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# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians | 0:00:02 | 0:00:03 | |
# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians | 0:00:03 | 0:00:04 | |
# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights | 0:00:04 | 0:00:07 | |
# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians | 0:00:07 | 0:00:09 | |
# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times | 0:00:09 | 0:00:12 | |
# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless | 0:00:12 | 0:00:14 | |
#Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless | 0:00:14 | 0:00:15 | |
# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages | 0:00:15 | 0:00:17 | |
# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat | 0:00:17 | 0:00:22 | |
# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to... | 0:00:22 | 0:00:27 | |
# Horrible Histories. # | 0:00:27 | 0:00:30 | |
When Edward III chose York Minster for his wedding in 1328, | 0:00:36 | 0:00:41 | |
there was still building work to be done, | 0:00:41 | 0:00:43 | |
and that made for quite an eventful day. | 0:00:43 | 0:00:47 | |
I, King Edward III. | 0:00:47 | 0:00:48 | |
I, Edward. | 0:00:48 | 0:00:50 | |
Do take thee, Philippa of Hainault. | 0:00:50 | 0:00:52 | |
-Take thee, Philippa. -To be my lawfully wedded wife. | 0:00:52 | 0:00:56 | |
To be my... | 0:00:56 | 0:00:57 | |
HAMMERING | 0:00:57 | 0:00:58 | |
To be my lawfully wedd... | 0:01:00 | 0:01:01 | |
SAWING | 0:01:01 | 0:01:03 | |
To be my lawfully wedded... | 0:01:03 | 0:01:05 | |
WHISTLING | 0:01:05 | 0:01:06 | |
-Phil! -Yes, mate. -Do you want milk with your hot water, mate? | 0:01:06 | 0:01:09 | |
-Oh, yes please, mate. -All right. -Ah! | 0:01:09 | 0:01:11 | |
Mind yourself, love. | 0:01:11 | 0:01:12 | |
Is this really necessary? It's just we are trying to get married here. | 0:01:12 | 0:01:15 | |
Well to be entirely fair, Your Majesty, | 0:01:15 | 0:01:17 | |
I did say we were having some work done when you booked the wedding. | 0:01:17 | 0:01:22 | |
Yes, but I didn't think it was going to be this intrusive. | 0:01:22 | 0:01:25 | |
-Oh, come now, it's not that bad, is it? -Well, I think it is. | 0:01:25 | 0:01:28 | |
Wouldn't you agree, dear? | 0:01:28 | 0:01:29 | |
Dear? | 0:01:29 | 0:01:31 | |
Left a bit, Phil. | 0:01:31 | 0:01:32 | |
-Ah! -Mind yourself, love! | 0:01:32 | 0:01:34 | |
I mean, I just said that. | 0:01:34 | 0:01:36 | |
Look, we are trying to have a royal wedding here. | 0:01:36 | 0:01:38 | |
-Actually we've almost finished. -I've put the strut over the choir screen. | 0:01:38 | 0:01:42 | |
And this bad boy is the last of the columns. | 0:01:42 | 0:01:44 | |
Well done you. Now, if you wouldn't mind. | 0:01:44 | 0:01:47 | |
Although I have got a niggling feeling | 0:01:47 | 0:01:49 | |
that we've forgotten something, though. | 0:01:49 | 0:01:51 | |
BUILDERS: Oh... | 0:01:51 | 0:01:53 | |
The roof! THEY LAUGH | 0:01:53 | 0:01:55 | |
Well, I always said I wanted a white wedding. | 0:01:55 | 0:01:57 | |
PHIL LAUGHS | 0:01:57 | 0:01:59 | |
OK, the workmen stuff is just silly, but it's true. | 0:01:59 | 0:02:03 | |
When Edward III got married, the roof wasn't finished, | 0:02:03 | 0:02:06 | |
and it really did start to snow. | 0:02:06 | 0:02:09 | |
I once went to a friend's outdoor wedding when it poured with rain. | 0:02:09 | 0:02:12 | |
It was OK, though, my friend's a duck. | 0:02:12 | 0:02:15 | |
Edward III was famous for starting the 100 Years' War | 0:02:15 | 0:02:19 | |
against the French, which featured this famous battle. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:24 | |
'Coming soon to a field in northern France... | 0:02:24 | 0:02:26 | |
'Agincourt. | 0:02:26 | 0:02:28 | |
'The most memorable battle of the age. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:30 | |
'A true story of conflict between the superior French knights...' | 0:02:30 | 0:02:33 | |
We vastly outnumber the English. | 0:02:33 | 0:02:36 | |
We are better armed, and we are playing at home. | 0:02:36 | 0:02:38 | |
-This is going to be slaughter. -'..and Welsh and English underdogs, | 0:02:38 | 0:02:42 | |
'outnumbered, ill-equipped and desperate.' | 0:02:42 | 0:02:44 | |
Might have some of this mouldy bread for lunch. | 0:02:44 | 0:02:47 | |
-Oh yeah. -Yeah, I might save it though. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:49 | |
What, for dinner or summat? | 0:02:49 | 0:02:50 | |
No, in case I get badly wounded. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:52 | |
I can shove the mould in the wound, it kills the infection. | 0:02:52 | 0:02:54 | |
Oh, nice. I'm going to have some of this cheese. | 0:02:54 | 0:02:58 | |
'There would be no mercy.' | 0:02:58 | 0:02:59 | |
This is going to be slaughter. | 0:02:59 | 0:03:01 | |
-You said that already. -I know. I just like the word slaughter. | 0:03:01 | 0:03:06 | |
