Episode 6 Horrible Histories


Episode 6

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# Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians, Slimy Stuarts

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# Vile Victorians, Woeful Wars Ferocious Fights, Dingy Castles

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# Daring Knights, Horrors that defy description, Cut-throat Celts

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# Awful Egyptians Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crimes

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# Punishment from ancient times Roman, rotten, rank and ruthless

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# Cavemen Savage, fierce and toothless, Groovy Greeks

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# Brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

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# Gory Stories, we do that

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# And your host's a talking rat

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# The past is no longer a mystery

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# Welcome to Horrible Histories. #

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Queen Victoria's Coronation was a truly grand occasion,

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as you'd expect,

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but there were a few hiccups. Good day.

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You join us on the splendid summer's

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day in 1838 in London's Westminster Abbey, to celebrate

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the Coronation of our new Queen Victoria, at the tender age of 18.

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Now, the ring.

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The Archbishop now moves to place the Coronation ring

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on Victoria's finger.

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Ow! That's the wrong finger.

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Sorry.

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Oh dear! The ring would seem to be well and truly stuck.

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Ow! Archbishop, you're hurting me. Ow!

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Terribly sorry.

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And now, with the ring on the right finger,

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Victoria receives the Royal Crown.

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I now pronounce you Queen of the United Kingdom of Great Britain

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and Ireland,

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the Duke of Lancaster and the Duke of Cornwall.

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-Really?

-That's what it says here.

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And next, in accordance with the great traditions of the land,

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it's time for the British lords to touch the new Queen's crown.

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Congratulations, Ma'am.

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Thank you. Now, get lost.

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And coming up the stairs, it's 82-year-old Lord Rolle.

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Congratulations, Ma'am. Ooh!

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And there goes Lord Rolle, rolling down the stairs.

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And now, as is customary, the Queen's Treasurer scatters gold

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and silver medals amongst the lordly congregation.

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Ow!

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Touching scenes, indeed.

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One is most terribly amused.

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As a child, Victoria suffered from episcophobia, a fear of bishops.

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Just as well she got over it before she was crowned

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or her coronation would have been even sillier.

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"Oh, help, it's a bishop! Oh, help, it's a bishop! Ooooh!"

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"Calm, calm, calm, dear!"

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In 1840, Victoria married Prince Albert,

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and he wasn't a very popular choice. Oh no.

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HE SMIRKS

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Cedric, look. Have you ever seen anything

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so ridiculous in your entire life?

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Oh my giddy aunt! Don't these people have mirrors?

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And he's married to the Queen!

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Maybe moustaches are big in Germany.

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Well, they're certainly not over here.

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And he wonders why he's so unpopular with the British public,

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wandering around with that ludicrous bogey buffer

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stretched across his face.

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Oh look! Army types. They're always up for a laugh. Come on.

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I say, chaps! Have you seen Prince Albert's ludicrous moustaaaah...

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I beg your pardon?

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I said, hoooowww ahhhh you?

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No, you didn't. Do I look like an idiot to you?

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A little bit. Around the lips.

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Sort of. And this area here, sort of thing.

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For your information, gentleman,

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moustache is the very height of fashion.

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THEY LAUGH

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Clearly, you chaps haven't been involved in the Crimean campaign.

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Skin infections caused by razor cuts had our soldiers

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dropping like flies over there, so us officers stopped shaving,

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grew our facial hair. Soon, the men followed suit,

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and now we're back here, the craze is spreading like wildfire.

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You were saying?

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Dear Cedric, it would appear that you

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and I are, suddenly, deeply unfashionable.

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Speak for yourself, mate.

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Gentlemen...

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Hi, I'm a shouty man and I'm here to tell you about New Roman Dog,

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the cuddly companion who puts the fur into multifurpose.

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Do you have a wart?

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Oh! I'll take that as a "yes".

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But don't worry. Help is at paw.

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Simply mix some wee-wee from New Roman Dog with some mud,

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apply to the affected abomination

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and your wart will disappear,

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meaning urine great shape. I made a joke with words!

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It's still there.

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It's only a little dog, mate.

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And if your affliction is more serious than a wart,

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then Roman Dog is here to help.

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An all-over body rub down with a puppy is the perfect canine cure

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for all manner of illness.

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Feeling better, love?

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Actually, I do feel a bit better for that.

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That's because Gavin here has cured you.

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Oh, that's wonderful...

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SHE COUGHS

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And New Roman Dog doesn't stop at curing illness.

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Oh no! He'll also howl, if someone has died.

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SHE COUGHS

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HE HOWLS

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Either you cured her or you didn't, Gavin. You can't have it both ways.

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HE PRETENDS TO CRY

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And even when your doggy dies,

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he's still as useful as ever.

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In fact, the gall bladder of a black dog is a valued

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ingredient in all sorts of magic.

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Mystical spirits, bring my dog back to life!

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HE SIGHS

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Probably shouldn't have taken his gall bladder out.

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And the blood from New Roman Dog placed under

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the threshold of your house will keep away evil spirits.

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Wooooh!

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Sorry, mate. We've got dog's blood! Try next door.

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See?

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So get your New Roman Dog today.

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You'd be barking mad not to.

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And don't worry, the dog's fine. Never leave me, Gavin!

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Romans also believed that, if you'd been bitten by a mad dog,

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you could be cured by using the hair of the dog that bit you.

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Though just how you're meant to get a hair off the mad dog

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without getting bitten again is anyone's guess.

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Yes, those Romans believed in some pretty crazy cures.

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Ah! Come in.

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Thank you.

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I seek the wisdom of the wisest Roman of all, Marcus Porcius Cato,

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revered soldier, esteemed statesman and venerated thinker.

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And cabbage farmer. What's the problem?

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Well, I'm looking for a cure for my ill son.

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Mm, yes. He does look a bit peaky.

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Yes, his glands are up around his neck.

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Well, you know what's good for that don't you? A cabbage.

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Get that down you, boy. That'll soon stop the swelling.

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Ah, see, I'm not sure that's going to work.

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Oh, it looks like he's got the sweats, too.

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Cabbage should cool him down.

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Ah! Actually, I'm not sure...

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Best thing for it. Ah!

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Do you know, I don't think this was actually a very good idea?

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Ooh! Has he got a rash on his neck?

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To get rid of that, take one cabbage after every meal.

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Breakfast,

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lunch,

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dinner.

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And one before you go to bed. Help you get off to sleep.

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Everyone knows that cabbages are good for insomnia.

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I think we're actually going to leave it there.

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Ooh, hey now!

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Are you casting doubt on the wonder drug powers of the cabbage?

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Yes, I am.

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And I think all of the great medics of Rome would share that opinion.

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Well, they're idiots!

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And in the case of my son, we were strongly advised against cabbages.

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Why in Jupiter's name would they do that?

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He's allergic.

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To cabbages.

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I think I have a cure for that.

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SHE SIGHS

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Soup.

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Hot cabbage soup.

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I'll go and make us up a pot.

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Ooh! You dropped one.

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Yeah, sorry about that. It's all the cabbages I've been eating.

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The answer is B.

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They stayed in the dining room

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and weed in a potty, while still joining in the conversation.

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Yes, Georgian dinner parties really could be pretty strange.

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Previously on Georgian Come Dine With Me...

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George III served up a plate of branches...

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Welcome to my dining room. Now, who wants a steak from my beef tree?

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Oh! Of all the fathers in all the world, he had to be mine.

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Friend of the Prince Regent and famous dandy, Beau Brummel,

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didn't have time to serve anything at all, but looked absolutely

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gorgeous after taking his usual five hours to get dressed.

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Ta-dah! Oh!

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I don't believe it!

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One of my cuffs is a millimetre longer than the other!

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Do you chaps mind if I change?

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-ALL: Yes!

-Oh!

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And famous traveller, surgeon and entrepreneur, Dean Mahomet,

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brought the others to the first-ever Indian restaurant in London,

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where they experienced a rare treat called curry.

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I fear the taste may be a little strong for the British palate.

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It's unlikely to find many fans over here.

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Are you going to finish that?

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It's day four, and with his guests on the way, the Prince Regent

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and future George IV heads down to the kitchen.

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But he's got some bad news for his chef.

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Basically, everyone's favourite Prince is horribly in debt,

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so tonight, if you could just give us the absolute basic minimum.

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-OK.

-60 courses of the finest European cuisine.

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Got to tighten one's belt while the money's short.

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And Dad's still got control of the royal purse.

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Knowing my luck, he's probably eaten it.

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George's personal cook is celebrity chef, Antonin Careme,

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the man who invented haute cuisine.

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Yes, Antonin's worked for all the greats -

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me, Napoleon, The Tsar of Russia...

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and me.

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Good food can be very simple. Take my vol-au-vents.

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Don't mind if I do.

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Breadcrumbs, mushrooms, nutmeg, cream, lobster tails,

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chicken jellies, calves' udders, lambs' glands, sheep's brain.

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Yes, what simple dish isn't complete without a bit of sheep's brain?

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Don't think George likes it.

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The Prince Regent's guests have arrived and are ready to eat,

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although King George is having trouble

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parking his invisible kangaroo.

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Woo-hoo, kangaroo! Down, boy!

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As usual, the meal is served a la Francaise, which means

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put everything on the table and grab whatever you possibly can.

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Oi! Save some for me!

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Chillax, George! There are 60 courses.

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Time for those all-important scores.

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It's a stylish seven from Beau Brummel...

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The food was awful.

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..but as he'll be needing help from the Prince Regent to open

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a bath house in Brighton, Dean Mahomet's given him a ten.

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Waah!

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And it's a chicken from George III,

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meaning the winner of the £1,000 is...

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It's me! I won! Yes! Get in, so much!

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Yes, I can finally start paying off my debts!

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Oh, thank you. I promise to use this money responsibly.

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Or we can all go for supper,

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on me!

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Dean Mahomet opened some steam baths in Brighton, where he

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treated people for all sorts of ailments, using herbs and vapours.

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He even treated George IV.

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He was known as a pooing surgeon.

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No, no, wait a minute. Sorry, that's not right, is it?

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I meant to say shampooing surgeon.

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HE LAUGHS

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Actually, shall we just take that again?

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Alexander the Great of Macedonia really didn't hang around.

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By the age of 22, he'd conquered virtually the whole of Greece.

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But he just couldn't stop expanding his empire.

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Some people are never happy!

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'Are you fed up, now you've finished

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'Alexander's Conquest of Greece board game?

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'Why stop there?

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'Keep adding to your Empire, with the all-new Persia Expansion.'

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The new Persia Expansion game is awesome!

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I'm going to fight an army of one million men.

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A million, it sounds a bit hard.

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Yes! Eat my army! I've conquered Persia - game over!

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ALL: Oh, no.

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Wait a minute, guys, the game's not over yet.

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'That's right-er.

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'Just when you think you can pack up and go home,

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'you'll be made to play Alexander's new conquest.

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'The Egypt Expansion Board.'

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Are you sure? It's just, it's getting late.

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Yeah, maybe we should quit, while it's still fun.

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Well, I'm having fun! And it's MY game.

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Y-yes, fun game!

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Yay!

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Oh, look! I've just conquered Egypt.

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Oh, no, game over!

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No.

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'That's right-er!

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'Alexander's Conquest of Greece, Persia and Egypt Expansion

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'comes with a Conquest of India Expansion board, too!'

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Oh, come on!

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I only really came round to conquer Persia, so...

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I want to conquer India now!

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Yeah, that could take a while.

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I did say I'd pick my sister up from the swimming pool.

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Oh look, we've just been attacked by elephants!

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What is an elephants?

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OK, but once we conquer India, then can we go home, because I...

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-What do you think?

-'You've guessed it!

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'Alexander's Conquest of Greece, Persian Egypt and India Expansion

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'comes with the To The Ends Of The Earth Expansion board!'

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We are going to keep playing this game

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until this board covers the whole world.

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Guys?

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'Alexander's Conquest of Greece, Persia, Egypt and India

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'with the To The Ends Of The Earth Expansion board game.

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'Play it until no-one will play with you anymore.'

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Right, who is that voice?

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Alexander's empire was huge

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and stretched over five million square kilometres, which is massive.

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Almost as big as Alexander's ego.

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Yes, that Alexander really was quite a character.

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ECSTATIC CHEERING

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# Alexander is my name

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# Macedonia's most famous commander

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# History calls "The Great" but I prefer "The Greatest"

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# A king aged only 20 when my dad assassinated

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# Advisors called for calm but, frankly, peace is over-rated

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# Crushed rebels in Greek city states

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# So, thousands of them martyrs

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# Made short labour of my neighbours

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# And that was just for starters

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# Alexander, full-time fighter

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# Made my home rule secure

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# But that wasn't enough I wanted more, more, more!

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# And so began my masterplan to conquer by invasion

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# Started with dad's enemy The famous Persian nation

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# Ruler Darius had far more troops An inconvenience

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# But I won, then thrashed Egypt I'm a military genius

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# Founded Egypt's Alexandria Named for the greatest man alive

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# I was now Pharaoh and King of Persia

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# Not bad for 25

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# Alexander!

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# Victorious fighter

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# "The Greatest" sounds flat

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# How about "The Living God"?

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# Yeah, I'll buy that!

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# My loyal followers said "That's the stuff"

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# But I, a born warrior said "It's not enough"

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# "Let's take India Last man there's a fool"

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# Started wearing Persian clothes Boy, I looked so cool

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# But made my troops suspicious

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# Men called me too ambitious

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# Said they wouldn't follow me... #

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Guitar solo, Ptolemy!

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# Cos of me, Ptolemy, he'll go far

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# He'll found the dynasty that ends with Cleopatra

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# Then, there's Hephaestian My best friend, of course

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# Unless you count Bucephalus but he's a horse #

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Why the long face, my friend?

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HORSE NEIGHS

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# Anyway, together It was going grand

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# Till Heph and Bucy died and my men took a stand

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# I wanted to continue but my hands were tied

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# So I sat in my tent and I cried

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# Oh-oh-ohohohoooooh!

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# Alexander! No more a fighter

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# Adventures had to stop cos 323BC saw me drop... #

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Dead!

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It's 1928 and historical grimefighters, Louis and Dave,

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have come to the laboratory of scientist Alexander Fleming

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in St Mary's Hospital, London.

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Yeah, we've had problems with Mr Fleming before.

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He's a brilliant scientist, supposedly.

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But he's not a brilliant tidy-upper, I can tell you that for nothing!

0:16:340:16:37

Oh, crikey, this is worse than your bedroom, this is, Dave.

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There's dirty pots and dishes everywhere,

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full of highly-infectious bacteria.

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Oh, I don't believe this, Dave!

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He's been experimenting with bacteria

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and he's gone on holiday without tidying up after himself first!

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There's mould in that Petri dish.

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Oh, here he comes, Dr Doolittle.

0:16:560:16:59

What's going on?

0:16:590:17:00

Tell you what's going on, mate, you're going to clean up

0:17:000:17:02

this laboratory, starting with that mould there.

0:17:020:17:04

Extraordinary!

0:17:040:17:06

Not really, mate. That's what happens when you go on holiday

0:17:060:17:08

-and leave your dirty dishes.

-Look, look.

0:17:080:17:10

The Staphylococci bacteria on this is completely normal, right?

0:17:100:17:13

Whereas in this dish, it's been destroyed by the mould.

0:17:130:17:17

Do you know what this means?

0:17:170:17:18

Blooming strong mould.

0:17:180:17:19

Exactly. I must grow some more!

0:17:190:17:22

Erm, I don't think so, mate. Dave, the mould killer.

0:17:220:17:25

No, stop! Look, you don't understand, right?

0:17:250:17:27

This mould stops other bacteria from growing.

0:17:270:17:29

I mean, this could be a really important medical discovery!

0:17:290:17:32

One day, we could use this to treat infections.

0:17:320:17:35

Oh, right! "Doctor, doctor, I'm feeling really ill!"

0:17:350:17:38

"Oh, it's all right, here's some mould!"

0:17:380:17:40

I reckon I'll win a prize for this one day.

0:17:400:17:42

Yeah, you will, mate - The Filthiest Laboratory Award, 1928.

0:17:420:17:46

Here's your reward.

0:17:460:17:48

Right, come on, Dave, let's get out of here.

0:17:480:17:51

I'd like to thank me mum for never making me clean my room!

0:17:510:17:55

Disgusting!

0:17:550:17:57

That's enough of your jibber-jabber, Dave.

0:17:570:18:00

Dr Fleming had actually discovered penicillin,

0:18:020:18:05

an antibiotic which is still widely used today.

0:18:050:18:09

And in 1945, he shared a Nobel Prize.

0:18:090:18:13

I've grown plenty of mould and I've never been given a prize for it.

0:18:130:18:18

Back in the early 1900s, another potty pioneer was making his name.

0:18:180:18:22

Hello. I'm here to pitch one of the greatest adventure stories

0:18:280:18:32

in history - my team's journey to Antarctica.

0:18:320:18:35

Listen, Scotty of the Antarctic, the last thing we want to hear

0:18:350:18:38

is a boring story about a bunch of guys who got to the South Pole

0:18:380:18:41

second and then all froze to death on the way home!

0:18:410:18:43

Talk about a story without any warmth!

0:18:430:18:46

Depressing.

0:18:460:18:47

No, no, I think there's been some confusion. I'm not Scott.

0:18:470:18:50

Scott died on his way back from the South Pole in 1912.

0:18:500:18:53

Ah, you must be Amundsen,

0:18:530:18:55

the Norwegian guy who got there 33 days before Scott!

0:18:550:18:58

Now, that's more interesting.

0:18:580:18:59

Apparently, he used dogs to pull the sledges.

0:18:590:19:01

Were these talking dogs?

0:19:010:19:03

Lady and the Tramp Go Skiing?! It's a "yes" from me!

0:19:030:19:05

No, no, I'm not Amundsen, either. I'm Ernest Shackleton.

0:19:050:19:08

So you weren't first or second to the South Pole?

0:19:080:19:11

Well, actually, my team never made it, at all.

0:19:110:19:13

-Oh, great!

-Because films about massive losers

0:19:130:19:16

who don't achieve anything make such big hits(!)

0:19:160:19:18

How close did you get?

0:19:180:19:20

About 200 miles.

0:19:200:19:21

Is this a comedy?!

0:19:210:19:22

No, it's a thrilling adventure!

0:19:220:19:24

Oh, beam me up, Scotty of the Arctic! I want out of this meeting!

0:19:240:19:27

So our voyage of discovery was something of a failure,

0:19:270:19:30

but it's what happened next, that's the amazing story.

0:19:300:19:32

Our ship, The Endurance, got stuck in the ice for nine months.

0:19:320:19:36

Eventually, the force of the ice cracked the hull of the ship

0:19:360:19:38

and we had to abandon it. Leaving most of the men behind

0:19:380:19:41

on the frozen beach, six of us went for help in a small rowing boat.

0:19:410:19:44

OK, you've got my attention.

0:19:440:19:46

We travelled for 800 miles in two weeks,

0:19:460:19:48

in the most horrendous conditions.

0:19:480:19:50

And then what happened?

0:19:500:19:51

We landed on the island of South Georgia,

0:19:510:19:53

where we knew there was a whaling station,

0:19:530:19:55

but we were on the wrong side of the island.

0:19:550:19:57

HE GROANS

0:19:570:19:59

In our way was a huge mountain range. Incredibly, three of us managed

0:19:590:20:02

to make it across and charter a boat to rescue the rest of the men.

0:20:020:20:05

Amazingly, every single one of them survived!

0:20:050:20:08

-Yes!

-Hooray!

0:20:080:20:09

They're alive! They're alive!

0:20:090:20:11

Kid, you got yourself a movie deal.

0:20:110:20:13

Oh, thank you!

0:20:130:20:14

I assume everybody lived happily ever after.

0:20:140:20:17

Actually, no.

0:20:170:20:19

Most of them were called up

0:20:190:20:20

and killed a couple of years later in the First World War.

0:20:200:20:23

-Well, there goes the sequel.

-It's a no from me.

0:20:230:20:26

-Buzz! You got three nos. Thanks for coming.

-Right, fine. I'm off.

0:20:260:20:29

Better hurry up or the Norwegian team will beat you.

0:20:290:20:31

That was the other guy!

0:20:310:20:32

He's going outside for a walk, he may be some time.

0:20:320:20:35

The OTHER guy!

0:20:350:20:36

-I found him very cold.

-Mm.

0:20:370:20:39

Chilling.

0:20:390:20:40

Early man good at music.

0:20:440:20:46

Neanderthal even make flute 40,000 year ago.

0:20:460:20:51

'Available at last from Neanderthal Records...

0:20:510:20:53

'..the first-ever musical notes

0:20:550:20:57

'played on the first-ever musical instrument -

0:20:570:20:59

'a hollowed-out animal bone -

0:20:590:21:00

'collected together on one unforgettable album.'

0:21:000:21:03

Now, that what me call music.

0:21:030:21:05

Music good! Me like! Hey!

0:21:050:21:08

'Featuring the ground-breaking Three Notes In Any Old Order...'

0:21:080:21:11

HE PLAYS RANDOM NOTES

0:21:110:21:13

Oh, beautiful.

0:21:130:21:15

'..the remarkable Four Notes In Any Old Order...'

0:21:150:21:18

HE PLAYS A SINGLE NOTE

0:21:180:21:20

Oh! HE PLAYS MORE RANDOM NOTES

0:21:200:21:22

Very good!

0:21:220:21:23

'..and the smash hit, Smash Hit!'

0:21:230:21:26

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

0:21:260:21:28

-CRUNCH!

-Oh!

0:21:280:21:30

Broken!

0:21:300:21:31

What you mean, "While Neanderthals last"?

0:21:340:21:37

-What this?

-I don't know.

0:21:370:21:39

It's true -

0:21:410:21:42

a flute made from animal bone is thought to be

0:21:420:21:44

the oldest musical instrument in the world.

0:21:440:21:47

That is if you don't count the bum trumpet.

0:21:470:21:49

-PFFRT!

-Ah, sweet music.

0:21:490:21:52

Stone Age man had many uses for animal bones

0:21:520:21:55

and they came from some very unusual animals.

0:21:550:21:58

Hello. I'm an over excitable wildlife presenter.

0:22:020:22:06

And I'm an even more excitable wildlife presenter.

0:22:060:22:09

-And I'm really excited today...

-Though not as excited as me!

0:22:090:22:13

..because we are here in Stone Age times for a really special

0:22:130:22:16

edition of Historical Springwatch.

0:22:160:22:19

We are in the Pleistocene Era, where we've got hidden cameras

0:22:190:22:22

deep inside the habitats of this era's most extraordinary animals.

0:22:220:22:27

They really are extraordinary.

0:22:270:22:28

-I just said that!

-Sorry.

0:22:280:22:30

Let's take a look at the Toxodon.

0:22:300:22:32

The Toxodon is a giant, three-toed mammal

0:22:320:22:36

that's a sort of a cross between a hippopotamus and a gerbil.

0:22:360:22:39

Imagine that - a sort of giant, hairy hippo.

0:22:390:22:42

Well, you don't have to imagine it.

0:22:420:22:44

Because we're going to see one, any second now.

0:22:440:22:47

Oh, it seems the Toxodon's been eaten by an early man.

0:22:480:22:52

That's exciting to see, too -

0:22:520:22:54

Homo sapiens surviving by making use of any food available to him.

0:22:540:22:58

Not to worry - we've got plenty of other giant mammals for you.

0:22:580:23:01

So let's take a look at the Megatherium we've been following.

0:23:010:23:05

This sloth can grow up to six metres long.

0:23:050:23:09

And we've been following this guy for more than...

0:23:090:23:11

-Oh! He's done it again!

-Can we check out the other cameras?

0:23:110:23:15

He scoffed the lot!

0:23:150:23:17

If he carries on like this, early man's going to end up

0:23:170:23:19

killing off all of these fantastic mega animals.

0:23:190:23:22

Well, not on my Springwatch, let me tell you.

0:23:220:23:25

Oi, you there!

0:23:250:23:26

Did you never stop to think that people in the future

0:23:260:23:29

might actually want to see giant panthers, giant sloths,

0:23:290:23:32

even giant sabretooth tigers?!

0:23:320:23:35

GROWLING AND ROARING

0:23:350:23:37

Uh!

0:23:370:23:38

Actually, you have my permission to kill this one.

0:23:380:23:41

Where are you going?!

0:23:410:23:43

Oh! What extraordinary teeth you have!

0:23:430:23:46

ROARING AND SCREAMING

0:23:460:23:47

Well, join me tomorrow, when we'll...

0:23:470:23:50

I'LL be looking at a bull that's the size of a small elephant.

0:23:500:23:54

And then early man will be turning it into hamburgers. See you, then.

0:23:540:23:58

Us pirates could be dead hard to understand.

0:24:020:24:06

Especially for those people we held captive. Arrrrr!

0:24:060:24:11

Do they know who I am? Who's in charge here?

0:24:110:24:13

Arr! Heave-to, me hearties!

0:24:130:24:16

-Are you the man in charge?

-That be me, you landlubber.

0:24:160:24:19

I'm sorry, what was that?

0:24:190:24:20

I am reasonably familiar with pirate parlance.

0:24:200:24:24

-Perhaps I could translate?

-Proceed.

0:24:240:24:26

A landlubber, basically, means someone

0:24:260:24:28

who is clumsy while aboard a ship.

0:24:280:24:30

If that's what you mean, why don't you just speak properly?

0:24:300:24:33

Silence, scurvy knave!

0:24:330:24:35

Oh, he's at it again. Translation, please.

0:24:350:24:37

Scurvy is a nasty disease you can get at sea and knave...

0:24:370:24:41

Well, he's basically calling you a villain, sir.

0:24:410:24:43

If he wants to call me a scabby villain, why didn't he just say so?

0:24:430:24:47

Well, shiver me timbers, I'll have this bilge rat keelhauled.

0:24:470:24:51

THE GENTLEMAN SIGHS

0:24:510:24:52

Well, if a ship gets a sudden blast from a cannon,

0:24:520:24:55

then the wooden masts - or "timbers" - are shaken or "shivered".

0:24:550:24:59

It's, kind of, an expression of surprise.

0:24:590:25:01

And bilge is the very bottom of a ship -

0:25:010:25:03

a dirty, stinking place filled with rats. Hence "bilge rat."

0:25:030:25:08

And "keelhauled"?

0:25:080:25:10

A traditional pirate punishment,

0:25:100:25:11

where your feet are tied and you're dragged under the water,

0:25:110:25:14

rubbing against the barnacled bottom of the ship.

0:25:140:25:17

You'd be torn to pieces, sir.

0:25:170:25:18

That threat certainly would have had me quaking in my boots,

0:25:180:25:21

if I'd had ANY idea what it meant!

0:25:210:25:24

Speak English!

0:25:240:25:25

Arr! Paul, sew his mouth up.

0:25:250:25:28

Ugh! Translation, please.

0:25:280:25:31

"Sew his mouth up."

0:25:310:25:33

Ah.

0:25:330:25:34

Well, shiver me timbers.

0:25:340:25:36

I think I've just filled my keel with bilge.

0:25:360:25:39

Now you're getting the hang of it, mate. Arrr!

0:25:390:25:41

PIRATES LAUGH

0:25:410:25:43

Hello and welcome to HH TV Sport,

0:25:460:25:48

bringing you live sport direct from the past.

0:25:480:25:51

Today, we've got a truly extraordinary sporting spectacle

0:25:510:25:54

lined up for you - the Pirate Races.

0:25:540:25:56

To find out more,

0:25:560:25:58

I hand you over to our commentary team in the Georgian Era.

0:25:580:26:01

So, here we are at the pirate racecourse,

0:26:010:26:04

a recently-captured merchant ship.

0:26:040:26:05

This promises to be the most amazing race -

0:26:050:26:08

the riders and their jockeys

0:26:080:26:10

now taking their positions at the starting line.

0:26:100:26:12

And here they are.

0:26:120:26:14

Three experienced pirate jockeys and three captured monks.

0:26:140:26:18

Well, as you know, pirates are twisted lot.

0:26:180:26:20

They take particular pleasure in tormenting these religious men.

0:26:200:26:24

And they're under starter's orders.

0:26:240:26:26

BIRD CAWS

0:26:260:26:27

And they're off!

0:26:270:26:29

Well, it's a cracking start to the race.

0:26:290:26:31

They're approaching the first obstacle now,

0:26:310:26:33

which is a board of nails.

0:26:330:26:35

This racecourse is a recently-captured merchant ship -

0:26:350:26:37

the merchants have tried to prevent the pirates capturing the ship

0:26:370:26:40

by putting down a board full of nails, right across the deck.

0:26:400:26:43

Oh, dear! Brother Carlos has trodden on one!

0:26:430:26:46

Oh, and there goes his vow of silence. That is unfortunate.

0:26:460:26:50

Oh, and just look at this, Brother Miguel's jockey

0:26:500:26:52

is making him drink rum at gunpoint. Is that normal?

0:26:520:26:55

I'm afraid so, John, some pirates like to amuse themselves

0:26:550:26:58

by forcing monks to get drunk.

0:26:580:26:59

But this is the first time I've actually seen it

0:26:590:27:02

used in an actual race.

0:27:020:27:03

And, yeah, Brother Miguel

0:27:030:27:04

really feeling the effects of the rum, there.

0:27:040:27:07

And here's the next obstacle.

0:27:070:27:09

The merchants have put butter and peas on the deck(?)

0:27:090:27:11

That's to make the decks slippy for the pirates.

0:27:110:27:13

And the riders certainly struggling with this one.

0:27:130:27:16

Slipping into the lead there is Father Xavier...

0:27:160:27:19

Lazy monk, come on!

0:27:190:27:20

..whose jockey is making judicious use of the cat-o'-nine-tails.

0:27:200:27:25

Well, that's the pirates' whip of choice.

0:27:250:27:27

And they're coming up to the finishing line

0:27:270:27:30

and it's Father Xavier who wins by a bald head.

0:27:300:27:32

And his jockey receives his well-deserved winner's trophy,

0:27:320:27:35

his to treasure.

0:27:350:27:37

Ah, well, not for long, John.

0:27:370:27:38

-Well, that's pirates for you.

-THEY LAUGH

0:27:380:27:41

Back to the studio.

0:27:410:27:42

# Tall tales Atrocious acts

0:27:430:27:45

# We gave you all the fearsome facts

0:27:450:27:46

# The ugly truth No glam or glitz... #

0:27:460:27:48

Can't get enough of Horrible Histories?

0:27:480:27:50

Then go to the CBBC website and click on the link!

0:27:500:27:53

See you there!

0:27:530:27:55

# The past is no longer a mystery

0:27:550:27:57

# Hope you enjoyed

0:27:570:27:58

# Horrible Histories. #

0:27:580:28:03

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