot yourself with your old weapon.

-Ow.

Yes, the Home Guard never shot a German

because the Germans never invaded.

Operation Defend Britain - join the Home Guard.

Players should be 17 or over or lie about their age.

That's 100% acc-u-rat.

And despite the Germans never invaded Britain

lots of Home Guard volunteers were injured.

All the injuries you're about to see are genuine.

Taken from the Durham Home Guard accident book.

No, really.

Attention!

Durham Home Guard prepare for roll-call.

Volunteer Birtwistle.

-Preset, Sir.

-Excellent.

Volunteer Davidson.

No Davidson?

He's in hospital sir, he got shot in the arm.

-By the enemy?

-No, sir, by a volunteer.

-Right.

Volunteer Frazier.

-Injured, shot in the leg, sir.

-By a volunteer?

No, sir, by himself. His gun went off by mistake.

-Jenkins?

-Got knocked off a bike by a dog.

Simpson?

Injured in gym practice - tripped over a mat, smashed his face.

-Skellen?

-Fractured ankle, sir.

At the same gym practice?

No, a table collapsed in a lecture.

How's the Home Guard supposed to defend Britain

from an attack from if we're all injured. Extraordinary.

Sorry I'm late.

Volunteer Tomkins reporting for duty, sir.

Good heavens, what on earth have you done to yourself man?

I sliced the top of my finger off adjusting the helmet chin strap.

Right, well, it is a good job

that today I shall be giving you all a demonstration on first aid.

BOTH: Yes.

So, I need a volunteer... Birtwistle.

-Ya!

-Lie on the floor, good chap.

Oh! Ow!

-Good heavens, man, what have you done?

-Nothing to worry about.

It's just a massive splinter.

Right, hang on there I'll help you. Let's look... oh!

Oh no!

I think I've severed a tendon in my back. It's gone.

-Don't just stand there - phone an ambulance.

-Right away.

-I think it's through to the bone.

-Don't panic. Here we go.

Ow! Ooh! My finger.

-I definitely think I need some kind of doc.

-Lend us a hand sir.

Tomkins... Ah!

-Argh! Now my foot's stuck.

-Tomkins! My back's gone.

When we sailed to new lands

we Vikings had some pretty cunning ways of navigating.

Come on. We must be close to land.

What are you doing?

What? Nothing.

Are we lost?

Don't be silly.

You're supposed to be navigating.

The captain'll feed your arms to the sharks...

We're not lost, all right.

That's the sea and that's the sky and we're inbetween them.

On the sea and underneath the sky - exactly where I thought we'd be.

Look at me.

Are we lost?

Yes.

Right. Thought so.

Good thing I brought this then, isn't it?

What's in there?

A raven.

We're in the middle of the sea what use is a bird?

It's the latest Viking trick. This raven's hungry.

When I let it out of the box it'll soar up into the sky

and it'll fly towards land looking for food.

All we have to do is follow.

Sat Rav. Wow!

What a good idea. We'll find land in no time.

-Ready?

-Yeah.

Fly raven, fly.

I think it's a bit too hungry.

I probably should have fed it something.

It's true, Vikings really did sometimes use ravens to find land.

But at night they navigated by the stars.

Take a left to Britney Spears and a right after Angelina Jolie.

# Was the summer of 793

# When we sailed across The Great North Sea

# Comets crossed The skies that night

# Must've known Something wasn't right

# We arrived upon your English shore

# And you offered friendship But we wanted more

# Yeah, so much more

# We're tearing up This place tonight

# Literally

# We're going to set This sleepy town alight

# Literally

# We'll kill and steal and burn and drink

# Cos us Vikings don't care what you think

# Woah-woah-woah!

# Let me in now, won't you please?

# We're here to raid your monasteries

# We're primed and ready to attack

# And we love how monks just don't fight back

# You'll die or become a slave to me

# Though our slaves often get chucked in the sea

# If the boat's heavy, yeah-yeah!

# You're going to lose your head, my friend

# Literally

# We're going to get you in the end

# Literally

# And I would drink a toast from your skull

# Cos we are Vikings and that's how we roll, woah-woah-woah

# Baby, that's right!

# We're going to paint the whole town red

# Literally

# With the blood of the dead

# Literally

# We'll take everything that you own

# And get back on our ship and go back home

# Woah-woah-woah!

# We're going home

# Woah-woah-woah!

# We're going home

# We are going home

# We are going home. #

# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you the fearsome facts... #

Want to travel through the time sewers with me?

Then play Horrible Histories Terrible Treasures.

Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories.

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories! #