'Orrible Oliver Cromwell Special Horrible Histories


'Orrible Oliver Cromwell Special

Historical sketch show. Oliver Cromwell rises from obscurity, challenges King Charles I in the English Civil War, and ultimately orders his execution.


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Transcript


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# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Fighting Frenchmen, vile Victorians

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# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

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# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

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# Smashing Saxons, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

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# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Normans, savage, fierce and toothless

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# Civil wars, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

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# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a drumming rat

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# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

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# Horrible Histories. #

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Horrible Histories presents...

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MUSIC PLAYING

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Stop doing that!

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SINGING

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Oliver Cromwell was born in 1599

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and was raised as a strict Protestant, called a Puritan.

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He would go on to topple the king

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and become leader of the country himself.

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But when he first started out as a Member of Parliament

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he really didn't make much of an impression at all.

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Hear ye, hear ye!

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In this week's gossip-packed Oyez Magazine,

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get the lowdown on all the latest celebrity scandals,

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Including hot young Member of Parliament Oliver Cromwell!

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Find out what everyone's saying about the Huntingdon hunk.

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Juicy!

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Oliver who?

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Cromwell? No. Not ringing any bells.

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BELL STOPS MID-RING

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Huh, apparently they're saying nothing about him.

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Oh, hang on. Is he that scruffy fellow? I remember.

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He only made one speech, and everyone hated it.

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Find out Olly's skincare secret.

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Ding dong!

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Tricky shaving, when your face is covered in warts.

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Oops. There goes another one.

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SPLAT

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We've got the pictures nobody wants to see.

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Ooh, Mummy!

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The young Oliver Cromwell -

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He's rude, boring,

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a bit disgusting, and nobody knows who he is.

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Oh, well.

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-RINGS BELL

-Oyez Magazine. Buy it today!

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It's Cromwell-tastic!

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Hi, I'm Mr H.

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I went to a lot of effort to find the Craziest Fools in History,

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so put down that mobile phone... put it down...

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That's it, and pay attention in my eye.

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It might just save your life, bruv.

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King Charles I of England and Scotland.

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Now, all that curly hair, all these fancy clothes,

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you might think he looks a bit like your mum, or a crazy fool.

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And you'd be right! SMASH

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He could rule how...

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I broke it.

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...And you'd be right!

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He thought he could rule however he wanted

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and that his authority was sent to him from God above.

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He ignored the people, and kept getting rid of Parliament

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and ended up starting like a civil war or something.

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You are bare crazy, bruv!

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When the trouble really started, Charles I raised his royal standard,

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which is like a flag, to get people on his side.

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FANFARE

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CLATTER

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Shame he couldn't keep it upright.

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It's a sign, Charlie. You're going out of business, mate!

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You want to start making sandwiches or something.

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Ow!

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Now, King Charles I was King of England and Scotland,

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but could have been crowned king of annoying fools!

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Here he is meeting one of the rebellion commanders,

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Oliver Cromwell.

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Your Majesty, let us hope we may bring about peace with these negotiations.

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Shall we begin?

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Perhaps we shall.

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So...will we or won't we?

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An excellent question, that deserves an excellent answer.

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But...what is the answer?

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Warts and all.

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No, no, no. To the question, Your Majesty.

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Another excellent question. You're really rather good at those.

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You curly idiot!

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The man is trying to make peace, you blazing royal fool!

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Until next time, stay away from stupid!

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(NORMAL VOICE) I've got to go. I've got tickets for Keane.

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I've got tickets to see Keane, O2. Excuse me. Excuse me!

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So, King Charles and Parliament fell out so spectacularly

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that the only option was war.

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And so, in 1642, the English Civil War began.

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On one side, Oliver Cromwell

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and the Parliamentarian army known as the Roundheads.

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And on the other side, King Charles and the Royalists,

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who were also called the Cavaliers.

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Sounds simple, right? Wrong.

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Chaos! The Civil War Board Game.

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It's Royalists versus Parliamentarians in the most complicated game ever.

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I declare civil war! Emma, you're on my team.

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Oh.

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Round one, and it's Scotland versus England.

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Cool. We'll be the Scottish.

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-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-We're unhappy with King Charles' religion, so we're raising an army.

-Aye!

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I'm the King. I'll march north and make a peace treaty.

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Dealt with?

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Round two. It's Scotland and England again.

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Us Scots have changed our mind about peace.

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We're raising an army and going to invade England.

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Oh, drat! All my armies have retreated

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and I've run out of soldiers. I know!

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I'll play my Ask Parliament For Money card.

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-They've said "no".

-Ha-ha!

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-Right, that's it. I'm getting rid of Parliament!

-No!

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Round three, it's England versus Scotland and England.

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Reset the board. Place your Parliament pieces in the south

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-and Royalists in the north.

-Sounds easy enough.

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Now place some of the Parliamentarians in the north

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-and some Royalists in the south.

-OK.

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Now place Parliamentarians in the cities, take some of them out again

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and put the Royalists in those cities.

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And don't forget the Scots, who are fighting against the King in this round,

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and the Irish, who are fighting for the King.

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And all the mercenaries from Europe, who could be fighting for either side.

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But this is chaos!

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That's right! Chaos! The New Civil War Board Game.

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-There are places where other villages are fighting against each other.

-Chaos!

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There are families with pieces on both sides.

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-Chaos!

-There are pieces that change sides during the game!

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Just like in the Civil War itself. Absolute chaos!

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-Call it a day?

-Yeah.

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No! It's time to play the all-important Cromwell card!

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What? At the start of the war he's just a low-ranking captain - he's useless.

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But play the game right, and he'll end up running the country.

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How long does this game take to play, please?

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Between 9 and 19 years, depending on how you look at it.

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I don't remember which side I'm playing.

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I can't even remember my name.

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Chaos! The Civil War Board Game.

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-Total chaos!

-Exactly!

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When King Charles raised his war banner at Nottingham,

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I had already taken sides against him.

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But what did I do in Cambridge to become famous around the country?

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Did I...?

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The answer is B!

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I rushed to Cambridge and grabbed his valuable silver collection

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before he could use it to pay his troops.

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Then I gathered a volunteer army of men

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and declared Cambridge to be against the King.

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That's right - I'm not just a pretty face.

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I'm a man of action too.

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OK, I'm...maybe just a man of action.

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Lots of Parliament supporters in the Civil War were Puritans,

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including Oliver Cromwell.

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Puritans dressed in simple black and white clothes

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and followed the words of the Bible to the letter,

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which inspired them to give each other some pretty strange names.

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As of this moment, you are soldiers in

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the Army of the Eastern Association of the Parliamentarian Army.

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FEEBLE CHEERING

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When you hear your name called out, say "here".

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-Fight The Good Fight Of Faith.

-Here!

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-Job Raked Out Of The Ashes.

-Aye.

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-Sorry For Sin.

-Aye, sir!

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Dancell-Daliphebo-Marke- Anthony-Gallery-Cesar...

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OK, that's not a real one. Very funny.

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You're having fun with the new officer.

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I get it. Fair enough.

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Where's the real list?

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-That is the real list.

-Tell no lies, soldier!

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It's pronounced Tell No Lees, sir.

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Well, I guess I should be thankful I've got a normal name.

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My name's Be Thankful too, sir.

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And I'm glad I've got a normal name as well.

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Let's just get to the end of the list, shall we?

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-We're willing and able, sir!

-Excellent.

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No, I'm Willing and he's Able.

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Right, well...the sooner we get through this,

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-the sooner we can have you wrestling with the enemy.

-Here!

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Your name is The Enemy?

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Don't be ridiculous.

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It's Wrestling With. OFFICER SIGHS

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Soldiers, do not speak unless you hear your name.

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Let's try and get through this.

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OK... Die Well Sykes?

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Here, sir!

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-Sudden Death?

-Here!

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Unfortunate name for a soldier, that. Jolly Death?

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-Here, sir!

-That's not much better.

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Your names are all batty!

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No, only my name is Batty, sir!

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Well, I must admit, this isn't the welcome I was expecting.

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And, no, you're not The Welcome I Was Expecting, either.

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Right, do what you're told and you may survive this war.

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My name is Victory!

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ALL CHEER

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It really is, that's my name.

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SINGING

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Energy. Did you see?

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In a time for heroes...

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In a time when brother fought brother...

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In a time of chaos and bloodshed... came a hero.

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A soldier who would create a New Model Army

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and lead the Parliamentarian forces to victory

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at Marston Moor and Naseby,

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and ultimately win the Civil War. He was Oliver Cromwell.

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Hello.

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Look, hang on. Sorry, this is the story of me, Sir Thomas Fairfax.

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I was the one who did all those things, not him.

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No, I'm pretty sure Oliver Cromwell won the Civil War.

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I certainly did a lot of the work.

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Look, hang on, he was just my deputy.

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I was in charge of the army.

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Honestly, why does he always get the publicity?

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If anyone won the Civil War, I did.

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Idiot!

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Full Metal Helmet - the story of Sir Thomas Fairfax,

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the hero of the English Civil War.

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Thank you. That's more like it.

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The man who won a war and killed a king.

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Hang on, no. That was Cromwell, I had no part in that.

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Er, yeah, that was me.

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The man who ruled a nation as Lord Protector.

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Um, I think that was me too.

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Now, look! After the war, he took over, executed the king,

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became Lord Protector...

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But I was the only...

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Yeah. See, I saw you that time.

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But I was the only leader who won the war. OK?

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I just didn't do anything after that. Actually, that's not true.

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Later on, came out of retirement to help restore the monarchy.

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Sir Thomas Fairfax in... Full Metal Helmet.

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He won a war and couldn't be bothered to do anything else.

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Then he came back and helped the people he defeated get back into power.

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Yeah, to be fair, that's pretty much it.

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The Civil War turned the country upside down.

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Battles were fought all over the place,

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and unfortunately, 17th-century doctors couldn't always help the wounded.

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They had some pretty strange ideas about what was bad for you.

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Water - beware!

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You, sir!

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Stop! You're in mortal danger!

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Not behind you. Down there.

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A bit left...a bit more...

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Yes, there!

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Water - beware!

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Cutting edge research by leading doctors

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has proven water affects humans in ghastly ways.

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One, it fills the head with vapours, making you dangerously dizzy!

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Two, water loosens muscles, so you can't control your limbs.

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Wibbly wobbly!

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Three, water unclogs the pores of your skin...

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..so foul plague odours can get into your body.

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So follow these suggestions to protect you and your family.

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Don't drink water. Only safe drinks, like beer.

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Ah!

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Never wash - just change your shirt every day instead.

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Oh!

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So next time you or your loved ones fancy a drink or a wash, remember -

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love your dirt, change your shirt, and no-one gets hurt.

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Because water equals death!

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Warning, only silly doctors believe this. The rest of you just carry on as normal.

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I always knew being a dirty rat was a good thing.

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RAT CHUCKLES

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The Civil War dragged on for years,

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but eventually Cromwell's army defeated the King's Cavaliers.

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Olly put the King on trial for high treason against England.

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Charlie was found guilty and executed.

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GULPS

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Cromwell took control of Parliament and the country.

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But with great power comes great piles of problems.

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Careful what you wish for, Crommers.

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The King refused to abdicate.

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He was found guilty of being a tyrant, a traitor and a murderer.

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He left us no choice but to chop off his head.

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WOMAN GASPS

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It was a cruel necessity.

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# It was a cruel necessity

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# Something of a mess but he's

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# A right Charlie

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# Too proud a king To work with each MP

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# Parliament he did abandon

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# Doesn't have a leg to stand on

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# The cruel necessities of God's will came to me

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# It came to you

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# It came to me

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# We've scrapped the Long Parliament

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# Leaving us with a Rump

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# I thought supporters would help me

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# But they got the hump

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# I tried to delegate the crafts of state

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# Instead all landed on my plate

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# Had to go and fight in Dublin

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# Leaving dolts in charge was troubling

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# I ditched the King but those MPs were worse than he... #

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Not so easy, eh?

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# But still a cruel necessity

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# So many had said to me

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# "Charlie's off his trolley, Olly

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# "Boil his head for tea"

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# But despite decapitation

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# They dispute my legislation

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# Those dark ministers will be the death of me

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# You'll come to me... #

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Shut up already!

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# Now, I'm not king of these whingers

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# Who make me look a chump

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# I tell them so, in God's name, go

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# It's time to dump this Rump

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# My new Nominated Parliament

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# Much greater pedigree

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# They're excellent chaps

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# Clever, too And all got chose by me

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# Oh, whoop de doo

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# They're gonna be like me-he-he

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# Vote like me

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# Do what I ask them to do-hoo

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-# I disagree...

-Who are you?

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# Praise God, Barebones...

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Oh, praise be!

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# I don't like to moan Your army cronies annoy me

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# Once more it's cruel necessity

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# Time to ditch this ministry

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# Even Barebones Parliament

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# Fight among themselves

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# What this failing public sector Needs now is a Lord Protector

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# The Nominated nobodies' governing days are through

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# You ungrateful crew

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# You make me spew It's like a zoo

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# Well, whoop-di-doo. #

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Looks like all that power

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had started to make Cromwell's head Crom-swell!

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HE CHUCKLES DRUM CRACK

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He became Lord Protector,

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but he was nothing like King Charles.

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Except for being really stubborn - like King Charles.

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Never, ever agreeing with Parliament and having it closed down -

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like King Charles.

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And using the army to rule the country -

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like King Char... Do you know, hang on, he was a lot like King Charles!

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And people were so used to having a king or queen, no-one really knew

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what to call Cromwell and his wife, Elizabeth, or how to treat them.

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The King has gone, but Parliament is incapable of ruling.

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I take this title with a heavy heart.

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Yes, Your Majesty.

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Did you say "Majesty"? Please don't call me that.

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Sorry, Your Maj... Er, er, I mean, General.

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Listen, I'm not going to become a king myself. We discussed this.

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Absolutely.

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There's no point killing King Charles and replacing him with King Oliver.

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-That's not what we fought a war over.

-Absolutely.

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We all agree with you 100%, your...highness?

0:17:140:17:18

That one's OK.

0:17:180:17:19

-Oh, it would be nice to be Queen.

-Elizabeth...

0:17:190:17:22

Er, I'm sorry, you're absolutely right, Oliver.

0:17:220:17:25

You shall be Lord Protector and nothing else.

0:17:250:17:28

-Mmm.

-As you say, Lady Protectress.

0:17:280:17:30

Ooh, I like that!

0:17:300:17:32

So, are we all agreed?

0:17:320:17:33

Absolutely - you are definitely not becoming king. Now...

0:17:330:17:38

could we proceed with the ceremony? We need you to sit on the throne...

0:17:380:17:41

the chair of state.

0:17:410:17:44

-Not a throne, it's just a chair.

-It had better be.

0:17:440:17:47

Did he just bow?

0:17:470:17:49

I believe he was just checking his flies, Your Majesty.

0:17:490:17:53

FANFARE

0:17:530:17:55

Hmm. These look a bit royal.

0:17:550:17:58

Oh, no, just a few things to make it official, Your Maj...

0:17:580:18:01

your Major Lord Protector-ness.

0:18:010:18:04

Well, I suppose we do need to keep up appearances.

0:18:040:18:07

A few symbols of leadership won't hurt,

0:18:070:18:09

just as long as there's no crown.

0:18:090:18:10

Cap of maintenance, not...not crown. It's completely different.

0:18:100:18:15

Now, just so we're under no illusion here, I am not agreeing to be king at all!

0:18:150:18:19

I will not look like the King and I will not act like the King. Is that understood?

0:18:190:18:22

Yeah, whatever.

0:18:220:18:24

Noted.

0:18:240:18:25

Good.

0:18:260:18:27

Now, if you could move our things into the Palace of Whitehall.

0:18:270:18:30

Yeah, want to start redecorating.

0:18:300:18:32

Um, isn't that where the King used to live?

0:18:320:18:34

Well, we've got to live somewhere.

0:18:340:18:36

Huh, yes, Your Majesty(!)

0:18:360:18:38

Don't push it.

0:18:380:18:39

Cromwell was a Puritan, and their strict views

0:18:410:18:44

meant that lots of things people enjoyed got banned.

0:18:440:18:48

Bo-ring!

0:18:480:18:50

OK.

0:18:500:18:51

Hey, Cromwell's Britain. It's me, NoMerit Vynall.

0:18:510:18:55

Yes, it's my real name and yes, my little brother is called FearGod.

0:18:550:18:58

Puritan parents, right?

0:18:580:19:00

-Stop it, FearGod!

-I told you!

0:19:000:19:02

Anyway, I'm back with my top five of what's hot right now in entertainment.

0:19:020:19:07

OK. Number five - horse racing!

0:19:070:19:12

It's great, right?

0:19:120:19:13

You can race or...or just hang out with your friends.

0:19:130:19:15

Only you can't, because Cromwell's banned it.

0:19:150:19:19

He says, "Royalists might be meeting at the event."

0:19:190:19:23

Unbelievable. I mean, he even enjoys racing himself.

0:19:230:19:27

OK, number four in my entertainment countdown.

0:19:270:19:30

Stop, don't follow me, FearGod, you'll ruin the surprise!

0:19:300:19:33

The theatre! Everyone loves a play, right?

0:19:360:19:39

Not Oliver. He's closed down most of the theatres.

0:19:390:19:43

He says, "Royalists might be meeting there, too."

0:19:430:19:48

OK, number three... Now!

0:19:480:19:51

Football! Yay!

0:19:510:19:54

-Nay.

-GLASS SHATTERS

0:19:540:19:56

WHISTLE BLOWS

0:19:560:19:57

Apparently, we should be thinking about heaven instead, or something.

0:19:570:20:01

If you get caught playing on a Sunday,

0:20:010:20:03

they'll whip you - with whips!

0:20:030:20:05

OK, number two - dancing!

0:20:050:20:09

Only, guess what?

0:20:090:20:11

So, that's no horse racing, no theatre,

0:20:130:20:17

no football and no dancing.

0:20:170:20:19

Oh, well, there's always Christmas.

0:20:190:20:21

That is my number one thing to do for entertainment

0:20:210:20:25

in Cromwell's Britain.

0:20:250:20:26

Only, guess what? You can't do that, either!

0:20:260:20:29

The Christmas decorations, food and games part, anyway.

0:20:290:20:32

So, what's hot in the Commonwealth?

0:20:320:20:35

Nothing! Why did they bother banning work on Sundays?!

0:20:350:20:38

There's nothing else to do!

0:20:380:20:40

Me again, er, not feeling so great.

0:20:410:20:44

Probably going to snuff it soon.

0:20:440:20:47

COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

0:20:470:20:49

Oh, dear.

0:20:490:20:50

So, I'd better name my replacement for when I go.

0:20:500:20:54

But who did I choose to be the new Lord Protector?

0:20:540:20:56

SPLUTTERS

0:21:080:21:10

The answer is A.

0:21:100:21:12

Even though I'm definitely, definitely not a king,

0:21:120:21:15

I am appointing my son as heir, just like a king does.

0:21:150:21:19

What? No, it's not the same thing!

0:21:190:21:22

Oliver Cromwell died of pneumonia in 1658,

0:21:230:21:27

when he was 59 years old.

0:21:270:21:30

And after all that bother, just two years later,

0:21:300:21:33

King Charles I's son took back the country,

0:21:330:21:37

restored the monarchy to power and was crowned King Charles II.

0:21:370:21:42

What a turnaround.

0:21:420:21:44

I wonder what Cromwell thinks about that?

0:21:440:21:48

# Chatty Death, Chatty Death

0:21:500:21:52

# My grisly interviews

0:21:520:21:55

# Chatty Death, Chatty Death

0:21:550:21:57

# They're dead and famous too! #

0:21:570:22:00

So I said to the waiter, "I'm dead famous, you know?

0:22:000:22:03

"Cos I'm famous and I'm dead!"

0:22:030:22:05

DEATH LAUGHS

0:22:050:22:06

Oh, don't all corpse at once.

0:22:060:22:09

Don't all corpse...oh, whatever!

0:22:090:22:12

-Welcome to... Too late now!

-WIND HOWLS

0:22:120:22:15

-Shut your lids!

-WIND CEASES

0:22:150:22:17

Welcome back to Chatty Death.

0:22:170:22:20

Please put your hands together for our next guest,

0:22:200:22:22

the former Lord Protector of England, Oliver Cromwell!

0:22:220:22:27

So, Olly. Olly, Olly, Olly, Olly, Olly. Can I call you Olly?

0:22:300:22:33

Cool, cool. Olly it is. Thanks for coming on the show.

0:22:330:22:36

Didn't really have any choice, so...

0:22:360:22:38

Anyway, after you died, your body wasn't looked after properly,

0:22:380:22:41

so had to be buried in secret, because you smelt so bad!

0:22:410:22:45

What's that?

0:22:460:22:48

-Oliver what? Oliver Strongsmell!

-DRUM CRACK

0:22:480:22:50

Very good! He's good, this kid!

0:22:500:22:53

DEATH LAUGHS

0:22:530:22:55

So, tell me, Olly, how would you like to be remembered?

0:22:550:22:58

Well, I suppose as someone who did what needed to be done.

0:22:580:23:01

I'll admit I did some pretty horrible things along the way.

0:23:010:23:04

But it was a small price to pay to make sure that the monarchy

0:23:040:23:07

would never again rule this country.

0:23:070:23:09

Mmm!

0:23:090:23:10

Do you want to tell him, or shall I?

0:23:100:23:13

No, you tell him, it's a bit embarrassing.

0:23:130:23:15

-All right, I'll tell him.

-Tell me what?

0:23:150:23:17

Oh, it's just a little thing about Charles I's son coming back,

0:23:170:23:21

being crowned King Charles II.

0:23:210:23:23

Murdering virtually everyone who signed his dad's death warrant

0:23:230:23:26

and having your corpse dug up and beheaded.

0:23:260:23:28

What else is there?

0:23:280:23:30

Oh, yeah, and the monarchy's still ruling in Britain today.

0:23:300:23:32

Hardly worth mentioning, really.

0:23:320:23:35

Any famous last words?

0:23:350:23:37

SPLUTTERS

0:23:370:23:38

Argh!

0:23:380:23:40

Anyway, that was Oliver Cromwell, everyone.

0:23:400:23:43

Sorry, what's that?

0:23:440:23:46

Oliver Pongwell! Not as good, mate.

0:23:460:23:49

Oliver Pongwell is not as good.

0:23:490:23:51

# Chatty Death, Chatty Death

0:23:510:23:53

# Hope next time it's not you! Hoo-hoo! #

0:23:530:23:57

# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts

0:23:580:24:01

# The ugly truth, no glam or glitz We showed you all the juicy bits

0:24:010:24:03

# Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel

0:24:030:24:06

# Stuff they don't teach you at school

0:24:060:24:09

# The past is no longer a mystery

0:24:090:24:12

# Hope you enjoyed

0:24:120:24:13

# Horrible Histories. #

0:24:130:24:17

A special episode of the historical sketch show about Oliver Cromwell. We follow Oliver as he rises from obscurity, challenges King Charles I in the English Civil War, and ultimately orders the King's execution - as he says, a it was a 'cruel necessity'. In other parts of Britain we meet a bunch of oddly named Puritan soldiers, and the great writers Shakespeare and Milton square up for a word battle. With of course, our host Rattus to guide the way!


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