Episode 12 Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians

# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights, dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crime Punishments from ancient times

# Romans rotten, rank and ruthless,

# Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories we do that

# And your host a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

Seriously, why does it have to be me? All right, all right, all right!

I'll do it!

-You guys have to back me up, OK?

-Absolutely.

-Yes.

-We're right behind you.

-Cool.

-Yes?

-Good morning, sir. We were just wondering...

I was just wondering if, er...

p...possibly we, um...

We'd like a pay rise?

-I'm sorry. I thought you just said you wanted a pay rise.

-I did.

We want more money and better working conditions.

-Is this some peasant joke that I'm too rich to understand?

-No, no.

It's just, thanks to this terrible plague sweeping the country,

us peasants are dropping like flies.

Those of us who are left are quite valuable.

Valuable, indeed! What rubbish!

Really, some of us have had some rather tempting offers

-from other local knights in the area.

-Now, you listen to me,

you grubby little commoner.

You'll work my fields for pittance and be thankful,

otherwise I'll throw you off my land and give your job to...

What's that one called?

-Er, that's Phil.

-Phil!

Your job will go to Phil, got it?

PHIL COUGHS

Oh. Well, maybe not Phil.

He's just died of plague.

Otherwise, I'll give your job to...

-Um.... er, I want to say John?

-Roger.

Roger! I'll give your job to Roger. Understood?

ROGER COUGHS

-Oh.

-It's like I was telling you.

Healthy, reliable peasants are increasingly hard to find.

Hm. Oh, crone?

Is what this man says true?

CRONE COUGHS

Oh, I'll take that as a yes.

So, would now be a good time to start

discussing the new terms of my employment?

Fine! But you'd better not go dropping dead of plague after this!

Oh, no, Sir.

You don't need to worry about me. I'm as fit as a...

Oh, absolutely typical!

Well, luckily for you lot, I know my way round a...

three-pointy stick woody...

Oh, I'm kidding myself. I've no idea what this is called.

I know what it's for, though.

Who needs peasants?

The plague wasn't the only illness you had to worry about

in the Middle Ages.

Most of the time, we didn't know what we were suffering from.

There were some pretty strange symptoms going around.

GERMAN ACCENT: Don't miss out on ze latest dance craze

zat's taking the city of Strasbourg by storm!

Join ze hundreds of people who are literally dancing in ze streets!

It's Strasbourg, it's 1518 and everybody's dancing

and nobody knows why!

It's like zey've got...

Careful, it's catchy. By which I mean it's highly contagious.

Is it a disease? Is it mass hysteria?

Either way, you'll be dancing through ze night

and then through ze next day and then ze night

and then through ze day and then ze night

and the next day again. You get ze picture.

Once you start, you just can't stop.

You'll be dancing until you die from exhaustion.

Ja, bop till you drop with...

I've got dance fever, have you?

The dance craze lasted for a whole month -

and if you think it sounds just plain silly,

imagine watching your dad's most embarrassing dancing for a month.

See how serious it was now? Hm?

Why do mice need oiling?

Well, you can treat a lot of medical conditions

by putting oil in their diet.

What? Well, you tell me. Why do mice need oiling?

Because they squeak? Look, please stop calling this number!

Hello, I'm an Ancient Greek philosopher

and I'm looking to buy a tortoise to perform an experiment on.

Get out! I don't sell animals

for historical people to do nasty experiments on.

Oh, it's not a nasty experiment.

I simply need to see if it can beat the great Achilles in a race.

Well, it can't. It's a tortoise.

The only thing a tortoise can beat is a brick.

Ah, but what if Achilles...

-SQUEAKS

-..was to allow the tortoise...

-NO SOUND

-Oh. A 100 yard start. You see?

Then by the time he has run 100 yards,

the tortoise will have advanced another yard,

so Achilles will have had to run that extra yard.

By then, the tortoise is advanced again.

Every time Achilles reaches the place

where the tortoise previously was,

the tortoise has moved forward.

Only by a fraction, but forward nevertheless.

Meaning Achilles can never actually catch the tortoise.

Just a philosophical argument I'm working on.

Well, you're stupid, but you do sound harmless.

-Fine, you can have a tortoise.

-Brilliant!

Also, I was wondering, could I buy a goat, please,

if that's possible?

For another harmless experiment?

-HE LAUGHS

-No, no, it's a sacrifice.

