Historical sketch show. British Queen Boudica turns against her Roman masters and unleashes her wrecking ball on Colchester, St Albans and London.
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# Horrible Histories. #
Horrible Histories presents... Bolshy Boudica.
Boudica was Queen of the Iceni tribe from East Anglia
and during the time of her rule in 60 AD, large bits of Britain
were under the control of the Roman Empire.
Now, Boudica might've become an enemy of the Romans,
but she wasn't always like that -
in fact, when she was younger, she was really a bit of a fan.
In this week's Ave Magazine,
she's the fit Brit It girl doing it like a Roman.
I'm Queen Boudica of the Iceni tribe
and I'm going to tell you why I think Rome is totes amazing.
I've give you all my style secrets.
No, that's just not Roman enough.
I'll give it I out of V stars.
Mmm, sweet berry juice.
Don't worry girls, I've not gone mad -
rosy Roman cheeks are all the rage,
but Roman life isn't all jewels and rosy cheeks.
No! No, make it stop!
Seriously, the plucking can really - ouch - hurt,
but if I'm going to follow Roman fashions -
ouch - it's all got to go.
-And an Ave exclusive -
the secret of Boudica's
incredible wealth revealed.
So, basically, I buy Roman stuff with Roman money
Romans gave my husband, King Prasutagus,
not to attack Romans.
When it comes to shopping, Rome is where the heart is!
Lesley, can you get me some berry juice please?
Catch it now!
Boudica might not have thought the Romans were so cool
if she knew they could also be cruel,
and over in Italy, one Roman was doing a pretty good job
of being the cruellest and the craziest -
Emperor Caligula, another one of history's craziest fools!
-Hey, get out of my way!
Oh, my gosh, there's a chicken in the garage!
The ancient world was a proper scary place to live, bro.
The last thing they needed was crazy fools in high places,
but that's exactly what they got!
'This is Roman Emperor Caligula. When Boudica was young,
'he ran the most powerful empire the world had ever seen,'
but he liked nothing more than goofing around
and making people feel awkward,
-'and here he is watching a play...'
Clap or I'll kill you.
I won't, I won't, I'm joking, I'm kidding.
No, I will kill you.
'Oh, he's so mean,'
he makes me feel a bit itchy.
It annoyed Caligula that the nobles tried to suck up by claiming
they thought he was like a God or something - idiots.
So, he thought he'd teach them a lesson by pretending to be one.
You see? You've walked right into his big hairy trap.
I am Venus...
Why are you not driven mad?
'Roman custom states that mortal minds'
would go totally crazy if they met a real God
'so what are these fools going to do?'
Are you saying I'm not a God?
'Think fast, fools, he will totally kill you.'
THEY HOWL AND GIBBER
Ah-ha! It's a prank, dudes.
I'm totally joking with you.
Do you not like your emperor's joke?
-Laugh harder or I'll kill you.
-Ah, I'm kidding.
I'm totally kidding. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
-I'm not. I will actually kill you.
He's playing games, yeah. He's, like, messing with your heads
and he's messing with mine. I can't...I can hardly see.
No wonder Caligula became the first Roman emperor to be assassinated.
Until next time, stay away from stupid.
Is it here? Is my car here?
I need to go to Covent Garden.
Back in England, Boudica and her husband Prasutagus
had that deal with the Romans -
we won't attack you if you won't attack us
and we'll even pay you not to. Oh, that's nice.
So, when Prasutagus died, Boudica was sure
mighty Rome would look after her...
Oops! Her bad.
The death of my husband King Prasutagus has been deeply felt
but at least we know he's left enough cash to look after us
and the Iceni tribe for years to come.
Erm, yes, actually, about the will...
Oh, shabby chic, should be worth a few sestertii.
Excuse me, do you mind?
Not at all, carry on.
Some of this stuff is just ghastly.
VASE SMASHES All right, sorry, who are you?
Decianus Catus, the Roman representative in this region, so...
Oh, yes, I could tell you were Roman.
-Oh, I love everything Roman...
-Oh, thank you.
-The thing is,
sort of in the middle of reading my husband's will at the moment,
maybe you could come back later?
Oh, no, I'm here for the will too, yeah, so, carry on, hombre.
Yes, erm, I'm afraid your husband King Prasutagus...
has left everything to the Romans.
Oops! Just smashed another one of my pots.
This can't be right,
my husband's going to leave everything to our daughters.
Yeah, we heard about that and all decided, "Na."
You can't do this.
Actually, erm, they can.
That's the deal with all our client kings, love.
Honestly, what it is with Celts not reading the small print?
-Well, they can't read, so...
-So, we're going to take all the
treasure with us today, if that's OK?
And if it's not OK, that's OK too.
This is all wrong. Rome is meant to be fair and cultured and civilised.
You can't take everything. What about my daughters?
-Good point, we'll take them too.
-Hang on a minute.
Oh, we'll be in touch
-about the rest, erm...
..and oh, I'm sorry for your loss, etc, etc.
On the bright side, Rome has got all your stuff,
including your daughters...
and you like Rome.
-I hate Rome!
-A bit fickle.
TRUMPET BLARES I will destroy them.
Oh-ho-ho-ho, you throw like a dude!
I love being a Celt.
So, left with nothing,
Boudica turned against her cruel Roman masters
but she wasn't the only Briton feeling fed up - lots of her
fellow Celts didn't get on with their new Roman neighbours either.
Rhonda, it's more flipping Romans.
Oh, all right?
-I'm Rhonda, this is Colin.
I'm Caius, this is my wife Flavia, we've just moved in next door.
-Get out of it!
The guide book said that kissing on the nipples
was a traditional greeting for you Celts.
That's only if you're
royalty, like what Boudica is.
So, anyway, erm, we were hoping to talk about your garden.
The garden, the outside bit round the back of the hut?
Gordon must be Roman for toilet.
I'll get you a drink.
-Come on, don't mind the smell.
Oh, that's lovely.
Dead people, that explains the smell.
Well, part of it.
Yeah, they're all family.
Are you not going to bury them?
No, well, we like to leave them here
for the birds to pick away their skin and organs...
You know what I mean?
Yeah it's how we Celts say goodbye,
less of a wrench.
And it's lovely to be able to stand by your kitchen window
and watch the bluetits nibble on a bit of spleen.
Yeah, the thing is, we want to put a mosaic in our garden just
over there and the smell, it's...
-Here we go.
This used to be a Celtic area.
Yeah, you said you wouldn't lose your temper.
Then you lot move in and suddenly everyone's building mosaics
and having baths - which is disgusting, by the way.
So, erm, what, what brings you here?
Well, I came over here when we invaded Britain in '43 and...
I thought I recognised you - your legion killed our mates.
Yes, that's right, and now our time in the army's up
they've given us some of your land as a reward.
Ooh, erm, well, but we should put it behind us and be friends.
-No reason why we can't be...
Mosaic off out of our garden and take your tiny tiles with you!
Clear off out of here!
Well done, Colin, you really kept a lid on your anger, didn't you?
Sorry, I forgot to say, I'm actually doing a spot of tax collection...
Tax? Go on, get out of it.
Get out! Shoo!
Ah, get away! Leave us in peace.
Just for the record, I've not lost my temper so that's it.
Ah, get away!
They were nice, weren't they?
With the Romans stealing the Celts' lands and forcing everyone to
pay taxes, they weren't exactly everyone's favourite invaders,
so when Boudica said,
"Anyone fancy joining my army and bashing loads of Romans?"
It's no wonder plenty of Celts said, "Not half!"
Roman Britain was about to get bashed up, Boudica-style.
You know, here in Roman times, it's normally all columns
and forums and mosaics, but today, I've come to meet a young woman
with a project that's a little out of the ordinary.
She's called Boudica,
and she has an historical grand design
for the impressive Roman city of Colchester.
Boudica, Colchester has only just been built
but you're planning to make changes already?
Erm, yes, Kevin. What we're looking to do is basically knock through.
Well, no, that's it. We're going to just knock through everything
and then we're going to set fire to it!
I imagine a project like this might raise a few eyebrows with
the actual residents of the city.
-Have any locals complained?
-SWORDS CLANG AND MEN YELL
Yes, it's a controversial project
but we've managed to cut through a lot of red tape...
and limbs and veins and so on.
The big question - budget.
How much is this massive job going to cost?
EXPLOSION AND YELLING
Oh, it's going to cost anything at all.
I am pumped!
Boudica has an innovative finance plan,
stealing the Roman residents' property
and selling the Romans themselves into slavery. In fact,
she's so full of confidence and bitter revenge,
she's already planning two similar projects in London and St Albans
and if they go well, who knows where it might end?
You know, I was sceptical when I first heard about this project
but true to her word,
Boudica has destroyed the entire town in just a few days,
and her design for Colchester certainly works seamlessly
with the local countryside,
because that's all that will be left -
-SWORDS CLANG AND MEN YELL
You know, there's not many people that will see what Boudica did here
who won't think she's pulled off something rather special.
Apart from, of course, the Romans,
but you don't exactly hear them complaining.
# Fine wine, designer Roman goods
# I owned a fancy stash
# But when my husband died
# The Romans cried, "Let's take his cash"
# Like a baby I had a little cry
# At this terrible stage
# But before too long I had turned this song
# Into a violent rage.
# And so I had to wreck 'em all
# Tear down every Roman wall
# Unleashed all my fury on
# Every Roman centurion
# I led a Celtic army
# And we smashed the Roman crew
# Took London, St Albans, Camulodunum
# That's Colchester to you
# Rather than end up dead Romans turned and fled
# From our uprising
# Their soldiers took flight
# Cowards found our fight unappetising
# And so I had to wreck 'em all
# Took no prisoners at all
# Burned those towns down to the ground
# Killed every Roman I found
# I never meant to start a war
# Actually that's not so,
# Just wanted every Roman to pack up their villa and go
# So Roman Britain starts to fall
# Shame I hadn't reckoned all
# These legions would arrive from Rome
# And we're fighting them for our homes
# Won't stop till I deck 'em all
# Every soldier, every general
# My plan was just to go berserk
# And wrecking seems to work, to work, to work
# To work, to work, to work. #
Oi, oi, Queen Boudica here, and I've got a quiz question for you.
We Celts love sacrificing animals to the gods and eating them
for our dinner, but which animal is sacred to my tribe, the Iceni?
The answer is C - horses.
We'll happily murder Romans or sacrifice other Celts
but Iceni wouldn't dare harm a lovely horse.
Oh, no, we'd much rather have pictures of them
engraved on our jewellery for good luck.
Of course, if a Roman was on a horse and the horse
got in the way of my sword...
Well, accidents do happen!
Meanwhile, over in Rome,
there was a new Emperor in charge called Nero,
and he soon heard about Boudica's rebellion in Britain -
although at first, he wasn't really that bothered.
# My name is Nero
# I'm a lyre hero
# Ooh. #
Oh, that was too much, ha-ha.
And upload to BooTube... Ha-ha.
Oh, no hits.
Hmm, right, OK...
Decianus Catus? What does he want?
Hail me. What's up, bro-heem?
Queen Boudica has unfriended you.
I thought she loved Rome?
All we did was nick all her money, wreck her house, flog her,
and torture her daughters -
and suddenly she's marching on Colchester
and slaughtering everyone.
She's heading to London!
Don't worry, I'm miles away.
I legged it to Gaul.
Erm, can I also get some nibbles?
Yeah, hail me. Erm, listen, Boudica's heading to London
and she's, like, totes enraged.
I know, I'm on my way to fight her -
just as soon as this foot-rub is finished.
Harder. Ah, watch the corns!
So you can... you can save London, yeah?
London and St Albans have had it
but after she's crushed those cities,
she's in a lot of trouble. This could be the battle that makes me famous.
Oh, this is too much like hard work.
I never liked the place anyway.
I'm pulling the army out of Britain. Hmm.
Someone's left a comment on my lyre hero page. Huh.
Lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, Boudica here!
You know, I'm the one trying to kick the Romans out of Britain!
Your playing was rubbish.
OMG, this is you, "My name's Nero, I'm a lyre hero.
"I wish I had talent but I've got zero!"
NERO GULPS Honestly, the Romans deserved to
be slaves, ruled by a Roman woman like you.
How do you like them apples?
No-one trolls my art
and gets away with it.
She is history.
I will, like, open, like, a full can of whoop-bottom on her.
Erm...let battle commence.
Just updating my battle status to "currently at war with Boudica".
Yeah, well, I should hope so, so, great, thanks.
Ah, I'm all hot now.
So, Boudica's army prepared to fight the Roman legions
and our Celtic druid doctors got ready to help the wounded -
although I'm not sure they were much use.
Ah, it's Mrs Carver, isn't it?
Yes, is Dr Hannity not available?
He's been called away to a very important golf match.
I'm Dr Quzhy-hoch, a druid from the time of Queen Boudica.
What an unusual name, how's that spelt?
I've no idea.
It's written in your book.
No it isn't.
What seems to be the problem?
-Well, he's got a bad cough, doctor.
-There are a few ways we can treat your cough.
No, we don't deal in magic here.
Ingest this roast mouse.
-That's not going to happen. No...
-Mum, he's trying to put a mouse in my mouth!
Oh - squeamish?
Hmm... Well, let's try transference medicine.
Oh, that sounds better!
It's a very popular treatment
where we transfer the strength of an animal into you.
How would you like to be as strong as an ox?
-Yeah, I suppose.
Just climb into this bath
of ox blood, meat and bone marrow,
and lie in it for three days and nights
while I perform a ritual dance, and you'll be as strong as brave Boudica.
HE SINGS GIBBERISH
Now can we go?
(Actually that's a good idea.)
Some people are so narrow-minded.
Now, you might think that bathing in animal blood is fairly extreme.
And yeah, it is. It's a big wound, and you need a big cure.
But for a smaller cut,
what animal medicine is sure to heal you up nice and fast?
The answer is:
We Celts believe a dog's lick will help a wound to heal.
Though that said, if your wound is a bite from a vicious dog,
it's probably best just to leave the dog alone
and not ask it to lick you, otherwise you'll end up
with loads more wounds and, er... very little licking.
Hello, I'm Jeff Reason, and welcome to Battles of the Day.
A small, disciplined force
is about to take on a mass of screaming lunatics.
Friday night in Portsmouth?
No, we're live from ancient Britain for the Battle of Watling Street.
It's Boudica's Celtic rebels
versus the Romans of Gaius Suetonius Paulinus.
Here to provide a perfect blend of expert analysis
and gruesome details, it's Jamie Castle.
Now, we're somewhere between London and Birmingham,
nobody's sure exactly, but Watling Street, it's quite an arena.
That's right, Jeff, it's a huge gorge.
The Romans have set themselves up here,
with the forest behind them creating a natural U shape.
Boudica's army have closed it up
here with a wagon semicircle.
Nobody's getting out of here in a hurry.
I think there'll be a few dead bodies today, Jeff.
That is the idea, but does that worry the Celts? Chris Staycalmer.
Not at all, Jeff - they're in a party mood.
They've even brought their families along to watch Boudica
battle from their wagons at the rear.
Women, children, dogs - it's completely mad,
but there's a great atmosphere.
We're going to have a quick word with a Celtic mum here.
Tell me, what can you expect from today?
Well, you know, Chris, a bite to eat,
watching the Romans get hacked to bloody pieces by our girl Boudica.
-Just a nice family day out.
SHOUTING AND CHEERING
-Give me a C!
-Give me an E!
-Give me an L!
-Give me a T!
-Give me an S!
What does it spell?
We don't know, Celts can't read or write!
Which is a shame.
Boudica, excuse me, you seem very confident today.
Er, well, we've got the Romans outnumbered!
-And we're 100,000...
..to their 10,000, and I tell you,
I'm going to love it when we beat 'em, love it.
She is brimming with confidence.
And that Roman shield wall is brimming with javelins.
And of course Boudica's army have got nowhere to run to.
They're trapped in the gorge by their own wagons -
that must be pretty galling.
No, the Gauls are in France, Jeff.
It's Chris Staycalmer!
Celts are all over the place, bits of them are everywhere.
The Romans are killing everything in sight,
women, children, even the dogs, Jeff.
Boudica, Boudica, can you come back from this?
Er... well, we lost the battle, and, erm...
I'm going to poison myself...
So, no, not really.
Here comes General Suetonius now.
General, General... Can we have a couple of words, please?
Sure, have two.
No... no... No! No! No!
Well, that is completely out of order.
I know - I can't believe they killed the dogs, Jeff.
So with her army defeated,
Boudica killed herself rather than become a Roman prisoner.
but Boudi's brave rebellion nearly 2,000 years ago
has become a proud symbol of the fight for freedom.
That's one impressive lady.
# Chatty Death, Chatty Death
# My grisly interviews
# Chatty Death, Chatty Death
# They're dead and famous too! #
You - why can't you be this funny when the cameras are rolling?
Honestly, isn't he funny?
Very dry sense of humour, dry as a bone!
HE LAUGHS CYMBAL CLASHES
Dry as a bone, because he's a skeleton.
So much for the warm-up.
Time for my next guest.
Please put your hands together,
or your stumps, or whatever you've got left,
and give a huge, massive, crazy welcome
to former Celtic leader, Boudica!
Or don't, you know.
No sense of showbiz.
So, Boudica, the wheels finally fell off your chariot, eh?
Yes, but it was a cause worth dying for,
driving the Romans out of Britain.
Well, they did stay for another 350 years after you died,
so, er... I wouldn't get too cocky, love.
I did not come here to be insulted.
I thought that's exactly why you came here.
HE LAUGHS CYMBAL CLASHES
Quick quiz question.
What do dentists tell their patients to say?
Or as I like to call her, Britony Spears.
Because, Briton-y Spears.
I told you that wouldn't get a laugh.
What do you mean I didn't say it right? Well, you say it then.
Everyone's a critic, aren't they?
# Chatty Death, Chatty Death
# Hope next time it's not you Whoo-hoo! #
# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts
# The ugly truth, no glam or glitz We showed you all the juicy bits
# Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel
# Stuff they don't teach you at school
# The past is no longer a mystery
Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #
A special episode of the historical sketch show, focusing on the great British Queen Boudica, starring Lorna Watson from Watson & Oliver. We follow Boudica as she turns against her Roman masters and unleashes her wrecking ball on Colchester, St Albans and London. It is cut-throat Celts versus rotten Romans - it's going to be very gory! Meanwhile, across the world, we meet famous emperors Caligula and Nero dishing out their own unique brand of imperial nastiness. With of course, our host Rattus to guide the way!