Tricky Queen Vicky Special Horrible Histories


Tricky Queen Vicky Special

Historical sketch show. Young Queen Victoria marries her true love Albert and has to put up with the open sewers at Buckingham Palace.


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Transcript


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# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Fighting Frenchmen, vile Victorians

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# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

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# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

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# Smashing Saxons, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

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# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless

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# Normans, savage fierce and toothless

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# Civil wars, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

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# Gory stories, we do that

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# And your host, a drumming rat

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# The past is no longer a mystery

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# Welcome to...

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# Horrible Histories. #

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Horrible Histories presents...

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SINGS:

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When her uncle William IV died in 1837, Victoria became Queen.

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Not just of Great Britain and Ireland,

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but of all the countries across the world that Britain also ruled -

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called the British Empire.

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And did you know, she was only 18 years old at the time?!

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Good day!

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My lords, ladies and gentlemen...the Queen.

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FANFARE

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A new age is dawning.

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Good start.

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A Victorian age, if you will.

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Catchy.

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I look forward to an age of industry.

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Impressive.

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An age of empire.

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Excellent.

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An age where Britain is the greatest power for good in the world.

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Global, nice.

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I want to hear of great explorations and inventions...

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Innovative.

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..of education, philosophy, arts and medicine.

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Marvellous.

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I want our armies and navies to be the envy of the world.

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But mostly...

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I just want, like, an hour to myself.

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Like, seriously... I've not yet been alone my whole life.

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There are people who go to the toilet with me.

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It's, like, totally gross!

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-Gross.

-Gross.

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Well, I'm in charge and I'm Queen, so they can't say no.

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Oh, my, Little Drina has grown up.

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Stop calling me Little Drina!

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I am Queen Victoria.

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Sorry.

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And I don't want to share my bedroom with my mother any more.

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And that's another thing...

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-SCREECHES:

-I want my own bedroom!

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That's it. Thank you.

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Well, everybody's got to start somewhere.

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Somebody needs a nap.

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Who?

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-Victoria.

-Oh.

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Little Drina became Queen Victoria.

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And romance came shortly after,

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when the young Queen met a real-life Prince Charming -

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a German prince called Albert.

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Oh, ja, bitte.

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This week in Then Magazine's

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Queen Victoria wedding and honeymoon special...

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Meet the new man in Vicky's life.

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According to her diary,

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the part of Prince Albert

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that Victoria finds most attractive is...

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...his throat.

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Not that I've read her diary.

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Ogle at our snaps of Albert's naked neck.

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See our exclusive photo story of the loving couple's wedding.

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Let your heart melt as Prince Albert sails to England

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to be with his love.

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Also, we reveal the story of their honeymoon in Windsor Castle.

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The pictures they don't want you to see.

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She got a headache...

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Er, darling?

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Ze art!

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..he got all faint because it was past his bedtime

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and he hadn't had his tea yet.

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Argh!

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And they jacked it in after three days

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so Vicky could get back to work.

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Also take a peek behind the scenes

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at the newlywed couple's first royal photoshoot.

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OK, your royal highnesses, about to take the photograph now, so...frown!

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Read Then Magazine...

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The biz! The goss! The pics!

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The enlightening historical insights!

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HOOTER

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Queen Victoria and Prince Albert became the first royal couple

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to live at Buckingham Palace in the middle of London.

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But unlike today, it wasn't quite the palace of luxury you might expect.

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Good day!

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Hi, I'm Queen Victoria

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and I want to show you how the other half lives...like me.

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This is Vicky's Palace Secrets.

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Buckingham Palace, in the heart of bustling London.

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This is my favourite drawing room.

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We love it here, don't we, Albert?

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-Yeah...

-Albert, it's not about you!

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Although there are over 600 rooms here,

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you're never too far from a friend,

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because this place is absolutely infested with rats.

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SQUEAKING Oh, goodness...

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Oh! Albert! What are you like?!

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-Ahem...

-Every time. Every time!

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Ninny!

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Also, the chimneys fill the rooms with smoke,

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so the fires can't be too big, so it's freezing.

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Which is perfect, because the cold is good for you.

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Isn't that right, Albert?

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Well, er...

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-Albert!

-Mm, ah...

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And the bracing atmosphere hasn't put off my esteemed guest,

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the Shah of Persia...

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He's just through here...

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-BLEATING

-Have you done it again?

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Shah.

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Have you sacrificed another sheep in here? You have, haven't you?

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-Shah. Shah.

-Oh, you're so weird!

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So weird.

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I adore this room, because it overlooks our beautiful garden,

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which you...can't see because of all the London smog.

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But we must still have the windows open,

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because fresh air is vital for health...

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COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

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Oh, please excuse the smell.

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The sewage from the bathrooms empties into the courtyard.

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Isn't that right, Albert?

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Talk about the royal "we"! Ha-ha!

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Argh!

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Oh! Oh! Oooh! Oooh!

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And after a long day, in the palace,

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I come to my bedroom to relax.

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Ooh! The boy Jones.

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He's always sneaking in and trying to steal my pants!

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That's Victoria's secret.

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They were my lucky pants.

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Albert!

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-What is it, darling?

-Time for your bit.

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Oh, danke... Ahem...

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Buckingham Palace is...

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-Oh, sorry, we've run out of time.

-SQUEAKING

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Oh, oh, oooh! Oooh...

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I do hope you've enjoyed your visit.

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Get up.

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Get up...

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SINGS:

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Please, Liebchen, you know I don't like surprises.

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They make me go all giddy.

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But, Albert, my dear angel, it is your birthday.

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What do you think would please you most?

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Oh, are you going to put ze heating on?

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-No.

-Oh.

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Much better than that! I have a painting for you.

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Oh, not another obscene one?

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Zat picture of the shepherdess you gave me last year...

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Oh, just to think on it, it makes me go light-headed. Oh...

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It was rather good, wasn't it?

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But, Frauchen, you could clearly see her ankles.

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Female beauty is a natural thing -

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and you know how I adore the painted form.

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Please, please, my little Stollen cake,

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promise me that it won't be another picture of a scantily clad stranger?

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My heart could not take it. Kaput it will go!

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I promise.

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-Thank ze heavens.

-It is not a stranger.

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It is me!

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Oh! Ich bin ueberwunden.

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Victoria, what have you done?!

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It is rather jolly, isn't it?!

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Your hair - unbound! Your shoulders, they are bare!

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Und your neck, on view for the whole world...to see!

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Don't look directly at it.

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Outrageous! Scandalous!

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And that is not the only surprise

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I have for you.

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Vot next? A watercolour of the housemaid with her wrists showing?

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No, you silly sausage!

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A statue of you as a Greek soldier has arrived.

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Ah, now zat is bound to be a much more sombre and noble piece of art.

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Mein Augen! I am scandalised.

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Ze high tunic, it reveals my ankles, my knees und...

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one might even catch a glimpse of my...lower thigh!

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Oh!

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-Oh...

-Oh!

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Victoria and Albert were happily married for 20 years

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and had nine children.

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Yes, nine! That's a lot of poopy nappies!

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However, Victoria's beloved Albert

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fell ill from a disease called typhoid.

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The doctors couldn't help him and poor Albert died aged just 42.

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Queen Victoria took his death very badly

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and mourned him for the rest of her life.

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Always dressing in black

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and famously growing more and more grumpy the older she got.

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Now, being a doctor in Victoria's time was tricky

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as there were lots of different opinions on how to treat patients.

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Let's just say some doctors really weren't afraid

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to get their hands dirty.

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Mrs Carver, isn't it?

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Yes, is Dr Hannity not available?

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Er, he was called away urgently on a very important yoga retreat.

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I'm Dr Morgan, a Victorian surgeon. In fact, one of the best.

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A Victorian? That's not a good start.

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Oh, shush, Milo, look how smartly dressed he is.

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Now, Milo, you need an operation on your leg, correct?

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Yeah.

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Excellent. Well, let's get started.

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So tall, isn't he?

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Look at me, look at you...

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-Hang on, is that blood?

-Yes. And pus.

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And, er, possibly blueberries - had some pudding.

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No, that's brains.

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But, as they say, a filthy coat is the sign of a busy surgeon.

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It's the sign of a weirdo! Mum, let's go!

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Now Milo, to start off with, I just need to punch you right in the face.

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-What?

-I need to knock you out for the operation.

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Trust me, you don't want to be conscious.

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Also, to be honest, it's a little hard

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-to concentrate with people sort of screaming.

-If he hits me, I'll sue.

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Try and relax.

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These hands would not be caked in blood, pus and, er...

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I think that might be some poo - if I didn't know what I was doing...

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DOOR SLAMS

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I'm so sorry about him.

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-SHE SNIFFS

-Have you just...?

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Um... No, it's the poo on the jacket.

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Oh!

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PFFRRT That was me.

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Now, great medical progress was made during my reign

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and I was a bit of a pioneer, too.

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What was I the first queen to do?

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The answer is A.

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I gave birth to my eighth child, little Prince Leopold,

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whilst sedated thanks to chloroform.

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Of course, if you haven't got anaesthetic to put you to sleep,

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you could always listen to my Prime Minister, William Gladstone,

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talking about politics.

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Terrible man. He dares to have his own opinions?!

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How rude!

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It's true, Victoria was never glad to see Mr Gladstone.

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She was much happier when he was replaced by Benjamin Disraeli,

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who came up with a cunning plan to cheer up moany old Vicky.

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Yes, she was Queen of the British Empire,

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but now the British were running India -

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Disraeli made her Empress of India too.

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Happy days.

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Well, no. Not really. Victoria remained as grumpy as ever.

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But, surely she might at least visit her new country?

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No, not blooming likely!

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INDIAN MUSIC

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# It's good to be boss and Queen Victoria

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# But what if all the world's other leaders ignore ya?

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# Rule the world's biggest empire But who does that impress

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# When even my own subjects don't know me as Empress?

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# Sort it, Disraeli you're PM in charge

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# I suppose if I had to I could tie it to the Raj

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# The plan, Your Highness Prevent your sense of injure

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# I hereby name you Empress of India

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# Empress of India That'll do me

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# Queen of the Ganges

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# Ruler of Karachi

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# Mother of Madras

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# Commander of Kashmir

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# All I say is...

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# I, I, I, I'm...

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# Staying here!

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# The vast land of India is all very well

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# But there's no place like home I prefer its smell

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# Don't you love Bombay spices

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# And the jewels of Hyderabad?

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# They are shipped to England

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# Go fetch them, I've been mad

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# That Indian famine's no fun for a newcomer

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# Prefer the Isle of Wight for my Indian Summer

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-# Calcutta's very nice

-With that I have no quarrel

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# Frankly, Benji, bread's buttered better in Balmoral

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# Empress of India

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# Title sounds good

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# Don't want to go there

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# Maybe you should?

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# Mysore, not sure

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# Won't go to Gujarati

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# That's a shame

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# There-ere-ere-ere's...

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# A fabulous party

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-RAPS: Bagpipers played tunes beyond compare.

-Hey!

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-Viceroy announced with guns fired in the air!

-Hey!

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-The Raj has jumped, gave the elephants a scare.

-Hey!

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-Stampeded killing natives, most unfair!

-Hey!

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-But the party didn't stop for a bit of blood and gore.

-Hey!

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-Thousands of leaders feast a week or more.

-Hey!

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-The biggest bally party you ever did see.

-Hey!

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There's only one thing that's missing - me!

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# Empress of India

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# Nothing would be finer

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# Own armfuls of Africa

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# And chunks of China

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# Queen of the world

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# Apart from Paris and Rome

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# Can't take her anywhere

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# I, I, I, I...I'm...

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# Staying home! #

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19th-century British India...

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Otherwise known as the Raj.

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A large group of provinces, forced together under British rule.

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And that's a total headache for the authorities.

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For example, how can they tax such a huge area

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with only a small number of tax officials...?

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Today, I've come to meet Ranjit,

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a man who's been helping to create a rather interesting solution.

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Ranjit, why don't you explain what's going on?

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We're planting a hedge.

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Fascinating.

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Can you give us any more details?

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We're planting a massive hedge.

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-Right.

-It's a massive, massive hedge.

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After several hours of this, Ranjit finally explained

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the British rulers' ambitious solution

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is to build a hedge 2,300 miles long right across India.

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When completed, the hedge will be so thick and thorny

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that people won't be able to get across it.

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The British then plan to build a series of crossing points.

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Each one guarded by soldiers and officials.

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People who pass through are taxed on their goods.

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I've come back to see Ranjit,

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to find out how the hedge is coming along.

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This hedge is nearly five metres deep and four metres high.

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Goodness.

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Can you picture a small hedge?

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Yes, I think so.

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Well, this is bigger. It takes 12,000 men to guard it.

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Do you know why?

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Because it's a big hedge?

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No.

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It's because it's a massive hedge.

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It's like the Great Wall of China, but with one crucial difference.

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It's a hedge?

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Better believe it!

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Love the hedge!

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Several years and one costume change later, I've come back to see Ranjit

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and find out how the hedge is progressing.

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Ranjit, an advantage of a hedge over a wall is that it grows by itself.

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So, it doesn't need constant rebuilding.

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It needs constant rebuilding.

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The storms blow it down, locals set fire to it, ants eat it.

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Hate the hedge.

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I see...

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What about stopping the smugglers?

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-Hi!

-You all right?

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Oi! Oi! See, they get past it all the time.

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They, they throw things over it.

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They, they float things past it in the rivers.

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They even get herds of camels to run at it, to break it down.

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Still, as a feat of engineering or gardening,

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it really is very impressive.

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It's just a massive hedge.

0:17:400:17:43

It's not even the kind that you can shape into amusing animals.

0:17:430:17:45

Look... Yah!

0:17:450:17:48

This is a rabbit. I made a rabbit.

0:17:480:17:51

When I first heard about the plans to create a great hedge of India,

0:17:510:17:55

-I was initially sceptical.

-Stupid...!

0:17:550:17:57

Of course, I was right, because I wear glasses.

0:17:570:17:59

Hate the hedge! Ah, gotcha!

0:17:590:18:02

Take that, you...

0:18:020:18:04

At the time, Queen Victoria's empire covered nearly a fifth of the world,

0:18:040:18:08

including India, Canada, New Zealand

0:18:080:18:11

and most of Africa - not all of it, she wasn't greedy.

0:18:110:18:15

Actually, she was. Britain even ruled Australia,

0:18:150:18:19

where an outlandish outlaw called Ned Kelly

0:18:190:18:22

was causing the police all kinds of problems.

0:18:220:18:25

By being bulletproof. Sounds wild.

0:18:250:18:29

Yep, it's time for another one of History's Craziest Fools!

0:18:290:18:33

Sometimes, yeah, there is a fine line between being a hero

0:18:400:18:44

and being as mad as a bag of foxes on roller skates. Yeah?

0:18:440:18:47

And this next fool has got to go down in history

0:18:470:18:50

as one of the most bravest, dangerousest,

0:18:500:18:52

craziest geezers that ever lived - apart from my cousin Brian.

0:18:520:18:56

It's the famous Australian outlaw, Ned Kelly.

0:18:560:18:59

This fool was around in the time of Queen Victoria,

0:18:590:19:02

and he was so crazy I sort of like him, actually.

0:19:020:19:05

Don't be an idiot, Ned!

0:19:050:19:07

You're surrounded, mate!

0:19:070:19:08

Taking on a whole Victorian police force

0:19:080:19:11

in home-made, bulletproof, body armour. Oh, no!

0:19:110:19:15

You're only making this worse for yourself!

0:19:150:19:17

Fire away! You're not going to hurt me.

0:19:170:19:19

Turns out, Ned's legs were not armoured.

0:19:190:19:21

But as Constable James Dwyer's about to find out...

0:19:210:19:25

his underpants were!

0:19:250:19:26

Check it!

0:19:260:19:28

-CLANG!

-Ow!

0:19:280:19:29

Metal grundies, mate!

0:19:290:19:31

They say Dwyer hopped about

0:19:310:19:32

like a demented, stricken kangaroo - which is Australian for fool, yeah?

0:19:320:19:37

History has taught us that fools can be well nasty.

0:19:370:19:41

They can be well nice, they can be zeros or even heroes.

0:19:410:19:45

But one thing's for sure, they are all crazy, bruv.

0:19:450:19:49

Until next time, stay away from stupid, all right?

0:19:490:19:53

NORMAL VOICE: My grandmother knits them...

0:19:550:19:57

and then I take them to Spitalfields and I sell them for a tenner each.

0:19:570:20:01

The Victorian era was a time of great invention

0:20:030:20:05

and one such brilliant idea was the bicycle.

0:20:050:20:08

It transformed the way people travelled.

0:20:080:20:10

Although not everyone thought it was a good idea.

0:20:100:20:14

Good day!

0:20:140:20:15

Jemima! Jemima! Wait up, my perfectly formed pot of loveliness.

0:20:150:20:19

Oh! A kiss, perhaps, for the only man in your life?

0:20:190:20:23

The only man in the village, more like.

0:20:230:20:24

Ah, incoming!

0:20:240:20:25

What is it, Dr Shadwell?

0:20:270:20:28

-I'm a very busy woman.

-Oh, well, three things.

0:20:280:20:30

One - will you marry me?

0:20:300:20:32

No.

0:20:320:20:33

Mm. Two - will you marry me?

0:20:330:20:34

Er, no!

0:20:340:20:36

And three, you appear to be wearing my trousers - will you marry me?

0:20:360:20:39

-Yes.

-Yes, you'll marry me?

0:20:390:20:41

Yes, I'm wearing your trousers.

0:20:410:20:42

I stole them from your washing line this morning.

0:20:420:20:44

Left you my skirt.

0:20:440:20:46

Mm, somewhat strange behaviour, my sweet trifle of desire.

0:20:460:20:49

Well, not really. I wanted to ride this bicycle.

0:20:490:20:51

If I wear that skirt I'll take off, like an owl.

0:20:510:20:54

Mm, not just any owl, my love.

0:20:540:20:55

The most wondrous of owls with the most kissable of beaks.

0:20:550:20:58

IMITATES AN OWL

0:20:580:20:59

Kissy, kiss, kiss!

0:20:590:21:01

I'm afraid I simply must go, Doctor.

0:21:020:21:05

I'm planning on riding to the next village today.

0:21:050:21:08

The next village? But that's miles away.

0:21:080:21:10

You surely won't make it without... (needing a tinkle.)

0:21:100:21:13

I will with my bicycle.

0:21:130:21:15

But aren't you worried you'll...

0:21:150:21:16

Faint? Buckle? Go doolally?

0:21:160:21:18

No. I've read your extensive list of Don'ts For Women Riders.

0:21:180:21:24

"Don't race. Don't coast.

0:21:240:21:27

"Don't criticise other people's legs."

0:21:270:21:29

Hmm...

0:21:290:21:30

"Don't scream if you meet a cow."

0:21:300:21:33

Don't develop bicycle face.

0:21:330:21:35

Bicycle face?

0:21:350:21:36

It's a real condition...

0:21:360:21:37

and not something I just made up to stop you from leaving.

0:21:370:21:40

It occurs when ladies like yourself try extra hard not to fall off

0:21:400:21:43

when riding a bike.

0:21:430:21:44

Regard.

0:21:440:21:46

Bicycle face.

0:21:460:21:47

Oh, ridiculous!

0:21:470:21:48

You look like a smashed crab!

0:21:480:21:50

Surely the most dashing of all smashed crabs, my sweet.

0:21:500:21:53

Er, kissy, kiss, kiss.

0:21:530:21:54

No, just the most smashed, with eyes like a bulging frog.

0:21:540:21:57

Ooh!

0:21:570:21:59

Ride safe, my love!

0:21:590:22:01

I won't!

0:22:010:22:02

And don't speak to any other men!

0:22:020:22:04

I will!

0:22:040:22:05

And, will you marry me?

0:22:050:22:06

Noooo! BELL RINGS

0:22:060:22:10

Now, I'm not sure why, but there seems to be

0:22:100:22:13

a bit of a craze for this newfangled bicycle thingy.

0:22:130:22:18

The strangest one I've seen has a very big front wheel

0:22:180:22:22

and a much smaller back wheel.

0:22:220:22:25

But do you know what it's called?

0:22:250:22:27

The answer is A, penny farthing.

0:22:380:22:42

Apparently, it's because the big wheel and the little wheel

0:22:420:22:45

are very different sizes, just like...pennies and farthings.

0:22:450:22:50

Personally, I prefer a three-wheeled tricycle.

0:22:510:22:56

It's much safer for those of us with queenly stature.

0:22:560:22:59

And, no, I'm not too short for a penny farthing.

0:23:000:23:04

It's the rest of you who are too tall.

0:23:040:23:07

Victoria died in 1901, aged 81 years old,

0:23:070:23:12

and was succeeded by her eldest son, Edward VII.

0:23:120:23:16

Yes, she may have been a tiny five foot tall, but at the time of

0:23:160:23:19

her death she had a big stature as the UK's longest-serving monarch. Mm.

0:23:190:23:25

She reigned for a whopping 64 years.

0:23:250:23:28

And in her lifetime there were huge advances, like photography,

0:23:280:23:32

telephones and railways.

0:23:320:23:34

Didn't Little Drina come a long, long way?

0:23:340:23:38

# Chatty Death, Chatty Death

0:23:410:23:43

# My grisly interviews

0:23:430:23:45

# Chatty Death, Chatty Death

0:23:450:23:47

# They're dead and famous, too! #

0:23:470:23:50

No, they don't make you look cool, Nigel.

0:23:500:23:53

You're indoors, mate.

0:23:530:23:54

Ooh! Welcome back!

0:23:540:23:57

Time for my next guest.

0:23:570:23:58

It's former Queen of the United Kingdom

0:23:580:24:01

and Empress of India, Queen Victoria!

0:24:010:24:05

WIND HOWLS

0:24:070:24:08

Don't mind them, love, they've been dead all week.

0:24:080:24:11

It's a pleasure to meet you, Vicky.

0:24:110:24:14

I must say, I've always been a fan.

0:24:140:24:16

Black clothes, grey hair, it's a cool look.

0:24:160:24:18

Thank you.

0:24:180:24:19

It's nice to meet someone else making black work for them.

0:24:190:24:22

Ooh, you're a charmer!

0:24:220:24:24

If I was alive, my cheeks would be bright red.

0:24:240:24:27

So, Vicky...how would you like to be remembered?

0:24:270:24:31

As the longest reigning monarch in British history,

0:24:310:24:34

in charge of one of the largest empires in the world.

0:24:340:24:38

Oops!

0:24:380:24:39

When modern people look at their British empire,

0:24:390:24:42

I want them to think of me.

0:24:420:24:44

(Hashtag awkward.)

0:24:440:24:46

Er, bit of a problem there, love - there isn't one.

0:24:460:24:49

-What?

-The Empire's gone.

0:24:490:24:51

It's finished. India, Egypt, all of it.

0:24:510:24:54

They run themselves now.

0:24:540:24:55

Really? Running it themselves?

0:24:550:24:58

Yeah. To be honest,

0:24:580:25:00

you're mostly remembered for being a bit of a misery guts.

0:25:000:25:03

"We are not amused," and all that.

0:25:030:25:06

Oh, I only said it once

0:25:060:25:09

and the opera I had just watched was rubbish.

0:25:090:25:12

See? You're always saying it!

0:25:120:25:14

Oh, but I WAS amused at other times.

0:25:140:25:17

I was amused by lots of things.

0:25:170:25:19

Ooh, like jokes?

0:25:190:25:21

Sometimes.

0:25:210:25:23

Good...um, er, er...

0:25:230:25:24

What's a corpse's favourite food?

0:25:240:25:27

Grave-y!

0:25:270:25:29

CYMBAL CLASH Grave-y!

0:25:290:25:31

That's a good one.

0:25:310:25:33

Oh, no, Vicky, it's TOMB much for me.

0:25:330:25:37

Tomb much - get it? Because you're dead, er, in a tomb.

0:25:370:25:42

TOMB much.

0:25:420:25:45

Mmm...

0:25:450:25:46

We are not amused.

0:25:460:25:49

Oh, yeah? Well, this'll amuse me.

0:25:490:25:51

Argh!

0:25:510:25:53

She's got no sense of humour.

0:25:540:25:55

None.

0:25:550:25:57

Big round of applause for Queen Victoria, everyone.

0:25:570:26:01

WIND HOWLS

0:26:010:26:04

Yeah, don't bother. Why change the habit of a lifetime?

0:26:040:26:06

# Chatty Death, Chatty Death

0:26:060:26:08

# Hope next time it's not you! Hoo-hoo!

0:26:080:26:11

# Tall tales, atrocious acts

0:26:130:26:14

# We gave you all the fearsome facts

0:26:140:26:15

# The ugly truth, no glam or glitz

0:26:150:26:17

# We showed you all the juicy bits

0:26:170:26:18

# Gory, ghastly mean and cruel

0:26:180:26:21

# Stuff they don't teach you at school

0:26:210:26:24

# The past is no longer a mystery

0:26:240:26:27

# Hope you enjoyed...

0:26:270:26:28

# Horrible Histories. #

0:26:280:26:32

A special episode of the historical sketch show about Queen Victoria, starring Sarah Hadland. We meet young Vicky as she becomes queen aged only 18, marries her true love Albert and has to put up with the open sewers at the not-so-luxurious Buckingham Palace. Meanwhile, across the world, we catch up with Australian outlaw Ned Kelly and discover plans for the Great Hedge of India. Yes, hedge! With, of course, our host Rattus to guide the way!


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