Episode 3 Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians

# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce, toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

At the Battle of Pelusium in 525BC, the Persians faced

the might of our Egyptian army and they used a sneaky trick to beat us.

Great. I don't care if we are the elite of the Persian army,

I don't fancy our chances against the Egyptians.

Look at them, there must be thousands of them!

Relax, man, we're being led by Cambyses the Conqueror,

the Butcher of Memphis - imagine how many Egyptians

you've got to kill to get a nickname like that.

Besides, I've heard we've got a secret weapon too.

Warriors, with our new secret weapon we shall be invulnerable.

I present the weapon that will defeat the Egyptians.

Right, um, does it explode?

No, it's just a cat. It works like this.

Present cat!

-You see?

-We're going to get creamed.

Let's get out of here!

Wait! Allow me a chance

to demonstrate how our secret cat weapon works.

-Ridiculous.

-Present cat!

-It stopped.

-They're retreating. How does it work?

Simples! Egyptians love cats.

They have cat cults, cat festivals, whole cities dedicated to cats.

They wouldn't dare risk hurting one.

As long as we hold the cats between us and them,

they shan't dare attack.

You realise there's one problem with your plan?

-What's that?

-What if you're allergic?

THEY SNEEZE

Wazoo! Wazoo!

-Sorry, you've got a really weird sneeze.

-Yeah, I know.

Sounds like you're just saying, "Wazoo."

-Wazoo!

-Sounds like wazoo, extraordinary.

Please, stop it, stop it. Wazoo!

Bless you!

Ancient Egyptians offered mummified cats to the goddess Bastet.

One tomb, built in around 2000BC,

was discovered with the remains of 80,000 cat mummies.

I'd like us all just to take a moment to think about

all those dead cats.

Whoo-hoo! Dead cats! Dead cats!

Dead cats! Dead cats! Dead cats!

Then you'll love I Love Cats Magazine, because

we Ancient Egyptians don't just love cats, we worship them, literally.

Don't miss our special offer on moggie mummification.

When your beloved pusscat passes on, why not treat them

to their own special sarcophagus? Purr-fect!

You'll love our special report

on the Festival of Bastet, goddess of cats.

700,000 visited her temple at Bubastis, honouring her

by singing and dancing and drinking loads and loads of wine.

-Festival of Bastet's brilliant.

-Meow!

And don't miss this month's special feature on hunting with cats.

Find out how I taught my cat how to help me hunt.

All I have to do is throw this boomerang

and try and catch a flying bird.

Yes, got one! Now Tiddles will help me retrieve it. Tiddles, fetch!

Go on, Tiddles, fetch the... No, you're going the wrong way.

She needs a bit more training. I wish you were a dog!

Ugh, every time!

Cat-astrophe!

And enter this month's cat caption competition

and you could win a cat pendant, which comes with a lifetime

guarantee of protection from the cat goddess herself.

Check out last month's winner.

So buy I Love Cats Magazine, out Meow!

Yours for three cloves of garlic, or one clove of garlic

if you're good at bartering.

Famous Scot Bonnie Prince Charlie

thought he should be King of Britain,

so he led a rebellion against George II, but his army was heavily

defeated at the Battle of Culloden and Charlie needed help to escape.

-WOMAN'S VOICE:

-Ooh, hello.

I'm just canvassing opinion on the Young Pretender,

Bonnie Prince Charlie, who recently failed in his attempt

to overthrow King George II. Do you think

he's A, absolutely awful and you'd turn him in in a heartbeat?

B, basically all right, but you wouldn't want to meet him?

Or C, a good Scottish lad who you'd definitely help

-if he came to your door doing a silly voice?

-C.

-NORMAL VOICE:

-Ah, thank goodness for that.

-Bonnie Prince Charlie!

-The very same.

What on earth are you doing out here in the Hebrides?

I'm on the run. King George II wants me dead.

For some reason, he didn't like me going to war against him.

I can't imagine why.

No, nor I, given I am the last legitimate heir

to the House of Stuart and the rightful heir

-to the throne of Britain.

-If you say so.

Now, I can arrange safe passage to France from the Isle of Skye,

but I cannae get to Skye on my own.

So, what do you say? Will you help a handsome prince?

Maybe, what's his name?

Er, I meant me.

Oh, right! Of course.

Now, the King has put a £30,000 price on my head, so

the challenge is going to be getting me to Skye without being spotted.

-Don't you worry, I have everything we need.

-Oh, great, thanks.

It's a nightmare, all this running and hiding.

Can you think of anything more humiliating

than a man of royal blood having to skulk around the moors like...

Apparently, you can.

If anyone asks, your name is Betty Burke and you're my Irish maid.

Can you do an Irish accent?

Top o' the morning to you.

Maybes I'll do the talking.

Well, what do you think?

Think you make a more convincing Irish maid than you would a King.

Well, people do say I'm bonnie.

After Bonnie Prince Charlie's rebellion,

a law made it illegal for Scotsmen to wear kilts.

Though it said nothing about wearing dresses.

The ban remained in force until 1782.

One famous Scot who had more luck against the English was

Robert the Bruce.

OK, hit me.

I am Robert the Bruce

and this is the tale of how I defeated the English King

at the Battle of Bannockburn and won the throne of Scotland.

Isn't Scoterland part of Engerland?

-Not exactly.

-Now, where have I heard of you before?

Perhaps you've heard tales of my courage and skills in battle?

-That's it, you're the spider guy!

-The what-what guy?

Yes, you hid in a cave, watching a spider

and that inspired you to fight on.

Every time the web snapped, the spider started to build it again.

-If at first you don't succeed, try again.

-Not in the movies, honey.

No, that never actually happened, that's just a story people tell

to explain why I never gave up, no matter what.

What if he got bitten by the spider and turned into a superhero?

-Spider Guy!

-Spider Guy II!

-Now we're getting somewhere.

Enough about the spiders man, OK?

This film is about how we Scots defeated

the English King Edward in battle.

-Braveheart? I love that movie.

-Seen it, bought the facepaint.

-No, that was the other chap.

-Mel Gibson?

-William Wallace.

So, who's this clown?

I'm Robert the Bruce, King of Scotland.

William Wallace had been dead nine years

when we defeated the English at Bannockburn.

He wasn't even fighting the same King Edward.

Yes, but he won you the throne.

Aye, he won some battles, yes,

but then he was defeated and had to hide for several years.

I won my own throne.

Are you suggesting that the Hollywood film Braveheart is

not 100% historically accurate?

I think I'm going to faint.

I think we're going to go with Spider Guy.

No! I will not have it.

I will not have you take my life and make a mockery of it.

-Ye may tak our life...

-Ohh!

..but ye'll nevurr tak our FREEDOMMMMM!

-ALL:

-FREEDOM!

-Pathetic.

-Great guy. Love the Irish...

-Scottish.

-Now that Colin Farrell's going to play him...

-Colin Farrell?!

You want buy clothes?

What clothes?

This clothes.

Ugh, clothes look stupid.

Clothes latest thing. Good for keep warm.

-This winter clothes.

-Ugh!

This summer clothes.

Ooh! Clothes stinky.

Ooh, this clothes better.

Ooh, so soft.

Previous owner not finished with those clothes.

-BEAR GROWLS

-Argh!

Funny.

Yes, Stone Age man make lots of clever inven...inventons...in...

Ugh, things.

This one make hunting much easier.

Hello and welcome to Historical Top Gear.

If you want to go somewhere fast, we've got the answer because, today,

we're looking at the very latest in transportation devices -

-the horse.

-I know what you're thinking,

horses have been around for even longer than this

prehistoric presenter, but up until now,

they've been tricky to ride and almost impossible to steer.

That is until boffins in the Ukraine came up with a brand-new

piece of technology which makes it far easier to ride

on horses' backs, and here it is.

This clever piece of kit is called a bit.

A bit? They might as well have called it a thingy.

Anyway, enough chat, it's time for a test ride.

And just look at the Stig out on track. Here's how it works.

The bit works by applying pressure to the horse's lip,

so when I pull on this rein, the horse turns left

and when I pull on this rein, the horse turns right.

Clever stuff.

My horse now handles beautifully, especially on tight corners.

I can see how this Ukrainian gizmo

is really going to revolutionise hunting.

These horses are pretty powerful.

How many horsepower does one horse put out?

-Um, one.

-Woof!

Next week on Historical Top Gear in the Stone Age,

we'll be looking at how the boffins are getting on inventing the wheel.

Well, that's never going to work.

I mean, how are the going to fit it on the horses' legs?

-No idea.

-Mm.

-Well, on that bombshell, goodbye.

Today on Victorian Word Battles,

it's Charles Dickens versus Lewis Carroll.

The authors of Alice in Wonderland

and Oliver Twist going head-to-head in a word-off.

This is about to go down.

Messiness.

Mmm, burble.

Unpromisingly.

Chortle.

Fancy-dressed.

Mm, slithy, galumphing bandersnatch.

I'm sorry, actually, I let burble and chortle go,

but slithy, galumphing bandersnatch aren't real words.

Yes, they are, I just created them.

Oh, bah, humbug!

Now who's making stuff up?

Did you know, Lewis Carroll wasn't the author's real name?

His real name was Charles Dodson.

Lots of authors use a so-called pen name to write their books, hmm.

Mine's JK Rowling.

Lewis Carroll loved imagining crazy fantasy stories, whereas

Charles Dickens preferred telling stories about gritty real life.

JANGLY GUITAR MUSIC

Whoo!

# I lived a happy life till I was 10 years old

# When debt landed Dad in prison and our country house was sold

# Lodged with a lady in her London flat so cold

# Worked at a boot polish factory labelling jars, quite dull, all told

# Goodness only knows, I was a miserable so-oh-oul

# For a time I went to school, but then I found a job

# As a clerk to a lawyer, oh, it made my poor head throb

# I failed to be an actor, despite my loud gob

# Ended up reporting speeches of the Parliamentary mob

# Then as everybody knows, I started writing pro-oh-ose

# Put my life into my books Friends and enemies and crooks

# Legal bosses, up they crop In the Old Curiosity Shop

# Fagin in Oliver Twist? A factory pal - you get the gist

# And although my memory's quite foggy

# Got Scrooge from the grave of Ebenezer Scroo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oggie

# My first book was an overnight sensation

# But I drove myself too hard to enjoy the adulation

# Despite my wealth, my family begged for money

# I wrote of it in Chuzzlewit, which people said was funny

# Didn't sell like books before My family still asked for mo-oh-ore

# Little Dorrit is a tale About my dad in debtors' jail

# While Hard Times tells my life, 'bout when I tried to leave my wife

# Little Nell's death was my poor, dear, departed sister-in-law

# And David Copperfield working in a factory

# I must confess that that was really me-e-e-e-e-e-e-e

# In my life, felt shame 'bout poverty in childhood

# Wrote about sadness, suffering and fears

# Also wrote about people with funny names

# Bumble, Smallweed, Scrooge, Uriah Heep and Wackford Squeers

# Whilst writing Edwin Drood, a train crash didn't help my mood

# Still I drove myself on With readings far across the pond

# Died before I wrote Drood's end

# This sort of thing drove me round the bend

# So Dickens take a, Dickens take a bow

# And heaven knows

# I'm miserable no-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-w. #

We Greeks loved a bit of philosophy.

It's the study of the most puzzling questions in life,

like why are we here?

What is reality? And how come all philosophers are so weird?

Welcome back to Historical Come Dine With Me,

where we brought together four Ancient Greek philosophers.

Wacky mathematician Pythagoras served up some interested theorems.

A squared plus B squared equals C squared. Do you see?

That is absolute genius.

And the other thing is, that after you've died,

you come back as animals.

No, I know this because the other day I heard a dog barking

and it definitely was the voice of my friend.

Having given up all possessions and clothing,

hippy philosopher Diogenes invited everyone back to his barrel.

Yes, barrel!

Well, er, make yourselves at home, lads, this is the dining room,

the living room and the bedroom.

-Oh...

-Ooh!

-And the toilet.

-Well, that's charming.

And know-it-all biologist Aristotle

sliced up a duck, a goose, an octopus and a swan.

-Thank you.

-Sounds delicious.

Oh, I'm not cooking them.

I'm chopping them into bits, to see how their bodies work.

Hummus? Hummus?

And now it's time for greedy poet Philoxenus to host

a meal for his fellow contestants.

I do love cooking, um, well, other people's cooking.

When I'm feeling a bit peckish, what I like to do is

wander the streets until I smell something good, then

I knock on the door, go inside and join 'em at the table for dinner.

Fantastic. And cheap.

Yes, you're what we'd call a cheeky beggar.

-Be careful, yeah? That's well hot.

-Perfect. Thank you, cook.

Hang on, what do you think you're doing?

What are you doing? What are you doing?

I need to gargle with hot water, to strengthen my resistance to heat.

It seems as if Philoxenus is so greedy, he's training himself

to eat all the hot food before anyone else gets a look in.

Lovely. You will remember

to make all the food piping hot, won't you? OK.

It's time for Philoxenus to welcome his guests to a memorable feast.

But how will they get on with his piping hot food?

Argh!

Agh! Ugh! Ugh!

Ooh, looks like a bad day to give up clothes.

-Ugh! Argh!

-Scores, please.

It's a nought from Aristotle.

a nought from Pythagoras,

and from Diogenes, it's a...

PHHFFRRT!

Oh, dear, I think that might be a number two.

Queen Elizabeth I had a spy master called Francis Walsingham.

His mission - to catch Catholics plotting against the Queen.

His method - a brand-new postal service.

Want your letters and messages delivered promptly?

Want a postal service that won't let you down?

Want your personal correspondence read by a spy?

Then you need... Sorry, I just said spy, didn't I?

I just said spy.

I really shouldn't mention the whole spy thing, should I?

No. OK, let's go again, one more time.

Hi, I'm Francis Walsingham

and my new, royal approved postal service is set to transform

the way that you communicate. Now you can send your letters

and messages from any of our new postal offices.

From there, they'll be collected, sorted,

read by a spy and hand delivered to... I said it again!

The fact that I have every letter read by a spy should be a secret,

that's the point, Francis!

Sorry. Sorry, everyone. OK, let's do it.

My new postal service is 100% safe and secure,

meaning your mail definitely won't be read by spies looking for

evidence of Catholic conspiracies against Queen Elizabeth.

Hold on. Hold on. By denying we're using spies,

it's pretty clear that we are using spies, isn't it? Am I wrong?

I should probably avoid using the word spies altogether, really.

Hi, I'm Sir Francis Walsingham

and if you're looking for a safer way to get your letters

delivered, then try the new, royal approved mail service today.

We should probably change that last line.

Walsingham and his spies were very effective.

They stopped the Babington Plot

to put Mary, Queen of Scots on Elizabeth's throne.

Mary never did have much luck.

Hello and welcome to the News at When.

When? Nearly 500 years ago, when perhaps the unluckiest royal

in history started a brand-new job at a very young age.

For more details on this incredible story,

we go over to Bob Hale with the Mary, Queen of Scots Report. Bob.

Thank you, Sam. Well, the year is 1542 and a child is about to be born

who's the, wait for it, wait for it...

Yes, there she is. Mary Stuart,

daughter to James V of Scotland,

a confident king who'd ruled the Scots since he was just

one year old, and would go on ruling them until he was old and grey...

Oh, no, my mistake, he's dead,

aged just 30, leaving six-day-old Mary as the new Queen of Scotland,

a role that would almost certainly have eaten into naptime.

So various regents were brought in to run Scotland

on Mary's behalf until she was old enough to rule alone,

or at the very least, hold her own cutlery.

But she soon grows up, masters cutlery

and in a slightly unusual move for a Scottish monarch, moves to France.

Yes, seeing how nice France is,

she marries France's Prince Francis, who then becomes France's

King Francis, with whom she shares a long and happy life, filled...

Oh, no, my mistake, he's dead too.

Killed by an ear infection, which I think we can assume got quite bad.

So, Mary is ousted from France, returns to Scotland

and decides to marry her cousin this time, a certain Lord Darnley,

who, despite being as popular with the Scottish nobles

as a dust-covered cat in an allergy clinic,

enjoys a long and happy marriage... No, no, scratch that.

It seems rumours start circulating of a romance

between the married Queen and her private secretary, David Rizzio.

Luckily though, Mary completely denies these rumours, which

means that Rizzio can go on to live a long and happy life, filled...

No, didn't think so.

Yes, despite bravely hiding behind the now pregnant Queen,

Rizzio is dragged away by a mob of Lord Darnley's friends,

stabbed 56 times and thrown down some stairs,

leaving him very likely dead.

But, with Rizzio out of the picture, the way is clear for Mary

and Lord Darnley to enjoy that long and happy marriage,

which I mentioned a few short...

No, should have guessed, Darnley's dead too,

killed in a very weird explosion at his house, the sort of weird

explosion that also strangles you and dumps your body in the garden,

which, if we look at Suspicious Death-O-Meter, yes,

highly suspicious and for good reason,

because it turns out Darnley was probably murdered

by a Scottish noble called the Earl of Bothwell,

who I imagine the now-widowed Mary hates more than anyone else on...

No! My mistake, she's married him. Did not see that coming.

But marrying her dead husband's murderer does not go down well

with the Scottish people, who force Mary to hand her crown

to her baby son, James VI, and run away to England.

Luckily, Mary's cousin, Elizabeth I, welcomes her to England

with opens arms and... I cannot get a break today.

No, it seems that Elizabeth throws Mary in jail

because she's worried Mary might try and murder her and steal the English

crown, which is something that would never happen in a million years...

No, no. Come on now. Yes, there is a plot to place

Mary on Elizabeth's throne,

but that's hatched by an Italian banker called Ridolfi

and the Duke of Norfolk, so it's nothing to do with Mary herself,

who would never do anything as awful as hatch a plot

to kill her own cousin in cold... Will you please just...!

OK, yes, fine, I suppose Mary does have a hand in the next plot to kill

Elizabeth, the Babington Plot, because it's Mary's own letters

about it that leads to the plan being discovered.

But I'm sure Queen Elizabeth will react in a calm and maj...

I was joking! That was a joke. Honestly!

Elizabeth reacts to the discovery of the plot by signing Mary's death

warrant and despite a last minute wobble over whether or not to go

through with it, Elizabeth finally has Mary, Queen of Scots executed

on 8th February 1587, at which point the executioner discovers

she wears a wig, when he tries to pick her head up by the hair.

That happened! That actually happened!

It did. Ugh, honestly!

And her lips kept moving for a quarter of an hour after she died.

Well, that's an eyewitness account!

I'm telling you... Stop making the...

Right, that's it, I'm turning that off.

No, I've had enough with it.

We'll see who the clever man is now, won't we?

Probably should have turned the power off. Back to you, Sam.

Hi, welcome to Gross Designs.

I'm here in Middle Ages Romania to meet a man with a truly

awe-inspiring new design project to defend his country.

His name is Vlad III, Prince of Wallachia.

Please, my friends call me Dracula.

You're not going to bite my neck and suck out all the blood, are you?

No, I'm not vampire.

You're not some crazed killer.

Mm, well, I'm not vampire anyway.

No, Dracula means son of Dracul, the Dragon.

Dracul was my father's name, so I am Dracul-a.

Glad we've cleared that up. Why don't you tell us about your design?

So, the basic plan is to defend my country from invasion

with 20,000 sharpened wooden poles.

Vlad has been having a dispute with his neighbour,

the massive Ottoman Empire, which wants to invade his country

and conquer it, as they've done with many other countries.

Vlad's solution is to build a large fence all the way around the border.

So it's an interesting nickname you've got, Vlad the Impala.

Forgive me for saying, but you don't seem like the kind of man

who'd be named after a small gazelle.

No, no, it's Vlad the Impaler, Kevin.

The army is out there right now,

rounding up 20,000 volunteers to impale on these sharp poles.

Ugh! Like shish kebab.

HE LAUGHS

You know what the Ottomans will say when they see

the bodies of 20,000 of my own people spiked on the border?

-You're insane!

-Agh! Exactly. We'll have a little sign which says

"Welcome to Wallachia, stick around...

"and end up around a stick!" Ah-ha-ha!

They'll be too terrified to invade.

It is genius and it will work.

Has he gone?

Vlad the Impaler really did have 20,000 of his own people

impaled on stakes to scare away invaders.

It worked, too!

They thought if he'd do that to his own people, what will he do to us?

Rulers really can't get much more rotten than that. Or can they?

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# They're funny cos they're true, wooh!

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths, hope next time it's not you! #

Mmm! Um, num, num, num, that was delicious,

but I couldn't eat another thing.

Do you want a chip?

Oh, I see you've already eaten. Right, best get on. Next!

And you are?

Ivan the Terrible.

Ooh, Ivan the "Terrible"! And what's so "terrible" about you?

Hope it's not wind.

I once gouged out the eyes of two architects.

Oh, yes, and what crime had they committed?

They had built me the most beautiful church the world had ever seen,

St Basil's in Moscow, the one with the multi-coloured onion domes -

is very nice, very pretty.

And you rewarded them by gouging their eyes out.

Of course, to ensure that they never built

anything better for anybody else.

Yeah, that is quite "terrible", actually.

I once had an archbishop sewn into a bearskin

and hunted down and killed by wild dogs.

Yup. That's pretty terrible too.

I also had people buried alive, roasted on a spit,

boiled in oil and my enemies' ribs pulled out by hot pincers.

All right, mate, steady on, I've just had me lunch.

I also tipped scalding soup over my jester.

Just how bad were his jokes?

Put it this way, that was the only time he made me laugh.

I then stabbed him to death.

All right, mate, you've made your point, it's official,

you are terrible. So, come on then, let's hear it,

what terrible way did Ivan the Terrible die?

Ooh, let me guess, were you covered in honey and eaten alive by ants?

-Nyet.

-Mm, ripped apart by wild horses?

-Negative.

-Ugh. Well?

I died playing chess.

You... HE LAUGHS

The most bloodthirsty man on the planet

died playing a board game!

All right, laugh, it up, Skeletor.

Hey, who won? Or was it a dead heat?

Dead! I said a dead heat. Mmm.

I once killed my jester, remember?

I'm already dead, mate. Keep up.

Well done, you're through to the afterlife. Don't stay in touch.

See you later, crocodile.

No, it's "see you later, alligator", because it... Oh, never mind.

What's that? Yes, you're quite right.

Terrible man. Next!

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# Hope next time it's not you, whoo-oo! #

# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts

# The ugly truth... #

Can't get enough of Horrible Histories?

Then go to the CBBC website and click on the link. See you there!

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #