Episode 10 Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful Wars, ferocious fights

# Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description

# Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes

# Punishments from ancient times

# Romans - rotten, rank and ruthless

# Cavemen - savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to

# Horrible Histories. #

Ugh, it's freezing!

Tell me about it. I made this cup of tea

two minutes ago, and now look at it. It's like a tea lollipop.

I think I'm getting frostbite. I've lost all the feeling in my t-toes.

Come here, then. Let's huddle up.

Ooh! You are cold, ain't ya?

It's these th-thin uniforms.

-MAN:

-Somme Times!

-Newspaper? Brilliant!

-I'll take a couple. Thanks, mate.

-Newspaper?

-I'm shaking too much to read a newspaper.

-No, it's not for reading.

You stick it up your shirt.

It's like an extra layer of insulation. There. Any warmer?

-No.

-Oh.

When I had frostbite last year, the doctor told me to strip off,

and then he rubbed me down with a cloth covered in snow.

Did it help?

-No. Made it much worse, come to think of it.

-At ease, men.

Ooh, what you got there, then, sir?

-Something to warm you up.

-Oh! Is it a Lancashire hotpot?

-No, it's whale oil.

-Oh, that stinks!

-I'm not eating that.

-Don't be ridiculous.

Don't eat it. I want you to smear it over your bodies.

-Weird.

-Army orders, lads.

Before going out on patrol in cold weather,

-each man must be stripped and coated in melted-down whale fat.

-Well,

if it keeps a whale warm...

-OK? Now, smear away.

-Oh!

-That's it.

-Are you feeling any warmer?

-Not at all.

Lads, well, grab your guns, and let's head out on patrol.

It's slippy.

-I can't...

-GUN FIRES

-MAN:

-Watch it!

-Sorry.

It could get really cold in the trenches,

and there wasn't much food to eat either,

so nothing went to waste. Ha!

'Four eager chefs, four historical eras, but just one prize.

'Who will be crowned Historical MasterChef?'

Whoever wins this competition, it will change...their...lives!

What...he...said!

'Ernie is a World War I soldier who has to prepare his own meals

'from limited rations.'

Mate, mate, mate, mate, you can't do that.

That's unhygienic.

Aw, but it feels so good.

I've been stuck in those freezing trenches for months. Months!

You can't leave these... Ugh!

Yeah, my socks are a bit riddled with lice, I'm afraid.

-Don't worry, mate. You get used to the itching.

-Do you?

No. Still, waste not, want not, eh?

Ugh!

-The red ones are more juicy.

-Ugh!

'With Gregg deloused, it's time to find out

'what Ernie will serve up.'

OK, everyone, time's up.

Stop cooking meals of food.

Well, first up, I've made dog and maggot.

Not actual dog and maggot?

Oh, no, no, no, that's just trench talk for bread and cheese.

-I'm following that with baby's head.

-Right, not actual babies?

No, no, not actual babies. That's trench talk for meat pudding.

It's called that cos it looks bit like a baby's head.

And, lastly, my piece de resistance, messenger pigeon pie!

-Now you're talking!

-Just to double check,

not actual messenger pigeon?

Yeah, actual. Well, we weren't sending any messages,

so waste not, want not.

Talking of which...

Not bad.

Ernie, your food was disgusting.

However, we admired your resourcefulness.

We're putting you through to the next round.

-Congratulations, mate.

-Oh, that's wonderful. Thank you.

-Ugh. What is this?

-Tea -

from stale rainwater I scooped out a dirty shell hole.

Fla-la-la-la-la!

Does give you diarrhoea if you're not used to it.

-HE BREAKS WIND

-Ugh, I don't think

I'm going to make it!

Waste not, want not, eh?

HE BREAKS WIND Ugh, still not used to it,

still not used to it!

Ha ha ha!

Did you know, when World War I soldiers finished off tins of jam,

they'd sometimes fill the tins with explosives and use them as grenades?

Imagine if they lobbed the wrong one, eh?

"Agh, I'm wounded and I've been hit by a grenade!

"Oh, no, hold on, it's just jam!"

Hello, and welcome to the News At When. When? The Saxon era,

when Britain was being shaped by invaders from mainland Europe.

To find out more, we go over now to

Bob Hale with the Anglo-Saxon Report. Bob.

Thank you, Sam. Well, it's 400AD,

that right there is Britain, and here comes the King,

in a bedsheet! Ha ha! No, not really.

It's a Roman emperor, because Britain is under Roman rule,

just as it has been for more than 350 years.

But that is about to change,

because in the year 410, the unthinkable happens,

so unthinkable, in fact, that I can't think of it. What was it now?

The Roman Empire crumbles. The Romans leave Britain

with the line, "Don't forget to put the cat out," something like that,

and that's when the problems start. With the Romans gone,

the Picts from up in Scotland decide to invade England,

so the king of the Britons, Vortigern, hires a load of warriors

from Denmark and Germany to help him fight the Picts.

Amongst these warriors are Hengist and Horsa, who decide that

they like Britain so much, they'd like to keep some of it.

Luckily, Hengist has a beautiful daughter,

so, in one of the weirdest deals in history,

he offers King Vortigern his daughter's hand in marriage

in return for Kent - yep, Kent - and that's just the start of it.

So, seeing how easy it is to get your hands on English lands,

there are Danes and Germans everywhere.

Invaders from Angeln take over the Midlands and the north.

Invaders from Saxony take over huge chunks of the south.

Yes, England gets overrun with Angles and Saxons,

making it officially Anglo-Saxon -

and you thought we'd just made that term up!

So there we have it, England's story, end of the line, end of the pier,

last dance, lights off, cat's out, done. But not for long.

Under Anglo-Saxon rule, Britain changes shape,

although obviously not around the edges. Inside, though,

it's all change as the invaders shape their lands into seven major kingdoms

called Wessex and Essex and so on. But it's not all plain sailing.

They can't conquer Scotland for toffee -

a shame, as Scotland's got great toffee -

while the kingdoms in the west aren't thrilled about the neighbours.

Relations get so bad that King Offa of Mercia, shown here in puce,

whatever that is, builds a ditch, cutting off the west -

the border of what we call Wales. So there we have it, Scotland, Wales,

Anglo-Saxon England all sitting side by side in perfect harmony,

bar a little name-calling and the odd local war.

But not for long. It's 865,

and lock up your monasteries, because here come the Vikings!

In no time, they take over every major Anglo-Saxon kingdom

except for this one, Wessex, home of Alfred the Great,

who clearly has a high opinion of himself, and for good reason,

because Alfie managed to hold back the Vikings. But not for long.

Well, it's for quite a while.

No, eventually Aethelred the Unready becomes King and gets so sick of

the Viking attacks that he's never ready for

that he decides to kill every Viking in England,

including the King of Norway's sister, which doesn't go down

too well with the King of Norway, who promptly invades England,

takes Aethelred's crown and becomes the first Viking King.

Cnut, Harthacnut, a quarter of a Cnut - except not the last one -

until, in 1042, an Englishman gets the throne again.

It's Edward the Confessor, hurray! And he then goes and dies, boo!

Three people fight over who should replace him.

An Englishman, a Norman and a Viking - sounds like a joke, but it isn't -

especially for the Englishman, Harold Godwinson,

who takes the crown and is set upon by the other two.

While he's fighting off the Viking one here,

the Norman one, William the Conqueror, attacks down there.

1066, the Battle of Hastings - not only the end of Harold,

but also the end of the Anglo-Saxon England altogether,

the end of the line, the end of the road,

the end of the world, and unless I calm down,

in the next few seconds it might well be the end of dear old Bob.

Oh, it's too late! Agh! Ugh!

My mistake, it's just heartburn. Back to you, Sam.

We Saxons were defeated by Norman duke William the Conqueror.

He was a pretty ruthless character, and he always got his own way.

'He was the vicious, arrogant Norman duke who would one day rule England.'

Oh, really? Good, I like England!

Apart from the weather. Oh, and the food. And the people.

She was the beautiful granddaughter of the French king.

Grandpapa, can I have a pony?

-Yes, have 100 ponies.

-I love you, Grandpapa.

'And when William asked for her hand in marriage,

'there was only ever going to be one answer.'

No way. I'm way too posh for that stinky Duke William.

I'm going to marry a prince or something.

'But William wouldn't take "non" for an answer.

'He set off on a journey to win the heart of the beautiful princess.'

-Stand up.

-I am standing up.

Wow, you're very small.

Yeah, I'm, like, four foot. What do you want?

I want you to marry me.

I will never marry you.

Hmm, we'll see about that.

'Duke William used all his charm to make Matilda fall in love with him.'

Marry me!

No!

Marry me!

No!

Marry me!

-OK!

-Great.

'Hey, whoa, whoa, now, hang on a minute.

-'What was all that about?'

-All what?

'All that - you pulling her hair and pushing her in the mud and stuff.'

It's just what happens. She said no,

so I pulled her hair and then I pushed her in the mud and...

'But you can't do that.'

I know, was terrible, but actually

he turned out to be a really good husband.

Yeah, we were together 30 years.

We had 11 beautiful children.

'Yeah, but it's kind of... But I...'

-BOTH:

-What?

-'Ah, forget it. So, where were we?

'Coming soon to a cinema near you, Mud & Matilda, a tale of loving...

-'and shoving.'

-Oi! I already said yes!

Oh, sorry.

My bad.

'Rated unreasonable.'

Us Georgians loved a good day out, but some of the things

we went to see could be considered very cruel.

This is Jessica Harvey-Smythe,

reporting from the hottest ticket in Georgian England.

It's London's latest attraction, London Bedlam, a fun day out for

all the family, and with entrance costing just one penny,

it's a sell-out.

I can't wait to see what all the fuss is about.

And here it is, the first exhibit, and it's...

He-He's... I'm sorry, I'm confused.

-Who is he?

-Oh, I don't know. He's just a mad person.

-Don't go near him, Anne. He may bite you.

-What, this man is mad?

-Yes, he's clinically insane.

-Shouldn't he be in hospital?

-This is a hospital.

-Brilliant, isn't it?

Ah, it seems that Georgians are paying money

to go to a mental institution to laugh at the afflicted.

He's not doing anything. Throw something at him, Augustus.

Rubbish. Who else is there?

There's John Frith, the madman who tried to kill George III,

James Hadfield, the madman who tried to kill George III

and Margaret Nicholson, the madwoman who tried to kill George III.

Seems like a lot of people want to kill George III.

I'm not surprised if he lets this vile practice go on.

This is Jessica Harvey-Smythe reporting from

the most unpleasant spectacle in Georgian Britain.

-Oh, I'm bored now. Shall we go and see the public hanging?

-Oh, lovely.

Or perhaps the number two.

The answer is...

c) 96,000 visitors went along to have a look

at those less fortunate than themselves.

Georgian entertainment could be pretty strange,

as were some of the things they thought were good for you.

'Introducing new Solomon's Water,

'the Georgian tonic for health and wellbeing,

'made from the purest spring water - except with mercury in it. Eh?

'Crisp and clear as a mountain stream,

'apart from the poisonous metal content. Hang on.'

I drink Solomon's Water every day and I've never felt better.

Oh, dear, can't see, can't hear, can't stand. Agh!

It's the mercury that lends new Solomon's Water

that unique metallic taste,

and we Georgians are pretty sure it's good for you.

The loss of sight, hearing, balance,

sensation and, occasionally, life are just a coincidence.

-Help!

-Probably.

'Are you sure we should be

'telling people to drink this stuff, Leonard?'

Greetings, my denizens of death.

I am Vincenzo Laughoff,

and this week's sca-ary story is The Mystery Of Motecuhzoma!

The year was...

..a year so terrifying, I dare not speak it,

when an eerie series of strange and unnerving events unfolded

in the distant South American capital

of Tenochtitlan.

Yes, Tenochtitlan.

And mighty Emperor Motecuhzoma had no idea of the fate that was about to

befall him when haunting visions began to curse his land.

First, in the ocean off the Aztec coast, a mysterious house appeared

in the turbulent waves, somehow moving towards the land.

Then, ghostly figures appeared on the shoreline, pale creatures

that looked like men but acted like gods,

and, from this house of horror,

from its very bowels... PARP!

Yeah, I don't think we need a sound effect

for the word "bowels". PARP!

No, I don't want to hear that particular sound effect

ever again, OK?

And, from this house of horror, from its very bowels...

..unearthly monsters were unleashed, demons with the bodies of wild deer

but the arms and heads of men, each of them gripping a silver wand

that smashed flames, striking the Aztecs dead.

And as Motecuhzoma watched the carnage he wailed,

"What are these demonic creatures?"

Well, little did he know the chilling truth.

These unearthly creatures were not

demons or monsters nor aliens nor gods.

They were Spaniards!

What?

And the house in the sea was a Spanish galleon.

The ghostly figures were just invading Spanish soldiers,

the flaming wands were guns and the half deer, half men,

they were just people on horses.

Let's clear this up once and for all.

Ghosts, scary.

Vampires, scary.

Spanish blokes on horses, not scary.

You're just making me look like an idiot.

Ow! Right, either the sound girl goes or I do.

Right, fine, I'll go.

The minute I finish lunch.

Yes, to us Aztecs, the invading Spaniards were very scary,

but the way they fought was really unfair.

'Warrior - fight your way through history.'

'Be a Spanish conquistador determined to conquer

'the tribes of Central America and run off with their treasure.'

Spanish conquistador, selected.

'Or, be a battle-hardened Aztec warrior,

'fearless defender of a proud nation.'

Aztec warrior, selected.

'Warrior! Which warrior is mightier?'

Play begins.

Ow, ow, ow...

GUN FIRES

Play again.

Player two, Aztec reinforcements selected.

Player one, weapons cheat.

'Choose a weapon the Aztecs have never seen before...'

-Cannon.

-Argh!

Horse.

Warning - smallpox virus outbreak.

'..and spread diseases the Aztecs have never experienced.'

Ten million Aztecs wiped out. Game over.

'Warrior - no fear, no mercy, no immunity.'

It's true, the Aztecs didn't stand much of a chance against

the superior Spanish weaponry, but they stood no chance whatsoever

against the Spanish germs.

Their bodies had no defence against smallpox,

and it practically wiped the Aztecs out. Do you know, if I'm honest, er,

I'd rather just do the funnies.

Can we not get a badger or something to do the serious stuff?

We Romans had enemies all over Europe.

We couldn't understand what they were saying

because we didn't speak the same language. To us, when they talk,

they just sounded like, "Bah, bah, bah,"

so we called them all barbarians,

even though there were lots of different tribes.

'In this week's Danke magazine it's our barbarian fashion special.

'Find out what's in and what's out for all the leading German tribes,

'like the Burgundians...'

Red hair is definitely in!

Not only is my red hair beautiful, but it's also a sign of fierceness.

Plus keeping it long gives me - hmm - magic powers! How sassy!

'..the Franks...'

We Franks like to shave our hair at the back

and have a fringe at the front. Well, it's important to

look your best when you're the last thing

a Roman soldier is ever going to see.

'And grooming tips you thought the Burgundians wouldn't tell.'

How do I keep my hair so glossy?

I put butter in it. That's why I look good enough to eat. Ouch!

And there's more. I'll show you how to keep your horse warm

with this designer Alan blanket, made from the skin of your enemies.

-Mm, smells good.

-'Wow, that sounds great. Thanks, Alan.'

No, my name is not Alan. My name is Frank. I'm from the Alan tribe.

-'Sorry.'

-It's OK.

And I'm Alan the Frank.

-Really?

-No, I make the joke!

Ha ha ha! My name's actually Helmut.

'All this and lots, lots more, only in this week's Danke magazine.

The answer is a).

Emperor Honorious hid in his country mansion with his pet chickens

when Rome finally fell. But the invading Goths turned out

not to be as destructive as he might have feared.

Oh, come on, Lucius -

Rome will have fallen by the time you make your move.

Rome has fallen!

-What did I just say?

-The days of the Roman Empire are finally at an end.

Now, the Goth tribes rule Rome.

Yeah! Et cetera.

Soon, we shall be tearing down the great buildings of your empire,

filling it with crudely-built mud huts.

Yeah! Although, now that you say it out loud,

it just feels like a waste. Could we not at least keep the Colosseum?

Yeah, I suppose we could keep that.

The aqueduct is handy for carrying

the fresh water around the city.

Yeah, I was going to say aqueduct, actually. You know, we need

a fresh water supply. We're not animals. Is that not right, Neil?

So, we're just tearing down the houses, then?

Of course we are, yeah!

No, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait. What is this? Er, it is stone, yeah?

-Mm.

-You know, I like it.

I have an idea. Isn't it easier just to move into

these houses rather than smash them down and build new mud ones, yeah?

So let me get this straight, we are only going to smash the statues?

Yeah, of course, smash them down!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You know, I like the statues, they really hold the room together.

I tell you what, we're going to keep the arenas,

the plumbing, the fresh waterworks of course, the houses, the statues

and anything else of artistic and cultural significance, yeah?

Er, so what are you going to be destroying then, exactly?

I tell you what we are going to be destroying exactly.

Neil, the jug.

No, no, no, no, no, no,

not the big one, I like the big one. The little one.

Whoops.

THEY LAUGH

So we're just stealing stuff?

Of course we're going to steal stuff! But first of all...

Wow, I stink - hot sausage!

-Who's for a Roman bath?

-Yeah!

Your face!

Goth buffoons.

Still, your go, Lucius.

Agh!

In Stuart times, we had some pretty odd ways of

finding out how the human body works.

-KNOCK

-Come in.

Am I not in already?

-No, no, anything this side of the tree is in.

-Ah, fair enough.

Ah, hello there.

-You must be my new apprentice.

-Indeed, and you must be Dr Harvey.

Indeed I am, indeed I am. Welcome to my surgery.

Yes, it's, um...

It's very...

It's a field.

Indeed it is, but not just any old field - it's a battlefield.

-What?

-Well, there is a civil war going on, you know.

In fact, I think the battle should be starting any moment.

-BANG

-Ah, there it is.

Well, don't just stand there, get down, you fool!

What, and miss all the action?

Ha ha, no, I don't think so.

The battlefield is one of the very best places to study

the inner workings of the human body.

-You can't be serious!

-For example, take this arm here.

See how the blood runs through it. Woo, huh, and spurts out of it!

This entirely supports my theory that the blood is pumped around

the body in a continuous loop, a circulatory system if you like,

powered by the heart - it's absolutely fascinating.

You spend the battle studying anatomy?

Oh, of course not, no.

No, most of the time, ah, I like to read.

Now then, where was I?

This is madness, I'm getting out of here.

Taking a little break, are you? Oh, good idea.

Hm, could do with a little nap myself.

Ah. Ah, hmm, no blankets, that's a shame.

Oh, that's much better, yes, nice and warm.

Sorry, chaps - would you mind keeping the noise down?

Some of us are trying to sleep here.

That's true, Dr William Harvey really did prove

that blood circulates round the body from studying body parts

left over after English Civil War battles.

So, a big hand for Dr William Harvey, please.

And a severed arm and a couple of legs! Ha ha!

And if you want to find out more about the English Civil War,

check out this lot.

# We are the Roundheads We don't want kings no more

# That's why we started the English Civil War

# People say we're no fun But we disagree... #

Especially when explaining Parliamentary democracy!

We are particularly excited by notions of jurisprudence...

# That's enough dullness, we're the Cavalier crew

# Supporting King Charles and everything that he'll do

# Puritans bore us, it's really a crime

# When your Parliamentary business cuts our partying time

# Roundheads, sound heads

# Keep-the-music-down heads

# Rules and regulations... #

They're dull but fair!

# Cavaliers, three cheers

# Wackier headgears... #

We live to boogie with our peers. Unfair? Don't care!

# I am the King, I can do what I like

# Start up a war or a big tax hike

# Got a French wife, she's a Catholic... #

Oh, Lor'!

# Really, King Charles, we're not quite sure

# Insolence - is that how you talk to the crown?

# I am the King, I'll just close Parliament down... #

I think you'll find that's in breach of due process.

# Here's what we say to that - now clear up this mess

# Roundheads, sound heads Witches-should-be-drowned heads

# Don't believe in crowned heads... #

Parliament's our thing.

# Cavaliers, three cheers

# Your superiors... #

We're all toffs who cry, "Hear, hear," and, "God save the King!"

Fight, fight, fight, fight!

Fight, fight, fight, fight!

Cavaliers, Roundheads - the English Civil War.

-Why is it called Civil?

-May I kill you, please?

-Sure!

# Love civil wars to be fought on this land

# If I get to power, Christmas will be banned... #

No chance, Cromwell - victory will be mine!

# You'll never pass a ban on mince pies and mulled wine

# That's what do you think - Just wait till you're caught

# I'll also scrap theatre, music and sport... #

You're pathetic - war will finish even before it's begun!

-We've taken Charles prisoner, the Roundheads have won!

-Oh.

# Victory, three cheers

# Cavaliers in tears

# No power for you... #

I'm the leader of the pack!

# Charles' head, Roundhead... #

Hurrah, now the King's dead!

# Sins binned, instead a righteous track! #

But we'll be back!

Psst, can you keep a secret? No, me neither.

I've just found some great games in the time sewers.

Want to come and play? Go to the CBBC website

and click on Horrible Histories. See you there.

# Hope you enjoyed...

# Horrible Histories. #