Episode 13 Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Romans rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

Yo, yo, yo! MC mouse is in da house. Well, actually I'm a rat,

but MC rat in da flat sounds a bit rubbish, really.

Anyhow, time to get this song special started,

so let's rock back to the Stone Age!

Not that this is a rock song, it's actually jazz.

# And so you've heard the Stone Age occurred

# For two and a half million years

# But there's more of Stone Age to engage

# Than maybe it first appears

# Dinosaurs, Neanderthals let's make this clearer

# Didn't live together came from different eras

# That's not all I can tell ya So much more to be known

# About the many phases in the ages of stone

# Shoo be do be do wop it's all the rage

# So skiddly bop do wop brush up on your Stone Age

# Oh, yeah!

# All right!

# It's fine to define the Neo-Palaeolithic

# But you're gonna have to be a little more specific

# Do you mean lower when ancient beings first used tools

# Or metal Palaeolithic when Neanderthal ruled?

# That's when Homo sapiens starts to emerge

# But just in Africa, it's long before the global surge

# Not till upper Palaeolithic 40,000 years ago

# Did Neanderthal and Homo sapiens say hello

# Neanderthal and Homo sapi

# Living in caveman harmony

# Language was invented cave painting art

# Then Palaeolithic ended which meant the start

# Of phase two be do be do wop turn a new page

# Skiddly bop do wop brush up on your Stone Age

# Oh, yeah! All right!

# This is where it starts to get all scientific

# Palaeolithic's followed by the era Mesolithic

# Then Neanderthals are wiped out by the ice age, horrific

# After which the Neolithic age was terrific

# Man learned to farm, build homes so they could settle

# Then some other folks turned up and they discovered metal

# Bigger men from Europe found bronze and outgrown

# The simple and traditional ways of stone

# Bronze Age was invented by now man was flying

# Cos hot on his heels came the age of iron

# Celts, Druids, religion and Rome

# By now a distant memory those ages of stone

# Shoo be do be do wop since that metallic stage

# Skiddly bop do wop there was no more Stone Age

# Sho be do be do wop now you know what is known

# About the many phases of the ages of stone. #

Ye-e-eah!

All right!

Time for the next song. You ain't wrong,

it's Egyptian star, Cleopatra.

# Rah rah, Cleopatra

# Famous beauty coming at ya

# Rah rah, Patracleo

# Guys all go gaga for me-o

# I am a leader and a lady and a Queen

# I'm Cleopatra, such a Queen never been seen

# I am a pharaoh, yet they're all meant to be guys

# But I don't care-o, I just wear-o a beard disguise

# My mum and dad were pharaohs I thought I was too

# But both my older sisters thought that they should rule too

# Oh dear they both died I wonder who that will leave

# Little me-o pharaoh Cleo OK, no time to grieve

# Think that's alarming, you'd be right but it gets worse

# Married my half brother and we ruled the universe

# That bad romance led to an overcrowded throne

# But then he died, boo hoo So now I rule alone

# Woah woah woah woah woah

# All hail lady Cleo

# Woah woah woah la la

# Coolest pharaoh by far

# Fashion topped my list of vices

# Bathed in asses' milk and spices

# Then I dressed like goddess Isis Long black hair in ringlets nicest

# Vipers too for men entices

# Finest linen robe, top prices

# Married another brother, he's an OK geezer

# But never told of my love for Julius Caesar

# Had Caesar's child and hoped that he'd be crowned king

# My bro said no, I said oh and I murdered him

# Cos I am Cleopatra Egypt's royalty

# The ruling pharaoh don't you dare-o mess with me

# My poker face smiles only when I see

# A man who takes my fancy like, oh, Mark Antony

-# Woah woah woah woah woah

-Another Roman leader

# Woah woah woah la la No Egyptian crowd pleaser

-# Rah rah, Cleopatra

-Finally I'd met my match-a

-# Rah rah, Patracleo

-Ends in death for him and me-o

# My life was a drama I was one kooky mamma

# Woah woah woah you know

# Today I'd be a favourite of the paparazzo. #

No pictures, no pictures.

Are you liking my music mix so far, eh?

You should be. I'm the best DJ in the world!

If you think I like to boast, you've never met a Celtic warrior.

Let's have a...

Boast battle!

BEATBOXING

# So let's clear the air Grab a chair

# I got flair when I fight a bear

# I rip off it's skin for my wife to wear

# I did it for a dare I'm your worst nightmare

# Look close, check out my facial hair

# Relax, face facts, a fight with you would be an anticlimax

# When you go to war, you don't take off your slacks

# Look at me, I'm tough I fight in the buff

-# I could say more but I've said enough, so...

-Boast battle!

-# Have grace, shut your face

-Boast battle!

# You're well off the pace

# Seems to me that you're not even skilled

# I'd stab you right now but I'm trying to chill

# In a rage, on the rampage

# I've killed more men than old age

-# Boast battle!

-And I've only just begun

-# Boast battle!

-And I'm not even done

# You're just killing the enemy That's lazy

# I kill my own people I'm that crazy

# I go berserk and my eyes go glazy

# I get so mad I could stab a daisy... #

But I won't, cos that would be...stupid

# All right, all right, stop! Think a while

# Look at your style, man, that's vile

# Looks like you've been dressed by a reptile

# I'm dressed like a king I wear a torc round my neck

# When I'm doing my killing On my finger, I'm wearing a ring

# When I said I fight nude, I wasn't counting my bling, yeah

-# Boast battle!

-And I paint myself blue

-# Boast battle!

-That's way, way cooler than you

# So much better than you that you ought to bow

# I'd fight you but you wouldn't know how

# Enough of the talk, yeah? End this now

# I can sum it all up in just one word... #

Oww!

Mu-um!

Those Celts might think they're tough,

but they're nothing compared to this Middle Ages Scottish rebel.

# I am William Wallace My life was a mystery

# Some say born 1272, some say 1263

# Was that Malcolm of Paisley Maybe Alan from Ayr

# Did I have a wife or no? Do you really care?

# They say I had a big red beard but all you need to know

# I was a Scottish rebel and the English were my foe

# William Wallace, Scottish rebel

# This is war, I cried

# Many English fought me

# And many English died

# I took against the English back when I was fairly wee

# Cos an Englishman called Selby bullied my whole family

# It upset me so I struck him dead Well, wouldn't you?

# An English sheriff came along Guess what? I killed him too

# They say he killed my wife so he deserved what he got

# Then England's King Ed came for me

# Oh, I'm scared...not!

# William Wallace, Scottish rebel

# Possibly six foot seven

# But all that really matters is

# I sent Englishmen to heaven

# 40,000 English came to Stirling Bridge for me

# They had to cross a narrow bridge to get to us, you see

# We held them off, pushed them back, it was no contest

# Bridge collapsed hundreds drowned

# Of course I killed the rest

# Celebrated Stirling Bridge another Scottish win

# By decorating my sword with the English General's skin

# William Wallace, Scottish rebel

# Scottish legend too

# Fought for Scottish freedom

# Was a hero through and through

GUITAR SOLO

# Here's where my rebel story comes unstuck

# At Falkirk defeated I'd run out of luck

# Spent seven years playing hide and seek

# Captured, sent to London, tried for treason, what a cheek

# King Ed hanged me then a lovely touch

# Pulled my guts out Guess he didn't like me much

# Ye-e-e-eah!

# William Wallace, Scottish rebel

# In Scotland my heart lived

# Though sadly my head wound up

# On a spike on London Bri-i-idge. #

Ooh, that smarts!

Time for some Aztec priests to change the mood,

so let's see you get on down at the disc-aztec.

# We're Aztec priests so mind your head

# Our prisoners always wind up dead

# Our favourite colour is blood red We're not nice

# At an Aztec temple's opening day

# We priests would please the gods this way

# Hordes of enemies we'd slay by sacrifice

# To win at war make crops grow more

# To cure our kids when ill

# The sun to shine this song to rhyme

# More victims we must kill

# Ha ha ha ha

# You won't survive You won't survive

# Ha ha ha ha

# Ain't staying alive Ain't staying alive

# Ye-e-eah

# With sacrifice, we priests appease

# Our gods, each powerful big cheese

# Let's hear it for your favourites please

# O-o-oh

# We're doing it for Toci

# The Aztec goddess of the earth's heart

# We're doing it for Chantico

# Goddess who makes volcanoes start

# We're doing it for Itzli

# The goddess of stone knives

# We're doing it for Itztlacoliuhqui

# Chiconahuiehecatl... #

Er.... # Some other gods' great lives

# Ha ha ha ha

# Don't cross us Aztecs we advise ya

# Ha ha ha ha

# Or you'll end up as fertiliser

# Ye-e-eah

# Our year starts in November

# When every priestly member

# Is asked if they'll remember our Aztec dead

# We do this if you haven't guessed

# By getting something off your chest

# Your heart would probably be best or else your head

# And then on our year planners it's the raising of the banners

# And it's only polite manners

# To kill more guys

# December and January dismembering methods vary

# All you need to know is that we pile 'em high

# May and June, it's summer time the killing is easy

# It's only halfway through the year

# Bet you're feeling queasy

# In autumn time, we sweep our homes and kill some more, but then

# By late October the killing's over

# Then it starts up again

# Ha ha ha ha

# You won't survive You won't survive

# Ha ha ha ha

# Ain't staying alive Ain't staying alive

# Ha ha ha ha

# Want to live until you're old?

# Ha ha ha ha

# Avoid us priests You've been told. #

Ha-ha-ha!

Middle Ages' King Richard III came in for a lot of bad press.

But did he really deserve it?

Take it away, little Richard.

# I was sure that you'd love me

# To that hope I did cling

# Cos I'm Richard III

# And everybody loves a king

# Thought I did a good job Why do you disagree?

# There's a lot of people spreading nasty rumours 'bout me

# Every word is a lie so I'm singing this song

# Cos the history books have been telling it wrong

# Never had a limp Always walked my full height

# Never had a hump and my arm was all right

# Never took the Crown with illegal power

# Never killed my nephews the Princes in the Tower

# Tudor propaganda, it's all absurd

# Time to tell the truth about King Richard III

# My brother Edward died

# His kids too young to rule

# So I took the throne

# Why not? I'm nobody's fool

# Thomas Moore wrote a history said I murdered Edward's boys

# Shakespeare said their death was an evil ploy

# But I say those two are historical vandals

# They've ruined my image I mean, what a scandal!

# Never bumped off those harmless young heirs

# Never buried them under the Tower of London stairs

# Never poisoned my wife bumped off her daddy

# This is me, sweet Richard Do I look like a baddie?

# Never was two-faced sure you'll agree

# I was misunderstood King Richard three

# Can you imagine it I'm the last Plantagenet

# Beaten by Henry in the Wars of the Roses

# The Tudor dynasty didn't care that much for me

# Now I'm painted as a baddie, that's why one, supposes...

# Never forget when you hear of my crimes

# Never drowned my brother in a massive vat of wine

# Never said a horse, my kingdom for a horse

# Who made that up? Why William Shakespeare of course

# Now my tale is told You won't hear a bad word

# About a special ruler, King Richard III. #

I'm a nice guy.

WASP BUZZES

Oh, there's a wasp, there's a wasp!

There's a wasp! Oh, there's a wasp!

Poor old Richard III, he seems like a nice guy.

Unlike this Georgian villain,

who everybody thought was terribly glamorous. I beg to differ!

# Everyone thinks they know the story

# Of Dick Turpin's highway glory

# But my past is far more gory I was no saint

# You think life is one big antic My profession is romantic

# Hate to be pedantic, but it ain't

# Huh!

# As a butcher down in Essex I was handy with a knife

# Had a sideline as a poacher Led a less-than-honest life

# The notorious gang of Gregory liked my style and dedication

# They signed me up and gave me a real robber's education

# We rampaged through the Essex farms, stole and robbed and fought

# But when the law came for us I escaped and they got caught

# I became a highwayman

-# Was daylight robbery

-Huh!

# I was no prince charming

-# Nothing dandy about me

-Huh!

# The truth is I was violent and with my good mate Matt King

# Robbed travellers at gunpoint Money, watches, anything

# My horse wasn't called Black Bess although that's what you've read

# Was no romantic hero Shot not one but two men dead

# The legend that surrounds me misses out the crucial part

# I was a ruthless killer with a ruthless killer's heart

# I was a vicious highwayman A source of pain and tears

# Huh!

# When you hear how my story ends

-# You won't believe your ears

-Huh!

# I ran away to Yorkshire changed my name to John Palmer

# Was sent to prison after stealing chickens from a farmer

# Wrote a letter to my family A plea it did relate

# The postman saw the envelope and here's the twist of fate

# He had taught me how to write so he knew I'd lied

# That's not John Palmer's hand That's Dick Turpin's, he cried

# Was a vicious highwayman, my crimes had brought me fame

-# Huh!

-Was stitched up by a postie

# That's not glamorous, that's lame

# Huh!

# No more stand and deliver You'll remember this I hope

# Huh!

# It's no fun hanging with highwaymen

# When you're hanging from a rope. #

Us DJ's sometimes do requests and here's one right here.

It says, "Please shut up and play the next song."

Right then! I'll, er...shut up and play the next song.

A little something from Victorian times.

# In good old Queen Victoria's day Industrial Revolution

# Meant bosses said please we need more employees

# We needed a solution

# Who will climb our chimneys Who will power our grids?

# Victorian families so desperately poor

# They'll let us employ their kids for...

-# Work, terrible work

-From very young ages

-# Up chimneys to clean

-Paid pitiful wages

-# Work terrible work

-Pins make you work faster

-# If we grow too big

-Get sacked by the master

# Now you're all in my employ

# Cleaning in the factory

-# We're not very strong

-And the hours are long

# This work is unsatisfactory!

# Learn not to get caught in spokes

# Or trap our hands in gauges

# To stop machines and get you out

# Will cost you one week's wages

THEY GASP

-# Work terrible work

-There's no health or safety

-# So if we get hurt

-They will just replace me

# Work terrible work... #

Sorry!

SHE WHISTLES

# Now that I am short of cash I have to pick pockets

# Wallets from gentlemen and ladies' lockets

# Small enough to get away Hardly ever caught

# And if we are, we're kids you see To cry is what we're taught... #

Boo-hoo!

# Work terrible work

# Dangerous and demeaning

-# No time to complain

-Get back to your cleaning

# Work terrible work

# Guess what we are dreaming?

# School glorious school

# Wonderful school Marvellous school

# Wish we went to...

# Scho-o-ol. #

And it wasn't just Victorian children who got a raw deal,

so did women.

Because only men were allowed to vote

and towards the end of Victoria's reign,

some women started protesting this was unfair, good day.

-We are the Suffragettes.

-Think you know some fierce girls?

You ain't heard nothing yet.

# A lass called Millie Fawcett founder of our cause

# Started the battle for our rights

# Argued the government to change the laws

# Here is how she stated our plight

# How come girls can't vote for rules that we have to obey

# When we work and pay taxes too

-# Parliament's reaction was...

-Oh, do go away!

# How dare they diss the Suffrage crew

# Suffragettes sing We're going to do this thing

# Peaceful protests started in 1903

# Got no reaction Needed drastic action

-# Got a new leader, Emmeline Pankhurst

-That's me!

# Burst down to parliament shouting votes for women

# Actions that were shocking and new

# Chain ourselves to Palace gates Tension was brimming

# On the WSPU

# Burned down churches, smashed up shops, attacked MPs

# The result, we were thrown in jail

# This made us more determined as you'll come to see

# Think we'd give up fighting? Hey, fail!

# Suffragettes sing Together we can win

# In prison we protested and went on hunger strike

# Men still said no But we just said yo!

# You won't stop us now... #

Miss Davison, please take the mic

# We became more extreme

# Derby Day, June 13

# In front of King and Queen committed sacrifice supreme

# Crept unseen between the teeming crowds watching the race

# And threw myself under a horse to try and make our case

# Became a famous martyr How did men react...? #

We can't give women votes if they're so stupid, they'll do that!

# Seemed our cause was lost when World War came along

# Our Suffragette reaction

# Was to wave our protest goodbye Farewell, so long

# To patriotic action

# Put down our banners saying give us votes, instead

# Supported the men's fight

# We worked to help them win the war, so guess what they said...? #

OK, ladies, you were right.

# Suffragettes sing, We've done it, ding ding

# At last those men can see they should treat us the same

# So all take note Now women can vote

# And it's thanks to those who fought

# In the Suffragette name. #

That's all from me, the MC.

My work here is done, been fun,

One last rhyme, see you next time.

The rat rules. And so, my friends, did this little lot.

Go on! I challenge you to learn the chorus. Ha-ha!

# I'm William the Conqueror My enemies stood no chance

# They call me the first English King although I come from France

# 1066, the Domesday Book, I gave to history

# So fat on death my body burst but enough about me

# To help remember all your Kings I've come up with this song

# A simple rhyming ditty for you all to sing alo-o-ong

# Oh!

# William...

Bit short, innit? We need more kings. Who came next?

# William II, cheeks were red Killed out hunting so it's said

-# I took over, Henry I

-That's my next eldest son

# Then King Stephen It's true, check it

# I, Henry II killed Thomas Beckett

# Richard Lionheart, that's right Always spoiling for a fight

# Oh, King John, what a disaster Rule restrained by Magna Carta

# William, William, Henry, Stephen Henry, Richard, John, oi!

# Time for my mate, King Henry eight to take up this song

# Henry III built the RB Ed I hated Scots

# A red hot poker killed Ed II That must have hurt him lots

# Edward III was a chivalry nerd Began the Hundred Years' War

# Then Richard II was king aged ten Then Henry, yes, one more

# King Henry IV, plots galore Not least from Henry V, why?

-# Killed ten score at Agincourt Then Henry VI arrived

-Waah!

# Edward IV, Edward V Richard III, he's bad

# Cos he fought wars with Henry VII First Tudor and my dad

# So Henry VIII, I was great Six wives, two were beheaded

# Edward VI came next but he died young and so my dreaded

-# Daughter Mary, ruled so scary then along came...

-Me!

# I'm Liz the first, I had no kids so Tudors RIP

# William, William, Henry, Stephen Henry, Richard, John, oi!

# Henry, Ed, Ed, Ed, Rich II Then three more Henrys join our song

# Edward, Edward, Richard III Henry, Henry, Ed again

-# Mary I, good Queen Bess

-That's me, time for more men

# James VI of Scotland next as English James I he led

# Then Stuarts ruled, so Charles I The one who lost his head

# No monarchy until came me Charles II, I liked to party

# King Jimmy II was scary, ooh! Then Mary was a smarty

# She ruled with Bill, their shoes were filled by sourpuss Anne Gloria

# And so from then you were ruled by men

# Till along came me, Victoria-a-a

# William, William, Henry, Stephen Henry, Richard, John, oi!

# Henry, Ed, Ed, Ed, Rich II, then three more Henry's join our song

# Edward, Edward, Richard III Henry, Henry, Ed again

# Mary I, good Queen Bess Jimmy, Charles and Charles again,

# Jim, Will, Mary, Anne Gloria

# Still to come it's Queen Victoria

-# And so began the Hanover gang George I and George II

-Grim!

-# George III was quite absurd

-Till I replaced old him

-# King George IV known henceforth As angry, fat and cross

-Hang on!

-# It's true you beat Napoleon but were mostly a dead loss

-Bang on!

-# Old William IV was a sailor

-Ahoy!

-It's nearly the end of the story-a

# On to the scene comes the best loved Queen

# Hail to Queen Victoria-a-a

# William, William, Henry, Stephen Henry, Richard, John, oi!

# Henry, Ed, Ed, Ed, Rich II and three more Henry's join our song

# Edward, Edward, Richard III Henry, Henry, Ed again

# Mary I, good Queen Bess Jimmy, Charles and Charles again,

# Jim, Will, Mary, Anne Gloria

# George, George, George, George Will, Victoria

# Victoria-a!

# Victoria-a! Victoria-a! #

I ruled for 64 years, you know.

# Ed VII, George V, Ed VIII

# George VI Bess II then reigned, and how!

# And so our famous monarch song's been brought right up to now

# O-o-oh!

# William, William, Henry, Stephen Henry, Richard, John, oi!

# Henry, Ed, Ed, Ed, Rich II and three more Henry's join our song

# Edward, Edward, Richard III Henry, Henry, Ed again

# Mary I, good Queen Bess, Jimmy Charles and Charles again

# Jim, Will, Mary, Anne Gloria

# George, George, George, George Will, Victoria

# Edward, George, Edward, George VI

# And Queen Liz II

# Completes the li-i-ist

# That's all the English kings and queens

# Since William I

# That there have be-e-en. #

# Tall tales, atrocious acts

# We gave you all the fearsome facts... #

Want some more Horrible Histories?

Then come with me down the time sewers.

Just go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories.

See you down there!