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# Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights | 0:00:04 | 0:00:07 | |
# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians | 0:00:07 | 0:00:09 | |
# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishments from ancient times | 0:00:09 | 0:00:12 | |
# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless | 0:00:12 | 0:00:15 | |
# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages | 0:00:15 | 0:00:17 | |
# Gory stories, we do that | 0:00:17 | 0:00:20 | |
# And your host, a talking rat | 0:00:20 | 0:00:23 | |
# The past is no longer a mystery | 0:00:23 | 0:00:25 | |
# Welcome to... # | 0:00:25 | 0:00:27 | |
Hello and welcome to the News At When. When? The Middle Ages. | 0:00:41 | 0:00:46 | |
It's 1071, and in East Anglia, Hereward the Wake | 0:00:46 | 0:00:49 | |
has led a Saxon revolt against the Normans. | 0:00:49 | 0:00:52 | |
William the Conqueror has all but crushed the rebellion | 0:00:52 | 0:00:56 | |
but one last pocket of resistance still remains. | 0:00:56 | 0:00:59 | |
We go over now live to join our war correspondent, Mike Peabody. Mike. | 0:00:59 | 0:01:04 | |
I'm here with William the Conqueror, King of England. | 0:01:04 | 0:01:08 | |
Well, I say King of England, | 0:01:08 | 0:01:09 | |
but, er, you're not quite king of all of it. | 0:01:09 | 0:01:11 | |
No, not quite all. | 0:01:11 | 0:01:13 | |
That's because rebels are still holding the Isle of Ely. | 0:01:13 | 0:01:16 | |
Well, I'm conquering that at the moment, actually. | 0:01:16 | 0:01:19 | |
Should be conquered any minute. | 0:01:19 | 0:01:20 | |
You see, we tracked the English rebel Hereward | 0:01:20 | 0:01:23 | |
to a camp on the island, | 0:01:23 | 0:01:25 | |
but unfortunately, it's surrounded by...um... | 0:01:25 | 0:01:28 | |
how you say? Er...boggy marshland. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:30 | |
Boggy marshland. | 0:01:30 | 0:01:31 | |
Boggy marshland, yes. | 0:01:31 | 0:01:33 | |
So I had the brilliant idea | 0:01:33 | 0:01:35 | |
of building a mile-long wooden pontoon across the marshes | 0:01:35 | 0:01:38 | |
which my army can then march across in complete safety. | 0:01:38 | 0:01:41 | |
What is it now?! | 0:01:41 | 0:01:44 | |
It turns out an army is quite heavy, | 0:01:44 | 0:01:47 | |
and the pontoon simply collapsed. Bof. | 0:01:47 | 0:01:49 | |
Well, what idiot thought of that idea? | 0:01:49 | 0:01:52 | |
-Er... -Don't, don't. | 0:01:52 | 0:01:54 | |
I presume there's a plan B? | 0:01:54 | 0:01:55 | |
Well, of course there's a plan B. | 0:01:55 | 0:01:57 | |
Which is? | 0:01:57 | 0:01:58 | |
That's right, witches. But I think one witch ought to do it, don't you? | 0:01:58 | 0:02:01 | |
Witch! | 0:02:01 | 0:02:02 | |
I do have a name, you know. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:04 | |
I have built a wooden tower overlooking the island. The witch... | 0:02:04 | 0:02:09 | |
Susan. | 0:02:09 | 0:02:10 | |
..will then climb up the tower and from a high vantage point | 0:02:10 | 0:02:14 | |
curse Hereward and his rebel friends on the island, | 0:02:14 | 0:02:18 | |
who will then, you know, die and rot and turn into frogs and toads | 0:02:18 | 0:02:21 | |
and all those sorts of thing, | 0:02:21 | 0:02:22 | |
leaving me free to take Ely for the Normans! | 0:02:22 | 0:02:25 | |
Sounds like a good plan, eh? | 0:02:25 | 0:02:26 | |
Well, it certainly sounds like a plan. | 0:02:26 | 0:02:29 | |
Get thee to thy tower, witch! | 0:02:29 | 0:02:31 | |
A please would be nice. | 0:02:31 | 0:02:33 | |
Witches! | 0:02:35 | 0:02:37 | |
A curse on thee, rebels of Ely! | 0:02:37 | 0:02:40 | |
May thine eyes bubble and boil in thy skulls | 0:02:40 | 0:02:44 | |
and may thine feet turn into limp lettuce | 0:02:44 | 0:02:48 | |
or similarly un-foot-like vegetation. | 0:02:48 | 0:02:51 | |
May thine pets do that thing when visitors come round where they... | 0:02:51 | 0:02:55 | |
RUSTLING | 0:02:55 | 0:02:57 | |
-Oh, hello, excuse me. -Ah... Ah... | 0:02:57 | 0:02:59 | |
Oh, dear, the Saxon rebels are setting fire to the tower. | 0:02:59 | 0:03:02 | |
We can discuss this. I could be a double agent. | 0:03:02 | 0:03:05 | |
Yeah, I could curse in the other direction! | 0:03:05 | 0:03:07 | |
Well, then, you leave me no choice! | 0:03:09 | 0:03:12 | |
Right. This is Mike Peabody, up a burning tower, | 0:03:12 | 0:03:16 | |
with a witch who's showing her bottom, | 0:03:16 | 0:03:20 | |
really wishing he was somewhere else. Actually, anywhere else. | 0:03:20 | 0:03:24 | |
Please. | 0:03:24 | 0:03:25 | |
Oh! | 0:03:25 | 0:03:27 | |
That's all 100% accu-rat. | 0:03:27 | 0:03:30 | |
The Normans built a wooden tower for a witch to curse the Saxons | 0:03:30 | 0:03:33 | |
and she showed them her bottom. | 0:03:33 | 0:03:35 | |
The Saxons got their revenge by burning the tower down. | 0:03:35 | 0:03:38 | |
Hence the old saying, "Red sky at night, witch's bottom alight." | 0:03:38 | 0:03:43 | |
The Normans also built a lot of stone churches in England, | 0:03:43 | 0:03:47 | |
usually to say sorry to God for something they'd done. | 0:03:47 | 0:03:51 | |
'Normanopoly, the board game that lets you invade England | 0:03:51 | 0:03:55 | |
'just like William the Conqueror!' | 0:03:55 | 0:03:57 | |
OK, I'm King, bagsy me be the crown. | 0:03:57 | 0:03:59 | |
Bagsy the ship. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:01 | |
-Why do I always have to be the wild pig? -Too slow. -Ha-ha! | 0:04:01 | 0:04:04 | |
'Your chance to experience all the thrills of conquering England!' | 0:04:04 | 0:04:07 | |
Oh, I've landed on Hastings and brutally killed thousands of Saxons. | 0:04:07 | 0:04:11 | |
Best build a church, show God I'm sorry. | 0:04:11 | 0:04:14 | |
Actually, I did spill an awful lot of blood. Best make it an abbey. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:18 | |
'And if you don't like the names of the towns you can just rename them.' | 0:04:18 | 0:04:22 | |
Excellent! I'm now the Baron of Snottingham. | 0:04:22 | 0:04:25 | |
Just take off the S and call it Nottingham. | 0:04:25 | 0:04:28 | |
Much better. Wooden castle. | 0:04:28 | 0:04:30 | |
'Do you have what it takes to keep England conquered?' | 0:04:30 | 0:04:33 | |
Actually, better upgrade to a stone castle. Might last longer. | 0:04:33 | 0:04:37 | |
'Are you ruthless enough to deal with disgruntled Anglo-Saxons?' | 0:04:37 | 0:04:40 | |
Community card, my favourite. | 0:04:40 | 0:04:42 | |
"The English are rebelling in the north." | 0:04:42 | 0:04:45 | |
"You have to wipe out the entire community." | 0:04:45 | 0:04:48 | |
Oh, you've got to love this game! | 0:04:48 | 0:04:50 | |
'And the great thing is, you can just make up the rules as you go along!' | 0:04:50 | 0:04:54 | |
I think I'll collect 200 silver coins from the villagers as tax. | 0:04:54 | 0:04:57 | |
Cheeky so-and-so. | 0:04:57 | 0:04:58 | |
'Normanopoly. There's no such thing as playing fair.' | 0:04:58 | 0:05:02 | |
Oh, I'd better build another church. | 0:05:02 | 0:05:04 | |
I'm about to do something really bad. | 0:05:04 | 0:05:06 | |
HE CACKLES | 0:05:06 | 0:05:08 | |
You need to work on your evil laugh, boss. | 0:05:08 | 0:05:10 | |
What is wrong with it? | 0:05:10 | 0:05:12 | |
'Normanopoly. Satisfaction guaranteed, or your country back.' | 0:05:12 | 0:05:16 | |
Never going to happen. | 0:05:16 | 0:05:17 | |
Some of our great Greek thinkers were a tad unusual, | 0:05:25 | 0:05:28 | |
and none more so than Diogenes. | 0:05:28 | 0:05:30 | |
Hey! What do you think you're doing? | 0:05:34 | 0:05:37 | |
Oh, sorry, mate. I had no idea there was a naked man in the barrel. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:40 | |
Why is there a naked man in the barrel? | 0:05:40 | 0:05:41 | |
Why are you naked in a barrel? | 0:05:41 | 0:05:43 | |
Because I believe that human society has overcomplicated | 0:05:43 | 0:05:46 | |
the simple beauty of nature, | 0:05:46 | 0:05:47 | |
so I have rejected the trappings of society, | 0:05:47 | 0:05:50 | |
including all material possessions. | 0:05:50 | 0:05:52 | |
These days, it's just me and my barrel. | 0:05:52 | 0:05:55 | |
Hang on, aren't you Diogenes, the famous philosopher and total weirdo? | 0:05:55 | 0:06:00 | |
Total weirdo, you say? | 0:06:00 | 0:06:02 | |
Oh, what are you doing, what are you doing? | 0:06:02 | 0:06:04 | |
You insulted me, so I'm weeing on you. | 0:06:04 | 0:06:06 | |
Oh, you can't do that! | 0:06:06 | 0:06:08 | |
-Says who? -Says society. | 0:06:08 | 0:06:10 | |
I don't believe in society. | 0:06:10 | 0:06:12 | |
Yeah, you just said that, didn't you? | 0:06:12 | 0:06:15 | |
-All right, hang on, what's that? -What? | 0:06:15 | 0:06:16 | |
That bowl is a material possession. | 0:06:16 | 0:06:19 | |
Man's gotta drink, man. | 0:06:19 | 0:06:20 | |
All right, well, what about that child over there? | 0:06:20 | 0:06:23 | |
Not that one, that one! | 0:06:24 | 0:06:26 | |
She doesn't need a bowl to drink water, | 0:06:26 | 0:06:28 | |
she's using her hands, which makes that a needless material procession. | 0:06:28 | 0:06:32 | |
Good point. | 0:06:32 | 0:06:34 | |
Right, so now you're a smug weirdo. | 0:06:34 | 0:06:36 | |
Did you just call me a smug weirdo? | 0:06:36 | 0:06:38 | |
Oh, no! All right, I take it back, I take it back! | 0:06:38 | 0:06:41 | |
-You're not a smug weirdo, OK? -Thank you. | 0:06:41 | 0:06:44 | |
-Hey! -You're a filthy smug weirdo. | 0:06:44 | 0:06:46 | |
And what you going to do about that, eh? | 0:06:46 | 0:06:49 | |
Can't wee on me now, can you? | 0:06:49 | 0:06:50 | |
Well, let's just say when I'm really offended I switch to plan B. | 0:06:50 | 0:06:55 | |
HE FARTS | 0:06:55 | 0:06:56 | |
Oh, you're an animal! | 0:06:56 | 0:06:58 | |
No wait, give it a minute, just need a minute. | 0:06:58 | 0:07:01 | |
Oh, no. Oh, that has, in a very literal sense, backfired. | 0:07:01 | 0:07:04 | |
That's right, Diogenes lived, weed and pooed in a barrel. | 0:07:08 | 0:07:13 | |
Perfectly decent behaviour... if you're a rat. | 0:07:13 | 0:07:17 | |
Another super-smart Greek was Pythagoras, | 0:07:17 | 0:07:20 | |
and he was a bit of a funny fish as well. | 0:07:20 | 0:07:23 | |
# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths They're funny cos they're true | 0:07:25 | 0:07:30 | |
# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. # | 0:07:30 | 0:07:35 | |
-And then I said, "That's another fine -mesh -you've got me into!" | 0:07:36 | 0:07:40 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:07:40 | 0:07:42 | |
Fine mesh! Because I was wearing chainmail! | 0:07:42 | 0:07:44 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:07:44 | 0:07:46 | |
Oh, maybe you had to be there. Next. | 0:07:46 | 0:07:49 | |
Name? | 0:07:49 | 0:07:50 | |
Pythagoras, Greek philosopher and mathematician. | 0:07:50 | 0:07:53 | |
Oh, ding-a-ling-a-ling! Your name rings a bell! | 0:07:53 | 0:07:55 | |
Aren't you the fellow who invented the triangle formula thingy? | 0:07:55 | 0:07:59 | |
Pythagoras' theorem. | 0:07:59 | 0:08:00 | |
That's the one! Oh, don't tell me, I know this. | 0:08:00 | 0:08:02 | |
The square of the thingamajig is equal to the two sides | 0:08:02 | 0:08:06 | |
of the hippopotamus when it's sitting at a cute angle. | 0:08:06 | 0:08:10 | |
Nearly. The square of the hypotenuse of a right angled triangle | 0:08:10 | 0:08:14 | |
is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides. | 0:08:14 | 0:08:17 | |
Hm, you lost me at hippopotamus, mate. | 0:08:17 | 0:08:20 | |
Come on, then, on with your story. | 0:08:20 | 0:08:22 | |
I hope it's easier to understand than your theory. | 0:08:22 | 0:08:25 | |
Right. Well, I started a religious movement known as Pythagoreanism. | 0:08:25 | 0:08:28 | |
Yeah, we had a set of quite unusual rules. | 0:08:28 | 0:08:31 | |
Never touch a white cockerel, never stand on your fingernail clippings | 0:08:31 | 0:08:36 | |
and never, ever touch beans. | 0:08:36 | 0:08:38 | |
Oh, beans can be a bit...peuw! Just ask Louis. | 0:08:38 | 0:08:41 | |
-HE LAUGHS -I'm joking. | 0:08:41 | 0:08:42 | |
Although you are a bit whiffy. You are! | 0:08:42 | 0:08:44 | |
Well, anyway, not everybody liked my little club. | 0:08:44 | 0:08:47 | |
In fact, some people even wanted me dead. | 0:08:47 | 0:08:49 | |
Go on. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:50 | |
One day, I was being chased by some would-be assassins. | 0:08:50 | 0:08:53 | |
Well, I was easily outstripping them, I'm quite fit. | 0:08:53 | 0:08:56 | |
I got to a field. The only trouble was it was a bean field. | 0:08:56 | 0:09:00 | |
And? | 0:09:00 | 0:09:02 | |
We Pythagoreans aren't allowed to touch beans, so I refused to go in. | 0:09:02 | 0:09:05 | |
And? | 0:09:05 | 0:09:06 | |
They caught up with me and they killed me. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:09 | |
-You got...? -Yeah. | 0:09:09 | 0:09:10 | |
-Because... -HE LAUGHS | 0:09:10 | 0:09:12 | |
You've been stupid, | 0:09:12 | 0:09:14 | |
-or rather, you've -bean -stupid. "bean" with an A. | 0:09:14 | 0:09:18 | |
DEATH LAUGHS | 0:09:18 | 0:09:19 | |
Well done, you're through to the afterlife. | 0:09:19 | 0:09:22 | |
Run along now. As in runner bean - runner bean along now! | 0:09:22 | 0:09:25 | |
That's good, yeah! | 0:09:25 | 0:09:27 | |
-Oh, enjoy! -Ta-ta. | 0:09:27 | 0:09:30 | |
Well, I think that's it for the day, that's a wrap. | 0:09:30 | 0:09:33 | |
Because of the bandages! Oh, I'm wasted here. | 0:09:34 | 0:09:37 | |
# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. # | 0:09:37 | 0:09:42 | |
But if they fell asleep at work they were dunked in water, | 0:10:05 | 0:10:08 | |
and if they tried to run away, they were put in leg irons. | 0:10:08 | 0:10:10 | |
It really wasn't very easy being poor in Victorian times. | 0:10:10 | 0:10:15 | |
'This week on Historical Wife Swap, | 0:10:15 | 0:10:18 | |
'the Tombleby-Pumblechooks of Mayfair will be doing a wife swap with... | 0:10:18 | 0:10:22 | |
'the Smikes from the London slum. | 0:10:22 | 0:10:24 | |
'But how will these two extremes of the British class system get on?' | 0:10:24 | 0:10:28 | |
Wow! | 0:10:29 | 0:10:30 | |
Forgive my excitement, sir, | 0:10:32 | 0:10:34 | |
but I've never been in such a grand house before. | 0:10:34 | 0:10:37 | |
Of course not. | 0:10:37 | 0:10:38 | |
There's never been one single poor person inside this house, ever. | 0:10:38 | 0:10:41 | |
Well, unless one counts the staff. | 0:10:41 | 0:10:44 | |
The butler, the valet, the cook and the housekeeper... | 0:10:44 | 0:10:47 | |
..ladies' maid, the nursemaid, the housemaid and the scullery maid, | 0:10:47 | 0:10:50 | |
the footman, the parlour maid, the outhouse maid and the gardeners. | 0:10:50 | 0:10:54 | |
Oh, dash it all, Perkins! | 0:10:54 | 0:10:56 | |
Yes, sir? | 0:10:56 | 0:10:58 | |
We have guests and there's a crease in the newspaper! | 0:10:58 | 0:11:01 | |
I shall iron it forthwith, sir. | 0:11:01 | 0:11:04 | |
Honestly. Can't get the staff these days. | 0:11:04 | 0:11:08 | |
'Meanwhile, in the London slum...' BABY WAILS | 0:11:08 | 0:11:11 | |
Excuse me, has anybody seen a Mr Smike? | 0:11:11 | 0:11:14 | |
Mrs Pombleby-Tumblepook? | 0:11:15 | 0:11:17 | |
Tombleby-Pumblechook. | 0:11:17 | 0:11:18 | |
Fumbleby-Pombleydook. Er, yes, I'm Mr Smike. | 0:11:18 | 0:11:21 | |
Don't touch me. I would have knocked but there wasn't a door. | 0:11:21 | 0:11:24 | |
We chucked the doors on the fire to keep warm. | 0:11:24 | 0:11:27 | |
Of course. I'm pleased to see you have plenty of staff. | 0:11:27 | 0:11:29 | |
Oh no, no, no. We all lives here. | 0:11:29 | 0:11:31 | |
All of you? In this one room? | 0:11:31 | 0:11:33 | |
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Joneses lived up the road | 0:11:33 | 0:11:36 | |
until their slum got pulled down to make a new street, yeah. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:39 | |
This is Mrs Rumblebly-Fonglewook. | 0:11:39 | 0:11:41 | |
Tombleby-Pumblechook. | 0:11:41 | 0:11:42 | |
-How do? -Don't touch me. | 0:11:42 | 0:11:44 | |
The Smiths lived next door until their slum got pulled down. | 0:11:44 | 0:11:48 | |
This is Mrs Tombleby-Bottomcheek. | 0:11:48 | 0:11:50 | |
-It's a pleasure. -Don't touch me. | 0:11:50 | 0:11:52 | |
Right. I see there's a little bit more room over there. | 0:11:52 | 0:11:54 | |
Aaagh! A dead body! | 0:11:54 | 0:11:57 | |
Oh, yeah, so there is. | 0:11:57 | 0:11:59 | |
If we scrape him up, you'll have somewhere to kip for the night. | 0:11:59 | 0:12:03 | |
'Meanwhile, in Mayfair, Mrs Smike is impressed | 0:12:05 | 0:12:07 | |
'by Mr Tombleby-Pumblechook's new gadget.' | 0:12:07 | 0:12:11 | |
What's this? | 0:12:11 | 0:12:12 | |
Oh, this is new. It's a Victorian invention | 0:12:12 | 0:12:14 | |
for automatically making you tea in the morning. | 0:12:14 | 0:12:17 | |
You might call it a teasmade. | 0:12:17 | 0:12:21 | |
Can't work it myself, though, have to get a maid to set it for me, | 0:12:21 | 0:12:24 | |
you might call her a teasmade maid! | 0:12:24 | 0:12:27 | |
Do you have anything new? | 0:12:30 | 0:12:32 | |
I've got TB. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:33 | |
SHE COUGHS | 0:12:33 | 0:12:35 | |
OK. | 0:12:35 | 0:12:36 | |
I found out how come these posh people keep their houses so warm. | 0:12:36 | 0:12:41 | |
They burn up more than half a ton of coal per day. | 0:12:41 | 0:12:46 | |
That's more coal than we have in a year! By half a ton! | 0:12:46 | 0:12:49 | |
'It's six in the morning, and Mrs Tombleby-Pumblechook | 0:12:49 | 0:12:52 | |
'has been taken along to see what it's like | 0:12:52 | 0:12:54 | |
'to do Mrs Smike's job in the match factory.' | 0:12:54 | 0:12:57 | |
Oh, what is that unholy stench? | 0:12:57 | 0:13:00 | |
Afraid that's me, ma'am. | 0:13:00 | 0:13:01 | |
Yeah, she's got a phossy jaw. | 0:13:01 | 0:13:03 | |
-Explain. -Well, the white phosphorus there, that's to put on match heads. | 0:13:03 | 0:13:06 | |
It's poisonous, makes your jaw swell and your bones rot, | 0:13:06 | 0:13:09 | |
hence the stench. | 0:13:09 | 0:13:11 | |
Shouldn't you go and see a doctor? | 0:13:11 | 0:13:12 | |
I did, but he refused to treat me. Said I smelt too bad. | 0:13:12 | 0:13:16 | |
Well, he has got a point. | 0:13:16 | 0:13:17 | |
Anyway, that's enough work. Let's all go home. | 0:13:17 | 0:13:19 | |
Shift's not over for another 12 hours. | 0:13:19 | 0:13:22 | |
See what you've done? | 0:13:25 | 0:13:26 | |
Do you know, these miserable, smelly people | 0:13:26 | 0:13:28 | |
have to work seven days a week? They don't even get weekends off. | 0:13:28 | 0:13:33 | |
No wonder they're so miserable and smelly. | 0:13:33 | 0:13:35 | |
We're all just here, you know. We can hear you. | 0:13:35 | 0:13:37 | |
I know. Ergh. | 0:13:37 | 0:13:39 | |
'The wife swap is at an end, | 0:13:39 | 0:13:41 | |
'and it's time for them to settle their differences.' | 0:13:41 | 0:13:46 | |
Yes, this wife swap has been quite an eye-opener for both of us. | 0:13:46 | 0:13:49 | |
You live in the most squalid and revolting conditions imaginable, | 0:13:49 | 0:13:53 | |
and you have to work every day just to survive. | 0:13:53 | 0:13:55 | |
Indeed we do, Mrs Tombley-Hombly- Hombly-Hombly-Crumbleduke. | 0:13:55 | 0:14:00 | |
From now on, you'll be living somewhere totally different. | 0:14:00 | 0:14:03 | |
Yes. My man found this lump of coal in your pocket. | 0:14:03 | 0:14:07 | |
Well, I didn't think you'd miss just one lump. | 0:14:07 | 0:14:09 | |
Well, we did, and so you're both going to jail. | 0:14:09 | 0:14:11 | |
Gotcha! | 0:14:11 | 0:14:13 | |
Perkins, throw this away, would you? A poor person's touched it. | 0:14:13 | 0:14:16 | |
Victorian slums were squalid and disease-ridden, | 0:14:18 | 0:14:22 | |
with overflowing toilets and often more than 20 living in the one room. | 0:14:22 | 0:14:27 | |
Which is what we rats | 0:14:27 | 0:14:28 | |
-call a dream home! -HE LAUGHS | 0:14:28 | 0:14:30 | |
Yeah. Sorry. | 0:14:30 | 0:14:32 | |
Our brave Saxon warriors were afraid of no man. | 0:14:37 | 0:14:41 | |
Though that doesn't mean they weren't scared of anything. | 0:14:41 | 0:14:44 | |
Affelgriff, son of Griffelaff, shall we journey north? | 0:14:45 | 0:14:49 | |
Aye, Edrick, son of Cedric, for there, we shall fight! | 0:14:49 | 0:14:53 | |
We must fight the enemy! | 0:14:53 | 0:14:55 | |
We will cleave their skulls and cut out their hearts! | 0:14:55 | 0:14:58 | |
BOTH: Death to all invaders! | 0:14:58 | 0:15:01 | |
We must journey through the hills. | 0:15:01 | 0:15:02 | |
Aye, the hills! | 0:15:02 | 0:15:04 | |
-Whoa, not the hills, no. -Not the hills? | 0:15:04 | 0:15:06 | |
We can't go through the hills, that's where dragons are. | 0:15:06 | 0:15:09 | |
Big, slimy serpents and nasty fire-breathing ones. | 0:15:09 | 0:15:11 | |
-Oh, yeah. Wyrms and dracas. I've seen them. -You haven't? | 0:15:11 | 0:15:14 | |
Yeah, I have! Well, I thought I did. Well, it was quite dark, actually. | 0:15:14 | 0:15:17 | |
Very well. Let us go around the lake, then! | 0:15:17 | 0:15:20 | |
The lake! Whoa, not the lake! Scared of lakes, full of monsters. | 0:15:20 | 0:15:23 | |
-Huh, water monsters? All right, we'll avoid the lake. -Yeah. | 0:15:23 | 0:15:27 | |
-And yet we must fight! -Aye. Let us travel through the forest. | 0:15:27 | 0:15:30 | |
The forest! Whoa, whoa, no, no, no. | 0:15:30 | 0:15:32 | |
-Scared of the forest. -Why? | 0:15:32 | 0:15:33 | |
Full of elves and spirits shooting at you with little arrows. | 0:15:33 | 0:15:36 | |
-I've seen them! -You haven't? | 0:15:36 | 0:15:39 | |
Yeah. Well a friend of mine did. Well, he said he did. | 0:15:39 | 0:15:41 | |
No, we must journey through the rocks! | 0:15:41 | 0:15:45 | |
-OK, the rocks! -The rocks. | 0:15:45 | 0:15:47 | |
Oh, hey, hey, are you crazy insane? I'm not going through the rocks. | 0:15:47 | 0:15:50 | |
Giants live in the rocks. | 0:15:50 | 0:15:51 | |
Have you seen one? | 0:15:51 | 0:15:53 | |
No, but I've seen things they've built. Big, huge things! | 0:15:53 | 0:15:56 | |
What, you mean the rocks? | 0:15:56 | 0:15:58 | |
Speak not of them! | 0:15:58 | 0:15:59 | |
All right, we'll avoid the forest and the stony things. | 0:15:59 | 0:16:02 | |
-And yet we must go north! -Aye! | 0:16:02 | 0:16:05 | |
I'll tell you what, why don't we go across the country and up, | 0:16:05 | 0:16:08 | |
you know, through East Anglia? | 0:16:08 | 0:16:09 | |
Yeah, that's a good idea. | 0:16:09 | 0:16:11 | |
BOTH: Death to all invaders! | 0:16:11 | 0:16:14 | |
Hey, hey, whoa, whoa. East Anglia, that's where the scuccas are. | 0:16:14 | 0:16:17 | |
Oh, yeah, and who wants to meet | 0:16:17 | 0:16:19 | |
an enormous black dog with blazing, fiery eyes? | 0:16:19 | 0:16:21 | |
As big as a horse. | 0:16:21 | 0:16:23 | |
I'm so scared of those big black dogs. | 0:16:23 | 0:16:25 | |
BOTH: Rrrraaaaargh! | 0:16:26 | 0:16:29 | |
Hey, I've got an idea, I've got an idea. | 0:16:29 | 0:16:31 | |
Why don't we wait for the invaders to come south, | 0:16:31 | 0:16:33 | |
and that way we don't have to travel north? | 0:16:33 | 0:16:35 | |
Oh, do you know, I'd much prefer that. | 0:16:35 | 0:16:36 | |
For we are the mightiest of warriors! | 0:16:36 | 0:16:39 | |
Aye, afraid of no man. Ah, what's that? | 0:16:39 | 0:16:42 | |
I think it's just an earthworm. | 0:16:43 | 0:16:45 | |
-Are you sure? I mean, it could be a little baby dragon. -Ah! | 0:16:45 | 0:16:48 | |
We must face this situation as Saxon warriors. | 0:16:48 | 0:16:52 | |
-What, you mean run away? -Yeah, run away. | 0:16:52 | 0:16:55 | |
-Run! -Run! -Run! -Run! | 0:16:55 | 0:16:58 | |
Not that way, not that way. Run this way. | 0:16:58 | 0:17:01 | |
This way. This way! | 0:17:01 | 0:17:03 | |
-No, not that way, this way. -This way. | 0:17:03 | 0:17:06 | |
-Run! -This way! Are you sure? | 0:17:06 | 0:17:09 | |
It's true, Saxon warriors were very superstitious | 0:17:09 | 0:17:12 | |
and believed in all sorts of monsters and demons. | 0:17:12 | 0:17:15 | |
Though earthworms aren't baby dragons. | 0:17:15 | 0:17:17 | |
No, they're a delicious starter, if slightly tickly. | 0:17:17 | 0:17:22 | |
Yeah, Saxon men are not without their shortcomings. | 0:17:22 | 0:17:25 | |
PHONE RINGS | 0:17:25 | 0:17:27 | |
Hello, Historical Dates. | 0:17:27 | 0:17:29 | |
Finding love is no mystery when you've got all of history. | 0:17:29 | 0:17:32 | |
You're looking for a handsome knight with a castle. | 0:17:33 | 0:17:36 | |
I can offer you a caveman with a...um...cave. | 0:17:36 | 0:17:42 | |
Oh, fair enough. | 0:17:42 | 0:17:44 | |
Karen, have you stepped in something? | 0:17:45 | 0:17:48 | |
-No, I thought you had. -No. | 0:17:48 | 0:17:51 | |
Hello, ladies! | 0:17:54 | 0:17:57 | |
I am young, Anglo-Saxon and looking for love. | 0:17:57 | 0:18:01 | |
-Welcome to Historical Dates. -Take a seat. -Thank you. | 0:18:01 | 0:18:04 | |
-Actually, I meant that one over there. -OK. | 0:18:06 | 0:18:10 | |
That's a bit weird. | 0:18:11 | 0:18:13 | |
Actually, this seat looks a lot more comfortable. It is, thank you. | 0:18:14 | 0:18:17 | |
Right, let's take down a few details. | 0:18:17 | 0:18:20 | |
Sorry, I just feel a bit faint. | 0:18:20 | 0:18:22 | |
Yeah, I have that effect on the ladies. | 0:18:22 | 0:18:24 | |
They call me Lar the Lady-killer. | 0:18:24 | 0:18:26 | |
Yeah, I bet you knock 'em dead. | 0:18:26 | 0:18:28 | |
Well, I like to think I'm a bit of a catch. Got my own home, so... | 0:18:28 | 0:18:32 | |
-Is it a cave? -No, I built it myself. | 0:18:32 | 0:18:34 | |
It's made of reeds, straw, mud and animal dung. | 0:18:34 | 0:18:38 | |
-Right, how many rooms? -Just the one. | 0:18:38 | 0:18:41 | |
-Where do you go toilet? -Just outside. | 0:18:41 | 0:18:43 | |
He's worse than that student you went out with. | 0:18:43 | 0:18:46 | |
I take it you live on your own? | 0:18:46 | 0:18:48 | |
No, I live with my beloved Bessie. She keeps me warm at night. | 0:18:48 | 0:18:51 | |
You've got a wife already? | 0:18:51 | 0:18:52 | |
Bessie's not my wife, Bessie's my goat. | 0:18:52 | 0:18:55 | |
She sleeps in the house along with the pigs and the ducks. | 0:18:55 | 0:18:57 | |
And the fleas. | 0:18:57 | 0:18:59 | |
Can I ask a personal question? | 0:18:59 | 0:19:00 | |
Sagittarius. | 0:19:00 | 0:19:02 | |
Not that one. Do Anglo-Saxons ever wash at all? | 0:19:02 | 0:19:05 | |
Once a year. | 0:19:05 | 0:19:07 | |
You have a bath once a year? | 0:19:07 | 0:19:09 | |
What do you think I am? Some kind of Viking? | 0:19:09 | 0:19:11 | |
They bathe and comb their hair once a week and do they get the chicks? | 0:19:11 | 0:19:15 | |
Actually, they do. | 0:19:15 | 0:19:17 | |
So just to recap, you only have a bath once a year, | 0:19:17 | 0:19:21 | |
your house is made of poo, | 0:19:21 | 0:19:23 | |
with animals pooing in it, | 0:19:23 | 0:19:25 | |
and when you need a poo you just do it in your garden. | 0:19:25 | 0:19:29 | |
Anyway, enough about me. | 0:19:29 | 0:19:31 | |
You, with the disgusted loo, | 0:19:31 | 0:19:33 | |
tell me, what are you doing this night? | 0:19:33 | 0:19:35 | |
Washing my hair. | 0:19:36 | 0:19:37 | |
-Really? -Mm-hmm. -Oh. | 0:19:37 | 0:19:39 | |
Well, you're not my type at all. It's a shame. | 0:19:39 | 0:19:43 | |
OK, girls. Laters. | 0:19:43 | 0:19:45 | |
Do you want your skin to look this good? | 0:19:54 | 0:19:56 | |
Then you need to try the ultimate exfoliating experience - | 0:19:56 | 0:19:59 | |
new keel hauling, the pirate skincare revolution. | 0:19:59 | 0:20:03 | |
Keel hauling will remove all that unsightly skin. | 0:20:03 | 0:20:06 | |
Actually, it removes most of your skin. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:08 | |
All you need is a pirate vessel, a long rope, | 0:20:08 | 0:20:11 | |
lots of sea and an angry captain. | 0:20:11 | 0:20:13 | |
Captain, I've got your... | 0:20:13 | 0:20:15 | |
Shiver me timbers, you bilge rat! | 0:20:15 | 0:20:18 | |
Let's see how you enjoy some keel hauling! | 0:20:18 | 0:20:20 | |
Anything but that! | 0:20:20 | 0:20:22 | |
Here's how it works. | 0:20:22 | 0:20:24 | |
The rope is fixed to your legs, you're thrown overboard | 0:20:24 | 0:20:26 | |
and hauled under the hull and over the keel of the ship, | 0:20:26 | 0:20:29 | |
then pulled up on the other side to reveal the new you. | 0:20:29 | 0:20:34 | |
Thanks to the secret ingredient, barnacles, | 0:20:34 | 0:20:37 | |
keel hauling has never been so painful. | 0:20:37 | 0:20:39 | |
You can really see the difference. | 0:20:39 | 0:20:42 | |
And don't miss our exclusive introductory offer. | 0:20:45 | 0:20:48 | |
Get keel hauled this month and get thrashed | 0:20:48 | 0:20:50 | |
by a cat o' nine tails whip | 0:20:50 | 0:20:52 | |
absolutely free! | 0:20:52 | 0:20:53 | |
-I think he's missed a bit. -HE LAUGHS | 0:20:53 | 0:20:56 | |
Warning - being keel hauled can result in death. | 0:20:56 | 0:20:58 | |
Being whipped by a cat o' nine tails can result in death. | 0:20:58 | 0:21:01 | |
Being a pirate will probably result in death. | 0:21:01 | 0:21:04 | |
Ow! | 0:21:04 | 0:21:06 | |
What's up, landlubbers? | 0:21:06 | 0:21:07 | |
Now, The Pirate Channel's going underground, | 0:21:07 | 0:21:10 | |
well, below deck, anyway, as we meet the baddest pirate of them all. | 0:21:10 | 0:21:14 | |
It's time for HHTV Cribs. | 0:21:14 | 0:21:16 | |
Yo, yo, yo, yo, HHTV! | 0:21:19 | 0:21:21 | |
My name's Blackbeard, and this here is my crib, | 0:21:21 | 0:21:25 | |
the Queen Anne's Revenge, and I loves her. | 0:21:25 | 0:21:28 | |
Mwah! | 0:21:28 | 0:21:29 | |
Mmm, salty! | 0:21:29 | 0:21:31 | |
Made in Britain, but on the inside | 0:21:33 | 0:21:34 | |
it's got kind of a classic French vibe. | 0:21:34 | 0:21:36 | |
That's because the French stole it off the British | 0:21:36 | 0:21:39 | |
and then we stole it off the French! | 0:21:39 | 0:21:41 | |
So when we nicked her she was a French merchant ship, | 0:21:41 | 0:21:44 | |
but we needed a pirate ship, | 0:21:44 | 0:21:46 | |
so we pimped her up, changed the logo. | 0:21:46 | 0:21:48 | |
The old one was whack! | 0:21:48 | 0:21:50 | |
We kept the chef, though. Those dudes can cook it up. | 0:21:50 | 0:21:53 | |
Check out the music system. | 0:21:53 | 0:21:54 | |
FLUTE PLAYS | 0:21:54 | 0:21:56 | |
Oh yeah, proper banging, that. | 0:21:56 | 0:21:58 | |
Yo, this is the booty room. This is where I keep my gold. Blinging! | 0:21:58 | 0:22:02 | |
Sugar. sweet! | 0:22:02 | 0:22:05 | |
And my medicine - sick! | 0:22:05 | 0:22:07 | |
Or rather, not so sick. | 0:22:07 | 0:22:09 | |
Got to show you the toilet I put in for the crew. | 0:22:09 | 0:22:11 | |
State of the art! | 0:22:11 | 0:22:13 | |
It basically a rope cage over the ocean. | 0:22:13 | 0:22:16 | |
They love a poo with a view. | 0:22:16 | 0:22:18 | |
You all right, Francois? | 0:22:18 | 0:22:19 | |
-Bonjour. -Lunch smells good. What you cooking? | 0:22:19 | 0:22:21 | |
Meat filled with maggots followed by biscuits covered in weevils. | 0:22:21 | 0:22:25 | |
The food always kind of rots | 0:22:25 | 0:22:26 | |
once we've been at sea for a few weeks. | 0:22:26 | 0:22:29 | |
Bleugh! | 0:22:29 | 0:22:32 | |
Put some cannons in. Got 40 of these bad boys. Ow. | 0:22:32 | 0:22:35 | |
Over here, we've got some homies chilling out. | 0:22:35 | 0:22:38 | |
What's up? | 0:22:38 | 0:22:39 | |
Help! My name is Percival, I've been kidnapped by Blackbeard... | 0:22:39 | 0:22:42 | |
I love this guy. He cracks me up! | 0:22:42 | 0:22:43 | |
Here he is, here's the man himself, Israel Hands. Say hello, Israel. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:47 | |
All right? | 0:22:47 | 0:22:49 | |
Ow! | 0:22:49 | 0:22:50 | |
That was just for fun. | 0:22:50 | 0:22:51 | |
When you're in battle, | 0:22:51 | 0:22:52 | |
you've got to get your swagger-jagger on! | 0:22:52 | 0:22:54 | |
This is my room, this is where I keep all my nice rich clothes. | 0:22:54 | 0:22:58 | |
I stole them off people I killed. | 0:22:58 | 0:23:00 | |
That's quite a nice scarf you got there. | 0:23:00 | 0:23:02 | |
-CAMERAMAN: What? -Can I have a quick look at it? | 0:23:02 | 0:23:04 | |
Hey, where are you going? | 0:23:04 | 0:23:06 | |
Ah, I'm out of here! | 0:23:06 | 0:23:07 | |
Blackbeard was a truly evil man, and he met an appropriately horrid end. | 0:23:08 | 0:23:14 | |
In 1780, he was killed in a battle at sea, | 0:23:14 | 0:23:17 | |
his head was chopped off and his headless body thrown into the sea. | 0:23:17 | 0:23:22 | |
Blackbeard, RIP. | 0:23:22 | 0:23:25 | |
-Or rather, -Arrr -IP! | 0:23:25 | 0:23:27 | |
When Henry VIII died, his son Edward became King at the age | 0:23:34 | 0:23:38 | |
of just nine, and even a king needed to have an education. | 0:23:38 | 0:23:42 | |
Oh, come, come, King Edward, | 0:23:42 | 0:23:44 | |
every young monarch should have a firm grasp of the Classics. | 0:23:44 | 0:23:47 | |
So translate into Latin for me, "Latin isn't difficult." | 0:23:47 | 0:23:52 | |
Um, I know this one, Mr Cheek. | 0:23:52 | 0:23:54 | |
Get this wrong, and somebody's going to get a jolly good whipping. | 0:23:54 | 0:23:58 | |
Latin not difficultus? | 0:23:58 | 0:24:01 | |
Wrong. You were given fair warning. Bend over, boy. | 0:24:01 | 0:24:05 | |
Ow! | 0:24:05 | 0:24:06 | |
You're just lucky I'm not allowed to strike a Royal. | 0:24:06 | 0:24:08 | |
So I shall ask you one more time, sire, | 0:24:08 | 0:24:11 | |
what is the Latin for, "Latin isn't difficult?" | 0:24:11 | 0:24:14 | |
Latin non difficultorum? | 0:24:14 | 0:24:17 | |
Wrong! Bend over, whipping boy. | 0:24:17 | 0:24:19 | |
-Sorry, Barnaby. -Ow! | 0:24:19 | 0:24:21 | |
"Latinum linguum loqui non est difficilissimum." | 0:24:21 | 0:24:25 | |
See? Latin isn't difficult. | 0:24:25 | 0:24:28 | |
No, Mr Bumcheek. | 0:24:28 | 0:24:29 | |
-What was that? -No, Mr Cheek. | 0:24:29 | 0:24:31 | |
I'll give you the benefit of the doubt this time, but know this. | 0:24:31 | 0:24:34 | |
I will not be made to look like a buffoon in my own classroom, | 0:24:34 | 0:24:38 | |
even by a Tudor king. | 0:24:38 | 0:24:39 | |
Of course not. | 0:24:39 | 0:24:41 | |
Good. So long as that's clear. | 0:24:41 | 0:24:44 | |
BOYS TITTER | 0:24:44 | 0:24:47 | |
Hmmm. | 0:24:47 | 0:24:48 | |
It wasn't all bad being a king or prince's whipping boy. | 0:24:48 | 0:24:52 | |
You stood to be richly rewarded in later life | 0:24:52 | 0:24:55 | |
for taking all the beatings. | 0:24:55 | 0:24:57 | |
Sadly, Edward VI died when he was still just a teenager, | 0:24:57 | 0:25:00 | |
so no rewards for his whipping boy, Barnaby Fitzpatrick. | 0:25:00 | 0:25:04 | |
Or, to give him his full name, Barnaby Sore Bottom Fitzpatrick. | 0:25:04 | 0:25:08 | |
And when Edward passed away, along came his half-sister, | 0:25:08 | 0:25:11 | |
Mary I. | 0:25:11 | 0:25:13 | |
# King Henry VIII, my father, hoped I'd have some Tudor brothers | 0:25:20 | 0:25:24 | |
# Mum had no sons, so rather I got plenty of stepmothers | 0:25:24 | 0:25:28 | |
# When at last Prince Ed was born The crown I bid adieu | 0:25:28 | 0:25:31 | |
# They said as King he must be sworn Boys go first in the queue | 0:25:31 | 0:25:35 | |
# But there's no need to worry if at first you don't succeed | 0:25:35 | 0:25:39 | |
# When Ed died, I swept aside the rest, and was decreed | 0:25:39 | 0:25:44 | |
# Mary I, that's me | 0:25:44 | 0:25:47 | |
# Tudor lady and Queen of England | 0:25:47 | 0:25:51 | |
# Not to be confused with Mary, Queen of Scots | 0:25:51 | 0:25:55 | |
# Not the same, see, though weirdly | 0:25:55 | 0:26:00 | |
# She's a cousin to me | 0:26:00 | 0:26:04 | |
# Some tried to say Lady Jane Grey should be Queen after Ed | 0:26:04 | 0:26:07 | |
# But England wanted me, hooray! So poor Jane lost her head | 0:26:07 | 0:26:11 | |
# The Protestants were saying that my ruling made them sick | 0:26:11 | 0:26:15 | |
# Cos when it came to praying my tastes were Catholic | 0:26:15 | 0:26:18 | |
# They revolted, challenged me, fuelled my great desire | 0:26:18 | 0:26:21 | |
# To tie 300 to a stake, light touch paper, then retire | 0:26:21 | 0:26:26 | |
# Mary I, that's me | 0:26:26 | 0:26:30 | |
# Called the Bloody Queen of England | 0:26:30 | 0:26:34 | |
# Not what I intended Tried to be good, you see | 0:26:34 | 0:26:38 | |
# But history only remembers | 0:26:38 | 0:26:42 | |
# I was a catastrophe | 0:26:42 | 0:26:45 | |
# Married Philip, King of Spain, who then left me | 0:26:47 | 0:26:51 | |
# England thought he was a pain | 0:26:51 | 0:26:52 | |
# Especially cos he told me to attack France with troops | 0:26:52 | 0:26:57 | |
# And when the French advanced we lost Calais - oops! | 0:26:57 | 0:27:01 | |
# Throughout my reign It rained and rained | 0:27:01 | 0:27:03 | |
# It poured upon the poor | 0:27:03 | 0:27:04 | |
# The harvest failed No food remained | 0:27:04 | 0:27:06 | |
# And flu killed many more | 0:27:06 | 0:27:08 | |
# Burned protestants and wed a fool Led armies to defeat | 0:27:08 | 0:27:11 | |
# Burned more Prots, I'd say my rule was short but not that sweet | 0:27:11 | 0:27:15 | |
# I had no kids, named half-sis Liz as big Queen Bess to be | 0:27:15 | 0:27:18 | |
# So long as she would rule the land as a Catholic Queen like me | 0:27:18 | 0:27:23 | |
# Lizzie didn't listen She made the country Protestant | 0:27:23 | 0:27:30 | |
# Meaning my legacy was ruined, see? | 0:27:30 | 0:27:35 | |
# Everything I tried to achieve | 0:27:35 | 0:27:38 | |
# Went down the swanee. # | 0:27:38 | 0:27:43 | |
Bit embarrassing, really. | 0:27:43 | 0:27:45 | |
# Tall tales, atrocious acts, we gave you all the fearsome facts... # | 0:27:46 | 0:27:49 | |
If you enjoyed that, why not come and play? | 0:27:49 | 0:27:53 | |
Go to the CBBC Website and click on Horrible Histories. See you there! | 0:27:53 | 0:27:58 | |
# The past is no longer a mystery | 0:27:58 | 0:28:00 | |
# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. # | 0:28:00 | 0:28:04 |