Ridiculous Romance Horrible Histories

-# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians

-Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

-# Woeful wars, ferocious fights

-Dingy castles, daring knights

-# Horrors that defy description

-Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

-# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes

-Punishment from ancient times

# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

# Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

-# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages

-Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

Oh, hello there.

I'm busy making a romantic candlelit dinner

for my new girlfriend, Ratterly.

I'm cooking cockroach in "jus de rubbish bag".

While I get ready, you have a look

at that great historical heartbreaker, Henry VIII

and the story of his shortest marriage to Anne of Cleves.

This week, in Dating In Darkness,

it's the turn of rotund royal Henry VIII

to see if love really is blind.

It's what's on the inside that counts, isn't it?

Personality, I mean, not guts and stuff.

HE CHUCKLES

In our pitch black dating room is Anne of Cleves.

She's been picked as the best match

to be Henry's fourth wife.

They're already engaged, but they've never laid eyes on each other.

As long as she has a good sense of humour,

enjoys long walks in the park and vicious beheadings,

then that's all that matters, isn't it, yeah.

It's not about looks,

although I have had a sneaky portrait commissioned.

Lovely, isn't she?

He's got artist, Hans Holbein, to paint a picture of her.

Well, that's completely against the rules of the show.

Although, if you remember, I am the King

and I do enjoy cutting people's heads off, so...

However, it has been allowed on this occasion.

Good lad.

It's time for Henry to head into our dating room

for his darkened date with Anne.

But will the royal wedding be off when the lights go on?

-Hello.

-Hallo?

-Oh!

-Oh!

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

I'm Henry, the King.

-IN GERMAN:

-Was?

Do you speak English?

Ich spreche Deutsch.

Oh, that's a bind.

So I've already got three marriages under my belt,

I can't afford to be choosy.

Do you like eating copious quantities of meat?

Ich verstehe dich nicht.

I'm going to pretend that was a yes.

So what does Henry think of his German date?

My favourite advisor, Thomas Cromwell, seems to think

it's a good match - "political reasons", apparently.

I mean, that's a very shallow reason to get married, but...

So, I'm going to base it

on what her portrait looks like.

Yeah. Let's tie the knot.

Oh, come here, you...

Henry has decided to marry Anne of Cleves,

which means it's time for the 48-year-old king

and his 24-year-old bride-to-be

to lay eyes on each other for the very first time.

HE YELLS

Oh, switch it off, switch it off!

Was ist los?

Oh, she looks like a horse.

I'm going to kill that Holbein

when I get my hands on him.

But...how do I get out of here?

So what does the future hold for Henry and Anne?

Well, it looks like I'm going to have to marry her,

as agreed, for "political reasons".

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

I'll give it six months, I'll get it annulled

and then move on to my fifth wife.

Was?

I said I love you very much.

Oh, ich liebe dich auch.

She has hay in her teeth.

Seriously, I think she's been eating hay.

Another Tudor who was no oil painting was Elizabeth I.

She had flattering portraits too,

but it still didn't make her lucky in love.

Might have been something to do with her temper.

Walsingham, what happened to you?

The Queen threw a slipper at me... again!

Oh, what did you do this time?

I told her she had a short temper.

Oh, you idiot, you know that makes her angry!

I know. Have you finished her portrait yet?

Oh, well, it's getting there, but I'm petrified -

what if she doesn't like it?

-You'd better hope she's in a good mood.

-Is she ever?

-No.

-'Where's my portrait!?'

Oh, I can't look!

It's grotesque!

The hideous nose, rotten teeth and pockmarked skin.

Walsingham, have that man relieved of the burden of his head.

Ma'am, you're looking into a mirror.

Oh!

This is the portrait.

Ah.

Petite nose, perfect teeth, porcelain skin,

why, however, did you manage to capture my good looks?

Well, m'lady, I just did an exact copy

of the only portrait you've ever liked.

As per your orders.

Splendid.

Do me another and see if you can capture my regal beauty again.

I think it looks nothing like her.

I heard that.

Love in the Middle Ages wasn't much prettier.

William the Conqueror, for instance, was a big bully

who thought violence was an acceptable way to woo a woman.

I don't know what's wrong with a few nice flowers.

Oh, lovely.

He was the vicious, arrogant Norman Duke

who would one day rule England.

Oh, really? Good, I like England,

apart from the weather.

Oh, and the food, and the people, mm-hm.

She was the beautiful granddaughter

of the French King.

Grandpapa, can I have a pony?

Yes, have a hundred ponies.

I love you, Grandpapa.

And when William asked for her hand in marriage,

there was only ever going to be one answer.

No way. I'm way too posh for that stinky Duke William.

I'm going to marry, like, a Prince or something.

But William wouldn't take "non" for an answer.

He set off on a journey to win the heart of the beautiful princess.

Stand up.

I am standing up.

Wow, you're very small.

Yeah, I'm, like, four foot. What do you want?

I want you to marry me.

I will NEVER marry you.

Hm, we'll see about that.

Duke William used all his charm to make Matilda fall in love with him.

Marry me?

No!

Marry me?

No.

Marry me?

OK.

Great.

Hey, woo, woo, woo! Now, hang on a minute. What was all that about?

-All what?

-All that! You pulling her hair

and pushing her in the mud and stuff?

Well, it's just what happened, she said no, so I pulled her hair

and then I pushed her in the mud and...

But you can't do that.

Yeah, yeah, I know, it was terrible,

but actually, he turned out to be a really good husband.

-Yeah, we were together 30 years.

-We had 11 beautiful children.

Yeah, but it's kinda... but I, er, you...

BOTH: What?

Ah, forget it!

So where were we?

Coming soon to a cinema near you,

Mud And Matilda, a tale of loving...

and shoving.

Oi, I already said yes.

Oh, sorry, my bad.

Rated unreasonable.

It wasn't just royals who had a rough time in the romance stakes.

All Middle Ages weddings were really quite odd.

This week in My Middle Ages Wedding Magazine,

everything you need

for an unforgettable day.

Read our top Middle Ages bridal makeover tips.

How to stop your hair growing using ant eggs.

And how to get rid of those annoying freckles

with a mixture of hare's blood and swallow's eyes.

And our experts test out a variety of wedding cakes,

so you don't have to.

SHE YELLS

If the cake's too heavy, it'll hurt the bride when it's thrown at her.

What about that one?

Ah-hah! Bruised, but no permanent damage, so it's perfect!

And don't miss this week's special feature.

Real Middle Ages brides give you tips on sorting out

that troublesome guest list.

I had a total nightmare trying to work out how to squeeze

all of our guests into the venue.

But then half of them died of the plague. Brilliant.

That's all in My Middle Ages Wedding Magazine.

I always dreamed of having a perfect Middle Ages wedding,

kissing my husband over a pile of bread and cakes

and having sawdust thrown at me, and it's all come true.

Thanks to my Middle Ages Wedding Magazine.

Free bag of sawdust with every copy.

They say love hurts. Well, it does if you're a Roman leader

and you fall for Egyptian Queen, Cleopatra.

She could be trouble, oh, yes.

Mark Antony has accepted me as a friend on Mummy-bo.

Excellent!

Thanks for the ad, smiley hieroglyphic.

RINGING

Huh, it's him.

Hail, Queen Cleopatra!

Hail yourself.

Yeah, I was just looking at your Mummy-bo profile

and I couldn't help but notice

you haven't got many friends.

Yeah, well, I did have my sister,

Pharaoh Cleopatra VI,

but she died in suspicious circumstances.

And my other sister, Pharaoh Berenice IV,

but she was executed.

Then, there were my half brothers,

Pharaoh Ptolemy XIII, drowned,

and Pharaoh Ptolemy XIV, poisoned.

Sounds like being on the throne in Egypt

is a pretty dangerous job, Cleo.

Do you never get scared?

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, no, no, no, no, I'll be fine,

I just need a powerful Roman to stand alongside me.

What, like Caesar? Didn't you date him?

Yeah.

And now he's dead.

Yeah.

Er, er, about that, there's now a vacancy,

so do you want to go out with me?

No.

Oh, please, please, please, please, please.

I'll put you on my top-ten friends list.

Oh, OK. In for a denarius,

in for a sestertius.

HE CHUCKLES

More like a top-two friends list.

Who's this other one?

Oh, yeah, that's my sister, Arsinoe.

At last, a member of your family who isn't dead?

Hm, about that.

Cleo...

Yeah, the thing is she's the last threat to my throne.

So I need to have Arsinoe killed.

You don't mind if I put your name on the assassination warrant, do you?

Um...?

-Please, please, please, please, please?

-Oh, OK.

There we go! Nasty business,

but had to be done.

Now you and me can rule the Egyptian Empire in peace.

Right, great.

BEEP

Oh! Oh, what was that noise?

Did something go wrong?

Oh, yeah,

it says there's a problem with the transaction.

I probably just need to update my Papyrus Pal account.

-Oh.

-What...what is it?

Yeah, turns out Arsinoe was on the steps of the sacred temple

when you murdered her.

When I murdered her?

Rome is up in arms. We're in big trouble.

What are we going to do?

Well, if we want to die with dignity,

we'll have to kill ourselves before the Roman Army get to us.

What! Oh, this is most inconvenient.

Oh, well, I suppose.

No, no, no, wait, I suppose we could pretend to kill ourselves

and then just hide.

Oh, oh, now you tell me, Cleo,

you are literally the worst girlfriend I've ever had

and I've had some shockers.

Urgh.

Right...

Looks like I'll have to do the same then.

Er, phew.

I'll get a poisonous snake to bite me,

I mean, that's quite a regal way to go.

An asp!

Perfect.

How much?

20 bronze coins for packaging?

Well, I suppose it is quite a long tube.

It's...

false.

And when she died, he even made her into a goddess.

But not all Roman Emperors made such good husbands.

New from HH Pictures.

I now pronounce you Emperor and wife,

Emperor Nero, you may kiss the bride.

You lucky, lucky thing.

He was the man who had everything.

-Land.

-I love you.

-Power.

-Hail me.

Grapes.

A lot of grapes.

And the woman of his dreams.

I love you, darling.

I don't blame you.

Then, one day, possibly while shopping for grapes...

I'm not paying for these. My Empire, my rules.

..Nero met the woman of his dreams.

Yes, another one.

Who is that?

Do you want to go out with me?

Won't your wife mind?

I shouldn't think so. Do you mind?

Yes, I mind.

Hm, you can never second-guess these things.

But Nero was prepared to do anything to be with the woman he loved.

No, no, the other one.

Yeah, yeah, that one there.

I need a sign, something to show that you love me now, not her.

Right, well, something more than grapes,

because I've got loads of grapes.

Yes, something more than grapes.

Right.

Er...

This summer, one Emperor will prove that love is a gift.

Darling, it's just what I wanted.

Your wife's severed head in a basket.

Coming soon, the film that puts the Roman in romantic comedy.

You would never cut off my head and put it in a basket, would you?

Baby, of course not.

-I'm going to have you kicked to death.

-What!

Ssh, nothing.

Love You To Death.

Based on a true story.

Rated even more unreasonable.

Well, so far, we've met some of the worst love rats in history.

Where does that expression "love rats" come from?

I mean, as if being a rat could ever be a bad thing.

Anyway, that lot did all do

some pretty shocking things in the name of romance.

# I'm Henry VIII, as you know

# I'm the king who married six

# But I'm not what you call a romantic though

# In fact, in love I was the pits

# Kath and Jane and Cath all ended up divorced or dead

# I'm just the same

# Nero's the name

# Killed the wife

# Sent my girlfriend the gift of her head

# Then Poppaea met a bad end

# Kicked and beaten I'm the worst boyfriend

# That's what I was doing

# When I was wooing my wife Matilda

# What? I never killed her!

# Love rats

# I only married once Shouldn't be in the song

# Love rats

# William the Conqueror You are wrong

# It wasn't just men

# Some rats were wonderfully pretty

# I'm Cleopatra

# Loved a match that offered power

# Married one brother, he died

# I wed another, but he wasn't the one for me

# Julius Caesar My next romantic squeeze

# Ended up with Mark Antony

# His death was your fault As I recall

# Didn't mean for that to happen at all

# Still think I shouldn't be here I held my wife dear

# After you'd bullied her I'd say it's fully fair

# Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba

# Ba, ba Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba

# Love rats

# Who are you? You don't look bad

# Love rats

# Edward VIII, 20th-century lad

# Edward VIII?

# Now, there's no debate

# You really shouldn't be here

# I do agree Though love conquered me

# Abdicated the throne for Wallis Simpson dear

# Love rats

# Wallis divorced So I was forced to pick

# Love rats

# Between love and crown

# You chose love, that's sick!

# Love rats

# Was a national crisis when I stepped down as King

# Love rats

# Moonlight and roses Not really our thing. #

What could be more romantic than helping your beloved

to escape from the Tower of London?

This is the story of Lord Nithsdale and his ever so clever wife!

A locked door, a prison cell

and a desperate prisoner hellbent on breaking out.

That can only mean one thing.

You're watching History's Greatest Escapes!

I'm Gary Chubb and I've come all the way to the year 1716

in the Georgian era to witness an escape so audacious...

SNORING ..so dramatic, so breathtaking...

Sorry, can we wake him up, please?

It's just completely going against what I'm doing.

So, Lord Nithsdale.

Tell us how you ended up imprisoned here in the Tower of London?

Well, I was involved in the Jacobite Risings

trying to return the Stuart blood line to the English throne.

But I was captured, and King George,

who is really touchy about people trying to kill him,

threw me in the Tower.

I'm due to be executed tomorrow.

So what were you thinking, escape-wise?

A frontal assault on the guards,

levering out the window bars or the classic tunnel under the wall thing?

None of the above.

This is the Tower of London. Escape's impossible.

I thought I'd just have a nice chicken dinner,

a wee sleep and then...

Right.

Yeah, it's just, um, someone from our show spoke to your wife

and she assured us there'd be an exciting escape attempt.

Also I've cut short a holiday in France for this.

You've got five minutes.

-Darling.

-Snookums!

Sorry, I'm Winifred, his wife.

Oh, right, so the escape attempt's still on, yeah?

-Oh, yes.

-Great, so what are we thinking?

Blow down this wall and let loose your secret Ninjas

on the panicked guard

while you two leap 200 feet into the icy river below, yeah?

No, I'm dressing him as a woman.

Right.

There is a show called World's Stupidest Escapes.

-I can give you their number, if you like.

-Ladies, get to work.

You see, I told the guards that my friends and I wanted to come

and say goodbye to my husband, banking on them

not counting how many of us came into the cell.

Oh, corset. Oh!

Then we dress him up as a woman,

then we sneak him out in the middle

of the group, just like he's one of the girls.

You look lovely, snookums.

I look ridiculous.

Watch this.

SHE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR

See you later.

All right, so, your husband's clear of the Tower,

but how are you going to get out?

Easy. Er...

SHE COUGHS

-IN A MAN'S VOICE:

-Anyway, I think I need to be alone now

so I can do a nice wee pray.

-IN HER VOICE:

-I understand completely, my lover.

Um, see you in the next life, bye.

We've said our goodbyes, but I beg you,

please don't disturb my husband's final prayers.

Yes, of course, Countess Nithsdale.

Thanks.

Wow.

Well, it didn't sound like much of a plan, but what an escape that was.

Next time, on History's Greatest Escapes, I'll be in the Middle Ages

with Matilda, daughter of Henry I, who'll be trying to escape

from Oxford Castle in a snowstorm, by wearing nothing but white.

Yeah, pretty cool.

I'll see you then.

If I can work out how to get out of this Tower. No probs.

HE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR

-Yeah, excuse me, can you let me out, please?

-Shut up, Nithsdale.

No, I'm not Nithsdale.

Yeah, right. Do you think we're all stupid or something?

I'm from the television!

Can you let me out please? I'm from the television!

Oh, Ratterly.

You smell absolutely awful.

SHE CRIES

No, Ratterly, Ratterly, I mean awful in a good way, eh.

Oh!

Girlfriends can be quick to take offence in Victorian Times as well.

So I just left the pheasant where it was and shot Mr Harrington instead.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, Mr Darbly, I've never known such a great wit.

Oh, you're too kind.

Well, this looks as good a spot as any.

Oh, yes, it's perfect.

I must say, Miss Pennywhistle,

you really are the most pleasant of company.

Charming of character, bright of mind

and with as pretty a smile as I have ever...

I've never known such rudeness.

What the...?

Sitting next to a lady in the countryside is entirely improper,

the very height of Victorian rudeness.

I'm sorry.

Perhaps this humble sandwich would serve by way of an apology?

Perhaps.

What, pray tell, is in the sandwich?

Cheese and onion.

Rudeness that cannot be counted on one's fingers

or measured in one's heart.

What now?

Cheese and onion!

Mr Darbly, there is nothing more rude in polite Victorian society

than for a man to smell of onion.

Yes, of course.

Well, happily, there are plenty of non-onion-based delights

within the hamper.

I'll just attend to this slight nose bleed you appear to have caused

and I'll... Oh, wow.

Rudeness beyond human comprehension.

Come on.

Blowing your nose in public is the very height of bad manners.

As it would seem are most things, Miss Pennywhistle.

May I ask where polite Victorian society stands on apple pie?

Apple pie?

Is it considered discourteous, offensive or uncultured?

Well...no.

Is it rude, ill-mannered, improper or indiscreet?

I...I don't believe so, no.

So just to clarify, you have no objection whatsoever to apple pie?

No, of course not.

Good.

And just be thankful I forgot the cream.

Well, he's the rudest man I've ever met.

But he sure can bake.

Communication in Victorian times could be very fragrant,

if you knew the code.

Lady Penelope, we've been courting for ten years now

and there's something I must say to you as a matter of urgency.

Yes, Lord Percival, say it and say it now

for if my heart beats any faster, I will surely faint.

-I...

-Yes?

-I...

-Yes?

-I...

-Yes?!

Lost for words, then why not say it with flowers?

With the new Victorian floral messaging system,

you can literally say it with flowers

because each flower means a different thing, yeah.

A red tulip means "I love you."

A forget-me-not means "true love".

A cactus flower means

"I really love you."

Whatever you need to say, say it with flowers, hm?

Do you by any chance have one that means, "I love someone else"?

And another one that means "and it's your best friend".

I can do you a hyacinth.

"I'm sorry, will you forgive me?"

I'll take all you've got.

Or for you, an orange lily.

"I hate you!"

Just give me the cactus.

-Ah!

-You!

Whatever you need to say,

say it with flowers.

With the new Victorian floral messaging system.

Well, I think I got that message.

Anyone got any tweezers?

No, don't worry about me, you're never really on your own

when you've got a thousand lice.

Time to wrap up this Ridiculous Romance Special

and what better way to do it than with history's greatest lovebirds.

Nah, this pair always brings a tear to my eye.

# For 40 years, I ruled alone

# Shed all those tears while on the throne

# What got me through the pain and hurt

# Was clinging to the memory of Albert

# I loved her so, my darling Vicky

# So much, you know almost made me sicky

# I was not liked in your country

# But who cares when I had her love for me

# Her love for me

# Oh, V and A Oh, A and V

# Each way still spells L-O-V-E

# Oh, A and V Oh, V and A

# There'll name a building after us one day

# In love from our first rendezvous

# As Queen, had to propose to you

# You were my rock in a crisis

# Like when someone tried to shoot you, but they missed

# We were a real celebrity pair

# Was first Queen Vic

-# First Albert

-Square

# The press watched every smile and flirt

# Called us Alboria But I preferred Vicbert

# Or you can call me Al!

# Oh, Bert and Vic Oh, Vic and Bert

# Nine kids, great family advert

# Oh, Vic and Bert Oh, Bert and Vic

# Yet I found babies ugly

# Ironic... #

Urgh, my eyes!

# We set trends Started new traditions

# Christmas trees Wearing tartan with style

# Albert had the Great Exhibition

# Which made Great Britain Albert-o-phile... #

At last!

# Oh, Vic and Al Oh, Al and Vic

# You showed our kids love with your stick

# Oh, Al and Vic Oh, Vic and Al

# Ours was a truly grand affaire royale

# Then Albert died Which left just me

# Just V, no A No A, just V

# Oh, how I mourned my special pal

# I loved you, Vic

# I loved you, Al. #

# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts

# The ugly truth, no glam... #

Can't get enough of Horrible Histories?

Then go to the CBBC Website and click on the link.

See you there.

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed...

# Horrible Histories. #