Episode 10 Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishments from ancient times

# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to... #

Hello and welcome to the News At When. When? The Middle Ages.

It's 1071, and in East Anglia, Hereward the Wake

has led a Saxon revolt against the Normans.

William the Conqueror has all but crushed the rebellion

but one last pocket of resistance still remains.

We go over now live to join our war correspondent, Mike Peabody. Mike.

I'm here with William the Conqueror, King of England.

Well, I say King of England,

but, er, you're not quite king of all of it.

No, not quite all.

That's because rebels are still holding the Isle of Ely.

Well, I'm conquering that at the moment, actually.

Should be conquered any minute.

You see, we tracked the English rebel Hereward

to a camp on the island,

but unfortunately, it's surrounded by...um...

how you say? Er...boggy marshland.

Boggy marshland.

Boggy marshland, yes.

So I had the brilliant idea

of building a mile-long wooden pontoon across the marshes

which my army can then march across in complete safety.

What is it now?!

It turns out an army is quite heavy,

and the pontoon simply collapsed. Bof.

Well, what idiot thought of that idea?

-Er...

-Don't, don't.

I presume there's a plan B?

Well, of course there's a plan B.

Which is?

That's right, witches. But I think one witch ought to do it, don't you?

Witch!

I do have a name, you know.

I have built a wooden tower overlooking the island. The witch...

Susan.

..will then climb up the tower and from a high vantage point

curse Hereward and his rebel friends on the island,

who will then, you know, die and rot and turn into frogs and toads

and all those sorts of thing,

leaving me free to take Ely for the Normans!

Sounds like a good plan, eh?

Well, it certainly sounds like a plan.

Get thee to thy tower, witch!

A please would be nice.

Witches!

A curse on thee, rebels of Ely!

May thine eyes bubble and boil in thy skulls

and may thine feet turn into limp lettuce

or similarly un-foot-like vegetation.

May thine pets do that thing when visitors come round where they...

RUSTLING

-Oh, hello, excuse me.

-Ah... Ah...

Oh, dear, the Saxon rebels are setting fire to the tower.

We can discuss this. I could be a double agent.

Yeah, I could curse in the other direction!

Well, then, you leave me no choice!

Right. This is Mike Peabody, up a burning tower,

with a witch who's showing her bottom,

really wishing he was somewhere else. Actually, anywhere else.

Please.

Oh!

That's all 100% accu-rat.

The Normans built a wooden tower for a witch to curse the Saxons

and she showed them her bottom.

The Saxons got their revenge by burning the tower down.

Hence the old saying, "Red sky at night, witch's bottom alight."

The Normans also built a lot of stone churches in England,

usually to say sorry to God for something they'd done.

'Normanopoly, the board game that lets you invade England

'just like William the Conqueror!'

OK, I'm King, bagsy me be the crown.

Bagsy the ship.

-Why do I always have to be the wild pig?

-Too slow.

-Ha-ha!

'Your chance to experience all the thrills of conquering England!'

Oh, I've landed on Hastings and brutally killed thousands of Saxons.

Best build a church, show God I'm sorry.

Actually, I did spill an awful lot of blood. Best make it an abbey.

'And if you don't like the names of the towns you can just rename them.'

Excellent! I'm now the Baron of Snottingham.

Just take off the S and call it Nottingham.

Much better. Wooden castle.

'Do you have what it takes to keep England conquered?'

Actually, better upgrade to a stone castle. Might last longer.

'Are you ruthless enough to deal with disgruntled Anglo-Saxons?'

Community card, my favourite.

"The English are rebelling in the north."

"You have to wipe out the entire community."

Oh, you've got to love this game!

'And the great thing is, you can just make up the rules as you go along!'

I think I'll collect 200 silver coins from the villagers as tax.

Cheeky so-and-so.

'Normanopoly. There's no such thing as playing fair.'

Oh, I'd better build another church.

I'm about to do something really bad.

HE CACKLES

You need to work on your evil laugh, boss.

What is wrong with it?

'Normanopoly. Satisfaction guaranteed, or your country back.'

Never going to happen.

Some of our great Greek thinkers were a tad unusual,

and none more so than Diogenes.

Hey! What do you think you're doing?

Oh, sorry, mate. I had no idea there was a naked man in the barrel.

Why is there a naked man in the barrel?

Why are you naked in a barrel?

Because I believe that human society has overcomplicated

the simple beauty of nature,

so I have rejected the trappings of society,

including all material possessions.

These days, it's just me and my barrel.

Hang on, aren't you Diogenes, the famous philosopher and total weirdo?

Total weirdo, you say?

Oh, what are you doing, what are you doing?

You insulted me, so I'm weeing on you.

Oh, you can't do that!

-Says who?

-Says society.

I don't believe in society.

Yeah, you just said that, didn't you?

-All right, hang on, what's that?

-What?

That bowl is a material possession.

Man's gotta drink, man.

All right, well, what about that child over there?

Not that one, that one!

She doesn't need a bowl to drink water,

she's using her hands, which makes that a needless material procession.

Good point.

Right, so now you're a smug weirdo.

Did you just call me a smug weirdo?

Oh, no! All right, I take it back, I take it back!

-You're not a smug weirdo, OK?

-Thank you.

-Hey!

-You're a filthy smug weirdo.

And what you going to do about that, eh?

Can't wee on me now, can you?

Well, let's just say when I'm really offended I switch to plan B.

HE FARTS

Oh, you're an animal!

No wait, give it a minute, just need a minute.

Oh, no. Oh, that has, in a very literal sense, backfired.

That's right, Diogenes lived, weed and pooed in a barrel.

Perfectly decent behaviour... if you're a rat.

Another super-smart Greek was Pythagoras,

and he was a bit of a funny fish as well.

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths They're funny cos they're true

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #

-And then I said, "That's another fine

-mesh

-you've got me into!"

HE LAUGHS

Fine mesh! Because I was wearing chainmail!

HE LAUGHS

Oh, maybe you had to be there. Next.

Name?

Pythagoras, Greek philosopher and mathematician.

Oh, ding-a-ling-a-ling! Your name rings a bell!

Aren't you the fellow who invented the triangle formula thingy?

Pythagoras' theorem.

That's the one! Oh, don't tell me, I know this.

The square of the thingamajig is equal to the two sides

of the hippopotamus when it's sitting at a cute angle.

Nearly. The square of the hypotenuse of a right angled triangle

is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides.

Hm, you lost me at hippopotamus, mate.

Come on, then, on with your story.

I hope it's easier to understand than your theory.

Right. Well, I started a religious movement known as Pythagoreanism.

Yeah, we had a set of quite unusual rules.

Never touch a white cockerel, never stand on your fingernail clippings

and never, ever touch beans.

Oh, beans can be a bit...peuw! Just ask Louis.

-HE LAUGHS

-I'm joking.

Although you are a bit whiffy. You are!

Well, anyway, not everybody liked my little club.

In fact, some people even wanted me dead.

Go on.

One day, I was being chased by some would-be assassins.

Well, I was easily outstripping them, I'm quite fit.

I got to a field. The only trouble was it was a bean field.

And?

We Pythagoreans aren't allowed to touch beans, so I refused to go in.

And?

They caught up with me and they killed me.

-You got...?

-Yeah.

-Because...

-HE LAUGHS

You've been stupid,

-or rather, you've

-bean

-stupid. "bean" with an A.

DEATH LAUGHS

Well done, you're through to the afterlife.

Run along now. As in runner bean - runner bean along now!

That's good, yeah!

-Oh, enjoy!

-Ta-ta.

Well, I think that's it for the day, that's a wrap.

Because of the bandages! Oh, I'm wasted here.

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #

But if they fell asleep at work they were dunked in water,

and if they tried to run away, they were put in leg irons.

It really wasn't very easy being poor in Victorian times.

'This week on Historical Wife Swap,

'the Tombleby-Pumblechooks of Mayfair will be doing a wife swap with...

'the Smikes from the London slum.

'But how will these two extremes of the British class system get on?'

Wow!

Forgive my excitement, sir,

but I've never been in such a grand house before.

Of course not.

There's never been one single poor person inside this house, ever.

Well, unless one counts the staff.

The butler, the valet, the cook and the housekeeper...

..ladies' maid, the nursemaid, the housemaid and the scullery maid,

the footman, the parlour maid, the outhouse maid and the gardeners.

Oh, dash it all, Perkins!

Yes, sir?

We have guests and there's a crease in the newspaper!

I shall iron it forthwith, sir.

Honestly. Can't get the staff these days.

'Meanwhile, in the London slum...' BABY WAILS

Excuse me, has anybody seen a Mr Smike?

Mrs Pombleby-Tumblepook?

Tombleby-Pumblechook.

Fumbleby-Pombleydook. Er, yes, I'm Mr Smike.

Don't touch me. I would have knocked but there wasn't a door.

We chucked the doors on the fire to keep warm.

Of course. I'm pleased to see you have plenty of staff.

Oh no, no, no. We all lives here.

All of you? In this one room?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Joneses lived up the road

until their slum got pulled down to make a new street, yeah.

This is Mrs Rumblebly-Fonglewook.

Tombleby-Pumblechook.

-How do?

-Don't touch me.

The Smiths lived next door until their slum got pulled down.

This is Mrs Tombleby-Bottomcheek.

-It's a pleasure.

-Don't touch me.

Right. I see there's a little bit more room over there.

Aaagh! A dead body!

Oh, yeah, so there is.

If we scrape him up, you'll have somewhere to kip for the night.

'Meanwhile, in Mayfair, Mrs Smike is impressed

'by Mr Tombleby-Pumblechook's new gadget.'

What's this?

Oh, this is new. It's a Victorian invention

for automatically making you tea in the morning.

You might call it a teasmade.

Can't work it myself, though, have to get a maid to set it for me,

you might call her a teasmade maid!

Do you have anything new?

I've got TB.

SHE COUGHS

OK.

I found out how come these posh people keep their houses so warm.

They burn up more than half a ton of coal per day.

That's more coal than we have in a year! By half a ton!

'It's six in the morning, and Mrs Tombleby-Pumblechook

'has been taken along to see what it's like

'to do Mrs Smike's job in the match factory.'

Oh, what is that unholy stench?

Afraid that's me, ma'am.

Yeah, she's got a phossy jaw.

-Explain.

-Well, the white phosphorus there, that's to put on match heads.

It's poisonous, makes your jaw swell and your bones rot,

hence the stench.

Shouldn't you go and see a doctor?

I did, but he refused to treat me. Said I smelt too bad.

Well, he has got a point.

Anyway, that's enough work. Let's all go home.

Shift's not over for another 12 hours.

See what you've done?

Do you know, these miserable, smelly people

have to work seven days a week? They don't even get weekends off.

No wonder they're so miserable and smelly.

We're all just here, you know. We can hear you.

I know. Ergh.

'The wife swap is at an end,

'and it's time for them to settle their differences.'

Yes, this wife swap has been quite an eye-opener for both of us.

You live in the most squalid and revolting conditions imaginable,

and you have to work every day just to survive.

Indeed we do, Mrs Tombley-Hombly- Hombly-Hombly-Crumbleduke.

From now on, you'll be living somewhere totally different.

Yes. My man found this lump of coal in your pocket.

Well, I didn't think you'd miss just one lump.

Well, we did, and so you're both going to jail.

Gotcha!

Perkins, throw this away, would you? A poor person's touched it.

Victorian slums were squalid and disease-ridden,

with overflowing toilets and often more than 20 living in the one room.

Which is what we rats

-call a dream home!

-HE LAUGHS

Yeah. Sorry.

Our brave Saxon warriors were afraid of no man.

Though that doesn't mean they weren't scared of anything.

Affelgriff, son of Griffelaff, shall we journey north?

Aye, Edrick, son of Cedric, for there, we shall fight!

We must fight the enemy!

We will cleave their skulls and cut out their hearts!

BOTH: Death to all invaders!

We must journey through the hills.

Aye, the hills!

-Whoa, not the hills, no.

-Not the hills?

We can't go through the hills, that's where dragons are.

Big, slimy serpents and nasty fire-breathing ones.

-Oh, yeah. Wyrms and dracas. I've seen them.

-You haven't?

Yeah, I have! Well, I thought I did. Well, it was quite dark, actually.

Very well. Let us go around the lake, then!

The lake! Whoa, not the lake! Scared of lakes, full of monsters.

-Huh, water monsters? All right, we'll avoid the lake.

-Yeah.

-And yet we must fight!

-Aye. Let us travel through the forest.

The forest! Whoa, whoa, no, no, no.

-Scared of the forest.

-Why?

Full of elves and spirits shooting at you with little arrows.

-I've seen them!

-You haven't?

Yeah. Well a friend of mine did. Well, he said he did.

No, we must journey through the rocks!

-OK, the rocks!

-The rocks.

Oh, hey, hey, are you crazy insane? I'm not going through the rocks.

Giants live in the rocks.

Have you seen one?

No, but I've seen things they've built. Big, huge things!

What, you mean the rocks?

Speak not of them!

All right, we'll avoid the forest and the stony things.

-And yet we must go north!

-Aye!

I'll tell you what, why don't we go across the country and up,

you know, through East Anglia?

Yeah, that's a good idea.

BOTH: Death to all invaders!

Hey, hey, whoa, whoa. East Anglia, that's where the scuccas are.

Oh, yeah, and who wants to meet

an enormous black dog with blazing, fiery eyes?

As big as a horse.

I'm so scared of those big black dogs.

BOTH: Rrrraaaaargh!

Hey, I've got an idea, I've got an idea.

Why don't we wait for the invaders to come south,

and that way we don't have to travel north?

Oh, do you know, I'd much prefer that.

For we are the mightiest of warriors!

Aye, afraid of no man. Ah, what's that?

I think it's just an earthworm.

-Are you sure? I mean, it could be a little baby dragon.

-Ah!

We must face this situation as Saxon warriors.

-What, you mean run away?

-Yeah, run away.

-Run!

-Run!

-Run!

-Run!

Not that way, not that way. Run this way.

This way. This way!

-No, not that way, this way.

-This way.

-Run!

-This way! Are you sure?

It's true, Saxon warriors were very superstitious

and believed in all sorts of monsters and demons.

Though earthworms aren't baby dragons.

No, they're a delicious starter, if slightly tickly.

Yeah, Saxon men are not without their shortcomings.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Historical Dates.

Finding love is no mystery when you've got all of history.

You're looking for a handsome knight with a castle.

I can offer you a caveman with a...um...cave.

Oh, fair enough.

Karen, have you stepped in something?

-No, I thought you had.

-No.

Hello, ladies!

I am young, Anglo-Saxon and looking for love.

-Welcome to Historical Dates.

-Take a seat.

-Thank you.

-Actually, I meant that one over there.

-OK.

That's a bit weird.

Actually, this seat looks a lot more comfortable. It is, thank you.

Right, let's take down a few details.

Sorry, I just feel a bit faint.

Yeah, I have that effect on the ladies.

They call me Lar the Lady-killer.

Yeah, I bet you knock 'em dead.

Well, I like to think I'm a bit of a catch. Got my own home, so...

-Is it a cave?

-No, I built it myself.

It's made of reeds, straw, mud and animal dung.

-Right, how many rooms?

-Just the one.

-Where do you go toilet?

-Just outside.

He's worse than that student you went out with.

I take it you live on your own?

No, I live with my beloved Bessie. She keeps me warm at night.

You've got a wife already?

Bessie's not my wife, Bessie's my goat.

She sleeps in the house along with the pigs and the ducks.

And the fleas.

Can I ask a personal question?

Sagittarius.

Not that one. Do Anglo-Saxons ever wash at all?

Once a year.

You have a bath once a year?

What do you think I am? Some kind of Viking?

They bathe and comb their hair once a week and do they get the chicks?

Actually, they do.

So just to recap, you only have a bath once a year,

your house is made of poo,

with animals pooing in it,

and when you need a poo you just do it in your garden.

Anyway, enough about me.

You, with the disgusted loo,

tell me, what are you doing this night?

Washing my hair.

-Really?

-Mm-hmm.

-Oh.

Well, you're not my type at all. It's a shame.

OK, girls. Laters.

Do you want your skin to look this good?

Then you need to try the ultimate exfoliating experience -

new keel hauling, the pirate skincare revolution.

Keel hauling will remove all that unsightly skin.

Actually, it removes most of your skin.

All you need is a pirate vessel, a long rope,

lots of sea and an angry captain.

Captain, I've got your...

Shiver me timbers, you bilge rat!

Let's see how you enjoy some keel hauling!

Anything but that!

Here's how it works.

The rope is fixed to your legs, you're thrown overboard

and hauled under the hull and over the keel of the ship,

then pulled up on the other side to reveal the new you.

Thanks to the secret ingredient, barnacles,

keel hauling has never been so painful.

You can really see the difference.

And don't miss our exclusive introductory offer.

Get keel hauled this month and get thrashed

by a cat o' nine tails whip

absolutely free!

-I think he's missed a bit.

-HE LAUGHS

Warning - being keel hauled can result in death.

Being whipped by a cat o' nine tails can result in death.

Being a pirate will probably result in death.

Ow!

What's up, landlubbers?

Now, The Pirate Channel's going underground,

well, below deck, anyway, as we meet the baddest pirate of them all.

It's time for HHTV Cribs.

Yo, yo, yo, yo, HHTV!

My name's Blackbeard, and this here is my crib,

the Queen Anne's Revenge, and I loves her.

Mwah!

Mmm, salty!

Made in Britain, but on the inside

it's got kind of a classic French vibe.

That's because the French stole it off the British

and then we stole it off the French!

So when we nicked her she was a French merchant ship,

but we needed a pirate ship,

so we pimped her up, changed the logo.

The old one was whack!

We kept the chef, though. Those dudes can cook it up.

Check out the music system.

FLUTE PLAYS

Oh yeah, proper banging, that.

Yo, this is the booty room. This is where I keep my gold. Blinging!

Sugar. sweet!

And my medicine - sick!

Or rather, not so sick.

Got to show you the toilet I put in for the crew.

State of the art!

It basically a rope cage over the ocean.

They love a poo with a view.

You all right, Francois?

-Bonjour.

-Lunch smells good. What you cooking?

Meat filled with maggots followed by biscuits covered in weevils.

The food always kind of rots

once we've been at sea for a few weeks.

Bleugh!

Put some cannons in. Got 40 of these bad boys. Ow.

Over here, we've got some homies chilling out.

What's up?

Help! My name is Percival, I've been kidnapped by Blackbeard...

I love this guy. He cracks me up!

Here he is, here's the man himself, Israel Hands. Say hello, Israel.

All right?

Ow!

That was just for fun.

When you're in battle,

you've got to get your swagger-jagger on!

This is my room, this is where I keep all my nice rich clothes.

I stole them off people I killed.

That's quite a nice scarf you got there.

-CAMERAMAN: What?

-Can I have a quick look at it?

Hey, where are you going?

Ah, I'm out of here!

Blackbeard was a truly evil man, and he met an appropriately horrid end.

In 1780, he was killed in a battle at sea,

his head was chopped off and his headless body thrown into the sea.

Blackbeard, RIP.

-Or rather,

-Arrr

-IP!

When Henry VIII died, his son Edward became King at the age

of just nine, and even a king needed to have an education.

Oh, come, come, King Edward,

every young monarch should have a firm grasp of the Classics.

So translate into Latin for me, "Latin isn't difficult."

Um, I know this one, Mr Cheek.

Get this wrong, and somebody's going to get a jolly good whipping.

Latin not difficultus?

Wrong. You were given fair warning. Bend over, boy.

Ow!

You're just lucky I'm not allowed to strike a Royal.

So I shall ask you one more time, sire,

what is the Latin for, "Latin isn't difficult?"

Latin non difficultorum?

Wrong! Bend over, whipping boy.

-Sorry, Barnaby.

-Ow!

"Latinum linguum loqui non est difficilissimum."

See? Latin isn't difficult.

No, Mr Bumcheek.

-What was that?

-No, Mr Cheek.

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt this time, but know this.

I will not be made to look like a buffoon in my own classroom,

even by a Tudor king.

Of course not.

Good. So long as that's clear.

BOYS TITTER

Hmmm.

It wasn't all bad being a king or prince's whipping boy.

You stood to be richly rewarded in later life

for taking all the beatings.

Sadly, Edward VI died when he was still just a teenager,

so no rewards for his whipping boy, Barnaby Fitzpatrick.

Or, to give him his full name, Barnaby Sore Bottom Fitzpatrick.

And when Edward passed away, along came his half-sister,

Mary I.

# King Henry VIII, my father, hoped I'd have some Tudor brothers

# Mum had no sons, so rather I got plenty of stepmothers

# When at last Prince Ed was born The crown I bid adieu

# They said as King he must be sworn Boys go first in the queue

# But there's no need to worry if at first you don't succeed

# When Ed died, I swept aside the rest, and was decreed

# Mary I, that's me

# Tudor lady and Queen of England

# Not to be confused with Mary, Queen of Scots

# Not the same, see, though weirdly

# She's a cousin to me

# Some tried to say Lady Jane Grey should be Queen after Ed

# But England wanted me, hooray! So poor Jane lost her head

# The Protestants were saying that my ruling made them sick

# Cos when it came to praying my tastes were Catholic

# They revolted, challenged me, fuelled my great desire

# To tie 300 to a stake, light touch paper, then retire

# Mary I, that's me

# Called the Bloody Queen of England

# Not what I intended Tried to be good, you see

# But history only remembers

# I was a catastrophe

# Married Philip, King of Spain, who then left me

# England thought he was a pain

# Especially cos he told me to attack France with troops

# And when the French advanced we lost Calais - oops!

# Throughout my reign It rained and rained

# It poured upon the poor

# The harvest failed No food remained

# And flu killed many more

# Burned protestants and wed a fool Led armies to defeat

# Burned more Prots, I'd say my rule was short but not that sweet

# I had no kids, named half-sis Liz as big Queen Bess to be

# So long as she would rule the land as a Catholic Queen like me

# Lizzie didn't listen She made the country Protestant

# Meaning my legacy was ruined, see?

# Everything I tried to achieve

# Went down the swanee. #

Bit embarrassing, really.

# Tall tales, atrocious acts, we gave you all the fearsome facts... #

If you enjoyed that, why not come and play?

Go to the CBBC Website and click on Horrible Histories. See you there!

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #