Episode 1 Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, Vile Victorians

# Woeful Wars, ferocious fights, Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description, Cut-throat Celts, Awful Egyptians,

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishments from ancient times

# Romans - rotten, rank and ruthless

# Cavemen - savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and Measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host - a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to...

GREGORIAN CHANTING: # Horrible Histories. #

'We Saxons believed our Gods were really tough, just like superheroes.'

Uhhh...

Ahhh!

-DRAMATIC VOICEOVER:

-'In an age of darkness...'

Uhhh. Ha-ha-ha!

'..a time of Saxon gods...'

Give me one good reason

why I shouldn't take you prisoner right now?

Uhh. Good reason.

'..only one could unite them to save the day.'

I am Woden, chief of all the gods.

Oh, OK.

I'm putting a team together.

You'll only mess it up.

Probably.

You need someone to save the day.

Definitely.

I'm putting a team together

and I'd hate to do it without my pretty wife.

Let's go.

'Starring...

'Apart, they were worshipped - together, they became Legend.'

So, what's this superhero team called, Woden?

We are...

Sorry, what? We're going to be "Days of the Week?"

Yeah, you know like, Tiw's Day, Woden's Day, Thunor's Day,

-Frige's day.

-And what are we meant to do exactly?

Nothing really, just look butch for the posters.

And Saturn's Day.

Sorry! Do you mind? You're a Roman god,

this is Saxon God Week, only for Saxons.

Yeah, well what about Moon Day and Sun Day?

Yeah we're a four-day-week team.

'Witness the incredible story of how the greatest gods of the Saxon age

'came together to become almost one week.'

"Some of..."

It's true.

Some Saxon gods had a day of the week named after them.

But that's nothing!

In China, we have a whole year named after us, yeah.

The year of the rat. Ha-ha-ha!

The Saxons had lots of unusual gods,

in fact, they believed in all sorts of weird stuff.

Morning, Graham.

Oh, hello, Keith, how's tricks?

Oh, fantastic. Bumper crop this year.

Going to be my best harvest ever, I reckon. Yours?

Well, it's a little bit sparse if I'm honest, not a patch on yours.

Well, you know what they say, the grass is always greener

on the other side of the fence, unless you're me, cos that's not!

I just don't understand it, you know -

-I've ploughed it, I've watered it, nothing!

-You tried charming it?

What, you mean like paying it a compliment?

Taking it out for a drink?

No, no. Actually charming it -

performing a land ceremonies charm, yeah?

A blessing to make the ground fertile. Turned my farm around.

-Really?

-Oh, yeah, it's dead simple.

All you do is, dig a hole in every corner of your field.

Well, that does sound very simple.

Then you take a sample of every grass, herb and leaf that's growing

within the field, and mix it with milk from every cow in your herd.

Right, and that's supposed to make the...

Then add honey from every bee in your hive,

mix that with holy water and pour the mixture into the holes

whilst singing an incantation, and then the Lord's Prayer.

Our Father who art in heaven...

And then take the dug up clumps of earth to the church

and get the priest to sing Mass to each one of them.

And then take four crucifixes,

write Matthew, Mark, Luke and John on 'em,

place them in the holes, shout, "Grow!", nine times.

Grow! Grow! Grow! Grow...

Say the Lord's Prayer again.

Who art in heaven...

Turn east, bow, say another prayer.

Hallowed be thy name...

Turn around three times, lie on the ground, do a chant...

stand up...

bless the plough, bless the seeds, dig a furrow, bake a cake,

bless the cake, bury the cake and then bingo, your field's fertile.

Now you do that next time before you sow your seeds.

Seeds! Of course! Oh!

No wonder my crops weren't growing, I forgot to sow my seeds.

-What a muppet!

-You're such a numb brain.

All right. Right, I'm going to finish this cake, then get sowing.

Don't suppose you got a spare slice, have you?

Can't remember where I buried mine.

The Great Plague of London in 1665 killed about 100,000 people.

The grimy, unsanitary conditions people lived in

meant the plague spread very quickly.

To avoid catching the disease, many rich Londoners fled the city.

'It's 1665 and Historical Grimefighters,

'Lou and Dave, have been called to a property in Oxford.'

Apparently there's a bit of a smell coming from this property,

so Dave and I thought we'd try and track the problem down.

Whoa! Ho-ho!

Don't tell me - students?

No, Stuarts. Charles II. Hi.

Er, normally I live down in London,

but there's this dreadful plague business going on there.

Ruining my parties, so I moved the royal court up here to Oxford.

Come on in. Loving the outfits, by the way.

Oh, thanks very much.

Oh, don't bring that in, mate.

Leave it out there.

LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

Oh, would you look at this, Dave?

Absolutely disgusting.

They're dropping food all over the place.

Talk about the stinking rich, this lot haven't had a bath in weeks.

Well, baths are actually very bad for you, so...

-Says who?

-Says my doctor.

Hello, I'm the senior physician to the King

and I can confirm it's a well-known scientific fact.

Bathing relaxes the muscles and, er...it makes you dizzy

and THAT is how you catch the plague.

-No, it isn't, that's nonsense.

-Well, I'm not taking any risks,

that's why I've stopped having baths. I've...

-HE COUGHS

-..taken up smoking.

And I'm wearing a dead toad around my neck.

Disgusting.

Round here, Dave. Look at this! That's human.

Right, seriously, who's been dumping in the chimney place?

Well, it certainly wasn't me, I use that corner.

Urgh, that's rank, at least I use the coal house.

-The coal house?!

-Well, it beats queuing up for the study,

-that's where everyone else goes.

-Right, that's it, everybody out.

Oh, come on, don't be such a party pooper.

It's you who's the party pooper, mate, leaving your little presents

all over the place. I mean, honestly, don't you know anything?

Being this unhygienic will only help spread the plague.

It doesn't matter anyway.

-What do you mean, it doesn't matter?

-We're moving back to London soon.

Come on everyone, party back at the Palace, yo!

Oh, not you, Dave. Oh, right, er... you're just going to walk out

and leave all your little piles of poo for everyone else to clean up,

-are you?

-Yeah.

-You're an animal, mate.

A party animal. Ha-ha-ha!

Come on, then, Dave, you best stop your nattering.

Get your pooper scooper out and get going.

Dirty rotten Stuarts.

'The Greek world faces a new threat.

'Your mission is to save the ancient Greek colony of Syracuse

'from the up-and-coming power in the region known as...'

Remember the name - we're going to be big.

-AUTOMATED VOICE:

-'Select defender. Old man selected.'

Good choice, I'm not just any old man, I'm Archimedes.

Greek mathematician and inventor.

"Brains not brawn", I always say.

HE SNORTS WITH LAUGHTER

Let's see what you've got, old man. Ha-ha!

'Select weapon.

'Giant mirror selected.'

A mirror? What are you going to do with that?

Scare me with my own reflection?

It's my new invention. The Burning Mirrors of Archimedes.

They reflect the rays of the hot Mediterranean sun

and focus them onto the sails of the Roman ships.

Oh, right. That's what you're going to do with it.

Brains one, brawn nil.

HE SNORTS

Let's see what else you've got, old man.

A giant crane! How bad can that be? Ha-ha-ha-ha!

I've come up with a sort of huge crane device

-to deal with enemy ships.

-Argh!

I don't like to make a big deal about inventing it,

so I've just called it, The Claw of Archimedes!

HE SNORTS

'City defended.'

Yeah? Well, we'll be back again.

Whatever.

Have I told you about a device for moving water

up into irrigation ditches?

It's called The Archimedes Screw.

'No, really - game over!'

I'll give you three guesses who invented it?

HE SNORTS

(It was me!)

'The Romans did eventually manage to get into Syracuse,

'and Archimedes was killed whilst working on a maths problem.

'Roman plus sword equals death.

'And here's the story of another famous Greek

'who came to a sticky end.'

People of Delphi, I am Aesop.

-Who?

-I'm Aesop, famous fables writer.

No, never heard of you.

You've not heard the story of the hare and tortoise?

The race where the tortoise ends up beating the hare?

It's a moral tale about how speed is not always best?

Not interested.

All right, anyway - I, Aesop, famous fables writer,

have been tasked by King Croesus with distributing money to you,

the people of Delphi. Oh, interested now, ain't ya?

All right, OK, no need to rush.

Remember the story of the hare and the tortoise.

-That's snatching and you've had some.

-No, I haven't.

Liar! You obviously don't know my story about the boy who cried wolf.

-Never heard of it.

-Well, it's a moral tale about

how liars get their just desserts. Now, come on, form an orderly queue.

-No, you've definitely had some.

-No, I'm my identical twin brother.

-Really?

-Yeah, yeah, I'm a big fan of all your work, Ee-fop,

loved that one about the boy and the tortoise with the fish

and I want to say grasshopper?

Nice try. You obviously haven't heard my story

about the fox and the crow - a moral tale about not trusting flatterers.

-Oh!

-Now, honestly, behave, you lot!

You've obviously not heard my story of the goose with a golden egg -

a moral tale about greed.

That's it, no more money, you don't deserve it, you're all too greedy.

Have you ever heard the story about the fable writer and the cliff?

No, doesn't sound like one of mine.

Mine usually feature creatures of some sort.

It's a story about a highly annoying fable writer

who gets thrown off a cliff by an angry mob.

It's a moral tale about not annoying an angry mob.

No, oi! Don't...!

Don't you remember my story about the goose with the golden egg?

According to Greek historian, Herodotus, the people of Delphi

threw Aesop off a cliff - but soon afterwards a plague hit Delphi.

So, the moral of this tale actually turned out to be,

"Don't throw a fable writer off a cliff." Ha-ha!

'In Victorian times, we had some odd ideas

'about how to look your best. Good day!'

Oh, my gosh, Alexandra!

-You look really nice.

-Shut up.

No, you do, you look really pale and pasty, is it natural?

Lillian, you're bang out of order.

-Admit it, you must use fake-no-tan?

-Well, to be totally honest with you,

from time-to-time, I do top up my whiteness with some zinc oxide.

-Shut up.

-And I'll let you into another secret.

-These veins on my forehead...

-Yeah?

-Painted on with a brush.

-Shut up.

-I know babe, amazing, isn't it? They make my skin even paler.

-Almost see-through.

-Yeah, babe.

Oh, don't look now - Gertie's on her way.

That is well awkward. You know she's been courting that Lord Pelborough.

I know, babe, it's bang out of order. She knows I'm after him, he gets me.

They even went on a walk at the weekend without a chaperone.

-Shut up.

-I'm told she was showing an ankle.

-Oh, shut up.

Oh, watch out. Here she comes.

Hello, babe, you all right?

BOTH: Ohhhh! Oh, my gosh!

-Gertie, what happened to your face?

-You look well orange.

-100%.

It's so embarrassing. I went for a walk in the sun

and forgot my parasol. Now just look at me.

Suntan. So vulgar.

You look well common, babe.

-Like you've been working outdoors or something.

-I know. Sobs!

You better shut yourself in a dark room until that tan goes away.

Oh!

Oh, my gosh, so funny.

-So funny.

-Right, let's have a drink to celebrate.

Cheers.

Oh! Urgh, that tastes like vinegar!

Oh, that's because it is vinegar. It makes your skin even paler.

So random.

It's true - posh Victorians used to frown on anyone with a suntan.

It was a sign of being a poor person who had to work outdoors.

Hm. I've got a great sunblock. It's called fur.

Yes, in Victorian times people liked to be properly covered,

even when on the beach.

'It's 9am and the gentleman of the Victorian Beach Patrol

'are ready for action. And they won't have to wait long

'as Victorian bathing costumes are extremely cumbersome

'and difficult to swim in. Uh-oh, what's this?

'Someone's in trouble.

'A cry for help and the men of the Victorian Beach Patrol

'spring into action.

'A quick change into their streamlined rescue clothes

'is the first stage of the rescue. The amazing Victorian Beach Patrol

'can get changed in a matter of minutes...

'25 minutes, that is!

'Now, appropriately dressed in their woolly Victorian swimwear,

'the Victorian Beach Patrol are ready to roll.

'Roll their bathing box into the water, of course.

'It wouldn't be seemly just to walk into the sea.

'What's this? It looks like the struggling swimmer

'has managed to make it to the shore!

'And the good news is he looks healthy and full of life.

'It looks like another success

'for the men of the Victorian Beach Patrol.'

'The 1960s were groovy, baby,

'and one of the grooviest things to happen was in 1969,

'when man landed on the Moon.

'It was far out - really far out!'

Hi. I'm Neil Armstrong

and I am here to tell you the secret behind my remarkable weight loss.

It's being on the Moon!

I went from being the weight of a normal man,

to weighing virtually nothing.

And now you can, too. All you need to do

is follow my unique Apollo 11 Weight-Loss Programme.

Here's me before landing on the Moon and here's me after.

An amazing 83% lighter. Here's how it works.

The gravity on the Moon is much less than gravity on the Earth.

Which means that when you walk on the Moon, you feel far, far lighter!

You'll be able to bound around like an overexcited kangaroo. Whoo!

Here's what you'll need - a rocket just like mine. The Saturn Five.

It needs to be taller than a 36-storey building

and weigh about the same as 400 elephants.

When you first arrive on the surface of the Moon,

make sure you're the first person out of the lunar module.

If you're the first man on the Moon, everyone will remember your name.

Take this guy - he came out second and his name is....

-I... It's gone.

-Buzz. Buzz Aldrin.

-His name is Baz Alldrains.

-Buzz Aldrin.

You see what I mean?

You also need something cool to say when you first walk on the Moon.

I'd recommend something like this...

'That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.'

Shouldn't that be, "That's one small step for A man,

"one giant leap for mankind"?

Well, when you're the first man to walk on the Moon,

maybe you could try that!

-Oh, sorry, my mistake.

-I

-was the first man on the Moon, Baz!

-Buzz!

-And don't forget to plant your American flag.

That'll really annoy the Ruskies!

-Try my Apollo 11 Weight-Loss Programme.

-It's mine, too.

-It's not rocket science.

-Technically it is.

-Who asked you, Baz?

Buzz! Buzz! Buzz!

-Have you got a wasp in there with you?

-What?

He hates it when I say that!

In the 1950s, landing on the Moon had seemed impossible.

But then so had the struggle for black Americans

to be treated equally.

It took a very brave woman to do something about that.

# I'm Rosa Parks, my story marks

# The first step towards Civil Rights

# Racial inequality, American policy Till I kicked off a fight

# What act of mine Led havoc to ensue?

# How come I caused such fuss?

# What shocking behaviour did I do?

# We-e-e-e-ll...

-# I sat on a bus

-You sat on a bus?

-# I sat on a bus

-You sat on a bus?

-# You want to know why?

-Go ahead, tell us

-# I sat on that bus

-You sat on the bus

# In the '50s all buses divided

-# Whites in front, blacks behind

-You serious?

# If the bus filled up we had to give up

-# Our seats or we'd be fined.

-That's Ludi-crous

# I made a stand in my hometown Montgomery, Alabama

-# That's danger-ous

-Refused to stand for a white man

-# So they put me in the slammer

-Discourte-ouss!

# December 5, 1955 My trial notorious

# Black people stood side-by-side

# And no-o-o-o-one

-# Got on the bus

-We stayed off the bus

-# They stayed off the bus

-We stayed off the bus

-# I meant busin-ess

-She inspired us

-# So they stayed off the bus

-We stayed off the bus

# We organised a boycott of public transportation

# To win R-E-S-P-E-C-T and force new legislation

# Dreamed of the day the USA

# Had no implementation Of S-E-G-R-E-G-A-T-I-O-N

# Spells segregation

# From that day on we walked or cabbed

# Led by Martin Luther King

# Attacked by mobs our houses bombed

# Though peace was our thing

# Our plight it made the national news

-# Which was mighty strange

-Mysteri-ouss

# When word reached the President He had to make a change

-# Deliri-ous

-One year on we'd finally won

# A victory momen-tous

# The fight for national Civil Rights was begun-u-u-n

-# Cos I sat on a bus

-She sat on a bus

-# I sat on a bus

-She sat on a bus

-# I sat on a bus

-For all of us

-# I sat on a bus

-She sat on a bus

-# I sat, I sat...

-# Our story owes a

# Huge debt to Rosa

# I sat, I sat, I sat on that bus

# We all agree She made history

# On the bus

# She sat on the bus

# For all of us

-# I sat on that bus

-She sat on the bus

-# I sat on that bus

-She sat on the bus

# She sat on the bus... #

Just come back safe, my darling, that's all I ask.

Alas, that is a promise I cannot make, my sweet Rose.

But I swear I shall fight bravely for you.

Oh, darling, you say the sweetest things.

Rose, as a sign of my devotion to you,

I shall not open this eye that you have kissed until the battle is won.

Oh! That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.

Right, well, you understand this places me

in quite a tricky situation.

-TRUMPETS SOUND

-To battle!

Ow! Oh.

-Oh, um, my love?

-No, it's fine.

Next time, how about just a nice peck on the cheek, huh?

Take care, sweetheart.

Oh!

-THUD!

-It's all right, I'm OK.

'There really was a Knight who went to battle with one eye closed

'after it had been kissed by a lady.

'Going off to fight often meant leaving England,

'and one man who was more than happy to do that was Richard I.'

'And you join us here for the climax

'of today's historic coronation ceremony which sees

'Richard Plantagenet crowned King Richard I of England.'

I hereby appoint you King Richard I, Ruler of the English.

Bonne. Merci beaucoups. Merci, le Bishop.

I go home to France now, I leave this dump.

Dump, your Majesty? Well, we've just had the roof done.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, not the Abbey, the country.

I cannot stand England, it's so cold and it's always raining.

And don't get me started on London.

Honestly, I would sell it if I could find a buyer.

Who wants to buy London? Although, I should warn you it's in England.

Eurgh.

But, Sire, you're the KING of England.

Oui, oui. And I love my loyal English subjects.

Every last taxpaying one of them. Come on, cough up.

But the place itself, well, let's just say it's no South of France.

You mean you only wanted England for the taxes?

And the wonderful food(!)

HE LAUGHS

I'm joking, of course.

I'm in it for the money. You, too, Bishop, let's see it.

Fighting these Crusades isn't cheap, you know.

Which reminds me, I should be off to the Holy Land soon.

Who put a button in the collection plate?! That's cheating!

This is for a good cause, you know.

But if you're off crusading, who will tend to our affairs?

Don't worry, I will leave a suitable deputy in my place.

-Mother!

-Oui?

I need you to look after England for a tiny little bit

-while I got off crusading.

-Without me?

But what will my baby boy do without his maman?

I think I'll manage somehow.

-Oh, and I've knitted a scarf for you.

-It's in the Middle East.

-Oh, and I have some nice warm milk.

-Maman, I'm 31.

You stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

You have some dirt on your face.

SHE SPITS

-No, no! Maman!

-Here you go!

Ooh! You're so embarrassing.

King Richard I is perhaps better known as Richard the Lionheart,

so called because he was a great warrior and military leader,

and not because he actually had the heart of a lion.

Though that would have been cool, though, wouldn't it? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh?

Hi, I'm Johnny Toughnut

and I'm here to teach you how to survive in a hostile environment.

This week we've come to Georgian England,

where, in the towns and cities, trouble lurks round every corner.

Let's go.

I'm with posh Georgian, Lord Posh.

Tell me - how posh are you?

I'm so posh, I'm make King George look common.

Oh, that is quite posh.

Right, we're under fire, take cover! Move, move!

Argh, someone's just thrown a dead cat at you.

Who's throwing dead cats at me? I shall have you flogged!

Agh! Right, we need to stay calm and take control of the situation.

-Oh!

-Oh!

-They threw a dead dog at me!

Right we need to get you indoors. Move, move!

In all my years of military training -

well, the two months I done before I got chucked out -

I've never seen anything like it.

Georgian aristocrats only need to go outside

to have unpleasant stuff chucked at them by poor people.

Mm, for some reason poor people don't like us.

Can't think why, the filthy scum.

GLASS SMASHES Oh!

First rule of living in a hostile environment, avoid detection.

Right, I'm must going to check for poor people.

The coast is clear, time to move.

We cross the road in three, two, one.

Go, go, go, go.

Some nasty urchin's just nailed my jacket to this barrel.

Oh! I shall have you flogged! You see if I don't!

This is proving to be a tough challenge.

There's only one thing for it.

To get around town safely,

Lord Posh is going to need to get into a securer vehicle.

And here it is.

Curtains so they can't see you inside, it's perfect.

You'll be safer in here, Posh.

I can't possibly travel around in that.

My wig's far too big for it.

Well, why don't you just take it off?

What and look ridiculous? No, thanks.

-What the...?!

-Oh, not me! I'm not posh!

Next week, I'll be in the Viking era where I'll be showing women

how to stop a fight between feuding Vikings

by chucking clothes on them.

Right, take it away, boys. Let's go, go, go, go.

Mind that horse.

Poor people really did throw dead dogs and dead cats at rich people.

"Oh, it's raining cats and dogs!

"Oh, literally!"

HE CHUCKLES

Although there were far more serious criminals at work in Georgian times.

A fine mess we've got here and no mistake, Dr Motson.

Fear not, Your Grace, my friend is the greatest detective in London.

His powers of reason and deduction are second to none.

True enough, Dr Motson, and he has been worth every penny

we and the government have paid him,

but I fear this crime maybe beyond even the skills of Jonathan Wilde.

Greetings, gentlemen, shall we go to lunch?

For goodness' sake, Wilde, there's a crime to be solved.

-Is the usual £40 fee available?

-Of course, Wilde.

In which case, he's cowering in that very cupboard.

But, Wilde, how could you have known?

No-one was seen leaving the building so the thief had to still be inside.

The thief emptied all the drawers, yet the cupboard remained closed.

Brilliant, you made a mistake when you crossed swords

with Jonathan Wilde, Thief Taker General.

Well, I made an even bigger one when I let him tell me where to hide!

It was him what planned the whole robbery.

Then why on earth would he tell us where you were hiding?

-I believe you owe me £40, Your Grace.

-Of course, Wilde.

Can't you see he's ripping you off?

He's running criminals in London,

turning them in and collecting the reward.

Us thieves are all too scared to say anything

because he'll have us arrested and then collect another reward.

Do you take me for an idiot? Take him away.

Goodbye, Sid.

Or whatever your name is.

Since you became Thief Taker General,

we've caught more criminals than ever before.

True enough, but I think we can do better.

We need a higher fee for catching them.

Say £140 instead of just £40?

-Done.

-In fact, using my powers of deduction,

I believe I can catch a few more.

Pat's under the desk, Mickey's hiding behind the bookshelf

and Dave is robbing someone in the street.

Or he will be in a minute. I'm guessing about the names.

GIRL SCREAMS Yes, brilliant, Wilde.

It's almost as if you knew where they were hiding all along.

Three more finder's fees, Your Grace, at the higher rate.

Come, Motson, the game is afoot.

-Someone's about to attempt to steal the Crown Jewels.

-Who, Wilde?

I don't know, I haven't hired him yet.

The money is waiting, Wilde.

Oh! Oh, goodness - my wallet's gone.

I assume there's a finder's fee?

Ohh...Wilde!

# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts

# The ugly truth... #

Can't get enough of Horrible Histories? Go to the

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