Browse content similar to Episode 11. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
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# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights | 0:00:04 | 0:00:07 | |
# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians | 0:00:07 | 0:00:09 | |
# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times | 0:00:09 | 0:00:12 | |
# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless | 0:00:12 | 0:00:15 | |
# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages | 0:00:15 | 0:00:18 | |
# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat | 0:00:18 | 0:00:23 | |
# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to... | 0:00:23 | 0:00:27 | |
# Horrible Histories. # | 0:00:27 | 0:00:31 | |
Woo, woo, woo. | 0:00:42 | 0:00:45 | |
Sergeant Bones, Historical Road Traffic Accident Squad. | 0:00:45 | 0:00:48 | |
I got demoted, I don't want to talk about it. | 0:00:48 | 0:00:50 | |
Major cycling incident, two people involved. | 0:00:50 | 0:00:52 | |
I'm talking into tape recorder, | 0:00:52 | 0:00:54 | |
so it doesn't look like I'm talking to self. | 0:00:54 | 0:00:56 | |
-I say. -It's pretty obvious what happened here, | 0:00:56 | 0:00:58 | |
your two bicycles crashed into each other. | 0:00:58 | 0:01:01 | |
Two bicycles? No, no, we were on a velocipede. | 0:01:01 | 0:01:05 | |
You were riding together on one bike, but there's four wheels. | 0:01:05 | 0:01:08 | |
A velocipede has four wheels. | 0:01:08 | 0:01:10 | |
I was on the passenger seat at the front. | 0:01:10 | 0:01:12 | |
Oh, yes, I see, there are two seats here, hang on a minute, what's this? | 0:01:12 | 0:01:16 | |
The drawing board. | 0:01:16 | 0:01:17 | |
We hired it from Crystal Palace, | 0:01:17 | 0:01:19 | |
they're all fitted with drawing boards there. | 0:01:19 | 0:01:21 | |
Daphne's awfully good at drawing, aren't you? | 0:01:21 | 0:01:23 | |
-Oh, Arthur. -And quick, by the look of it. | 0:01:23 | 0:01:26 | |
Hold on, there's an umbrella here. You've clearly hit a pedestrian. | 0:01:26 | 0:01:30 | |
No, that was the parasol. You can't carry an umbrella on a bicycle. | 0:01:30 | 0:01:35 | |
You mean it's fitted with a sunshade? | 0:01:35 | 0:01:37 | |
-Of course! -We don't want to get sunburned, do we? | 0:01:37 | 0:01:39 | |
A-ha. Foul play, just as I suspected. | 0:01:39 | 0:01:44 | |
Your velocipede has had its brakes removed. | 0:01:44 | 0:01:47 | |
Velocipedes don't have brakes. | 0:01:47 | 0:01:49 | |
-What? -To stop them, you have to jump off and run alongside. | 0:01:49 | 0:01:53 | |
Although crashing it into a tree does pretty much the same job. | 0:01:53 | 0:01:56 | |
You mean to tell me you ride around on this thing with four wheels, | 0:01:56 | 0:01:59 | |
two seats, a drawing board and a sunshade, but no brakes? | 0:01:59 | 0:02:03 | |
Why, yes. | 0:02:03 | 0:02:05 | |
Note to self - I quit. | 0:02:05 | 0:02:08 | |
That's it, I'm going to write that novel. | 0:02:08 | 0:02:10 | |
In Victorian times, jobs could also be very dangerous, | 0:02:12 | 0:02:15 | |
especially in the coal mines, and that wasn't just for the miners. | 0:02:15 | 0:02:19 | |
Happy birthday, Lilly. | 0:02:21 | 0:02:23 | |
Just what I always wanted. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:27 | |
My Little Pit Pony fits perfectly in the Victorian coal mine tunnel. | 0:02:30 | 0:02:34 | |
In fact, she fits so perfectly that she can't even turn around. | 0:02:34 | 0:02:37 | |
But she doesn't know, | 0:02:37 | 0:02:39 | |
she's got a big leather hat on that only let's her see straight ahead. | 0:02:39 | 0:02:42 | |
# My Little Pit Pony. # | 0:02:42 | 0:02:45 | |
Careful, Lilly, you don't want your My Little Pit Pony | 0:02:45 | 0:02:47 | |
to get hurt in a rock fall or an explosion in the mine. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:51 | |
Don't be silly, Mummy, that's just what happens to pit ponies. | 0:02:51 | 0:02:55 | |
My Little Pit Pony comes in all colours - black, | 0:02:55 | 0:02:57 | |
grey and blacky grey. | 0:02:57 | 0:02:59 | |
Mummy, can I have a pink one? | 0:02:59 | 0:03:01 | |
Well, that IS a pink one, underneath all the coaly muck. | 0:03:01 | 0:03:04 | |
My Little Pit Pony mine tunnel is sold separately | 0:03:04 | 0:03:07 | |
and comes with channels in the floor for My Little Pit Pony's feet | 0:03:07 | 0:03:10 | |
and a groove in the ceiling for My Little Pit Pony's head. | 0:03:10 | 0:03:13 | |
I love you, My Little Pit Pony. | 0:03:13 | 0:03:16 | |
Buy now, while ponies last. | 0:03:16 | 0:03:18 | |
In ancient Egypt, | 0:03:22 | 0:03:24 | |
we took great care in preparing the dead for their journey to the | 0:03:24 | 0:03:27 | |
afterlife, so there was a lot to do when organising a funeral. | 0:03:27 | 0:03:32 | |
This week on Don't Tell The Corpse, we meet Fadil, who's been | 0:03:33 | 0:03:36 | |
given the challenge of planning the funeral of his wife's relative. | 0:03:36 | 0:03:40 | |
But does she think he'll be able to pull it off? | 0:03:40 | 0:03:42 | |
I do hope Fadil thinks of everything for my | 0:03:42 | 0:03:44 | |
Uncle Amon's journey into the afterlife. | 0:03:44 | 0:03:47 | |
But he didn't like me uncle much. | 0:03:47 | 0:03:49 | |
Actually, if I'm honest, nobody liked him. | 0:03:49 | 0:03:53 | |
With no previous experience of organising funerals, | 0:03:53 | 0:03:56 | |
Fadil has enlisted the help of ancient Egyptian | 0:03:56 | 0:03:59 | |
funeral planner, Tutmos. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:01 | |
And if it's mummification you're after, | 0:04:01 | 0:04:03 | |
we've processes to suit everybody. | 0:04:03 | 0:04:04 | |
At the top end, you can have the deceased's intestines | 0:04:04 | 0:04:07 | |
removed by a professional embalmer. | 0:04:07 | 0:04:09 | |
At the bottom end, so to speak, we can dissolve their guts, | 0:04:09 | 0:04:13 | |
with the injection of Cedar oil, you know, right up the... | 0:04:13 | 0:04:16 | |
Yeah, thank you, I'd worked that out already. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:18 | |
I think we'll go with the professional embalmer. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:21 | |
Excellent choice. Sorry. | 0:04:21 | 0:04:23 | |
I don't know why I'm saying sorry, he's dead. | 0:04:23 | 0:04:25 | |
Fadil has nearly blown all his budget on embalming alone | 0:04:25 | 0:04:28 | |
and there's still loads to sort out. | 0:04:28 | 0:04:30 | |
Oh, no, Uncle Amon. I cannot believe it. | 0:04:30 | 0:04:34 | |
There, there, love, don't... Don't cry. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:36 | |
It's going to be all right. | 0:04:36 | 0:04:38 | |
That'll do, Beset. | 0:04:38 | 0:04:39 | |
-Huh? -She's one of our professional mourners. | 0:04:39 | 0:04:42 | |
You can hire them for the funeral. | 0:04:42 | 0:04:44 | |
Uncle Amon, bring him back. | 0:04:44 | 0:04:46 | |
Well, she certainly is very convincing. | 0:04:46 | 0:04:48 | |
Our professional mourners can make even the most | 0:04:48 | 0:04:50 | |
loathsome individuals seem popular. | 0:04:50 | 0:04:53 | |
-I'll take half a dozen. -Good choice. | 0:04:53 | 0:04:56 | |
With the congregation hired, Fadil must now buy items | 0:04:56 | 0:04:59 | |
to put in Uncle Amon's tomb for his journey to the afterlife. | 0:04:59 | 0:05:03 | |
Now, what do you get for the corpse who's got everything? | 0:05:03 | 0:05:05 | |
I bet he hasn't got one of these. | 0:05:05 | 0:05:07 | |
He wasn't a child. She'll kill me if I buy him a toy. | 0:05:07 | 0:05:09 | |
This is no toy. | 0:05:09 | 0:05:11 | |
This is the very latest in underworld transport. | 0:05:11 | 0:05:14 | |
In the afterlife, it turns into a full-sized boat | 0:05:14 | 0:05:16 | |
and these model slaves become real slaves, to do the hard work for you. | 0:05:16 | 0:05:20 | |
Wow! I'll take it. Right, that's that sorted. | 0:05:20 | 0:05:23 | |
And the journey is a long one, he'll be needing some food. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:26 | |
This mummified meat comes in its own coffin. | 0:05:26 | 0:05:28 | |
Oh, all right, but that's definitely it. | 0:05:28 | 0:05:30 | |
Wax hair gel. Especially made for mummies. | 0:05:30 | 0:05:32 | |
The afterlife is forever, you want your uncle to look his best. | 0:05:32 | 0:05:35 | |
I didn't like him that much, but... | 0:05:35 | 0:05:37 | |
Mummified cat, they're very popular. Ushabti dolls. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:40 | |
Musical instruments, magical bricks. | 0:05:40 | 0:05:42 | |
Finally, it's the day of the funeral. | 0:05:44 | 0:05:46 | |
But will Fadil's wife approve of his choices? | 0:05:46 | 0:05:48 | |
And will her unpopular uncle get the send-off he deserves? | 0:05:48 | 0:05:51 | |
Wow, Fadil, you've actually done a great job. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:55 | |
To think I thought Uncle Amon was really unpopular. | 0:05:55 | 0:05:58 | |
This is his burial chamber. | 0:05:58 | 0:06:00 | |
Uncle Amon had a massive, ornate burial tomb | 0:06:00 | 0:06:02 | |
made for himself over there. We're going the wrong way. | 0:06:02 | 0:06:05 | |
Oh, no, there's been a slight change of plan. | 0:06:05 | 0:06:07 | |
You see, I rather like the look of Uncle Amon's tomb, | 0:06:07 | 0:06:10 | |
so I thought we'd move him to this smaller underground hole | 0:06:10 | 0:06:14 | |
and then we can have his one when we die. | 0:06:14 | 0:06:16 | |
Uncle Amon! | 0:06:17 | 0:06:19 | |
If we steal his tomb, won't all his friends be furious? | 0:06:19 | 0:06:23 | |
Oh, no, no, that's not a problem. No, watch this! | 0:06:23 | 0:06:26 | |
OK, thanks very much, everyone, you can go now. | 0:06:26 | 0:06:29 | |
All the best. | 0:06:29 | 0:06:31 | |
Right, I see. Well, in that case, let's bung him in the hole! | 0:06:31 | 0:06:35 | |
Much of what we know about the ancient Egyptians | 0:06:41 | 0:06:44 | |
comes from their tombs and temples | 0:06:44 | 0:06:46 | |
and from the complicated hieroglyphic writing on the walls. | 0:06:46 | 0:06:51 | |
Hieroglabble, | 0:06:51 | 0:06:52 | |
it's the great new hieroglyph-based word game for all the family. | 0:06:52 | 0:06:55 | |
-Your go. -I can't go. -Why not? -I can't read hieroglyphs. | 0:06:55 | 0:06:59 | |
Me, neither and neither can virtually anyone else in ancient Egypt. | 0:06:59 | 0:07:03 | |
Hieroglabble, it's the great new ancient Egyptian word game | 0:07:03 | 0:07:06 | |
for virtually no-one except the priesthood, | 0:07:06 | 0:07:08 | |
because they're the only people who can understand hieroglyphs. | 0:07:08 | 0:07:10 | |
Your go. | 0:07:10 | 0:07:12 | |
Oh, owl, lion, basket, horned viper. 24 points, please. | 0:07:12 | 0:07:19 | |
You can't just go chucking any picture down, | 0:07:19 | 0:07:21 | |
just because it sounds like a word! | 0:07:21 | 0:07:23 | |
Have you not read the rules? | 0:07:23 | 0:07:24 | |
Warning, hieroglyph combinations will take years to learn. | 0:07:24 | 0:07:27 | |
I've done nothing but learn hieroglyphics | 0:07:27 | 0:07:29 | |
since the age of five and I end up playing with you. | 0:07:29 | 0:07:32 | |
You're a waste of time. Shove off. | 0:07:32 | 0:07:33 | |
And coming soon - new Advanced Hieroglabble, | 0:07:33 | 0:07:36 | |
with all the glyphs from the later Greco-Roman period, | 0:07:36 | 0:07:38 | |
meaning you can play with around 5,000 different tiles. | 0:07:38 | 0:07:41 | |
We're going to need a bigger board. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:43 | |
Hieroglabble, the new game from Nile Valley that almost no-one can play. | 0:07:43 | 0:07:48 | |
# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths They're funny, cos they're true | 0:07:56 | 0:08:00 | |
# Woo, stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you! # | 0:08:00 | 0:08:05 | |
Ha hee. | 0:08:05 | 0:08:06 | |
Your brain was removed through your nose. Hmm. | 0:08:06 | 0:08:10 | |
Certainly explains a lot. Next! | 0:08:10 | 0:08:13 | |
And you are? | 0:08:13 | 0:08:14 | |
Pliny the Elder - Roman Military Commander, author, | 0:08:14 | 0:08:18 | |
philosopher and naturalist. | 0:08:18 | 0:08:20 | |
I am greatly interested in natural and geographic phenomenon, so much | 0:08:20 | 0:08:26 | |
so that I've actually written my own scroll - Naturalis Historia. | 0:08:26 | 0:08:30 | |
No book plugs on my show. | 0:08:30 | 0:08:31 | |
-Available in all good scroll shops. -Hey, now! | 0:08:31 | 0:08:34 | |
Anyway, I was in charge of a Roman fleet based near the volcano, | 0:08:34 | 0:08:38 | |
Mount Vesuvius. | 0:08:38 | 0:08:40 | |
Erg! Isn't Mount Vesuvius the volcano that erupted | 0:08:40 | 0:08:43 | |
and destroyed the Roman city of Pompeii? | 0:08:43 | 0:08:45 | |
-The very same. -He shoots, he scores a goal! | 0:08:45 | 0:08:49 | |
I felt the tremors from the volcano and I took my fleet to investigate. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:54 | |
We were greeted by the most | 0:08:54 | 0:08:57 | |
spectacular sight of the volcano erupting. | 0:08:57 | 0:08:59 | |
Have you ever seen one? | 0:08:59 | 0:09:00 | |
No. But, erm, mummy here does have a bit of a temper. | 0:09:00 | 0:09:03 | |
-What? -Well, it is absolutely breathtaking. | 0:09:03 | 0:09:07 | |
I ordered my galley to evacuate the locals, | 0:09:07 | 0:09:10 | |
when I received a message from a friend of mine asking to be rescued. | 0:09:10 | 0:09:14 | |
So, I took a smaller, faster vessel, in order to try to reach | 0:09:14 | 0:09:18 | |
the shore as quickly as possible. | 0:09:18 | 0:09:20 | |
-Uh-huh. -Cinders and pumice began to rain down upon us, so much so that | 0:09:20 | 0:09:25 | |
my helmsman feared for our safety and advised us to turn around. | 0:09:25 | 0:09:29 | |
To which I said, "Fortune favours the brave." | 0:09:29 | 0:09:33 | |
Oh! I know that saying. Now who was it that said it? | 0:09:33 | 0:09:36 | |
Me. I said it. | 0:09:36 | 0:09:37 | |
Egh! You, you said it. I knew that, I did. Shh. | 0:09:37 | 0:09:41 | |
Once we were ashore, the wind became so strong that we couldn't leave. | 0:09:41 | 0:09:46 | |
And I died of toxic poisoning from the volcano fumes. | 0:09:46 | 0:09:49 | |
A-ha-ha-ha! | 0:09:49 | 0:09:53 | |
"Fortune favours the brave"? Volcanoes favour the cowardly, mate. | 0:09:53 | 0:09:58 | |
Well, yes, they do. | 0:09:58 | 0:10:00 | |
Pliny the Elder? Pliny the Plonker more like. | 0:10:00 | 0:10:03 | |
Oh, I'm on fire today. No offence. | 0:10:03 | 0:10:07 | |
You're through to the afterlife. | 0:10:07 | 0:10:09 | |
I'll just leave this here. It's a copy of my scroll - | 0:10:09 | 0:10:12 | |
Naturalist Historia. | 0:10:12 | 0:10:14 | |
Thanks, mate. | 0:10:14 | 0:10:15 | |
Now, get out, before I change my mind. | 0:10:15 | 0:10:17 | |
-All right, I'm running. -Run faster. | 0:10:17 | 0:10:19 | |
Honestly, I don't think you're the only one who's had | 0:10:19 | 0:10:22 | |
their brain removed. | 0:10:22 | 0:10:24 | |
Him, him, I was talking about him. Next! | 0:10:24 | 0:10:27 | |
# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. # | 0:10:27 | 0:10:31 | |
Hoo, hoo. | 0:10:31 | 0:10:32 | |
The answer is, A. They didn't stand a chance. | 0:10:49 | 0:10:53 | |
Real Roman gladiators were highly trained and very valuable. | 0:10:53 | 0:10:57 | |
Argh, argh. | 0:10:59 | 0:11:01 | |
Calm it down, Maximus. You calm it down. | 0:11:01 | 0:11:04 | |
-Good morning. -Morning. -Simple challenge this week. I gave you | 0:11:04 | 0:11:08 | |
a highly-trained gladiator and all you lot | 0:11:08 | 0:11:11 | |
had to do was to use him to make as much money as possible. | 0:11:11 | 0:11:14 | |
So, what was your strategy, Team Maximus? | 0:11:14 | 0:11:18 | |
-Well, Lord Sugar, what we... -Emperor Sugar. I like the sound of it. | 0:11:18 | 0:11:22 | |
Well, Emperor Sugar, knowing how valuable a trained gladiator is, | 0:11:22 | 0:11:26 | |
we made sure that Maximus fought untrained and unarmed slaves. | 0:11:26 | 0:11:30 | |
Good plan, minimise the risk of serious injury. | 0:11:30 | 0:11:33 | |
As soon as he gained a reputation for chopping people up, | 0:11:33 | 0:11:36 | |
we let him fight trained gladiators, but we made sure | 0:11:36 | 0:11:38 | |
that the wounds they inflicted on Maximus, here, were not lethal. | 0:11:38 | 0:11:42 | |
That way, we could spill plenty of blood, | 0:11:42 | 0:11:44 | |
but Maximus here lived to fight another day. | 0:11:44 | 0:11:47 | |
So, basically, Karen, your team fixed their fights? | 0:11:47 | 0:11:50 | |
-In a way, yes. -Disgraceful. I like your style. | 0:11:50 | 0:11:53 | |
Well, Maximus' reputation now guarantees sell-out crowds | 0:11:53 | 0:11:56 | |
wherever he fights, and they've also got him | 0:11:56 | 0:11:59 | |
to do some rather lucrative product endorsements. | 0:11:59 | 0:12:02 | |
-Have a look at this. -Oh, right, yeah. | 0:12:02 | 0:12:04 | |
I am Maximus Decimus Meridius, Commander of the armies | 0:12:05 | 0:12:09 | |
of the north, father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife, | 0:12:09 | 0:12:13 | |
and I will only ever wash with Jupiter's Olive Oil. | 0:12:13 | 0:12:18 | |
Hmm, so smooth. | 0:12:18 | 0:12:20 | |
No, I like it. Right, you lot, what did you do with your gladiator? | 0:12:20 | 0:12:24 | |
Our strategy was, let's think big, huh? | 0:12:24 | 0:12:27 | |
Yeah, we wanted to put on a real spectacle for the crowds, | 0:12:27 | 0:12:30 | |
man versus beast. | 0:12:30 | 0:12:32 | |
So, our gladiator versus a tiger. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:35 | |
-Yeah, and how did that work out for you? -We sold out the arena, Sir. | 0:12:35 | 0:12:38 | |
And what happened to the gladiator? | 0:12:38 | 0:12:40 | |
Oh, he's right here. | 0:12:40 | 0:12:42 | |
Well, what's left of him, anyway. | 0:12:42 | 0:12:44 | |
Are you having a giraffe? | 0:12:44 | 0:12:45 | |
Can I just say that man versus beast was actually his idea? | 0:12:45 | 0:12:48 | |
Yeah, I didn't mean a tiger, did I? I meant like a badger or something. | 0:12:48 | 0:12:51 | |
-You never said badger. -Well, you should have... | 0:12:51 | 0:12:53 | |
All right, all right, shut it, all right? | 0:12:53 | 0:12:55 | |
The only person I want to hear talking right now is me. | 0:12:55 | 0:12:58 | |
I like the sound of me own voice. So, let me get this straight, | 0:12:58 | 0:13:00 | |
you took a very expensive gladiator and got him | 0:13:00 | 0:13:03 | |
killed in his first arena fight? | 0:13:03 | 0:13:05 | |
-Not only that, but they also failed to sell his blood. -You what? | 0:13:05 | 0:13:09 | |
Gladiator blood is a well-known Roman medicine, thought to | 0:13:09 | 0:13:11 | |
cure epilepsy, and they could have sold it for a tidy profit. | 0:13:11 | 0:13:14 | |
Team Maximus, on the other hand, | 0:13:14 | 0:13:16 | |
have been bottling their gladiator's sweat. | 0:13:16 | 0:13:19 | |
-Romans believed it made you young and powerful? -You should try some. | 0:13:19 | 0:13:22 | |
Do I look like I need any of that stuff? | 0:13:22 | 0:13:24 | |
You should give some to Nick, he needs it. | 0:13:24 | 0:13:26 | |
I've heard enough, Team Maximus you've created | 0:13:26 | 0:13:28 | |
a hugely profitable one-man industry, whereas Team Minimus here, | 0:13:28 | 0:13:32 | |
all you've got left is a dead gladiator and a tiger with | 0:13:32 | 0:13:35 | |
the runs. It doesn't take a genius to work out what I'm going to say. | 0:13:35 | 0:13:39 | |
Team Minimus. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:41 | |
You're fired. Team Maximus, congratulations, | 0:13:41 | 0:13:44 | |
you've got yourself two ringside seats to the next Gladiator Games, | 0:13:44 | 0:13:49 | |
where you'll get to see Maximus here decimate these two idiots. | 0:13:49 | 0:13:53 | |
-Ergh. -In fact, do you know what? Let's just do it now. | 0:13:53 | 0:13:55 | |
Maximus, get them. | 0:13:55 | 0:13:57 | |
Oh, it's exciting. | 0:14:00 | 0:14:01 | |
-I love a blood sport, don't you Karen? -Absolutely. | 0:14:01 | 0:14:05 | |
It's true! Roman Gladiators were very famous | 0:14:05 | 0:14:08 | |
and were often used to advertise products. | 0:14:08 | 0:14:11 | |
In many ways, Gladiators were the footballers of their day. | 0:14:11 | 0:14:15 | |
Although, they'd only roll about on the floor screaming | 0:14:15 | 0:14:18 | |
if they'd had their leg ripped off by a tiger. | 0:14:18 | 0:14:20 | |
In Georgian times, our jails were | 0:14:26 | 0:14:27 | |
so overcrowded we decided to ship the smelly convicts far, far away. | 0:14:27 | 0:14:32 | |
But setting up a colony in Australia - | 0:14:32 | 0:14:35 | |
that turned out to be rather hard work. | 0:14:35 | 0:14:37 | |
As you know, Finch, when we landed our ships, we only carry enough food | 0:14:39 | 0:14:43 | |
to provide for us until we can start to farm the land. How's that going? | 0:14:43 | 0:14:47 | |
Not good, Sir, and we really should | 0:14:47 | 0:14:49 | |
have bought more skilled farmers and livestock. | 0:14:49 | 0:14:51 | |
We've got to sort this out, man. | 0:14:51 | 0:14:53 | |
Without food supplies, more people are going to die. | 0:14:53 | 0:14:56 | |
Hmm. | 0:14:56 | 0:14:57 | |
My point exactly. | 0:14:58 | 0:15:00 | |
Well, I suppose no-one said setting up Australia's first ever | 0:15:00 | 0:15:03 | |
British Colony was going to be easy. | 0:15:03 | 0:15:06 | |
Still, I'm sure the second fleet will show up any day now, | 0:15:06 | 0:15:09 | |
stuffed to the gunnels with supplies. Nom, nom, nom. | 0:15:09 | 0:15:11 | |
-Governor Philip? -Yes. -Captain Hill, second fleet. | 0:15:15 | 0:15:18 | |
BOTH: Boy, am I glad to see you. | 0:15:18 | 0:15:20 | |
BOTH: I'm afraid conditions are rather dire. | 0:15:22 | 0:15:24 | |
BOTH: Well, we've had it worse. We've lost half our people to disease. | 0:15:26 | 0:15:30 | |
BOTH: What? You, too? | 0:15:30 | 0:15:32 | |
BOTH: Then there's the lice and the starvation. | 0:15:32 | 0:15:35 | |
BOTH: But we thought you'd be our salvation. Us? | 0:15:35 | 0:15:39 | |
BOTH: No, we thought you would. Well, what are we going to do? | 0:15:39 | 0:15:42 | |
I guess we'll just have to wait for the third fleet. | 0:15:44 | 0:15:46 | |
I was just going to say that. How weird. | 0:15:46 | 0:15:50 | |
Yeah. | 0:15:50 | 0:15:51 | |
The long journey to Australia was tough going | 0:15:51 | 0:15:54 | |
and conditions on board ship were disgusting. | 0:15:54 | 0:15:58 | |
So, the rats must have loved it! Ha-ha-ha-ha! | 0:15:58 | 0:16:01 | |
And things got even worse when you arrived. | 0:16:02 | 0:16:05 | |
Oh, yes, in Georgian times, you really | 0:16:05 | 0:16:08 | |
wouldn't want to go Down Under. | 0:16:08 | 0:16:09 | |
# In Britain's Georgian times There were so many crimes | 0:16:18 | 0:16:22 | |
# No time to hang each crook guilty of a felony | 0:16:22 | 0:16:26 | |
# Cos there's no room to jail you They'd send you to Australia | 0:16:26 | 0:16:29 | |
# To live in our new-fangled penal colony | 0:16:29 | 0:16:33 | |
# Think that sounds like heaven? | 0:16:33 | 0:16:35 | |
# In 1787, it wasn't that kind of "once in a lifetime" trip | 0:16:35 | 0:16:41 | |
# First fleet took the journey Months at sea so churny | 0:16:41 | 0:16:45 | |
# Over 40 died while they were on the ship | 0:16:45 | 0:16:49 | |
# Those that lived were plucky Plucky, plucky, plucky | 0:16:49 | 0:16:53 | |
# Crammed on board with rats and vermin, cockroaches in bed | 0:16:53 | 0:16:56 | |
# Stench inside was sicky Yucky, yucky, icky | 0:16:56 | 0:17:00 | |
# Lice not very nice, can't get them out of my head | 0:17:00 | 0:17:04 | |
# Landed Bay of Botany Convicts' life was rotteny | 0:17:04 | 0:17:07 | |
# Needed food and shelter but everything failed | 0:17:07 | 0:17:12 | |
# Trees too strong for felling | 0:17:12 | 0:17:13 | |
# Stagnant water smelling | 0:17:13 | 0:17:15 | |
# A real step back in time in New South Wales | 0:17:15 | 0:17:19 | |
# Soil too poor for budding Huts washed up by flooding | 0:17:19 | 0:17:23 | |
# Plans for building houses came to sticky ends | 0:17:23 | 0:17:27 | |
# The best of all their labours Attacked by local neighbours | 0:17:27 | 0:17:30 | |
# And that is when your neighbours don't become good friends | 0:17:30 | 0:17:34 | |
# Situation tricky Tricky, tricky, tricky | 0:17:34 | 0:17:38 | |
# Then a second fleet of ships was due aground | 0:17:38 | 0:17:42 | |
# Some thought this was lucky But illness had strucky | 0:17:42 | 0:17:46 | |
# Half were dead or ill Fever was spinning around | 0:17:46 | 0:17:50 | |
# After seven years Convict record clears | 0:17:50 | 0:17:53 | |
# Just one catch You got to pay your own way back. | 0:17:53 | 0:17:57 | |
# No wages meant no money No choice, but what's funny | 0:17:57 | 0:18:01 | |
# Many stayed, became farmers and made a stack | 0:18:01 | 0:18:05 | |
# Original arrivers Proved hardy survivors | 0:18:05 | 0:18:09 | |
# Sydney turned into a place you'd choose to go | 0:18:09 | 0:18:13 | |
# Think that they'd be fairer To convicts who were sent there? | 0:18:13 | 0:18:16 | |
# No way - they built prisons even more remote | 0:18:16 | 0:18:20 | |
# Port Arthur was one of the jails Where every escape attempt fails | 0:18:20 | 0:18:28 | |
# Was one man who nearly got through Billy Hunt dressed as a kangaroo | 0:18:28 | 0:18:35 | |
# Inmate's life still sucky Sucky, sucky, sucky | 0:18:35 | 0:18:39 | |
# Life behind bars was not very nice | 0:18:39 | 0:18:43 | |
# Hideous and messy Who would ever guessy | 0:18:43 | 0:18:47 | |
# This hellhole would become a... # | 0:18:47 | 0:18:49 | |
Holiday paradise? | 0:18:49 | 0:18:51 | |
Back from Munich. Very nice currywurst. | 0:19:08 | 0:19:12 | |
Oh, and good meeting with Hitler. | 0:19:12 | 0:19:15 | |
I think it's 'peace for our time'. | 0:19:15 | 0:19:19 | |
Just send that. | 0:19:19 | 0:19:21 | |
Oh, responses already. "Well done". | 0:19:21 | 0:19:24 | |
"Wonderful news". | 0:19:24 | 0:19:26 | |
Hmm, Winston Churchill. | 0:19:26 | 0:19:27 | |
I bet he wants to congratulate me, as well. | 0:19:27 | 0:19:30 | |
Have you taken leave of your senses? | 0:19:30 | 0:19:33 | |
Hello. I think you'll find I've just averted another world war. | 0:19:33 | 0:19:38 | |
Hitler has signed this piece of paper saying that if we let him have | 0:19:38 | 0:19:41 | |
the Sudetenland, he promises not to expand into any other countries. | 0:19:41 | 0:19:46 | |
You can't trust Adolf Hitler. He's already forced Austria | 0:19:46 | 0:19:49 | |
to unify with Germany, plus he has a ridiculous moustache. | 0:19:49 | 0:19:54 | |
Hitler says no-one wants another world war, not even Germany. | 0:19:54 | 0:19:58 | |
I mean, they lost the first one. | 0:19:58 | 0:19:59 | |
And it's not as if it's best of three, is it? | 0:19:59 | 0:20:02 | |
Appeasement is the right choice. | 0:20:02 | 0:20:04 | |
War is the right choice. | 0:20:04 | 0:20:07 | |
Hitler is planning an invasion, mark my words. | 0:20:07 | 0:20:10 | |
Whatever. | 0:20:10 | 0:20:12 | |
Oh, what's this? | 0:20:12 | 0:20:14 | |
Invasion advisor review of Czechoslovakia by A.Hitler33. | 0:20:14 | 0:20:22 | |
Slightly worrying. | 0:20:22 | 0:20:23 | |
"Delighted we chose to invade this beautiful | 0:20:23 | 0:20:26 | |
"and politically unstable country. | 0:20:26 | 0:20:29 | |
"Definitely worth invading, if you're in the area." | 0:20:29 | 0:20:33 | |
Oh! No need to panic, Neville, | 0:20:33 | 0:20:35 | |
a lot of these invasion advisor reviews are fake. | 0:20:35 | 0:20:37 | |
Still, better just check who's on our side, just in case. | 0:20:37 | 0:20:41 | |
Good, good. | 0:20:42 | 0:20:45 | |
What?! Nazi Germany has allied itself with fascist Italy? | 0:20:45 | 0:20:51 | |
Oh, no, better make some more allies quick. | 0:20:51 | 0:20:54 | |
Ah! Poland, perfect. We'll agree to protect them. | 0:20:54 | 0:20:58 | |
Maybe in the future they'll repay us with reasonably-priced builders. | 0:20:58 | 0:21:03 | |
Oh, not again. | 0:21:03 | 0:21:05 | |
Do... Don't say it. | 0:21:05 | 0:21:07 | |
-Told you so. -Look, I'm strengthening our alliances. | 0:21:07 | 0:21:11 | |
I've already got Poland. I'm waiting for Russia to, er... | 0:21:11 | 0:21:14 | |
What? "We're not getting involved." | 0:21:14 | 0:21:18 | |
-Oh, dear. -What's the problem with that? | 0:21:18 | 0:21:20 | |
Well, it means that Germany doesn't have to defend its Russian border. | 0:21:20 | 0:21:24 | |
They can throw all of their troops in our direction. | 0:21:24 | 0:21:27 | |
What are you doing? | 0:21:27 | 0:21:28 | |
Erm, nothing, nothing, look, Hitler promised. | 0:21:28 | 0:21:31 | |
There's no way he's going to... | 0:21:31 | 0:21:32 | |
Invade our new ally Poland? | 0:21:32 | 0:21:35 | |
By golly, this fellow's so hard not to declare war against. | 0:21:35 | 0:21:40 | |
You were given the choice between war and dishonour. | 0:21:40 | 0:21:43 | |
You chose dishonour and you will have war. | 0:21:43 | 0:21:47 | |
I think I preferred, "I told you so". | 0:21:47 | 0:21:49 | |
Ah, war. | 0:21:52 | 0:21:54 | |
"Are you sure?" Yes. | 0:21:54 | 0:21:56 | |
"Are you sure you're sure?" Yes. | 0:21:56 | 0:21:59 | |
What you need now is a canny politician. | 0:21:59 | 0:22:02 | |
One who was in the War Cabinet during the First World War | 0:22:02 | 0:22:05 | |
and has the top score on Minesweeper in the Foreign Office. | 0:22:05 | 0:22:09 | |
-Me! -OK, Winston, I'll make you First Lord of the Admiralty. | 0:22:09 | 0:22:14 | |
I thought you'd never ask. | 0:22:14 | 0:22:15 | |
Budge up. Oh! | 0:22:17 | 0:22:19 | |
It's the latest House of Commons opinion poll. | 0:22:19 | 0:22:22 | |
Do you still support Chamberlain? | 0:22:22 | 0:22:26 | |
Oh. Do you want to be Prime Minister, then? | 0:22:26 | 0:22:29 | |
Yes, please. | 0:22:29 | 0:22:31 | |
You still here? | 0:22:32 | 0:22:35 | |
And fetch me a cigar. In fact, make it two. | 0:22:35 | 0:22:38 | |
Oh, I like it. Might come in useful one day. | 0:22:39 | 0:22:42 | |
Churchill may have been one of Britain's best wartime leaders, | 0:22:43 | 0:22:47 | |
but he was also very witty. | 0:22:47 | 0:22:49 | |
Take a look at some of his funniest jokes. | 0:22:49 | 0:22:51 | |
At ease. | 0:22:51 | 0:22:52 | |
'Out now on DVD, it's Britain's Wittiest Man.' | 0:22:52 | 0:22:55 | |
'It's Prime Minister Winston Churchill.' | 0:22:55 | 0:22:58 | |
'Yes, really.' | 0:22:58 | 0:22:59 | |
A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails | 0:22:59 | 0:23:03 | |
and then asks you not to kill him. | 0:23:03 | 0:23:06 | |
'Britain's wartime genius is also a comedy genius.' | 0:23:06 | 0:23:08 | |
Eating my own words has never given me indigestion. | 0:23:08 | 0:23:12 | |
'Featuring all the legendary quips of the' | 0:23:12 | 0:23:15 | |
'original master of the one liner.' | 0:23:15 | 0:23:17 | |
I'm just preparing my impromptu remarks. | 0:23:17 | 0:23:20 | |
'Enjoy the King Of The Put Down in action!' | 0:23:20 | 0:23:22 | |
My baby looks like you. | 0:23:22 | 0:23:24 | |
All babies look like me. | 0:23:24 | 0:23:26 | |
Sir, you are drunk. | 0:23:26 | 0:23:27 | |
Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober. | 0:23:27 | 0:23:32 | |
Get off, you're rubbish. | 0:23:32 | 0:23:34 | |
Stop interrupting me while I'm interrupting you. | 0:23:34 | 0:23:38 | |
I'm here all week, then I'm in my bunker. | 0:23:38 | 0:23:40 | |
'Yes, it's Britain's favourite sit down stand-up.' | 0:23:40 | 0:23:43 | |
Why stand when you can sit? | 0:23:43 | 0:23:45 | |
'Out now, priced 2 shillings and sixpence and two rationing coupons.' | 0:23:45 | 0:23:49 | |
When the Normans conquered England, let's just say | 0:23:55 | 0:23:58 | |
they didn't always see eye to eye with the locals. | 0:23:58 | 0:24:01 | |
I'm out of here, argh! | 0:24:01 | 0:24:03 | |
Welcome to Great Historical Country Walks. | 0:24:03 | 0:24:06 | |
Today, we'll be taking a gentle stroll through | 0:24:06 | 0:24:08 | |
the Northern English countryside of 1070 - | 0:24:08 | 0:24:11 | |
a period made famous for the Harrowing of the North - | 0:24:11 | 0:24:15 | |
a lovely-sounding thing, which I imagine | 0:24:15 | 0:24:17 | |
has something to do with farming. | 0:24:17 | 0:24:19 | |
Just look at the beautiful, rolling hills, | 0:24:19 | 0:24:21 | |
the lush, green pastures and just around the corner, | 0:24:21 | 0:24:25 | |
the picturesque medieval Yorkshire village... | 0:24:25 | 0:24:28 | |
I think we might have taken a wrong turn. | 0:24:30 | 0:24:32 | |
Erm, left at the tree, right at the river. | 0:24:32 | 0:24:35 | |
No, this seems to be the right place. It's just strange. | 0:24:35 | 0:24:37 | |
There's supposed to be a village of 200 people here. | 0:24:37 | 0:24:40 | |
Erm, let's just go and ask this local. | 0:24:40 | 0:24:42 | |
Excuse me, I'm looking for Winthorpe. | 0:24:42 | 0:24:44 | |
The Normans, they killed everybody. Destroyed the village. | 0:24:44 | 0:24:49 | |
Oh, dear me, erm... We'd best press on to York. | 0:24:49 | 0:24:53 | |
Could you point that out to me, please? | 0:24:53 | 0:24:55 | |
Right, so York is over there, by that massive bonfire. | 0:24:55 | 0:25:00 | |
Actually, I think York IS that massive bonfire. | 0:25:00 | 0:25:03 | |
-Argh, the Normans are coming! -They've destroyed the town! | 0:25:03 | 0:25:07 | |
-They're killing everyone. -They're completely harrowing the place. | 0:25:07 | 0:25:10 | |
Argh! | 0:25:10 | 0:25:12 | |
So, that's what harrowing means. | 0:25:12 | 0:25:14 | |
Erm, that's all from Great Historical Country Walks. | 0:25:14 | 0:25:17 | |
Time for Great Historical Country Runs. | 0:25:17 | 0:25:22 | |
When Northern earls rebelled against William the Conqueror, | 0:25:22 | 0:25:25 | |
he took his revenge. | 0:25:25 | 0:25:27 | |
He destroyed much of the North | 0:25:27 | 0:25:29 | |
and was responsible for the deaths of over 100,000 people. | 0:25:29 | 0:25:33 | |
It was called The Harrowing of the North. | 0:25:33 | 0:25:36 | |
The ground was also sown with salt so nothing would grow, | 0:25:36 | 0:25:40 | |
which was called The Harrowing of the Slugs. | 0:25:40 | 0:25:43 | |
Ha-ha-ha! | 0:25:43 | 0:25:45 | |
No wonder Saxons were desperate to fit in with their new Norman rulers. | 0:25:45 | 0:25:49 | |
Well, this is, erm, tres pleasant. | 0:25:51 | 0:25:55 | |
This is fabulous food. | 0:25:56 | 0:25:58 | |
Erm, any chance you could pass the cow? | 0:25:58 | 0:26:01 | |
Oh, non, non, non. Cows are dirty things with udders. | 0:26:01 | 0:26:05 | |
What we're eating here is boeuf. Isn't that right, Cheri? | 0:26:05 | 0:26:10 | |
-Whatever. -Any chance you could pass the boeuf? | 0:26:10 | 0:26:14 | |
Bravo. | 0:26:14 | 0:26:16 | |
-Thank you, Mary. -Oh, Marie. | 0:26:16 | 0:26:19 | |
Oh, OK. | 0:26:19 | 0:26:21 | |
Is there any more of the pig? | 0:26:21 | 0:26:23 | |
Oh, really, Lawrence, zut alors! | 0:26:23 | 0:26:25 | |
Do please excuse my husband's Anglo Saxon. It's pork. | 0:26:25 | 0:26:29 | |
-Since when? -Since 1066, when William the Conqueror invaded England | 0:26:29 | 0:26:34 | |
and we educated people, started talking French, or rather, | 0:26:34 | 0:26:39 | |
slipping the odd word, or should I say, mot, in here and there, | 0:26:39 | 0:26:44 | |
just to show we're not complete peasants. | 0:26:44 | 0:26:48 | |
Or churls, as Lawrence still insists on calling them. | 0:26:48 | 0:26:51 | |
Well, we both think it's a fabulous idea to, erm, | 0:26:51 | 0:26:55 | |
impresse the new Francais, don't we, Jerry? | 0:26:55 | 0:26:59 | |
Oh, yes, we certainly do. | 0:26:59 | 0:27:01 | |
Any chance you could pass the mouton? | 0:27:01 | 0:27:04 | |
Bravo encore. | 0:27:04 | 0:27:07 | |
That's the sheep. | 0:27:07 | 0:27:08 | |
Do you always have to embarrasse me? | 0:27:08 | 0:27:11 | |
-You what? -It's pardon. | 0:27:11 | 0:27:14 | |
Does anyone else need a drink? | 0:27:14 | 0:27:15 | |
Oh, could you not at least try and say beverage? | 0:27:15 | 0:27:19 | |
No, I couldn't, Mary, because I'm an Anglo Saxon. | 0:27:19 | 0:27:22 | |
I eat food, not dinner. | 0:27:22 | 0:27:24 | |
And I hunt, I don't chase. | 0:27:24 | 0:27:26 | |
And when I break wind. | 0:27:26 | 0:27:27 | |
HE FARTS | 0:27:27 | 0:27:29 | |
-Oh! -It makes a smell, not an odour. | 0:27:29 | 0:27:32 | |
-Oh, Lawrence. -Well, listen, I think we'd best beat the traffic, erm... | 0:27:32 | 0:27:36 | |
Oh, no, oh, please don't departe. | 0:27:36 | 0:27:40 | |
But you haven't had any pudding, I mean, dessert! | 0:27:40 | 0:27:43 | |
Oh, well, thanks a lot! | 0:27:43 | 0:27:46 | |
Mon pleasure, Cheri. | 0:27:48 | 0:27:50 | |
# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts. # | 0:27:51 | 0:27:55 | |
Can't get enough of Horrible Histories? | 0:27:55 | 0:27:57 | |
Then go to the CBBC website and click on the link. | 0:27:57 | 0:28:01 | |
See you there. | 0:28:01 | 0:28:03 | |
# The past is no longer a mystery | 0:28:03 | 0:28:04 | |
# Hope you enjoyed... # | 0:28:04 | 0:28:07 | |
Horrible Histories. | 0:28:07 | 0:28:10 |