Episode 12 Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

Disease was rife in Victorian London and so the graveyards filled up

very quickly and we had to find other places to bury our dead.

Good day.

-Hello.

-Hello!

Two tickets to Brookwood, please.

Single or return ticket, madam?

Return for me and a single for my husband.

Taking the Necropolis Railway, are we?

Yes, it's very convenient.

When you run out of room to bury people in the city,

it does make sense to put your cemeteries further out.

Plus you get a lovely day out in the countryside.

Yeah. And my husband does love trains. Well, he did.

Of course he did. First class, second class or third class?

First class for me.

-And your husband?

-Can he go in the luggage rack?

Afraid not, would he like a window seat?

Well, he doesn't really need a view.

No, but it's easier to shove him out at the cemetery.

Excuse me, are you going to be long, only I lost my husband last week.

You and me both.

No, no, I lost him on the train.

Oh, right you are - well, I think you might be in luck. Somebody

handed him in last week and I, for one, will not be sad to see him go.

Could you lot hurry up? All my relatives have died of consumption.

Do you have a family railcard, sir?

Would you be interested in a family railcard?

What do you think, darling? Yes.

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# They're funny cos they're true, woo

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# Hope next time it's not you. #

Oh, guys, what can I say - such a nice surprise, happy death day.

I love you guys, I th...

What? Yes, best get on with it, the sooner we finish,

the sooner we can have some cake.

Next! And you are?

Robert Cocking,

professional watercolour artist and amateur scientist.

Oh, goody, amateur scientists are so much more fun

than professional ones. Go on.

Well, I was very keen on science,

particularly the science of parachutes.

Sounds promising.

I witnessed the first ever parachute jump in England in 1802

-and was convinced I could design a better one.

-Ah, hah.

So, I made some drawings and, and some calculations,

Basically, I left nothing to chance, you know.

-You wouldn't, would you?

-I was so confident it would work

that I resolved to test it myself

by leaping 180 metres from a hot air balloon.

I'm guessing the parachute didn't work?

What do you think I'm doing here? I don't understand it,

I calculated the parachute exactly the right size for my weight.

Well, yes, but it would have to carry your weight plus its own weight,

-Obv!

-What?

You didn't forget to factor in the weight

-of the parachute itself, did you?

-Ah!

You nincompoop! No wonder it didn't work.

Hey, wouldn't it have been a good idea to test it with a dummy first?

Oh, hang on a minute, you did!

-Yeah.

-Him being the dummy.

Oh, you got it. Well, tell your face!

You're through to the afterlife.

Oh, do you know, I think his story might be my best present ever,

the icing on the cake. Shall we have a piece?

What...

You just couldn't wait, could you, honestly! Ruined everything.

Well, he has.

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# Hope next time it's not you. #

That's right.

Robert Cocking forgot to include the weight of

his very heavy parachute in his calculations.

See, I've always said maths was bad for your health. Huh!

I've never noticed you on the High Street before, are you new?

Oh no, we're old, we're very old.

This is an historical dentist,

all out dentists are from different historical periods.

Oh, so this Mr Roman actually is...

Ovulus denticus tonsillitis. Don't get up.

Now, don't worry we, Romans are advanced in all fields of medicine.

After all, it was a Roman doctor who found the cure for a twisted spine.

Which was?

He placed enormous stones on the patient's back,

and when he took them off,

the patient was the straightest backed corpse you'd ever seen.

You mean, he died?

Let's not focus on the negative, open wide.

Well, I can see straight away your teeth are far too long.

We Romans have much stubbier teeth.

It's because of the bits of millstone in the bread we eat,

it grinds them down.

Would you like me to file yours down for you?

Er, no, thanks. It's just sore gums, really.

Well, don't worry, we can soon sort that out.

Mandy, do we have any hair from a crucified man?

We're out.

Shame, it does seem to cure anything,

never mind.

Er, no, there's no need for the...

I'm not going to hurt you, I'm a Roman, not a barbarian.

No, we need the blood from a man who's been killed in a violent way

and I think we've run out.

-Would you mind fetching some for me, Mandy?

-Certainly, Mr Tonsillitis.

Put that on the gums will sort you right out.

Argh!

-They never outrun Mandy.

-Argh!

-Rinse, please.

This water tastes funny.

That's because it isn't water.

See, we Romans have found that wee can be a very effective

cleansing agent.

Can you?

No, no, wee can, urine.

And it's sterile, unlike Roman water, which can be lethal -

but don't worry, the blood will take away the taste.

Here's the blood, doctor.

-Was he killed in a violent way?

-Oh, extremely!

Good, that's very important.

Now, one more rinse and I'll put the old blood on the gums.

Strangest thing, gums suddenly feel fine,

it's a miracle. I'm just...

Um, sorry, before you go, we've run out of rinsing liquid and, er,

we've both been.

Yeah, not going to happen.

-Great.

-Hm.

The answer is all three, pretty nasty.

So if you were sentenced to death in Roman times you might prefer

a visit to the Tarpeian Rock.

Oh, the relief at last. Thank the gods.

You have done Tarpeian Rock duty, before?

No, I can't say I have.

Not to worry,

just follow my instructions and no-one should get hurt.

SCREAMS THEN A THUD

Except the criminals who get thrown off the cliff, obviously.

You only get chucked off the Tarpeian Rock

if you've been sentenced to death.

Your job is to make sure that all the criminals

are well and truly dead.

Yeah, he's a goner, all right. Now, don't worry,

it's quite a big drop so we don't get many survivors.

ARRRRGGH!

THUD

Oh, I'm alive, oh, I can't believe it!

Not any more he's not, you can do the next one.

-Do I have to?

-Oh, yes, we get all sorts down here.

Murderers, traitors, thieving slaves and people who've lied in court.

SCREAM THEN THUD

It's OK, I'm dead I'm totally dead.

It's all right, he's already dead.

That's one of the liars.

Now, is there anything I've forgotten? Oh, yes.

SCREAMS

Always keep nice and tight to the cliff wall.

Ah, should have started with that, shouldn't I?

My bad.

Five eager chefs, five historical eras, but just one prize.

Who will be crowned Historical MasterChef?

I'm looking thoughtful.

I'm shouting.

Ernest is head chef at the White Heart Inn.

He's hoping that the Tudor food he serves to

guests from the 1500s will appeal to the judges today.

Chicken looks nice and plump there, mate.

You don't have very many vegetables?

No, all intelligent Tudors know vegetables carry disease.

I don't think so, mate, I used to be a greengrocer.

Exactly, look what happened to your hair.

So, will Ernest's meaty Tudor offerings hit the spot?

For my main I'm serving a nice, juicy roast chicken.

Cor, my kind of menu, John.

Oh, what's happened there?

Well, I bought my chicken from a door-to-door salesman, I suppose

he must have sewn up its bottom so that it looked nice and plump.

-You mean it was full of...

-I'm afraid so.

Oh, no.

With plan A all over his face,

let's hope that Ernest has got a plan B that isn't a load of plan A.

Ernest, you'd better have a pudding lined up, mate,

otherwise your whole meal is going to be a wash out.

Well, actually I'm starting with the pudding.

It's a Tudor delicacy made entirely from sugar, hm.

My state-of-the-art Tudor sugar's gone, it's gone.

Don't be upset. It's gone to a much better place.

So, you've got nothing for us to eat at all.

Only the plate.

Oh, the plate, right.

No, the plate's made of sugar, too.

Lovely, yeah.

Ernest, your chicken exploded in your face

and your pudding disappeared.

But on the plus side, you do make excellent crockery.

For that reason, we are putting you through to the next round,

-congratulations.

-Yes!

-Your sugar cutlery needs a bit of work.

-Actually, that's not my spoon.

Argh.

One person who loved his Tudor food was King Henry XIII,

and towards the end of his life he got increasingly paranoid

that someone was trying to kill him.

"And so the big fat King lived happily ever after."

That's nice, well, I think I'm ready for beddy.

And do you have everything you need, Your Majesty?

Yes, I think so.

I have my little hat in case I die in the night,

but I won't die in the night, will I, Chamberlain?

No, no, Your Majesty, you're in great shape, but best take the crown.

-That way if you do die...

-Huh?

-..which you won't,

then everyone in the afterlife will know you were a king.

And I have my royal bottom wiper in case I need to go for a poo.

Good evening, Your Majesty.

Assassin!

That's just your royal bottom wiper, sire.

Oh, yes, yes, I knew that.

-Well, I shall bid you goodnight, then.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, Chamberlain, brick up the door on your way out, will you?

-Don't you mean shut the door, Your Majesty?

-No, no.

I want to have it bricked up from now on.

Call me an increasingly mad and paranoid old fool,

but anyone could wander in and murder me in my sleep.

Only the other night I found a man hiding at the end of my bed.

That was me, Your Majesty.

There he is again!

That's just your royal bottom wiper!

Yes, I knew that. Well, anyway, anyone can wander in

but if I have a brick wall built right across my bedroom door

every night, I shall be as safe as houses, won't I?

I've already booked a builder, yeah.

That's a very wise and sensible precaution.

-Yeah.

-Good night, Your Majesty.

-Good night, yeah.

Chamberlain.

Your Majesty.

Am I to starve to death bricked up in here without

so much of a snack to get me through the night?

I'm so sorry, Your Majesty.

Ah, that's more like it. Deep fried boar stuffed with venison.

HE BREAKS WIND

You called, Sire.

Oh, assassin!

Hm.

Henry the XIII became

so fat they had to use a small crane to take him upstairs.

Now, I'm no doctor but when you need a crane to carry you upstairs

it's probably time to go on a diet.

Do you have financial worries,

worried that a Viking might steal all your treasure?

Then why not invest your money the Saxon way, with Saxon Bank.

Yes, Saxon Bank is literally a bank, a bank of earth, because burying

your money in the ground is the simplest way

to keep it safe from Vikings.

With easy 24-hour access, thanks to our handy holes

in the ground system and interest rates are at an all-time low,

so your secret fortune will attract zero interest.

Yes, that's right, absolutely no interest at all, except from worms.

Just don't forget where you buried it all.

Now, was it three pine trees across and four up, or four and three?

Oh, no, I can't remember my pine number!

Saxon Bank, where the earth bank is your bank.

Free spade when you open your first Saxon Bank account.

"Pine number"! As tree puns go that was Oak-eh.

Ha ha!

I'm wasted here, I am!

Anyway, it's true, Saxons used to bury their money

and treasure in the ground for safe keeping.

It was certainly one way to keep your money safe from Vikings.

The other way was to fight them off like this famous Saxon did.

Hello. I'm Alfred the Great.

Great? We'll judge that after your movie idea.

You could be Alfred the flop.

Alfred the box office bomb.

Alfred the turkey.

I really think I've got something, the story of my life.

Losers thinking they're interesting, that's the story of my life.

-Nice one!

-This is really good.

It starts with me defeated by the Danes, I'm on the run.

I've got nothing but a few followers and I'm hiding out in a marsh

but, from there I make small guerrilla attacks on the Danes

and gradually with each victory I start to build an army,

a full-time army, and navy too.

Then, at the climax of the story, the battle of Edington, I defeat

the Danes and create a new country that today you call England.

Ergh! Yeah, what you've created there, my friend, is

a massively over budget boreathon.

Alfred the Great. Aren't you the cake guy?

Oh, please, not this again.

-He is, he's the cake guy.

-Cake guy?

-The cake guy.

He was hiding out in an old woman's cottage and she told him

not to burn the cakes but he forgot, so she started battering him

and he could have stopped her by saying, "I'm the King,"

but it would have blown his cover.

Yes, it's a lovely little story, but it's not true, it didn't happen.

Age the old lady down, I'm thinking Jennifer Aniston.

-I love her.

-We've got a romcom smash.

Please, I achieved so much, I invented the candle clock.

And burnt some cakes.

I revolutionised government and taxation, reformed the legal system.

-Cake guy.

-I wrote books, I had spectacular military successes

-and I built the foundations of a new country.

-Cake guy.

I don't want to be remembered for a cake story that never happened.

This could be a great movie.

You're right, and guess what, it's called, Alfred The Cake.

Get Ashton Kutcher on the phone, we've got a hit.

-Ashton Kutcher.

-Look out, cake guy's getting upset.

Could we get this guy a, a cup of tea?

Oh and a, a cake.

I hate you so much.

The answer is C, his hand was cut off

and fastened to the workshop door.

Hero.

Colossal dragon.

Epic.

School.

Apology. Amnesia.

History, music, geography, philosophy, biology,

economics, mathematics.

Disaster.

Practise grammar.

Catastrophe.

We really valued education in ancient Greece

so perhaps that's why we discovered so many marvellous things.

Nickos Ancient Greekious,

in that last round, your chosen specialised subject,

the ancient Greek Olympic Games,

you scored a quite frankly annoying maximum 20 points.

But in this next round, general knowledge, there's lots of

modern stuff so I'm afraid you don't stand a snowball's chance in Hades.

-We'll see about that.

-We'll see about that.

-Well, we will see about that.

-WE will see about that.

-Yes, we will.

-Er, we will.

-As I said.

Your time starts - we'll see about that - now.

What shape is the Earth?

-Round.

-Yes, that's correct.

Greek philosopher Pythagoras worked that one out before 500 BC.

Well, you got lucky there, I think. Who invented yo-yo's?

We Greeks did.

Correct. Well, you'll never get this one.

What is a vending machine?

A machine that dispenses stuff when you put coins in it.

How on Earth did you know that?

Because Heron of Alexandria invented one in the first century AD.

Oh, "Heron of Alexandria..." You'll never get this one.

Who invented steam power? I'm going to have to hurry you?

Was it Heron of Alexandria again?

No, I'm...

Yes, it was, that's, that's correct. Who invented yo-yo's?

-Er, er, we did.

-Correct.

Who suggested that a rainbow was a natural phenomenon

-and not a sign from the gods?

-Anaximenes.

Correct again.

Are we sure these are right because he's getting a lot of them?

Yep, OK.

Who first realised that sea levels had risen and fallen

over long periods of time?

Er, was it Xenophanes?

Correct, it was around 500 AD. Who invented yo-yo's?

-We did.

-Yes, that's correct, sorry, that question keeps coming back.

Who first suggested the idea of atoms?

That would be Greek philosopher Democritus.

Correct. Who invented democracy?

-Democritus.

-Wrong! You're wrong.

I've got you.

-Well, it must have been him.

-No, no, that's just a co-incidence.

Democracy actually means the rule of the people.

And I'm afraid your time is up, Nickos Ancient Greekious,

in that last round you got one question wrong.

What about all the ones I got right?

Well, I prefer to focus on the one that you got wrong.

Sore loser.

And you are an ex-contestant, leave the studio now, please, leave it.

Yes, those ancient Greeks sure were a smart bunch.

Greek brain box Aristotle was said to have known everything

there was to know.

Oh, yeah?

I bet he didn't know what's the tastiest bit of a rotten pig.

Some Greeks were great lateral thinkers and none more so

than Alexander the Great.

Roll up, roll up, have a go at untying the Gordian Knot.

How about you, sir, you look like a Cretan.

-What did you say?

-A Cretan, an inhabitant of the island of Crete.

Well known for their intelligence and good looks.

No, no, no, I'm from Isos.

Oh well, why not have a go at untying the Gordian Knot?

What do I win if I untie it?

This, standard issue, poorly crafted garden ornament.

I'm joking! You actually win Asia.

Asia, all of it?

Yeah, legend has it whoever unties the Gordian Knot will become

King of all of Asia.

Oh, that's nice, I reckon if I

-won that the missus from Isos will kiss us.

-I reckon she probably will.

Right, um, what, what kind of knot is this?

Well, I told you,

it's your Gordian Knot guaranteed 100% impossible to undo.

You didn't tell me it was impossible.

Of course I didn't, you wouldn't have a go if I told you that

and I never tire of watching people fail to untie it.

Make way for Alexander the Great!

So, this is the famous Gordian Knot.

Oh, I didn't know it was famous.

Legendary. This is the very knot, your greatness.

I wouldn't waste your time, mate, it's a con,

this knot is 100% impossible to undo.

Oi, you can't do that!

Actually, no, you're right, no-one said you couldn't use a sword.

Now, where's my Asia?

Um, sort of...over there.

Right, thanks.

You any good at tying knots?

I did bunny ears.

I'll give that a whirl, yeah.

Hello, and welcome to the News At When. When?

During the reign of George the III, when Britain, and indeed

most of Europe, finds itself under threat from Napoleon Bonaparte,

a brilliant if slightly power-crazed French emperor.

Here with more details on this fascinating man is Bob Hale,

with the Napoleon report - Bob.

Thank you, Sam.

Well, "History is a set of lies that people have agreed upon."

Who said that? Well, I did just then but I was only quoting this chap.

Yes, it's Napoleon Bonaparte, France's most famous general,

who history has admittedly told a few porky pies about.

For one thing, he wasn't that short, in fact he was 1.7 metres tall,

the same height as Tom Cruise, and he's not short, is he?

So, talking of short, not that he was short, this is the short history

of Napoleon Bonaparte, starting right here in Corsica,

where, in 1769, he makes his first important strategic move, being born.

Then he makes another one, moving over here to France

and training as an army officer. And as a soldier he is revolutionary.

A French revolutionary, as he helps to overthrow the monarchy

and protect the new people's government.

An act which wins him fame, wealth, influence and helicopters.

Though possibly not the last one.

In fact, by 1796, our little soldier boy, not that he's little,

is in control of the entire French army, and that's the end of that.

But not for long!

With an entire army under his belt, though not literally,

Napoleon sets about showing what he can do, invading Italy

and Austria and attacking British trade routes over here in Egypt.

A tactically brilliant plan which surprisingly falls short,

not that he's short.

-Leaving him without so much as a boat to sail home with.

-Ah!

You can say ah if you want, but it's up to you.

But, when he finally gets home to France,

he has a nice surprise waiting for him and, no, it's not a helicopter.

With the government bankrupt,

the people want someone else to run the country.

And guess who gets the job, Napoleon!

Yes, after a brief spell as governor,

he declares himself Emperor of France, King of Italy

and Sultan of Swing, though not the last one.

How does he celebrate? Why, by having another war.

He's utterly thrashed by Nelson's navy at the battle of Trafalgar,

but he makes a cracking comeback, beating both Russia and Austria.

And as a well done present to himself,

builds a huge arch of triumph - can't remember what it's called.

But, he doesn't stop there, oh, no -

he brings even more countries into this new French Empire,

which make lovely presents for the family.

He gives Spain to his brother Joseph,

makes big brother Louis King of Holland

while his other brother, Gerome, gets some of Prussia.

It makes a change from socks.

In fact, there's just no stopping those Bonaparte boys right up until

the point when someone stops those Bonaparte boys.

It turns out that the countries of Europe

don't much like being conquered, so they start a war against Napoleon

and this time he really gets caught short, not that he's short.

He loses the war, gets captured and tries to poison himself to death.

But his plan hits a hiccup when the poison gives him hiccups,

and he just vomits it all back up again.

So the allies kick him off the throne,

exile him to the tiny island of Elba and presumably clean up the vomit.

And that is the end of that.

But not for long! And I mean really not for long.

Within just 100 days, Napoleon escapes from the island,

gets back to France, raises an army and, yeah, you've guessed it,

starts another war.

He strikes back at Europe, facing the Duke of Wellington at Waterloo.

A battle which, unsurprisingly, proves to be his Waterloo.

Yes, he gets his little pants thrashed off,

not that he's little, and is made to live out the rest of his life

on St Helena.

An island even smaller than Elba. Well, how small is it?

Well, I'll tell you.

If that's Elba, that's St Helena, that's the scale of a football pitch,

that's a London bus, Napoleon, Tom Cruise,

a sheep, a dog, a cat, a mouse,

a spider, a baby spider, an atom and

that's how much energy I've got left after explaining all of that to you.

Oh, honestly, I just need...

Oh, oh, yeah.

Why on earth do I do these standing up?

Oh, back to you, Sam.

In 1805, the French army under Napoleon

were the dominant land power, but when it came to naval power,

the British navy under Admiral Lord Nelson simply ruled the waves.

Anchors away, boys.

# We're the Georgian Navy

# We've never been beat

# Thanks to Admiral Nelson

# Commander of the fleet. #

The only things I've ever lost are this eye and this arm.

-Yes, playing with these balls can really do you harm.

-Ow!

# He's the gaffer, he's the boss Knows every naval trick

# Surprising thing about him Is sailing makes him sick

# Georgian Navy!

# Georgian Navy!

# This is going to be your Waterloo

# Nelson's Navy!

# Nelson's Navy!

# We're going to sink one more than you

# England expects every man to do his duty, right?

# Your side's not just from Engerland - you trying to start a fight? #

I'm from Scotland.

-Ireland.

-Wales.

-I've transferred from the French.

# We've even got West Indians sitting on the bench

# Some of them were forced to sign some chose to join my crew

# We fight to get our win bonus - mostly we fight for you

-# Engerland!

-Sort of

-# Engerland!

-Well, no, it's not

# We're going to sink one more than you

# Rule Britannia

# Rule Britannia

# When it comes to my attack the Gunners are my team

# We've got the strongest arsenal the world has ever seen

# Thanks to drill and practice we are magic with a ball

# Means the French and Spanish ships don't stand a chance at all

# We can get nasty injuries - sometimes it's best to dive

# If you're hit by the enemy you're lucky to survive. #

Magic sponge?

Magic saw!

# You've got to wait to fight

# Only do it when it's right

# You've got to break their line

# They'll be swimming in the brine

# Pick your time to shoot!

# Then their ships we're going to loot

# Going to be a hoot

# For scurvy have some fruit! #

Half time orange, anyone?

# Georgian Navy!

# Georgian Navy!

# Won at Trafalgar but got shot - ow!

# Nelson's Navy

# Nelson's Navy. #

You think it's all over?

-Kiss me, Hardy.

-..it is now!

# Tall tales, atrocious acts

# We gave you all the fearsome facts... #

If you enjoyed that, why not come and play?

Go to the CBBC Website and click on Horrible Histories.

See you there!

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed

# Horrible Histories. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd