Episode 2 Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians

# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

# Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

Us pirates stole anything thought valuable.

Gold coins, jewellery, silk cloth, medicines, maps, sugar.

That's right, sugar!

But in 1713, one pirate stole something

even more unusual that that.

Ha, ha, ha!

Swab the deck! This time I've excelled myself, Fisher.

I mean, other pirates have got it all wrong.

Why risk life and limb attacking ships on the high seas...

..When you can just steal a herd of cows from a field on dry land?

COW MOOS

Captain Basil Hood, pirate extraordinaire!

Go and check on the cows, will you?

-Aye-aye, Captain.

-We'll sell these cows for huge profit.

This is, quite simply, my best plan ever.

The cows seem to be a bit seasick, sir.

Seasick?!

Yep, there's a lot of spewing going on down there.

I've got vomit on the walls, vomit on the ceiling...

-Got some vomit on me.

-HE GAGS

And the stench is...

Oh, no! HE VOMITS

-Well, go clean it up, man!

-Aye-aye, Captain!

OK, maybe this wasn't my best plan ever.

It's no good sir, there's just too much of it.

HE GAGS

It's like an erupting volcano of vomit down there.

I can't take this much...longer.

What are we going to do?

Over there, sir! On the horizon - the Navy!

If they see us, they'll arrest us!

BOTH: Over here! We're over here!

Pirate Basil Hood, I'm arresting you for being a pirate.

Do you surrender to the English Navy?

I do, I do, thank you very much.

Now, please can you take us on your nice, clean ship?

-COW MOOS

-What was that?

-Nothing!

Just ignore it. We'll board your ship now and surrender at once, come on.

Stop! I definitely heard something.

-That was Fisher's stomach, wasn't it, Fisher?

-Oh, er... Moo, er...

That smell! What's that terrible, awful smell?

-It's...

-MUFFLED MOOING

My word! There's cattle down here!

And they're puking and spewing and spewing and puking!

-HE GAGS

-Oh!

HE VOMITS

This ship is disgusting! We're leaving.

And you, Hood, you're free to go. Take your vomit ship with you.

No! No, please don't leave. Please!

Abandon ship!

Oh!

Next time, let's just stick to stealing treasure.

THEY VOMIT

Oh! All those puking cows are making me feel quite sick.

HE GAGS

But it doesn't matter how sick I feel.

I'm still not going to go and see a pirate doctor.

Ooh, you poor thing. That looks nasty.

I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.

I'll see if there's a doctor.

ARR! Morning, nurse!

Morning. And you are?

One-eyed Ned, pirate extraordinaire. I've got my chest here,

full of the finest pirate medicines. Arr. Sea water,

Hemlock!

-That's poisonous, isn't it?

-Only if I don't read the instructions,

which I probably won't, cos they're in Latin,

and I can't read anyway. Arr.

Right, let's have a look at you, me young swabbie. Arr.

Touch of scurvy, eh?

Arr, well, there's not much a bit of blood-letting won't cure!

Removes all the toxins, so it does.

But I've just got a cut on my leg!

Argh! Why didn't you say so?

Oh, we'll have it off in no time.

-Off?!

-Yeah.

You don't want a rotten leg aboard a ship, do ya?

But it's only a little cut!

Well, better safe than sorry. Trust me, I'm a carpenter.

A carpenter? I thought you said you were a doctor.

We had a doctor, but he died! He mostly just sawed off limbs anyway.

And I'm the ship's carpenter, so I know me ways about a saw.

Say "arr".

Argh!

Arr! Ah-ha-arr!

-Argh!

-You're a chatty one, ain't ya?

Isn't there anything to ease the pain, any anaesthetic?

-I never heard of 'em.

-Ooh, rum, maybe?

-Don't mind if I do!

Not so fast, laddie! Better see if he survives first.

No good wasting good rum on the dead.

Nurse, the leg.

Almost finished.

All we've got to do now is seal the wound.

-With stitches and a clean dressing?

-NO!

With a load of hot tar.

-Arr.

-Argh!

Oh!

Oh! Good thinking, Nurse!

Arr-ha-harr!

Here's your new leg.

Arr.

Hello and welcome to World War II Art Show.

Today, we're joined by General Peregrine Thorogood

from the British Army.

Carry on.

Right. I was going to, so...

This week, we're going to be making models of Allied tanks,

the kind that Peregrine here actually used during the Second World War.