-Chargez! -They're coming, they're coming! | 0:03:06 | 0:03:09 | |
'All the English archers had was determination...' | 0:03:09 | 0:03:11 | |
They're still coming! | 0:03:11 | 0:03:13 | |
-Taking a long time, aren't they? -Yeah, I think they're stuck. | 0:03:13 | 0:03:16 | |
'..and lots of mud.' | 0:03:16 | 0:03:17 | |
OK, heavy armour, too many knights, too little room, | 0:03:17 | 0:03:22 | |
lots of arrows and lots of mud. | 0:03:22 | 0:03:24 | |
We probably should have thought this through a little better. | 0:03:24 | 0:03:27 | |
'Witness the easiest comeback of all time.' | 0:03:27 | 0:03:30 | |
Let's just wander over there and stab 'em up. | 0:03:30 | 0:03:33 | |
It's a bit harsh. | 0:03:33 | 0:03:34 | |
They started it. | 0:03:34 | 0:03:36 | |
Ah, do you think we could call this a draw? | 0:03:36 | 0:03:39 | |
-Where's your horse gone, mate? -I'm sitting on it. | 0:03:39 | 0:03:42 | |
HORSE NEIGHS | 0:03:42 | 0:03:43 | |
'Agincourt - a name to be remembered, | 0:03:43 | 0:03:45 | |
'a battle best forgotten, probably.' | 0:03:45 | 0:03:47 | |
Let's strip 'em and sell their armour. | 0:03:47 | 0:03:49 | |
HORSE WHINNIES | 0:03:49 | 0:03:51 | |
In Victorian times, | 0:03:56 | 0:03:57 | |
the criminals used a lot of slang words for things. | 0:03:57 | 0:04:00 | |
In fact, they practically had their own language. | 0:04:00 | 0:04:03 | |
All right, listen up, this is a flummet job. | 0:04:04 | 0:04:07 | |
We'll need a rook, some Davy's dust and a fagger. | 0:04:07 | 0:04:11 | |
Luckily I knows a nemmo who'll crack a crib for a spangle, any questions? | 0:04:11 | 0:04:16 | |
Um...sorry, I'm new. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:17 | |
Could we run through that again? | 0:04:17 | 0:04:19 | |
-Well, it's a flummet job. -OK, I'll stop you there. | 0:04:19 | 0:04:22 | |
-Flummet? -Dangerous. | 0:04:22 | 0:04:24 | |
Oh, golly! Oh right, well, carry on. | 0:04:24 | 0:04:27 | |
-Right, we'll need a rook. -A bird? -A crowbar, you Tommy tug! | 0:04:27 | 0:04:30 | |
It's Martin actually, Martin Smith, | 0:04:30 | 0:04:33 | |
and can I just say this is all very exciting. | 0:04:33 | 0:04:35 | |
Look, can you get us some Davy's dust, or what? | 0:04:35 | 0:04:38 | |
Well I could get us some Martin's dust if that will help. | 0:04:38 | 0:04:41 | |
He means gunpowder, you strut noddy. | 0:04:41 | 0:04:43 | |
Gunpowder? | 0:04:43 | 0:04:44 | |
There's no need to yaffle, do you want the raw lobsters on our tail? | 0:04:44 | 0:04:48 | |
I'm sorry, are you afraid we'll be pursued by uncooked seafood? | 0:04:48 | 0:04:52 | |
No, not seafood. | 0:04:52 | 0:04:54 | |
The cheese, the nosers. | 0:04:54 | 0:04:56 | |
Whoa, am I glad I'm not in your head. | 0:04:56 | 0:04:58 | |
I mean where did this fear of cheese come from? | 0:04:58 | 0:05:01 | |
Do you want a ding on the coconut? | 0:05:01 | 0:05:03 | |
Oh, pudding, yes please. | 0:05:03 | 0:05:04 | |
He's talking about the peelers, you doddy. | 0:05:04 | 0:05:07 | |
Is that to peel the cheese or the coconut? | 0:05:07 | 0:05:09 | |
The rozzers, the crushers, the blue devils? | 0:05:09 | 0:05:12 | |
The cops. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:13 | |
Oh, the police! Well, why didn't you just say? | 0:05:13 | 0:05:16 | |
Because if they could understand what we're saying, | 0:05:16 | 0:05:18 | |
then they'd know what we're up to, wouldn't they? | 0:05:18 | 0:05:21 | |
And what are we up to? | 0:05:21 | 0:05:23 | |
-We're planning a burglary. -Ah, as I suspected all along. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:28 | |
Detective Martin Smith, Scotland Yard, | 0:05:28 | 0:05:32 | |
who's the strut noddy now, you back jumping gumps? | 0:05:32 | 0:05:35 | |
-We are. -It's a fair cop. | 0:05:35 | 0:05:37 | |
The answer is... | 0:05:51 | 0:05:52 | |
All three. | 0:05:52 | 0:05:53 | |
In Victorian times, you could be fined for a lot of petty things, | 0:05:53 | 0:05:57 | |
but there were also more serious crimes. | 0:05:57 | 0:06:00 | |
Hello. My name is... | 0:06:04 | 0:06:06 | |
Well, it's none of your concern. | 0:06:06 | 0:06:08 | |
You're watching The Real Victorian Hustle. | 0:06:08 | 0:06:11 | |
The show where real Victorian criminals | 0:06:11 | 0:06:15 | |
show you real Victorian scams. Hand it back, Dodger. | 0:06:15 | 0:06:17 | |
First up, an entry-level hustle, the shivering dodge. | 0:06:17 | 0:06:22 | |
'On a cold morning, | 0:06:24 | 0:06:26 | |
'just wear your thinnest clothes and shiver like crazy. | 0:06:26 | 0:06:29 | |
'With any luck, some tom tug mug will take pity on you.' | 0:06:29 | 0:06:33 | |
Oh my, you poor street urchin, you look positively freezing. | 0:06:33 | 0:06:37 | |
-I am perishing cold, sir. -Here, buy yourself something warm. | 0:06:37 | 0:06:41 | |
Oh thank you, kind sir. (Tom tug.) | 0:06:41 | 0:06:43 | |
-What did you say? -Er...I'll buy a rug. | 0:06:43 | 0:06:45 | |
Coat would seem more practical, but still. | 0:06:45 | 0:06:48 | |
I'll look after those, shall I, Dodger? | 0:06:50 | 0:06:52 | |
How comes it's me who does the hard work, | 0:06:52 | 0:06:54 | |
but you gets to keep the spangle? | 0:06:54 | 0:06:56 | |
Cos I'm the brains. | 0:06:56 | 0:06:57 | |
Next hustle, the Lucifer dodge. | 0:06:57 | 0:07:00 | |
'All you need is a tray full of matches to sell, | 0:07:03 | 0:07:06 | |
'and, of course, another rich tom tug. | 0:07:06 | 0:07:08 | |
'Just pretend they've made you spill the matches.' | 0:07:08 | 0:07:11 | |
-Oh no, me matches! -HE SOBS | 0:07:11 | 0:07:15 | |
Here's something for your trouble, boy. | 0:07:15 | 0:07:17 | |
For this last hustle, the scaldrum dodge, | 0:07:23 | 0:07:26 | |
you just cover your bare arms with soap and rub in some vinegar. | 0:07:26 | 0:07:30 | |
'The unholy mess should look like ugly blisters.' | 0:07:33 | 0:07:36 | |
Oh, please help me, sir, I'm so very sick. | 0:07:36 | 0:07:38 | |
'If the soap on your arms isn't working for you, | 0:07:38 | 0:07:41 | |
'then you can also try sticking some soap in your mouth.' | 0:07:41 | 0:07:44 | |
I'm so very sick. | 0:07:44 | 0:07:46 | |
'Or even try strapping a leg up to make it look you've lost one.' | 0:07:46 | 0:07:50 | |
If you're thinking of trying any of these hustles, do be warned, | 0:07:52 | 0:07:57 | |
Victorian police are wise to them, | 0:07:57 | 0:08:00 | |
largely because most Victorian police officers | 0:08:00 | 0:08:03 | |
are ex-criminals who grew up doing them themselves. | 0:08:03 | 0:08:06 | |
There he is, officer, there's the man who stole all my money. | 0:08:06 | 0:08:09 | |
You little snick, Dodger. | 0:08:09 | 0:08:10 | |
You're nicked. | 0:08:10 | 0:08:12 | |
One other Victorian hustle was to eat bread left out for the birds | 0:08:12 | 0:08:17 | |
until someone took pity on you and gave you some cash. | 0:08:17 | 0:08:20 | |
Though trust me, do not try nicking bread off a swan, | 0:08:20 | 0:08:24 | |
they may look pretty, but they're ugly on the inside. | 0:08:24 | 0:08:28 | |
"And now, an infomercial from Roman leader, Julius Caesar." | 0:08:33 | 0:08:38 | |
'Do you have thick, lustrous, touchable hair?' | 0:08:38 | 0:08:41 | |
Aaah! | 0:08:41 | 0:08:42 | |
Yeah, well, so did I. | 0:08:42 | 0:08:44 | |
Get lost, hairy, seriously. | 0:08:44 | 0:08:46 | |
But believe me, guys, it doesn't last forever. | 0:08:46 | 0:08:49 | |
I seemed to be losing more and more hair each day. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:52 | |
It was really getting me down. | 0:08:52 | 0:08:55 | |
Until I invented this - | 0:08:55 | 0:08:57 | |
Julius Caesar's new "Romeover," | 0:08:57 | 0:09:00 | |
the complete dictator's hair loss solution. | 0:09:00 | 0:09:02 | |
'It's amazing! | 0:09:02 | 0:09:04 | |
'To solve your hair loss problems today, | 0:09:04 | 0:09:06 | |
'just comb your remaining hair forward | 0:09:06 | 0:09:08 | |
'over the balding part of your head to create this incredible illusion | 0:09:08 | 0:09:12 | |
'of thick, silky hair that's bursting with volume. It's awesome! | 0:09:12 | 0:09:15 | |
'Just look at the results.' | 0:09:15 | 0:09:17 | |
In fact, with your Romeover in place, | 0:09:17 | 0:09:19 | |
people won't know that your hair's receding. | 0:09:19 | 0:09:22 | |
Right, guys? | 0:09:22 | 0:09:23 | |
-Fabulous. -Fabulous, fabulous. You look like a lion. | 0:09:23 | 0:09:25 | |
So don't delay, get your Romeover today. | 0:09:25 | 0:09:28 | |
'Warning: Romeover only works with people too scared | 0:09:28 | 0:09:31 | |
'to tell you the truth. | 0:09:31 | 0:09:32 | |
'And also from the creator of the Romeover, the laurel wreath. | 0:09:32 | 0:09:36 | |
The Roman status symbol that also covers up your baldest bits, | 0:09:36 | 0:09:39 | |
making you feel ten years younger. | 0:09:39 | 0:09:41 | |
Hail Caesar. | 0:09:41 | 0:09:43 | |
Yeah, I bet you do. | 0:09:43 | 0:09:45 | |
So try Julius Caesar's new Romeover and laurel wreath today, | 0:09:45 | 0:09:48 | |
and say goodbye to baldness forever. | 0:09:48 | 0:09:52 | |
Perfect. | 0:09:52 | 0:09:53 | |
'Warning: not designed to work in a strong wind.' | 0:09:53 | 0:09:56 | |
It's true. Julius Caesar really did try to cover up his baldness. | 0:09:56 | 0:10:01 | |
Actually, I used to be a bit embarrassed about my bald tail, | 0:10:01 | 0:10:05 | |
till I realised I'm not a squirrel. | 0:10:05 | 0:10:07 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:10:07 | 0:10:08 | |
Anyway, what's better known about Julius Caesar | 0:10:08 | 0:10:10 | |
is that he landed in Britain in 55 BC. | 0:10:10 | 0:10:14 | |
It was the first Roman invasion of Britain, | 0:10:14 | 0:10:16 | |
but certainly not the last. | 0:10:16 | 0:10:19 | |
Hello and welcome to News at When. | 0:10:24 | 0:10:26 | |
When? Just over 2,000 years ago, | 0:10:26 | 0:10:29 | |
when a series of emperors from Rome, calling themselves Roman Emperors, | 0:10:29 | 0:10:34 | |
decided to try and add Britain to their ever-growing empire. | 0:10:34 | 0:10:38 | |
Here with more details on this intriguing invasion | 0:10:38 | 0:10:41 | |
is Bob Hale with the Roman Britain report. | 0:10:41 | 0:10:43 | |
Bob. | 0:10:43 | 0:10:44 | |
Thank you, Sam. | 0:10:44 | 0:10:45 | |
Well, it's around 100 years BC, and that right there, | 0:10:45 | 0:10:48 | |
unless I'm very much mistaken, is my Britain-shaped birthmark, and... | 0:10:48 | 0:10:51 | |
Oh, no, that's actually Britain. | 0:10:51 | 0:10:53 | |
Which is full of Celts. | 0:10:53 | 0:10:54 | |
There's one, that's his brother, there's a mate... | 0:10:54 | 0:10:57 | |
actually there's loads of them. | 0:10:57 | 0:10:58 | |
And they live a happy tribal life in little mini-kingdoms | 0:10:58 | 0:11:01 | |
just like they have done since the Iron Age. | 0:11:01 | 0:11:04 | |
But not for long! | 0:11:04 | 0:11:05 | |
Yes, it's 55 BC, and who should rock up but Julius Caesar, | 0:11:05 | 0:11:08 | |
who, believing that the Celts are helping an anti-Roman rebellion | 0:11:08 | 0:11:11 | |
over in France, decides to teach Britain a lesson, | 0:11:11 | 0:11:13 | |
specifically a lesson in how to badly organise an invasion. | 0:11:13 | 0:11:16 | |
Yes, Caesar's plan to invade Britain completely fails, | 0:11:16 | 0:11:19 | |
so he comes up with a bold new plan, | 0:11:19 | 0:11:21 | |
which, somewhat unoriginally, is to try and invade Britain again. | 0:11:21 | 0:11:24 | |
Yes, he came, he saw, he took a few prisoners, | 0:11:24 | 0:11:26 | |
he got bored, he went home, and that's the end of that. | 0:11:26 | 0:11:30 | |
But not for long! | 0:11:30 | 0:11:31 | |
Yes, next up to try and add Britain to the Roman Empire | 0:11:31 | 0:11:34 | |
is crazy Caligula, who forgets to tell his troops | 0:11:34 | 0:11:36 | |
about the invasion, and has to cancel the whole thing. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:39 | |
So he declares war on the sea instead, | 0:11:39 | 0:11:41 | |
and takes a load of seashells as prisoners, | 0:11:41 | 0:11:43 | |
which is weirder than my cousin Keith, | 0:11:43 | 0:11:45 | |
and he wears trousers made of bacon. | 0:11:45 | 0:11:46 | |
Then finally, in 43 AD, Emperor Claudius gets the job done | 0:11:46 | 0:11:50 | |
and Britain is invaded by an expansionist foreign power. | 0:11:50 | 0:11:53 | |
-Hooray! -FANFARE | 0:11:53 | 0:11:54 | |
Or boo, depending on how you like to look at it. | 0:11:54 | 0:11:56 | |
Claudius sweeps through what we now call England | 0:11:56 | 0:11:58 | |
using a tried and tested combination | 0:11:58 | 0:12:00 | |
of smooth talk and unimaginable violence. | 0:12:00 | 0:12:02 | |
But the Celts are no pushover, no siree, whoever that is. | 0:12:02 | 0:12:06 | |
A certain Miss Boudicca decides to fight back, | 0:12:06 | 0:12:09 | |
leading 100,000 Celts to face a mere 10,000 Romans | 0:12:09 | 0:12:12 | |
at the Battle of Watling Street, | 0:12:12 | 0:12:14 | |
which is pretty good odds by my maths. | 0:12:14 | 0:12:16 | |
Which may explain why I failed maths. | 0:12:16 | 0:12:18 | |
Because, despite being outnumbered ten to one, | 0:12:18 | 0:12:20 | |
the Romans completely clobber the Celts. | 0:12:20 | 0:12:22 | |
Then they whack the Welsh, knock out the north, | 0:12:22 | 0:12:25 | |
and push right up into Scotland, right? Wrong! | 0:12:25 | 0:12:27 | |
You see, Scotland, or Caledonia as it was known then, | 0:12:27 | 0:12:30 | |
is home to the Picts, fierce tribal warriors | 0:12:30 | 0:12:32 | |
who make the Romans look like | 0:12:32 | 0:12:33 | |
what my Scottish Uncle Kenny would call a big Jessie. | 0:12:33 | 0:12:36 | |
Though that may also be a reference to my Aunt Jessie, | 0:12:36 | 0:12:39 | |
who is three metres tall. | 0:12:39 | 0:12:40 | |
Yes, after repeated attempts to invade Caledonia, | 0:12:40 | 0:12:43 | |
and with beaten Romans, in every sense, | 0:12:43 | 0:12:45 | |
it's Emperor Hadrian who decides to simply seal the Picts in | 0:12:45 | 0:12:48 | |
by building a massive wall right across the country, | 0:12:48 | 0:12:50 | |
and I'm not even joking. | 0:12:50 | 0:12:51 | |
Yes, it's Hadrian's Wall, | 0:12:51 | 0:12:53 | |
with Caledonia to the north and Britannia to the south. | 0:12:53 | 0:12:56 | |
So there we have it. | 0:12:56 | 0:12:57 | |
The northern edge of the Roman Empire is established, | 0:12:57 | 0:12:59 | |
everyone knows where they stand, and that's the end of that. | 0:12:59 | 0:13:04 | |
But not for long! | 0:13:04 | 0:13:05 | |
You see, the Lowland Picts, in the south of Caledonia, | 0:13:05 | 0:13:07 | |
start trading with the Romans, | 0:13:07 | 0:13:09 | |
but every time the Romans cross Hadrian's Wall to do a deal, | 0:13:09 | 0:13:12 | |
the Highland Picts from up there run down and attack them. | 0:13:12 | 0:13:15 | |
So the new emperor, Antoninus Pius, | 0:13:15 | 0:13:16 | |
comes up with a groundbreaking new plan - | 0:13:16 | 0:13:18 | |
another wall! | 0:13:18 | 0:13:19 | |
Yes, he builds the Antonine Wall, | 0:13:19 | 0:13:21 | |
which cuts off the warring Highlanders | 0:13:21 | 0:13:23 | |
from the trading Lowlanders. | 0:13:23 | 0:13:25 | |
It's brilliant, it's inspired, it's a complete waste of time, | 0:13:25 | 0:13:28 | |
as the Highlanders just climb over the wall and attack them anyway. | 0:13:28 | 0:13:31 | |
Until, in 211 AD, | 0:13:31 | 0:13:32 | |
when Emperor Septimus Severus says, "Enough is enough," | 0:13:32 | 0:13:35 | |
or the Latin equivalent, | 0:13:35 | 0:13:36 | |
and decides to finally show these Picts what the Romans are made of. | 0:13:36 | 0:13:39 | |
He invades, he fights, he is completely beaten. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:42 | |
Beaten like the eggs in my Aunt Jessie's Victoria sponge mixture, | 0:13:42 | 0:13:45 | |
and let's not forget she's three metres tall | 0:13:45 | 0:13:47 | |
with arms like oak trees. | 0:13:47 | 0:13:48 | |
Anyway, realising that they'll never conquer Caledonia, | 0:13:48 | 0:13:51 | |
the Romans concentrate on Britannia instead, and what a job they do. | 0:13:51 | 0:13:55 | |
They introduce Roman roads, Roman food, Roman coins and Roman noses, | 0:13:55 | 0:13:58 | |
and Britain lives quite happily under Roman rule | 0:13:58 | 0:14:01 | |
for four long centuries. | 0:14:01 | 0:14:02 | |
Until finally, with Rome itself under threat from invaders, | 0:14:02 | 0:14:05 | |
in 410 AD, the Roman army leaves Britain, | 0:14:05 | 0:14:07 | |
taking their technology and noses with them, | 0:14:07 | 0:14:10 | |
and plunging Britain into a cultural decline | 0:14:10 | 0:14:12 | |
often referred to as the Dark Ages. | 0:14:12 | 0:14:14 | |
And how dark was it? | 0:14:14 | 0:14:15 | |
Well, by my estimations, at least as dark as this. | 0:14:15 | 0:14:18 | |
CLANKING | 0:14:18 | 0:14:21 | |
Well, I genuinely don't know what just happened. | 0:14:21 | 0:14:24 | |
Um...Ba...Back to you, Sam. | 0:14:24 | 0:14:25 | |
The Renaissance era in Italy is well known for its rich cultural heritage | 0:14:32 | 0:14:37 | |
but, at the time, Rome was ruled | 0:14:37 | 0:14:39 | |
by some very wealthy and corrupt people, | 0:14:39 | 0:14:42 | |
like Pope Alexander VI. | 0:14:42 | 0:14:44 | |
KNOCK ON DOOR | 0:14:44 | 0:14:46 | |
Yeah, can I help you? | 0:14:46 | 0:14:48 | |
I was hoping for an audience with His Excellency Pope Alexander VI. | 0:14:48 | 0:14:52 | |
Yeah, His Excellency is a little busy right now with church business. | 0:14:52 | 0:14:57 | |
Who is it, Cardinal? | 0:14:58 | 0:15:00 | |
It's a young deacon to see you, Holy Father. | 0:15:00 | 0:15:02 | |
Show him in. | 0:15:02 | 0:15:04 | |
Holy Father. | 0:15:07 | 0:15:09 | |
Kiss it. What can I do for you, my son? | 0:15:09 | 0:15:12 | |
There is no easy way to put this. | 0:15:12 | 0:15:13 | |
There are rumours spreading throughout the Vatican that | 0:15:13 | 0:15:16 | |
you are debauched and corrupt and not fit to hold the office of Pope. | 0:15:16 | 0:15:21 | |
I too have heard these rumours, | 0:15:21 | 0:15:23 | |
but I can assure you there is absolutely no substance to them. | 0:15:23 | 0:15:26 | |
My only desire is to serve the Roman Catholic Church. | 0:15:26 | 0:15:30 | |
Dinner will be ready in five minutes, my little popelet. | 0:15:31 | 0:15:35 | |
Thank you, sweet pea, love you. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:37 | |
DOOR CLOSES | 0:15:37 | 0:15:38 | |
Is there anything else? | 0:15:38 | 0:15:40 | |
Um, you do know that Popes are not allowed to be married, right? | 0:15:40 | 0:15:44 | |
My dear friend, she's not my wife. | 0:15:44 | 0:15:47 | |
-Thank goodness. -She's my girlfriend. | 0:15:47 | 0:15:49 | |
But you must know that any relationship with a woman is | 0:15:49 | 0:15:52 | |
highly inappropriate for a Pope. Next you'll say you have children. | 0:15:52 | 0:15:56 | |
Daddy, can you help me with my Latin homework? | 0:15:56 | 0:15:59 | |
Not now, champ, Daddy's gotta talk popey business with the nice man. | 0:15:59 | 0:16:03 | |
-You run along, OK? -You have a child? | 0:16:03 | 0:16:06 | |
I don't have a child. | 0:16:06 | 0:16:08 | |
I have four, or is it five? | 0:16:08 | 0:16:10 | |
It's so easy to lose count. | 0:16:10 | 0:16:12 | |
But you can't have a family. | 0:16:12 | 0:16:13 | |
-It's OK, I cleared it. -With who? | 0:16:13 | 0:16:15 | |
Pope Alexander VI. | 0:16:15 | 0:16:17 | |
But you are Pope Alexander VI. | 0:16:17 | 0:16:20 | |
Exactly, and I say it's fine. | 0:16:20 | 0:16:22 | |
How in heaven's name were you voted in? | 0:16:22 | 0:16:25 | |
Easy, I bribed all the Cardinals. | 0:16:25 | 0:16:27 | |
Your Excellency, would you sign off on a few more backhanders? | 0:16:27 | 0:16:30 | |
Sure. Couple of cart loads | 0:16:30 | 0:16:32 | |
-of silver should do the trick? -Yes, boss. -OK, get out of here. | 0:16:32 | 0:16:35 | |
A girlfriend, family, bribery and corruption? | 0:16:35 | 0:16:40 | |
Everything I heard about you was true. It is disgusting! | 0:16:40 | 0:16:44 | |
Is there anything you wish to add to your list of crimes | 0:16:44 | 0:16:46 | |
against this most holy of offices before I tell the world? | 0:16:46 | 0:16:50 | |
Yes. | 0:16:50 | 0:16:52 | |
Sometimes I arrange the murder of men who stir up trouble for me. | 0:16:52 | 0:16:56 | |
Well, everything seems to be fine here. | 0:16:58 | 0:17:01 | |
Good luck with all the popey stuff. Ciao! | 0:17:01 | 0:17:04 | |
He's a good kid. He's a good kid. | 0:17:08 | 0:17:11 | |
He's going to go far. | 0:17:11 | 0:17:12 | |
Where's my pizza? | 0:17:12 | 0:17:14 | |
It's true, Pope Alexander VI was notorious | 0:17:16 | 0:17:19 | |
for bribing his way to power. | 0:17:19 | 0:17:21 | |
His actual name was Rodrigo Borgia, and his family, the Borgias, | 0:17:21 | 0:17:27 | |
really put the horrible into Horrible Histories. | 0:17:27 | 0:17:30 | |
# Lucrezia, Giovanni | 0:17:39 | 0:17:41 | |
# Gioffre and Cesare | 0:17:41 | 0:17:43 | |
# Italian barmy army, | 0:17:43 | 0:17:45 | |
# The Borgia Family | 0:17:45 | 0:17:47 | |
# Our daddy was Rodrigo | 0:17:47 | 0:17:49 | |
# I had a monstrous ego | 0:17:49 | 0:17:52 | |
# When he makes trouble we go | 0:17:52 | 0:17:53 | |
# The Borgia Family | 0:17:53 | 0:17:55 | |
# Our tale begins Renaissance Spain | 0:17:55 | 0:17:57 | |
# Its leaders were a shower | 0:17:57 | 0:17:59 | |
# And I ran out of patience so began my quest for power | 0:17:59 | 0:18:03 | |
# I splashed my cash to all the Papal Cardinals in hope | 0:18:03 | 0:18:07 | |
# That they'd be bought | 0:18:07 | 0:18:08 | |
# They were in short | 0:18:08 | 0:18:09 | |
# And I became the Pope | 0:18:09 | 0:18:11 | |
# More power than I oughta | 0:18:11 | 0:18:13 | |
# Blood's thicker than water | 0:18:13 | 0:18:15 | |
# Appoint my sons and daughter | 0:18:15 | 0:18:17 | |
# To run a dynasty | 0:18:17 | 0:18:18 | |
# With Daddy as the Pope I could do as I pleased, was ace | 0:18:18 | 0:18:23 | |
# I'd kill a man who'd dare to like invade my personal space | 0:18:23 | 0:18:26 | |
# I found a husband for Lucrezia | 0:18:26 | 0:18:29 | |
# Rich Giovanni Sforza | 0:18:29 | 0:18:30 | |
# Do you love him? | 0:18:30 | 0:18:32 | |
# Yes, of course, but love is power and money more so | 0:18:32 | 0:18:35 | |
# Now married to the Sforzas | 0:18:35 | 0:18:36 | |
# This opens up new doorses | 0:18:36 | 0:18:38 | |
# The world bows down before us | 0:18:38 | 0:18:40 | |
# The Borgia/Sforza Family | 0:18:40 | 0:18:42 | |
# Oh yes and while we're at it | 0:18:42 | 0:18:44 | |
# We will marry son Gioffre | 0:18:44 | 0:18:46 | |
# Aged 12 but so what, soon we'll be | 0:18:46 | 0:18:48 | |
# The Borgia/Sforza and the Naples family | 0:18:48 | 0:18:51 | |
Ah. | 0:18:51 | 0:18:52 | |
# When the Sforza family eventually bores ya | 0:18:52 | 0:18:55 | |
# We'll just annul the marriage if he refuses to divorce ya | 0:18:55 | 0:19:00 | |
Don't I get a say? | 0:19:00 | 0:19:02 | |
Don't fret, for you another man I'll get, Alfonso of Aragon. | 0:19:02 | 0:19:05 | |
I like him, this could go on and on. | 0:19:05 | 0:19:08 | |
You like him, I've gone off him, his pretty face makes me wince. | 0:19:08 | 0:19:11 | |
You killed him? | 0:19:11 | 0:19:12 | |
Yeah, I'm the model for Machiavelli's Prince. | 0:19:12 | 0:19:15 | |
# Giovanni ran the army | 0:19:15 | 0:19:17 | |
-# But Cesare said... -No way. | 0:19:17 | 0:19:19 | |
# I'll kill you if you cross me | 0:19:19 | 0:19:21 | |
# I might kill you anyway | 0:19:21 | 0:19:23 | |
# I am the mostest powerfulest evillest of all | 0:19:23 | 0:19:27 | |
# As long as Dad's alive there's not a single chance I'll fall | 0:19:27 | 0:19:31 | |
Ugh! | 0:19:31 | 0:19:32 | |
Oh, no. | 0:19:32 | 0:19:33 | |
# We've suddenly lost status, | 0:19:33 | 0:19:35 | |
# It seems the whole world hate us | 0:19:35 | 0:19:37 | |
# They excommunicate us | 0:19:37 | 0:19:39 | |
# The Borgia Family. # | 0:19:39 | 0:19:43 | |
RIP. | 0:19:45 | 0:19:46 | |
Don't worry, the dentist will be with you shortly. | 0:19:56 | 0:19:58 | |
Oh, I hope so. Is Mr Ian good? | 0:19:58 | 0:20:01 | |
-Mr Ian? -Yeah, on the sign outside, Mr George Ian. | 0:20:01 | 0:20:06 | |
Oh no, he's Mr Georgian. He's one of the most modern doctors | 0:20:06 | 0:20:09 | |
here at the historical dentists. You're in safe-ish hands. | 0:20:09 | 0:20:13 | |
Ish? | 0:20:13 | 0:20:14 | |
Ah, good day to you. | 0:20:14 | 0:20:16 | |
I understand you are suffering from some rather serious dental pain. | 0:20:16 | 0:20:19 | |
Not to worry, we Georgian dentists are very advanced in this area. | 0:20:19 | 0:20:23 | |
False teeth, fillings, the ill effects of too much sugar, | 0:20:23 | 0:20:27 | |
-all these things are known to us. -That's very reassuring. | 0:20:27 | 0:20:30 | |
As is the use of sticks, wee and gunpowder in cleaning teeth. | 0:20:30 | 0:20:34 | |
-What? -Hm, odd. | 0:20:34 | 0:20:36 | |
Right, open up, if you wouldn't mind. | 0:20:36 | 0:20:39 | |
Hm, now there is now some rather serious decay there, | 0:20:39 | 0:20:43 | |
and so I could just scrape away the decaying area | 0:20:43 | 0:20:45 | |
-and put a filling in it. -Well that sounds OK. | 0:20:45 | 0:20:48 | |
Shall I heat up the wire, doctor? Takes a while to get it red hot. | 0:20:48 | 0:20:52 | |
What do you need a wire for? | 0:20:52 | 0:20:54 | |
Well, we touch your nerve ending with the red hot wire | 0:20:54 | 0:20:57 | |
to cauterise it. | 0:20:57 | 0:20:59 | |
Now, what sort of filling would you like, lead or beeswax? | 0:20:59 | 0:21:03 | |
Well, neither, lead's poisonous and beeswax will just melt. | 0:21:03 | 0:21:07 | |
I could do you a porcelain one | 0:21:07 | 0:21:09 | |
but, the solution we use in that process kills the tooth | 0:21:09 | 0:21:12 | |
so you'd end up with a white filling in a black tooth. | 0:21:12 | 0:21:14 | |
No, and frankly I don't want a red hot wire in my mouth anyway. | 0:21:14 | 0:21:18 | |
-Aah! -Yes. Now you do seem to be in a lot of pain. | 0:21:18 | 0:21:21 | |
I don't see why I shouldn't just remove the whole tooth. | 0:21:21 | 0:21:25 | |
-Will that hurt? -Not unless I take half your jaw with it. | 0:21:25 | 0:21:28 | |
-What? -Now don't worry, that only happens | 0:21:28 | 0:21:30 | |
when a Georgian barber does your dental work. | 0:21:30 | 0:21:33 | |
I, on the other hand, am a professional operator to the teeth. | 0:21:33 | 0:21:36 | |
That's what Georgians used to call dentists, it's very grand. | 0:21:36 | 0:21:39 | |
We shall just remove the bad tooth and replace it with a false one. | 0:21:39 | 0:21:43 | |
Bit on the large side, isn't it? | 0:21:45 | 0:21:47 | |
Oh, I see, well I'm not going to... and then, oh, oh, oh. | 0:21:47 | 0:21:51 | |
No, no, that's not going to happen. | 0:21:51 | 0:21:53 | |
Mandy will simply carve a false tooth from this walrus tusk. | 0:21:53 | 0:21:56 | |
Right away, Mr Georgian. | 0:21:56 | 0:21:58 | |
Well, that sounds all right. | 0:21:58 | 0:22:00 | |
-Right, lie on the floor for me, please. -What for? | 0:22:00 | 0:22:03 | |
So I can clamp your head between my legs and rip out the tooth. | 0:22:03 | 0:22:07 | |
Oh. | 0:22:08 | 0:22:10 | |
-Oh, that's strange. -Was it something you said? | 0:22:10 | 0:22:13 | |
Did you know George Washington, the first President of America, | 0:22:14 | 0:22:18 | |
had dentures made from hippo and elephant ivory? Ah! | 0:22:18 | 0:22:22 | |
Hey, they must have been huge! | 0:22:22 | 0:22:25 | |
What was that? | 0:22:25 | 0:22:26 | |
They were carved down? Oh, that's boring. | 0:22:26 | 0:22:29 | |
Still, he couldn't have looked any sillier than most posh Georgians | 0:22:29 | 0:22:33 | |
with their ever-changing fashions. | 0:22:33 | 0:22:35 | |
-Well? -Well what? | 0:22:38 | 0:22:40 | |
You haven't noticed? | 0:22:40 | 0:22:42 | |
-Yes, I have. -Well, then. | 0:22:42 | 0:22:44 | |
You've got extra padding on your calves. | 0:22:44 | 0:22:47 | |
Oh, doesn't my hair look different? | 0:22:47 | 0:22:49 | |
Oh, of course, you've got a new wig. | 0:22:49 | 0:22:51 | |
Of course I've got a new wig! | 0:22:51 | 0:22:53 | |
Lord Humbertold is visiting from the city. | 0:22:53 | 0:22:55 | |
He always wears the latest fashion, | 0:22:55 | 0:22:56 | |
so I thought I'd pick out something a little more a la mode. | 0:22:56 | 0:23:00 | |
Right, well, I think a bigwig like me | 0:23:00 | 0:23:03 | |
should look like a bigwig by having a big wig. | 0:23:03 | 0:23:06 | |
But it's so last reign. George III's been in power for decades now. | 0:23:06 | 0:23:10 | |
Yes, well, you know what they say, fashion comes around every 30 years. | 0:23:10 | 0:23:14 | |
< Lord Humbertold. | 0:23:14 | 0:23:15 | |
He's arrived. Quick, hide behind me, maybe he won't see you. | 0:23:15 | 0:23:19 | |
Oh, good gracious, look at Lord Humbertold. | 0:23:20 | 0:23:24 | |
You're not wearing a wig, you look ridiculous. | 0:23:24 | 0:23:26 | |
-BOTH: -No wiggy, no wiggy, no wiggy! | 0:23:26 | 0:23:32 | |
Did a thief lean into your coach and steal the wig from off of your head? | 0:23:32 | 0:23:36 | |
It can happen, you know. | 0:23:38 | 0:23:39 | |
There's a real black market for second-hand wigs now. | 0:23:39 | 0:23:42 | |
I haven't had my wig stolen. | 0:23:42 | 0:23:44 | |
You lot in the shires are so behind the times, | 0:23:44 | 0:23:46 | |
everyone in town knows the fashion's changing. | 0:23:46 | 0:23:49 | |
It's fast becoming deeply unfashionable to wear a wig at all. | 0:23:49 | 0:23:53 | |
I knew that. Wigs are so passe. | 0:23:53 | 0:23:56 | |
But, Cumberland, you just said... | 0:23:56 | 0:23:58 | |
Crimlington, you look ridiculous. | 0:23:58 | 0:24:00 | |
-BOTH: -Wiggy, wiggy, wiggy, wiggy! | 0:24:00 | 0:24:05 | |
Shut up, all right, just shut up, shut up so much! | 0:24:05 | 0:24:07 | |
I thought you were my friend. | 0:24:10 | 0:24:12 | |
HE CRIES | 0:24:12 | 0:24:13 | |
Pain. Diagnosis? | 0:24:24 | 0:24:26 | |
Analysis, arthritis, | 0:24:28 | 0:24:30 | |
eczema, gangrene, haemorrhoids, anaemia, acne. | 0:24:30 | 0:24:37 | |
Anxiety. | 0:24:37 | 0:24:38 | |
Hallucinations, amnesia, mania, paralysis, allergy. | 0:24:38 | 0:24:45 | |
Haemorrhage. | 0:24:45 | 0:24:47 | |
-Oh, oh! -Hysteria. | 0:24:47 | 0:24:48 | |
Pharmacy? | 0:24:50 | 0:24:52 | |
Antiseptic? | 0:24:52 | 0:24:53 | |
Autopsy. | 0:24:55 | 0:24:56 | |
Sympathy. | 0:24:57 | 0:24:59 | |
We Greeks made great progress in the science of medicine, | 0:25:04 | 0:25:08 | |
but not all our methods were so very advanced. | 0:25:08 | 0:25:11 | |
Phoar! Something smells fishy in Greece, | 0:25:11 | 0:25:15 | |
and I'm not just talking about the taramasalata. | 0:25:15 | 0:25:18 | |
I'm Dom Duckworth, here to investigate the highly dubious | 0:25:18 | 0:25:21 | |
medical practices of the so-called Asklepian doctor priests. | 0:25:21 | 0:25:25 | |
I've come to the temple of Asklepius, the Greek god of healing, | 0:25:26 | 0:25:31 | |
where a doctor priest is making some pretty bold claims. | 0:25:31 | 0:25:35 | |
Last week this man only had one eye. | 0:25:35 | 0:25:39 | |
While he slept, Asklepius rubbed ointment onto his eyelid | 0:25:40 | 0:25:46 | |
and, behold, he woke up with two eyes. | 0:25:46 | 0:25:49 | |
I am cured. | 0:25:49 | 0:25:51 | |
CROWD: Ooh! | 0:25:51 | 0:25:52 | |
Never happened. | 0:25:52 | 0:25:53 | |
And when this Spartan boy was suffering from water on the brain, | 0:25:53 | 0:25:58 | |
Asklepius cut off his head, drained off the water | 0:25:58 | 0:26:03 | |
and stitched it back on again. | 0:26:03 | 0:26:05 | |
Look, no scars. | 0:26:05 | 0:26:07 | |
CROWD: Ooh! | 0:26:07 | 0:26:08 | |
In our care, everyone gets better and no-one dies. | 0:26:09 | 0:26:14 | |
We're proud of our 100% no-death record. | 0:26:14 | 0:26:18 | |
Excuse me, Dom Duckworth, can I have word? | 0:26:18 | 0:26:20 | |
-No comment. -Where did you get the money from, mate? -No comment. | 0:26:20 | 0:26:24 | |
Why won't you talk to me? | 0:26:24 | 0:26:26 | |
So, how do they keep up their 100% no-deaths record? | 0:26:26 | 0:26:29 | |
We spoke to this bloke. | 0:26:29 | 0:26:31 | |
If you've got a cold or something you'll easily recover from, | 0:26:31 | 0:26:34 | |
the doctor priests will let you in, | 0:26:34 | 0:26:36 | |
but if it's serious and you're likely to die, they won't. | 0:26:36 | 0:26:38 | |
-And how do you know this? -They refused to let me in. | 0:26:38 | 0:26:41 | |
And there's worse. | 0:26:45 | 0:26:46 | |
This is Nigel, a slave who works at the temple. | 0:26:46 | 0:26:50 | |
-Permission to speak, Nigel. -Thank you. | 0:26:52 | 0:26:54 | |
If someone dies when they're in the temple | 0:26:54 | 0:26:57 | |
we have to dump their body in the woods. | 0:26:57 | 0:26:59 | |
Actually, there's a huge pile of rotting dead corpses | 0:27:00 | 0:27:03 | |
in a fetid, rancid heap, I could show you if you like? | 0:27:03 | 0:27:05 | |
No, you're all right, mate. | 0:27:05 | 0:27:07 | |
It's time for Dom to go undercover. | 0:27:09 | 0:27:11 | |
I've put on the old helmet-cam, I'm going to front things up. Ssh! | 0:27:11 | 0:27:15 | |
Excuse me, I need to see an Asklepian doctor priest. | 0:27:15 | 0:27:19 | |
-Is it serious? -I'll say it's serious. | 0:27:19 | 0:27:21 | |
-Well, then I'm busy. -I don't mean it's serious as in I'm seriously ill, | 0:27:21 | 0:27:25 | |
I mean the whole temple thing is just a scam for making money. | 0:27:25 | 0:27:28 | |
What have you got to say for yourself? | 0:27:28 | 0:27:30 | |
Have you met the temple's sacred hounds? Get him! | 0:27:30 | 0:27:34 | |
Oh no, oh no! You've done it this time, Dom. | 0:27:34 | 0:27:37 | |
BARKING | 0:27:37 | 0:27:38 | |
Oh, why do you do it, Dom? | 0:27:38 | 0:27:40 | |
Next week, I'll be investigating the Oracle at Corinth. | 0:27:43 | 0:27:47 | |
Can you really hear voices of the gods coming from below, | 0:27:47 | 0:27:50 | |
or is it just a priest shouting up a hole? | 0:27:50 | 0:27:52 | |
My guess is it's just a priest. Right, I need a hospital, cheers. | 0:27:52 | 0:27:55 | |
# We gave you all the fearsome facts... # | 0:27:55 | 0:27:57 | |
If you enjoyed that, why not come and play? | 0:27:57 | 0:28:00 | |
Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories. | 0:28:00 | 0:28:04 | |
See you there. | 0:28:04 | 0:28:06 | |
# The past is no longer a mystery | 0:28:06 | 0:28:08 | |
# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. # | 0:28:08 | 0:28:10 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media | 0:28:10 | 0:28:12 |