Frightful First World War Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians

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# Gory Stories, we do that

# And your host - a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to Horrible Histories. #

Britain on brink of war to end all wars.

Gentlemen, we face the most difficult decision, most difficult.

-Oh, dear, sir.

-Yes, now tea or coffee?

You're right, sir, that is difficult.

-That's not the decision, you fool.

-Isn't it, sir?

No, we face a much more difficult decision than that.

We are facing a great war.

-ALL:

-War?

-Yes, war.

-Why?

-Because an Austrian has been killed by a Serb in Bosnia,

and that means war.

Oh, yes, I see.

-Sir?

-Yes, Maltravers.

Why does an Austrian being killed by a Serb in Bosnia mean war, sir?

Because of Russia.

Why?

Because Russia supports Serbia and Austria supports Bosnia and so on.

-I support Arsenal.

-Shut up, Blenkinsopp.

So, an Austrian has been killed by a Serbian in Bosnia which means

Austria might invade Serbia and then Russia will invade Austria?

-Correct. Any questions?

-Yes, sir.

-What is it, Maltravers?

-How does this involve Britain, sir?

Well, Maltravers, who would you say is your best friend?

Oh, Blenkinsopp, sir, he's a spiffing fellow.

And if I were to punch Blenkinsopp in the nose,

what do you think you would do?

-Nobody punches Blenkinsopp and gets away with it.

-Exactly, exactly.

So, if Russia threatens Austria, Austria's best friend

will offer support, and who is Austria's best friend?

-Not Blenkinsopp?

-Germany.

Germany is Austria's best friend, Maltravers.

-BOTH:

-# Austria and Germany sitting in a tree

# K-I-S-S-I-N-G. #

Yes. So, if Russia were to attack Austria, Germany would attack Russia.

But that will leave Germany undefended on the other side.

So, if Germany were to attack Russia,

she would also have to attack France.

-France?

-Yes, France.

And if Germany were to attack France, it would leave Belgium threatened.

And Belgium is our friend.

So, we would hop in there to defend them.

So, we've all got to go and fight in a war because of that, sir.

-Yes, Maltravers.

-Well, I might get killed, sir.

Yes, you might Maltravers, but it would all be for a good cause.

So, where is Bosnia again?

Oh!

It's so complicated my brain hurts!

But that's why war began in 1914,

with soldiers going to France and Belgium

to fight on what was known as the Western Front,

in trenches like this one,

which were lovely places to be... but only if you were a rat.

Eh, up.

Billy boy, welcome to the trenches.

Thanks, Charlie, I'm just going to dump my kit bag in my bedroom,

-I'm desperate for the toilet.

-Of course, go ahead.

-Where is me bedroom?

-Well, you're in it.

-You what?

Only the officers get a separate dug out,

the rest of us sleep on the floor, in the mud.

-RAT SQUEAKS

-With the rats.

Oh! Disgusting. Where are the toilets?

It's over there behind the trenches. Now, rule one, never ever...

EXPLOSION

HE COUGHS

As I was saying, never use the toilets first thing in the morning.

The Germans know that we tend to go then,

so they always fire a few shells at the toilet sheds

and try to catch us with our trousers down, er, so to speak.

Righto.

So we tend to use the bucket.

-You know, I think I'll just hold it in.

-Can't say I blame you.

So then, rule two...

GUNFIRE

-Never poke your head up above the trench.

-Cor lumme! That were close!

Here, give us a sip of that brew to calm me nerves.

Rule three, watch out for the water.

Yeah, we put chloride of lime in it to kill the germs.

Good.

Yeah, not if you're not used to it, though.

Tends to give you very bad diarrhoea.

Oh, oh! Gangway!

Oh!

EXPLOSION

HE COUGHS

I think somebody forgot rule one.

Right.

I won't be a minute.

While our boys are braving it out on the Western Front,

here are some new rules for those of you left at home.

We're at war. Now, to make sure we win, the government have come up

with a few do's and don'ts while the war's on.

Let me take you through them.

Oi! What on Earth are you doing?

Don't fly a kite. Flying a kite is now illegal.

It could attract a German Zeppelin which could come and bomb you dead.

HE SOBS

Oh, nice one(!) Good job, thanks a bunch(!)

Stop!

Oh, what now?

Don't feed the ducks. We need all the food for humans.

Feeding food to ducks is illegal. I should have you locked up.

HE SOBS

Has anyone ever told you you have a way with children?

No, but thank you.

No, I was being funny. Is there a law against that?

No, not yet.

-HE WHISTLES

-Taxi!

Don't whistle for taxis. Whistling for taxis is banned,

-in case it should be mistaken for an air raid warning.

-Honestly?

-Yes.

Look, son, it's a letter from your brother on the Front Line.

-I'll have that.

-Will you stop following us around?!

Don't write anything negative about the war.

You can't say that or that or that.

"Dear Dad and Charlie. Love Billy."

There's nothing left! Why have you censored everything?!

-Because it's bad for morale.

-I'll tell you what's bad for morale -

your new laws. And, in any case, you said this was a list

of do's and don'ts. Well, what are the dos?

Do what you're told.

Walked right into that one, didn't I?

By the end of 1914, life had changed for everyone,

especially for those soldiers living in the trenches.

But on Christmas Day, some British and German troops in France

called an informal truce and played a game of football.

Imagine that. Oh, I'm imagining it.

Well, you join us here in the final stages

of this most unusual England versus Germany friendly.

Oh, and it looks like Britain are mounting another attack, Steve,

usually it would be with guns and bayonets, but not today.

And Jenkins has got through, that's a magnificent ball,

there's nothing between him and the goal

except a couple of unexploded bombs and some barbed wire.

Shoot, shoot!

That's a poor choice of words under the circumstances, mate.

Good point. Kick, kick!

And Britain have scored, that levels the match at 2-2.

I have to say, the pitch is in a shocking condition.

Absolutely, Steve. Well, strictly speaking it's not a pitch,

it's a battlefield. The players are playing upon No Man's Land,

which is the area of ground between the two enemy trenches.

And it looks like one of the British subs is warming up

-on the touchline there.

-Oh, no, he's not warming up, Steve,

he's actually got lice from living in the trenches.

And Germany are back in possession.

This could be the winning goal here, Steve.

Over here, Herman, on my head, on my head.

Oh, sorry, guys, I probably should have taken my helmet off.

WHISTLE BLOWS

CHEERING

They think it's all over, it is now.

Unfortunately not the war, but the football game.

-Great game, mate.

-Ja, ja. You want to er, change the shirts?

Oh, it might not be such a good idea under the circumstances.

Oh, you funny guy.

You're all right, mate. Happy Christmas.

You're OK, too, chum. Happy Christmas.

Touching scenes there. It's hard to know how these troops are going to

-go back to trying to kill each other tomorrow.

-Maybe they won't, Steve.

Maybe they won't.

Merry Christmas.

World War I wasn't just being fought in the trenches,

it was also being fought in the sky with aeroplanes,

which were quite a new invention,

and were being used in battle for the first time.

-PLANE ENGINE APPROACHES

-AGH!

Your chance to be a British World War I fighter pilot.

Select pilot.

-Nice one.

-No, he's far too common to be a British pilot.

-Oh!

Pick again.

-Jolly good.

-That's better.

Only posh officers are allowed to fly in the British Royal Flying Corps.

Will I really be using a sword much in the air?

Am I missing something? Is the horse coming on the plane as well?

That's more like it.

Your plane flies at a maximum speed of 40mph,

but go less than 35mph and your plane will stall.

Congratulations, you have survived training.

-Phew.

-Select opponent.

You have selected Manfred von Richthofen, the Red Baron,

the most feared German pilot in the skies.

I have shot down more planes

than any other German pilot.

Can't we choose someone else?

Ja, let's begin.

But I've only had two hours' training in the air.

I won't last five minutes.

What did I tell you? Select parachute.

-Parachute not available.

-What?

British pilots were not allowed parachutes

in case it made them too cowardly to fight.

Ha, you're toast!

Be a British World War I fighter pilot.

But not for so very long.

Soldiers in the trenches in 1915 now faced bombing raids from the sky

as well as another new danger - poisonous gas attacks.

And you'll never guess what soldiers could use to save themselves.

Hi, I'm a shouty man,

and I'm here to tell you about the multipurpose liquid revolution...

-Wee wee?

-Yes, wee wee.

Watch out, incoming! Gas attack!

-Mislaid your gas mask?

-Oi, happen I have.

Then wee on a hanky and wrap it round your nose and mouth.

Oh, yuk!

This will protect you against some poisonous gases, not all of them.

-Are you sure these gases are worse than the stench of wee?

-Pretty sure.

-Is your machine gun overheating?

-Aye, happen it is.

-Run out of water?

-Aye, happen I have.

Then just cool it down with new World War I wee wee.

-Are your hard Army boots giving you blisters?

-Aye, happen they are.

Then just soften up that tough leather with new World War I wee wee.

Wow, that feels much better. They feel like slippers now.

Well, slippers that have been wee'd on.

Yes, that's new World War I wee wee.

Wee for victory, boys. And how much does it cost?

Why, one pee, of course.

So, by 1916, everyone's doing their bit for the war effort,

but it doesn't seem to be making much difference. In fact, the war's

going less well than my third driving test.

And that's the one where I hit a camel.

The end of 1915 had seen a defeat at Gallipoli

that cost the Allies a quarter of a million of men. And back in Europe,

Germany and the central powers are gaining the upper hand. This means

that even more new soldiers are needed for the front line,

a task achieved using a combination of patriotic posters,

enforced recruitment, or conscription,

of men between the ages of 18 and 41,

and the training of farm animals to fire guns,

although probably not that last one.

But the plan works and 1.2 million extra men join the Army in 1916,

just in time for a major assault on the German lines

around the French River Somme.

And as the Allies have just spent a week firing one million mortars

at the German lines, there's no way this attack can go wrong, right?

Wrong! Yes, when the British Troops head out across No Man's Land

towards the enemy, they find that the shells

have barely touched the entrenched Germans...

but has turned No Man's Land into a hellish tangle of barbed wire,

which makes the Brits a sitting target for those German guns.

But the funny thing about the Somme is, erm...

No, I've got nothing. Sorry. In fact, the first day of the Somme

was the single worst day of warfare in human history.

And there's been loads of history.

There were over 57,000 casualties of which nearly 20,000 were fatal.

And that was just on day one. So was it worth it?

Well, judge for yourselves.

Ah, Corporal, do you have an update for me?

I am pleased to report, sir, that the Somme campaign is finally over.

Brilliant, I told you my World War I trench warfare tactics

were state of the art.

So, how much land have we taken back off those dastardly Germans?

Well, sir, we have pushed the enemy back...

-..two miles.

-Two mil... Oh, that's not very much, is it?

But progress nevertheless, what!

I think we should celebrate a job well done.

-Well, it has taken us five months, sir.

-Wah, wah, wah, it's always

the negatives with you, isn't it, Corporal?

Modern warfare takes time, man.

It's cost us 620,000 men, sir.

Oh, that is rather a lot, isn't it?

But on the plus side, we are two miles nearer to Berlin, what!

-How much further to go?

-490 miles, sir.

I see, so we've only moved two miles in five months,

so at this rate we should be in Berlin by, oh, don't tell me...

Er, 490 divided by two, times by five, carry over the doo-dah...

and the what's-in-me-face...

-It's over 100 years, sir.

-Oh!

Well, we won't be alive then, will we?

-Not with you in charge, sir, no.

-Hm.

Oh! Not as tasty as it looks.

I'll tell you what else wasn't as tasty as it looked -

the food that we had to eat in the trenches. Urgh!

Four eager chefs, four historical eras, but just one prize.

Who will be crowned Historical MasterChef?

Whoever wins this competition, it will change their lives.

What he said.

Ernie is a World War I soldier who has to prepare his own meals

from limited rations.

Mate, mate, mate, mate, mate,

you can't do that, that's unhygienic.

Oh, but it feels so good.

I've been stuck in those freezing cold trenches for months, months.

You can't leave these - urgh!

Yeah, my socks are a bit riddled with lice, I'm afraid.

-Don't worry, mate, you get used to the itching.

-Do you?

No. Still, waste not, want not, eh?

Urgh!

The red ones are more juicy.

Urgh!

With Gregg deloused,

it's time to find out what Ernie will be serving up.

OK, everyone, time's up. Stop cooking meals of food.

Well, first up, I've made dog and maggot.

-Not actual dog and maggot?

-Oh, no, no, no.

That's just trench talk for bread and cheese.

-I'm following that with baby's head.

-Right, not actual babies?

No, not actual babies. That's trench talk for meat pudding.

It's called that cos it looks a bit like a baby's head.

And lastly my piece de resistance - messenger pigeon pie.

Now you're talking.

-Just to double check, not actual messenger pigeon?

-Yeah, actual.

Well, we weren't sending any messages, so waste not want not.

Talking of which...

It's not bad.

Ernie, your food was disgusting.

However, we admired your resourcefulness,

and for that reason,

we're putting you through to the next round, congratulations, mate.

Oh, that's wonderful, thank you.

Hm, what is this?

Tea. It's from stale rainwater I scooped out of a dirty shell hole.

It does tend to give you quite bad diarrhoea if you're not used to it.

HE FARTS

Oh, oh, no, I don't think I'm going to make it, boys.

Waste not, want not, eh?

HE FARTS

Still not used to it, still not used to it.

# We're the cousins who ruled over dozens

-# King George

-Tsar Nick

# Kaiser Billy

# When the century started

# We could hardly be parted

# And that was long before the frightful First World War

# I'm King George and when young I forged an alliance with these two

# Through Queen Vic we were related

# Together world power she created

# I'm Tsar Nicholas with George mischievous

# Swapped uniforms at posh dos

# We looked liked twin set, matching beards

# Right royal family, if a little weird

# Drove advisors round the bend

# So all that friendship has to end

# We're relations Crowned by our nations

-# Great Britain

-Russia

# And Germany

# When our governments fell out

# Peaceful relations put in doubt

# Conditions perfect for the frightful First World War

# I'm Kaiser Wilhelm, I kind of felt a bit left out by the rest

# They had beards, I only had a moustache

# Feared my withered arm gave me less panache

# I love the military, thought at diplomacy I would be the best

# We sent telegrams, hoped to stop the bombs

# But they weren't worth the paper they were written on

# I called England mad March hares

# You didn't help avert war there

# Now all leaders that all succeed us

-# Great Britain

-Russia

# Both against me

# I was in charge of German troops

# But you proved to be hopeless, oops!

# The commanders, they ignored

# In the frightful First World War

# Execution. Oh!

# And when the war was no more

-# We won

-We lost

# Call it a score draw

# I was the only one left in charge

# I ran away but still at large

# And all this frightful war could do

# Was set up World War II

# Which was us against you

# Boo, boo, be doo. #

Talk about families at war, eh?

And what a war it was.

So many soldiers were being killed that the authorities were in

desperate need of more troops.

Sergeant!

I thought I'd make a quick spot inspection while it's...

Nice and safe while the enemy aren't shooting at us, sir?

Well, yes, I thought I'd take a look at our frontline troops.

British fighting man's the best in the world, Hott!

Yes, indeed, sir.

Well, the men are ready for you, sir.

Oh, very good.

Atten...shun!

Sergeant, they appear to be women and a boy.

Yes, sir, but only physically, sir.

Legally, they're men.

I've seen their sign-up papers.

Well, they all clearly lied when they signed up, then, didn't they?

I mean this one here's practically a child.

According to his papers, he's 36 and married with three children.

Let's face it, sir,

the British Army's so desperate for soldiers,

we'll let anyone in.

Well, what happens when a great, strapping German division attacks?

What happens then?

We're about to find out, sir.

They're in the trench.

Here they come.

What on earth is going on, Sergeant?

It seems the Germans have a similar situation.

Their army's packed full of pensioners.

I think he died of old age.

Well, keep up the good work.

Carry on, men, women, boys.

That's the spirit, sir.

Plus by 1918, that revolution in Russia has thrown the country

into turmoil and they exit the war, leaving the Allies more vulnerable

to attack than a rabbit wearing a high-viz jacket in an owl sanctuary.

Luckily, the Americans have decided that they don't much like the fact

German submarines have been attacking their ships -

well, who would? -

and agree to join the war on the Allied side. However,

with no experience of modern warfare,

it'll take a year to train up their troops,

giving the Germans one final chance to try

and snatch victory before this huge new army arrives.

So, in spring 1918, the Germans launch a last-ditch assault

with half a million troops recalled from the old Russian Front, and

with numbers on their side, it looks like they've got victory in the bag.

But not for long. Yes, in the nick of time,

the American soldiers finally show up looking all buff

and helped to turn the war around.

Suddenly, the Germans are staring defeat in the face

and that's despite having the best fighter pilot there is -

the highly confident Red Baron.

-ALL:

-Red Baron!

-That's me.

-ALL:

-Red Baron.

-That's me.

-ALL:

-Red Baron.

-That's me.

-ALL:

-Red Baron.

-Ah, hah.

Guten tag, Red Baron.

Oh! However did you know it was me?

THEY LAUGH

Yes, that was quite funny, wasn't it? Someone write that down.

-How are you today?

-Breathtaking as always, yourself?

Well, my back is giving me...

Fabulous, now listen, I need your help.

I've just shot down a British plane and I'd like to commemorate

my achievement by having a nice silver cup...

With the date engraved on the side.

Oh! How did you know?

Maybe I am psychic or maybe you always order that.

I must have engraved 60 cups for you already.

Oh, is it 60? I don't really count.

-Well, maybe it's less than 60.

-No, it's 60, it's definitely 60.

Now you've seen what we're capable of,

are you going to do me another cup or not?

-Not.

-Why not?

-Because we have run out of silver.

Well, why don't you just order some more?

No, no, Germany has run out of silver.

The war has caused a national shortage.

But I need a souvenir for the last plane I shot down.

Baron, what about the little piece of plane wreckage

we recovered from the crash site?

Well, yes, there is that, I suppose.

-Yeah, for sure I can engrave that for you.

-Er, no.

I'd rather keep my plane plain.

Don't write that one down. Right, well, we must be going,

I need to take my souvenir back to complain - it has a hole in it.

THEY LAUGH

You may write that one down.

I'm back!

Exit chanting, please.

-ALL:

-Red Baron.

-That's me.

-ALL:

-Red Baron.

-Oh, yeah.

-ALL:

-Red Baron.

-It is I.

-ALL:

-Red Baron.

I think we are going to lose.

The Red Baron's luck finally ran out and he was killed in April 1918,

which was a really bad year for the Germans.

They were defeated in November and the end of the war was announced.

Hooray!

But it wasn't over straightaway.

Oh, no.

GUNFIRE AND EXPLOSIONS

Captain! Everyone, I have great news.

The Germans have admitted defeat and agreed to a complete ceasefire.

-So, no more fighting?

-No more war.

From the 11th hour of the 11th day

of the 11th month, there will be peace at last.

-Hooray!

-Sorry, what do you mean by the 11th hour?

Well, that's when the armistice officially begins, 11am,

the 11th November 1918.

And until that time we're still at war with Germany.

-Technically, yeah.

-Right, two more minutes men, two more minutes!

Whoa, whoa, what are you doing? The enemy have surrendered.

Not until 11 o'clock, they haven't, and besides, look at

all of that ammunition. Are you going to carry that lot home?

-Because I'm certainly not.

-You mean you're just going keep shooting

-at them until the stroke of 11?

-Yeah.

-But, Captain.

The Boche are still firing at us.

Of course they are! Because we're still firing at them.

-Ah, Major General Wright, sir.

-Geoff.

I just wanted to let you folks know that me and my boys are going to

try and take that there town over there.

-But the war's virtually over.

-That's what I'm talking about, boy.

We need to get in there before 11

or the Germans will bagsy all the baths. Follow me, men.

No, no, stop it, this is crazy!

Will everyone just stop shooting at each other?

-It's literally 60 seconds to go.

-Tom's right,

no-one's going to win any medals taking pot shots at the enemy.

Please listen to my friend, Henry.

Charging at them with a bayonet.

Charge!

EXPLOSION

No!

They've killed Private Gunther. Right...

permission to let the Boche have it, sir.

Certainly not. Have you seen the time?

You fire at the Germans now and it's murder.

Honestly, some people.

Run me a bath, Jenkins.

So, that's the Great War in a nutshell,

and with World War I finally over, everyone vows not to let it

happen again by signing the Treaty of Versailles, which controversially

makes Germany accept responsibility for the war, and tells them

they need to pay back the Allies for all the money they spent on it,

which goes on to bankrupt Germany, setting up the perfect conditions

for Hitler's rise to power.

So, basically the end of World War I goes on to cause World War II.

Which makes me wish I understood irony, because that's probably it.

However, the war does change some things.

Some of the scarier details made me change my pants, for example,

and it certainly changed the lives of women.

Before the war, suffragettes,

fighting for the right to vote, had struggled to be taken seriously.

But, thanks to their help with the war effort,

the nation's minds had been changed. I'll let them tell you how.

But from me, for now, goodbye.

We are the suffragettes.

Think you know some fierce girls?

You ain't heard nothing yet.

# A lass called Millie Fawcett, founder of our cause

# Started the battle for our rights

# Argued the Government should change the laws

# Here is how she stated our plight

# How come girls can't vote for rules that we have to obey

# When we work and pay taxes, too?

# Parliament's reaction was

# Oh, do go away

# How dare they diss the suffrage crew

# Suffragettes sing

# We're going to do this thing

# Peaceful protest started in 1903

# Got no reaction, needed traffic action

# Got a new leader, Emmeline Pankhurst

# That's me

# Burst into Parliament shouting votes for women

# Actions though were shocking and new

# Chained ourselves to palace gates

# Tension was brimming

# Our name now WSPU

# Burned down churches, smashed up shops, attacked MPs

# The result, we were thrown in jail

# This made us more determined as you'll come to see

# Think we give up fighting? Hey, fail!

# Suffragettes sing, together we can win

# In prison, we protested and went on hunger strike

# Men still said no, but we just said yo

# You won't stop us now

# Miss Davison, please take the mic

# We became more extreme Derby Day, June 13

# In front of King and Queen

# Committed sacrifice supreme

# Crept unseen between the team and crowds watching the race

# And threw myself under a horse

# To try and make our case

# Became a famous martyr How did men react?

# We can't give women votes if they're so stupid they'll do that

# Seemed our cause was lost when World War came along

# Our suffragette reaction

# Was to wave our protest goodbye, farewell, so long

# To patriotic action

# Put down our banners saying give us votes, instead

# Supported Government's fight

# Worked to help them win the war So guess what they said?

# OK, ladies, you were right

# Suffragettes sing, we've done it ding, ding

# At last those men could see they should treat us the same

# So all take note now, women can vote

# And it's thanks to those who fought in the suffragette name. #

-# Tall tales

-Atrocious acts

-# We gave you all the fearsome facts

-The ugly truth, no glam or glitz

# We showed you all the juicy bits

# Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel

# Stuff they don't teach you at school

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed

# Horrible Histories. #