-No.

-Oh, don't worry. I won't do it unless the animal agrees.

-How will you get a goat to agree with you?

-I'll ask its permission

and then sprinkle water on it's head until it looks like it's nodding.

Are you an idiot?

Are you leaving now?

-Oh!

-Right! Go on, then.

Do you know if there's another pet shop in the area?

Ancient Greeks really did get animals to agree to their fate

before sacrifice by sprinkling water on their heads to make them nod.

Fortunately, rats weren't exactly high

on any Greek god's sacrifice wish list. Ha!

Hey, and there was some unusual goings on

at this religious festival, as well.

Hey, Festival fans! I'm Fearne Polyester,

here in Ancient Greece to bring you what's happening

at the all-girl Thesmophoria Festival. Yay!

THEY SCREAM

These are my new BFFs -

Agatha and Helena. They are proper nuts.

So, are you having a good time?

Er, what does it look like, soup-for-brains?

That's not very nice, I was only asking.

That's part of the Festival! we insult each other!

Yeah, like, the ruder the better. Medusa Face!

-Oh, I see!

-Hey, what's the difference between you

and a plank of wood?

You're thicker!

What about this one?

What's the difference between your mum and a hydra?

One's a monster with poisonous breath and the other one's a hydra!

Yeah, OK. Let's leave it?

So, we've done the whole crazy Ancient Greek dissing thing.

-What's next?

-Cakes.

-Oh, wow!

-No, no. We're not going to eat them.

-Duh! We're going to bury them.

-Woo!

Yeah! What, really? You're going to bury the cakes?

-Then we're going to kill a pig!

-Oh, Killer Piggies! Is that a band?

No, thicko! We kill a pig and bury him with the cakes. Come on!

THEY SCREAM

-Don't worry, they're not going to.

-PIG SQUEALING

They really are! They're going to kill a pig!

Right, er... Woo!

They totally killed a pig and buried it!

Sorry, that's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.

-Hey, I dug up last year's!

-Oh, that's worse.

-We're not going to eat that, are we?

-No, that would be disgusting.

-We're spread it on the ground and sit in it!

-OK, that's ridiculous.

-You want me to sit in that, in these jeans?

-Yeah, come on! It'll be fun!

Yeah, and it'll please the gods!

-Are you kidding?

-No! What is your problem?

We do this every year, otherwise the crops'll fail and we'll starve!

OK, then! Let's do it! Woo-hoo!

THEY SQUEAL

Hm!

This is Fearne Polyester,

sitting in a load of rotten dead pigs and cake

-at the Thesmophoria Festival in Ancient Greece!

-Whoo!

If I've just been Punk'd, you are in so much trouble!

-When are Kasabian on?

-Who?

The Festival of Thesmophoria was only open to women,

but most Greek gatherings were only for men,

like the Ancient Greek Olympics and the Isthmian games.

And you join us here in Isthmia for this, the final race

in this year's thrilling Isthmian Games.

And here, about to cross the finish line in first place,

it looks like... Yes, it's Armando of Kos.

Armando, congratulations. That was a truly astonishing victory.

Thanks.

It was really hard work, but it's worth it

-for such a fantastic prize.

-Of course.

And here is your prize.

The incredible crown of celery.

What? Celery?

The prize is celery?

Yes, didn't you know?

No. I thought it was SALARY.

A yearly wage! Cash! Dosh! Wonga!

I'm in it for the money!

Ah. Well, the bad news is, your prize is, in fact, just a celery hat.

And what's the good news?

The good news is, I bought this delicious Greek dip.

Mm. Now, that is rich!

Hm. Sorry!

Yarrgh! We Celts were a fighting race,

so you might be surprised to find out

that we used to love a bit of poetry.

The greatest king in all the land

He ground his enemies into sand

He reigned supreme over the Irish

From lowly peasants To those more squirish

But there is one doubt, if I may sew it

He had few friends among the poets

For his name was Aed mac Ainmuirech

And none of them could make it rhyme.

Brilliant! You know what?

I was to have you killed after the poet bit,

but you pulled it out the bag. Now...

A piece of jewellery for your troubles.

Anything in the room, you have but to ask.

I like the look of that wheel brooch on your shoulder, Sire.

-What?

-Well, you said...

-I could pick anything in the room.

-I didn't mean anything!

No-one may ask for the King's brooch!

That is the most terrible crime in all the land.

You're banished from all Ireland.

No, scratch that! I'm banishing all poets from Ireland.

Proclaim it to the Kingdom. Go on.

From this moment, all poetry's banned.

Banishment to all who rhyme in this land.

What? That just rhymed.

You're a poet! Banished!

Oh, I'd advise against that, Sire.

Good heralds are hard to hire.

Argh! A poet! Banished!

Guard, arrest them all.

Who would you like me to chuck out first?

Which did you think was the worst?

Banished!

Right, that's it. I'm through. Be gone, the lot of you!

Oh, that rhymed! Those words you just spoke.

So they did.

I'll get me cloak.

It's true. That all happened in 574 AD,

when a poet asked for the King's jewellery.

Till St Colombus stepped in, all poets were banned.

But he convinced the King to let them stay in Ire-land.

I may be a rat, but I'm a poet at heart.

Now, what rhymes with that?

-Oh, I've got it - fart!

-RAT CACKLES

Most immature, aren't I? I do apologise.

Anyway, those Celts, they loved a good rhyme

but they also loved a good boast.

-ALL:

-Yeah!

100 Roman soldiers lay dead on the beach.

Who'd slain them?

I am the greatest warrior who has ever lived.

-ALL:

-Yeah!

Warriors! Hey, how's it going? I bring tidings of great victory.

Surely there is no warrior in the land who can match me, huh?

I am the most fearsome warrior to walk the lands of the living.

So, I think we've got a problem.

I think there's only one way to settle this.

-ALL:

-Boast battle!

THEY BEATBOX

# So let's clear the air Grab a chair

# I got flare when I fight a bear

# I rip off his skin for my wife to wear

# I did it for a dare I'm you're worst nightmare

# Look close, check out my facial hair

# Relax, face facts

# A fight with you would be an anticlimax

# When you go to war You don't take off your slacks

# Look at me, I'm tough I fight in the buff

-# I could say more, but I've said enough, so...

-Boast Battle!

-# Have some grace, shut your face

-Boast Battle!

# You're well off the pace

# Seems to me that you're not even skilled

# I'd stab you right now But I'm trying to chill.

# In a rage! On the rampage!

-# I've killed more men than old age, so...

-Boast Battle!

-# And I've only just begun

-Boast Battle!

# And I'm not even done

# You're just killing the enemy That's lazy

# I kill my own people I'm that crazy

# I go berserk and my eyes go glazy

# I get so mad I could stab a daisy... #

But I won't, cos that'd be stupid.

# All right, all right, Stop! Think a while

# Look at your style, man That's vile

# You look like you've been dressed by a reptile

# You're a steaming pot, I'm dressed like a king

# I wear a torc round my neck When I'm doing my killing

# And on my finger I'm wearing a ring

# When I said I fight nude I wasn't counting my bling, yo

-# Boast Battle!

-Oh, and I paint myself blue

-# Boast Battle!

-That is way cooler than you

# So what's better than you that you ought to bow?

# I'd offer to fight you But you wouldn't know how

# Enough of the talk, yeah? Let's end this now

# I can sum it all up in just one word... #

Ow!

Mum!

Ah, there! Stonehenge is finally finished.

-What do you think, boss?

-It is quite breathtaking.

A monument to truly delight our Gods.

It will be centuries before anyone manages to build

a more impressive structure.

There!

The pyramid is finally finished. Oh!

-What do you think, boss, huh?

-Ye-eah. It's all right, I suppose.

Not sure our Gods will be overly impressed by it,

but it'll do, I guess.

I've absolutely no idea how you managed to get that stone

five metres up on top of the other one. What a feat of engineering!

Actually, that stone near the top,

about 135 metres up on top of the 2 million other ones,

I don't think it's perfectly mathematically aligned.

-I shall have myself flogged.

-Good.

It's true! Stonehenge and the Great Pyramids of Giza

were built at about the same time.

It's thought the enormous pyramid was built as a burial tomb

for the Egyptian Pharaoh, Cheops.

Yeah. Me, I'll be lucky if I get buried in a tin can. Hee!

But it's anyone's guess what Stonehenge was built for.

# Lots of things in history are actually a mystery

# The truth's not always in the books you read

# Facts can get distorted or even mis-reported

# Imagine if that was all down to me

# Cliff White Lies! #

-It's Whiteley!

-Sorry.

Yeah, yeah. So, it's a yes to Wellington boots,

but a no to Napoleon flip-flops.

Done!

Wallop!

Cliff, I've got an early man in reception for you.

Well, if he's early, tell him he'll have to wait.

-No, no. He's an early man. He's from the Stone Age.

-Oh, right, yeah.

Show him in please, Sue.

Mr Man! Cliff Whiteley.

Telling it how it wasn't.

Please, take a chair.

Oh, right. It's like a stone,

but it's more comfortable and with a back.

Oh, that is... That is nice!

So, what can I didgeridoo for you, pal?

-Well, it's about Stonehenge, Cliff.

-Love the place!

Favourite henge, hands down.

Got a piccie on the wall and everything.

-There seems to be some confusion about what it's for.

-Yeah.

Now, don't take this the wrong way, me old Stone Age mucker,

but at the end of the day,

it's just a bunch of 5,000-year-old stones, innit?

No-one would be interested if we couldn't argue about it,

so I cooked up a few ridiculous theories over the years

and now, your rock garden has gone down in history.

Oh, yeah. Back in the Middle Ages,

I had Geoffrey of Monmouth claim that it was built

on a mountain in Ireland by giants.

-What?

-And then magicked over to England by Merlin the Wizard.

That's nonsense.

We built it where it is now.

-We hauled all the rocks over from Wales.

-Don't matter, mate!

Don't matter! It stirs up an interest, see what I mean?

Over the years, I've had historians suggest it was an 'ouse,

a concert hall, a Roman temple...

Hey, we even spread it about that it was built by aliens.

-People believe this rubbish?

-People believe anything you tell them.

Don't eat that, it's made of woodlice.

CLIFF LAUGHS

-See what I mean?

-Oh, I see!

Why not tell people the truth?

Stop all this messing around.

Well, that's cos, um, I...

-can't remember.

-So, hang on.

You invented these wild theories about Stonehenge

and you don't even know what it's for?

I wouldn't quite put it like that. I... Yeah, basically.

-Come on, I'll tell you.

-Really?

HE WHISPERS

Whoa! No!

And what did you do with all the jelly?

Waaa-llop!

And now, an advertising intermission

from Ancient Mexico.

'Is your padded armour past its best?

'Do you need a new set, but don't have any needles or thread or cloth?

'Then help is at hand, with the new...

'It's a cactus!

'Yes, that's right. You can make needles from the spines,

'and thread and cloth from the skin.

'Plus, if you don't like the colour, you can use the cactus to make dye.

'That's the new...

'Available in one not-easy-to-carry pack.

'Are you starving hungry,

'but don't have anything to eat or anything to cook it on?

'Then help is at hand, with the new...

'It's a cactus!

'Yes, that's right. Stewed cactus is delicious.

'And to cook it, just use some more cactus.

'If you need something to wash down your meal,

'why not try some cactus wine?

'That's the new...

'with free toothpicks.

'Do you have a hole in the roof?

'Then help is at hand, with the new...

'Bet you thought I'd say cactus.

'Well, you're right! It's a cactus!

'Just dry out some cactus to use as roof tiles,

'then pulp more cactus to make a glue to stick them down.

'There's nothing you can't do with a cactus...

'apart from use it as a seat.'

Say, have you tried this new Aztec chewing gum?

-No, but I'd love to.

-Then do!

Hey! This chewing gum is great. What's it called?

-Chuckle.

-Chuckle?

-That's right, chuckle.

Made from the sticky resin of the sapodilla tree.

-Tree, seriously? You're making me eat tree?

-That's right!

Chuckle Chewing Gum is made from tree resin, mixed with tar

-and crushed insects.

-Oh!

That's OK, then. I like crushed insects.

# Chuckle resin Chuckle, chuckle resin

# Chuckle resin Chuckle, chuckle resin. #

-Chew me.

-Chew you.

-Chew me.

-Chew you.

-Chew me.

-Chew you.

# Chuckle resin

# Chuckle, chuckle resin. #

And it also works as a glue!

Keep smiling!

I will. I can't move my mouth.

-Seriously?

-Yeah, seriously.

# Chuckle resin

# Chuckle, chuckle resin. #

The answer is...

"C", but those were actually all Stuart punishments.

I'll be up in a minute!

Hello, and welcome to Horrible Points of View.

We start with a whole bag full of letters from a Mr Stuart Era.

He's certainly been busy! What's that?

Oh, now I feel stupid.

It's THE Stuart Era. The Stuart Era.

Not everyone in the Stuart Era seems to have been happy

about travelling actors performing in the marketplace at York.

Here's what one man thought.

All plays be sinful.

Sinful, I tell thee.

Damned be all those who perform this heathen entertainment.

That from Mr Fightthegoodfightoffaith.

I'm guessing he's a Puritan. They're not so into fun.

He went on to say...

Although I thoroughly enjoyed the bit

where they were put in the stocks for being travelling actors

and whipped to within an inch of lives.

Did I just say I enjoyed it?

Having fun is sinful. I must be punished.

I think that's enough Stuarts.

Next time, the mailbag's from the Egyptian period.

See you, then.

That doesn't make any sense to me. Can you read that?

Yes, punishments were extreme in Stuart times,

so you wouldn't have wanted to be in Colonel Blood's shoes

when he got caught for the most daring crime of his day -

trying to steal the Crown Jewels from the Tower of London.

Oh, I can't look!

-Good morning, your Majesty.

-Not so loud, Sotheby, please.

I had a rather major un-birthday party last night.

Anyway, what's in the diary for today?

Well, Sire... Ahem!

I'm pleased to report the man who tried to steal the Crown Jewels

was caught. You might like to sentence him yourself.

You mean I get to play judge?

-Sounds like fun. Do I get a wig?

-You already have a wig, your Majesty.

So I have.

-Send him in.

-Bring in the prisoner!

Are you Colonel Thomas Blood?

Indeed I am, Sir.

The proud mastermind behind a crime of such dastardly daring

as to truly befit a King.

Ooh, he's very impressive. You're very impressive, aren't you?

-Thank you, your Majesty.

-Don't forget,

he's also a violent criminal, your Majesty.

He tried to steal the Crown Jewels from the Tower of London.

And a gallant attempt it was too.

The perfect crime, in all but one detail.

-Which is?

-It didn't work.

How so? What happened?

We managed to subdue the Master of the Jewel House

-without a problem.

-By subdue, you mean...?

-Hit him on the head with a mallet.

-Ah yes, that'll do it!

-Indeed.

And then, we grabbed the jewels, hid them beneath our clothes

and made for our escape.

However, it turns out that the Master of the Jewel House

was not adequately subdued.

-Meaning?

-We didn't hit him hard enough.

He started screaming "Treason, treason!"

Within minutes, we were captured.

Wow, how exciting!

But, tell me, how did you hide

the entire Crown Jewels underneath your clothing?

We had to make a few alterations.

Alterations?

Well, that's the Crown there,

for example.

Had to flatten that out a bit with a mallet!

Here's the Sceptre and the Cross.

That's the other half there.

Had to cut that in two to get it in the bag, you follow?

And the Sovereign Orb is, er...

It's a little bit dented.

Probably a little bit sweaty.

You've destroyed my Crown Jewels!

That's punishable by death.

They're worth over £100,000!

Well? What do you have to say for yourself, man?

Er, I'll give you £6,000 for the lot, not a penny more.

HE TITTERS

HE LAUGHS

Oh, how can you stay mad at someone who's so funny!

In fact,

-(I think we should let him off!)

-W-what?

Well, he's a character, isn't he? He's a lovable rogue.

Yes, I'm going to let you off...

Oh, thank you, your Majesty.

..and give you your own estate in Ireland.

-What?

-Yes, a nice big one.

And what else? Ooh!

You must come round to the Palace for tea.

-Your Majesty!

-You can regale us with your funny stories.

I've got a fantastic one about the time I was plotting to kill you!

Did you succeed? No, no, no! Don't tell me.

I'll wait until you come round. See you soon!

Not if I see you first!

Oh, he's got it! I don't know what it is,

-but he's got it. I love him.

-Your majesty,

Do you think it's a good idea to give large country estates

-to people purely because they make you laugh?

-I don't see why not.

-Knock, knock.

-Not going to work, Sothers.

-Not going to work.

-Oh.

# Tall tales, atrocious acts,

# We gave you all the fearsome facts... #

Psst! Can you keep a secret?

Me neither. I've found some great games in the time sewers.

Want to come and play? Then go to the CBBC website

and click on Horrible Histories. See you there!

# Horrible Histories. #