Wily Winston Churchill Special Horrible Histories

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# Horrible Histories. #

FANFARE

Horrible Histories presents...

SINGING

DRAMATIC FANFARE

The Diary Of A Winston Kid.

I'm here to tell you a story about one of the greatest heroes

this country has ever known.

Possibly one of the greatest heroes of all time.

-Me!

-CHUCKLES

It's the publishing sensation sweeping the nation.

"Daring adventures of young champion Churchill."

You see? You see it?

Yes, read about his boyhood days during the reign of Queen Victoria.

From humble beginnings in the family palace to adventure in Cuba.

The sunshine, the cigars!

Dreadful habit. Very bad for you.

The sleeping!

Winston!

Um...

tummy time?

Is it?

Read about his time in India.

Mixing with the locals, the army and, of course...

victory!

What do you say, Winston?

-Oi, Churchill!

-Pineapple chunks!

The sensational story of his time in South Africa during the Boer War -

imprisonment, escape, being shot at,

and ruining a perfectly good hat!

You won't be able to put it down!

Ahem!

SNORTS

Irish stew!

The Diary Of A Winston Kid!

Now, If there's one thing you must remember from this tale, it's...

SNORES

DIRECTOR: Oh, cut!

SINGING

When Winston Churchill bought the country house Chartwell for £5,000 -

a lot of dosh in 1922 -

he knew he was taking on a big project.

But I wonder if he realised just how big.

Unbelievably, Winston has decided to project manage the whole thing himself.

And hopes to be finished in just four months,

despite having never done anything like this before.

Oh, make yourself useful, will you?

He'll need all the support he can get, but is his wife on board?

You on? We're on?

I tell you now with great certainty that, if I told Clementine,

she'd only do one of her faces, so I didn't.

She'll love it when it's finished, though.

-CLEMENTINE: Winston...

-Hide!

..what's going on?

BLUEPRINTS RUSTLE

Behold...the house of our dreams.

And how much is all this going to cost?

Ask not how much this will cost, Clem,

for in these difficult times, the true value of our efforts...

£5,000.

Whose side are you on, man?

I love you so much right now.

SIGHS

Winston has been learning to bricklay in order to help with the build.

He even joined the bricklayers' union.

It's not the easy way to do things, but Winston insists it's working for him.

Whoa... Whoa!

CRASH

Did you touch it?

It's been several months since I was last here,

and Winston has hired the architect Philip Tilden

to help him construct the extension.

With an architect on board, things should move faster.

Argh!

Now you're gonna get it!

Unless, of course, they end up fighting.

Argh!

So, Winston, the house is built and the family can move in.

You must be delighted.

Yes, I told you it would be magnificent.

But you did go over budget.

You are this close...

How much extra did it cost?

Will we allow ourselves to be distracted from our vision

by petty financial concerns?

How much?!

£18,000.

Ooh!

You, sir, are a massive twerp!

Winston! You come here!

No! Oh!

Let me go, woman!

You know, when this project started, I have to admit, I had real concerns

that it would be over budget, over schedule

and would upset Winston's wife.

-Oh!

-Get out of here! Ooh!

Turns out I was right about all of that.

Right! I've had just about enough of you.

It's time to unleash...

the gorilla!

Ooh-ooh, aah-aah-aah! Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!

Winston got into plenty of scrapes when he was younger,

but nothing compared to this bloke.

The legendary soldier Adrian Carton de Wiart!

Hold that pose!

You know, Mr de Wiart, it is a huge honour for me

to paint a veteran of the recent Boer War in South Africa.

Er, excuse me but are you bleeding?

Yes. Took a bullet in the old picnic basket.

Oh!

God, there goes a stitch. Took one that side too.

Argh!

Can we do this another day?

Yes, OK.

So I understand you've been at war again?

Somaliland this time.

Climbed up a fort and got shot in the face.

Guess what happened next?

You got shot again?

Correct! In the arm this time.

Er, more importantly, make sure you get my broken polo stick.

Used to carry that on the battlefield

in case I had to beat my own men for cowardice.

Oh.

In fact, I should probably pose with it, something dynamic like, er...

-leg up, swing...

-CRUNCH

Ooh! Any chance we could do this another day?

OK.

Battle of the Somme. Shot through the skull and ankle.

Passchendaele, hip blasted off.

-Cambrai, lost a leg. Ha!

-METALLIC CLANG

Still, managed to get the old Victoria Cross out of it.

-CLATTERING

-Blast!

One second.

-CRUNCH

-Argh! Urgh...

THUD

Any chance we could do this another day?

KNOCK ON DOOR

DOOR OPENS

Mr Carton de Wiart!

You can't have been fighting in the Second World War as well.

Well, they made a big song and dance about me being too old to command,

so I popped off to Yugoslavia as a diplomat.

My plane crashed and I had to swim a mile with one arm.

Eventually got picked up by the enemy and thrown in a prisoner of war camp.

Ended up tunnelling out using a spoon.

-Shall I pose here?

-Eh...

-Ooh!

-CRUNCH

Any chance...?

HEAVY THUD

Yes, we can do it another day.

It's true!

Adrian Carton de Wiart really did survive all those wars,

even if some bits fell off on the way.

Brave Churchill also survived the Boer War and World War I.

But in 1939, the Second World War began.

The British people needed a hero to lead them against the might of Nazi Germany.

A new Prime Minister.

The one and only Winston Churchill!

But there was no TV for Winston to get his message across.

Instead, Winston used the radio...

AS CHURCHILL: ..and the power of his voice.

FANFARE

Tom. Tom!

Ah! Tom Jones...

Let's go.

I'm here, I'm here!

'And now it's the turn of the new Prime Minister, Winston Churchill.

'Let's see if he can convince the three judges.'

-Ahem.

-MICROPHONE FEEDS BACK

We shall prove ourselves once again able to defend our island home.

To ride out the storm of war

and outlive the menace of tyranny.

If necessary, for years.

If necessary, alone.

-He sounds good, you should turn around.

-No, no, you turn!

Sounds like a bulldog with a sore throat. I like it!

PING She's off!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We shall not flag or fail.

We shall go on to the end!

-We shall fight in France.

-France is tight.

We shall fight on the seas and oceans.

The sea is the bomb! Man, oceans are fresh!

PING

Fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air.

Come on, Tom!

Come on, he's fresh!

He's World War II m-m-m-mega fresh!

He's much better than that shouty German with the moustache who was on last week.

Adolf What's-His-Face.

He's one to watch out for.

We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds...

I don't live near any beaches or landing grounds.

It's all fields and streets and hills from around my way.

We shall fight in the fields and in the streets.

We shall fight in the hills.

That's more like it, boyo! Yeah!

PING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We shall never surrender!

Come on, let's fight them Germans!

'And he's got all three to turn!

'Incredible performance from Mr Churchill.

'This man really has got The Voice.'

Never in the field of human conflict has one man flipped the script

and made it quite his own like I did just then.

Word to ya mummy.

Although Winston proved to be a great leader,

life was tough for ordinary people during the war.

Food rationing was introduced,

meaning everyday ingredients often weren't available.

So people had to make do with whatever they could find,

which often wasn't very much.

-I'm Paul.

-I'm Mary...

I'm Paul Jollygood Keep-On-Smiling Stiff-Upper-Lip We'll-Meet-Again.

And I'm Mary Very Fond Of Winston Churchill.

Let's see how our bakers have been getting on in the party...

-In the party food round.

-..in the party food round.

You, little common man, what have you made?

Some lovely chocolate truffles and no mistake.

Oy-yup!

Mmm, my favourite.

Where on earth did you find the ingredients with a war on?

I did have to adapt the recipe.

See, I didn't have no chocolate, nor cream, nor butter.

No, I didn't, ma'am. Whoooa, love a duck, see!

-So how...

-So what have you...

So what have you used?

I used carrots instead.

-Carrots.

-So you've used...

carrots and carrots...with carrots?

Oh, yes, there's no shortage of carrots. No, there isn't.

Voila!

And chocolate truffles!

Mmm, carroty.

You can make almost anything out of carrots.

I'm talking a lovely carrot tart.

-Ooh!

-Some carrot fudge - get in!

Carrot jam - nailed it! Carrot soup - tick!

Carrot lollies. Are you serious? Here we go, for the kids at home.

GAGS

Right, I think we've had quite enough of carrots.

Let's take a look at your Showstopper Challenge.

Cor, blimey, that's what I like to call...

the pineapple surprise!

Is the surprise that it's carrots?

Oh, you ruined it!

Huh, there's no flies on you, love, is there?

Know what I mean?

MUZAK PLAYS

DISTANT GUNFIRE PLANE ENGINE ROARS

MUZAK PLAYS

DISTANT GUNFIRE

PLANE ENGINE ROARS

Argh!

Argh! Argh!

All right!

Oh, go away! I'm trying to do a poo!

Then I'm just in time!

Major General William Donovan,

leader of the United States Army Morale Operations Branch, sir!

Look, can this wait?

Cos I know I can't.

That's why I'm here. I'm gonna give you a chance

to show Adolf Hitler exactly what you think.

You don't even need to stand up.

-It's got Hitler's face on it.

-LAUGHS

And we just dropped 300,000 sheets of that all over occupied France and I-tal-ee!

-Hoo!

-HAWKS AND SPITS

Why?

Psychological warfare!

-Or should I say...dirty tricks!

-LAUGHS

We're gonna wipe the floor with these guys.

And not just the floor, if you hear what I'm saying.

-Yeah, I hear what you're saying.

-Do you hear what I'm saying?

I understand what you mean. And you know what?

I don't need to go now. So thanks - you've ruined it!

You've ruined the one thing in the day that I love to do.

Thanks a lot.

Ridiculous!

Hey, come on, wipe the smile off his face!

One last push...

Argh! Ooh!

So then, we are at war with Germany and her allies

and to win wars, you need good ideas and new weapons.

Which I tried to help invent

in a laboratory known as Churchill's Toyshop.

CHUCKLES

But which of these three isn't a real World War II invention?

Is it...?

The answer, of course,

is A.

Tanks don't burrow. You're thinking of moles.

The floating tank is splendid,

as you can drive out of the sea, straight up the enemy beach!

Admittedly, the jumping tank doesn't work quite so well.

Well, not unless you like tanks that accidentally land upside down.

Oi! Wrong way, mate!

Yeah, Winston was a bit of an eccentric,

but he wasn't the only world leader who behaved in odd ways.

It's time for History's Craziest Fools.

Ah, this is nasty! There's a worm in me sock!

This period in history had so many crazy fools.

But what happens if one of the craziest

was also the British Prime Minister of Britain?

Stupid stuff happens, that's what!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Oi, who goes there?

-ZIPS UP

-Sorry, officer!

Just going for a pee.

It's D-Day. D for "don't show me," crazy chubby fool!

But Churchill ain't the only fool in charge of a country.

Here's the leader of the Soviet Union, Joseph Stalin.

This dude was mad, bad

and had the world's greatest cookie duster.

You may lead one of the world's military superpowers,

but you still needs a comfort break on a long journey, mate.

But, wait, there could be landmines in the bushes.

What's he gonna do?

Go in the middle of the road?

You're a crazy Russian fool!

Ahh...

But sometimes even the most inspirational people in history

are capable of seriously crazy behaviour.

No wonder the world is so messed up, and you know what?

That is deep for me.

This is the leader of Indian nationalism, who led Indian independence in 1947,

Mahatma Gandhi.

Now, he was wise, like Yoda.

But, like everybody else, he got old.

Like Yoda. Nothing crazy about that, is there?!

Oh, where are my walking sticks?

Ah...here they are! Oh...

Ah, yes. Ah!

That is not cool, bruv.

But what do you expect? I'm old.

At least I don't go in the road.

-What?

-Nothing!

Namaste. Namaste.

Left. Left a bit.

Good. Forward. Right a bit.

Oh, no, too much.

I don't know about you, yeah, but I've had enough foolishness for today.

But if history has taught us anything, yeah,

it's got plenty more where they came from.

Stay away from stupid! I'll see you next time.

All riiigght!

POSH VOICE: My latte's gone cold. Can you fix me another one, please?

Can you get me another latte?

Yes, Winston definitely had some unusual habits,

which meant working for him during the war could sometimes be a bit of a challenge.

KNOCK ON DOOR Enter!

Welcome to 10 Downing Street. I'm sure you'll fit right in.

Well, it was here or stay at the radioactive munitions plant, so...

Things are a bit different under Mr Churchill.

He rises at 8am and will want to see a report from the Map Room.

Here they are.

-Oh.

-And troop deployment summaries.

-STRAINS

-Oh!

And communications briefings.

Now, the good news is it's not too far to his office.

-Great!

-The bad news is these are going to his bedroom.

LAUGHS

He likes to read them while lying down.

8am, bedroom.

A-and then he comes downstairs after reading the reports?

No, he stays upstairs till early afternoon,

when he'll head down to the War Cabinet.

So what's he doing all that time?

Bath. In here.

He comes up with a lot of his speeches and ideas in the bath.

Pinkie.

You'll know he's finished when he starts blowing bubbles.

-BUBBLING

-Oh, so he's finished, then?

Yes, or he's just had baked beans for breakfast.

LAUGHS

Right. Then, um, after the War Cabinet?

-Back to bed.

-CHURCHILL: Tummy time?

-Er, excuse me.

-Oh.

So, after the War Cabinet, he's put to bed.

-Meetings if he's awake.

-Sorry, what happened to the...?

John had to go and look after Mr Churchill's tummy time.

Can't run a war on an empty stomach.

8pm is dinner then, at 10pm, he starts work.

He starts work?!

He starts work.

Although, by the time you're called on to take dictation, it'll be midnight.

Here's a pad and we're off!

Midnight?! Oh!

You again. What happened to...?

James? Tea break.

Right, he said something about midnight.

Ah, yes, we call them the midnight follies.

You could be working until about 3am.

And then he goes to bed?

Sometimes. Sometimes he gets an extra burst of energy.

So how will I know when the working day is finished?

He'll call for soup.

Soup?!

Soup...soup!

Oh...

Perfect soup!

And then I start work again at 8am.

Precisely!

Right, I might give the radioactive munitions plant a call.

Oh. Oh...

Whoa!

CRASH Argh!

Ooh, hang on, don't clear that up - I'll eat that later!

After six years of bitter fighting,

World War II ended in 1945 with victory for Britain and her allies.

Thanks, Churchill.

Then Winston was defeated in the general election and replaced as Prime Minister.

No, thanks, Churchill.

But even if the British public didn't fancy Churchill as a peacetime leader,

they would forever be grateful for his wartime heroism.

Thanks, old boy!

SLOW MELODY PLAYS

# In '44

# We turned the war

# D-Day made sure the foe retreated

# In '45

# Our troops survived

# But in the vote I am defeated

# The masses spoke, though victory's mine

# Chose some old bloke, ungrateful swine

# There goes my power

# What should have been

# My finest hou-ou-ou-ou-our

# Back in '36

# I tried to fix

# The mad idea Hitler was charming

# Then in '38

# Though I gained weight

# So did my case for re-arming

# In my modest way told all I was right

# But lacked support, had to sit tight

# Till '39

# Justice was mine

# Their finest hou-ou-ou-ou-our

# Though often feared

# That we might lose

# I kept my faith

# Words well I'd choose

# Time to bear and endure

# Never surrender

# Blood, toil, tears and sweat

# We'll go on to the end

# Was never so much

# Owed to so few

# Their finest hou-ou-ou-ou-our

# I brought us through

# Expected you

# Would thank me too

# And show affection

# But victory

# And love for me

# Did not extend to the election

# Defeating Hitler, we had to fight

# Defeating me, ballot box sufficed

# That's what we killed for

# What blood was spilled for

# Your finest hou-ou-ou-ou-our

# I won the war

# But lost the peace

# I can't complain

# My life did not cease

# The only cross

# Was one you wrote

# Your brothers died

# So you could vote

# Didn't just beat me

# You beat tyranny

# Your finest hou-ou-ou-ou-our! #

You know me as Winston Churchill

and my wife is the lovely Clementine Churchill,

but those are our official names.

At home, what do we call each other?

Is it...?

Hmm.

Well, the answer is B.

She's my Cat and I'm her Pug, or sometimes Mr Pig.

Yeah, it's fun to have nicknames for the person you love,

just as it's fun to sit with them and chat about things.

Even if those things are a bit confusing for an old chap like me.

In the year when Match Of The Day started and The Beatles were top of the charts,

Winston and Clementine enjoyed lots of great telly.

NEWSREEL: It's Bank Holiday Monday 1964, but no fun in the sun for holiday-makers,

as mods and rockers clash on the beaches of Brighton.

What on earth are they?

Those are Mods, Pug. They're all the rage.

They wear suits and ride motor scooters and listen to soul and blues music.

Why are they at war? Have the mods invaded Hastings?

Should I address the nation?

They're just young people looking for fun, Pug.

To think, we fought two world wars

so this lot could fight on the beaches.

You asked people to fight on the beaches.

Not for fun, I didn't!

Certainly not because some chap wears the wrong-shaped shoes.

SIGHS

What else is on?

Oh, why don't we have a look at that new channel?

BBC Two.

Two?!

There's two BBCs?!

Ugh, whatever next?

BBC Three, BBC Four,

-Children's BBC...

-PING

Shhh! Look, it's The Beatles. Even you must have heard of them.

Look like a bunch of wastrels and baboons if you ask me.

Ha!

Bingo!

CHUCKLES

Choccy biccy for Winnie's tummy time.

Er...

Oh, covered in fluff.

I like the fluff.

So, Winston Churchill died in 1965, at the grand old age of 90.

He'd lived from Victorian times right up to the Swinging '60s,

fought in India, World War I

and led the country to victory in World War II.

Take a bow, Mr Churchill!

# Chatty Death, Chatty Death

# My grisly interviews

# Chatty Death, Chatty Death

# They're dead and famous too! #

No, I don't know how anyone can accuse you of being spineless, Nigel.

I mean, I can literally see your spine! It's right there!

Ha-ha-ha! Are we on?

Right, who's next?

Ooh, goodie!

Please put your hands together

for former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Winston Churchill!

So, Winston, how does it feel to be dead?

I've faced death a great many times.

It holds no mysteries for me.

All right, mate, keep it light. It's a family show.

-I'm an old man. I'm very tired.

-You're tired?!

You should try working in show business, mate!

I'm dead on my feet!

CYMBAL CRASH Ha! Get it?

WIND WHISTLES

Is there a reason I'm here?

All right mate, don't get shirty. It's my show!

So, Winnie, now you're deadie, how do you think you'll be remembered?

I led Great Britain to victory against the Nazi foe,

with decisive tactics

and some of the most inspirational speeches of all time,

saving our great nation in its darkest hour.

We fought them on the beaches...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know, we've all done that before, haven't we?

Have you?

Well, er...no.

But, um, Nigel here's very brave.

He was just telling me about how he fished a spider from his eye socket.

So, am I as well-loved as I deserve to be?

You were a bit weird

but, to be fair, you're considered the greatest Prime Minister of all time

and one of the greatest ever Britons.

Sweet.

On the other hand, no smoking!

Argh!

Filthy habit. It'll kill him.

Oh, it's too late!

GUFFAWS

I'm smoking tonight!

Smoking with jokes.

My jokes are smoking, not me.

# Chatty Death, Chatty Death

# Hope next time it's not you!

# Hoo-hoo! #

That's all for you.

-And that's for me.

-Oh.

LAUGHTER

Have we...? Have we cut?

LAUGHTER

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed...

# Horrible Histories.