In fact, here's one I made earlier.

Gosh.

Ours were just like this, except bigger.

-And not made of cardboard, obviously!

-No, no, ours were made of cardboard.

Sorry?

Yes, yes. Cardboard, rubber, bits of wood. All sorts of things.

Why on earth would you make tanks out of cardboard and rubber and things?

I thought you might ask me that.

Allow me to introduce my top military advisor,

the amazing Jasper Maskelyne!

Jasper Maskelyne, master of illusion, at your service.

Mister Maskelyne was the Army's official magician.

Why on Earth did the Army need a magician?

Who better to fool the Germans than a master of illusion?

-Keep it.

-Yes, you see, the Germans were spying on us from their planes.

They could see where our guns and tanks were

and work out our next move.

But! What if the tanks and guns they saw weren't tanks and guns at all?

What if it was just...an illusion?

Fly, Cornelius, be free!

Oh, I see. So, you built cardboard tanks to fool the German planes.

Precisely! We even put tanks on top of jeeps and drove them around

to make it look like the tanks were moving.

-So it was all just...

-..An illusion.

-Is this your card?

-Well, I didn't actually...

-Take the card.

OK.

Yes, these sort of tactics helped us win the war.

On D-Day, when we wanted Hitler to think

we were invading France from Dover, we built an entire fake army.

We even had fake, wooden planes.

-Like this one.

-Oh, right.

Doesn't look much like a plane from here.

Not from the ground, maybe. But from the air...

Oh, I see. Very clever.

And the Americans brought an entire inflatable army.

You could say I was the first general to blow up his own army!

THEY LAUGH

I don't really get the joke.

Well, there we have it.

It turns out that cardboard tanks and wooden planes

could really be used to help win a war.

That's all we have time for this week.

So a big thanks to my guests, General Peregrine Thorogood

-and...

-And me, Jasper Maskelyne,

master of illusion!

Good heavens! Where has he gone?!

-Well, he's clearly just down there, isn't he?

-Why would you do that?

-Why would you...?

-It's not magic,

-you've just gone below the desk.

-You've just ruined it for everyone.

That's true. Cardboard and glue helped us win the war.

And paper and string was pretty useful too.

Poor wartime families used to wrap their children up in brown paper

to keep them snug and warm.

Now, what could possibly go wrong with that?

Hello, darling, I'm home.

Hello, love. Did you remember to send that parcel?

Yes, of course I did, darling.

And have you seen Timmy? I've no idea where he's gone.

He was here earlier, playing with his teddy.

Ah. Yes, I think I know what's happened.

Darling, I'm just popping back to the post office.

Yes.

At least I marked him "fragile".

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths They're funny cos they're true

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you! #

Next!

Phoo-wee!

Urgh, who are you, Captain Stinky of the Stinky People?

Heraclitus, Ancient Greek philosopher.

Oh, what, "I stink, therefore I am"? HE LAUGHS

So, how did you die, Stinkitus?

Heraclitus!

Whatever.

In my old age, I developed an illness called dropsy.

Which is where your body swells up with excess water.

-But I did invent an original cure.

-I can tell this is going to be good.

Everybody knows water evaporates when heated.

So I figured if I just stayed somewhere hot,

then the excess water would evaporate away.

And what's a ready source of heat?

Ooh! HE MIMICS BUZZER

Fire! The sun! An oven?

Cow dung.

HE LAUGHS

Even better!

-Go on.

-Yeah.

So, I jumped into a big pile of cow dung

and I buried myself up to my neck in it.

Ah! Hence the "phoo-wee".

But, unfortunately, I forgot to bring any water,

so I just got hotter and hotter and...

-Yes?

-And eventually died from heat exhaustion.

HE LAUGHS

You were baked alive in a giant cow pat!

Your cure stinks and so do you, Stinkitus!

Heraclitus!

Whatever!

-You're through to the afterlife, off you go.

-Am I?

Get out before I change my mind.

Sorry.

Phoo-wee!

Sometimes I love this job. I do, I do!

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #

The Ancient Greeks believed that the dead went to the underworld.

Yes, the Greeks had some very strange beliefs.

Evil spirits, what a nightmare!

You know what I'm on about.

I mean, keeping your ancestors' dead bodies in a jar is great.

But what happens if their spirits escape?

Oh, clumsy!

Before you know it, an evil spirit has entered your house

and started spreading illness and disease.

That's why you need...

Give the doorframe a nice, thick coat of yucky, sticky tar.

Then just watch as those evil spirits get stuck to it,

again and again and again.

Tackle your demons with...

We Ancient Greeks were quite superstitious.

We believed in ghosts and horoscopes and that the gods decided our fate.

We thought the gods spoke through oracles

and so we could learn about the future.

Hi.

How may I help you, my son?

Hello. Um, I'm mean to seek counsel from the Oracle of Delphi.

Ah, you wish to know the future.

Well, I'm Aeschylus the playwright. You might recognise me.

Well, anyway, I've just written a new play

and I just want to know if it's going to be a success or not.

Ah, well. Don't you worry. 'Tis the oracle's greatest pleasure

to relieve the good people of Greece of the burden of uncertainty.

Excellent. Great. Is it just through here?

There are certain administrative expenses

associated with the management of a good oracle...

Yes, of course.

There we go.

There's water and heating. Funds.

OK, um...

And there's temple maintenance as well.

-Have you noticed the roof?

-OK.

-The oracle awaits you.

-Thank you.

-Enter.

Oh, great and wise oracle.

Will you please ask the god Apollo what the Fates have in store for me?

Daaa! Wa-da,

Doo-ba-da, dah, doo-ra, da-da. Hah.

The oracle speaks in the strange language of the gods.

But we do provide a translation service.

-Really?

-At a very reasonable price.

Yeah, OK.

Yes. Thank you.

She says you will spend a lot of money.

That is what I'm doing now.

I want to know what's going to happen in the future.

Is my play going to be a success? Will you...?

Wai, da-da-da, goo-da-doh. Ah!

Do-dah-doh, ba-da, doh-doh. Dahhh.

Do you require additional translation services?

Unbe... Yeah. Right.

She says, "Beware the tortoise".

Really(?) Beware the tortoise.

Well, I could lie, but...

That's good. That's really excellent, actually(!)

-Don't shoot the messenger, mate.

-Thanks for nothing.

Ohh, dah-DA, bah, dah. Doh-ba-dah!

Yeah, same to you.

Da-ba-da! DA-BA-DA-DA!

WA-DA! Honestly. He didn't even leave a tip!

Ridiculous. What was I thinking? Beware the tortoise! It's absolute...

Oh, she's good. She's...

It's true. Aeschylus really WAS killed

when an eagle dropped a tortoise on his head.

The bird thought his shiny bald patch was a rock

and tried to use it smash open the tortoise's shell.

And that's the story of the tortoise and the no-hair.

"Boo, get 'im off!"

Even I'm heckling myself.

After the English Civil War, Oliver Cromwell ruled England.

And he disapproved of just about anything fun.

# On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me... #

Cousin Ollie! Merry Christmas, old bean!

Oh, relatives. How did you get past the guards?

We just thought we'd pop by to wish you a very merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas!

-I'm a Puritan, I don't celebrate Christmas.

In fact, I've had it banned.

Well, you won't say no to a spot of Christmas dinner, will you?

-We brought you a goose!

-Guards!

-What are you doing?

-Christmas dinner is banned, it's sinful.

I've ordered the army to confiscate all roast geese. Guards!

Whoa, whoa! We'll lose the goose, we'll lose the goose.

It's fine. Why don't we all go down to the pub or something?

-Guards!

-What now?

-Pubs are banned, they are sinful.

Fine, fine. Why don't we all go to the theatre?

-Guards!

-Let me guess - banned.

-Yes!

-It's sinful!

-All right,

all right, why don't we have a festive kick-about in the park?

-Guards!

-What?

-You can't sport, it's...

-..Sinful!

You have to understand, these frivolous events

distract us Puritans from our devotion to Christ.

Well, we have to do something. Lucy's all made up.

With make-up?

-Yes.

-Guards!

Oh, come on.

Make-up is sinful! Especially that eye shadow with that top.

-What?

-Nothing.

-Wait a minute.

I've got it! Why don't we all go to church? I mean,

church isn't sinful, is it?

No, of course not.

Well, let's all go to church!

Guard! Seize them.

It's against the law to go to church on Christmas Day.

Take these sinners to prison.

-But...!

-What?

Wait.

Yes?

Happy Christmas.

Oh.

Now lock 'em up and throw away the key!

Oliver Cromwell really did ban pretty much anything that was fun.

Even Christmas, yeah!

Though secretly, he still liked music and smoking.

So Christmas was sinful, but smoking was OK.

What a weirdo!

No wonder everybody wanted the King back on the throne.

# My name is

# My name is

# My name is Charles II

# I love the people And the people love me

# So much that they restored The English monarchy

# I'm part Scottish, French, Italian A little bit Dane

# But 100% party animal Champagne?

# Spaniels I adore Named after me too

# Like me, they were fun With a natty hairdo

# Is today my birthday? I can't recall

# Let's have a party anyway Because I love a masked ball

# All hail the King of Bling

# Let's sing, bells ring, ding, ding

# I'm the king who brought back partying

# King Charles, my daddy, lost his throne and kings were banned

# They chopped off his head Then Ollie Cromwell ruled the land

# Old Ollie wasn't jolly He was glum and he was proud

# He was miserable as sin Only sinning's not allowed

# When Ollie died, the people said,

# "Charlie, me hearty

# "Get rid of his dull laws Come back, we'd rather party"

# This action's what they call the monarchy restoration

# Which naturally was followed by a huge celebration

# The King of England say No sin to sing

# Or anything All say

# I'm the king who brought back partying

# The Great London Fire was a whopper

# In my reign London City came a cropper

# So this King did what was right and proper

# For the Fire proved I'm more than a bopper

# I'm a fire stopper

# Married Catherine Braganza She was a love so true

# There would never be another Well, maybe one or two

# Lucy Walter, Nell Gwynn, Moll Davis, Barbara Villiers

# You think that's bad, but her name's not as silly as...

# ..Hortense Mancini

# As king, I must admit I broke the wedding rules

# But who cares when I brought back the Crown Jewels?

# I reinstated Christmas, make-up, sport and even plays

# I was the Merrie Monarch They were good old days

# When said and done King Charles did run

# England for fun

# I was the king loved by everyone My song is done. #

Party, anyone?

In fact, she married two of her brothers,

dated one Roman general and married another.

All of whom came to sticky ends.

So, basically Cleo was a real love rat.

And not in a good way.

Getting close to Cleo was a dangerous business.

If Ancient Egyptians had had the internet,

you wouldn't have wanted to be her online friend. Just imagine!

Mark Antony has accepted me as a friend on Mummy-bo.

Excellent! "Thanks for the add...

"smiley hieroglyphic."

-PHONE RINGS

-It's him!

Hail Queen Cleopatra!

Hail yourself!

I was just looking at your Mummy-bo profile

and I couldn't help but notice you haven't got many friends.

Well, I did have my sister, Pharaoh Cleopatra VI,

but she died in suspicious circumstances.

And my other sister, Pharaoh Berenice IV, but she was executed.

Then there were my half-brothers, Pharaoh Ptolemy XIII, drowned,

and Pharaoh Ptolemy XIV, poisoned.

Sounds like being on the throne in Egypt

is a fairly dangerous job, Cleo.

Do you never get scared?

-SHE CHUCKLES

-No, no, no, I'll be fine.

I just need a powerful Roman to stand alongside me.

What, like Caesar? Didn't you date him?

-Yeah.

-Now he's dead.

Yeah. About that...

There's now a vacancy, so do you want to go out with me?

No-oo.

Oh, please, please, please! I'll put you on my Top Ten Friends list.

OK. In for a denarius, in for a sestertius! Ha, ha!

More like a Top Two Friends list. Who's this other one?

Oh, yeah, that's my sister, Arsinoe.

At last, a member of your family who isn't dead.

Mm. About that...

Cleo...

Yeah, the thing is, she's the last threat to my throne,

so I need to have Arsinoe killed.

You don't mind if I put your name on the assassination warrant,

do you? Um...

-Please, please, please, please!

-Oh, OK.

There we go. Nasty business, but had to be done.

Now you and me can rule the Egyptian Empire in peace.

Right, great.

COMPUTER BEEPS Oh. What was that noise?

Did something go wrong?

Oh... Yeah.

It says there's a problem with the transaction.

I probably just need to update my PapyrusPal account.

-Oh.

-What?

-What is it?

-Yeah, turns out Arsinoe was on the steps

of a sacred temple when you murdered her.

-When

-I

-murdered her?

-Rome is up in arms. We're in big trouble.

-What are we going to do?

-Well, if we want to die with dignity,

we'll have to kill ourselves before the Roman Army get to us.

What? Oh, this is most inconvenient.

-Oh, well, I suppose...

-No, no, no, wait!

I suppose we could pretend to kill ourselves and then just hide.

Urgh! Now you tell me, Cleo.

You are literally the worst girlfriend I have ever had.

And I've had some shockers. Urgh.

Right. Looks like I'll have to do the same, then. Um...

I'll get a poisonous snake to bite me.

I mean, that's probably quite a regal way to go.

An asp! Perfect.

How much?

20 bronze coins for packaging?!

I suppose it is quite a long tube.

Welcome back to HHTV Sport,

bringing you exclusive live sporting events from the past.

Let's go over to our commentary team live in 1805

where the sport of boxing

is about to undergo an incredible transformation.

Thanks very much. Looks like tonight is going to be a real cracker.

Let's meet the fighters.

First up, we've got London's finest,

the huge, the undefeated Jack "Tough Tom" Holmes.

Let's take a look at Tough Tom in action.

He's a real expert at classic Georgian bare-knuckle boxing,

where two rivals stand stock still and slug it out.

Yeah!

Next up it's the newcomer,

all the way from New York in the USA,

it's the comparatively smaller Bill Richmond!

Bill was born a slave in New York, USA,

and learned his trade, boxing for entertainment,

-at the Duke of Northumberland's dinner parties.

-I have to say,

he looks a lot smaller than Tough Tom.

-I think this is going to be carnage.

-Certainly looks that way.

Seconds out, round 1!

-Oh, and Tough Tom is really fired up for this one.

-Oh, I can't watch.

Hold on, what was that?! It looks like Bill Richmond

has got out of the way of one of Tough Tom's punches!

-Is that allowed?!

-I guess!

Oh! He's got out of the way of another one!

That is extraordinary. Nobody has ever got out of the way

in the whole history of boxing. When you come to think about it,

not letting your opponent hit you in the face is not a bad idea.

He's invented a whole new technique!

Nobody got out of the way before.

Probably because their heads were mashed up by all the boxing.

DONG!

-Oh!

-Oh!

-He's floored him!

He has floored him.

Oh, and it looks like Jack "Tough Tom" Holmes is out for the count.

You're out!

Bill "Get Out Of The Way" Richmond is the winner.

Back to the studio.

Of course, the boxing move Bill Richmond invented

isn't really called "getting out of the way".

It's now known as the "bob and weave"

and it's what all boxers do.

And some hairdressers, come to think of it.

My mum's got a bob. My dad's got a weave.

Georgian times could be pretty violent,

and not just in the boxing ring.

Thanks to several pupil rebellions,

even going to school could be a hair-raising experience.

If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask.

Thank you, Headmaster. How hard will it be for Samuel to get in?

The examination is straightforward.

We examine your bank account - if you've got enough money, you're in.

-What is your attitude to discipline?

-Discipline is very important.

We really, really wish we had some!

Do not throw stones in the quadrangle!

GUNSHOTS

Do not fire pistols at the Headmaster!

-Just walk this way.

-GUNSHOT

-On second thoughts, run!

-What's going on?

Just a little...high spirits!

Must be double chemistry!

GUNSHOT

-Who's firing pistols? Who's throwing stones?

-I'm not sure.

I think it's Class 5B.

-Schoolboys?!

-Yes. Just a little pupil rebellion.

-Rebellion?!

-Nothing out of the ordinary.

All the best schools have them. Oi! You there!

-Yes, I'm looking at you! You're late!

-Sorry, sir.

You're a bit old to be a pupil. Are you a teacher?

No, Colonel Warwick, British Army.

Headmaster calls us in when a rebellion gets out of hand.

They've broken several rules. You may need bayonets.

Yes, sir.

BAYONETS!

Good luck, Colonel!

EXPLOSION

Why, that's quite enough of that!

All of you, see me in my office!

Ah.

So! Hands up if you'd like to see the library.

Yes, please.

Both hands. If we surrender, they might let us across.

GUNSHOT

On second thoughts, why don't I introduce you to Matron?

# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts

# The ugly truth... #

Want to travel through the time sewers with me?

Then play Horrible Histories: Terrible Treasures.

Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories.

# ..a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #