Episode 13 Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians

# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crime Punishments from ancient times

# Roman, rotten, rank and ruthless

# Cavemen, savage Fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, reigning stages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to... #

Scrappus! Scrappus!

Scrappus! Oh, where's he gone now?

Ooh, hello, there!

My nephew's staying with me and he is a real handful. Ha!

Scrappus! There you are.

Come on in here.

I'm going to put on some of our brilliant songs to distract him.

Come on, Scrappus. Look at the funny Greek Philosophers.

# Here we come

# Through the market square

# With our funny

# Clothes and hair

# Aristotle

# And Socrates

-# Plato

-And Diogenes

# Four fab scholars With our Greek philosophies

# Hey, hey! We're the thinkers

# Wonderin' what life is for

# We're paid to try and think up

# The answer to that and more

# People found me irritating

# Thanks to my interrogating

# Like a toddler Was always asking why

# What is wisdom? What is beauty?

# What is nature? What is duty?

# Taught everything I know to this next guy

# I'm Plato, was his pupil thinker

# Ended up with inky fingers

# Writing every word he taught me down

# Also had my own theory

# Like for everything that we see

# There's a perfect version to be found

# Ooooohhh!

# Hey, hey! We're the thinkers

# Mega brainy ancient Greeks

# We're always busy thinking

# Cos the truth is what we seek

# My name is Diogenes

# I'm not one to say thanks or please

# Hugged statues and walked barefoot in the snow

# Never believed in possessions

# Thought they gave the wrong impression

# Put faith in total freedom Don't ya know?

# I studied at Plato's Academy

# Taught Alex the Great I know everything, me

# Intrigued by the world Wanted to show it all

# I took all their theories higher

# Discovered water, ether, earth, air and fire

# Learned every science I'm Mister Know-It-All

# Hey, hey! We're the thinkers

# Very witty, very wise

# No-one can hoodwink us

# We are Athens' brainiest guys

# Not everyone likes smarties though

# Even Socrates had his foe

# When tried for treason He simply said... #

Why?

# They sentenced him to drink hemlock

# He said...

# You know if I take stock I am annoying

# I'll take that and die

# Hey, hey! We're the thinkers

# Politicians gave us strife

# But we don't give a tinkers

# Cos we taught them all about life.

# Oooooooooh. #

What did you think? Hmm?

You especially liked the gory bit about Socrates dying?

I bet you did.

Well, if you like gore, you'll love the Tudors.

Here's Mary I.

# King Henry Eighth, my father

# Hoped I'd have some Tudor brothers

# Mum had no sons, so rather I got plenty of stepmothers

# When at last Prince Ed was born

# The crown I bid adieu

# They said as King he must be sworn

# Boys go first in the queue

# But there's no need to worry if at first you don't succeed

# When Ed died I swept aside the rest and was decreed...

# Mary I, that's me

# Tudor lady and Queen of England

# Not to be confused with Mary Queen of Scots

# Not the same, see Though weirdly

# She's a cousin to me

# Some tried to say Lady Jane Grey should be Queen after Ed

# But England wanted me, hooray! So poor Jane lost her head

# The Protestants were saying that my ruling made them sick

# Cos when it came to praying my tastes were Cath-o-lic

# They revolted, challenged me Fuelled my great desire

# To tie 300 to a stake Light touch paper, then retire

# Mary I, that's me

# Called the Bloody Queen of England

# Not what I intended Tried to be good, you see

# But history only remembers

# I was a catastrophe

# Married Philip, King of Spain, who then left me

# England thought he was a pain especially

# Cos he told me to attack France with troops

# And when the French advanced we lost Calais, oops!

# Throughout my reign, it rained and rained - it poured upon the poor

# The harvest failed No food remained

# And flu killed many more

# Burned protestants and wed a fool Led armies to defeat

# Burned more Prots, I'd say my rule was short but not that sweet

# I had no kids, named half-sis Liz as Big Queen Bess to be

# So long as she would rule the land as a Catholic Queen like me

# Lizee didn't listen

# She made the country Protestant

# Meaning my legacy was ruined, see

# Everything I tried to achieve

# Went down the Swanee. #

Bit embarrassing, really.

Yes, Elizabeth taking over brought a sea change in religion

and a sea change in language too, thanks to her favourite playwright,

William Shakespeare, who came up with the phrase "a sea change."

He-he-he!

# My name is Shakespeare William

# I owned a feather quill, I am

# The writer most familiar to you

# My way with words amazes me

# Came up with so many phrases, me

# That still the number dazes me too

# Oh...

# Yeah, each of these quotes You will find

# It's what I do

# That's one of his

# He is the biz!

# They call me Billy Whizz

# May seem kinda scary I'm a walking diction-ary

# Sturdy with the wordy Shakespeare

# My phrases you'll note

# You can quote

# Oh, you suffered Green-eyed jealousy

# Please do not stand on ceremony

# I wrote The Queen's English

# Queen's English I wrote

# That's a Shakespeare line

# He was the first to combine

# Yeah, that was one of mine

# Don't call me flaky I'm William Shakey

# Not lazy with the phrasy Shakespeare

# I was the greatest, I was ace

# To find a better writer that's a wild-goose chase

# I was truly brilliant Which is why I sing...

# Did you ever know?

# From a Shakespeare show

# The nation's favourite bard Shakespeare

# Doobee Doobe Doobee...

# Shoobeedoobeedobee, Shakespeare. #

APPLAUSE

Oh, song's finished, song's finished!

We'd better put another one on. Ooh, aah.

Eh, what flavour crisps are they?

They're whatever else was rotting-in-the-bin flavour. Ha!

Now, Scrappus loves American stuff, so he's going to love this,

it's the story of the founders of the USA.

Did you know they actually came from the Midlands? Mm.

# We're the Pilgrim Fathers You may have heard rather

# A lot 'bout our notion Crossing the ocean

# On the good ship Mayflower

# Though it's true our journey turned into quite a commotion

# People report that we sported these hats

# But that's not true I mean - would you?

# Anyway, the main thing to say We began the USA

# Our little band of religion fans from the East Midlands

# We all believed slowly

# That England was becoming less holy

# So set off for Holland cos there we had friends

# But in the end seemed the Netherlands

# Would never be the land we'd planned

# Couldn't stand to remain on that terrain

# So again we re-arranged to start a new nation

# With our congregation A new and calmer life

# Took a farmer and a builder and his wife

# And a cleric-ah, to find Americ-ah

# Oh, it's a New World

# It wasn't new to the natives

# Still, we thought we'd claim it

# Yeah, it's the New World

# I still remember Ninth of November

# The year 1620 and we saw plenty of land

# We thanked God when we found ground

# At Cape Cod But it didn't go as planned

# Couldn't land on the sand

# A month later though we made it

# New Plymouth, man We claimed it

# The natives said "not" But ran when we shot

# Moved there, it proved, yeah that life would be tough

# Cos we didn't have enough of the right stuff

# Did you know? Had no seeds we could grow

# Although William Mullins had stacked

# 126 pairs of shoes in his pack Now, that's whack!

# A fishing rod, a plough a pig or a cow

# Would've been a much better idea

# But now, there's no food for us to eat

# Does this mean that we'll meet with defeat?

# No fun in the New World

# I'm glad we've arrived here

# But will we survive here?

# Yeah, in the New World

# People were starving Our numbers halving

# When the winter winds blew even fewer lived through

# It wasn't pretty in our new city

# But the natives took pity even though they didn't have to

# Man called Squanto showed us how to grow maize

# Catch eel for a meal Build shelter in the bays

# Tribe gave us a feast Our starvation ceased

# In 1621, what they had done

# Turned us back from the dead to the living

# And to this day that's why we have Thanksgiving

# In Massachusetts Built a colony, it's true

# They say modern America was founded by our crew

# It's a New World

# But we can't call it England

# Let's call it New England

# Yeah, it's a New World

# My home was in Plymouth Let's call this New Plymouth

# I got an idea Let's call this New Hampshire

# Wahey, I'm from Newcastle Can we call it New Newcastle? #

Nah.

# It's a New World. #

I'm glad you're enjoying the songs, Scrappus,

but do calm down!

SHATTER! CRACK!

Oh, Scrappus, you're like a Georgian Luddite, smashing things up.

Ooh, which reminds me,

here they are now.

# We were weavers, highly skilled

# Till things were mechanised

# Craft and artisanship killed

# A threat to all our lives

# Machines meant The workforce shrunk

# You think you'd see us settle?

# When bosses said "Let's junk each punk

# "And replace you with heavy metal"

# Luddite! Luddite! Luddite! Luddite! Luddites!

# The working man was sacrificed

# Luddite! Luddite! Luddite! Luddite! Luddites!

# Turned us into Anar-chists

# Industrial Revolution

# Our old life overthrown

# So we came up with a solution

# A revolution of our own

# Met in the hills and planned to smash

# Their weaving machines of gloom

# Hear that sweet music as we bash

# A-wop-bop-a-loo-mop

# A-wop-bam-boom!

# Luddite! Luddite! Luddite! Luddite! Luddites!

# Industrial weaving It's a stitch-up!

# Luddite! Luddite! Luddite! Luddite! Luddites!

# Break the device and smash my switch up!

# We named our movement after Ned Ludd

# A folk hero who myth proclaimed

# Once reacted in a fit of rage

# By smashing up some knitting frames

# So we formed the new Luddite Army

# Started to riot

# It all went barmy

# Laws were passed to shake our will

# Sent soldiers armed with guns

# And though we tried to break things still

# We fought the law But the law won

# Trial and punishments were seen

# It's clear we'd lost the fight

# But thanks to us Rage Against the Machine

# Now carries the name...Ludd-ite!

# Luddite! Luddite! Luddite! Luddite! Luddites!

# This band's struggle carries on

# Luddite! Luddite! Luddite! Luddite! Luddites!

# Won't rest till machines are all gone. #

Solo!

On, on what exactly?

Those Georgian Luddites were most uncouth,

not like us Victorians.

We were polite, well-mannered and romantic.

We took our lead from our Queen, you know.

# For 40 years, I ruled alone

# Shed all those tears while on the throne

# What got me through the pain and hurt

# Was clinging to the memory of Albert

# I loved her so, my darling Vicki

# So much, you know almost made me sickie

# I was not liked in your country

# But who cares when I had her love for me?

# Her love for me

# Oh, V and A Oh, A and V

# Each way, it still spells L-O-V-E

# Oh, A and V Oh, V and A

# They'll name a building after us one day

# In love from our first rendezvous

# As Queen, had to propose to you

# You were my rock in a crisis

# Like when someone tried to shoot you but they missed

# We were a real celebrity pair

# Was first Queen Vic

-# First Albert

-Square!

# The press watched every smile and flirt

# Called us Alboria but I preferred Vicbert

# You can call me Al

# Oh, Bert and Vic Oh, Vic and Bert

# Nine kids, great family advert!

# Oh, Vic and Bert Oh, Bert and Vic

# Yet I found babies ugly, ironic

Urgh! My eyes!

# We set trends Started new traditions

# Christmas trees Wearing tartan with style

# Albert backed the Great Exhibition

# Which made Great Britain Albert-o-phile

At last!

# Oh, Vic and Al Oh, Al and Vic

# You showed our kids love with your stick

# Oh, Al and Vic Oh, Vic and Al

# Ours was a truly grand affair royale

# Then Albert died which left just me

# Just V, no A No A, just V

# Oh, how I mourned my special pal

# I loved you, Vic

# I loved you, Al. #

It's for your own good, Scrappus.

Now, after Albert's death,

Victoria ruled for 40 years on her own.

Victorian women were very good at picking themselves up

and getting on with things.

# Me name Mary Seacole, famous nurse

# To the Crimean boys

# No, me not Florence Nightingale

# That mix up me annoys

# Me learn me skills ina Jamaica

# Where me mother nurse the sick

# And I think it my destiny, child

# To be a war medic

# If ya coughin' then you should have a drink with it

# If ya diet's poor you should really think 'pon it

# If it's cholera re-hydration's best for it

# If it's fever better take some rest for it

# Wha-ho-ho, wha-oh-oh Wha-oh-oh-oh

# History still says me name

# Cos me not one to moan

# Me ask me friend Thomas Day for help

# And set up 'pon my own

# If ya need it put a mustard plaster 'pon it

# If ya bleedin' shouldn't be disaster for it

# If ya leg broke going to need a cast on it

# If ya constipated take oil o' castor for it

# Wha-ho-ho, wha-oh-oh Wha-oh-oh-oh

# Once here, in Crimea

# Me became a pioneer

# Me carpenters engineered

# A hotel at the new frontier

# Set up on the front line in 1855

# Independent woman saving soldiers' lives... #

Welcome to the British Hotel!

# Me boarding house became the haunt

# Of the great and good

# Though it wasn't glamorous

# It was built o' old bits o' wood

# Supplied the troops with kit and clothes

# Served both the rich and poor

# Me nursed right 'pon the battlefield

# While Florence work'd far from the war

# I'm a nursing lady Put a splint on it

# Me see a wounded man Better sprint to it

# Earned fame from the war and my stint in it

# But the Crimean shame is me a skint from it

# When the war was done

# Me never have a dime

# Despite the work me do

# Bankruptcy was mine

# I'm a fierce lady Never fazed by it

# Wrote a book and earned funds raised by it

# Me hotel, men owed their lives to it. #

Going down in history, that's me prize for it.

Another famous Victorian pioneer was Charles Darwin.

If you promise to behave you can come out.

# Ooh...

# Yeah

# Ooh... Yeah

# People thought all animals arrived here unrelated

# The world began and then came man all perfectly created

# But then someone looked up a tree

# And said "That monkey looks just like me"

# So it really was a mystery

# What I'd learned in natural history...

# So I joined HMS Beagle

# Watched the eagle and the seagull

# We studied rocks and plants Flowers, trees and bees and ants

# Slept on hammocks without pillows Eating rats and armadillos

# Till I realised on reflection...

# It's nat-ur-al sel-ec-tion

# Ooh...

# Yeah

# Natural selection means each animal evolved

# To blend with its surroundings Ch-Ch-Changes were involved

# So birds with different foods to seek

# Seemed had developed different beaks

# And over time they'd modified

# So just the fittest of them all survived

# On the Isles of Galapagos I noted the giant tortoise

# Had interesting shells And I rode on them as well

# Iguanas land and swimming meant my new theory was winning

# It all led in the direction

# Of nat-ur-al sel-ec-tion

# My findings met with outrage

# From the Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Church Of England and from me

# The idea that we came from ch-ch-chimps

# Questioned my own Christianity But it was hard to disagree

# Every species new mutation had a perfect explanation

# It seemed the world's inception must pre-date common perception

# Any lack of adaptation is a fatal limitation

# So each creature's imperfection over time gets a correction

# Meaning animal collections grow unique means of protection

# And to fail nature's inspection means immediate rejection

# Which all leads to the detection

# Of nat-ur-al sel-ec-tion

# Nat-ur-al sel-ec-tion. #

Now, Scrappus, promise you won't break anything else.

Come on, then. Let's watch this last song together.

It's about heroic World War II fighter pilots.

You'll really like it, Scrappus.

Scrappus!

AIR-RAID SIREN

# We fighter pilots fought the German chaps in World War II

# In Hurricanes and Spitfires performed feats of daring do

# The finest British pilots that the world could hope to have

-# Binky...

-Stinky...

-Squiffy...

-Frantisek

# And Stanislav

# Hold fire! Is that some foreign chaps risking their necks?

# That's right, some of the bravest men were Polish and Czech

# We like to fire

# Beating Jerry, our one desire

# Ye-e-eah!

# All we do each night is pray we'll live to fight another day

# Take that, Hitler!

# My name is Douglas Bader Let me tell of my ordeal

# Lost both legs in an accident

-# These ones are not real

-They're not real

# I left the Air Force after that Flying was a hobby

# But when war broke in '39 came back

# Just like Robbie

# Shot down 22 of them Led the air attack

# Till finally the Luftwaffe hit me back!

# Oh, no, pretty baby

# His plane on fire

# Stuck in Colditz Such a shame to retire

# Ye-e-eah!

# Never forget This great man's story

# And his role in Britain's glory

# We flew in tough conditions

# Lucky to survive five missions

# Not that I'm complaining

# But I've had just ten hours' training

# Epic dogfights in the sky Outnumbered, that's why

# We're now known by you as The Few

-# Oooh, ooh, ahhh, ahh

-Phew, he missed me!

# The Battle of Britain was our pilots' finest hour

# Although it seemed at first the Germans were the stronger power

# Ooh, so strong

# We mustered all our courage in summer 1940

# Scrambled Air Force squadrons to fly sortie after sortie

# Saw Nazi invasion off just as airmen should

# Our bravery meant Hitler wouldn't be back for good

# No, no!

# We beat the Fuehrer

# Without us frequent flyers your life would be poorer

# Ye-e-eah!

# Britain securer

# Our story of heroics will forever endure

# Whoa, yea-e-eah!

# So I think you'll find It's true... #

WINSTON CHURCHILL: "Never in the field of human conflict

"was so much owed by so many to so few."

# Tall tales, atrocious acts, we gave you all the fearsome facts... #

If you enjoyed that, why not play

the new AD/BC Time Tour music game?

Go to the CBBC website

and click on Horrible Histories.

Rock on!

# Hoped you enjoyed...

# Horrible Histories. #