Song Special Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians

# Woeful Wars, Ferocious Fights Dingy Castles, Daring Knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Roman, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, Brainy Sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory Stories, we do that

# And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to Horrible Histories. #

Hello there.

Welcome to the Savage Songs special, which has given me a brilliant idea.

All I've got to do is write a catchy song

and I'll be as famous as the great Greek leader, Alexander the Great.

# Alexander is my name Macedonia's most famous commander

# History calls The Great But I prefer The Greatest

# A king aged only 20 When my dad assassinated

# Advisors called for calm But frankly peace is overrated

# Crushed rebels in Greek city states

# So thousands of them martyrs

# Made short labour of my neighbours

# And that was just for starters

# Alexander

# Full-time fighter

# Made my home rule secure But that wasn't enough

# I wanted more, more, more

# And so began my master plan to conquer by invasion

# Started with Dad's enemy The famous Persian nation

# Ruler Darius had far more troops An inconvenience

# But I won, then thrashed Egypt I'm a military genius

# Founded Egypt's Alexandria

# Named for the greatest man alive

# I was now Pharaoh and King of Persia

# Not bad for 25

# Alexander

# Victorious fighter

# The Greatest sounds flat

# How about The Living God?

# Yeah, I'll buy that

# My loyal followers said "That's the stuff"

# But I, a born warrior, said, "It's not enough

# "Let's take India Last man there's a fool"

# Started wearing Persian clothes Boy, I looked so cool

# But made my troops suspicious Men called me too ambitious

# Said they wouldn't follow me Guitar solo, Ptolemy... #

# Cos of me, Ptolemy, he'll go far

# He'll found the dynasty that ends with Cleopatra

# Then there's Hephaestian My best friend, of course

# Unless you count Bucephalus But he's a horse. #

Why the long face, my friend?

HORSE NEIGHS

# Anyway, together it was going grand

# Till Heph and Bucy died and my men took a stand

# I wanted to continue but my hands were tied

# So I sat in my tent and I cried

# Oh-whoa-oh-oh-oh

# Alexander

# No more a fighter

# Adventures had to stop

# Cos 323 BC saw me drop...

# Dead. #

Alexander the Great may have been famous,

but was he as rich as Roman politician Marcus Licinius Crassus?

I doubt it.

# I'm Marcus Licinius Crassus No rich man could ever surpass us

# Wanted people to say I was brave

# But I lost my first fight and hid in a cave

# Living there could be a pauper's nightmare

# But if you're rich like me then you don't care.

# I called my slave to the cave to ask it

# To cook a feast and lower in a basket

# There's Romans think they're minted But they ain't rich like me

# You can't call yourself loaded Till you can buy an army

# Ran Rome with Pompey and Caesar

# They're more famous than me

# But I'm the world's richest geezer There's no one richer than me! #

# I'm minted

# I backed General Sulla Every day my wallet got fuller

# Took the land off our enemies to flog it

# Used the cash to fill my pocket

# If I heard of a house on fire

# I'd rush over Be a quick cash buyer

# My firemen would then douse the flames

# Boom! Another big house to my name

# There's Romans think they're minted But they ain't rich like me

# You can't call yourself loaded Till you can buy an army

# Ran Rome with Pompey and Caesar They're more famous than me

# But I'm the world's richest geezer There's no one richer than me. #

# I'm minted

# I bought an army for fighting Spartacus

# At the start my men lost heart-acus

# I killed one in ten in a killing spree

# So they were more scared of me than the enemy

# Smashed the slaves It got real gory

# But then Pompey stole my glory

# To show it was me that crushed the horde

# Nailed up the slaves like on a billboard. #

# They're splinted

# Not enough to be a politician

# Wanted triumph Took my army on a mission

# Got owned by the Parthian Persians

# They killed me but you'll hear two versions

# The famous one's quite hard to follow

# They gave me boiling gold to swallow

# But the true way they made me pay?

# They used my head as a prop in a play.

# Embarrassing

# There's Romans think they're minted But they ain't rich like me

# You can't call yourself loaded Till you can buy an army

# Ran Rome with Pompey and Caesar They're more famous than me

# But I'm the world's richest geezer There's no one richer than me! #

Ha-ha, love it! Tell me you don't love it! Ha-ha.

I haven't actually written the song yet, this is just a list

of some of the things I plan to do when I'm a rock'n'roll star.

Mainly touring the world and trashing places.

A bit like being a Viking.

Although Vikings weren't just violent invaders. Oh, no.

# We Vikings have an awful reputation with your nation

# But when we'd finished plundering and pillages

# Made nice villages

# Any place name ending "thorpe" Or "kirk" or "by" was us, you see

# Scunthorpe, Ormskirk, Wetherby, Scarborough Fair

# We named them, yeah

# We split your isles diagonally From southeast to northwest

# Our section called the Danelaw King Alfred ruled the rest

# Think we're scary? No, don't flee

# Conquered Saxons would find we

# Settled and lived in harmony

# Vike-Eng-land

# Though we began as raiders

# So well planned

# You accepted us as traders

# We introduced some new terms

# "Husband", "Gasp", "Egg", "Awkward", "Nag", "Leg"

# More than 50 words to leave your lingo

# To your liking, thank a Viking

# Your little town of Swansea city Named for our King Sweyn

# Waterford and Dublin Us old Norse Vikings again

# As farmers we made doubly sure To respect agriculture

# With us, locals felt secure

# Norse-Scot-land

# Large parts of that whole region

# Norse got land

# Were improved by Norwegians

# London Bridge is falling down

# The nursery rhyme comes from our time

# Vikings played key roles

# In 1014 it was pulled down by Olafr Haraldsson

# You can call him Ol

# In a dispute with King Canute Olafr's side won

# Ethelred returned as king And could be heard proclaiming

# "Here's to you, Olafr Haraldsson"

# Vike-Eng-land

# We swapped our life of violence

# Norse-Scot-land

# To enjoy the sound of silence

# There's no doubt under Viking rule Britain did improve-y

# Feelin' groovy

# And that's no lie La, lie, la, la, lie. #

You know, writing a hit song may not be all that easy.

I really need to concentrate on this.

Look, you watch the story of a remarkable French teenage girl

and I'll get on.

# OK

# Pamplemousse

# Baguette and brie Are you ready?

# I'm Joan of Arc from Domremy

# Religious visions came to me

# God said, "Save France from the English"

# "And make Dauphin Charles King"

# Dauphin means heir to the throne

# But England claimed the crown as their own

# We'd had 100 years of war

# This girl had to do something

# So I did it like a dude Cut my hair

# Gave up wearing dresses Bought a pair

# Of trousers, no blouses

# Said, "I want to fight Angleterre!"

# Charles let me join the army, army, army

# Though that might sound barmy, barmy, barmy

# I proved impressive

# Hit by an arrow and lived

# English troops I over-ranny-ranny-ranny

# Defeated them at Patay, Patay, Patay

# We saved Orleans

# And Charles was crowned, tres bon

# Me leading troops, a long shot

# But I was a lucky mascot

# Inspired soldiers with bravery

# Fought injured and survived

# But in 1430

# Burgundians captured me

# King Charles wouldn't pay my ransom

# No-one told me why

# Being prisoner was not my style

# Tried escaping from my captors vile

# But then the English who'd fought me, bought me

# Made me stand trial

# So where was King Charlie, Charlie, Charlie?

# He'd given up and left me, left me, left me

# In the English snare

# Whole thing so unfair

# Said "Put me in a a-huh n-nunnery"

# They said "Don't be uh-uh, f-funnery

# "If you dress like a male

# We'll put you in men's jail." #

Joan of Arc, you're charged with sorcery.

You're just jealous cos God speaks to me.

You say you speak to saints in this discourse.

What language do they speak?

French, of course!

Pah! Now you're in prison. They have failed ya.

I say it's God's plan that you're my jailer!

Here's a trick question, in that case.

Do you think that you are in God's grace?

If I am not, may God put me there.

And if I am, may God so keep me.

Oh, your smart remarks go round the houses.

You're guilty of heresy and wearing men's trousers.

# Despite my testimony-mony-mony

Condemned for reasons phoney-phoney-phoney

# But my will did not break

# So they tied me to a stake

# Burned alive was my destiny-tiny-tiny

# And here is the irony-rony-rony

# My death led France to put on war paint

# And crush the English So now I'm a saint. #

I've got it, I've got the first line at last!

# God save our gracious Queen...! #

Hang on, that sounds vaguely familiar. D'oh!

Time for a song about a monarch.

Here's Henry VII, the father of the whole Tudor dynasty.

Of all the kings called Henry, I'm the one you've rarely heard

Shakespeare wrote four, five, six, eight

But seven? Not a word

People think I'm dreary

To some extent I am

But look a little closer...

# Glam! Bam! Thank you, ma'am! #

# I didn't agree With King Richard Three

# So I fought him at Bosworth Field

# And won victory

# How cool does this sound?

# I'm the king who found

# Rich's crown in a hedge on the winning battleground

# The only way to end war and avert further disaster

# There's got to be a way to unite York and Lancaster

# I'm the original Tu-tu-tu-Tudor

# Founder of that dynasty

# The man who closes the Wars of the Roses

# That's right That's right, that's me

# I launched attacks On Lords who earned stacks

# Mine was a noble cause to tap them all for tax

# They paid their share

# Was only fair

# To make England rich And me a millionaire

# Elizabeth York became My wife for life

# That make me a bore?

# Joined our family seat That's neat

# Made my rule secure

# I'm the original Tu-Tu-Tu-Tudor

# Returning power to the state

# Seemed quite toothless

# But actually ruthless

# I make the monarchy great

# Spent a long time fighting Pretenders to the throne

# Lambert Simnel and Perkin Warbeck Said my throne was their own

# They claimed they'd been princes

# In the Tower, their rule delayed

# I said, "This crown ain't big enough for the three of us"

# And had one slayed

# I'm the original Tu-Tu-Tu-Tudor

# King of foreign policy

# To end hostile relations

# With enemy nations

# I asked them to make friends with me

# Yeah, the original Tu-Tu-Tu-Tudor

# They say dullness my main trait

# Well, that's a sad indictment

# Cos if you're looking For excitement

# My son was Henry VIII. #

I'm getting there, I'm getting there.

Time for some more inventive types.

# With imagination

# Inspiration

# Innovation

BOTH: # And perspiration

ALL: # We revolutionised transportation

# Stephenson's the name and my steam engine the best you will find

# It was the Rocket It was called the Rocket

# It pulled a train To carry passengers

# And was the first of its kind

# Caused a commotion Doing the locomotion

# Was best by miles And won top prize

# At the Rainhill Trials

# The Lords said it was dangerous Then saw how many tickets could sell

# The toffs were off it Till they saw a profit

# And so, he paved the way for me I'm Isambard Kingdom Brunel

# An engineer and famous pioneer

# Railways off pat, a massive hat

# And to top that

# I was a tunnel-building bridge-creating, hard-grafting

# Ship-crafting polymath In search of a way

# To take my train through my tunnel Cross my bridge to my ship

# And sail me fastest to the USA

# My steam ship

# It made the trip in just 14 days!

# There across the ocean

# Was clever old me I'm quite a star

# He's Henry Ford Yes, that's what he's called

# My assembly line's the first To make it cheap to buy a motor car

# From Henry Ford Cars you can afford

# I think you'll find

# Made just one kind

# But never mind

# I was the fastest-rating Car-creating

# Introducing mass-producing Original Model-T guy

# We took his engine A bird wing, some bike skills

# Worked until we found out How machines could fly

# Not just a hop But nonstop

# Going to get high, high, high!

# I'm Orville, was the brains The brawn, my brother Wilbur Wright

# We refined the plane To make the first sustained flight

# Our engine small

# But powerful

ALL: # Propelled to a great height!

# They were supreme

# Our mean machines

# The stuff of dreams!

# We were creative, inventive Progress our incentive

# Always searching for a solution

# We took some steel and a wheel

# Made a plane, car and train

# And created a revolution

# Hard to believe What we achieved

# Looking back We helped change tack

# Transport was duller We added colour

# Well, as long as it's black. #

Time to meet someone who could really write. Good day.

Ooh!

# I lived a happy life Till I was ten years old

# When debt landed Dad in prison And our country house was sold

# Lodged with a lady In her London flat, so cold

# Worked at a boot polish factory Labelling jars

# Quite dull, all told

# Goodness only knows I was a miserable so-oh-oul

# For a time, I went to school

# But then, I found a job

# As a clerk to a lawyer

# Oh, it made my poor head throb

# I failed to be an actor Despite my loud gob

# Ended up reporting speeches Of the Parliamentary mob

# Then, as everybody knows

# I started writing pro-oh-ose

# Put my life into my books

# Friends and enemies and crooks

# Legal bosses, up they crop

# In The Old Curiosity Shop

# Fagin, in Oliver Twist?

# A factory pal - you get the gist

# And although my memory's Quite foggy

# Got Scrooge from the grave of Ebenezer Scroo-oo-oo-oo-oo-ooggie

# My first book was An overnight sensation

# But I drove myself too hard To enjoy the adulation

# Despite my wealth My family begged for money

# I wrote of it in Chuzzlewit

# Which people said was funny

# Didn't sell like books before

# My family still asked for mo-oh-ore

# Little Dorrit is a tale

# About my dad in debtor's jail

# While Hard Times tells my life

# About when I tried to leave my wife

# Little Nell's death was my poor Dear departed sister-in-law

# And David Copperfield working In a factory...

# I must confess that that was Really me-e-e-e-e-e-e-e

# In my life, felt shame 'Bout poverty in childhood

# Wrote about sadness Suffering and fears

# Also wrote about people With funny names

# Bumble, Smallweed, Scrooge

# Uriah Heep and Wackford Squeers

# Whilst writing Edwin Drood

# A train crash didn't help my mood

# Still I drove myself on

# With readings far across the pond

# Died before I wrote Drood's end

# This sort of thing drove me Round the bend

# So Dicken's take a... Dicken's take a bow

# And Heaven knows I'm miserable

# No-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow. #

All right, I give up.

Unlike American heroine Rosa Parks who simply refused to.

# I'm Rosa Parks, my story marks The first step towards civil rights

# Racial inequality, American policy Till I kicked off a fight

# What act of mine Let havoc to ensue?

# How come I caused such fuss?

# What shocking behaviour did I do?

# Well...

-# I sat on a bus

-You sat on a bus

-# I sat on a bus

-You sat on a bus

-# You want to know why?

-Go ahead, tell us!

-# I sat on that bus

-You sat on the bus

# In the '50s, all buses were divided Whites in front, blacks behind

# Are you serious?

# If the bus filled up we had to Give up our seats or we'd be fined

# That's ludicrous!

# I made a stand in my home town Montgomery, Alabama

# That's dangerous!

# Refused to stand for a white man So they put me in the slammer

# Discourteous!

# December five, 1955 My trial notorious

# Black people stood side by side And no-one...

-# Got on the bus

-We stayed off the bus

-# They stayed off the bus

-We stayed off the bus

-# I meant business!

-She inspired us!

-# So we stayed off the bus

-We stayed off the bus

# We organised a boycott Of public transportation

# To win R, E, S, P, E, C, T

# And force new legislation

# Dreamed of the day

# The USA had no implementation of...

# Spells segregation

# From that day on We walked or cabbed

# Led by Martin Luther King

# Attacked by mobs, our houses bombed

# Though peace was our thing

# Our plight, it made The national news

# Which was mighty strange

# Mysterious

# When word reached the President He had to make a change

# Delirious

# One year on, we'd finally won

# A victory momentous

# The fight for national civil rights Was begun

-# Cos I sat on a bus

-She sat on a bus

-# I sat on a bus

-She sat on a bus

-# I sat on a bus

-For all of us

-# I sat on a bus

-She sat on a bus

# Cos I sat, I sat, I sat I sat, I sat, yeah...

# Our story owes A huge debt to Rosa

-# We all agree...

-I sat on that bus

# ..She made history

-# On a bus

-She sat on a bus

# She sat on a bus

# For all of us

-# I sat on that bus

-She sat on a bus

-# I sat on a bus

-She sat on a bus

-# On a bus, yeah

-She sat on a bus

-# I sat on a bus

-For all of us. #

I think I'll leave the song writing to Gary Barlow.

I'll try something a bit easier.

Like writing a bestselling novel. Cue the big finale.

# Stone Age brought you speech

# Farms, the wheel and fire

# Then, metal was explored Which meant we could make swords

# To kill and build empires

# Think ancient Egypt was nicer?

# Pharaoh's tombs lovely shrines?

# But some were living graves For hundreds of poor slaves

# And pig's eye was our cure For the blind

# Greek civilisation, our creation

# Drama and philosophy

# But Sparta praised lying Celebrated dying

# And Hippocrates drank wee

ALL: # We're history

# We brought you bloodshed

# Greek excursions To battle the Persians

# Disembowelling our dead

ALL: # Together, we made the world A little bit grim

# We're history

# Could be fairly dim

# We Romans brought you roads

# And public medicine

# Gladiator fighting Feeding men to lions

# Burning Christians That kind of thing, you know

# Then came the Middle Ages

# Saxons, Normans, Vikings, Celts

# A time of invasion Feudalism, famine

# Black Death, bubos and welts

# 1066 saw Harold in a fix

# As William conquered all

# What was the bettin'

# An arrow in his retina Would lead to his downfall?

ALL: # We're history

# We brought invasion and strife

# We attacked monasteries Said, "Give us gold, please"

# Then, we took your life

# Our crusades meant slaughter

# Wherever we'd go

# We're history

# Was it pretty?

# No

# Tudor, Stuart, Georgian monarchs Next in line

# Brought progress In science and art

# Also beheadings, burnings Civil war

# Freed colonies, for a start

ALL: # We're history

# We gave you plague and disease

# Travelled, found the Incans Spread smallpox in a blink

# And brought them to their knees

# Dogs, cats and the French Blamed for plague along the way

# We're history

# Not such happy days

# Victorian technology went Hand-in-hand with poverty

# Kids up chimneys and down mines

# Improvements to the world Did pick up

# Despite some violent hiccups

# Two world wars, millions died

ALL: # We're history

# Our times smelly and gory

# We reigned over you And told you what to do

# And that is this story

# Thought we were amazing

# Though you may quibble

# We're history

# And we made it horri...

# ALL: ..ble

# We're history. #

# Tall tales, tragic acts

# We gave you all The fearsome facts... #

Can't get enough of Horrible Histories?

Then, go to the CBBC website and click on the link.

See you there.

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed...

# Horrible Histories! #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd