Episode 2 Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Roman, rotten, rank and ruthless

# Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to Horrible Histories. #

Travelling around in Stuart Britain can be very dangerous.

I think I'll just stay at home.

FLAGEOLET PLAYS

Darling, must you?

It calms my nerves. You know how dangerous coach travel can be

nowadays, what with all the highwaymen on the road.

Oh, what was that?

Just a rut in the road, I expect.

Oh, what was that?

Just a branch hitting the roof.

Oh!

Oh, what's happening?

Just a quick stop to feed the horses, I'd imagine.

Rah!

And that's just a highwayman pointing a loaded pistol at us.

-Huh!

-Oh!

Stand and deliver.

By which I mean, stay seated and give me stuff.

I reckon a couple of toffs like you carry at least £400 in cash,

so if you hand it over calmly, there is no need to...

A flageolet. Tell me, do you play?

-I do indeed.

-Shall we?

FLAGEOLETS PLAY

Sorry, just to check, are you still holding us up?

You know it is so nice to meet a fellow musician.

Do you know Jackdaws In Spring?

I do.

Well, this couldn't get any weirder if it...

MORE FLAGEOLETS PLAY

My mistake.

Yeah, look, sorry to be a party-pooper,

but could we possibly get back to the hold-up? We have dinner at six.

Of course, of course.

Enchante.

Now where were we? Oh, yes, armed robbery.

Now, since you are kind enough to allow me to dance

with your very talented wife.

Oh, you!

I shall do a special knockdown rate.

Say £100 for the whole crime, what do you think?

Oh, very decent of you.

Not a problem, least I can do.

-There you are.

-Ah! Thank you.

Have you ever considered getting into the music business?

No, between you and I, I hear it is full of crooks.

What's the difference between Claude Duval and Strictly Come Dancing?

One's a dancing criminal, the other's got criminal dancing.

All right, suit yourself.

When Claude Duval was eventually caught, Charles II liked him

so much he tried to get him released.

But poor Claude was hanged all the same.

During World War II, all sorts of weird

and unlikely new weapons were developed.

But none perhaps as weird and unlikely as the bat bomb.

Yes, the Americans came up with a plan to glue firebombs to bats

and release them over Japan.

The idea was the bats would go and roost in Japanese wooden

buildings and then explode and set fire to their cities.

It was a brilliant plan.

But there was just one slight problem.

Some of the bat bombs escaped...

Come back here, come back here now, that's an order!

..and blew an American air base to pieces.

It was very much back to the drawing board...

..which had also been blown to pieces.

In World War II, British Air Command started using radar

to see German planes at night.

But radar was a big secret. So to stop the Germans finding out,

the British cooked up a rather unusual cover story.

Carry on.

-Well, how did the bombing raid go?

-Not very well.

He got shot down. BOTH: Again!

What?! This keeps happening. Even though we attack them at night.

I know.

It's as though they have some sort of groundbreaking new

technology that allows them to scan the skies for aircraft

and plot our exact position on some sort of screen?

That is exactly what it's like,

and do you know what my intelligence reports tell me it is?

Carrots.

They have trained carrots to scan the sky for aircraft and...

No, no, no.

Apparently, eating lots of carrots improves their ability

to see in the dark.

That is how they can see us even on night raids.

And this is not some vile rumour, there is a leak.

Is it carrots or leeks?

No, no, there is a source.

A leek sauce?

No, no, there is an informer inside the British Air Ministry

who has let us know that it is eating lots of carrots

that allows their pilots to see in the dark.

Ja, could it not be a bluff?

Well if it is, it's a very good bluff.

They have even started to tell the British people that eating

the carrots will allow them to see better during the blackouts.

There is a poster and everything.

Then there is only one thing for it.

We build a weapon to destroy the world's carrots!

And to be safe, any other brightly-coloured root vegetable.

Dumkoffs! We give ourselves the same advantage.

If we also start eating the carrots

then we too will be able to see in the dark.

The table will be turned.

It's brilliant.

Now darkness is our ally.

-To your planes.

-Ja wohl!

CRASH!

Yeah, I don't think it's the carrots.

Yeah, possibly not carrots.

Yes, it was in fact radar that helped British pilots

to see in the dark, not carrots.

Although the vitamins in carrots are good for your eyes.

Carrots are also good for a nose, if you're a snowman.

Now, That's What They Called Greek Battle Music.

Pumping music to motivate, focus and help you get fired up for battle.

Featuring this track for Athenian troops.

Oh, yeah, love it! Now well psyched up.

Woo, let's do this thing, come on.

This hit for Theban Warriors.

Oh, I pity the warrior, that has to face me today.

I pity him!

Oh, bring it on.

And music for Spartan Warriors.

Oh, I'm so pumped.

Hey, hey, hey, guys, chillax, yeah?

Dude, this music isn't going to get you fired up.

Us Spartans are permanently fired up and ready for battle,

so much so that before we fight, we need music just to calm us down,

yeah? Can you dig?

So you're trying not to get psyched up?

Of course! You don't want the fun of battle to be over too quickly,

do you?

Who wants a fight?!

I'll knock your head off!

Now, That's What They Called Greek Battle Music.

Hit after hit, after hit.

Sparta! COUGHS

Argh!

Buy now while enemies last.

It's true.

Spartan men were full-time warriors, so battle-ready they preferred to

listen to flutes and panpipes, you really wouldn't want to face them.

I guess the good thing about wearing a tunic was,

if you weed yourself it wasn't so obvious.

And every Spartan warrior needed a Spartan bride.

Tomorrow is Spartan bride Creosa's wedding day,

perhaps the biggest day of her life.

Ow!

Will you hold still? I'm nearly done.

But she has let her fiance, Actaeon,

plan every single detail of their wedding.

Well I've chosen her outfit, planned the ceremony,

even picked her hairstyle.

I just hope she likes it.

So, will it be a day to remember, or one she'd rather forget?

-Oh, dear!

-There, just like he asked for, what do you think?

Well I think...it's wonderful, you're the best bridesmaid ever.

Oh!

Oh, yeah, sorry, this is Don't Tell The Spartan Bride.

With her fiance's choice of haircut having gone down surprisingly well

in fact, Creosa is now waiting for the delivery

of the wedding outfit Actaeon has picked for her.

Knock, knock! I've got your bridal wear.

'I've gone pretty traditional with the outfit.'

I mean all me army buddies went for the same thing with their brides,

so, you know, if it ain't broke...

So will Actaeon's traditional outfit be everything that Creosa

-ever dreamed of?

-Ta-dah!

Oh, no! Actaeon has dressed his wife up like a Spartan man!

He's going to be in so much trouble now.

-What do you think?

-Stunning.

-I know.

-You look like a man!

Grrh!

As a Spartan Warrior, Actaeon's devotion

to the men in his unit is absolute.

So making me look like a man on our big day,

it just shows how much he loves me.

It's so romantic.

Who'd have thought?!

Well with her wedding outfit complete, apparently,

Creosa has just one more night as a single woman before

she finally sees the ceremony that Actaeon has spent so long planning.

Ha-haa!

Oh, right, it seems Actaeon is kidnapping his fiancee.

Is no-one else finding this a bit weird?

No? OK.

Actaeon has delivered Creosa back to her mother's house - great!

So now it must be time for the ceremony.

Right, I'm off to war.

Yeah see you, babe.

Yeah, see you in ten years,

-Ta-ra.

-What?

That was it, she shaves her head, dresses like a man,

he kidnaps her and then leaves her straight away to go off to war?

That was a Spartan wedding?!

Actaeon was amazing, I mean our wedding was perfect in every detail.

It was just perfect.

Oh, I give up!

I wonder if that nice antique show needs a voice-over person.

When the Titanic set sail in 1912,

it was thought to be practically unsinkable.

This might explain why everyone on board

was so badly off when disaster struck.

Imagine if the crew had got together

to discuss how ill-prepared they were.

Right, gentlemen,

as you know, we've got over 2,000 passengers on board the Titanic

for this trip and we're sailing into an area well-known for its icebergs.

So I thought it only prudent to go through a few safety checks.

How did today's lifeboat drill go?

It was cancelled, Captain Smith, as per your orders.

Good work, Murdoch, who needs a lifeboat drill

when you're on a ship this size?

I mean surely it's unsinkable, right?

You'd have thought so, sir.

Hm, best be on the safe side though.

Have you checked there are enough lifeboats for everyone on board?

Of course we have, sir, there aren't.

We've only got 20 lifeboats,

-not nearly enough for all of our passengers.

-Is that wise?

I don't really know, sir, nobody's ever made a ship this big

so regulations don't really cover it.

Oh, only the regulations are regulations

even if there aren't any regulations.

And, er, do we know how to use these lifeboats?

No idea, sir. Most of us haven't had the necessary training.

Oh, well, I'm sure it'll be fine anyway.

Wireless operator,

have we received any warnings of any icebergs in the area?

Yes, we've had warnings from other ships.

Mm-hm. Don't suppose there's anything to worry about.

-Probably not, sir.

-Good, who's on the lookout tonight?

-I am, sir.

-And have you got your binoculars?

-No, sir.

-Oh! Won't you need them when you're manning the searchlight?

There isn't a searchlight, sir.

Just testing, seaman, this is all just precautionary stuff anyway.

I've been at sea 40 years and I've never had a problem.

We might as well increase the ship's speed to maximum.

That way, we'll arrive in New York earlier than expected.

Oh, er, who's the most experienced officer on the bridge?

-Erm, you are, sir.

-I'm off to bed then.

Murdoch, you're in charge, don't worry about a thing.

It's not as if the Titanic's going to sink!

LAUGHTER

-Funny.

-Right then, I think I deserve a nightcap.

Oh, anyone know where I can get any ice?

Oh, I'm sure some will show up.

The Titanic was meant to be unsinkable,

so there weren't enough safety measures put in place.

And when it did hit an iceberg, well, the result was a tragedy.

1,502 people died and only around 700 survived.

But some of the survivors' stories, well, they're amazing.

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths They're funny cos they're true, woo!

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #

Ha-hee.

Hm, new hairdo, is it, it looks like you've seen a ghost.

Boo! Ha-ha!

Oh, cheer up, just trying to help you out.

Next!

-Name?

-Arthur John Priest.

-Occupation?

-I worked stoking boilers on ships, you know,

basically shovelling coal into furnaces.

Any ships I might have heard of?

Well, er, the Titanic.

Hm, no, never heard of it.

I'm kidding! Of course I have.

So you drowned on the Titanic, did you?

No, I survived.

Hm, but you worked in the engine room, which means you must

have been in the very bowels of the ship when the iceberg hit?

Yes, I was, and I had to make my way up through

a maze of gangways to get onto the top deck.

Once I eventually got there the lifeboats had almost all gone,

so I had to dive into the ocean.

Oh, it must have been freezing?

Well you're not kidding, and cos it was so hot in the boiler room,

all I was wearing was shorts and a vest.

A lifeboat did pick me up eventually,

but not before I got frostbite.

Listen, mate, if you've only lost a couple of tootsies,

you're not going to impress anyone here, you follow?

So anyway, the Titanic must have put you off ships for good, did it?

No, I later went on to serve on the Alcantara in the First World War.

1916, I think it was, yes. She sunk in a sea battle.

-And then you drowned?

-No, I survived.

Well, surely that must have put you off sailing?

No, my next ship was the Britannic

which was even bigger than the Titanic.

During the First World War, they used it as a hospital ship.

Don't tell me that sunk as well?

It certainly did, got hit by a mine.

And then you drowned?

No, I survived!

You survived the sinking of three ships? Incredible!

Don't tell me, fourth time lucky?

In 1917, I worked on another hospital ship, the Donegal.

She was hit by a torpedo and sunk.

And then you drowned?

No, I survived.

What! Again? So when did you drown?

I didn't! I died decades later on land.

Of pneumonia, as it happens, in a nice warm bed.

Heavens above! That's not a stupid death, that's a boring death!

You want the queue next door, can't miss it,

it's the long and boring one.

Go on, hop it, you time-waster.

Oh, you mean I don't get to go through the, er, the whatsit?

No, you don't go through the whatsit.

Well, there's a first for everything.

Honestly, where do they find them?

Not at the bottom of the ocean, that's for sure!

Ha-ha! Come on.

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #

This is our patch.

-It's ours.

-Your turf ends at the waterfall. This land is ours.

Was yours.

Don't push your luck, Radnor, you might not live to regret it.

We have a claim to this land.

-You're disrespecting me.

-So what if I am?

You're disrespecting my whole family.

So what are you going to do about it?

There's only one thing we can do.

That's right. We settle this the Viking way.

We settle it the Viking way!

-With reasoned discussion and democratic debate.

-Agreed.

We need to discuss this dispute in a Viking parliament.

-Agreed.

-Well, I'll see you there next Saturday.

-Lovely.

-I'll look forward to it.

-Hm.

-How's Pat?

-Very well, how's Judith?

Oh, she's wonderful.

Good. You're looking good, have you lost weight?

Oh, you know, a bit of the old...

Roar! It's true!

We Vikings did discuss disputes in a Viking Parliament called

an Althing, yes, we were more peaceful than you might think.

# We Vikings have an awful reputation with your nation

# But when we'd finished plundering and pillages...

# Made nice villages

# Any place name ending -thorpe or -kirk or -by was us, you see

# Scunthorpe, Ormskirk, Wetherby, Scarborough fair,

# We named them, yeah

# We split your isles diagonally from south-east to north-west

# Our section called the Danelaw, King Alfred ruled the rest

# Think we're scary? No don't flee

# Conquered Saxons would find we

# Settled and lived in

# Harmony

# Vike-Eng-land

# Though we began as raiders

# So well-planned

# You accepted us as traders

# We introduced some new terms -

# Husband, gasp, egg Awkward, nag, leg

# More than 50 words to leave your lingo

# To your liking, thank a Viking

# Your little town of Swansea City

# Named for our King Sweyn

# Waterford and Dublin...

# Us old Norse Vikings again

# As farmers we made doubly sure to respect agriculture

# With us, locals felt secure

# Norse-Scot-land

# Large parts of that whole region

# Norse got land

# Were improved by Norwegians

# London Bridge is falling down

# The nursery rhyme comes from our time

# Vikings played key roles

# In 1014 it was pulled down by Olaf Haraldsson

# You can call him Ol

# In a dispute with King Canute Olaf's side won

# Ethelred returned as king and could be heard proclaiming

# "Here's to you, Olaf Haraldsson"

# Vike-Eng-land

# We swapped our life of violence

# Norse-Scot-land

# To enjoy the sound of silence

# There's no doubt under Viking rule Britain did improv-y

# Feelin' groovy

# And that's no lie La-lie, la, la, lie. #

In order to get a divorce from his first wife,

Catherine of Aragon, Henry VIII broke away from the Catholic church

and that meant a big change for everyone.

It's time to say goodbye to your Catholic religion.

The Religious Switchover is coming to England.

From 1534, you'll no longer be able to receive

your religious services from the Pope.

Instead you'll have to get them from King Henry VIII,

Head of the all new Church of England.

But don't worry, it's easy to convert.

There are no forms to fill in.

You can even keep your old Bible.

But if you're a monk, you'll have to hand over everything of any value.

What?

Here's a monk before religious switchover.

And here he is after.

Actually, I think I might take the Bible as well.

Looks like it might be worth something.

In fact the only difference you'll really notice

is the King's now got a lovely new wife.

And I'm quite a lot richer.

As if I wasn't attractive enough already, eh, Anne?

Hm. (FARTS) Oops, sorry about that, had rather a heavy lunch.

Yes, switching really is that simple.

Just tick the box that says you accept the supreme

authority of the King and you'll be able to carry on as normal.

But if, like Royal Councillor, Sir Thomas More,

you refuse to acknowledge the new powers of the Church of England...

Then you can just talk to one of our special advisors

-about the other options available.

-Er, ergh!

So don't let your head get left behind!

AXE THUDS

Right, who's next?

The great Religious Switchover is coming, are you ready?

Did you know Anne Boleyn had a bird as her emblem, a white falcon.

Though a headless chicken might have been more appropriate!

Sorry.

Young Henry VIII here demonstrating an early form of the pole vault.

He was always up to mischief like this when he was younger.

Are you sure this is wise, Your Majesty?

Oh, stop fussing, Wolsey. Keep filming, you.

Right, I'm going to own this stream.

You've got your run up, your jump...

Yeah, and your plummet head-first into a muddy stream.

Textbook, yeah, looks like he missed the other side by two feet.

Yeah.

Parting can be such sweet sorrow.

It can be a pain, too, especially when you follow the Tudor

tradition of throwing a shoe after the traveller.

All right, love, steady on.

It's good luck to throw one shoe, not hundreds!

Join us after the break when Henry VIII nearly causes

a diplomatic incident by shaving his beard off.

In Georgian times, there were lots of great poets and authors

like Jane Austen, Lord Byron and the brilliant Mary Shelley.

Hello, my name's Mary Shelley and I have written a book that

I believe would make a great movie.

Oh, please, don't waste our time.

We had a woman in here called JK Rowling saying the same thing.

We threw her out, she never worked again.

Actually they made those movies, it's the most successful film series

-of all time.

-I love Lord Voldemort. I said his name!

OK, maybe we should listen then. OK, shoot, Shelley Mary.

-Mary Shelley.

-Whatever.

Right, I was spending the weekend with my soon-to-be-husband

at a house in Lake Geneva

in Switzerland as a guest of Lord Byron.

-Uh-oh, name dropper!

-Clang.

I hate name droppers and so does my good friend, Brad Pitt.

Brad Pitt!

Well, anyway, er, a huge volcano had recently erupted

in the Far East, causing freak weather and an ominous darkness

across Europe, which was the perfect conditions

for telling horror stories.

I got a horror story for you - this meeting!

No, no, one night we had a competition to see who could

make up the scariest horror story, and one guest, Mr Polladory,

came up with the first vampire story in English.

But my story was even better than his story, so I called it

the Modern Prometheus, or to call it it's more common name, Frankenstein.

You wrote Frankenstein?

-I am Frankenstein!

-He's alive!

You've heard my story?

Your story has been made into a film already.

Like about a zillion times.

-There's, er, Frankenstein.

-Frankenstein.

-Frankenstein.

-Young Frankenstein.

-Bride of Frankenstein.

-Count Duckula.

-No, that's the other guy.

You see, everyone is sick and tired of your monster, Frankenstein.

Yeah, but my monster isn't called Frankenstein,

that's the doctor's name - Victor Von Frankenstein.

-So what's your monster called?

-Voldemort... I said it again!

It's Adam.

-Adam?

-Adam...the monster?

-I'm not scared.

-I'm not scared.

-I'm a bit scared.

Would it play as a romcom, Adam the friendly neighbourhood monster?

Girls scream wherever he goes, I'm thinking Justin Bieber.

Justin! Justin!

Er, my book is a serious work of literature about man playing God,

about the soul and, and this new exciting thing called electricity.

You know the problem with your movie?

-It frankenstinks.

-It's a flopenstein.

I don't have to put up with this actually.

I'm leaving. You, you're all monsters.

You'll never leave this castle!

-Grrh.

-Monsters, she's getting away!

-Don't touch the suit.

-Sorry.

The answer is...all three.

Byron also kept peacocks, geese and monkeys as pets.

He was a strange man, pale, aristocratic,

and interested in dark, gothic things.

A bit like a vampire!

When danger lurks in a world of darkness,

it's right to be scared of the twilight.

Hello, is there anybody there?

I'm looking for the house of the Lord Byron.

Ah, close the curtains. The light, it hurts me.

Lord Byron, you frightened me.

-Good.

-Oh!

Is Lord Byron a creature of the night?

Why - Lord Byron, you've turned into a wolf.

No, it's an actual wolf.

-Oh!

-He's my pet.

Oh, that's so dangerous.

He's called Lion.

That's so stupid.

In a time when life is short, can love last forever?

Bite me and make me like you?

Say it.

I can't.

Say it.

A vampire!

A what?

No, no, a poet.

But I thought, well, you know, you're pale, aristocratic,

you drink from skulls, you're a vampire.

No, I'm just a really pretentious poet.

But you said the light hurts you?

It does, it makes me look awful.

I mean, I'm so overweight,

I have to wear several waistcoats just to sweat the fat off.

Oh!

-You're not exactly an oil painting yourself, love.

-Rude!

Twit Light, the dark and mysterious story of Lord Byron.

It's been, er, lovely meeting you, must do it again sometime,

maybe next year.

-Don't want to stick around for the poetry?

-No.

-Yeah.

Warning, some scenes may contain romantic poetry, crammy.

And let thy gentle fingers fling its melting murmurs o'er mine ear.

WOLVES HOWL

Everyone's a critic, aren't they?

# Tall tales, atrocious acts

# We gave you all the fearsome facts... #

Can't get enough of Horrible Histories?

Then go to the CBBC website and click on the link.

See you there!

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #