'Orrible Oliver Cromwell Special Horrible Histories

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# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

Horrible Histories presents...

MUSIC PLAYING

Stop doing that!

SINGING

Oliver Cromwell was born in 1599

and was raised as a strict Protestant, called a Puritan.

He would go on to topple the king

and become leader of the country himself.

But when he first started out as a Member of Parliament

he really didn't make much of an impression at all.

Hear ye, hear ye!

In this week's gossip-packed Oyez Magazine,

get the lowdown on all the latest celebrity scandals,

Including hot young Member of Parliament Oliver Cromwell!

Find out what everyone's saying about the Huntingdon hunk.

Juicy!

Oliver who?

Cromwell? No. Not ringing any bells.

BELL STOPS MID-RING

Huh, apparently they're saying nothing about him.

Oh, hang on. Is he that scruffy fellow? I remember.

He only made one speech, and everyone hated it.

Find out Olly's skincare secret.

Ding dong!

Tricky shaving, when your face is covered in warts.

Oops. There goes another one.

SPLAT

We've got the pictures nobody wants to see.

Ooh, Mummy!

The young Oliver Cromwell -

He's rude, boring,

a bit disgusting, and nobody knows who he is.

Oh, well.

-RINGS BELL

-Oyez Magazine. Buy it today!

It's Cromwell-tastic!

Hi, I'm Mr H.

I went to a lot of effort to find the Craziest Fools in History,

so put down that mobile phone... put it down...

That's it, and pay attention in my eye.

It might just save your life, bruv.

King Charles I of England and Scotland.

Now, all that curly hair, all these fancy clothes,

you might think he looks a bit like your mum, or a crazy fool.

And you'd be right! SMASH

He could rule how...

I broke it.

...And you'd be right!

He thought he could rule however he wanted

and that his authority was sent to him from God above.

He ignored the people, and kept getting rid of Parliament

and ended up starting like a civil war or something.

You are bare crazy, bruv!

When the trouble really started, Charles I raised his royal standard,

which is like a flag, to get people on his side.

FANFARE

CLATTER

Shame he couldn't keep it upright.

It's a sign, Charlie. You're going out of business, mate!

You want to start making sandwiches or something.

Ow!

Now, King Charles I was King of England and Scotland,

but could have been crowned king of annoying fools!

Here he is meeting one of the rebellion commanders,

Oliver Cromwell.

Your Majesty, let us hope we may bring about peace with these negotiations.

Shall we begin?

Perhaps we shall.

So...will we or won't we?

An excellent question, that deserves an excellent answer.

But...what is the answer?

Warts and all.

No, no, no. To the question, Your Majesty.

Another excellent question. You're really rather good at those.

You curly idiot!

The man is trying to make peace, you blazing royal fool!

Until next time, stay away from stupid!

(NORMAL VOICE) I've got to go. I've got tickets for Keane.

I've got tickets to see Keane, O2. Excuse me. Excuse me!

So, King Charles and Parliament fell out so spectacularly

that the only option was war.

And so, in 1642, the English Civil War began.

On one side, Oliver Cromwell

and the Parliamentarian army known as the Roundheads.

And on the other side, King Charles and the Royalists,

who were also called the Cavaliers.

Sounds simple, right? Wrong.

Chaos! The Civil War Board Game.

It's Royalists versus Parliamentarians in the most complicated game ever.

I declare civil war! Emma, you're on my team.

Oh.

Round one, and it's Scotland versus England.

Cool. We'll be the Scottish.

-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-We're unhappy with King Charles' religion, so we're raising an army.

-Aye!

I'm the King. I'll march north and make a peace treaty.

Dealt with?

Round two. It's Scotland and England again.

Us Scots have changed our mind about peace.

We're raising an army and going to invade England.

Oh, drat! All my armies have retreated

and I've run out of soldiers. I know!

I'll play my Ask Parliament For Money card.

-They've said "no".

-Ha-ha!

-Right, that's it. I'm getting rid of Parliament!

-No!

Round three, it's England versus Scotland and England.

Reset the board. Place your Parliament pieces in the south

-and Royalists in the north.

-Sounds easy enough.

Now place some of the Parliamentarians in the north

-and some Royalists in the south.

-OK.

Now place Parliamentarians in the cities, take some of them out again

and put the Royalists in those cities.

And don't forget the Scots, who are fighting against the King in this round,

and the Irish, who are fighting for the King.

And all the mercenaries from Europe, who could be fighting for either side.

But this is chaos!

That's right! Chaos! The New Civil War Board Game.

-There are places where other villages are fighting against each other.

-Chaos!

There are families with pieces on both sides.

-Chaos!

-There are pieces that change sides during the game!

Just like in the Civil War itself. Absolute chaos!

-Call it a day?

-Yeah.

No! It's time to play the all-important Cromwell card!

What? At the start of the war he's just a low-ranking captain - he's useless.

But play the game right, and he'll end up running the country.

How long does this game take to play, please?

Between 9 and 19 years, depending on how you look at it.

I don't remember which side I'm playing.

I can't even remember my name.

Chaos! The Civil War Board Game.

-Total chaos!

-Exactly!

When King Charles raised his war banner at Nottingham,

I had already taken sides against him.

But what did I do in Cambridge to become famous around the country?

Did I...?

The answer is B!

I rushed to Cambridge and grabbed his valuable silver collection

before he could use it to pay his troops.

Then I gathered a volunteer army of men

and declared Cambridge to be against the King.

That's right - I'm not just a pretty face.

I'm a man of action too.

OK, I'm...maybe just a man of action.

Lots of Parliament supporters in the Civil War were Puritans,

including Oliver Cromwell.

Puritans dressed in simple black and white clothes

and followed the words of the Bible to the letter,

which inspired them to give each other some pretty strange names.

As of this moment, you are soldiers in

the Army of the Eastern Association of the Parliamentarian Army.

FEEBLE CHEERING

When you hear your name called out, say "here".

-Fight The Good Fight Of Faith.

-Here!

-Job Raked Out Of The Ashes.

-Aye.

-Sorry For Sin.

-Aye, sir!

Dancell-Daliphebo-Marke- Anthony-Gallery-Cesar...

OK, that's not a real one. Very funny.

You're having fun with the new officer.

I get it. Fair enough.

Where's the real list?

-That is the real list.

-Tell no lies, soldier!

It's pronounced Tell No Lees, sir.

Well, I guess I should be thankful I've got a normal name.

My name's Be Thankful too, sir.

And I'm glad I've got a normal name as well.

Let's just get to the end of the list, shall we?

-We're willing and able, sir!

-Excellent.

No, I'm Willing and he's Able.

Right, well...the sooner we get through this,

-the sooner we can have you wrestling with the enemy.

-Here!

Your name is The Enemy?

Don't be ridiculous.

It's Wrestling With. OFFICER SIGHS

Soldiers, do not speak unless you hear your name.

Let's try and get through this.

OK... Die Well Sykes?

Here, sir!

-Sudden Death?

-Here!

Unfortunate name for a soldier, that. Jolly Death?

-Here, sir!

-That's not much better.

Your names are all batty!

No, only my name is Batty, sir!

Well, I must admit, this isn't the welcome I was expecting.

And, no, you're not The Welcome I Was Expecting, either.

Right, do what you're told and you may survive this war.

My name is Victory!

ALL CHEER

It really is, that's my name.

SINGING

Energy. Did you see?

In a time for heroes...

In a time when brother fought brother...

In a time of chaos and bloodshed... came a hero.

A soldier who would create a New Model Army

and lead the Parliamentarian forces to victory

at Marston Moor and Naseby,

and ultimately win the Civil War. He was Oliver Cromwell.

Hello.

Look, hang on. Sorry, this is the story of me, Sir Thomas Fairfax.

I was the one who did all those things, not him.

No, I'm pretty sure Oliver Cromwell won the Civil War.

I certainly did a lot of the work.

Look, hang on, he was just my deputy.

I was in charge of the army.

Honestly, why does he always get the publicity?

If anyone won the Civil War, I did.

Idiot!

Full Metal Helmet - the story of Sir Thomas Fairfax,

the hero of the English Civil War.

Thank you. That's more like it.

The man who won a war and killed a king.

Hang on, no. That was Cromwell, I had no part in that.

Er, yeah, that was me.

The man who ruled a nation as Lord Protector.

Um, I think that was me too.

Now, look! After the war, he took over, executed the king,

became Lord Protector...

But I was the only...

Yeah. See, I saw you that time.

But I was the only leader who won the war. OK?

I just didn't do anything after that. Actually, that's not true.

Later on, came out of retirement to help restore the monarchy.

Sir Thomas Fairfax in... Full Metal Helmet.

He won a war and couldn't be bothered to do anything else.

Then he came back and helped the people he defeated get back into power.

Yeah, to be fair, that's pretty much it.

The Civil War turned the country upside down.

Battles were fought all over the place,

and unfortunately, 17th-century doctors couldn't always help the wounded.

They had some pretty strange ideas about what was bad for you.

Water - beware!

You, sir!

Stop! You're in mortal danger!

Not behind you. Down there.

A bit left...a bit more...

Yes, there!

Water - beware!

Cutting edge research by leading doctors

has proven water affects humans in ghastly ways.

One, it fills the head with vapours, making you dangerously dizzy!

Two, water loosens muscles, so you can't control your limbs.

Wibbly wobbly!

Three, water unclogs the pores of your skin...

..so foul plague odours can get into your body.

So follow these suggestions to protect you and your family.

Don't drink water. Only safe drinks, like beer.

Ah!

Never wash - just change your shirt every day instead.

Oh!

So next time you or your loved ones fancy a drink or a wash, remember -

love your dirt, change your shirt, and no-one gets hurt.

Because water equals death!

Warning, only silly doctors believe this. The rest of you just carry on as normal.

I always knew being a dirty rat was a good thing.

RAT CHUCKLES

The Civil War dragged on for years,

but eventually Cromwell's army defeated the King's Cavaliers.

Olly put the King on trial for high treason against England.

Charlie was found guilty and executed.

GULPS

Cromwell took control of Parliament and the country.

But with great power comes great piles of problems.

Careful what you wish for, Crommers.

The King refused to abdicate.

He was found guilty of being a tyrant, a traitor and a murderer.

He left us no choice but to chop off his head.

WOMAN GASPS

It was a cruel necessity.

# It was a cruel necessity

# Something of a mess but he's

# A right Charlie

# Too proud a king To work with each MP

# Parliament he did abandon

# Doesn't have a leg to stand on

# The cruel necessities of God's will came to me

# It came to you

# It came to me

# We've scrapped the Long Parliament

# Leaving us with a Rump

# I thought supporters would help me

# But they got the hump

# I tried to delegate the crafts of state

# Instead all landed on my plate

# Had to go and fight in Dublin

# Leaving dolts in charge was troubling

# I ditched the King but those MPs were worse than he... #

Not so easy, eh?

# But still a cruel necessity

# So many had said to me

# "Charlie's off his trolley, Olly

# "Boil his head for tea"

# But despite decapitation

# They dispute my legislation

# Those dark ministers will be the death of me

# You'll come to me... #

Shut up already!

# Now, I'm not king of these whingers

# Who make me look a chump

# I tell them so, in God's name, go

# It's time to dump this Rump

# My new Nominated Parliament

# Much greater pedigree

# They're excellent chaps

# Clever, too And all got chose by me

# Oh, whoop de doo

# They're gonna be like me-he-he

# Vote like me

# Do what I ask them to do-hoo

-# I disagree...

-Who are you?

# Praise God, Barebones...

Oh, praise be!

# I don't like to moan Your army cronies annoy me

# Once more it's cruel necessity

# Time to ditch this ministry

# Even Barebones Parliament

# Fight among themselves

# What this failing public sector Needs now is a Lord Protector

# The Nominated nobodies' governing days are through

# You ungrateful crew

# You make me spew It's like a zoo

# Well, whoop-di-doo. #

Looks like all that power

had started to make Cromwell's head Crom-swell!

HE CHUCKLES DRUM CRACK

He became Lord Protector,

but he was nothing like King Charles.

Except for being really stubborn - like King Charles.

Never, ever agreeing with Parliament and having it closed down -

like King Charles.

And using the army to rule the country -

like King Char... Do you know, hang on, he was a lot like King Charles!

And people were so used to having a king or queen, no-one really knew

what to call Cromwell and his wife, Elizabeth, or how to treat them.

The King has gone, but Parliament is incapable of ruling.

I take this title with a heavy heart.

Yes, Your Majesty.

Did you say "Majesty"? Please don't call me that.

Sorry, Your Maj... Er, er, I mean, General.

Listen, I'm not going to become a king myself. We discussed this.

Absolutely.

There's no point killing King Charles and replacing him with King Oliver.

-That's not what we fought a war over.

-Absolutely.

We all agree with you 100%, your...highness?

That one's OK.

-Oh, it would be nice to be Queen.

-Elizabeth...

Er, I'm sorry, you're absolutely right, Oliver.

You shall be Lord Protector and nothing else.

-Mmm.

-As you say, Lady Protectress.

Ooh, I like that!

So, are we all agreed?

Absolutely - you are definitely not becoming king. Now...

could we proceed with the ceremony? We need you to sit on the throne...

the chair of state.

-Not a throne, it's just a chair.

-It had better be.

Did he just bow?

I believe he was just checking his flies, Your Majesty.

FANFARE

Hmm. These look a bit royal.

Oh, no, just a few things to make it official, Your Maj...

your Major Lord Protector-ness.

Well, I suppose we do need to keep up appearances.

A few symbols of leadership won't hurt,

just as long as there's no crown.

Cap of maintenance, not...not crown. It's completely different.

Now, just so we're under no illusion here, I am not agreeing to be king at all!

I will not look like the King and I will not act like the King. Is that understood?

Yeah, whatever.

Noted.

Good.

Now, if you could move our things into the Palace of Whitehall.

Yeah, want to start redecorating.

Um, isn't that where the King used to live?

Well, we've got to live somewhere.

Huh, yes, Your Majesty(!)

Don't push it.

Cromwell was a Puritan, and their strict views

meant that lots of things people enjoyed got banned.

Bo-ring!

OK.

Hey, Cromwell's Britain. It's me, NoMerit Vynall.

Yes, it's my real name and yes, my little brother is called FearGod.

Puritan parents, right?

-Stop it, FearGod!

-I told you!

Anyway, I'm back with my top five of what's hot right now in entertainment.

OK. Number five - horse racing!

It's great, right?

You can race or...or just hang out with your friends.

Only you can't, because Cromwell's banned it.

He says, "Royalists might be meeting at the event."

Unbelievable. I mean, he even enjoys racing himself.

OK, number four in my entertainment countdown.

Stop, don't follow me, FearGod, you'll ruin the surprise!

The theatre! Everyone loves a play, right?

Not Oliver. He's closed down most of the theatres.

He says, "Royalists might be meeting there, too."

OK, number three... Now!

Football! Yay!

-Nay.

-GLASS SHATTERS

WHISTLE BLOWS

Apparently, we should be thinking about heaven instead, or something.

If you get caught playing on a Sunday,

they'll whip you - with whips!

OK, number two - dancing!

Only, guess what?

So, that's no horse racing, no theatre,

no football and no dancing.

Oh, well, there's always Christmas.

That is my number one thing to do for entertainment

in Cromwell's Britain.

Only, guess what? You can't do that, either!

The Christmas decorations, food and games part, anyway.

So, what's hot in the Commonwealth?

Nothing! Why did they bother banning work on Sundays?!

There's nothing else to do!

Me again, er, not feeling so great.

Probably going to snuff it soon.

COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

Oh, dear.

So, I'd better name my replacement for when I go.

But who did I choose to be the new Lord Protector?

SPLUTTERS

The answer is A.

Even though I'm definitely, definitely not a king,

I am appointing my son as heir, just like a king does.

What? No, it's not the same thing!

Oliver Cromwell died of pneumonia in 1658,

when he was 59 years old.

And after all that bother, just two years later,

King Charles I's son took back the country,

restored the monarchy to power and was crowned King Charles II.

What a turnaround.

I wonder what Cromwell thinks about that?

# Chatty Death, Chatty Death

# My grisly interviews

# Chatty Death, Chatty Death

# They're dead and famous too! #

So I said to the waiter, "I'm dead famous, you know?

"Cos I'm famous and I'm dead!"

DEATH LAUGHS

Oh, don't all corpse at once.

Don't all corpse...oh, whatever!

-Welcome to... Too late now!

-WIND HOWLS

-Shut your lids!

-WIND CEASES

Welcome back to Chatty Death.

Please put your hands together for our next guest,

the former Lord Protector of England, Oliver Cromwell!

So, Olly. Olly, Olly, Olly, Olly, Olly. Can I call you Olly?

Cool, cool. Olly it is. Thanks for coming on the show.

Didn't really have any choice, so...

Anyway, after you died, your body wasn't looked after properly,

so had to be buried in secret, because you smelt so bad!

What's that?

-Oliver what? Oliver Strongsmell!

-DRUM CRACK

Very good! He's good, this kid!

DEATH LAUGHS

So, tell me, Olly, how would you like to be remembered?

Well, I suppose as someone who did what needed to be done.

I'll admit I did some pretty horrible things along the way.

But it was a small price to pay to make sure that the monarchy

would never again rule this country.

Mmm!

Do you want to tell him, or shall I?

No, you tell him, it's a bit embarrassing.

-All right, I'll tell him.

-Tell me what?

Oh, it's just a little thing about Charles I's son coming back,

being crowned King Charles II.

Murdering virtually everyone who signed his dad's death warrant

and having your corpse dug up and beheaded.

What else is there?

Oh, yeah, and the monarchy's still ruling in Britain today.

Hardly worth mentioning, really.

Any famous last words?

SPLUTTERS

Argh!

Anyway, that was Oliver Cromwell, everyone.

Sorry, what's that?

Oliver Pongwell! Not as good, mate.

Oliver Pongwell is not as good.

# Chatty Death, Chatty Death

# Hope next time it's not you! Hoo-hoo! #

# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts

# The ugly truth, no glam or glitz We showed you all the juicy bits

# Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel

# Stuff they don't teach you at school

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed

# Horrible Histories. #